Posts in category: NEGATALKERS

I’M JUST A DUMB SALESMAN…JUST PUT IT TO ME IN ENGLISH

Do you view communication as a strategic poker game or like playing a good game of chess? I coach many executives who do just that. For example, Pete, a forty-something sales leader, put his spin on making communication strategic: “I view business as a poker game. You are constantly on view when you’re the head of a sales organization, so you must protect company information as well as your emotions. It’s critical to remain in control of your environment. Unfortunately, I take that level of apprehension and mistrust home with me far too many times.” Net result: Close relationships are negatively impacted as communication closes down.

PLAYING THE COMMUNICATION POKER GAME

Do you agree that improving communication makes for doing better business? Let’s find out if you win or lose by making these communication moves. Here’s how the poker game is played:

1. HIDE YOUR BLUFFS EXPERTLY. I hide what I have in my hand, and I play with a poker face. I don’t want to disclose that what I’m telling you is anecdotal or lacking in facts, until I know what your hand is. Till I see your cards, I can dance all day. Being protective of my hand prevents others from snagging information from me that they might use against me at some point in time, and it prevents me from divulging more information than I want. The point is to win the hand.

2. I DON’T LIKE TO LOSE. I like to win. I don’t like to lose because I’ll feel inferior. How I’m perceived is extremely important to me. I want to be viewed as having substantial integrity and professionalism. But to tell you the truth, I would like for people to describe me as a nice guy, someone they want to be around, not have to be around. Maybe it’s a longing to be liked. I feel bad when I’m not included, but I typically am included because I’m V.P. of Sales. Although I appear to take criticism well, it stills gnaws at me, fueling my inferiority feelings. The whole point is, I don’t like to lose because it triggers my feelings of inadequacy.

3. IT GIVES ME A SENSE OF MELANCHOLY. I don’t feel depressed, but I feel low. I’m not enthusiastic about anything, and I feel dejected. Seeing a psychologist indicates that I have failed. First of all, I screwed up. Secondly, why can’t I handle this alone? Thirdly, my sense of failure causes me to feel lousy. I define a failure as disappointing others and myself. Why? Because I’m supposed to be in control of my actions. I know the difference between the paths of right and wrong, and I’ve failed to make the correct choice. I chose the wrong path — shame on me. The point is, failure causes me to feel melancholy, because failure means I’ve disappointed someone.

4. TO CONTROL PRESSURE, YOU TRY HARD TO CONTROL THE SITUATION. So, you’re always thinking and trying to plan ahead. I have to manage this…and take care of that…and keep this person distanced from that person…and not let this person know that, but not let that person know this. It’s very calculating, there’s no question about it.

5. CRAFTY COMMUNICATION MOVES. I am very shrewd, but I will appease you by denying it. When confronted about being calculating, I will come back with, “I don’t think so.” Then you’ll say, “You’re really smart and shrewd,” and I’ll joke back, “I’m just a dumb salesman.” People will leave you alone and not push the issue when you tell them that. It works every time. “I’m just a dumb salesman, just put it to me in English.” It will disarm the person every time, and then I can move the agenda where I want it to go. Disarming is a better word than denying. In my mind, I’m not denying the truth, but I am disarming my communication partner.

6. CONTROL THE AGENDA, TOPIC, OR DISCUSSION. I control the agenda by deflecting the agenda of the other person. It gives me a sense of controlling my own life; someone else isn’t writing the rules. I deflect criticism, but I may or may not advance my agenda as a result. When I take this controlling stuff with me when I leave work…wanting to control the agenda, wanting to deflect criticisms, taking the “dog eat dog world” home…well, it doesn’t work out very favorably.

7. CHANGING PERSONAL AND BUSINESS COMMUNICATIONS. If I were adept at communicating at home, that would have a positive influence on how I handle communication in my business role. It could positively change some of the things I do. Hiding, deflecting, being disarming, winning at all costs, etc., doesn’t work out at home very well for me. Will articulating these hidden feelings actually help me score points with my spouse?

