Posts in category: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

How compatible are you with your romantic partner? As a communications psychologist, I recommend being an honest, open, empathetic and genuine communicator. Case in point: Do you think of love differently than your partner? Answer these 12 questions with your Valentine’s Day sweetheart to discover what type of love each of you prefer. For each question, the correct answer is true or false.

IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS ROMANCE QUIZ

1. Intimacy means being appreciated as a separate person with unique interests.

2. The most successful couples set comprehensive yearly goals.

3. Dependency is unhealthy.

4. Accumulated resentment is the major threat to the survival of every loving relationship.

5. Passion results from building new changes and growth into tired relationships.

6. The best way to receive affection is to ask your partner to meet your needs.

7. Sexual intercourse is less important than talking and physical nurturing in strengthening bonds of love.

8. Most people are happy in their current relationships.

9. Anger can be a constructive emotion in love.

10. Pleasing your partner should be a priority.

11. Men think differently about communication and sexual issues than women do.

12. Power plays are a normal way to resolve differences.

ANSWERS & DISCUSSION

Make time to discuss these answers and talk about the additional questions and responses with your partner. Remember, love means being able to create a relationship through the vehicle of talking that is satisfying to you both.

1. True. Intimacy occurs when two strong identities interact cooperatively in one relationship. How do you encourage each other’s individuality?

2. True. The most common mistake couples make is to forget that relationships grow and change successfully when they’re aimed at a common goal. What goals would you like to accomplish this year as a couple? Goal-setting should occur in these areas: spiritual, financial, sexual, careers, and child rearing. You could set goals of obtaining a new home, improving your sex lives, starting an exercise program, or finding a church, for some examples.

3. False. There is such a thing as a healthy co-independency. It means trusting your partner to meet your needs and is one hallmark of confident relationships. Do you allow each other the freedom to make different choices to better meet interdependency needs?

4. True. Accumulated resentment is the emotion most responsible for destroying love and intimacy. Have you taken time this week to productively air gripes and let them go?

5. True. The most negative message for couples who want to foster a passionate relationship is, “Don’t talk about it.” Are any of your dissatisfactions or conflicts due to resisting positive changes?

6. False. Ironically, asking directly for needs to be met can come across to a partner as a coercive power play. A better way to get your needs met is to focus first on meeting the other partner’s needs. When both partners do this, there is cooperation, and each is satisfied. Do you know what your needs are, and are you able to have them satisfied without speeches, whining, or withdrawing?

7. True. Physical nurturing, plain talk, non-sexual touching and hugging or holding are some of the best avenues to express unconditional love. “Instead of take it out on your partner; talk about it!” is a good rule to live and love by.

8. False. Research indicates that more than half of us are dissatisfied about the quality of our current relationship and don’t know what to do about it. What can each of you do to make your relationship more satisfying?

9. True. Healthy anger can motivate needed changes. Unhealthy anger – characterized by such behavior as name-calling, stonewalling, and withdrawing – is unproductive and hurtful. When you tell your partner you are angry about a lack of time in your relationship and ask what can be done, you are engaging in healthy, focused anger aimed at solving a problem. Do you use anger constructively to promote changes?

10. True. Pleasing yourself and your partner about equally is an act of “healthy selfishness,” because he or she will want to please you back. Do you freely take as much as you give?

11. True. Men tend to think sex will solve problems, and women tend to think communication will. But there is a need for both in a healthy relationship, and each partner should be free to initiate both sex and communication. Men who initiate communication and women who initiate sex are more balanced in their roles. Do you talk concretely about ways to add individual pleasure to your relationship without laying on guilt trips?

12. False. Repetitive arguments that don’t result in concrete changes are bad habits that will break the back of your loving relationship. Are you free to do something different, when what you’re doing isn’t working?

LOVE TALK

How they say I love you in: France: Je t’aime. Germany: Ich liebe dich. Greece: Se agapo. Italy: Ti amo. Japan: Watshi wa anata gasuki desu. Spain: Yo te amo.

EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS

In short, by using my “Talk to Me” system you will learn that Empathizer communicators value talking about emotions to build bridges over chasms that separate lovers, while Instigator communicators value doing something to take their mind off from the painful reality that the relationship bridge has been blown to pieces. Not knowing who you are talking to by type is the cause of many avoidable talk collisions.

LOSING OUT ON LOVE DOESN’T MAKE YOU A LOSER

You deserve to be who you are – happy and respected as a partner. Don’t settle for less. Remember, both you and your partner are responsible for keeping romance, communication, and passion alive in your loving relationship, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP EXPERT, CORPORATE TRAINER AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Your number one customer is your talk partner, whether driving on the love or work communication highway. In fact, did you know that human resource surveys in successful companies list “better communication with managers and employees” as a key to teamwork? Well, you can go from a good to great communicator while driving on the two-way communication highway. Moreover, that’s why Dr. Dennis O’Grady became a communications psychologist, leadership communication keynote speaker and corporate trainer. Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s “Talk to Me” communication system provides the framework needed to help couples, families, managers and employees communicate more openly, effectively and productively. As a result, strategic decisions that result from “wisdom talking” are produced that benefit all members in the family or company. Just you try this new talk approach and see!

Are you being a cupid…or stupid? New couples in the sizzling romantic phase of love don’t have to put much work into their loving adventure. But long-term lovers can get lazy. They can forget the big AND little things that keep relationships hot, and they can let good communication habits fall by the wayside.

Are you passing love by, or are you making your love last a lifetime? Are you being a Cupid or Stupid (especially when love has to survive difficult times)?

CUPID, DRAW BACK YOUR BOW AND…WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?

When I was a teen, singer Sam Cooke crooned these favorite and unforgettable lines in Cupid…

“Cupid, draw back your bow-oh …

And let your arrow go-oh …

Straight to my lover’s heart, for-or ME-eee.”

But how are YOU supposed to get to your lover’s heart? How can you keep your love alive? What to do when your love hits the wall or skids sideways on black ice in the wintertime of your love? How can you drive sanely and serenely on the two-way communication highway when there are roadblocks to good communication, detours, and accidents just waiting to happen?

ARE YOU IN A CONTROLLING, FRIENDSHIP OR A LOVING RELATIONSHIP? HOW CAN YOU TELL?

Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Then chances are you are an E-typer or Empathizer communicator. Do you mind and get really testy when things get emotionally messy? Then you’re probably an I-typer or Instigator communicator? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Don’t know your communicator type, or the communicator type of your partner or kid? Then you aren’t licensed to drive on the two-way communication highway; and accidents do happen.

There are three types of relationships, married or otherwise. In ascending order of maturity, they are: Controlling, Friendship, and Loving.

People move forward and progress from a Controlling Relationship…to a Friendship Relationship…to a Loving Relationship. I like to think of it as a “Love Ladder.” Just because you think you’re in love, doesn’t mean you are really in true LOVE. It depends on the type of relationship you’re in.

And according to my clinical experience, you can’t take a partner at one level and grow with him or her to the next level. It’s just not possible. The three relationship types are like the steps of a ladder. Which type of relationship are you in now?

In all my years of communications psychology practice, I have not seen anything like today’s push for love and loving relationships. More people than ever before expect to live and feel loved in a mutually advantageous, loving relationship. And the fields of psychology and communication have the technology available to make the dream of love come true if we pick a partner wisely and use smart communication moves.

Pages 112-113 in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone”

WHY “TALK TO ME” MAKES A PRACTICAL GIFT FOR YOU, YOUR LIFE OF LOVE AND LOVER ON VALENTINE’S DAY

Love, like good communication, is a gift, and if you haven’t figured out what to give your Valentine this year, why not give the gift of communication? The love-based communication system that I am championing can be found in my newest book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Now, hold on to your heart-mind because I DO want to sell you something. I want to sell you on caring for yourself. I want you to have a loving relationship toward yourself. I want you to think about giving others what you both need to get along well in this world. I want you to think about doing what you can to help your loving partner, even when a lover might not feel like giving you the time of day. To love others, you must first love yourself when times are tense and fear is chasing after you like a werewolf smelling a warm and juicy meal.

