NEGATALKERS – Page 9 – Dr. Dennis O'Grady | TALK2ME© Communication System

I’m Treated Unfairly

November 9, 2006

by Dr. Dennis O'Grady with 10 Comments NEGATALKERS

If you make others feel sorry for you, you’re probably not going to read this. It’s not about why everybody in life is treating you so badly and why you deserve lots of compensatory damages to make you feel better. You are already the first chair violin master in your very own “Poor Me Symphony.” On the other hand, IF you refuse to play “the victim violin” because you don’t want people to feel sorry for you, even when you have boatloads of reasons to feel that way, then what I have to say will lighten up a resentment load you might be carrying today.

THE VICTIM VIOLIN

I am betting that you know someone who plays “the victim violin” or the “victim fiddle,” someone who makes others dance to their tune. You know the feeling of being with that person…you have flashbacks…you feel the “poor me complainer” plopping their depression on your doorstep for YOU to solve. And you know what it feels like to dance on eggshells…walk on broken glass…duck when you hear the latest “If you just do what I told you to do, THEN I would be happy…but since you fail to comply to my wishes I have to pay you back in punishing ways to get your attention.” Whew! Victims who are into psychodrama and melodrama have a breathless way to make you their victim, and they do so in persecutory ways that are passive-aggressive or get-even schemes that involve flying underneath the social radar.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE DARK TUNNEL IS A TRAIN COMING TO RUN YOU DOWN?

Many nice people are martyrs who have been taught by organized religions that suffering is noble. In their way of thinking, to be a good martyr on the road to sainthood is to suffer nobly. I would say “suffer gladly,” but victims will hear none of it. Bottom line: Victims erroneously believe that there’s nothing they can do to better their lives…including carrying the flashlight of a positive attitude during dark or stormy passages on the hero’s journey. Just don’t lie about it: If you don’t want to be happy, then don’t act like something will make you happy when in reality you won’t allow anything to. When you feel “hooked and sorry” for victims (and that includes you)…a victim will run right over you and moan about how bad you messed up their train wheels with your entrails.

IS YOUR LIFE AWFUL OR AWE-FILLED?

Anyone worth knowing feels dispirited and depressed now and then. We just don’t make a lifestyle out of it! Here’s how victims can push your buttons and make you feel you owe them your time, attention, money, servant indenture:

1. VICTIMS are experts at making you feel responsible for solving problems they aren’t able to solve.

Trickster: A victim won’t solve problems to feel happy because that removes the victim label from their collar.

2. VICTIMS make you feel like you don’t matter…that whatever you do isn’t quite good enough.

Trickster: A victim has many people working for him or her…upbeat communicators trying hard and humping to please the old grumpy unhappy one.

3. VICTIMS make you feel like you are the cause of their unhappiness.

Trickster: Never forget that a victim’s attitude and personal choices are the cause of their unhappiness…not YOU.

4. VICTIMS are complainers and whiners who salute “Misery loves company…and I’m some of the best company around!”

Trickster: A victim smiles sweetly to your face, but then stabs you or your company in the back while saying, “BUT I didn’t want to do it…I didn’t mean to do it…they didn’t leave me any other choice…SO it’s their fault for the trouble I’ve seen.”

5. VICTIMS push the pedagogy that you must show how much you care by excessively worrying about how well they’re faring and doing in life.

Trickster: A victim rarely thinks they are cared for enough…and they always feel begrudgingly owed for the lack and loss of positive appreciations and “good luck.”

6. VICTIMS convince you through “hammering away at you” that you have serious character flaws and personal faults.

Trickster: What a victim badgers you about, like money or dishonesty, is truer of the victim than of you.

7. VICTIMS are emotional blackmailers who convince you that when you feel good you are making the victim feel bad or even much worse.

Trickster: Well, if you do hold all of the emotional cards…I’m sure you would wave your wand over them to make the victim feel happy for a change, wouldn’t you?!

8. VICTIMS pout and use clout if you feel healthy anger toward them for any reason under the sun.

Trickster: Why shouldn’t you feel mad at a victim who blames you for their loss of vibrancy, achievement, passion, optimism, extra money, life and sex drive?

9. VICTIMS will hand you a manure sandwich and tell you it’s a bologna sandwich, which is pure baloney.

Trickster: When you get sick from eating the manure sandwich the “supposed victim” hands you…the victim will be mad that you are upchucking when you ought to be ever-available to meet his or her needs NOW.