Successful leaders don’t often wear their feelings on their sleeves. But this same strategy of hiding emotions can wreak havoc at home, diminishing that feeling of intimacy. What can you do about it?

ARE YOU IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION TODAY?

Goals help focus communication changes when you want to change. Here’s how Pete described his goals:

Goal #1: Re-instill and rejuvenate my relationship with my wife

Goal #2: Regain my self-confidence

Goal #3: Let go of feeling that I have to keep things close to my chest

Goal #4: Learn to better express my emotional state of mind

Goal #5: Communicate more candidly without fear of the conversation’s content being used against me

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady walks, talks, and works on both sides of Talk Street, using the same innovative and results-driven communication system he developed, TALK TO ME: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Are you licensed to drive on the two-way communicator highway? Are you sending out positive messages and obtaining effective relationship results with those around your communicator table? The same communication strategies which work effectively for you while you are on the job may not work equally well at home, unless you live with your co-workers. You deserve to be a proficient communicator. Consult soon with communications psychologist Dennis O’Grady, at (937) 428-0724.

IF YOU DON’T AGREE WITH ME, I CLAIM TO BE MISUNDERSTOOD

Conversational coercion is manipulating the outcome of a conversation in a pre-determined way, to gain the upper hand strategically in order to get your way. For example, I may say, “You’re not listening!” when in truth you’re simply not agreeing with me. That example of conversational coercion is a twisted talk trick which shows you that it’s going to be my way or the highway for you. But at what expense? A good relationship?

INSTIGATORS ARE THE BEST DEBATERS

Instigators, or I-types, will be the first to tell you that the very best ideas stem from a good, fierce debate. What they won’t tell you is that their ideas aren’t always the right or best idea on the block. Now, truth be told, we all want to get our way. It’s just a plain old fact that Instigator communicators are masters at getting their pet ideas heard and acted upon. Are they good, or what? But there’s a cost involved: Conversational coercion leaves feelings of frustration and misunderstanding, and creates a disconnect with others. To put it dramatically, Empathizer communicators can feel conversationally mugged or raped and their confidence assaulted.

TECHNIQUES USED TO VALIDATE AND STRENGTHEN A DECISION OR POSITION

Coercive communication implies: “I’m doing the right thing here…I’m fighting the fight for good, not evil…It’s a battle between right and wrong…I’m taking responsibility here, so just take my word on this.” There are a multitude of pushy or coercive talk techniques:

• I’m a good person, and I’m not mean spirited, so…

• My intention is good so you should…

• This is the right thing to do because…

• If it’s a bad decision, it’s because I made it with limited information…

• If I had it to do all over again I would make the same decision, based on what I knew…

• Listen to me because I’m older…smarter…I care for you…I have more experience

It’s a good ole communication chess or poker game. Summed up, all coercive transactions intimidate you emotionally and send you packing on a guilt trip in this way: “Since I stand on moral high ground, you should listen to me and do what I want you to do!” Now, don’t you just feel loved from your eyelids down to your toes?

SECRETS OF THE TALK TRADE

The above examples coerce co-communicators to make them think that responsibility is exercised in a “righteous or moral” manner, when in fact, it may or may not be what’s happening. A few secrets of the coercive talk trade from my Instigator (I-types) guy and gal pals:

1. I am a tough debater, but I realize I also limit talk options.

2. If you don’t agree with me, I claim to be misunderstood.

3. Actually, I become frustrated that I’m not hearing from you what I want to be hearing.

4. Is this working for me? Not really. If the spirit of a conversation is to engage another person, then I shouldn’t shepherd or steer them into a position that limits their options.

5. I shouldn’t choose Empathizers’ positions for them. But I do.

6. I can talk circles around my opponents. Conversational coercion really limits Empathizers’ response options and flexibility.