COME TALK TO ME

The “Talk to Me” communication system works. So I would like you to come by New Insights Communication between 9 a.m.-3 p.m. Wednesday, February 14th, to purchase your own copy of my book. Then, I sincerely hope you’ll read it and learn the system to achieve the “light went on” effect that I’ve written about.

I’ll personalize your book, too. Plus, you’ve got nothing whatsoever to worry about or lose. If you aren’t entirely happy with the results of the “Talk to Me” communication system…I’ll return your investment in getting along better with yourself (and others)–smile on my face when I see you. At the very least, I’ll be happy that you tried my “keep the lines of communication open.”

What a recent communications client said: “I can’t believe in just a few visits to you our “COMMUNICATION” is WONDERFUL. All the tools you gave us to work with we are still using. I feel happier, and our 30-year marriage, feels like we’re IN-LOVE again.”

And I’m bettin’ you’re ready to roll on down the road to get your happy back, too. Four minutes a day practice is all it will take for you to produce results that will quiet any doubts you have of being able to go from a good to a GREAT communicator.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

A communications training client of mine recently said: “Life is way too fragile, and way too short, to not be with the person or the people you love.”

I say it this way: Love is all that lasts BUT you may find love only to lose it IF you don’t use good communication habits.

ARE YOU STUPID ABOUT CUPID?

“Fix the problem, not the person!” is a rule of mine to encourage worrying less, pumping up your mood, making change happen fast and last, enjoying your life as you travel down the two-way communicator highway instead of groaning: “But are we there yet?”

NO, you’re not there. You are here to experience “peace of mind” instead of “give someone a piece of your mind.” In exchange for a few dollars, you gain a caring attitude toward yourself when the chips are down, and some cool new communicator moves that have been known to work wonders.

Thanks for taking a ride with me on the two-way communicator highway.

ABOUT PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist, corporate trainer and relationship counselor from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He provides keynotes and corporate training programs on the topics of positive and effective communication. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is Dr. O’Grady’s third book on the subject of strategic decision-making, change management and leadership communication.

Troubled parent-teen communications are like trying to drive your car when the kids are fighting in the backseat. As you attempt to keep your eyes on the road and your mind on the tense conversation, you lose your cool and feel like a fool who has lost control. Plus, you’re mad that people aren’t following the rules you live by, and someone needs to be set straight. So do you smack a fellow passenger, or pull over and give him or her a piece of your mind, or quietly seethe inside.

ROAD SIGNS THAT THERE ARE NOT OPEN LANES OR LINES OF COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR TEEN

Poor parent-teen communication has certain off-ramp signs on the fast-moving two-way adult-teen communications highway. Some of these signs are obvious: talking with your kids about cell phone use, peer pressure, dating, driving, drug or alcohol use or sexual issues (including requiring a cell phone with a GPD tracking device) may pose problems:

1. Family arguments. The co-parents have yelling matches when differences of opinion occur.

2. An “I avoid controversy and relationship stress by going with the flow!” attitude. There is an “elephant in the room” that increasingly stinks as differences and healthy confrontation are avoided.

3. Or there is a constant battle between the parent and teen. Debates escalate while problem-solving takes a hike.

4. Each communicator scolds the other one for being a control freak. Interrupting, talking over, talking louder, and sounding like a broken record occur as a result of delivering the same lecture for the 1,000th time.

5. Mistrust and resentment. Emotionally feeling frustrated, hopeless and helpless after attempting “We’ve got to talk about it!” sessions. Not picking your battles carefully enough.

6. Broken promises. Positive change is promised but the promised results are not delivered upon on a constant basis.

7. Questions are reacted to as criticism. Attempts to talk feel like attacks, and talkers get mean and hit below the belt.

8. Logician magicians. Legalistic arguments and hair-splitting replace easy honesty.

9. An “I can’t talk to you!” dark cloud hangs over the home. “Take-away” discipline is done as the teen digs in his or her heels.

If you have to try really, really hard to talk, then chances are you can’t talk to your teen about major things without a battle that brings everyone down.

