Posts in category: NEGATALKERS

Rejection is a sharp blow to the gut that leaves you reeling and feeling that you’re not worth much. Alarmingly, “psychocritiquers” specialize in making you feel guilty for your relationship talents, and claim that you are TOO sensitive while they surgically shred your self-esteem into tiny pieces. When you desperately need the love and approval of disapproving or insensitive people, you will lose any debate that you are a “good man or woman” who deserves to be loved and liked just as you.

YOU’RE BEING TOO SENSITIVE?

What type of “You’re just being TOO…!” criticism have you been lashed with lately? For example, “You’re TOO sensitive!” or “You’re TOO selfish and only think about yourself!” When the guilt bomb is dropped on ya’ baby, do you just stand there and take it? When you argue with a controlling criticizer or NegaTalker, you lose the respect of yourself and the speaker.

YOU ALONE ARE THE FINAL JUDGE OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT RIGHT STUFF YOUR CHARACTER IS MADE OF?

Why are you supposed to carry the guilt bags of a guilter as if you are their servant? After all, you alone are the final judge of who you are and what right stuff your character is made of.

REJECTING, REJECTING ZINGERS

Although rejection is always a two-way street, a crazy driver coming dead-on at your car at breakneck speed isn’t your fault.

You can disconnect from failure feelings by using this four-step, positive self-talk communication tool. Here’s how the self-talk technique works:

1. HEAR THE CRITICISM

Listen: Make sure you know exactly what you’re being accused of.

The Tool: Listen for the ending KEY word in “You are TOO…” statements.

EXAMPLE: “You’re just being TOO SENSITIVE.”

2. REVERSE THE REJECTION BY FLIPPING IT AROUND INTO THE POSITIVE STRENGTH.

Use Reverse Psychology: Think of the criticism as a signpost on the road of life that points in the direction of relationship talents and personal strengths that you may take for granted.

The Tool: Ask yourself, “What is the opposite positive side of the negative trait of…?”

EXAMPLE: You are being criticized that, “You are just TOO SENSITIVE.” Use reverse psychology to uncover your opposite strength, “What is the upside or the opposite positive side of being too sensitive?” The positive side of the trait coin: “The positive side of being too sensitive is enjoying EMPATHY.”

3. ASSUME YOUR CRITICIZER REJECTS OR SHAMES THE SAME STRENGTH IN HIS/HER OWN LIFE.

The Shame and Blame Game: Strong feelings are often shamed and blame-placed when talks heat up. So think of your talent or personal strength that is being critiqued, as something that your criticizer needs but refused to access due to parental programming.

The Tool: Ask yourself, “Is it true that my rejecter is shaming the feeling, and discounting the very same strength in themselves?”

EXAMPLE: “S/he is rejecting me for being TOO SENSITIVE. Is it true that he or she need to feel more empathy and sensitivity toward others but are simply too frightened to?”

4. PREDICT WHAT TREATMENT YOU MIGHT RECEIVE FROM THE CRITICIZER IN THE FUTURE.

The Future Painful Pattern: Expect a “distracting talks” pattern to develop where emotionally sensitive topics are avoided like the plague. Ironically, the finger of blame will be repeatedly pointed in the direction of your best talents and disowned strengths. Thus, you will be repeatedly criticized for strengths that you hide — talents that are also missing and rarely demonstrated in the life of the criticizer.

The Tool: Ask yourself “How can a rejecter give me something they don’t have inside to give?” Then somehow, do your best to give the missing experience to yourself as you live your life and encounter others on the talk road.

EXAMPLE: “How can someone who lacks empathy show me empathy? Why do I expect respect for my feelings, when I don’t respect that my feelings are moods that come and go? If I want to be treated with sensitivity, I had better start treating myself more caringly and empathetically for a change.”

IF YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF…CRITICISMS CRAM YOUR TALENTS INTO A JAR OF LONELINESS

If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect to ever be loved ENOUGH? If you don’t like yourself, why should anyone else bother to? Criticisms cram your talents into a jar and make you feel squeezed into a jar of loneliness. Love and hate are mashed and fused together by “psychocritiquers” who gain power by convincing you that their opinions about you matter more than what you think.

Anger is not used in caring or compassionate ways in this society. “I’m only trying to help you!” or “I hate to have to be the one to tell you this BUT…!” are polite commentaries that are dripping with the poison-tipped barbs of the blame and shame game. Unnecessary and inaccurate personal rejections and insults result.