7. This can precipitate a defensive posture with my E-type talk partner. Example: I limit the options so severely that the Empathizer communicator has to fight his or her way out of a corner.

8. As an Instigator, I’m guilty of “Conversational Abuse,” because I can focus the topic on a negative point and draw everybody into the fray.

9. Because I am an I-type, I have no doubt that a good defense (The Deflecting Defense) is a good first-strike offense.

10. As an I-type, I also believe that communication is a chess or poker game. You’ve got to play to win the point. It either forces agreement or makes the other player come up with a counter-argument very quickly, or a siege will follow. Who cares more? Who will be the last one standing? Who will not surrender the point? Who will have the last word? I will!

11. I am doggedly determined as an I-type, and my mental gyrations or exercises are incredibly exhausting on everyone involved. What I label as “damage control” is a real energy-drainer, and it often causes extreme relationship friction.

12. I can conversationally set the agenda and place individuals into positions they will have to defend. I say authoritatively, “Here’s the issue…and here’s what you think about it!”

13. Not only do I define the issue, but I also attempt to define how the people at the Communicator Table think about it.

14. True, conversational coercion has diminished utility when there is less of an emotional bond or connection, but I employ this approach professionally when someone isn’t buying into my plan. I take pot shots when I can, but without trust present, my co-communicator doesn’t listen to me.

15. I-types use verbal intimidation and re-directing. I can exert pressure and be verbally intimidating. I also create the urgency to hurry up and decide, because time is wasting.

16. Biggest drawback of being a tough-minded I-type? I can get my way, but it might be at the expense of finding a better way.

17. I restrain Empathizers with my I-type talk tactics. I jail rather than liberate. What is the enticement to enter into a conversation when you’re told what to think, how to think it, when to think it, and you have an emotional connection turn out to be a burden rather than a blessing?

IF YOU SEEK TO CREATE COMMUNICATION FREEDOM

What should you do if you seek to deepen the bond, create communication freedom, be open and visible, and be free to come up with more effective ideas? You must recognize that throwing punches of conversational coercion simply doesn’t work to accomplish positive intent.

Try this Positive Self-Talk Tool: “I will practice changing my habit of dominating a conversation, which leads to disconnecting and quashing disagreement. I will practice traveling in a middle zone instead of always trying to monopolize the dialogue. I will stop limiting the options of my talk partner. Empathizers have a right to speak up, too. I will approach an emotional topic with a cool-headed openness for both input and possible outcomes.”

“I’m in the right here because…” is a coercive talk technique that is a big lie told by small-thinking people.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer and pioneer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head, inside your company, and inside your relationships. Communication mistakes and accidents plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free you from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.

IN MY EXPERIENCE….

How do you give feedback to a hardheaded person? Giving tough talking feedback to a thick-skinned person puts your communication proficiencies to the test. It doesn’t matter if that person is a teen or a top executive or your life partner. Those communication roads can get pretty slippery. By using the Talk to Me© effective communication system, you CAN get your point across without getting off the track, being talked over, or shouted down. But it takes finesse, directive communication, a good communication map, and sticking to your plan without veering off the road or being deflected. It does take practiced skill, though, so you don’t walk away feeling, “Will I have to hit him with a 2×4 wooden plank to get this through his thick skull?”

TIPS FOR TALKS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE THICK SKULLS

You barely have to look critically at Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators to make them shake in their boots and change their ways. Not so with Instigator-type (I-type) communicators, who don’t give the time of day to people whom they don’t respect. As one I-typer told me, “I listen to upbeat people, not downbeat comments from people who are deadbeats.” Well, that’s a mouthful, sure enough! One I-type front-line manager recently wrote:

I decided to meet with Jack today to share my negative feedback with him. He’s not going to be happy about what I have to say. He’ll act like he’s never heard any of this before. Any dos or don’ts? I know you told me I will have to repeat my message as many as 5 – 7 times in the same conversation to get my points across. I agree Jack is stubborn as a mule; he always thinks he knows best…it’s always his way or the highway. I’ve clearly planned out what I’ve got to say. I know he’s going to be defensive. I don’t want to spend hours and hours in deep, candid discussion, and then wonder if I’ve wasted my breath or if my efforts have been productive. But it’s going to be a big relief to have Round 1 behind me.

