Posts in category: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Mom practiced saying her final good-byes while in hospice care. I will recall her courageous words fondly the rest of my life. “We are the Three Musketeers, and we will always be ‘one for all and all for one.'” Then Mom corrected herself and added our departed dad back into the mix to make it “The Four Musketeers.” Then Mom, being the “leader” subtype Instigator extrovert, she further directed: “Here, let’s put our hands together on my chest, Al and Denn, and let’s together promise it for all time.” And so we did, as tears streamed down our brave mouths melting our adult faces and reality alongwith it.

TWO RIGHTS DON’T MAKE A WRONG

Mom would be the first to say she wasn’t perfect. But Mom’s optimism, faith and unconditional love and acceptance repaired my soul and my brother Al’s spirit during a harrowing two weeks of final goodbye-saying. Mom knew Al and I were falling apart here! She would say, “I feel really at peace, and in no pain at all, really.” But Mom had a hole in her back the size of a fist. Mom also knew my Achilles Heel: that my spirit wears thin from self-projected prejudice, ignorance, lack of awareness, and lame blame games. I don’t go for, “But I didn’t mean to do it. Wouldn’t you have done the same thing in my shoes? I had to take a stand and right that wrong, ya know.” Mom always said “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

EMOTIONAL RESPONSE-ABILITY

Strip me naked, and I have a very clear set of instructions about emotional responsibility learned in my “talking with and watching” Mom. Here’s what Mom taught me to live by:

• Fly through foul weather like a duck.
• Sticks and stones can break bones, and words forever hurt.
• It doesn’t hurt to grease the skids with politeness.
• You can’t be false to others and true to yourself at the same time.
• Being decent and kind isn’t for the faint-hearted.
• Getting the last laugh isn’t ever very funny.
• Hypocrites smile in church on Sunday, and talk behind backs on Monday.
• Revenge is sweet and fattening.
• Hate is the little dictator you don’t want to salute.
• If you don’t live your own life, someone else will.
• Worrying is a waste of time, but that won’t stop you.
• Walk your talk or shut up.
• Being “right” is almost always wrong.
  
• Two wrongs don’t make anything right.
• Hate is the drug of the small mind.
• If you can’t get along, perhaps you should stop trying.
• What goes around comes around, including positive paybacks.
• A kind word never hurt anyone.
• No one can keep you down for long without your consent.
• True courage is being you in a roomful of fakes.
• The grass is always greenest where you take care of it.
• Look for the good in people, and you will find it every single time.

LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN PEOPLE, AND YOU WILL FIND IT EVERY SINGLE TIME

My second work, “No Hard Feelings,” helps one learn how to heal relationship resentments. It is the core of life lessons by which Mom taught me to live. “Lessons of Love” I would call them now.

LESSONS OF LOVE

In one of our sweet remembrances and sad goodbyes, Mom quipped: “Well, I think we’ve said all we need to say, haven’t we? So let’s just say Good-bye, Good Luck, and Good Lovin’!” She laughed at her last word twist on the WWII broadcast theme of Edward R. Murrow. I’m beginning to understand now what a loving soul you’ve always been, Mom. You are way ahead of the “I’m right and you’re wrong” excuses! You’ve quietly stood for responsive love in a mixed-up world that often reacts solely from personal pain and interpersonal psychodrama.

Godspeed to you, my beloved adult friend and mother. Good-bye, good luck, and good lovin’!

YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Talk to Me is dedicated to Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dennis is a loving son, brother, and father to three daughters, all of whom now believe Mom’s teaching that “Death is Gentle.” Dr. O’Grady can be reached at www.drogrady.com.

My mother, Betty Merrill O’Grady, passed away gracefully on April 15^th. My latest book, “Talk to Me,” is dedicated to Mom and the values for which she stood. Mom passed away peacefully, with few or no regrets, as I sat stroking her beautiful face and chatting with her about all the places she would go and see. She had spent the last two weeks of her life filling the ears of all who came near her with tidings of unconditional love and thankfulness.