What “negative” traits are you criticized for having? You can learn to turn rejections inside-out to lay claim to the gold mine of your secret secrets and hidden relationship talents that you sometimes take for granted.

WHY ALLOW ANYONE TO HARPOON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM?

You can pull out the harpoons that a “psychocritiquer” or guilt bomber sticks in the flesh of your self-esteem. You be the final judge of the kind of person you are. If you don’t like or love yourself, you will always be vulnerable to the approval and disapproval ratings of others who are seeking to control your mind and life.

Fear of criticism or of being disliked, is a fear-driven reactionary position that shreds your self-esteem with your consent. Stop going along with others who bring you down, and stop being a self-cutter who hates yourself when others refuse to love you.

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CHANGE SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s seven-hour audio program “NO HARD FEELINGS: Managing Anger and Conflict in Your Work, Family and Love Life,” shows how you can get past personal rejections and heal relationship resentments using positive and effective communication tools. O’Grady’s CommTools articles on “Guilt Bombs” and “12 Self-Esteem Rights” make fine accompanying reading. When you’re hit in the gut with rejecting and inaccurate punches, stop slighting and start boosting your self-esteem by using the “Talk to Me” communication system. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is available at his Dr. O’Grady’s site or at Amazon now.

For many people, holiday feelings come decked in holly-berry red, tinsel silver or Scotch pine green. For them, sleigh bells really do jingle.

Not all of us are lucky enough to be in that select group. There are also the lonely ones, the only ones to whom the sounds of Christmas are hollow.

THE LONELY CROWD

Lonely folks aren’t holiday haters; they aren’t dyed-in-the-wool Scrooges who never allowed themselves to enjoy; they aren’t weirdos or loners who don’t want to participate in the joys of the season. And, paradoxically, they aren’t alone in their loneliness.

AH, LOOK AT ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE

At heart, we are all existentially alone to some extent. So the lonely ones are people just like you and me. They don’t want to be left out any more than any of us do. Be kind and gentle with them (and you) if they cross your path this season. Be a kind and caring friend to yourself if you are one of them.

7 TYPES OF LONELINESS AND WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

Here are some people who are likely to be lonely through the holidays–and what they and you can do about it:

THE BEREAVED: Memories of departed loved ones occur more intensely during holiday gatherings. Instead of isolating yourself, join in. Let yourself mourn your losses to move on, tell stories about your lost loved ones and let the healing tears fall.

LOW SELF-ESTEEMERS: Your asking questions like “Who wants to go out with someone like me on New Year’s Eve?” or “What does it matter what I buy her, since she probably won’t like it anyway?” Give yourself a real Christmas gift by joining a group or getting involved in the personal growth psychotherapy of change.

MISTRUSTERS: You are cautious about revealing what you really think or feel, for fear of being hurt. Create a space for joy in your life. Make your New Year’s resolution to close the relationship confidence gap, and let yourself be loved and love.

SHY RETIREES: Don’t stop yourself from reaching out to others because you fear rejection. During the holidays, make a point of doing something you fear to do; call up someone you want to know better, and invite them out for coffee or cheers. Turn off your critical self-camera, and enjoy the pleasures of being with friendly faces.

THE DISPLACED: Fast-paced modern ways can cause disruptive life changes that make us feel uprooted and isolated, especially during the holidays. Reach out. Volunteer to help out at local shelters for the homeless or in a hospital; or visit shut-ins and needy people. Join a group where you can meet people of similar interests.

COMPULSIVES: You have worked hard to fight a dependency on people, food, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or self-criticism, and some of your feelings don’t fit your new life-style. Changing a worrisome habit can feel like losing a friend. Give yourself plenty of good feelings for your healthy new behavior that takes great courage.

COMMANDERS-IN-CHIEF: You think you’re in control and you’re tough, that you don’t need anyone’s approval. But everyone needs nurturing. Instead of roughing up people with your off-the-cuff-harsh words, be kind and make a pact with yourself to try a little time, love and tenderness.

Loneliness is a close family relative to depression. As an honored member of our human family, you do experience loneliness and the need to be connected to people who see and hear and sing along to the song of your true self, too!

ABOUT INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATIONS CONSULTANT, KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady lives and writes in the “cradle of inventiveness”…Dayton, Ohio, USA. His latest book is a mood booster called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” It is available at his Web site or at Amazon now. O’Grady is a licensed clinical psychologist who understands that the colors of Christmas are red, green–and blue.