“It’s my way or the highway!” is the call of the twisted talker and Cagey Communicator. Caring confrontation: Although with a hard headed person there will always be multiple rounds, you can win a few rounds which will prove decisive.

IN MY EXPERIENCE…GIVING CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK TO DEFENSIVE I-TYPES

Negative Instigator communicators respect strength and the ability to shoot straight at the talk-target bull’s-eye. Therefore, their honest “IN MY EXPERIENCE….” statements are frigidly factual and free of blame. What’s you edge? Your experience can’t be effectively debated or contradicted. You will be a “message machine” that sounds off a repeating core message, giving it an improved chance of reaching the threshold of understanding.

Real life examples of clear IN MY EXPERIENCE… language.

1. In my experience…you always act surprised, shocked, and offended when part of my job is to call you on things.

2. In my experience…it won’t fly that I don’t value you, pick on you, put you down, or don’t count you as a worthwhile. This isn’t just all about you.

3. In my experience…I have to repeat my main concerns many times to you and give plentiful examples, or you just try and blow me off.

4. In my experience…I try to be both diplomatic and candid with you. The results promised don’t happen. Meanwhile, much stress, time, energy, and grief are generated, and you impact everyone negatively. You don’t know that people around you fear retribution if they tell you what they think.

5. In my experience…you leave impressions all around you. Instead of listening with an open mind to complaints, you just fire back a list of your own and complain about how you aren’t getting enough help or recognition. What about that’s not true?

6. In my experience…you take credit for what you haven’t done. You talk up how great you are, which is a fatal flaw, because lies get back to people. You over-value your contributions and greedily expect to reap more. Why don’t you put as much energy into a project as others do? Do you even know how others feel about you?

7. In my experience…you get all in a huff when I disagree with your view, then you come back at me like a sledgehammer. What’s offensive about my disagreeing with you? How well are your ideas working? You have told some of these lies both in your head and out loud so many times that you believe them to be true.

8. In my experience…you go on and on about how you’re not appreciated enough…how you have it so hard…how no one listens to you or cooperates with the plan. But don’t you realize that when I’m steering the ship, you shouldn’t be barking out orders at me?

9. In my experience…you complain how you’re left out of the loop. But you have to earn things, not just expect things to be given to you. You weasel your way around issues. You talk on and on about how you’ve invested so much of you in whatever project happens to be at the forefront, and you really feel that you deserve respect. But respect is earned, not purchased like a fake diploma from the Internet.

10. In my experience…I don’t trust you. Sometimes, I have difficulty believing a single word that comes out of your mouth. People shouldn’t have to suck up to you. You resent me when I don’t kiss up to you, and you act unhappy to even know me. I reallly don’t care anymore.

11. In my experience…you get angry just to make people feel intimidated and back off when, in reality, they shouldn’t. You question everything and threaten strong-armed action if you don’t get your way. You always claim it’s about principal, but it all seems to be about you feathering your nest for your peace of mind.

12. In my experience…it’s always somebody else’s fault with you. I spend hours thinking about how I can communicate more effectively with you and actually get though to you. Others have a different impression of you than you think they do. I don’t think we can work this out. I have to do what I need to do. This isn’t working.

13. In my experience…you create all these ideas of who you are and all the wonderful things you’ve done. Trust is huge. I have very little trust in you. You lie and make revisionist history. You make claims and take credit for things you say you’ve accomplished, which you haven’t. You give people the impression that you’re the hero on the accident scene. You talk like you created everything good in the world.

