Posts in category: MANAGE MOOD

Victim “thinking” is a lifestyle based on a narrow-minded and selective way of thinking and perceiving that life owes you because you’ve been wronged. Here are the biggest “mental downers” in mood you will face when you come face-to-face with a victim (including you) who has decades of negative attitude at work seniority:

1. It’s not fair!
2. I’m owed because I’m the victim here!
3. Pay up or I will punish you!
4. It’s not my fault!
5. It’s my way or the highway!
6. I told you that life’s not fair!
7. What d’ya expect me to do about it?!

The victims (including you) of “victim talkers” and “victim doers” (including you) will feel VERY angry at that barrage of depressive miscommunication that goes on and on and on and on…like a road trailing into nowhere.

WHEN LIFE TOSSES LEMONS AT YOUR HEAD…DUCK…OR TOSS THEM BACK

You aren’t thinking straight when you put your life on hold to take care of “The Unhappy Depressive One.” You can’t force someone to change…they may not see the need to…they may not want to. Either way, when life tosses lemons at your head…you still have many mega-choices…you can duck…be glad you don’t suck…you can throw the lemons back…toss the lemons aside…learn to juggle lemons and get paid for it. Why turn lemons into lemonade…that takes way TOO much sugar. And you’re not being genuine if you pretend to be sugar and spice and everything that’s only nice.

LET’S TALK: DO WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and professional coach psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, who is the author of the newly released communication system called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” Dennis all-too-well knows that you may feel like you’re in a hole but you can climb out. You will find solutions to the mountain of problems you face…if you strive to “be a victor instead of victim of your life.” Mission Possible: Make your mood matter to you today…do what’s good for you to be happy and good company to be around!

SOMEBODY HAS TAKEN A STRAW AND SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF ME!

A professional nurse, who is a very sensitive human being and Empathizer-type communicator, told me recently:

“I feel like someone has taken a straw and sucked the life right out of me. I’m fading fast. I know what to do to feel better but I lack the energy to do it. My partner is concerned, and my co-workers are asking me what’s wrong, but I still can’t seem to pull out of it. So that’s why I’m talking to you, Dennis. I need to get some pep to my step again. I need to get my happy back! I mean this is ridiculous because I’m supposed to be the healer here…but this healer is wounded and her spirit is dying.”

That short description, in fact, vividly describes what a moderate case of “clinical depression” feels like in good, caring people like you and me.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS DEPRESSED

Depression makes you feel invisible, and you feel unable to do anything to help yourself. You might hear yourself say, “My back is up against the wall” … “I can’t make a decision” … “I’m a no one!” The first step to fixing a problem is to know what the problem is. If you’re a manager or a worker bee, these are the symptoms to look for when your star employee is no longer a star, or when the star’s light is fading fast.

1. EVERY LITTLE STRAIN TESTS THE NERVES. When you are depressed, little annoyances carry the same psychological stress weight as “the big issues.” Thus, being interrupted with an unwelcome phone call or a child’s latest problem at school will feel as bad as receiving a cut in pay or being threatened with losing your job.

2. FEELING BLUE OR CRYING AT THE DROP OF A HAT. When you feel depressed, you will feel down in the mouth for no reason, sorrow-filled, sad, like your world is coming to an end or has ended. Thoughts of ending it all might also zip through your mind. This is a feeling of life malaise or uneasiness, as if you can’t count on anything to remain steady. You can find a secure hand to hold when the winds of change are blowing. Talking “pull yourself up” tough to yourself only intensifies the negative feelings.

3. MAD AT YOURSELF…GRUMPY…EDGY… SELF-CRITICAL INSTEAD OF SELF-CARING. You will feel down and blue, and you’ll deliver stern lectures to yourself about how you have to be better, smarter, thicker-skinned and tougher, work harder, not let it get to you, not be so sensitive, not be so upset about nothing at all. You will feel dumped on and put upon, namely resentful. Being subconsciously angry at the self was one of Freud’s psychological definitions of depression.

4. NO ENERGY. When you experience a depression, you will wake feeling tired after a good night’s sleep. Even small activities will drain your energy, as if you’re pushing a big boulder up a mountain by your nose. When you have “no energy”… a bad attitude and withdrawing from others usually follow close behind.

