Posts in category: NEGATALKERS

Getting clear about confusing communication while seated around the table of communication is the providence of the effective leader, romantic partner, negotiator, effective parent and deal-maker. Unclear communication fosters hard feelings and conflict, while clear communication energizes the team and simplifies problem-solving. If you use this tool, you would say: “Are you saying THAT unclear communication leads to others feeling cut off at the knees, unheard and stewing in resentment?” That’s right, Rambo.

UNSPOKEN LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION: “ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT…”

What “hidden agenda” is woven into the words in a sentence? What is being said without words, but implied, and forcefully implied at that. What isn’t said, but implied, particularly when fear is promulgated, often dictates the outcome of any communication. For example, “I’m not saying you aren’t a valuable employee…” or “I’m not spending all of my time thinking about divorcing you…” Both transactions imply you should fear loss, and that the other shoe may drop sometime very soon.

DIGGING OUT THE HIDDEN AGENDA BY ASKING DIRECTIVE QUESTIONS

Here is the way that CommTool #12 helps you clear up confusing transactions. You get clear about the real message behind the words by “UNCOVERING HIDDEN AGENDAS” when you ask a single, direct question. That clarifying question is “Are you saying THAT…?”

1. Confusing Talk: I’m not saying you aren’t a valuable employee, but…
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I need to improve my performance at work or my job may be at risk?

2. Confusing Talk: I’m not spending all of my time thinking about divorcing you.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you have doubts about staying married to me?

3. Confusing Talk: You could be doing so much more.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m too lazy and unmotivated?

4. Confusing Talk: There you go again worrying!
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m thinking too much about much of nothing?

5. Confusing Talk: Why does it always fall to me? Why do I always have to be the one to get things done?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t trust any of us to delegate the tasks to?

6. Confusing Talk: You expect me never to make mistakes and always be perfect. Well, I can’t do that.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…since I’m the cause of the problem than I’m the solution to the problem?

7. Confusing Talk: This is really frustrating me.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m not doing my part to listen in ways to solve the problem?

8. Confusing Talk: Why do you always insist on interrupting me in mid-sentence?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m avoiding listening to a painful truth by jumping in and controlling the flow of the conversation?

9. Confusing Talk: I give up because you’re a better debater than me.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m arguing my point too forcefully and losing points with you?

10. Confusing Talk: I can’t focus long enough to get it done.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m distracting you too much to stay focused on doing the important things first?

11. Confusing Talk: Why do you care so much about what others think of you?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m dying trying too hard to get the approval of others who aren’t ever going to like me?

12. Confusing Talk: I know I’m in the wrong here.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…because you’re wrong you’re going to do something differently from here on?

13. Confusing Talk: Nothing I ever do is ever good enough for you.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m a nit-picking perfectionistic and trying to control you?

14. Confusing Talk: Why do I always have to push you to talk to me?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I don’t believe that we can talk without a great, big hassle happening?

15. Confusing Talk: Why should I have to change to make you happy?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t want to change in order to make yourself happy?

16. Confusing Talk: All you do is fill my bucket with your complaining.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I take on everybody else’s stuff so I don’t have to focus on myself?

17. Confusing Talk: You shouldn’t let it get to you so much.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I should think before I reject myself more after being rejected?

18. Confusing Talk: I tell people what I think even if they don’t like it.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t mind hurting others feelings when you’re ticked off and talk out of bounds?

19. Confusing Talk: I’m too afraid to fail, and too afraid to succeed, so I act indecisive.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you’ve got “plausible procrastination” and excuse-making down to an art form?

20. Confusing Talk: We’re spinning our wheels and going nowhere.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m agreeing to be comfortably stuck in a rut with you again?

21. Confusing Talk: Can’t you ever be on time for once?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…my being late is a show of disrespect to you that I’m intending?

22. Confusing Talk: Why do you always have to be so negative?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m missing out on something by not agreeing with you and being so negative and too lazy to be positive?

23. Confusing Talk: I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s next to impossible to stop.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…although I hear your pont of view that you know very well I don’t agree with you?

24. Confusing Talk: Why aren’t you ever satisfied or happy?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m the leader of my life and in charge of my happiness?

25. Confusing Talk: I can’t get my weight under control since my family stress doubled.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I could help you get your stress under better control?

SHOWING UP AND CHOOSING YOUR ATTITUDE

I’m not a dreamer. If a smooth operator wants to stay “veiled” and “hide their agenda” from you, chances are you will be fooled. But at least you will have the pleasure of having the last laugh when their subterfuge is foiled!