ON THE HOT SEAT: DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME WITHOUT COMMUNICATION COACHING

Aren’t these real life examples of how to keep the “always right personality” on the hot seat for a change? I realize that the tone of the message is important. These YOU statements are restricted for use with hardheaded people, when everything else you’ve tried (like talking rationally) has failed. And Instigators will be the first to debate the point that they aren’t that hardheaded or aren’t that hardheaded that often.

TALKING TOUGH

Personally, I have difficulty repeating a message 5-7 times, because it feels disrespectful to the intelligence of my talk partner. But people do have cotton stuffed in their ears sometimes! I’ve learned that “staying on message” works if anything will. Why? Tough talking yet caring and confrontation transactions are designed to:

1. Interrupt debating

2. Disrupt the poor story line of the negatalker

3. Encourage the listener to internalize and comprehend the constructive necessary feedback

4. Interrupt the cycle of causing anxiety/anger/blasting others in defensive communication

5. Discourage the, “You should take care of me because you don’t know the trouble I’ve seen lately…!” negatalking

6. Stay focused on “IN MY EXPERIENCE” because that can’t really be argued

7. Disallow the ducking-out-of-taking-responsibility-by-taking-a-talk- sledgehammer-to-your-head strategy

Often the ITI has to take leave from the directive confrontation to think about what’s just transpired. You will be surprised, and perhaps pleased, at what will be adopted from your trustworthy words.

NEGATIVE FEEDBACK COMMUNICATION CLIFF NOTES

Here is the Cliff Notes version of lead-in phrases for selective transactions for Giving Corrective Negative Feedback to Instigator communicators …

1. My experience has been….

2. This isn’t working because….

3. Results haven’t been….

4. What I expect from you is….

5. You listen AND I’ll talk. Then you can respond, and I’ll LISTEN!

6. I can’t believe it. Are you going to deny it? Don’t lay that on me….We’ve had a failure to communicate constructively….

7. What you think is taking place hasn’t been the reality around here in my experience….

8. Frankly, I have trouble believing a word that comes out of your mouth now….

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer and pioneer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head, inside your company, and inside your relationships. Communication mistakes and accidents plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free yourself from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.

DOES YOUR TALK PARTNER HAVE DEAD EARS?

“It’s all about you!” repeatedly calls out a crazy driver on the two-way talk highway as he runs you off the road into a ditch again and again. “That’s not what I meant to say!” is a sign that communication has become a battle zone. Of course, “You’ve ruined everything we once had!” may not be crazy or even mixed up. I-types, or Instigator-type communicators, are very strong-willed and strong-minded natural problem solvers. When there is a war of wills, with battling instead of communicating, the bridge of interpersonal trust is blown up…with no real winners in the circle and few or no materials available to rebuild the bridge.

THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL’S BACK, or WHY CAN’T WE FIX OUR RELATIONSHIP?

One partner cried out, “It isn’t working, and it never will!” “Why can’t we fix our relationship?” bellows the opposite partner. Well, your relationship may not be “fixable.” One client put it this way during a couples’ session:

Why doesn’t our relationship get any better? How much therapy, church, or other avenues of self-improvement can really help you? It’s so hard to believe anything that comes out of your mouth. You can’t have a good time, and you get angry so fast, then you leave psychic bodies strewn all around. How come you’re not proud of yourself and your family? I can’t conceive how someone can be that delusional. You live in your own world which can’t, or won’t, include me. It’s difficult for you to find the good in anything.

If you’re battling with anyone, God — or Goddess — is giving you a wake up call.

THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID…

Over half the time, relationship communications coaching works really well. But sometimes a relationship isn’t going to get any better. How do you know? When you hear, “I can’t live my life like this. I’m an optimist who tries to focus on the positive, but I’m feeling so down and blue.”

Read on for private client quotes as to the causes that make an Empathizer or Instigator partner feel frustrated, worried, and depressed, when relationship communication strategies just aren’t working:

1. LAZINESS. No efforts were made for years. You screwed up a good thing, and created much of this scene yourself. I have to take care of you, and I work far harder at it than you do. You expect me to take care of all the problems you create.