10. VICTIMS make you feel like you have to have their permission to do what you need for feeling good.

Trickster: A victim will make you first feel responsible for their life and emotional welfare…yet you only have one life to live and you’ve got your hands full as it is!

11. VICTIMS will sweet talk you with crocodile tears to force you to expend all of your resources on them.

Trickster: You can spend all your energy, time, effort, emotion, money, savings, retirement earnings, secret slush fund, Aunt Harriet’s inheritance and STILL the victim will prevail with a “What about ME?!”

12. VICTIMS will make you take sides with the supposed “persecutors” who are making them feel bad.

Trickster: Think about it: The “bad boss” or “bad spouse” or “bad brother/sister” or “bad mother/father” etc. are used as foils in the psychodrama…and probably feel the same way about you. Namely, that you are the victim’s true persecutor! Anyone up for an extended family or team-at-work fight?

13. VICTIMS will blow up or shout or nag and pout when you don’t bow to their gospel of, “Why does this always have to happen to me?!”

Trickster: That’s the point…the victim doesn’t have to push others away with their depressing attitude that is as closed tight as a mason jar.

THE OLD DUCK-AND-WEAVE…EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS AS VICTIMS?

People who are victims, which are all of us when we wish to be, can either be Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators or Instigator-type (I-type) communicators. E-types can break your heart and make you feel heavy with grief. In contrast, I-types can make your head spin until you feel like you are going crazy with worry. Either way, being a victim is a role that is played out…often for a lifetime of creating exactly what a “depressed person” says they don’t want. Being married to someone who’s chronically, constantly low-level depressed…is akin to dancing on eggshells. The old duck-and-weave….where’s the next complaint, big issue, whine, bitch, onslaught, unhappiness, paybacks are hell, problem that won’t go away, back-stabbing, gossip, war of words, unfair accusations, guilt bombs going to come from? Whew…aren’t you GLAD you are done with that part of your life?

IS YOUR MOOD A VICTIM OF THE VICTIM’S DEDICATION TO BEING UNHAPPY NO MATTER THE BLESSINGS OF THEIR LIFE?

Sensitive Empathizer communicators pick up the bad mood of others like head lice. You become the victim…when your mood BECOMES a victim of the negatalking victimizer. Refuse to allow your mind to swirl and twirl in confusion when from experience you’ve learned over-and-over again that NOTHING works to make the victim happy. The victim doesn’t want to be happy! If the victim gets happy…all the sympathy and special favors GET GONE.

LET’S TALK: DO WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and professional coach psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, who is the author of the newly released communication system called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” Dennis all-too-well knows that you may feel like you’re in a hole but you can climb out. You may see yourself being lost in an emotional swamp filled up with ugly alligators but you can find your way out. And that you may feel like you’re going to go crazy but you will find solutions to the insurmountable problems you face…if you strive to “be a victor instead of victim of your life.” Mission Possible: Make your mood matter to you today…that’s all you have some control over. So let’s talk…when you do what’s good for you … you will be happy and good company to be around!

I Don’t Get Mad…I Just Get Even

October 27, 2006

by Dr. Dennis O'Grady with 8 Comments NEGATALKERS

I had the appalling experience of being part of a radio show some years back with another author who promoted something like “100 Ways to Get Revenge without Getting Caught.” At first, I thought this was a joke, but no. The talk show participant told the host and me that his favorite get-even schemes were putting nails under car tires, sending pornography to a family home in the name of the hated person, keying the car of the wrongdoer—even messing with the credit card rating of the “bad one.” Sick…sick…sick stuff and he was gladly touting his book of revenge wares. Did I tell him he was crazy as a loon as I felt like doing? No way! My shiny ocean blue car was parked outside in the lot…and I sure didn’t want it to get nailed or keyed.

REVENGE IS MINE…SAYETH ME

Naturally, as the program went on I became more and more flabbergasted and frustrated because the message in my anger management audio program “No Hard Feelings” was: “What goes around comes around, so you had better be careful of the sharp revenge boomerangs you send flying.” Now he jumped on my bandwagon but for all the wrong reasons. “Dr. O’Grady, you’re right…that’s my message. If someone does you wrong…if you turn the other cheek you show you’re weak and God isn’t going to make them pay…that’s up to you and me. Do you get what I’m talking about?” No, man, I don’t get you…you’re the guy who gets others back in the back.