As a relationship psychologist and personal communications expert, I’d like you to know that bad communication is the final straw that breaks the back of any relationship, large or small. In fact, the plaintive cry of anyone who’s chronically lonely/misunderstood usually goes like this: “I’m just done trying so hard to get along with someone who won’t get along with me.” Then the relationship ends, and everyone acts shocked.

TOO MUCH DAMAGE DONE: I’M THE VICTIM HERE…THAT’S NOT FAIR

When you are talked over, talked down to, forced to explain yourself, ridiculed with guilt trips and riddled with shame games, your gas tank will be drained and your communicator car will stall or slide out of control, sending you over a cliff. There comes a point in which too much damage has been done to a relationship through poor or no new communication. At that point, the relationship cannot heal. Sadly, without the nurturing of communicating change, relationships (like children) fail to thrive and then disintegrate.

WHAT MAKES FOR CRAPPY COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIP CRASHES?

Here are 23 tidy ways to push a loving co-communicator off a cliff, and then feel like the “I’m the victim here…and that’s SO not fair:”

1. TWISTED MEMORY. Crappy communicators use selective memory and “remember” conversations inaccurately to purposely play to their prejudiced narrow viewpoint.

2. “I’M NOT SAYING YOU HAVE TO HONOR AND OBEY ME.” Crappy communicators coercively convince you that you artificially owe them respect and compliance as a way to honor their one-up role of mother or father, boss, husband or wife, extended family member, etc., — no matter what their behavior is like.

3. OBEY OR PAY. Crappy communicators make life Hell for anyone who doesn’t go along with their wishes to get along with them.

4. “IT’S YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY.” Crappy communicators are controlling personality types, and they fail to see that they invent relationship failures one after another.

5. BASHING. Crappy communicators use reverse psychology to bash and guilt bomb you non-stop about your unique strengths and key talents.

6. “YOU MUST ACCEPT ME AS I AM.” Crappy communicators make threats of rejection and emotional abandonment, such as: “You’ve got to take it or leave me because I’m just being genuine and objective with you!”

7. “YOU HURT ME!” Crappy communicators will sink so low as to cry alligator tears (when nothing else is working) to get their way and force you to go along at the expense of you and the relationship.

8. A CONTROL FREAK. Crappy communicators “push their point of view” by omitting or distorting key facts from the storyline that would make you and others see the truth of the whole picture.

9. “WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO CHANGE?” Crappy communicators pretend to change when the chips are down, but these “nice changes” are blips on the screen that disappear in no time at all.

10. “YOU’RE NOT BEING ANY HELP.” Crappy communicators will slap you in the face with how unhelpful you’re being after you’ve given them the time and energy of your life.

11. THREE-WAY POWER PLAYS. Crappy communicators will gossip about you to your kids, friends, church family, siblings, etc. They’ll preach the party line and use social pressure to bend you to their will.

12. FIX A DISCONNECT. Crappy communicators will push you over a cliff, then shout down at you: “Why don’t you want to be close?” “Why aren’t you trying harder to talk to me?”

13. LOOKING GOOD. Crappy communicators must “look good in the eyes of others” and will purposely spin stories and use white lies of omission in order to do so.

14. “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LET IT GO?” Crappy communicators cause the problem, then blame your reaction to the problem as the problem, and then tell you it’s all up to you to fix everything. Zap!

15. “BUT WHY DIDN’T YOU…?” Crappy communicators are Kings of the Guilt Trips and say, “Why don’t you want to talk about it?” “Why won’t you work on it?” “Why don’t you want to be part of the family?” “Why don’t you want to be close tonight with me?” “Why are you blaming me for something I told you I didn’t do?” “Why don’t you stop obsessing and get over it?” “Why are you acting so distant and non-communicative?” Duh!

16. “I DIDN’T MEAN TO.” When cornered, crappy communicators will admit to making an unintended teeny-tiny mistake that you shouldn’t be mad about. Did you just blow in from “Stupidtown?”

17. “I’M SORRY.” Crappy communicators erase treating you badly by apologizing but not changing their egregious words of poison.

18. “DON’T TALK BACK TO ME.” Crappy communicators will accuse you of being disrespectful when you speak back to lies with truth.

19. THE OUTSIDER SYNDROME. Crappy communicators make you feel like you don’t belong, you’re not good enough, invisible, not worthy, lucky to be tolerated, no one else would want you, you’re not special but shameful and flawed. Always implied is that YOU aren’t not doing a good enough job of getting along with them.

20. “ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS FIGHT.” Crappy communicators say they don’t want to fight with you but always do. When you take the gloves off and punch back, the bully hollers and yelps that you’re not playing fair by the rules.

