Posts in category: NEGATALKERS

Why can’t get we all just get along? When you are cut off in talk traffic and you choose to revert to using non-verbal pointy-finger gestures, you publicly declare your Communicator I.Q. Are you clashing with a fellow co-communicator in work or family realms? Do you feel like the two of you are oil and water and just can mix or tolerate each other? Welcome to the talk club!

ROAD SIGNS OF POOR OR NO COMMUNICATION

Here are some common road signs of poor or no communication, signs that make you feel as if you’re stuck in one place grinding your gears…spinning your tires…and revving up your fears while going nowhere:

1. DETOURING DIFFERENCES. Although Empathizer and Instigator communicators have opposite strengths and complementary weaknesses, the clash of talk titans causes differences to detract or detour talks, and fiery crashes can result.

2. GRINDING GEARS. When you try to talk, you feel as if you’re talking to someone who speaks a different language, one who doesn’t listen with care or interest.

3. DENSELY UNAWARE. When you clash with a fellow communicator during foggy conditions, your fellow talk traveler may not pay attention, and thus “be not aware” of what’s really going on.

4. TRAFFIC JAMS. When talks get jammed up, you will try harder and harder (to no avail) to get through crowded talk intersections.

5. TERRORIFIC. As you fret and worry about getting to where you want to go on time, and the more you feel you stand to lose, the further down the road of frustration you will go…blaming others for your bad luck.

6. FACE SAVING. You “fib for the greater good” or tell white lies when tension is thick to save face; you claim that you’re not speeding when you are.

7. MIXED SIGNALS. This is when words and actions don’t match, and fantasy gets all mixed up with reality. For example, the “fantasy appearance” of working on things when the reality is quite different.

8. PERCEPTION MANAGEMENT. Putting footprints into the malleable sand or clay of the mind to promote your point of view at the expense of honesty and fairness. Thus, someone saying “I’m a good talk driver” may mean anything but.

9. CREDIT TAKER. Bad communication drivers take credit where credit isn’t due them, and they put on a good act or blow smoke to look good.

CLASHING VS. MESHING COMMUNICATION STYLES

The main fallout of clashing vs. meshing communication is that compromises aren’t reached, compromises that will benefit all and move everyone down the road where all want and need to go. Clashing communicators grind the gears in ear-slipping annoyance. Ugh! Do you feel like your point of view is run over by an angry driver? Then change your talk speed using the “Talk to Me” communication system.

ABOUT EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP COMMUNICATION KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND PERSONAL COMMUNICATIONS COACH DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton region communications psychologist and organizational consultant who is the developer of the “Talk to Me” communication system. Dr. O’Grady’s third book is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which boosts your mood and powers your professional business communications while being of positive benefit to your personal, marital and family communication relationships, too.

I’m a big believer in clear and precise communication. Unfortunately, too many times communication with a talk partner is about as clear as mud. “I can’t believe a word that comes out of his or her mouth!” is a huge red flag that honest and open talking is dead. This difficulty in finding out what’s true and what’s not will make you feel emotionally hooked and wrapped around the axle of a poor driver on the two-way communication highway.

IT’S TOO LATE TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY

Carole King had a hit song called “It’s too late to say you’re sorry”…a song about how love dies when doused with the kerosene of lies, distortions, and confusions. How to know if a talk partner is using interpersonal lies to drive you insane and steal your peace of mind:

1. ARE YOU MAD AT ME? Implies that you are over-reacting and don’t have your facts straight.

2. DON’T YOU REMEMBER MY TELLING YOU THAT? Implies that a speaker innocently forgot to mention a key fact.

3. I’VE HAD A LOT ON MY MIND LATELY. Implies that you don’t rate as very important in the scheme of things.

4. BUT I SAID I WAS SORRY. Implies that a simple apology fixes anything that’s been broken.

5. I DIDN’T INTEND TO DO IT. Implies that negative actions or words spoken without awareness don’t count.

6. IT WASN’T MY FAULT…THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT. Implies the person is being controlled by outside forces beyond his or her control.

7. WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS GIVING ME SUCH A HARD TIME? Implies that you shouldn’t have a problem with repeatedly being discounted.