DON’T GET MAD, JUST GET EVEN?

This sick-and-twisted radio talk show guest screwed his point home like a drill Sergeant: “You don’t even a score, you better a score. If someone messes with you, you have the moral obligation to rectify the situation and teach him a lesson. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t get mad—I just get even! If more people took a pound of flesh for a wrong deed done unto them…the world would be a much better place and people won’t mess with you.” What a hamhead! The host of the show played along rolling his eyes at me and gazed protectively out the window at his new sunrise orange car parked in the lot.

FORGIVENESS AND YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE

Back in 2000, I didn’t know about communicator types like I do now. Maybe I was just too worried about the Great World Computer Collapse that actually never happened, did it? Now I know that this hate-full man was a fast-talking Instigator-type (I-type) communicator. Sure, I-types keep score and like to win, but he might have just been making this all up to sell books and get on shows! On the other hand, Empathizer-type (E-types) communicators don’t hold grudges long enough when they should. E-types don’t really feel easy about getting mad easily. In fact, have you heard an E-type sheepishly say: “Are you mad at me?” And like Avis, E’s try harder-and-harder to get along with Wackos and Egos and Sickos … who sell the slime of sick anger…as their inner light burns dimmer and dimmer.

I’LL HIT YOU WITH A TWO-BY-FOUR RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES

I-types are far more comfortable being disliked because they consider others disapproval a part of doing business. Empathizers are too quick to forgive and forget wrongs done unto them to a fault. And E-types say “I’m sorry” way too much. That’s why I tease E-types that they’re too nice for their own good. I cajole my dear E-types that sometimes the genuine row to hoe is to be a mean, nasty, uncaring, crude and rude in the face of stupid hate and unreasonable demands. In fact, E-types feel guilty if they were to shout: “No, you SOB get off my foot now before I hit you with a two-by-four right between the eyes.”

TO FORGIVE OR NOT TO FORGIVE…THAT IS THE QUESTION

Is there a time NOT to forgive? You bet. Is there a time NOT to teach somebody a lesson…someone who has it coming to them in pitchforks? You can bet your halo on it. Barbed words make every human being bleed BUT…

1. Forgiving doesn’t help if it sets you up to be duped, used or tricked again

2. Forgiving helps if your mind is wrapped around the hurter’s car axle and you need to let go

3. Forgiving doesn’t help if hate is the loving emotion to feel

4. Forgiving helps when you don’t want someone else to lead you around with a ring through your nose

5. Forgiving doesn’t help if you need to get mad enough to be the leader of your own life

6. Forgiving helps if you want to truly let go of past hurts that haunt your present day

7. Forgiving doesn’t help when you let go of past hurts only to pick up new baggage when you hurt yourself all over again

8. Forgiving helps if you let go and let God pull off the grace work

9. Forgiving doesn’t help if you’re just trying a slick new way to keep being a control freak

10. Forgiving helps if you’ve judged another person as “misinformed…bad…immoral…permanently damaged goods…unsalvageable…inhuman”

IT’S HARD NOT TO LET HATE GET YOU DOWN

There’s so much hate going around…it’s hard not to let it get you down. When you don’t forgive, you don’t have to be nice to your tormentor or act positive when you feel negative. BUT why not sing your life tune in the face of senseless hate and revenge wars that wear everyone out? Forgiveness won’t help if you don’t paint a person red with haughty way-up-high condemnation. Try as you might, you can’t successfully burn the infidels and witches of the deepest fears and embarrassments of being human beings at the stake.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady agrees with the rock song, “Turn, Turn, Turn” because there is, indeed, a time and a purpose for everything, and that includes a time for-giving and a time to be for-receiving. He’s the founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”

You, Too, Can Drive Anyone Crazy

September 13, 2006

by Dr. Dennis O'Grady with 3 Comments NEGATALKERS

You, too, can drive anyone crazy. All you have to do is use slippery speak and make all kinds of logical sounding “poor me” slick excuses why others won’t allow you to be the leader of your own life. Who said blaming others for the mess you put yourself in is hard work? The ulterior purpose of crafty “psychoexcuses” is to distract the focus away from a continuing failure to deliver on promised actions or results.