I know this all sounds a bit paranoid. BUT I am saying THAT I can’t control what people say, and too often people say what will forward their show while using you as a prop. Hey, no problem. Let’s just be clear about it!

CHECK OUT THESE PREVIOUS COMMTOOLS

CommTool#11: SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT

CommTool#10: IF THE SHOE FITS, BABY

CommTool#9: I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M FEELING SCARED

CommTool#8: NOW HEAR THIS MY DEAR MIND

CommTool#7: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT

CommTool#6: I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT

CommTool#5: WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME

CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD

CommTool#3: WHY ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ IS SUPREMELY FAIR

CommTool#2: IS THIS GOOD FOR ME?

CommTool#1: YOU’VE SAID THAT ALREADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new executive coaching, relationship improvement and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers back down from verbal confrontations while Instigators don’t hold back speaking their minds. You can get a thumbnail sketch of you and your co-communicators type by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are a “good communicator” then ask the Communication Tools (CommTools) questions above to a co-worker or family member…and then listen open-mindedly to the answers. You will be surprised what you learn when you have the pluck to ask directive questions and the hear/listen to the answers.

A powerful communication comeback or “Commback” to an argumentative person, nit-picking criticizer, artful debater, guilt tripper, or a negatalking “I’m going to push a point down your throat in order to help you!” chronic advice-pusher or “opinionizer” who isn’t doing a very good job of running his or her own life is: “So, what’s your point?” It’s simple, elegant, and VERY effective. Just you try it and see!

YOU DON’T OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION FOR YOUR LIFE!

Why is standing up for yourself important? When you feel that you’re being pressured to give an explanation for WHY you’re running your life the way you’re choosing to run IT…you may want to remind yourself, your co-talker and the world that YOU DON’T OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION FOR YOUR LIFE. It’s your life, after all, and you will live it just the way you would like to.

COMMBACK: COMING BACK WITH A GOOD COMMUNICATION COMEBACK

All together now when you feel pushed into a talk corner: “So, what’s your point?!” What will you typically hear in response to your effective talk Commback when you ask in an even-toned voice: “SO, what’s your point?!” First, a stunned look…second, silence. And silence in this case is “golden.” Here are some sample interactions to get the hang of this wonder-filled communication tool:

1. It just happens!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

2. I’m not getting much out of this…(relationship)!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

3. Why do you invent stuff to worry about?!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

4. Why can’t you admit when you’re in the wrong and say you’re sorry?!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

5. I’m not the one who has the problem…I’m pretty content!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

6. I’m pretty selfish when it comes to having fun!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

7. You think I did this on purpose to you?
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

8. I don’t do IT that often!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

9. It doesn’t come natural to me.
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

10. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

11. Look, everyone else I know is doing IT!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

12. It’s not fair!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

13. I’m not that kind of person!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

14. Are you calling me a liar? I told you I didn’t do IT!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

15. IF you didn’t like IT…then why didn’t you speak up at the time?!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

16. Who’s to say why I really do IT?!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

17. There’s no use psychoanalyzing this to death!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

18. You’re driving me up the wall!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

19. Why can’t you be more like…(your sister/brother, friend, Dr. Phil)
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

20. I’m not MAD!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

21. You’ve lost your marbles.
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

22. You don’t understand…I’ve been trying REALLY hard!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

23. Why can’t you ever think about somebody else besides yourself?
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

24. What do you want me to do about IT?
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

25. Nothing’s ever good enough for you…why can’t you ever be satisfied?!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

26. I can find a roommate, anywhere!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

27. Why can’t you ever be truthful with me?
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

28. I don’t deserve to be treated like this!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

29. That’s the way I’ve always done it!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

30. You can’t change a leopard’s spots!”
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

31. I know I can change things in my life IF I work at them!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

32. I can’t take this whining and complaining!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?”

33. It’s different…I promise this is going to be different from here on out!
Commback: “So, what’s your point?!”

34. I’m only trying to help you!”
Commback: “So, what’s your point?!”

WHAT ARE 14 NON-VERBAL ASSERTIVE MESSAGES THAT YOU SEND WITH THIS SINGLE TRANSACTION?