As you know, people who are dying pass on their cherished possessions and life lessons to their loved ones. Mom made certain to gift me with a brightly painted hand-carved mallard duck. I remember that duck always sitting calmly on my childhood fireplace. Nestled in its back were long stick matches to start a fire, from the logs I would carry in from the woodpile in the dead of a Michigan winter. Why did Mom want me to have that stupid duck? Now I must confess, I would often unmercifully tease Mom about a great many things. Maybe this was her way to exact motherly revenge!

Anyway, some days after Mom passed away, and my older brother and I tied up loose ends, Al dropped me off at the Sarasota airport. So there I was, passing through the security zone, carrying that wooden duck the size of a Fenton football under my arm. I couldn’t just jam it into my suitcase! And under my other arm was a Cinderella rubber ball that my frail 86-year-old Mom would bat back-and-forth with my youngest daughter, Kasey, then 10. I must have been quite a sight to security personnel with my swollen eyes, big odd-fitting grin, loose grief lips, melting face and stupid wooden duck in tow! Oh well, after I turned 50 I decided I could drop off all the Joe Cool stuff.

There I stood ready to be searched. Rolling around in my brain like a BB in a gun barrel was “Why the duck Mom?” “O.K., Mom, why give me the flippin’ duck?” As a psychologist, I was flummoxed by the sage question “What symbol does the duck carry with it?” And “What implied message is Mom trying to send me and asking for me to hear and pass along?” Hey, you can’t ever escape from being a psychologist, you know!

The light soon would be turned on. The gentle-faced security screener joked, “I’ve never seen a wooden mallard duck carried though security before. Is it special?” Then I unashamedly blurted out the whole story of my mom’s passing (how I hadn’t been away from my kids this long before, and my clients were all really understanding of my need to rearrange appointments, AND…) to this kind, silver-haired fellow.

He shot back, “Gosh, I know what the message might be from your mom.”

I played along, “You do? What do you suppose Mom’s trying to tell me?”

“Be like the duck and fly through foul weather!” he said warmly with a wry twinkle in his lively eyes.

What a wonderful message: “Be like a duck and fly through foul weather.” When you are in a swamp of grief … be like a duck. When your tears are falling like a rainstorm … be like a duck. When you feel lost and lonely … be like the duck. When the winds of change are blowing hurricane force–Fly on.

It’s been 24 days since Mom “changed neighborhoods.” Early this morning when I got out of my car in my office parking lot, a bright mallard duck was streaking through the purplish-pinkish sky adorned with a May half-moon as a soothing backdrop for my troubled brain.

“Hey, Mom! You’re such a sweetie!!”  I heartily laughed.  “I’m trying to shape up and fly right like a duck!”

Then I cried.

I guess even ducks cry sometimes.

ABOUT THE PIONEER WORK OF TALK TO ME

To all of us mourning our losses and moving on: “Be like the duck and fly through fowl weather!” I always loved playing word games with my mom. Happy Mother’s Day Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. I know you’re enjoying your flights and sights. Of all the people I know, I’m sure you’re surrounded by 100,000 angels who sometimes take on the appearance of ducks.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

The deeper underlying psychological theory of the Talk to Me communication system is based on mother-daughter and mother-son communication vs. miscommunication. Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a professional psychologist, beloved second son and younger brother, proud husband and father of three daughters who miss Grandma O’Grady terribly. You are such a sweetie Mom! Fly on your way!

BEST BOOK MARKETING – ONLINE

“Talk to Me” is in the Semi-Finals 2007 Independent Publisher Book Awards in the category of “Best Book Marketing – Online.” The Independent Publisher Book Awards were conceived as a broad-based, unaffiliated awards program open to all members of the independent publishing industry. The awards are intended to bring increased recognition to the thousands of exemplary independent, university, and self-published titles produced each year, and reward those who exhibit the courage, innovation, and creativity to bring about change in the world of publishing. Visit www.independentpublisher.com for continuing Awards coverage.

What do you say to a dying person, especially if she is your 86-year-old mother who is looking forward to dying, growing more frail and fragile by the day? Mom wasn’t long for this world when I decided to read the following prayer from Home with God: In A Life That Never Ends (p. 296-297) by Neale Donald Walsch.

“The God of your understanding is with you now, even in this hour, at this precise moment. If you have no understanding of God, that will not matter. God is still here, in this place, with you right now, whispering to your soul, “You are welcome, whenever you are ready to come Home.”