SLIPPERY SPEAK: THAT MAY BE WHAT YOU HEARD, BUT…

“That may be what you heard, I can’t argue with that, but that’s not what I said!” is slippery speak. “BUT I didn’t mean to…!” is another way to turn off a team or family member fast. Chilly, too, is “NOW that’s how it’s always been done around here!” Or, “There you go again pointing the finger of blame at my team!” And what about, “I don’t do IT all the time!”

ME-TYPE TALK

Take a listen and you will hear more “ME”-TYPE TALK excuses below. Have some fun relief…and listen for any of these excuses you hear yourself or others use today in the workplace or home space. Just add these to the “99 Ways to Turn People off Cold (Without Really Trying)” you got a chuckle from previously.

I meant to BUT I didn’t get around to it BECAUSE…

I know I avoid situations that make me uncomfortable.

I didn’t do it deliberately!

People act busier than they are!

Truthfully, I want to spend more time with you BUT…

Please don’t take this personally, BUT…

Can I tell you something without you getting mad?

I don’t think about bad things I can’t do anything about.

Why should I always be the one to check in and ask you how you feel?

Hey, when I’m not working, I want to chill out.

It was the right thing to do at the time.

You’re taking what I’m saying out of context.

I can only do so much!

I fell behind…so what do you want me to do or say?

I have no answer for that!

I’m doing everything in my power to fix IT!

You can try YOUR hand at IT if YOU want to!

I try to just put the past behind me and forget about it.

All of this takes time, you know!

I’m asking you a direct question and I expect a direct answer.

Why are you treating me this way? I wouldn’t do that to you!

Some things just don’t fall into place easily like you plan them to.

How many times do I have to tell you that I didn’t do it on purpose?!

Things are going to be O.K. from here on out if you stop getting all bent out of shape!

Your being WAY too sensitive about this.

Why can’t you believe me? It’s ALL going to be just fine!

It’ll get better…you’ll see…you’ve got my word on it!

Here’s the point…

I don’t do it on purpose to hurt you…you’ve got to get over IT!

This was a money factor that was out of my control.

I don’t want to talk about this any more!

I know this has to be hard for you to take SO…

I try to put it behind me as fast as I can…why can’t you do the same?

Why be SO negative all the time?

I just want to get past this phase and forget about it.

All of this takes time/money/commitment/focus/sweat from me and I’m squeezed!

You really upset and hurt me when you said…

Why do you leave me out?

Doesn’t my opinion matter to you?

You’re still not where I want you to be.

Can you hold off a little longer on those demands?

I’m trying my best not to be mean or nasty.

Sometimes, I end up shooting off my mouth before I think through what I should say!

I told you that I’m working on it!

What was I supposed to do under the circumstances?

You think WAY too much!

It’s not THAT deep…your taking this way too seriously!

What about…What IF you tried…

I just want the stress to go away.

I just want to set the record straight!

Are you sure you’ve thought this through?

You’re not the person I thought you were.

You disappoint me!

I’ve got to vent my feelings…My feelings are my feelings!

SO what’s the plan? Who’s responsible? Who’s in charge?

There’s no discussing it with you when you’re mind is made up.

What do you want me to say about that that would satisfy you?

You’ve got to work with me here, and give a little bit back to me.

You’ve got to understand where I’m coming from as well!

You should think more with your head, and less from your heart!

I feel somewhat selfish…but who isn’t?!

You need to quit avoiding the topic and take responsibility for your life.

I just don’t like talking about serious stuff!

I don’t want to hurt their feelings by being too blunt!

I don’t like dealing with moody people and messy emotions.

I suck it up and forget about it.

Where are we goin’ from here? Where are we headed? Who’s got the map?

I don’t mean to tell you what to do BUT IF I were you…

You over-analyze everything and can be your own worst enemy, sometimes!

You and I only like the ‘feel good’ emotions, right?!

What can I do about it? How should I know what to say or do?

I’ve got to be honest with you here: Uncomfortable emotions, well, make me uncomfortable.

Did I say that? Or is that what YOU heard me say?!

That may be what you heard, I can’t argue with that, but that’s not what I said.

IF I don’t do IT…then who’s going to do it, eh?!

Why do I always get shoved into the position of being in control of everything?