5. THERE’S A HOLE IN YOUR BUCKET. When you or a co-worker/partner feel anxious and depressed, compliments won’t register and criticisms will take center stage, thus draining your bucket of self-esteem that is vital to renewing your energy. Also, you will blame yourself for putting the hole in your bucket, even though it’s not your fault. You will inaccurately believe that you are giving less than your best at work or home…when half of your best is better than most of the rest.

6. REAL DOWNER RELATIONSHIP BLAHS. Dysphoria is feeling down and blue, sometimes for a reason, most times for no reason at all. When you feel down, paradoxically, your relationships won’t boost you up. Instead, they’ll often inadvertently drain you down to lower levels even more. That’s because you feel guilty for being in such a bad mood about your relationship or partner. More bad news: Your romantic partner or kids will tend to become anxious when you feel down for too long.

7. YOU DON’T DO WHAT WORKS TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? When depressed, you won’t do “all those little things” that will give you a mighty boost of energy. “Little things,” like taking a breather from a tight schedule, reading a positive magazine article, goofing off, calling a friend, meditating or praying, watching a comedy on T.V., going to bed early, saying “no” to helping others when you barely have the energy to put one foot in front of the other. My “energy in” rule and the “Talk to Me” system of talking positively to yourself … will make you feel better pretty darn fast, though.

8. NEGATIVE TALKING THAT FEEDS ON ITSELF. When depressed, you will talk to yourself and believe others talk about you in negative ways. Key negative beliefs: “I am worthless.” “I am not important.” “Anybody can do what I do.” “I’m doing all this to myself…it’s all my fault.” “I should’ve known better … Why am I letting this get me down?” “What’s the matter…is it something biological, situational or relational…why don’t I know?” “This bad feeling is going to last forever…I’ll never pull out of this funk.” The good news: Just being aware of the negative sub-vocal chatter in your skull will lessen it.

9. “WHATEVER I DO TO FEEL BETTER WON’T WORK, SO WHY EVEN TRY?” When depressed, you will make a donkey out of yourself by incorrectly judging the outcome of trying new actions, and you’ll assume that they won’t work. Thus, you will slay some of your and your co-workers’ or partners’ best suggestions, before they have a chance to take flight and pick up your mood.

10. “I DON’T SAY ‘NO’ TO ANYBODY!” Over-extending…being the nice guy or gal…always saying “yes” and not saying “no” when “no” is the right answer, is one of the leading interpersonal causes of keeping a depression going. The solution is to pull back…explain why you are crispy and burned out and need to re-energize. People will understand.

11. LOVE YOURSELF AS YOUR NEIGHBOR. The temporarily depressed person forgets one simple thing: all love that emanates from them begins and ends with feeling loving and caring toward the self. You can’t love and minister to others unless you first love yourself when you don’t even have a reason to. If you can’t be kind to yourself when you’re under the weather… how can you truly be kind to others? If you cannot love yourself when you feel “sick” … how can you offer healing help to your neighbors? Well, of course, you and I can’t do the impossible.

12. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE TIED UP IN KNOTS AND YOUR THINKING TWISTED. Depression “depersonalizes” you as a human being. If you’re a doctor, depression makes you feel like a “provider.” If you’re a nurse, depression makes you feel unimportant and expendable, too. If you’re a manager or administrator, depression makes you feel like no one is implementing the solutions you are wisely advising. Depression confuses your common sense tactics to make you feel like a loser.

ENERGY IN…ENERGY OUT

“I don’t have the energy!” is a major complaint of the depressed employee or family member. The solution is to input “energy in” from outside sources and the use of positive talk. In my third book, “Talk to Me,” I recommend specific ways “to talk positively and effectively to yourself” when you’re in a bad mood. For our purposes: “Talk Nice to You.” “Energy in” is the secret cure that you can use to feel better when you feel about as important as the belly of a worm slithering across a muddy sidewalk with a group of junior high kids running toward you!

RELATIONSHIP DISTRESS

Perhaps two-thirds of all depressions are due to some change in your life or some ongoing relationship dissatisfaction, dispute or distraction from home. Usually those problems travel with you to work. And if the depression is primarily biologically rooted, then medication plus self-management tools work best. In most cases, the rule of “Keep it simple … the cure might be easier than your depressive thinking would have you believe it is!” will work like a lucky charm or rabbit’s foot.