You shall not be turned away, not for any cause or reason. If there be cause or reason you believe to be valid, God—should you want God to—in this moment invalidates it. God—should you want God to—in this moment erases it. God—should you want God to—in this moment makes all paths clear, all roads straight, saying, “Make way for my beloved, who chooses to be Home with God.”

This prayer is offered for you, wonderful child of the universe, as you embark on the most joyful journey you have ever taken, filled with wondrous surprises. A journey into the greatest happiness you have ever known, and the grandest experience you will ever have.

Dream now of glorious things. Dream of every fantasy come true. Dream of every pain disappearing, of everything of which time has robbed you being given back to you again. Dream of seeing loved ones once more—those who have gone before and those who will follow.

Know for a certainty that when you leave here, you will be again with all those who have held a place in your heart and have gone before. And do not worry about those you leave behind, for you will see them, too, again and again, and love them, too, again and again, through all eternity, and even in the present moment. For there can be no separation where there is love, and no waiting where there is only Now.

Smile, then, at the joyful anticipation of what is in store. These gifts have been laid up for you, and God has only been waiting for you to return Home to receive them. Peace, joy, and love are you, and are yours, now and always. So it is, and so it shall be, for ever and ever. Amen.”

AN OCEAN OF EMOTION

I didn’t expect Mom to perk up while listening to this message, but she did. Mom whispered to me in a tired voice: “I really like the message in this verse, Denny. It’s very soothing and nice.” I was heartened how gladly Mom basked in the sunny words by this ocean of emotion of a message. Mom asked me to re-read the passage several times over the two week course of her final stages of life.

“Peace, joy, and love” are YOU, my one and only, Mom.

ABOUT PSYCHOLOGIST, SPEAKER AND AUTHOR DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Talk to Me is dedicated to Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dennis is a loving son, brother, father, husband and psychologist who now fully believes “Death is Gentle.” Dennis can be reached at www.drogrady.com.

It was six past midnight. A warm Florida breeze poured in through the open courtyard window, bathing my 86-year-old dying mom and me in the open arms of angelic comfort. Mom had been in Hospice care for a few days now. A broken hip-spill a month ago had a domino effect on her already frail health. A few minutes after midnight is a solid time to talk, in the timeless zone of a brightly blazing mother-son love.

Mom could hold hands, talk fairly clearly, but do precious little else. Although Mom could slowly lift her hand to scratch her nose, she soon decided against the feat, because it cost her body more energy than it was worth. So there I sat, exhausted. There I sat, praying my strength would last and my courage hold out. There I sat, wishing for a miracle. In the meantime, I would be true to the lessons my mother demonstrated to me over this lifetime.

I wasn’t in desperate straits. Mom and I were again lost in the pleasures of strolling down memory lane. We had enjoyed long talks over the years about a great many topics. Now, Mom was glad that I had flown in from Dayton for an in-person chat-a-thon. Ready or not, death was no longer playing hide-and-seek, but had shown up for good this time. “Ready or not, here I come!” death chanted amidst the leaves rustling in the wind outside her open window at Life Care. Ah, how sweet it is: Mom and I were blessed with many years of “good talking” together.

Mom liked to discuss passages before and after death, and talk about what was to come. While I was holding Mom’s hand, my face near to hers, she said in a hoarse whisper, “I have a message for you, Denny. It’s the strangest thing. I’ve never thought of myself as a messenger, or special, and certainly not any more special than the next person. But there’s a message for you, I need to tell you what it is. And I want you to tell the world about this: DEATH IS GENTLE.”

Death is gentle! Death is gentle? Death isn’t dark or heartless, cruel or unkind. Death isn’t a payback for your or my wrongs, or bad things done to good people. Death isn’t isolation, or a doorway marked Hell. Death isn’t destructive, or something to be chronically and constantly feared. Death isn’t hateful or spiteful. Death doesn’t leave you hanging, feeling hopeless and helpless, on a string about ready to snap, of broken relationship promises. No, those are things human beings do to other human beings in the name of being “right” or feeling all right when pain sears the brain.