Do you know what I’m saying here? Don’t you get it?

What was I supposed to do? Pretend like IT didn’t happen?!

I always try to do what’s right, and let my conscious be my guide.

Does that make any sense to you?

Why do you have to re-visit everything, again and again?!

There’s certain things that have to be done, and I don’t see you volunteering!

EMPATHIZER APPLES VS. INSTIGATOR ORANGES

As I previously said, there are many interesting differences that exist between the Empathizer “apples” and the Instigator “oranges.” Neither fruit group is better than the other, and both have their place, strengths and pits.

Any way you slice that apple and orange, you can’t compare apples and oranges. When you begin to “see and understand” that both fruits operate in the world according to a “life view” which is alterable…then you are free to travel to new places in all of your interpersonal and inner-personal relations.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. Let’s take “playing by the rules” as a fun example. Empathizers or E-types expect others to make the rules, while Instigators or I-types expect others to play by the rules they make. Likewise, take “grudge matches or grudge keeping.” E-types daily wipe their slate clean which can create co-dependency, while I-types keep accounting records of rights vs. wrongs that can lead into a co-dependency. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

99 Ways To Turn People Off Cold (Without Really Trying)

September 12, 2006

by Dr. Dennis O'Grady with 3 Comments NEGATALKERS

There are easily 99 talk transgressions that wearily turn you and your fellow talk traveler cold on the lonely road of mixed-up communication. You think I’m exaggerating? Well, what is your plan to talk effectively with people who are “different” from you? Moreover, do you comprehend the crucial differences between the Empathizer-type communicator “apples” and the Instigator-type “oranges” in the orchard of business communications? (Neither fruit group is better than the other since both have their place, strengths and pits.)

I DIDN’T MEAN TO…I DIDN’T DO IT ON PURPOSE…I WAS JUST JOKING…YOU TAKE THINGS TOO SERIOUSLY…IT’S NOT MY FAULT

Have some fun…and boom out the “99 Ways To Turn off a Team or Family Member Cold and Make a Talker into a Distruster without Really Trying Very Hard To.” HINT: The purpose of many of these crafty “psychoexcuses” is to distract the focus on accountability away from the person, leader manager or team member who has failed to deliver on promised actions or results.

I didn’t mean to!

I didn’t do IT on purpose!

SO what did you say the plan was?

We’ve got to stop focusing on the past and move forward from here.

I just want to do the right thing!

I’m not trying to act like a control freak here!

And one more thing…

There you go again!

Who’s going to be responsible for ironing out these wrinkles?

Who’s to say when somebody should change?

It’s the way it’s always been.

Don’t blame me, my attention span is shot.

It’s not my fault!

I know I can be a royally difficult person, sometimes.

Think positive…I think things will be O.K.

Most of your problems are in your head!

Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it!

You don’t have to read my mind because I speak my mind!

If you don’t focus on the negative…bad stuff won’t happen.

Why do you always have to be SO negative?

When I don’t physically feel good…I can get pretty grumpy.

I’m not wishy-washy because I have strong opinions about everything!

Do ya’ know what I’m talking about?

Don’t you agree with me on this one?

I’ve got to be honest with you here…

If you don’t speak up, I can’t hear your feedback!

You’ve gotta’ know where I am at with that!

I don’t back down when I’m right…I press my point.

I don’t see that…I don’t see it that way.

If you don’t keep moving, you get bored.

This will tell you how I feel about IT!

This is about them (you)…not me!

You’ve got to be more direct with me.

Am I supposed to be a mind reader?

That’s not what I meant…you’re twisting my words.

I always try to make the right decision but I’m not perfect.

I’m not afraid…I choose to take action and think positively.

Perhaps I’m not there, yet, but I’m doing my best.

I didn’t do IT intentionally.

I didn’t do it intentionally to spite you.

IT wasn’t my intention to hurt or disrespect you.

I’m sorry you’re upset.

I’m sorry this upsets you SO much!

I think it’s fair.

I’ve done everything I could do.

You blaming me BUT it’s not my fault.

Who could I have seen IT coming?

Who could have guessed THAT would happen?

I didn’t exactly promise that I would do it.

IT’s not going to happen…why don’t you trust me?

Why does everything have to be on your timetable?

You’re taking this all wrong…don’t guilt trip me.

You’ve got IT all wrong.