2. LIES. “Everything was my fault!” is the way the focus is flipped back on me. I thought I was going crazy. Now I have difficulty believing a word that comes out of your mouth.

3. UNCHANGING. You’ve made no sincere efforts to change. I give you feedback which could help the situation, but it’s like talking to a wall. It’s easy to blame everyone else for your problems, but we are grasping at straws this time.

4. DICTATING. I’m not going to be afraid of loss, or your threats, and I’m not going to be told what to do. Why do you always make me out to be the bad guy? It’s emotional blackmail!

5. EXCUSES. I’m tired of making excuses and covering up for you.

6. DEAD EARS. I just don’t think you get it. You turn everything around and twist the truth to focus the blame on me. You don’t hear what you don’t care to hear.

7. RANTING AND RAVING. When you get mad, you cut others off at the knees and leave psychic bodies strewn all around.

8. DISTORTION. When confronted, you say, “That’s not what I said or meant!” or you deny allegations to the hilt, even when they’re supported by evidence. I always have to weigh what you say against the reality of what you will do. I am learning to hate second-guessing myself. I shouldn’t have to second-guess myself!

9. LIVING IN LOSS. I can’t live the rest of my life this way. I’m at a loss for words much of the time. I feel like you’re not going to come to my aid, and I feel lost and lonely, without family and friends.

10. BETRAYAL. You used to like the strength of my character, but as I grew as a person, you didn’t want an equal partner who would work with you. Trying to convince me that I’m some kind of statistic or dysfunction won’t brainwash or beat me into resignation. I will not sit home and allow you to dominate my will. I won’t let others think you are something you’re not.

11. ROADBLOCKS. You throw so many roadblocks between us. You’re making it all about you, rather than thinking about my needs. Are you trying to scare me into staying with you, by saying that the end result means that our relationship is terminated? Why do you want to live with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Why do you start with a conflict 15 minutes before I have to leave for work? Is it because you know I — we — won’t have time to resolve the dispute before I leave, and that it will weigh heavily on my mind all day?

12. COWARDICE. You act like the cowardly lion. You even believe your own lies! You’ve created an “I-Me-Mine World,” and you want everyone to live in your fantasy. I just can’t continue this way any longer.

13. ENERGY. Being with you causes a tremendous drain of my energy, like a hole in my car’s gas tank leaking fuel. You try to manipulate me into thinking what you want me to think. I’m just too tired to go on like this….

14. MISERY. You say you love me, but you act as though you don’t even like me. I would be miserable if I chose to live with someone who doesn’t like me. You don’t like that I make money, have numerous friends, am involved in the community, go on missionary trips. What you like is that someone has been there to take care of your financial needs.

15. LESSER PERSON. If I continued in this oppressive relationship, I would become a bitter person, and I wouldn’t be the best person I can be.

Many unnecessary losses are inflicted by our own hands. If you’re digging a hole, put your shovel down and look around for help.

WHEN THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD

In distressed relationships, it feels like you’re going insane due to all the crazy talk. Crazy talk is talking about a romantic fantasy of how you wish things would be, versus the hard reality of how things really are. Stop second-guessing yourself. You didn’t get where you are in life by making bad choices. You can’t win in this relationship, and you want to become a better, not bitter, person.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is the father and developer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication to be productive and useful, inside your head and inside your relationships. Although negative relationships and communication accidents plague us all, the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free you from the tar baby of negative relationships and emotions.

EMOTIONAL INTERROGATION

Closed-minded communication in couples or work dyads shut off teamwork and trust. It doesn’t have to be that way. When a talk partner says, “I don’t want to go there!” … you don’t have to go there either. Why go to extremes? Extreme either/or communication or You must agree with me or you’ll be punished isn’t useful when emotions run wild.