TALK TO YOUR TEEN

There are plenty of ways to talk rationally with your teen to teach problem-solving and decision-making skills. After all, instead of lecturing constantly, wouldn’t you instead prefer a teen who can find facts and make good decisions under pressure? So where to begin: First you must know if your teen is an Empathizer-type communicator who is afraid to speak up for fear of conflict, or an Instigator-type communicator who isn’t afraid to debate until the cows come home. Which type of teen are you talking to?

YOUR TEEN ISN’T CLUELESS, ARE YOU?

“There’s nothing effective I can do about it!” is nonsense. The reason teen talks are so difficult is because they often trigger YOUR unresolved issues from adolescence. When those issues/memories are triggered, you will activate the same tired lecture you were given as a teen that didn’t work very well for you, either. Being independent while remaining response-able in a family group isn’t for chickens.

LET’S TALK

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, communications psychologist and professional keynote speaker whose latest book is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” His articles on positive and effective communication strategies are available for free at www.drogrady.com. He is the father of two teenage daughters, and one pre-teen, all of whom can make him careen on the communication highway as if driving on slippery ice in spite of his best efforts to keep his eyes on the road. In his personal experience, Dennis has learned that teens call upon all of us to improve our communication skills in spite of our feelings of frustration or helplessness, feelings that aren’t resolved by driving like a control-freak maniac.

A hallmark of a co-dependency is “I lost myself in the relationship and I’m having trouble finding myself again!” In contrast, a hallmark of a co-independent relationship is “I find out more about who I am by communicating effectively in the relationship.” Moreover, out of the ashes of grief, springs new growth. That’s why some relationship break-ups or divorces are not only good for you (and the kids)…but really are great new adventures in being a “you” that has too long been suppressed or repressed.

GAIN OF LIFE: AM I A BAD PERSON OR A CURIOUS PERSON GLAD TO BE ALIVE?

The shame-and-blame game religiously intones that for the life of you, you had better back down from being you and instead try to please others in order to keep what you’ve got. Threats of loss abound in co-dependencies. Are you a bad person? Well, no, because truly “bad” people don’t ask this question in the first place. Bad people act all nice, and then in a sick, twisted and evil way, help you right out of the person you need to be, changing you into a shivering and quivering morphed-out version of some fake robot who smiles on cue to please ’em while you’re dying inside.

TRYING ON DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR PERSONALITY FOR SIZE

These are steps in my “gain and growth” model of human change that focus on what you gain, instead of what you lose, as a result of embracing meaningful personal change.

THE GAIN OF LIFE MODEL OF HUMAN CHANGE

STEP 1: WAKING UP. You wake up to the fact that you are living a life that is a white lie, one that doesn’t express your true self or fit your higher calling.

STEP 2: THE LIGHT COMES ON. The light comes on in your personal world, and you wake up as if from a deep dream and look around at unfamiliar surroundings.

STEP 3: YOU EMBRACE THE UNKNOWN. When you grow, you let go of the comforting known or familiar, and eerily what you once thought solid and certain now seems fluid and uncertain.

STEP 4: YOU GAIN AN AWARENESS OF BEING A CONTROL FREAK. You acknowledge how much you’ve tried hard to control others and allowed others to control your view of yourself, your decisions, and what makes you a “good or bad” person. You learn the harder you try to control, the behinder and more resentful you get.

STEP 5: YOU UNDERSTAND THE ANXIETY-ANGER-ANXIETY CYCLE. There are intense emotions of anxiety, of fear and dread, of fear of loss of life or economic vitality or social standing. “But what will people think of me now?!” haunts your work and family habitats.

STEP 6: TAKING A HIKE ON NEW GROUND. You try on new behaviors for size and analyze the social feedback that is co-created. For example, a shy person becomes more assertive, outgoing and opinionated.

STEP 7: WONDER AND CURIOUSITY. Your viewpoint opens up to include the awareness that you are always producing results, for better or worse. Thus, change becomes a friend instead of a foe. Also, you are able to hold two differing viewpoints at the same time even when smoke pours out of your ears. You are curious about why you and others do and don’t do what we all do.