When you look your co-communicator square in the eye while being harrangued and verbally hanged, and say, “So, what’s your point?!” you are sending these powerful non-verbal messages:

1. “My full-time job is running my own life!“
2. “Your full-time job is running your own life!”
3. “You and I can barely run our own individual lives…SO what makes us think we can run the life of another person?!”
4. “I didn’t ask you for your advice…so please keep it to yourself and zip those lips!”
5. “I don’t like being talked down to AS IF I’m a VICTIM who doesn’t have choices!”
6. “I am the sole authority of my life…I don’t need your help to change ME!”
7. “I am not your rescuer and savior…you can’t help, helping yourself.”
8. “I dislike being talked to like a child!“
9. “I am not smart or wise enough to know what decisions you should make to make your life better.”
10. “Did I mistakenly send you the message that I am helpless, hopeless, humpless?”
11. “I am a powerful positive person with an optimistic attitude.”
12. “We need to disrupt this distracting talk cycle that makes us both feel not O.K.”
13. “Please do NOT ‘help me’ by teaching me to do the backstroke in an Olympic size pity pool!”
14. “Thanks for your help…but I would prefer to DO IT MY WAY!”
    

SO, IT’S MY LIFE AND I DON’T OWE YOU OR ANYONE AN EXPLANATION

Always tell yourself before you justify to a “psychocritiquer” why you did or didn’t do something they wanted you to say or do…”It’s my life and I don’t owe anyone an explanation…or must I justify my decisions!”

Bigotry is a waste of love. Isn’t IT about time you stop trying to please others who are trying to control you in “nice ways” that ditch your personal power and communication potentials? Hey, who knows, you may get run over by a beer truck today! Do you want to die telling people what they want you to say or hear–or do you want to be a man or woman of high integrity.

You are the decider of your life, and the author of your life plan. Even when you feel bad…it’s not a half-bad idea to be yourself and live your life with passion and communication power.

Dennis runs workshops on Leadership Communication, Change Management, Effective Communication Strategies, and Anger and Conflict Management, and other workshops or keynotes on positive psychological topics designed for your company, team or organization.

Don’t the head-spinning and logic-numbing excuses flow fast when people fail to perform their agreed-upon tasks or meet important deadlines at work? What today’s workplaces have in common are tons of logical-sounding excuses why managers, executives and team members alike have failed to perform as expected – that’s a tidbit I’ve found from my workshops and business consulting practice. Are we all getting too carried away with psychological excuses about why we shouldn’t be called on the carpet…and held accountable for the good results we’ve failed to deliver upon? You can bet your psychology license on it!

RATIONALIZING: LOGICAL SOUNDING REASONS FOR EXCUSING IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR

SO, IF talk is so cheap, are we ever going to learn anything important and use good stuff to fix what’s broken? Here are a few of my favorite leadership excuses that keep others focused on words instead of effective actions and productive outcomes.

1. TOO TIRED…PRESSURED…AND SO STRESSED OUT. This is the psychological excuse of being too tired, too busy to do it, too stressed out to deliver in-time, too moody to pull it off with a difficult person or project. The “too tired” excuse of being too fatigued is used to justify an inability to meet required minimum standards.

2. BEING LAZY. This is the psychological excuse of just “feeling off today and too lazy,” too unfocused, too mentally scattered, too upset due to a personal or family crisis to meet an important deadline or deliver a quality product. Works well in combination with “psychoexcuse” #1 to avoid feeling guilty for “forgetting” to do something on time and holding up everybody else on the team.

3. LIFE’S BEEN AWFUL TO ME…SYMPATHY STORY. This is the psychological excuse that life is going so gosh-awfully bad, and that stress circumstances are so overwhelming unfair, that normal performance is not morally justifiable at this time. The “life’s awful” excuse gets other people to feel bad for you and not hold you accountable for your actions. Works every time!

4. I’M AN IDIOT. This is the psychological excuse if I haven’t thought through consequences, or failed to think before I speak or act, then I can’t be held accountable for stupid actions I have taken or smart actions that I’ve failed to take. It’s good for getting sympathetic souls to offer extra help when a person isn’t helping out him- or herself.

5. MY MIND RACES. This is the psychological excuse of the “short attention span” or “my mind races and I can’t keep up with it.” The “wandering mind” is a great excuse to explain why I don’t take better physical or emotional care of myself. Works well to keep people from looking squarely at a lack of business ethics or integrity issues.

6. DON’T FOCUS ON THE BAD. This is the psychological excuse that “being negative begets more negative things to happen” so “don’t look at the mistakes because that’s discouraging team self-esteem,” or “just put bad outcomes in the past and don’t re-hash failure.” This is the leading cause of not learning to do something new, and promoting old habits that our bad for the health of our organizations that can be dys-fun-ctional.

Excellent leaders overcome personal and emotional stresses without ignoring or excusing them or allowing them to negatively impact their work performance. Humility and flexibility are key traits of successful leaders who are accountable and communicate in positive and realistic ways.

I’M TIRED…IT’S TOUGH

So, are you able to keep focus at work or is your mind filled with all of these types of psychological excuses, rationalizations, psychobabble, psychoanalytic poppycock and poor performance alibis? Say it ain’t so because it ain’t so! Listen to how your co-workers use psychological excuses to keep others off their back, and themselves off the hook of being responsible for what they do and what they fail to do.

