Posts in category: NEGATALKERS

GETTING AWAY WITH ENERGY MURDER

Do you live your life by the rules of negative tapes? Put differently, do you pour sand into your gas tank and expect your car (self) to function properly? If you’re feeling depressed, you’re bound to be talking to yourself in negative ways that strain you and drain others who feel concerned about you.

DO YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE BY THE RULES OF NEGATIVE TAPES?

Jake, a 60-something Inventer relationship communications client of mine, put it this way:

I feel low in energy. I blow off steam by talking negatively. I’m an expert at reducing the positive and magnifying the negative. I love control. And how do people feel about me? Well, I keep my positive thoughts and experiences to myself. People tend to feel concerned for me and a bit worried that I never have anything positive to say. Therefore, people go out of their way to act compassionately toward me. People go out of their way to meet my needs. People go out of their way to be responsive to me. Why? Because I’ll let you know all the negatives…and because I don’t share positive things, I will feel very comfortable and in control.

A metaphor for the energy of a negative communicator: You will be like the Uncle Remus tar baby that trapped Briar Rabbit….I will suck away your energy until you feel stuck with me.

THE PERSONAL NEGATIVE TAPED MESSAGES PLAYED TODAY

Jake told me he plays a rigid series of negative tapes or messages he learned in childhood, which he still uses today. Examples of the negative messages played in his mind:

You’ll never be any good.
You can’t do anything right.
You’ll never amount to anything.
You have to belong to the clean plate club.

Jake said pensively, “How am I supposed to erase these negative messages? Do I even want to change? After all, I am VERY comfortable and in control of my relationships.”

GETTING AWAY WITH ENERGY MURDER

Jake didn’t share positive things. Like clockwork, Jake verbally reduced the positives and magnified the negatives! Did he really understand what he was doing to you? You bet. Read on:

…I terrorize. I can be quiet and intense. I push away from others. I push away from others because I feel more comfortable. It’s been too comfortable. Nothing’s disturbed this perfect world I’ve created and control. I can give just a look and people are terrified. Simply giving a piercing stare causes others to cower, then stand at attention. I’m getting away with energy murder. I can stop whatever others are doing and make them pay attention to me. Nobody dares stand up to me and say: “Look, we’re not doing this anymore!” When I appear to be agonizing over something, people wonder and worry about me…and here comes all this free energy toward me.

Why go to such extremes to have control and rob others of their energy reserves, when doing so is sure to drive them away one day…just when you realize you need them?

DO YOU HAVE TO PROVE YOU’RE NO GOOD?

The conditioned parental belief of “You’ll never be any good!” results in destructive relationship behaviors…like making people respond to you because you appear to be in a bad mood, when you aren’t. How do you do it? Hide the positive and magnify the negative. Keep good thoughts to yourself. Push people away by controlling their energy or their will. Make people serve you…and resent being your own energy pawn. Do you live your life by the rules of negative tapes?

FEEL FREE TO BE YOUR “GOOD ENOUGH,” GENUINE SELF

How do you get out of this twisted cycle? Well, play new tapes that tell you:

–you don’t need to be in control of life

–that life isn’t supposed to always be cheery and comfortable

–that grief and loss aren’t unbearable

–that people ought to be permitted to give their energy to a relationship…instead of having their energy drained from the relationship.

In short, you don’t have to force others to like and love you. Easy now…it’s going to be all right from here on out.

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE OR DO YOU WANT TO ERASE NEGATIVE TAPES AND LIVE FREE?

Why would you want to make yourself uncomfortable? To let go of the neurotic need to control! “Aren’t I in control?” you ask. Nope, it’s all just an illusion! Do you have to sink so low that the only place to go is to go on or climb up? Realize this — you don’t have to control your relationships right out of existence. I know you’re not interested in doing THAT.

Do you really want to erase negative tapes and live free? You won’t be as comfortable, but you will feel happy, connected, and significantly closer to those around you.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is the father and developer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head and inside your relationships. Negatively charged beliefs plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free yourself from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.

YOU’RE RIGHT TO STEER CLEAR OF MR./ MS. WRONG

What’s it take for a good woman or man to find a good partner these days? Pure luck? Are all the good ones taken, as Negatalkers would have us think?

THE WRONG WAY OF FINDING MR. OR MS. RIGHT

Are you uneasy and gun-shy because you’ve had your own close call with identity theft and self-esteem death with your charming and disarmingly negative Cagey Communicator guy or gal. What to look out for if you’re a sweetheart of an open and honest communicator:

1. TWISTED THINKING. You never feel like you get a straight answer to a simple question, and even easy topics become complex psychological talk projects with Mr./MS. Wrong.