Don’t take this wrong BUT…

It’s not how it sounds…it’s not as bad as it sounds!

I feel good where I’m at in this project!

I feel good about where this is going!

Nothing’s perfect…so why do you expect me to be?

I know I can come off pretty strong, sometimes!

I’ve always been a pretty strong-willed person…I have a strong personality type!

That’s not exactly what I said…you misheard me.

I don’t see it…I don’t see that…I don’t see a problem here!

I think things are looking pretty good.

I can’t complain.

I can’t complain…no one would listen, anyway.

I can tell IT will work out…I feel good about it.

I’m lucky to have SUCH a good life…and I’m even more excited about the future.

Why worry about it? You can’t control everything.

There’s nothing you can do about IT…so why worry?

Emotions can run away with you, sometimes, if you allow them too.

I can be pretty high strung sometimes…I need to take a “chill pill.”

Talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words.

Things are pretty black-and-white here.

It’s not like I tried to make this happen or did it on purpose.

I agree this is a mess…SO now what are WE going to do about it?

You’ve got to be more reasonable and logical about this problem.

This is beginning to tick me off!

I know BUT…

Of course I like to win, who doesn’t?

You’ve got to pick your battles…is this one worth fighting for?

I don’t do IT ALL the time!

When was the last time I did that?!

What can I say, I’m a screw-up.

Hey, THEY do IT more than I do.

I should learn to take my own good advice.

I’m simply not going to put up with it!

You don’t understand what I’m trying to say.

SO what’s your point?

It’s never been easy for me to relax and do nothing.

IT doesn’t exist if you don’t talk about it forever and a day.

Who doesn’t like to be in the right?

People have to be held responsible and accountable, you know.

I’m a pretty decent debater…I can hold my own.

I don’t know exactly what you mean…what you’re trying to get at here.

Do we have to talk about everything under the sun?

We can’t talk about IT…so let’s agree to disagree.

How am I supposed to answer that?

What good does IT do to listen to others’ long list of problems?

Out of respect, I give people plenty of space when they have emotional problems.

TALK LIKE AN INSTIGATOR?

So now you know how to talk like an Instigator communicator who is evasive and evading taking responsibility for their negative words or actions! Sometime soon, I am going to teach you how to talk, and what to tune in to, when you talk to an Empathizer communicator. In doing so, oh…the communication places you will go.

You deserve to delight in the power of positive communication to leave your woes, worries and discouragements behind in the rearview mirror of your life. Sure, you may make a pit stop every now and then BUT you won’t run out of gas!

Why You Too Can Sell Snow To An Eskimo

August 31, 2006

by Dr. Dennis O'Grady with 4 Comments NEGATALKERS

When you’re talking to someone who’s gifted at the art of talking, have you ever had the sinking feeling that you are losing the point and the talk game because of offensive “head-spinning” moves? You’re not alone. Slippery speakers are propaganda experts and terror-ific debaters who can win a point at the expense of a relationship…and leave your very sensible “just say yes or no” questions hanging in mid-air…along with your open, gaping mouth.

FOGGING UP THE WINDSHIELD OF GOOD TALK

These are verbal transactions that “fog up the windshield of good talk.” They make your head spin and forget where you were in an important conversation. And I call this behavior the offensively defensive NegaTalker “head spinning” of an effective but unproductive communicator.

HEAD SPINNING…YOU, TOO, CAN SELL SNOW TO ESKIMOS

“Head spinning” is the feeling that you get when your main points or logical questions, the ones that deserve forthright answers, are skirted in a conversation. “Head spinning” makes you feel like just giving up on talking because you’ve got to try too hard to get behind in the communications race.

Here are sample “HEAD SPINNING” transactions that I heard today in my couple communications coaching meetings.

It’s just the way it is.

I’m not sure I’m any different from anyone else in the world!

Oh, really…I say that ALL the time?

A lot of people I know do IT a whole lot more than I do!

So you think that’s what I mean by that?

We don’t agree…that’s O.K.

I’m just an average guy or gal.

You’re making way too much out of this. It’s no big deal!

Hey, we all made that decision.

But if you would take time to compare me…IT would be obvious THAT…!

I’m just trying to understand right now, that’s all.

I don’t act like THEM.

There you go again!

You don’t know what you’re talking about!