21. STRATEGIC MELTDOWNS. Crappy communicators have psychodramatic emotional “meltdowns” to force you to back off from confronting them further about their mistakes, fears or shortcomings.

22. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT.” Crappy communicators will act upset when you hit them on the nose with the truth.

23. NARCISSISM. Crappy communicators must do anything to be the center of attention, including disrupting a perfectly good relationship.

YOU DON’T KNOW HER OR HIM VERY WELL

Disruptive communicators divisively dig a great big divide of miscommunication between people who do want to get along as independent beings. Thus, negative communicators have a knack of turning people against one another with a sly, “You don’t know him or her like I do.” The result is the lack of enjoying life, love and the pursuit of happiness….

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILERS AND RELATIONSHIP BLACKBALLERS

…All because we are afraid to tell the naked truth to emotional blackmailers and relationship blackballers who are crappy communicators who feed you a manure sandwich to chomp on.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady became so “fed up” with blaming and finger-pointing in family and couple relationship communication patterns, that he just had to do something constructive about it before he went nuts. So, O’Grady invented a new communication system that anyone (including children and teens) can use to talk positively in ways that promote a positive attitude, a buoyant mood, high energy, emotional closeness, co-independence, happiness, contentment and peace of mind. Now it’s up to you if you want some of these good tidings. Get what you’ve always wanted by learning the “Talk to Me” communication system instead of feeling like you’re “spinning your tires” and feeling “fed up.”

FLAP YOUR LIPS?

Has your happiness taken a hike? Do relationship resentments create a great divide between you and your talk partner? The emotional rule: As your frustration goes up, your happiness goes down like a lead Zeppelin crashing to the ground. When you feel pushed away or rejected in a relationship, you will feel mad. When you feel angry, you won’t feel happy. So what can you do about it?

TALKED OVER LEADS TO TICKED OFF

When you are talked over and not listened to, you will feel ticked off. And when you are too hard on yourself about any of the above, you will naturally feel depressed. It’s pretty hard to feel happy when your partner is stomping on your foot and saying: “I’m SO sorry…NOT.” When the same frustrating things keep happening over and over and over again, you might get hooked into putting your positive energy into a black hole.

PUT A NAIL UNDER YOUR TIRE TO CREATE A FLAT MOOD

To get your happy back…you’ve got to assertively confront anyone who is pushing you over the cliff of the talk canyon by “talking over” you. That is the same as having a nail or screw stuck in your tire, which creates a flat mood. Other ways poor communicators chase people off who want to love them:

1. Make life as hard as possible. Turn even the easiest task into a labor of frustration, and you’ll have people on their knees eating out of your hand begging you to quit.

2. Be a crappy communicator. Blame other people for what you’re going to continue to do, even if it doesn’t work, because no one can tell you what to do.

3. Don’t feel good enough in your own skin. Pretend to be consumed about what other people think and say, instead of feeling good about how you treat others who butter your bread.

4. Be a relationship hiccup. Don’t truly invest your time and energy into inventing a caring relationship that is genuine and emotionally rewarding…just say you are.

5. Flap your lips. Make others around you lack confidence by hypnotizing them to forget the fact that they are a privilege to be with, work alongside and know.

6. Be a control freak. Try to control everyone and everything under the sun as if you’re the One.

7. Drone on and on and on that “IT won’t work because…!” I hope you feel safe and protected surrounding yourself with “the wall of a pessimist.” Whoops…you won’t enjoy the good side of life, either.

8. Deploy passive-aggressive paybacks. When people don’t do what you say they should, drop guilt bombs on the rebels, to teach everyone the lesson that you rule all.

9. Sing a victim song. When you don’t get your way…cry and wail until sane people bail.

10. Live by the unholy rule, “What’s the problem with your idea is….!” Just hammer people with the negative idea that what they want won’t work out.

11. Keep people guessing. Make people wonder and guess when you will show up and whether or not you will keep your word this time out.

12. Drive people away by driving them nuts or up a wall. Drive people away by “talking over them” and then cry alligator tears when everyone who’s anyone takes their leave from you.

13. Fake it until you don’t make it. Be a pretender, seller of a story line and perception maker instead of people appreciator.

14. Be a people possessor. Think of people as play things and just toys. That ought to make loving people feel ashamed and no good so they will saddle right up to you.

15. Push people over a cliff, then mourn the loss pathetically. Perhaps you have better things to do with your life than push…push…PUSH people over the ledge and pretend they jumped.