2. IMAGE IS EVERYTHING. Mr./MS. Wrong is a “nice guy or gal” who is an interpersonal politician who “invents an image” that is designed to sell others a “favorable” impression.

3. MAKES MESSES. If you trace his steps and actions, Mr./MS. Wrong makes one mess after another in her personal relationships.

4. BRINGS DOWN. Mr./MS. Wrong even has the nerve to complain about how people react unkindly to the very messes he makes in their living space. He brings good things down, and entices you to work harder and harder to try and make her happy.

5. HAMMERS YOU. If you question Mr./MS. Wrong or assertively stand up to him or her, you will be hammered down with all sorts of rationalizations and justifications about why she’s right and you’re wrong.

6. CLOSENESS PHOBIC. Mr./MS. Wrong lives by The Little Whorehouse movie musical lines: “Now you see me, now you don’t!”

7. CONFUSION. Mr./MS. Wrong flows and empties like a tide pool, while you get sunburned and feel confused…and then blame yourself for what went wrong.

8. A BOLD-FACED LIAR. Mr./MS. Wrong tells such big lies that you might just be tempted to think there’s some truth to them.

9. HYPNOTIZER. Just because someone says something don’t make it so! So don’t be hypnotized with reverse psychology, because what Mr./MS. Wrong criticizes as your weakness, is in fact a pure strength of leadership.

10. LAZY BONES. Mr./MS. Wrong thinks winning means that your try harder and put more energy into the relationship than she or he does.

11. A MAGNETIC PERSONALITY. How cute and quaint that Mr./MS. Wrong sells everyone on his appearance of normalcy and niceness, while making you feel crazy but intrigued.

12. QUICK TO BLAME. Justifying how “It’s not my fault, because people were doing it to me, so I couldn’t control it!” Fact is you have a control freak, an anti-change or rigid thinking junkie on your hands.

13. IMPLIED MESSAGES. What isn’t said, what’s left out of the conversation, and what’s implied in statements are hypnotic messages meant to wear you down into agreeing with his or her viewpoint.

14. TERRIBLE TWOS. When Mr./MS. Wrong can’t have his way, he will pout and shout about how unfair you’re being, and throw a temper tantrum that would put a two-year-old in stitches.

15. WEAR YOU DOWN. Mr./MS. Wrong doesn’t take no for an answer, and will like a sledgehammer wear you down with “logical arguments” until you stop standing up for yourself.

16. RUNNING THE TALK MAZE. Mr./MS. Wrong makes you feel like you have to run a maze to be close to him or her, until your head spins and you feel confused and have lost your way.

17. UNHAPPY. Mr./MS. Wrong is never truly happy, because it’s never quite good enough, and you could do much better.

DO YOU LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS HE LIKES YOU?

Is your energy being drained? Energy needs to be about equal in a positive relationship. Mr./MS. Wrong changes the score of the game, and the minutes left to play, because he OR she lacks integrity and he justifies unethical actions in business and romance. Do you like a good challenge? Well, then hook up with Mr./MS. Wrong — who is neither fun nor loving over the long haul.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady is a professional psychologist who has clinically researched how lonely it is at the bottom of the communication dating pool. Dennis has looked into a subgroup of negative communicators, called Cagey Communicators, who really can make a mess of things, and make a romantic partner feel as if “I should’ve seen through it.” Do opposites attract? Yes, opposites attract, but they don’t last. You shouldn’t have to work so hard to be emotionally close with someone, right? Giving shouldn’t be a one-way street. Image isn’t everything, because heart-and-soul is also needed, to make the communication body go. Actually, Mr. Wrong and Ms. Wrong both fit the personality and communicator profile above. It’s the hardest type to catch on to in the Land of Ozzie and Harriet and The Wizard of Oz. Are you abnormal? Aren’t you honest and open, what you see is what you get? Aren’t you an Empathizer who needs to take a stand and stand for positive relationships that hold people like you in an embracing hug? If you are separated or divorced, perhaps you’ve caught on to the fact that relationships shouldn’t be so much hard work that involves only one person being able and willing to drive the couple communicator car.

19% ARE TOXIC COMMUNICATORS

Does a toxic communicator get under your skin or drive you up a wall? Or do you feel stuck in Uncle Remus’ Tar Baby of negative thoughts and feelings? Toxic communicators make you feel that you’ve dug a deep hole for yourself and jumped in, just to make yourself miserable. Actually, whether you were pushed into the hole or threw yourself in head first, followed by a metal shovel dropping down on you, you’ve got to get clear of confusing communication. There are other road signs that a toxic communicator has taken up residence in your mind and is dominating your will.

ROAD SIGNS or HALLMARKS OF TOXIC COMMUNICATION

According to my research, only about 19% of communicators are toxic communicators who spin confusion all around them. Common symptoms you will feel, courtesy of The Cagey Communicator:

You’re left a mess. You wake up in the morning, or go to sleep at night, re-hashing the insane things the toxic communicator has said or done.

Can’t and don’t communicate. “We can’t talk!” is how you’re left feeling, since you can’t really pin down the toxic communicator who is forever scheming and planning.

Sucked into the wounds of the cagey communicator. Toxic communicators pull you into their grief world to heal them, and then you’re left wounded and lonesome.

Wallowing in suffering. You blame yourself and kick yourself in the head for feeling so bad for so long. Whoops! You’ve been had once again, because it’s not your fault.

I can’t get you out of my head. Your head is crammed full of the crummy stuff that the toxic communicator has so carefully stowed away, at your expense.

Panic, anxiety, and personal unrest. Your life intent is happiness and peace of mind, not having your mind split into a million little pieces by the controlling will of the toxic communicator.

It’s now time to flick those toxic people off!

LET IT GO IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER

If your head is SO jammed full of fear and anxiety, then you are most likely a too sweet Empathizer communicator whose mind has been taken over and whose spirit has been soured by a toxic communicator. Now hear this: You have to do what will make you happy! Talk to You: “I have to do what will make ME happy!” Now, what communicator moves can you make so you’ll feel sane and serene again?

ANTIDOTES TO TOXIC COMMUNICATION

Although your mind has been in a rut, you can move out of that rut by turning your steering wheel slightly to the left or to the right. I should know, because growing up in Michigan winters gave me plenty of practice time! My dear E-types, here’s how to avoid “getting stuck” in negativity:

1. I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE. Toxic communicators are poison to everyone. You’re not the only one, and this isn’t about you. Say, “Since I’m not the only one impacted, I won’t allow my mind to stay in a fear-driven place.”

2. IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL. Toxic communicators can especially confuse sensitive and loving souls who are interpersonal experts. Say, “It’s nothing personal, because now it’s only business between us.”

3. I’M NOT TO BLAME. Toxic communicators make you feel responsible for fixing their problems and healing their ancient grief wounds. Say, “I’m not to blame for this mess, and I don’t always have to clean up after a messy communicator!”

4. I’M CONFIDENT OTHERS SEE WHAT I SEE. Toxic communicators can fool some of the people some of the time, but can’t fool all of the people all of the time. Say, “I’m confident that neutral outside authorities see what I see taking place.”

5. I HAVE CONTROL OF PUSHING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS THAT DON’T SERVE ME OUT OF MY MIND. Toxic communicators want you to stew and sulk about their ship of fools. Say, “I have the control to push out negative thoughts that are crowding my mind!”

6. I CAN BE COMFORTABLE WITH PEACE AND HAPPINESS. Toxic communicators despise peace and strive for war, discord, and divisions that control the flow of information. Say, “I am increasingly comfortable with peace and happiness!”

7. I MOVE OUT OF MENTAL RUTS. Toxic communicators don’t have the final say, because you can allow negative thoughts to pass on through your brain. Say, “I will easily move out of the mental ruts I find myself in today!”

The clever fox wants you, the rabbit, to fight the Tar Baby of their negative talk so you get stuck faster in the goo of it. Not today. You now have the antidote to toxic communication that is NOT about you! Say with me now, “You and I are not our negative thoughts and feelings!”

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist, relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. His areas of focus are change management, constructive team relationships, and effective communication. Dennis is the developer of the powerful new Talk to Me© effective listening and leadership communication training system. Copies of his book are available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by calling and personally consulting with Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.

Have you ever wished for the perfect comeback to bullying negatalking that stings your ego or hurts your feelings? Who hasn’t! Sure enough, talking can get all twisted up like knots on a shoelace and trip you up. But how do you untwist twisted talking that spins your brain and makes you feel drained? How do you stop someone from putting words in your mouth by using a Talk to Me© effective communication system tool that works?

PUTTING THE BRAKES ON BAD TALK

By definition, toxic communication is emotionally confusing communication. So all you have to do is fill in these blanks to make a decent comeback that will cool down hot tempers, keeping them from flaring up and scalding your face.

1. HEARING ______

2. MAKES ME FEEL _______

3. LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!

Just fill in the blanks and keep your voice tone low and level. Don’t even raise your volume. Calmly say what you’re hearing…calmly say what you’re feeling…calmly share what you want, which is simply your assertive request to change the topic.

A LIVE EXAMPLE OF COOLING DOWN WHEN TALKS HEAT UP

Here’s one “live talk” example of this standard comeback to unproductive negative talking:

1. HEARING ____ when you belittle my husband/wife/partner/friend…

2. MAKES ME FEEL _____ sad…or angry…or uncomfortable…or….

3. Let’s talk about something else!

COOLING YOUR JETS

Rude or disrespectful comments also can take your mood to supersonic speeds and disproportionate levels, making your mood go boom! Here’s another topical example:

1. HEARING ____ you say I’m too sensitive…

2. MAKES ME FEEL _____ frustrated.

3. Let’s talk about something else!

When a person without a psychology degree and license offers psychoanalytical critiques about your personal motives or character, it is an illegal turn or blame game on the two-way communication highway.

DON’T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH…DON’T JUST TALK…LISTEN TO ME

One new move is all it takes for you to cut right to the chase. By using this communication tool, you can put the brakes on bad talk driving habits and change directions when your communicator car is traveling down a dead-end road at breakneck speed.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship communications expert, inspirational keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and experienced couples and family counselor. For over 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book on positive and effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

DO YOU SUFFER FROM RELATIONSHIP ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER?

Let’s be honest here. Most of the time you don’t listen genuinely to who’s speaking. Perhaps you have concluded that you’ve got the person all figured out, and you know what he’s going to say before he says it. Or perhaps you’re just listening to those old tapes again from which you learned how to hear and listen…such taped negative beliefs as: “You can’t expect men/women to understand.” “I don’t have the time right now.” “People are just in it for themselves.” “I’m not a very good listener or communicator!” Why stay in the listening dark ages, rattling around in a cave in your own skull, feeling old and alone?

PRACTICE BEING A BETTER LISTENER TODAY

What can you do today to become a better listener? Admittedly you can’t get good at something when you’re not coached and when you don’t practice. What can you do about improving your listening skills and communication effectiveness? Well, stop playing your victim violin! What do I mean? Oh, that teeny-tiny victim violin that we all pull our bows across from time to time, the one that makes such loud and grating noises that it is SO difficult to hear what’s actually being said or implied.

Listen Impossible: Your goal, should you care to accept it, is to practice being a better listener today. First, ye shall listen up before ye speak out!

LEAVING PSYCHIC BODIES STREWN ALL AROUND

Wanna know how to turn people off fast? Become hostile by acting standoffish when someone shares the truth of her inner experience with you. It’s like throwing rocks at or keying the communicator car of a person you know and love. Other reasons to put cotton in your ears to block out any novel ideas that could change your mind and your life:

1. LAZINESS. I let my mind run all over the place.

2. PREOCCUPIED. My mind is filled with all kinds of worries, large and small.

3. STUCK IN A PAST RUT. I’m mulling over emotional relationship issues that I don’t feel satisfied about and over which I have no control.

4. WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE. Like Chicken Little, I’m brooding over what will happen IF…the bad things happen to good people.

5. TOO TIRED. I’m feeling sleep deprived or emotionally hung over from thinking too much the night before.

6. NOT EVER ENOUGH TIME TO GET IT ALL DONE. Running from pillar to post and wearing holes in my sneakers, I run myself down instead of pumping my mood up.

7. SALUTING FAMILY TRAINING. I consider it a waste of energy to really listen to anyone who doesn’t hold the same life view about money, race, communication, etc., that my family of origin carefully drilled into my dear little ears.

RELATIONSHIP ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER

You’ve got the time and talent to be an enlightened listener, don’t you? You have a surplus of energy because you don’t suffer from relationship attention deficit disorder. You’re equally into yourself and your relationships, because you don’t allow yourself to be run over by a Mac truck of feeling blue, anxious, or out of control for long.

LISTEN UP

We never run short of excuses for why we don’t listen, so don’t psyche yourself out by being negative about your communication skills. Just admit it — often you don’t listen very well because you don’t have the goal or focus to listen effectively when you talk to someone.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region corporate trainer, keynote speaker, couples counselor, and relationship expert. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.