EXTREME COMMUNICATION MOVES THAT MISLEAD

Extremism in the form of threats and outlandish requests are meant to make you back off from expecting accountability and measuring promised results. Here are some ways strong-willed negative talkers get you off track:

1. PUNISHING that takes away time, attention, a good mood, or simple respect, sends the message that you’re bad and deserving of punishment. Example: “Well, if that’s how you’re going to be, then I don’t see how we can work this out.”

2. DRILLING occurs when you’re subjected to a series of penetrating questions that confuse the point you are trying to make. Example: “Wouldn’t you feel the same way if you were in my shoes?”

3. An act of DEFIANCE takes place when a counter-attack confronts a personal weakness in need of correction. Example: “Why can’t you let go of the past, for gosh sakes?!”

4. Seeds of DISSENTION are sown in the relationship field instead of seeds of trust and love. Example: “What’s that got to do with anything? You just don’t understand my side of the story.”

5. POWER ON CONTROL is employed when urgent emergencies or emotional psychodrama take the focus off uniting in agreement about prioritizing problem resolution. Example: “I’m too busy and stressed out to deal with all your stuff right now.”

6. HIDDEN AGENDAS are sneaky ways to exert control at the expense of a positive relationship. Example: “You wanted me to take charge of the money because we agreed you weren’t doing such a good job with it.”

7. When THE OTHER SHOE DROPS, promises to you are not kept, detracting from relationship predictability and stability. Example: “I know I told you I would be home at a certain time, but I got tied up, and I don’t have any control over that.”

9. FEARING leaves a gaping hole in logic — fear in the driver’s seat of your life — fearing loss so much, that in an attempt to control it, you actually bring loss to your life. Example: “I know you’re going to leave me if I speak up too forcefully.”

10. A TIME GAP results when one talk partner insists on living in a brighter past or future, thereby avoiding the present. Example: “I promise I’ll do better and get to it tomorrow.”

11. The RULE BREAKER exudes arrogance saying, “I’m set apart from the ordinary rules you mortals must follow.” Example: “Hey, I never said I was perfect, and rules were made to be broken.”

I don’t want to go there is a strange form of self- and relationship-detachment fueled by fear. I guess we don’t want to risk getting hurt that way, eh?

I DON’T WANT TO GO THERE…I DON’T WANT TO GO INTO THE SWAMP OF MY EMOTIONS

What does I don’t want to go there really mean? It typically implies this logic lapse:

I don’t want to go deeper into my emotions, because I will get lost in that swamp, and be eaten by bugs and worse, and never find my way out, and my bleached white sun dried bones will be found decades later by scientists, SO I don’t want to talk about it…I don’t want to go there…I don’t want to deal with this right now…I don’t have the energy or stamina to talk about it anymore…if you love and respect me you will leave me alone…NOW….Do as I say, not as I do.

I’ve always wanted to write like Dave Barry and sell like Steven King!

WITHOUT GOOD COMMUNICATION THERE IS A LEADERSHIP VACUUM

Without good communication, there is a love and leadership vacuum. If you aren’t the authority of your life, if you aren’t in the driver’s seat of your life, then who is? If you’re not in charge of the communication during emotionally stormy times, then who is? Going ahead slowly will save your skin every single time when you’re lost in an emotional swamp and the alligators are hungry.

THE SLIPPERY ROAD OF EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION

Talking to someone at the same rank or level as you, such as a peer, is tricky. Talking to someone one level above or below you, such as a boss or child, is doubly tricky. Talking to anyone about anything when one of you is emotionally charged up, is almost impossible. Haven’t you noticed? Things go into a tailspin quicker than you can hide under your desk, when the fissionable material of fearful emotions and cold logic slam together.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is an effective relationship communication coach, communication keynote speaker and workshop leader who delivers individual and couples coaching, executive coaching, and corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. You can experience the benefits of his communication system directly by interacting with the 12 dimensions of the 2 communicator types (and switch among the 4 talk lanes when one is closed) in his book by the same title…. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.