IT’S NOT MY FAULT

“Why are you always picking on me!” Charlie Brown rhetoric, will be impossible to correct. “It’s not my fault!” or “That’s not what I meant!” and “I didn’t do anything wrong because I was just trying to do the right thing!” are psychoexcuses that will execute a good relationship by pushing a partner into a corner and then opening fire. And that is your fault.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS CONSULTANT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady wears two hats of corporate communication expert and relationship communication psychologist. Dennis has 30+ years of experience helping talk partners of differing levels and backgrounds hear the intended message their talk partners were trying to get across. He is the author of three books, a professional keynote speaker, and organizational consultant who uses the “Talk to Me” leadership communication system in companies, resulting in, “Now my manager is a better communicator.”

Are you the same person wherever you go? Do you act the same with whomever you talk? Do you know someone who puts on a good act in public while privately giving family members an angry side, one that might include blistering name-calling, blustery blaming, or brutal psychocritiquing? Well, isn’t that special! Interpersonal insanity is the act of being a completely different person in different situations.

INSANITY IS MESSING UP AND DOING THE SAME THINGS THAT WRECK RELATIONSHIPS OVER AND OVER AGAIN

Perhaps you’re in a relationship with a Slickster or Trickster, one who keeps messing up again and again, and is a genius at inventing reasons why it was a crazy accident caused by you. How to know…?

1. LIES WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE. An inventor of excuses and broken promises as long as your arm.

2. FLIPS THE SWITCH WHEN CAUGHT. An inventor of the “mad mood” when forced to take accountability for actions that ruin relationships.

3. FOOLS OTHERS. An inventor of the “perfect nice guy or gal persona” who screws things up to mess with your mind.

4. CAN’T CATCH ME. An inventor of the “logical debate” who, if you dare cross him/her, bears down on you like a size 12 shoe on a bug crawling across the sidewalk.

5. CONNIVES AND CONVINCES YOU TO SUPPORT THEM. Inventors of the “you owe it to yourself to look the other way and to take care of me,” seeking handouts that could poke a finger in your eye.

6. FEAR RULES. An inventor of “I’ll punish you without getting caught if you don’t go along with my plans,” that make you fear what could be coming next.

7. SCREWS THINGS UP REPEATEDLY. An inventor of mishaps, mistakes, bloopers and blunders, foul-ups, and the creator of all manner of hard feelings in relationships.

8. DON’T LISTEN, DON’T LEARN. An inventor of Relationship Attention Deficit Disorder, or the closed-mind-that-races-to-an-argument-before-your-point-of-view-is-fully-heard-or-understood syndrome.

9. WEARS YOU DOWN. An inventor of the “logical argument” that bears down on you like a screw in wood, to explain away why what s/he has done really hasn’t hurt you and yours.

10. PROMISES TO CHANGE BUT DOESN’T STICK TO IT. An inventor of the, “I will change” plea, and for a few months, while his or her back is up against the wall change happens, but s/he will return to old ways like a pig in mud.

11. APPEALS TO ALL YOU FIXER TYPES. An inventor appeals to all of you who are “fixers,” those of you who try harder to solve a partner’s problems than s/he ever will.

These are just a few of the “bait, hook, and switch” techniques that the person who drives you up a wall and down, again and again, will use as long as you let them.

FLIP WILSON’S “THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT”

My job isn’t to tell you what to do. My job is to point out to you that the person who drives you nuts is part of a nutty group who drives others nuts without intending to do so. You know who I’m talking about? Inventors who are chameleons and who change colors, depending on with whom they’re talking…you have to have a good reason for what you do, but whatever reason you have isn’t ever good enough…your intimate partner shows his/her “ugly, true side” in private at home with you when no one is watching or listening…the act, always the act, to show people publicly the good guy or gal…put themselves in the middle of psychodrama and then blame others for their situation…are always screwing things up, making you pick up the pieces and clean up the latest mess. In short, a negative person who anxiously claims that the devil of panic “made me do it,” so it’s “not my fault.”

WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY HAVE TO PICK UP THE BROKEN PIECES OR CLEAN UP RELATIONSHIP MESSES?

You don’t constantly and chronically have to clean up the messes that an adult partner, acting like a child, constantly makes.

WHO’S DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the developer of the landmark “Talk to Me” communication system, which systematically and effectively creates positive interpersonal and leadership communication strategies. Dennis provides corporate communication training and keynotes that make top leaders, managers, and the rank-and-file better communicators.

Are you bullish on negative news or positive news in the workplace? Do you stand by as an energy thief sticks a siphon in your communicator car gas tank, sucks your juicy motivational energy dry, and makes your get up and go, well, all gone and spent? Is your office space a place negatalkers come to vent about the latest work woe, scandal or gossip tidbit? Then chances are, you might be your own worst energy-draining enemy.