ABOUT TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker from Dayton, Ohio. He is also the author of three books that deal with change management, mood management, relationship relaxation and positive and effective communication skills. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” As a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, he has spent more than 30 years helping himself and others out of depression and into “being a leader of your own life.” Has someone taken a straw and sucked the life out of you? Then order a copy of “Talk to Me” from this site to experience a quick boost in your energy. If you don’t experience feeling better fast…your money will be completely refunded to you with no questions asked. In the meantime, do a few of those “little things” that you know will work to “add energy” to your life. After all, suffering isn’t your communication style at all! Also, in an accompanying article, I will tell you how your experience of depression and what does and doesn’t work for treating depressive issues significantly varies depending upon whether you are an Empathizer-type communicator or an Instigator-type communicator.

If you’re able to truly feel all of your feelings, you’ll gain the necessary energy to solve difficult problems. So the first step to experience “the joy of feeling alive” or “the joy of contentment” is to accurately feel whatever you do.

When you feel hurt–cry.
When you feel happy–laugh.
When you feel scared–talk.
When you feel angry–connect.
When you feel love–express it.
When you feel grief–mourn.
When you feel grumpy–don’t act like Dopey.
When you feel resentful–let go.
When you feel vengeful–forgive but don’t forget.
When you feel rejected–accept it.
When you feel good–celebrate.
When you feel lonely–reach out to others.
When you feel self-critical–nurture yourself instead.
When you feel like a failure–try…try again.
When you feel disappointed–don’t dump.
When you feel shy–introduce yourself.
When you feel high and almighty–calm yourself.
When you feel perfectionistic–make a mistake.
When you feel stuck in the status quo–do something new.
When you feel awe–tingle.
When you feel awful–don’t complain ad infinitum.
When you feel hopeful–spread it around.
When you feel optimistic–tolerate pessimists.
When you feel a loss of control–manage what you can.
When you feel vulnerable–feel proud of yourself.
When you feel down–lighten your load.
When you feel mistrusting–trust your inner circle of advisors.
When you feel bored–spice up your life.
When you feel like you messed up–apologize.
When you feel alone–make new friends.
When you feel alive–feel fortunate and live your life.
When you feel stuck in a rut–change equals communication.
When you feel stressed–address your grievances.
When you feel things aren’t going your way–don’t run away.
When you feel displeased–please yourself more.
When you feel anything at all–feel the feeling gladly.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and the author of a proven new communications program found in his latest book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. He specializes in teaching “positive and effective communication strategies to be the leader of your own life.”

Has a negative talker smilingly ripped you a new one and then said, apologetically, “I’m sorry, but I just had to be honest with you…I didn’t mean anything by it!” NOT! The speaker is lying like a lumpy rug with a rabid dog hiding underneath it. An insincere apology implies that you should forgive the insults and assaults because the deliverer of the assaults meant well, had no other choice or felt compelled to “tell it like it is.” An apologist can bring you down, and the act of apologizing, thus, can be a manipulative mind game … one that “writes junk in your mind” to make you follow someone else’s rules of “what is right in all of life” for you to do or be.

APOLOGIZING AND YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE

Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) pick up negative feelings from others as if by radar. E-types feel guilty saying: “I frankly don’t care what you think…and whether or not you are really trying hard to help me counts for naught…you went too far this time pushing me away…and I don’t care what you think because you’re talking trash. And talk trash like this, I take to the curb! If you continue hammering me to think like you do or do what you want me to do, we’re going to have a huge problem on our hands.” In short, E-types say “I’m sorry…” as a habitual way of avoiding conflict.

SHARP WORDS STICK IN MENTAL FLESH LIKE HARPOONS

Instigator-type communicators (I-types) bleed when sharp words stick in their mental flesh like harpoons, but I-types (as a group) are quicker to dispute and then dismiss a thought or point of view that runs contrary to their own. I-types are experts at putting “mind over emotional matters.” In short, I-types say “I’m sorry about that…” to calm turbulent relationship waters. I-types apologize to get on down the road to accomplish a mission that is being held up by personal-relationship emotions.

TALK ABOUT BEING IN A BAD MOOD

Your mood can go up and down like a roller coaster, and it can dictate how you talk to others…how open or closed your mind is to new ideas and solutions, and how flowing or blocked your emotional energy and “pep” is…if you allow it to be. When you’re in a bad mood, you may feel justified in “letting off steam” or “venting” in order to feel better…or you may “stuff your feelings” and be “too hard on yourself.” Then you apologize to make it all better, but the person you yelled at may feel worried about your bad mood…upset and unable to talk to you. Acting controlling and then apologizing for your controlling behavior can become a bad habit, and it can set up a cycle of negative talk.