Death is none of those things. Death is gentle. The message Mom gave me and you: “Death is gentle.” But that didn’t make it any easier for me to say good-bye to you, my sweet, gentle mother.

ABOUT PSYCHOLOGIST, SPEAKER AND AUTHOR DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Talk to Me is dedicated to Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dennis is a loving son, brother, father, husband and psychologist who now fully believes “Death is Gentle.” Dennis can be reached at www.drogrady.com.

Really, now, can you take a little constructive criticism? In fact, how do you give or take constructive criticism without getting all bent out of shape? Sure, “constructive feedback” is supposed to improve empathy and performance, but does it in fact lead to changes that are good for all? For example, “You’re always late for our meetings!” has a bit of a hook or barb stuck in it, making it difficult for the intended target to respond productively and non-defensively. Oh, criticism can make you feel as unimportant as a ketchup spot on a table after a big party.

LASER-SHARP COMMUNICATION

Good communication is supposed to be laser-sharp and to the point without sticking it to the other person with character assassinations that usually start “You always ___” or “You never ____.” Bad communication is akin to being a “cop” who catches a “speeder” and hands out a ticket that makes further travel troubled.

Would you agree with these tips for handling the sharp knife of criticism without getting cut?

1. The criticism is supposed to be to the point without being pointed. But if the person delivering criticism has bottled up frustrations over time, the words that eventually come out can poke the flesh like a sharp, pointed spear.

2. The criticism is supposed to be fair–and fairly specific. For example, “you are late to our meetings about every other time and it holds things up.”

3. The criticism is supposed to be a new call for action, not a replay of a whiny past complaint. The point of criticizing is to imply or openly suggest an alternative behavior that would work better for the relationship.

4. The criticism is supposed to ask for change, not knock a listener in the head with a revenge club that demands change. Threatening someone isn’t the same as offering feedback with an option to “take it or leave it.”

5. The criticism is supposed to tie things together, not break things asunder. For example, “When you DO ____, how it makes me feel is ____.”

6. The criticism is supposed to be free of blame and shame. Slapping someone with a long litany of unhealthy anger (e.g., “I’m right and you’re a numbskull for a dipstick!”) creates a “wieners and losers” games people play battle.

7. The criticism is supposed to result in increased honesty and open up lines of communication. It doesn’t result in fear of loss of your job or the relationship.

So that’s the rationale for rational criticism that is emotion-free and helpful. Aren’t you glad to be on the giving or receiving end of healthy feedback? I bet. Had any feedback lately? Hardly? No wonder we’re shy to speak up in a roomful of gigantic egos.

I DON’T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

Why do you have to take constructive criticism? Well, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and that’s why many perfectly good relationships don’t survive much less thrive. Using constructive criticism, by definition, means something new and positive happens around the Communicator Table, and something negative is hauled away to the dump. But you can either care too much, or too little, about what others think of you. For purposes of rationality, you can hear out a criticism without immediately agreeing or disagreeing with it. The ultimate purpose of feedback is to tell you how you’re doing in a relationship, what you’re doing well, and what needs improving without smudging an ego like a bug against the windshield of your car.

ANGER CONFORMITY

Criticism has gotten such a bad name because traditionally it’s been used to shame and blame a person into conformity or expectational group norms that may or may not be healthy. A rule that says “We can talk about anything!” is best for good communication that includes accounting for how your behavior and words impact a relationship. When there isn’t constructive criticism, people will feel like they’re walking on eggshells, or sitting on broken glass in their communicator car, ready to be hauled over and given a ticket for speeding on a one-way Communication Highway (or worse, hauled to the junk yard).

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D., DEVELOPER OF THE “TALK TO ME” POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist, interpersonal communication workshop leader, developer of the “Talk to Me” positive and effective communication system and banquet speaker. In his 30+ years experience of clinical psychology and psychotherapy, Dennis has found that giving and receiving negative feedback is one of the most misused and misunderstood communication skills that is the most difficult to learn. In fact, Empathizer communicators (E-types) tend to take others’ criticisms too personally and offer criticisms too slowly, while Instigator communicators (I-types) tend to offer criticisms too quickly and take criticisms too impersonally. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of three books, the most recent is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.”