NEGATALKERS ARE NOT REALISTS WHO ARE HELPING, BUT PESSIMISTS WHO ARE HURTING EVERYONE

I’m not blaming everyone who is negative, because that alone’s their full-time job. I’m just saying that you’ve got to give your energy a chance, and turn off negative talk news stations at work. How to know if you’re a negatalker, or a condoner of negatalking:

1. EXTREMISM. Negatalkers blows things WAY out of proportion in ways that speak of lurking disasters and unmitigated emergencies.

2. WORRY WART. Negatalkers focus a 100-power magnifying telescope on even the smallest of worries in your brain, and thus turn a rolling snowball into an avalanche that all but kills the hope of personal change.

3. ROAD TAR. Negatalkers’ “psychocritiques” stick to you like tarry black goo or goop on your bright blue or burnt orange communicator car. “You should make me happy!” is the whine used to promote feeling good about bad feelings and taking on a pessimistic life view.

4. WET BLANKET. Negatalkers throw a wet blanket over the burning passions and talents that could easily produce positive, powerful results in your work world.

5. MAKE TROUBLE. Negatalkers make trouble for themselves and others, by doing more of what’s not working, and focusing on the little mistakes you and I make instead of the big miracles that positive actions could produce.

6. LINT-PICKERS. Negatalkers are smarty-pants who analyze the lint in their own deep belly buttons or pull on the loose thread in your business suit. At lunchtime, they will hand you a manure sandwich to chomp into, one that says sensitivity is for suckers, and that being truly genuine is a gargantuan bore.

7. LOSS LOVERS. Negatalkers are big Chicken Littles who foretell a future of loss…loss…and more loss, that serves to drag you down and make you frown and drown in an ocean of misery that later you will be blamed for because you’re too “naive” and upbeat on the subject.

8. BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER. Negatalkers can’t take a positive person and talker for long, because misery loves company, and negatalkers seek out judging and scandalizing others, plying cynicism and playing pessimism mind games while extracting perverse satisfaction from others’ suffering.

9. LAZY. Yes, negatalkers love to be in control and hate peaceful living that promotes progress and happiness…and they are the world’s best negative but effective communicators. However, negatalkers also avoid work and working, and procrastinate by stirring the pot and thriving on trouble.

Foggy communication highways need your clear and confident communication.

CYNICISM: PUBLIC ENEMY #1

NegaTalkers are LAZY. They also live by their own rules and are control freaks whose insecurity has gotten way out of control. Although cynicism is public enemy #1, that’s exactly what negatalkers take pride in, spreading it around at work like nobody’s business. Negatalkers get out of work, and excellent performance at work, by upsizing the negative and downsizing the positive. Go figure.

IT’S YOUR JOB TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY AND STOP LISTENING WITH INTEREST TO NEGATALKERS

Well, surely you’ve learned by now that ultimately it’s your job to make yourself happy and pursue your heartfelt goals that will make your workplace a more positive place to work because YOU are going around being the positive person you are. So, how to get your happy back? Close your gas cap when negatalkers are sucking your motivation dry, and drive off down the road of positive and effective two-way communication that realizes potentials instead of driving them into the nearest ditch.

ABOUT TOW TRUCK DRIVER AND CORPORATE TRAINER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides management communication training to companies and keynotes on positive and effective communication to organizations, using the “Talk to Me” communication system. Dr. O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He teaches that Empathizer communicators more easily “pick up” a negative passenger who talks non-stop about all sorts of negative things that will really rarely ever come true. In contrast, their tough-minded and thicker-skinned Instigator colleagues don’t feel as guilty clicking off the negative news stations on the radio. Both communicator driver’s need to “drop off” a negative passenger who stands against making good things happen company-wide. Both communicators can say or do some pretty stupid things when clear communication becomes foggy, as the “We team” becomes the “Me Team” and we run out of gas and need to call a tow truck. E-typers and I-typers both lose their bearing when their energy runs dry, and difficult emotions run high. The “Talk to Me” communication system is designed to help you and your team get on the road again to produce better results. It also teaches you how to fill your gas tank before you feel like you’ve failed at everything except being a failure.