I DON’T ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY

You don’t have to forgive someone for the wrong done to you. You don’t have to go along with the thinking that says, “I’m sorry I messed up, but you know I’m going to nail you to the wall with hurtful words again…I promise to be better for awhile.” So what’s a sincere apology? A genuine apology is when someone permanently, freely and willingly changes his/her behavior, or what he/she did to hurt you, to improve the mood of the relationship. Sometimes, saying “I’m sorry about that…really I am!” isn’t enough. The relationship bridge has been blown up and relationship trust damaged beyond repair.

I SAID I WAS SORRY!

What people might really say about a “relationship anxiety or anger attack” if they really felt free to:

1. Apologist: I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you this. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry I had to listen to it.

2. Apologist: I’m sorry I took it out on you. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry you took your bad mood out me, too.

3. Apologist: I’m sorry for getting so mad. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry I won’t be able to accept your apology.

4. Apologist: I’m sorry for fighting with you. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry we’re so expert at putting each other down.

5. Apologist: I’m sorry I didn’t do what I promised to do. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry that I keep believing your word is any good.

6. Apologist: I’m sorry that I feel so depressed and that I’m such a downer for you. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry you don’t feel happy, and don’t show me how happy you are to be with me.

7. Apologist: I’m sorry I called you “stupid” and blamed you for everything. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry too, because you must think I’m “stupid” for being with you and agreeing to put up with this kind of treatment.

8. Apologist: I’m sorry I said you would never amount to anything. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry whenever I believe your smelly trash talk.

9. Apologist: I’m sorry that I’m like a leopard who can’t change his spots. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry that you think I care so much or am so wrapped up in whether you choose to change or not.

10. Apologist: I’m sorry I went nuts again and took it out on you…I didn’t mean anything by it. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry you think you can dump on me and get away with it scot-free.

Wouldn’t you like to confront manipulative apologies? You don’t have to put up with the kind of banter that says, “I’m sorry for what I did to you…but get used to it…it’s going to happen again in the future and I will expect you to forgive me and forget my transgression at that time, too!”

DO YOU THRIVE ON GETTING MAD?

An “apologist” is somebody who argues to defend or justify a particular doctrine or ideology. The apology is part of the argument that “I’m not guilty for being mean, nor would a reasonable or sane person hold me responsible for my reprehensible repetitive verbal actions, if I apologize profusely and with fervent emotion.” An apologist is defending…protecting…promoting a doctrine…pushing a viewpoint on you…pushing the “record” button in your mind with rhetorical brainwashing. Well, maybe I’m going a little too far here. Then again, perhaps there is a “record button” in your brain that gets pushed and makes you forget and feel depressed.

I DON’T LIKE CONFLICT VERY MUCH AT ALL

If you don’t like conflict very much at all, you will avoid talking back to a shamer-and-blamer in effective ways. You won’t want to rock the boat, although your co-talker may be trying to hit you with a canoe paddle in the skull. In my clinical studies, Empathizer (E-type) communicators sincerely apologize too much. I would only be exaggerating a little to tell you the words “I’m sorry…” often are the first words out of their mouths. In contrast, I-types apologize strategically after making a strong point in order to solve problems or move a project forward.

I’M BORED SO LET ME PUSH YOUR BUTTONS

When you talk negatively to others or yourself, you are able to avoid feeling vulnerable (bored, lonely, sad, empty, hopeless and helpless) and/or pleasurable (joy, peacefulness, contentedness, sexual connection, closeness) feelings, but it’s at the expense of stirring the pot of distracting talk cycles that will predictably shoot down your co-communicators spirits. After awhile, they will quit trying to talk to you at all.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady hopes that his new book, “Talk to Me Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone,” will help E-Type Communicators not be so hasty to say “I’m sorry” when they’re being put down by others, and that it will help I-Type Communicators pay a bit more attention to how their harsh words can make others feel. In fact, he’s not sorry at all that he wrote this new book!