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF LEADERSHIP: EXECUTIVE EXCUSES VS. EXECUTIVE LEADERSHIP COACHING

Learn from your past mistakes…practice using different and more “colorful excuses” but don’t take them seriously. Do learn from past errors, change what isn’t working, and come up with a better system of doing things that work at work. In fact, DO something new each day to improve your performance a little bit. Smile inwardly as you watch and hear others who “take the bait” and “buy the storyline” of why agreed-upon results have failed to materialize. Observe how problems are repeatedly swept under the doormat at work, only to pop up again causing additional problems that we all can get upset about.

Good talking to you! And talk to me about any favorite “psychological excuse” you’ve recently heard used that got a leader or co-worker “off the hook” at work to the loss of us all!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training workbook and is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides leadership executive coaching and business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. One example of a talk difference between the two is that Empathizer-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal trust and honesty, while Instigator-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal power and planning. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

Central to executive coaching and relationship counseling, is the ability to talk positively and sensibly to yourself when tensions mount in the team. If I had a copper penny for every nonsensical, nasty, inaccurate pricking barb that has been stuck into the doll of your self-esteem…I would be as rich and famous as one of my heroes, Benjamin Franklin (who shares his birthday with my oldest daughter).

INSENSITIVE COMMUNICATORS

Why hasn’t anyone told “insensitive communicators” that their put-downs and criticisms might better fit them than you? Psychological “projections” – all of those craftily disowned ideas about myself that I project onto you – become inserted into your mind as repetitive negative thoughts that you think about yourself IF you allow them. I’m here to tell you, “Don’t!” Don’t allow these guilt bombs to be dropped on ya’. Let’s practice what to say to yourself when a guilt hurler is dragging you down and making your frown.

POSITIVE TALK NEWS

Negative talkers or “NegaTalkers” are guilt trippers and responsibility avoiders who need to get a grip on their projections and take back ownership of their criticisms in order to create personal growth and change.

A powerfully positive comeback that you can use inside your head when guilt trippers are spreading it on thick is:

“If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOES NOT FIT ME.”

SHUGGING OFF THE GOOP OF GUILT

Now granted, sometimes you are in the “wrong,” but most times you’re right and you know it…especially you genteel Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators. So, well…I’ll just give you some practice on how to say “no” to slick guilt trips.

1. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU always have to be SO difficult?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

2. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DON’T YOU change?

Positive SELF-TALK: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

3. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU sound off like the world’s worst communicator?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

4. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU have to always be so negative?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

5. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU blow so much money?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

6. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why ARE YOU being so cold and sexually uptight?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

7. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU have to be so selfish and self-centered?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

8. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: You can’t expect me to be perfect!

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

9. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why CAN’T YOU talk to me?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

10. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU only think of yourself?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

11. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU always have to get the last word in?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

12. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU blame me for everything under the sun?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

13. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU have to always be in control?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

14. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU guilt trip me and make me feel lower than whale dung on the bottom of the ocean?

Accurate Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

15. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU always spout off about what Dr. O’Grady has to say?

Accurate Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

PLUG THE ENERGY DRAIN

That ought to do IT for now. Ain’t IT amazin’ how many pokes, prods, slams, jams, stabs, zings, sticks and stones, arrows, slaps and put-downs, projections, rejections and slights, self-esteem zappers and other energy draining tunes are songs that give you a splitting headache? Yup, so I’ve told you how to accurately TALK SENSE to yourself when a “guilt hurler” is trying to drag you down and make you frown.

The rest of the communication story…is up to YOU!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new communication program and leadership training workshop, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in reality your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. In the case above, Empathizers “freeze up” and are reluctant to give helpful negative feedback while Instigators feel free to “let it rip” and speak their minds. You can “test your type” and receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are a “good communicator” then ask the two questions above to a co-worker…and listen open-mindedly to the answers. You at least will be able to tell the level of trust your co-communicator is experiencing with you.

How do you psychologically torture and “get to” someone you love or loathe at home or work? You can bet your trusty talking stick that you, too, can offend someone in nice ways without getting caught by using “psycho-torture” talk techniques. Torturing or upsetting someone is pretty easy to do if you intend it to be. Maybe that’s because the “hook” is that you can’t “fix people” who don’t want to be fixed.

DO YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS EASILY HURT?