Making yourself unhappy is most easily accomplished by squelching your true self when you are “talked over.”

GET YOUR HAPPY BACK

Get your happy back. Get “all gone” when people play with your happiness by talking over you to shut you up.

ABOUT YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE AND DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist, keynote speaker and originator of the “Talk to Me” communication system which is guaranteed “to get your happy back” when you care to use it to move on down the communication highway. When you drive your communicator car, you will be driving either a blue Empathizer car or a burnt orange Instigator car. Have you received your free communicator report? Although the rules of the road are the same for both types of communicator drivers, each type prefers their select talk lanes to travel in. Cross abruptly into the opposite talk lane, and you will hear honking horns and screeching tires, and see some non-verbal hand gestures that indicate driver Emotional I.Q.

Within each of us lives a fork-tongued, smooth-talking salesman. He lurks behind your every thought, just waiting to latch upon a loose mental thread of supposed weakened character, so he can unravel your self-esteem. What he is promising to sell you is a better character, something any self-respecting person can’t afford to live without (or so we are told). What he is really selling you is that you’re no good the way you are.

This honey-lipped inner-enemy feeds on fear, insecurity and false hope. It tells YOU to steer clear of trying new things because you will screw them up. It reminds you of your second-class status in life.

ARE YOU STUCK, GOING NOWHERE FULL TILT?

This authority-sounding demon-voice chokes your growth impulse by hypnotizing you into focusing only on your weaknesses. It fools you into forgetting about your strengths. This little voice is barely audible, but it drones on non-stop about one kind of dread or another. “Trust me,” this salesman coos beguilingly, “for I’m only trying to help you.” He helps you all right — to stay stuck, going nowhere full tilt most of your life.

SELF-CRITICISM IS THE #1 CHANGE RESISTANCE IN YOUR LIFE

Self-criticism is the real name of the salesman, the enemy who lives within each of us. Self-criticism unmotivates us by discouraging any new actions that may give a healthy refill to our low self-esteem. Plus, it keeps us doing the very same things we despise having done in the first place.

We mortals seem to think we have to take a hefty dose of criticism every day. Our reasoning runs like this: “How can I become better person with a stronger character if I don’t take a critical look at myself now and again?” But negative self-analysis most always backfires by focusing the limelight on what we don’t do well and pushing into the shadows what we are capable of doing better.

Intimidators are those who are “looking out for number one,” sly charismatic people who are the users in the world but feel guiltless. They alone are the weak people who could benefit from walloping self-criticism. Not you, and not me. But it never crosses guilt trippers minds that they might be in the wrong or that they have a character flaw that needs correcting. Instrusive users who should criticize themselves don’t, and those of us who should eat lightly gorge ourselves on the manure sandwich of rejection.

THE MANURE SANDWICH

Many of us are criticism-bingers. When we make a mistake or suffer a setback we put our self-esteem up against the wall, blindfold the spunky child-self who says we’re great and let the inner enemy take aim and fire away.

Sooner or later all good people get sick and fed up from stuffing themselves with all sorts of put-downs. When we are bloated and ready to burst at our seams, we dump the whole mess on some passerby, usually, someone we love. Verbal self-abusers turn the same criticisms used on their own psyche to other people.

Many people use self-criticism as a defensive shield against hearing others. They beat you to the knockout punch by quickly spilling out the guts of failures, in effect saying, “Heh, lay off buddy, I’ve already said “Gotcha’ to myself.” But trying to admit all our faults before someone else has a chance to point them out only keeps us distant in relationships and traps us with no way out.

NEGATALKERS

What are some of the common messages that keep us indecisive and unmotivated?

• “You shouldn’t FEEL that way!” Nothing makes us lose contact with life’s excitement faster than being told our feelings are wrong. Feelings are invisible emotions that ebb and flow and need to be accepted. Give yourself a little empathy and understanding, and ask for the same from others.

• “You’re not GOOD enough!” Maybe you could have done more or done it better, but you did what you could at the time. Nothing is wrong with a healthy self-reminder that you may not be spending your time or talents most productively and that some corrections are in order. But poking viciously at yourself rarely helps if it makes you so tired that you lay down and quit. What he is really selling us it that we’re no good the way we are.

Self-criticism unmotivates you by discouraging any new actions that may give a healthy refill to your low self-esteem. Plus, it keeps you doing the very same things you despise having done in the first place. Is there no expiration date on inner criticism or victim talk? Yes, you’re up for making change happen fast and last.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker, clinical psychologist and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.”