Do you have a jerk for a husband? Do you have a crummy wife who is a jerkette? Have you lost your freedom a little at a time by the constant scolding from a negative backseat driver who has plenty of opinions about how to drive your communicator car better? Did you lose your happy a long time ago, and is it now strewn along the miscommunication highway like trash? If so, I don’t mean to be mean, but you may have a grumpy husband or a crummy wife riding on the passenger side of your life. Perhaps it’s time to look at your life map again and choose a new direction, instead of stare into the rearview mirror of your life and feel filled with regrets.

LOOK WHO’S TALKING: SCRAPPY VS. CRAPPY COMMUNICATORS

“Crappy communicators” are dishonest; they snap back reflexively or bark orders and advice at you to drive as they do. “Assertive communicators” hone their communication points into sharp laser points to light up the path ahead at night. “Scrappy communicators” are those of us who have learned to stand up for the truth and talk back without getting even, which puts you behind. Which one are you? Are you a scrappy communicator or a crappy communicator?

DO YOU HAVE A JERK FOR A HUSBAND OR A JERKETTE FOR A WIFE?

Let’s not cast stones of blame. The goal of this exercise is to look into a pond of illumination so that YOU can figure out where you’re going and with whom. Here are the negative traits of a demeaning husband or a mean wife of any gender condition:

1. Tries to tick you off and hurt you on purpose. A jerk punishes you when you push back and say “no way, Jose…but will decry and deny this truth ’till the cows come home.

2. Thinks it’s your responsibility to fix things. A jerk considers you an employee, one whose job it is to make a jerk’s life easier living. You’ll know if you constantly feel as if you’re working too hard to fix everything.

3. Always knows best (just ask him or her!). Exhibits “Perfect is, as I do!” rhetoric, since the jerker is privy to the right way to do things and VERY proud to tell you all about it.

5. Is into heavy-duty debating. A jerk wants to make all the decisions, while deluding you into thinking you actually made a choice.

6. Makes you feel brainwashed again. A jerk is lots of fun one-on-one – until there’s work to be done. If you can’t get a grip on griping, you will hear: “It’ll be fine. It’ll be perfect. You’re making a bigger deal out of this than it is, so give me a chance to prove it to you.”

7. Is a (Con)niving convincer and smiling liar. A jerk “had me convinced that I was the problem because I wasn’t happy, when in fact, I wasn’t happy because I was stuck in a relationship with that jerk!”

8. “I don’t believe it!” A jerk is a fake and a phony, a sick and twisted insecure liar of the slickest and trickiest kind. Maybe that was too intense! What you see in public is not what you get in private from the OCD or passive-aggressive trickster.

9. Grumpy husbands and crummy wives desperately need lives, too. A jerk is one because he or she isn’t dealing with the emotions of freedom, compassion, vulnerability, coldness.

BIG TALKER AVENUE

Are you a scrappy communicator or a crappy communicator? Well, truth is you can’t live on both sides of the Honesty Communication Street vs. Lying Like A Bad Rug Big Talker Avenue. Crummy husbands, crappy wives serve you a manure sandwich that slowly poisons your life.

PSYCHOANALZYE THAT JERK OR JERKETTE BEFORE HE OR SHE GETS AWAY

Missed communication is con-artistry that will make you scratch your head and try to figure the jerk out (which in and of itself would be a full-time psychologist’s occupation without pay). Have you seen your brain lately on Jerk? It’s not a pretty sight.

ABOUT THE DOCTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGY DENNIS O’GRADY WHO HAILS FROM THE INVENTION CAPITOL OF THE WORLD DAYTON, OHIO, USA

Demeaning husbands or mean wives are simply no fun in relationship heartland. You can snap and fly off the handle at the drop of a glass. Whether your glass is half-full or half-empty doesn’t matter, not when your broken glass is strewn across your floor in pieces. Love is like that: a fragile crystal vase that can hold so much as look as it remains intact. Jerks get off on jerking you around by the cheek or collar, much like a goat on a rope. When you comply, you are “loved”; but when you don’t comply, you aren’t liked or loved and you’re often told you’re in desperate need of psychotherapy. Jerks can turn a “sweetheart and a half” into a “sourhead twice over.” Call the emotional teacher (the one who reaches inside your chest and pulls out your lungs) by whatever name you will: Evil, mean-spirited, nasty, shaming, demeaning, annoying, difficult, rude and disrespectful, immature, displeasing, a jerk or jerkette, are “the most annoying piece of crap I know!” Any way you slice the manure sandwich, you’ve got to stop letting the jerks, jerk you around and bring you down. The reasons behind these logical feelings can be found in Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s third book called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With (Almost) Anyone.”