There are times when your co-communicator at work or home will talk big, preach loudly, opinionizing and pontificating effusively about why or what is right or wrong with you, your actions or your thinking. Likewise, I’ve learned from doing executive coaching and relationship counseling, that an empathetic listener (due to no fault of their own) may be at a loss for words and become tongue tied. For example, when a co-talker says, “WHY did you do or think that?” the sensitizer right away can flip off the switch to good talking due to that parentally stern rebuke.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY I DID THAT? WELL, WHY NOT?

CommTool#14 doesn’t debate, argue or excessively explain to the challenger why you owe anyone an explanation for anything. It’s a hook and a trap to start explaining your position to someone who is mostly interested in tearing apart or riddling your viewpoint with doubt and critiques. Why do you do something? Well, why not? “So, what’s your point?” gets at the heart of the matter too.

ASSERTIVELY TALKING BACK TO IMPROVE THE DIALOGUE

Bad talks consist of one-way monologues. Good talks are represented by two-way adult dialogues. Positive talk occurs when both communicators stand a good chance of learning something new from the discussion instead of feeling they have been in a talk collision that leads to a concussion.

Here’s how this simple assertive 360 DEGREE FEEDBACK LOOP works to keep your head clear and your stress load in acceptable levels:

TALKER: I have no self-confidence.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: IF you think you can’t do it, then you won’t do it.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: Your going to leave me in the lurch.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I shouldn’t rock the boat.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I feel like I’m losing my mind.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I can’t stay focused…I get off-subject due to my short attention span.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I worry and think too much.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I can’t stand it…I just can’t take it any more.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m not saying it’s your fault.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: Are you saying it’s all my fault?
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I can’t talk to you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I can’t give you the things you deserve that make you feel good.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m going to fail.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: There’s NO way I can fail.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m emotionally overwhelmed…I can’t think straight right now.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I didn’t mean what I said. I wish I could take it back.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: My ego is as fragile as an egg.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: When I try to jump in the team canoe…I miss by a foot…who moved my canoe?
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: You don’t understand ME.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: Now I’ve really got to be honest with you here.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m SO negative all-day long.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: You hold grudges and don’t get past the past.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I need to shake up the tree a little bit.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’ve been riding the bubble, but it may pop.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I should be called on the carpet for smarting off to you like that.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I can’t be myself with you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: You make me so nervous I can’t concentrate or see straight.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m dumpin’ my complainin’ on you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I have NO hard feelings or carry any baggage.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I shouldn’t have done THAT.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I live by the Bible and expect others to.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I don’t back down and say what you may not want to hear when I’m in the right.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’ll tell you what I think even if it displeases you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m not trying to tell you what to do BUT…
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

CHALLENGE…THEN LISTEN TO WHAT NEXT IS SAID

When you’re communicating effectively and openly, you walk on new sacred talk ground where the unexpected happens. So issue a directive question to the speaker, then use three ears to hear their answer. Usually, you will obtain a deeper understanding of why or why not a fellow talk traveler is or isn’t doing something you need to feel connected to the project at hand.

IF I’M THE VICTIM HERE, AREN’T I OWED SOME EXTRA COMPENSATION?

Most of us aren’t really victims, we just feel that way. To get out of the corner you feel put in? Turn around or walk backwards, and walk into a bigger space or place where no one is leading your life but you. After all, you are responsible for being the leader of your own life!

Why stew or resent what someone said to you. Talk back by speaking up! Speak up for your right to live your own life free and sail in the direction your heart-mind tells you to go in.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHECK OUT THESE PREVIOUS COMMTOOLS?

CommTool#13: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

CommTool#12: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…?

CommTool#11: SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT?

CommTool#10: IF THE SHOE FITS, BABY

CommTool#9: I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M FEELING SCARED

CommTool#8: NOW HEAR THIS MY DEAR MIND

CommTool#7: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT

CommTool#6: I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT

CommTool#5: WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME

CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD

CommTool#3: WHY ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ IS SUPREMELY FAIR

CommTool#2: IS THIS GOOD FOR ME?

CommTool#1: YOU’VE SAID THAT ALREADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides professional keynote speeches, executive coaching and professional development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new positive TTM communications system, executive coaching, relationship improvement and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers back down from speaking up confrontationally, while Instigators don’t hold back speaking their minds. You can get a thumbnail sketch of you and your co-communicators type by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are a “pretty good communicator” then ask the Communication Tools (CommTools) questions above to a co-worker or family member…and then listen open-mindedly to the answers. You will be surprised what you learn when you have the pluck to ask directive questions and the hear/listen to the answers.