Posts in category: NEGATALKERS

SMART AS A FOX IN A CHICKEN COOP

A cagey communicator is a “smart as a fox” type you can’t really pin down, no matter how hard you try to. Cagey communicators steal the will of the people right from underneath their very own noses. They are able to convince you that what’s false is true, what’s up is down, and that the reason you frown is not their fault but is due to your own shameful unworthiness.

CAGEY COMMUNICATOR TRAITS THAT WILL ENSNARE YOU

There’s nothing “regular” about the “brainwashing” capacities of the cagey talker. Here are the leading traits of the cagey communicator that can make you feel like a caged animal who wants to run free:

1. DOESN’T LISTEN. Cagey communicators do not shut up and listen! They will go on and on and on, beating the same drab drum about what rules of right vs. wrong you and the group should fearfully follow.

2. IMAGE MAKER. Everything is smoke and mirrors in the sometimes Funhouse but most times Griefhouse of the cagey communicator. Impression management: You will be told and sold the approved social image that the cagey communicator wants you to believe.

3. INTRIGUE. You will be kept guessing as to the true identity of cagey communicators. However, they say a lot about the self all the time. That is, if you can believe that what they say they are, is what they say they are!

4. WILL BREAKER. You will feel coyly controlled, or that your freedom has been jailed, and you will feel forced to go along with their program — if you know what’s good for you.

5. COWARD. The cagey communicator escapes personal problems at all costs. Failures and conflicts are always about how what’s gone wrong is the fault of someone or something else, that is bad to the bone.

6. STIRS UP CONTROVERSY. Cagey communicators are dishonest about what they are truly feeling. Moreover, to take the heat of accountability off themselves, they will set fires in adjacent locations as talk distractions.

7. RELATIONSHIP DEFICIT DISORDER. There will be no “true” relationship or interpersonal closeness with people who matter most to a business or family. As soon as you get close, the cagey communicator pulls away.

8. HOOKS YA. Intermittent relationship reinforcement is used is used to keep you hooked and on the line. Thus, you will be the rat who is fed pellets by the cagey communicator, as long as you turn in the prescribed direction as instructed.

9. INSECURITY. Deep insecurity and old grief exist in the inner bowels of the cagey communicator, whose security is fortified by controlling others and by bending others’ will to their own purposes.

10. SMOKESCREEN. Claims to be fully committed, but isn’t. There are always two conflicting forces, such as two love partners or conflicting business alliances. What isn’t said but implied: “Although I’m always stuck in the middle doing the dirty work, at least I’m as needed as the tires on a car.”

11. UNCHANGING. Seldom does anything truly change inside the cagey communicator, but drama cycles around him or her constantly. Of course, you will be encouraged to dispense with some of your biggest talents, strengths, and assets, which will break your will and make you easier to control.

12. BLAMELESS. “It’s wasn’t my fault, because that’s not what I really meant!” is the escape clause that is often utilized by the cagey communicator. If you say something, doesn’t that mean that your word means something? Not to the cagey communicator, who manipulates a situation to get what he or she wants without the free consent of others.

13. HIT LIST. You will be widely rewarded, if you agree, or severely punished if you disagree or refuse to go along to get along with the unethically guided cagey communicator. Make no mistake about it…there are “hit lists” which are meticulously followed.

14. SUCK YOUR ENERGY DRY. The cagey communicator will put a long syringe into your skull, or a very long straw, and suck your last ounce of passionate energy dry. If you isolate or doubt yourself, you will dry up and blow away like dusty bones in the desert.

15. DON’T LEAVE ME! The cagey communicator will make you feel sorry for them, really, really sorry. It’s true! You will feel as if you’re stuck in a Tar Baby, and the harder you hit, the more stuck you will become. Don’t worry: There is always a next cast of players.

16. SHIFTING GRIEF. The ultimate dreaded inner issue that the cagey communicator refuses to turn around and look at is old grief baggage…very old. This unspoken grief is acted out or passed off to others in the form of guilt baggage.

The cagey communicator will not heal without ultimately dealing with intense grief issues.

TALK TO ME SYSTEM DATA

In my extensive studies using the Talk to Me system, I’ve found only 20% of communicators are cagey. That means 80% of us are straight shooters, who aren’t trying to get our way at the expense of others. Is there a difference among men and women? Gender speaking, 62% of manipulators are men and 38% of manipulators are women. But, oh my, how one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch, when allowed!

WHAT’S THIS GOT TO DO WITH HARRY POTTER?