Want me to say something here? I’m afraid to.

It’ll sound like I’m arguing or being combative BUT is that my fault?

I’m not perfect…I never will be perfect!

I’m TRYING to do better…you’ve got to agree with me that I’m improving.

Isn’t it ANY better, in your opinion?

BUT what I’m saying is you’re better at IT than me, don’t you agree?

I agree with you.

I’m not trying to slam your confidence or destroy your self-esteem.

What do I think about WHAT? What now?!

That makes me feel terrible and guilty…I’m not looking to blame anyone.

Even though my actions say I don’t want you…I DO want you!

You’re saying I don’t have a right to be mad?

The truth is…

I want you to tell me what you don’t like or what makes you feel dissatisfied.

You try to be nice BUT you’re constantly telling me what I do wrong.

IT goes back to what I was saying before…

When I ask you to do something simple…instantly you get an attitude!

Why do you always have to be so moody and down?

I didn’t mean to leave IT all on your shoulders!

I didn’t mean to…

I didn’t mean to make you upset.

I didn’t mean anything by IT.

I wasn’t telling you what to do or dictating.

What exactly are you referring to now?

You’ve got to give me an example.

Why can’t you just get past the past?

I’m always doing something wrong, according to you.

Here you go again!

There you go again complaining about the same thing.

When you say “everything”…you can’t expect me to get “everything” done!

Is THAT all wrong? You make it sound all wrong!

That’s WHY I just shut up and don’t talk.

You make it sound like I’m trying to argue with you.

I don’t do IT THAT often!

No, I don’t…that’s not what I do…that’s not true…that’s not how I feel!

You know exactly what I mean…don’t play stupid.

I don’t feel that way for the 100th time!

What was I supposed to do?

I’m confused now.

Do you really feel that way about it…or are you just trying to make me feel bad.

97% of the time I did it fine…you’re just focusing on the negative.

O.K. Whatever you say!

I’m not trying to do that!

IT would be nice IF you respected me.

I’m tryin’ to do that…why do you ride me and rip into my hide?

You don’t make me feel very good about any of this!

You’re telling me how IT is.

I don’t do IT all the time.

I don’t know anybody who’s like you think they ought to be.

That’s all I want, for your sake.

That’s the way IT is…what can I say?

Nobody can be that perfect!

IF I change IT won’t change a thing!

You act like I don’t care!

Things are going to be different from here on out.

I don’t want to lock horns with you!

You make me sound like everybody else…a loser.

IT sounds like I need to agree with you or I won’t hear the end of this.

I’m not doing anything to you.

I don’t have the power to make you feel bad…that’s your responsibility.

I can’t make you feel better…you like to feel bad and be unhappy.

We’ve gone over this all before!

No I don’t have to do things your way…you’re not my mother or father.

Look, I’m better today than I was a year ago? Isn’t that true?

Wait a minute…it sounds like I should shut up and do whatever you want.

Are we done with this talk, yet?

What’s so wrong about that…may I ask?

HEAD SPINNING SPITBACKS

Remember, these are “spitbacks” or “twisted thinking” that confuse clear talking and narrow change-mindedness. “Head spinning” essentially tells you to bug off in a nice way after you’ve gone “splat” like a flattened insect on the windshield of the aggressive talk driver.

TERROR-IFIC: YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT BEING RIGHT

The biggest wrong I can think of is never being wrong. If you aren’t wrong, you can’t identify a problem, and then you can’t affect the solution. Always being right is the biggest wrong that you can perpetuate in any relationship.

THE BIGGEST WRONG I CAN THINK OF IS NEVER BEING WRONG

Well, you get the idea since you’ve zipped down the previous list. Not much effective talking is going to get done. Most of the transactions imply that the co-communicator is in the wrong, unreasonable, illogical, fanatical, nit-picking and controlling. Did s/he have their important “yes or no” questions answered in a responsible way? No, probably not.

Listen for “head spinning” terror-ific communication blockades the next time you are traveling all night long on the talk highway…and feeling lost.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me,” a communication handbook that will teach you how to assertively communicate with defensive communicators who aren’t answering your direct questions that clarify issues and require change. Dennis provides assertive coaching, relationship improvement counseling and professional leadership development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. In this inspiring new relationship enhancement, executive coaching and leadership training communication program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators that support you in becoming the leader of your life.