If you are an Empathizer communicator (E-type), you can get your feelings SO “easily hurt”…due to something a “talk offender” or “difficult person” says or does that pricks your pride and pops your self-esteem balloon… if you allow IT to be so in an unthinking way. However, fearlessness in an interpersonal word requires you and me to see through the fact that many people are NOT simply “fishing for compliments”…they are “fishing for total control.” Now IF you’re reading this carefully, THEN probably you are an E-type who is pretty easy to manipulate. If so, anyone can make a “fish” out of you by casting you the talk bait, hooking you in the brain, and reeling you in using a line like a sucker.

THE ART OF PSYCHO-TORTURE IN EVERYDAY LIFE

Here’s how the interactive game (almost like dance steps) of communication-relational-psychological torture really works on you or me.

BAIT. The “psycho-torturer” casts the bait and provokes a listener. For example, “Why do you always have to be SO negative?”

HOOK. The defender takes the bait and “emotionally hooks” into the implied or stated criticisms. Then the “hook” is set by the psycho-torturer: “Why are you always SO sensitive and about everything…I was only joking?!”

DRAG. The defender/listener acts defensively AS IF the criticisms/accusations/psychocritiques are true…when in fact they’re largely false. The “psycho-torturer” spouts off: “Well, THEN WHY are you getting so agitated and upset if there’s no truth to anything I’m saying?”

FIGHT. The defender comes across too strong…talks too loudly or stomps off…while the offender feels amused. Psycho-torturer says: “I said I was sorry…so why can’t you just get over IT?”

FRUSTRATE. An empathetic person feels “bad” after the altercation…and loses self-confidence due to feeling angry…and feeling guilty for feeling anger.

That’s how you can get all irritated and bothered, all lathered up and frustrated or upset…emotionally distracted and distraught if you allow yourself to be fished around with. A psycho-torturer or talk offender then feels smugly in control and in charge because: “It wasn’t my fault…it was their fault, so they deserve to lose out!”

WHEN ON THE HOOK OF FRUSTRATION…LET GO OF FIXING PEOPLE

When you feel absolutely frustrated by your opposing communicator type…in this case you are an Empathizer-type communicator who is being out-talked by an Instigator-type communicator…try these mental tips to be genuine on for size my dear E-types:

1. “I’m SO sorry!” doesn’t fix a problem. An insincere apology is just that…insincere. Are you right, or what?

2. “I didn’t mean to!” doesn’t make people feel any better. An unintended action still causes enormous emotional harm. Are you right, or what?

3. “It wasn’t my fault!” is a victim plea hoping that a sucker is born every minute. Are you right, or what?

4. “It was an accident!” is the plea of irresponsibility and shrinking character. Are you right, or what?

5. “You made me feel SO bad!” is a guilt bomb that you can pull the fuse out of. Based on the premise that if your talk partner feels bad, you should feel guilty and change. Are you right, or what?

6. “Why can’t you just forget about it?” pushes you to forgive the unforgivable. Relationships involve two people, not one person…and hard feelings are sometimes hard to forget. Are you right, or what?

7. “I won’t do it again…I promise I won’t do it!” is pure fantasy and future conjecture that is more talk…talk…talk to make you think what I want you to. Are you right, or what?

8. “You did it to me, too!” doesn’t excuse get-even scorekeeping. Doesn’t the word “communication” mean two adults are involved, not just two squabbling children? Are you right, or what?

Yeah, even though you’re “right” much of the time, an Empathizer-defender may still get into trouble with onlookers (parents, work colleagues, friends) who view their response as being “too large or extreme” given the situation. Guess who set up making you look bad?

DON’T WORRY…BE HAPPY…FIX YOURSELF INSTEAD OF FIXING OTHER PEOPLE?

Take a look around you, my astute and tender-hearted, E-types. A negative I-type will snap, huff and puff, and puff up in anger when you hit a sore spot that you ought to remember the next time you’re “gone fishin’.” But take an even closer look. Quite soon after a heated debate or angry interaction with you, you will be long forgotten as the I-type moves on to the next fishing hole.

Shouldn’t you do the same? Maybe you can’t “fix people” who don’t want to be fixed…and who don’t believe anything needs to be fixed in the first place about how they carry on in “psychodrama” in their work and personal relationships. Just maybe, who knows, the only person we can fix is ourselves?! How are you fixed for happiness, lately? And are you the fish or the fisherman or fisherwoman? Listen to the “moves” your antagonist makes to get you to take the “hook” and put you on the line of feeling bad.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new communication program and leadership communication workshop, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in fact your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. In the case above, Empathizers feel uptight being “mean” while Instigators feel uptight when being “too nice.” You can “test your type” and receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are being “psychologically tortured” then it’s time to be the fisherman or fisherwoman of people…instead of the fish.