I often hear “I don’t want to be associated with the cagey communicator any longer!” How do you break free of the cagey communicator? Well, you’ve got to leave, or fire them. That’s about the only two ways. You will work and try, and try harder, and work more and still nothing significant will change, at least for any extended period of time. Why is it so hard to leave them? Well, maybe they cause us to pull together as a group, activating our true inner powers for the good of all. That’s what happened to Harry Potter and friends when besieged by the cagey communicator called Prof. Umbridge.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship communications expert, inspirational keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and experienced couples counselor. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book of effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

You would think that Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are emotional and relationship experts. And they are. Yet long-fused E-types time and time again allow themselves to be bossed around by negative Instigator-type (I-type) communicators in the workplace and the homespace. How, you might ask? By falling for the emotional manipulation of the Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, in the form of guilt trips, causing E-types to back down from staying centered in their positions.

GOING ON A GUILT TRIP AGAIN?

“You hurt my feelings and are causing me to feel really bad!” is the primary relationship manipulation and emotional blackmail that negative I-types successfully use against “too sensitive” communicators. In short, here’s how my beloved E-types take a life detour by going on a guilt trip. A negative I-type rebukes the positive E-type with this implied message:

Shame on you. You are causing me great personal anguish that I would otherwise not be experiencing if you weren’t so mean to me. But you can make it all up to me by being nice again. I thought you were nice, but the way you are treating me is wrong. You should be ashamed of yourself for being so unkind and irrational. Don’t you know anything about the golden rule? Now get back in line or I won’t speak to you, or I’ll cause a loss to befall you that you will regret.

Get this: The debater is NOT actually feeling hurt. The negative I-type is just ACTING hurt to have his way. He doesn’t feel hurt! Duped again?

HOW IT’S SO-O-O EASY TO MAKE AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR CARRY YOUR GUILT

Distressed and under stress, you should know that E-types blame themselves for relationship troubles, while I-types blame others or the situation. E-types rope themselves to anchors and throw themselves into an Olympic size pool of pity…and expect themselves to swim effectively. Not! How to make an E-type go on a guilt trip:

1. KEEP THEM GUESSING. If you aren’t predictable in what you say or do, the anxiety of E-types will go through the roof.

2. BE THE SLEDGEHAMMER. If you talk over E-types, talk down to E-types, cut off E-types in mid-sentence, keep repeating stupid viewpoints to E-types, frown disapprovingly or snort in superiority — then you will make most E-types shrink away and feel cowardly.

3. FICTIONALIZE. E-types are suckers for words, actually believing that people mean what they say, not saying whatever will force their way. People can find excellent ways to fictionalize — making up stories, whipping up “What if the sky falls down on you” drama; stuffing “I couldn’t do anything about it” excuses down your throat; or psychocritiques of your good character. Net result: The E-type’s mouth is taped shut.

4. ROCK THE BOAT. Negative I-types have learned that when they are losing the war, the best way to distract the opposition is to wage another battle on a vulnerable front. This is also called “stirring the pot” or “standing up for what’s right,” which translated means “I will have my way at your expense now, because all is fair in love and war, and this is relationship war.”

5. CRY-POUT-SHOUT OR OTHERWISE GET ALL EMOTIONAL. E-types’ faces melt when tears or other tender emotions are displayed. So my esteemed I-types, if you aren’t getting your way using any other tactics, then boo-hoo and cry, or go into a fit or a wild-eyed rage. It works like a charm every time.

Are you tired of being nice, Mr. Nice Guy or Ms. Nice Gal, my dear E-type? I bet so. You are prone to getting whacked out by extreme thinking and extreme emotional displays of being hurt. Well, it’s time to make this all about you, isn’t it?

ARE YOU DEALING WITH A SCRAPPY OR A CRAPPY COMMUNICATOR?

Are you dealing with a crappy or scrappy communicator? Chances are your talk opposition isn’t feeling hurt at all, but simply making cool calculated communication moves to have her way at your expense. In short, the negative talker is just fictionalizing or doing some pretty convincing psychodrama to force you to back down emotionally. Hey, they’re just tricks of the guilt talk trade, y’all. Well, my respected Empathizer communicator, your blue communicator car will veer off the two-way communicator highway if you listen to such bad communication crapola. And whose fault is that? Now who’s in the driver’s seat of your life?

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is an effective communication keynote speaker and workshop leader who delivers corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. You can experience the benefits of his communication system directly by interacting with the 12 dimensions of the 2 communicator types (and switch within the 4 talk lanes when one is closed) in his book by the same title. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

Have you ever secretly wished you could annihilate all the stupid people in the world? I have, so do tell me the truth. If you had a delete button to eliminate the disturbing people in your life, would you push it? If you could erase all the self esteem-shredding statements which people have said to you, would you? Or would you work with the disturbing emotions and leave alone the people who disturbed you?

WHY GO NUTS WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE CONTROL

Do you know anyone who lives by a “whiny manifesto?” Do you know a member of your work or family group who doesn’t think he or she has any problems or issues that need to be dealt with? Who doesn’t….

Disgruntlements that disturb us mightily, that you and I can change:

1. I CAN’T LET OTHERS BE MY WORRY. Why should I chronically let others upset and unsettle me with their poor choices?

2. I CAN’T ALWAYS FIX IT. Why do I have to fix what others unmindfully break?

3. I CAN’T MAKE YOU MOVE ON AND CHANGE. Why do I feel others won’t change what’s annoying me and blocking good communication?

4. I CAN’T AFFORD A LACK OF CONFIDENCE. Why do I allow myself to think others have power over me so they can tear down my self-confidence?

5. I CAN’T MAKE PEOPLE FEEL GOOD. Why is it that I think I have the power to make others feel good when they don’t try to help themselves?

6. I CAN’T FIX YOU. Why do you think I can fix your problems? Remember that saying, “Give a child a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a child to fish, and he’ll never go hungry?” I’ve done all I can do to help you — now it’s up to you to step up to the plate and take control over your life.

7. I CAN’T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. Why do I feel it is my obligation to make everyone happy, when they have control over their own feelings…I don’t?

8. I CAN’T MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR YOU. Why must I knock myself out, giving and doing for you when you won’t help yourself?

9. I CAN’T MAKE YOU TAKE GOOD ADVICE. Why should I bother to give you good advice when you ignore it or wait for me to do for you what needs to be done?

10. I CAN’T MAKE YOU ACT POSITIVELY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. Why can’t you make choices that positively impact our relationship without my pitching a hissy fit?

11. I CAN’T SPEED UP YOUR DECISIONS. Why must you take forever and a day to make decisions that aren’t life-threatening or life-changing? I realize that all options must be explored and the possible outcomes weighed, but…get real!

12. I CAN’T DENY KIDS ARE AMAZING PEOPLE. Why can’t you accept the fact that sometimes kids have more insight into a problem or have a solution to a problem, than even the most intelligent adult?

13. I CAN’T GET AFTER YOU LIKE A MOTHER. Why do you expect me to be your parent? You may have different perspectives on some issues, but you have the brainpower and resources to take care of yourself.

14. I CAN’T MAKE YOU BE A RESPONSIBLE, CARING, LOVING, GOOD MAN OR WOMAN. Why must anyone feel that s/he isn’t capable of being caring, loving, and good, on his or her own? Ever heard the command, “GROW UP!“? If you want others to be caring, loving, and a good partner for you, then you have to reciprocate…or even initiate…those same behaviors that you want and expect…and, hopefully, deserve.

Allow your emotions to set you free. After all, if you were to delete all the people in the world who bug you, there are billions more where they came from to do you the same service.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of a powerful communication system which has been proven to increase positive communication, energy, mood, business performance, personal life circumstances, and to help those who use the system to enjoy the ride of their lives. Don’t believe it? That’s because you’re investing in energy-draining communication strategies that keep you stuck, spinning the tires of your communicator car until smoke is surrounding you. Would you like to take a little pressure off yourself today, improving your performance and your mood? Then learn the Talk to Me communication system that is results-driven and personally proven. Don’t know about your communicator type? Yikes…you are not licensed to drive on the talk highway! Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.

In the neighborhood of positive and effective communication, relationship trust lives right next door to relationship honesty. Justifying why you can’t trust, can’t be close and can’t be honest with your romantic partner gets old fast. But if everyone is after emotional intimacy, then why is interpersonal closeness as rare as sighting a dragon flying across the sky? When people try to get close to you, do you breathe fire? Do you back up and speed off in the opposite direction?

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE CHALLENGES OF RELATIONSHIP CLOSENESS

Relationship rules aren’t made to be broken. Honest and open communication is required if you are to be seen and heard and responded to as the proactive person you are. Here are some psychological truths about roadblocks that may stand in your way of risking relationship closeness:

1. I have difficulty trusting others with my true thoughts and feelings. Effective communication means you bare your emotional soul and expose your vulnerabilities to the light of day with your partner.

2. Honestly, I fear being seen as “too different.” Effective communication means you are true to yourself, even though you want to fit in and want approval from your social group and family.

3. I don’t want to make a mistake or repeat past mistakes. Effective communicators break from the rules of the past when they’re no longer working, especially when parents weren’t emotionally expressive or open with their children.

4. I know rules are made to be broken. Effective communicators don’t tell white lies of any size, especially when personal change is required.

5. I feel too pressured to relax. Effective communication doesn’t mean you are beaten down by internal or external pressures to “put on a good face” and live a false life devoid of intimacy.

6. I need to be the best I can be and come in first. Effective communication means that there are “wieners and losers,” but real people also win by revealing personal truths, struggles, strengths as well as weaknesses.

7. I must get past the pain fast. Effective communicators courageously share their personal pains and triumphs equally, realizing that talking about the pain may intensify it. But it’s through the sharing of real pain and joy that the price tag of deep emotional intimacy is paid in full.

8. Everybody wants the bargain of the day. Effective communication isn’t supposed to have many shortcuts, because you get what you pay for. For instance, it is unfair to expect your partner to love you when you don’t love yourself.

9. No one else is like me. Effective communication reassures the speaker that he or she isn’t alone, an alien creature, shameful and dreadful because of blaming emotions that bring a mood down faster than trying to swim while clutching tight onto an anchor.

10. I wear my mask and let you see only what I want you to see. Effective communicators are psychologically naked, open and flowing with those with whom they seek to build trust.

11. I don’t want to risk being transparent. Effective communicators know they alone control the choice to open up and be seen as a real person with real feelings and needs, independent from all others in their interpersonal relationships.

I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED

You cannot be true to others unless you are true to yourself. You cannot be emotionally close to others unless you risk transparency. You cannot feel peace unless you risk battling with a war of emotions. You cannot be loved by others until you learn to love yourself when you have no logical reason whatsoever to do so.

ABOUT PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP COACH AND FAMILY CONFLICT COMMUNICATION EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Your personal relationships are groomed when you use positive and effective communication skills and tools. You can learn how to express yourself emotionally, in powerful and positive ways that build relationship bridges of intimacy, with those you care about and love. Emotional intimacy is one of the five types of intimacy, and can include friends, extended family members, adult children and even small children and grandchildren. How to go about it? Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, called: “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.

If you know me, you know I hate getting a bug stuck in my teeth while whistling when I’m driving down the two-way communicator highway. Recently, I went buggy while doing the mall crawl with my teenager daughters; I was accosted by a salesperson who asked me: “Can I ask you a question?” I try to take good communication seriously, but that kind of bad talk strips the last nerve from my psychologist brain when I try to take good talk so seriously. Why be cranked up? Well, I want to be honest with you here…

HONESTY VS. DISHONESTY IN COMMUNICATION

I realize I am a communication prude, a communication conservative, a communication advocate, a communication hard hat, a communication zealot, a communication tiger, a communication geek. Thus, I actually take what people say seriously! Can you imagine that? So why do I object so strongly to dishonesty in business communication as a corporate trainer and communications guru?

1. LIES. Catch the control trip with, “Can I ask you a question?” Yeah, you got it. “Can I ask you a question?” IS a question, while the person acts all innocent that a question has already been asked. A white lie is still a lie!

2. CONTROLS. You’re automatically put in a talk bind with “Can I ask you a question?” Similar to “We’ve got to talk!” If you say “yes” you’ve given your permission for a one-way sales job to begin. If you say “no,” you sound unfair. What about “maybe?”

3. TAKES. It takes energy to defend yourself against dishonest talkers, because you can never tell what’s true from what’s false over the long-distance haul in the relationship.

4. CHEATS AND MANIPULATES. Dishonest talks are designed to make you go against your free will, by taking a talk road someone else wants you to go on.

5. CREATES MISTRUSTS. How can you trust someone who is only paying lip service to interpersonal honesty? Will you also be told and sold something that you need like a hole in the head?

6. PUTS YOU IN A GUILT CORNER. Dishonest communication attempts to stand you in a corner with your nose pressed against the wall. You don’t want to lose being an open person with an open mind by taking guilt trips, right?

7. GIVES GOOD TALK A BAD NAME. Dishonest communication uses words as a dictator would, one who treats adult citizens as disposable children who have no rights or feelings.

Do you communicate honestly, or dishonestly? Do you ask questions that really are embedded with answers you expect to hear?

LOOK WHO’S CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK, DOC

Yeah, I was peeved off at the salesperson while still being appreciative that we all need to make a living for our families. So what did I do? I’m not proud to say I feigned that I couldn’t speak English, which is dishonest because I speak the language a little bit. What happened next? More questions. That’s closed communication on a controlling one-way street, vs. open, cooperative communication on a two-way street.

MY BAD…DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…I’VE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU

I must proudly confess to promoting honesty in communication. Yeah, I also hate the popular sayings, “My bad!” which doesn’t honestly admit to a mistake. And I loathe the talk filler, “Do ya’ know what I mean?” And I laugh at the mind driller, “I’ve got to be honest with you!” All three transactions imply that I’ve got to agree with you…that I’m not competent or capable to think my own thoughts and come to my own conclusions …that honesty isn’t always the best policy as an independent person. I’ve got to be honest with you: Hey, hey, you, you, get off of my cloud!

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a Dayton region psychologist and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone,” is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.