Using positive and effective communication skills makes deeply courageous personal changes happen fast and last for you and yours.

PUTTING AN END TO BEING CONTROLLED OR NEEDING TO BE IN CONTROL

Control of your mind (attitude) and emotions (feelings) is the name of the life game. When you feel self-doubt, you will permit controllers to control you. Without your consent to be controlled, controllers will descend into deeper reaches of their own emotions that would benefit them enormously. As you test new grounds, you will try on new behaviors, sometimes going a little too far so you then will decide which behaviors fit your temperament the best for the time of your life.

FINE-TUNEMENTS

Typical comments from my communications clients: “Although nothing’s perfect, I’m enjoying my life for a change right now! I used to be comfortable, but now I’m uncomfortably cheerful!” The “Talk to Me” communication system includes “the light bulb came on!” effect. My best description of this energetic force of change is the “gain of life” model above. You will “wake up” feeling “a revelation” and “light” to make your way by declaring your own decisions about your life. You will go a little too far now and then, but not too often. You will put an end to being manipulated and controlled by “annoying people” at work or insane family pressures to be perfect.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY WHO IS A KEYNOTE SPEAKER, AUTHOR OF THREE BOOKS, COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT AND PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST FROM DAYTON, OHIO, USA.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” which is a positive and effective communication system that will work wonders in your work and personal life. One of O’Grady’s favorite grief management speaking lines is: “Out of the ashes of grief springs new growth.” Dennis lives and works in Dayton, Ohio, with his wife and three daughters. He is President-Elect of the Dayton Psychological Association, and a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. O’Grady believes that individuation takes place in healthy relationships, when people are free to talk about their opinions and feelings without censor or shame.

“I don’t feel like talking about it!” is a cement roadblock erected on the communication highway when temperatures are rising. How are you supposed to talk to a partner who doesn’t want to talk? Someone who prefers to suffer in silence? Very carefully! If you push a person too hard to talk, he or she may back off and give you the silent treatment. If you don’t explore talking at all, valuable talk topics will be dead on arrival.

THE PURPOSE OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

The purpose of good communication is to be able to walk a mile in the moccasins of your fellow traveler on the two-way communication highway, a journey that leads to personal growth, interpersonal closeness and relationship peace. Bad communication is akin to playing blindman’s buff…a mindgame in which one person, blindfolded and confused, tries to catch and identify one of the other players. “Truth lite” clouds the truth and demotes good communication.

IF YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT IT … IT DOESN’T EXIST?

“If you don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist!” is mentally confusing communication. Confusing communication is the same as a driver education teacher blindfolding a student and telling him or her to drive…then yelling about the driving mistakes made. It just doesn’t add up or make sense, and you have to try too hard to be happy, and feel like a loser or failure.

A MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS?

If you don’t talk about problems, the problems get worse, and come back to bite you. How to know when your marriage or a relationship is in a state of disrepair, one in which you give up yourself to meet expectations:

1. Not following through on promises

2. Use of brazen, impudent, boldfaced lies

3. Inability to share basic life viewpoints

4. Lack of intimacy

5. Debating that yields no fruit because it is fruitless

6. Avoidance

7. Constant disagreements

8. Perpetual “I can’t take it!” frustrations

9. Emotional isolation

10. “It’s your problem not mine!” blame-gaming

11. Hiding the truth from friends and family

12. Beating up on self

13. Biggest strengths are core problems brainwashing

Is your marriage on the rocks? Do you have a legal marriage instead of a positive relationship? If you can’t talk productively, problems escalate.

I DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT’S YOUR PROBLEM NOT MINE!

“It’s all your problem not mine!” is the ultimate plea of interpersonal innocence and shrugging off accountability for actions. Instead of a multiple personality disorder, it’s a “multiple lies disorder,” beginning with the belief that denial isn’t ever destructive. “It’s not my fault so I don’t have to change anything about me!” doesn’t follow the golden rule of the communication highway that says we all are 50% co-responsible for the outcome of any communication in marriage or a business relationship.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER AND RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is freely available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog.