Posts in category: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

How do you get men to talk openly to you in a marriage? How do you get any partner to warm up to hot talk?

As “the communications guru” when it comes to good communication, I know some smooth moves to encourage men to talk and open up vs. shut down or shut up. Saying “We’ve got to talk!” shuts men down faster that a teen-age rabbit on Starbucks. Or even more rude and crude, “Dear, we’ve got to talk NOW!” (You tell me I’ve gotta do something, like talk to you at the snap of your fingers, and I will go off and do the opposite just to prove that I’m a free agent.)

A FOUR-LETTER WORD GUYS LOVE…TALK

Guys are great communicators, and we love to talk up a storm. (Stop snickering, sweetheart!) We know that our partners just love to listen to us open-mindedly, non-judgmentally and without picking at our flaws until we guys feel raw and bleed. Who’s responsible for “making men talk?” Well, both partners are 50% co-responsible for making good talks happen, aren’t we?!

After all, guys are quite fond of MANY four-letter words that end in “K”…like TALK. And we know that everyone enjoys good talking…all night long IF. IF guys are slowly put in the mood for emotional connection, contact and intimacy.

Ladies, here’s how to make a guy get psychologically naked with you NOW. ..and want to do it again and again and again. (Hey guys, listen up! I’m going to tell the ladies that they ought to get all naked so we can really talk. Let’s call this “doing the naked talk…talking openly about anything!”) After all, ladies, you know that your guy really, really wants to please YOU above anything else. You do know this, true?

SO LET’S GET PSYCHOLOGICALLY NAKED…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…AND TALK FOR A CHANGE

Wife says to lucky husband: “I realize that you WILL do anything for me, and that you believe that anywhere, anytime, is a good time to talk to me.”

Husband thinks fast: (Oh, shoot, she’s been hitting the sauce again or drinking too much java. No worries, though, because maybe I’ll get lucky tonight.)

Husband analyzes this some more and says: Well, yeah, sure sweetheart. I’d do about anything for you, you know that. BUT tell me exactly a little bit more what you’re specifically referring to when you say that I’d do anything for you. Exactly, what, did you have in mind…specifically?

Positive wife says to suspicious husband: Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it, really, I swear. Nope, nothing at all. I just think you’re a terrific communicator, that’s all. I hear all those horror stories about how terrible men are at the simple act of communication…how most guys are cold and frigid…and well, why I just thank my lucky stars for you. You care so much about me, and my happiness. Don’t you?

Husband thinks even faster now and smoke begins to come out of his ears: (Oh snap, she’s gone out and bought something that’s really, REALLY expensive without consulting me. How do I handle this one? How do I get her to take it back, whatever IT is that she’s gone out and bought on a whim or impulse, without getting into a big ruckus or noisy racket that will end up with me getting the cold shoulder in bed when I want to romp?)

Husband strategically says: Well honey, you’re a great communicator, too. Personally, I don’t know any guys who get complimented by their wife for being good in the talkroom and able to carry on a decent conversation around the communicator table, too. Also, I sure am glad I don’t always have to agree with you. You don’t make me do anything against my will or make me perform “guilt talk.” I’m glad we can disagree without hammering each other over the head with the blunt instrument of our viewpoint. You don’t badger me, or make unilateral decisions without consulting me. Right? Right on! Am I right, or what?

Confident wife responds instead of reacts: Of course you’re right…you’re always right. In fact, you’re absolutely right, almost always never wrong. You would never put me off by saying, “Why would you say something like that!” Or, “Why did you go and do such a stupid thing!” I know you don’t ever believe there’s something flawed about me…what I’m feeling…what I’ve independently decided to do. In fact, I don’t have to be perfect to be loved by you because you love me just the way I am. Am I telling IT like it is between us in our positive relationship, or what?

Increasingly bewildered husband scratches his head as if he lice-infested and self-talks VERY rapidly: (Well, this is even worse than I thought. She’s not tipsy or high on caffeine. She’s not overspent our budget…she’s gone out and had an affair! Geez!! There’s no way she would be THIS NICE to me unless she’s trying to hide something or get me to do something I don’t want to do…ya know, trying to control me. Who’s she playing around with? Fred or Frieda next door? This is ridiculous. The only other possible scenario is that she’s been reading that dumb book again by Dr. O’Grady called, oh what is that stupid title…”You’ve Got To Talk To Me or I’ll Make Your Life Absolutely Miserable Until You Beg Me For Mercy Which I Won’t Give.” Well, it’s something like that. Now I’ve got to go easy and act totally unphased now.)

Cautiously husband proceeds through the four-way stop sign: “Um, I don’t know what to say except, “Tell me more about why you say that!”

Wife in a chipper mood continues: O.K., you respect me and love me deeply. I know when we don’t get along that that really bothers you…even makes you feel like a whopping failure the size of Arkansas. BUT you don’t fail me or disappoint me like that. Sure we miss the communication mark sometimes, but it’s not for lack of trying or caring. You are always optimistically trying to ENCOURAGE vs. DISCOURAGE good talking. When I tell you that I feel “awful” you remind me that I’m “awfully good” and even “awesome.” Because you are SO important to me, you have the power to bring my mood up or make my mood come crashing down to the ground. I know that doesn’t sound very independent, but emotionally I feel very closely tied to you, so I don’t mind being really open and vulnerable with you. Life’s sort of like a sack race, isn’t it? Each of us has one leg in the gunny sack as we race along and laugh across the course and collapse in a satisfied heap when we cross the finish line.

Husband anxiously chimes in: I’m not sure I get the sack cloth metaphor here…

Wife overtalks her husband: Moreover, I know that you will walk to the end of this planet (and back) to please me. And I know that you know that I can make your life completely miserable by what I say and do or don’t say and don’t do and oh, how you don’t ever forget that fact or try and take advantage of my good nature, right?

Husband is starting to get warmed up and getting in the mood to talk now: What are you saying, what do you mean? I suppose both of us are saying to “just give talk a chance”…and to gladly tell “the naked truth”…to self-disclose what we’re really feeling…to “scream for joy and let it all out!” Yeah, I’m happy that we can be open about what we really think or feel without sugar coating or putting each other down. Hey, now, no one said talk is all-ways easy…it takes some chutzpa…but we are good lovers of sizzling talk!

Wife purrfectly purrs: You’re the best, Tiger. I love it when you talk to me that way. Ya’ get me all worked up. Now where were we? Are you ready? I don’t want you to feel pressured. So, we don’t have to talk…and that’s NOT to say we can’t have a quick talk because “We’ve got to talk all night long!” BUT do you wanna do it for a little while right now while the kids are asleep?

Wife turns on the passion: Moreover, you know that I will hold you close after we talk and not just walk away, treating you like some talk object. You turn me on so when we talk! No, you can count on me to treat you respectfully! I want you to feel happy and satisfied and to fullfill all of your fantasies.

Husband impassioned: Yeah, I believe in the naked truth, too. Total emotional honesty. To self-disclose what we’re really feeling without blaming or shaming each other in ways that shut us up from telling a truth we don’t want to hear but need to hear and use.

Wife/Husband: I’M SO glad we can be open about what we really think or feel without playing mind games and blaming each other and frustrating each other and avoiding meeting needs. Let’s get busy! Hey, now, no one said talk is all-ways easy…it takes some chutzpa! I LOVE DOING IT (TALKING) WITH YOU!!

(Curtain closes)

GUYS ARE GOOD AT NAKED TALKING…WHICH MEANS?

SO the goal of the good couple talk or effective marital communication is to have a good, two-way talk romp that is satisfying to both talk partners. Talk that is open, honest, tell-all-hide-nothing truce, emotionally genuine, mature and non-blaming, vulnerabilities are safely aired, trust in the truth is high, put downs are rare, both parties learn something new about self and other and continue growing and changing…and everyone feels pretty good afterwards.

An effective couple knows “IF you don’t have anything nice to say…It’s best to say anything honest that move talks forward!” Good talking releases tensions in couples, and saves them a visit to the divorce courtroom time and time again.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist that believes a great deal of defensive non-talking is a lack of commitment to The Relationship Rules of Positive Talking that couples thrive on when used. These “talk rules of engagement” reduce the chances that you or your partner will be curt, defensive, avoiding, silent, disrespectful, blaming, blow you off splitting the two of you apart, withholding, lying and distorting, avoiding commiting to good talking, fearful, sullen, a poutercrat, counter-defensively angry, name calling, distracting, off putting, resentful, shut down, walled off, driven up a wall, up a creek without a paddle, retreat to a dank cave, walk on a tightrope with fire on one side and ice on the other, in a tizzy, whew!! and all that other relationship jazz that has as its core purpose the disguising of emotions instead of disclosing them openly to a trusted partner. Dennis’ book on useful communication strategies is called TALK TO ME. (The title isn’t YOU HAVE TO TALK TO ME…OR ELSE.) He believes that good talk is an act of social intercourse that works best when men are put in the mood to talk, and using “talk foreplay” to slowly build up to the main act that should be a satisfying interplay to both parties.

The Midnight Cowboy movie song lyrics, “Everybody’s talkin’ at me…I don’t hear a word they’re saying…!” doesn’t have to be your theme song as you stand alone at the end of the communicator dance. Most of us “shut up and shut down” or don’t express our inner selves because we believe that no one truly wants to hear what we think or feel anyway. That leaves us feeling disconnected, mad, hurt and disappointed, lonesome, alone, discouraged and filled to the gills with “Why even try!” negativism.

TALKING FACILITATES (NOT INHIBITS) UNDERSTANDING

Talking is supposed to facilitate, not inhibit, the open expression of your authentic inner self. You aren’t talked to but talked with. At the end of an effective, interactive talk, you’ve learned something new about yourself and your co-communicator, something that you can put to use to strengthen your relational bond. And you start feeling confident as you have a string of talk successes behind you.

HOW TO CREATE TALKS THAT WORK?

Here’s how to create talks that work and keep your head from spinning ‘round and ‘round:

1. Focus on one talk target. Talk Rule: Before you attempt to talk, tell yourself what the single goal is in order to keep the conversation simple and focused. Talk Time: “My goal is to talk about why I haven’t been talking much lately.”

2. Ask for talk time. Talk Rule: It’s not good manners to assume that someone is instantly available to talk to you. Talk Time: “Is this a bad (O.K.) time to talk?” If so, “When would be a better time for us to talk?”

3. Read the talk headline. Talk Rule: Calmly state the topic of talking in a “headliner” fashion that announces the big story. Talk Time: “I would like to talk to you about _____ (the kid’s grades). Would you be up for it?”

4. Take off change pressure. Talk Rule: Take the pressure off from you and your co-communicator to fix a problem prematurely. Talk Time: “This problem doesn’t need to be fixed right now.” Or, “I just want to brainstorm options to better understand what’s going on here.”

5. Parrot back. Talk Rule: Agree that the core message has been accurately heard in spite of disagreement. Talk Time: “I am hearing you say _____. Is that correct?” Or, “What are you hearing me say?”

6. Plug in. Talk Rule: Live by, “Honesty is the best policy.” Talk Time: “I don’t think I’m being honest with you.” Or, “I believe if I honestly tell you how I think or feel, you will tell me to ‘Shut up!’”

7. A win for all. Talk Rule: Suspend or postpone your talks when they become competitive tug-of-wars or inhibiting debates. Talk Time: “Endless debating won’t help either one of us.” Or, “A tug-of-war isn’t what we need right now.” Better is, “Let’s stop talking for now but keep being nurturing one another until we figure this out.”

8. Don’t throw sticks or stones. Talk Rule: Being a communication bully gets you nowhere when you get things off your chest but hurt your listener. Talk Time: “I don’t think I can control my temper. I need to walk away and cool off. Is that O.K. with you?”

9. Keep your head on. Talk Rule: When your head starts spinning from the speed of back-and-forth talking, slow down the train and think about what you are thinking and feeling. Talk Time: “My mind is racing so I need to slow down and think for a minute.” Or, “I’m feeling like we’re getting off track.”

10. Say, “Erase that.” Talk Rule: When your anxieties run high during tense talks, and you say something stupid, you can take back what you just said by saying, “Erase that! I want to take back what I just said.” Talk Time: “Erase what I just said. I spoke out of line and I didn’t really mean it.”

11. Brainstorm. Talk Rule: Brainstorm new options or ways of looking at stressful situations or difficult emotions and discourage lazy talk habits. Talk Time: “If we couldn’t fail, what would we do differently about this problem?” Or, “Let’s not put down any new ideas about change and keep our minds open.”

12. Grow it forward. Talk Rule: The payoff of effective talking is personal growth that makes room in relationships for the fresh air and sunshine of new insights. Talk Time: “What have we learned here that we can put to good use in the future?” Or, “How have we succeeded in little ways to strengthen our bond?”

TALKING ISN’T DUMPING FEELINGS

Talking doesn’t mean placing blame, making excuses or running away and hiding. Constructive talking means walking in the moccasins of a partner for a few miles.
There’s got to be a better way to talk—and a better relationship day to enjoy. Talk to win understanding. Talk NOW.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker and an executive-relationship coach, and the developer of a proven new communication theory found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.

“I can’t believe you said that!” is the rallying cry of shocked Instigator-type (I-type) communicators who hear something coming out of YOUR mouth that doesn’t fit THEIR world view of what YOU’RE supposed to be saying, doing or being.

Empathizer-type communicators (E-type), on the other hand, are more likely to respond with, “You hurt me when you said that!” when they hear something coming out of YOUR mouth that stings or sticks in THEIR mind like a harpoon in the soft underbelly of a whale. Both spoken transactions imply that the receiver has unwittingly blown up the relationship bridge of the speaker without intending to…and so the speaker should apologize and get busy fixing the problem.

YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME

Instigators or I-types listen with a mission in mind. When I ask I-types in my communications classes and case studies what their mind is doing during a heated discussion: “I’m readying my next counter-argument because I know I’m right and I’ve got to stand up for my position.”

And when I ask Empathizers or E-types what they’re doing during a heated discussion: “I’m trying to steady my nerves and not feel too hurt so I can come back and calmly state my point.” Which one are you…and E- or I-type communicator? Which one is your partner?

LISTENING WITH THREE EARS

My Talk to Me relationship approach builds new communication patterns, and I show how E-types therefore listen with “three ears” and I-types listen with “one ear.” What do I mean by this? E-types are both listening to the “spoken message” and the “implied message” and sorting like crazy. I-types listen with “one ear to steer the conversation in the direction they think it should go.” Neither type is better or worse, since both approaches work well at different times. E-types would do better if they stuffed cotton in their ears when “me-bad songs” are sung until their head hangs down.

THE MIRACLE OF CLOSING COMMUNICATION GAPS

When I drive on a one-way street of talking, or allow someone to steer me down dark avenues, it’s a miracle that any of us can find our way or even try to talk at all! In fact, words have been so altered, watered down and distorted to be devoid or empty of true meaning too many times. On the other hand, we all must resort to words in order to “problem-solve” and “people connect,” which is what we say we’re all about.

BRIDGING COMMUNICATION GAPS

Words form the bricks of the bridges that are needed to cross from one side of a talk canyon to the other side. Here’s how to bridge communication gaps when you hear “I can’t believe you said that!”

1. SLOW DOWN WHEN OTHERS MOVE TOO FAST. When your pulse rate quickens, remind yourself: “I can’t control what others say about me to ME! BUT I don’t have to agree or soak up those negative vibes, either.” And, “I can respond assertively instead of react defensively like I’ve learned to do from Dennis’ TTM approach.”

2. DO A START-OVER? If someone constantly hurts you or gets on your nerves, such as your mom or sister, dad or brother, partner or lover, should you forgive and forget and move on? Absolutely, do NOT pass that go UNLESS the “offensive talk driver” suggests: “Let’s do a start-over. I was in a crummy mood and blew IT and that’s my fault. I’m truly sorry. Can we start over?”

3. MINE FAILURES OR MIND FAILURES? Why give a second thought to the “kernel of truth” of cheap shots about your sterling character? It’s just off-the-cuff chattering from a chatterbox, anyway! Failing to communicate positively with yourself? Then dig down deep to mine the gold ore of the “core lessons” that only failure can teach you. Example: Must you always be SO predictable?

4. “IT’S WHAT YOU LEARN AFTER YOU KNOW IT ALL!” When you agree to take seriously the stupid comments of a know-it-all, you will become a know-it-little in no time at all. Coach “Saint” John Wooden, winner of 9 collegiate NCAA championships, downsized tall and strapping egos when he practiced: “It’s what you learn after you know it all!”

5. KNOW (NO) REGRETS. Although it’s regrettable that people can’t or won’t get along with you, or people might speak or react negatively to what you do that is really good for you to do, do what’s good for YOU, anyway. You will know regrets BUT STAND for a life of no regrets…no excuses…no resentments…no lame blame games…no “they wouldn’t let me.”

6. PROBLEM-SOLVE DON’T PERSON-SOLVE. Your Achilles Heel might be that you care too much. You care to understand…you care to hang in there during tough times…you care to help people who act greedy…you care to be a good Christian or Jew even when you’re getting “evil looks.” Generally speaking, focus your mission of solving problems instead of changing people who are always “right.”

7. SHINE THE LIGHT. I know you feel wounded and in a dark cave all alone and pushed outside the group too often. Keep the faith and hope alive! You have a flashlight in your hand with TTM…turn on your flashlight…shine the light around in that dank cave…look for the “exit” sign and get going in new talk directions.

8. SPINUNICATION. Stop being SO-o nice. Stop listening to all the “spin” monkeys who tell you if you don’t think “we’re right and if you don’t agree you will go down on a fast escalator to Hell.” SO why let your mind to be “spun around” in a thousand directions by fast-talkers? Stick to the truth of your experience that you know to be so.

9. USE YOUR JOY STICK. Communication is a series of “in-flight course corrections,” similar to the right and left ailerons on the outside of the plane wing that you see go up and down when you fly on vacation. Your primary job is to be the pilot of the plane of your own life! Do not permit hijackers aboard. When detractors speak rigidly of your life course or mission, cry a little but say goodbye a lot.

COMMUNICATION VS. SPIN-UNICATION

Communication is either a one-way or a two-way talk street. You can only sweep up and take care of the side of the talk street you walk on. You can’t walk on two sides of the street at the same time. I suggest you more often confront the ridiculous statements that strong-willed Instigator communicators make to you genteel Empathizer communicators that SO-o intimidate you. Stop shaking in your boots! Otherwise, not much change is going to happen in your world of talk “as the world spins.”

LIFE IS SERIOUSLY FUNNY

Stick to the truth that you know, and you won’t lose. Keep your mind open to the positive…close your mind to the negative. Do the new…be afraid of comfort zones that make you feel smug, glum, numb. And by all means, celebrate your life today. Laugh! Life is seriously funny! And remember that 83% of the time, you have the gold opportunity to talk positively to yourself inside your own skull!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, likes to think of himself as a communication aileron, constantly nudging people this way and that to get them moving in the right direction.

Are you a woman who negatively talks to her “inner-personal self” about how chicken men are nowadays to make emotional commitments to women who are gorgeous inside and out? Whoa…go easy. Talking negatively about untrustworthy men inside your skull (or out loud with gal pals) can attract the very type of man you don’t need or want in your life. It’s easy to tell if a man is “ambivalent” about having “a serious relationship” with a good woman. Isn’t it?

THE “COMMITMENT AMBIVALENCE” RED FLAG

It doesn’t take a fancy 100 question interview to determine if a man is open to loving and being loved in a mature way. Well then how? ONE HUGE relationship red flag will wave in front of your face when a man fears or avoids making an emotional commitment to you. It’s nothing personal. Most of us guys simply aren’t much interested in lies, deceit and control…it takes too much work.

Here’s what makes a man or any person “afraid” of commitment and thus untrustworthy:

• People (men or women) who blame others for their life mistakes aren’t trustworthy.
• People (men or women) who don’t blame others for their life mistakes are trustworthy.
• People (men or women) who change a situation instead of trying to change a person are more trustworthy.
• People (men or women) who don’t keep their word aren’t trustworthy.
• People (men or women) who don’t keep it simple aren’t trustworthy.
• People (men or women) who have “mommy” or “daddy” hang-ups aren’t trustworthy.

WATCH OUT FOR THE LAME BLAMER

If a potential partner is a “lame blamer,” then you will be blamed for your partner’s inadequacy or unwillingness to make a commitment. Carrying that blame makes it difficult to stick through the tough times every loving couple travels to over time.

WHAT COMPRISES HEALTHY COMMITMENT TO A POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP?

Do you blame guys for your relationship goofs, mistakes, blunders or failures? Of course you don’t! Let’s talk positively for a change of pace. You’ve got nothing to worry about when it comes to finding the love of your life.

1. LET’S TALK. Serious talks aren’t opposed or feared

2. BE HONEST. Honesty at all times…white lies are still lies

3. TRUE LOVE. True love…not true love of the benefit package

4. PROBLEMS SOLVED. Problem-solving…what works is used and what doesn’t work is discontinued

5. RAUCOUS SEX. Enjoying raucous sex…private sexual thrills are promoted

6. PERSONAL GROWTH. Growing together…change is embraced not feared

7. OPTIMISTIC. The “glass is full to overflowing” attitude…focusing on partner strengths instead of critiques

8. GOD-LOVING. Centering of self in the higher layers of life

9. FAIR PLAY. Fairness…fair and rational “fighting” is used that doesn’t include paybacks

10. RESPONSE-ABILITY. Negative lectures or guilt trips aren’t used to bludgeon a partner into compliance

11. TALKING POSITIVELY. Anxieties are largely corrected first inside the skull of the individual by using positive talk tools

12. TALK TO A KID TODAY. Kid-focused…children are seen as emotional relationships, not difficult projects

13. PET LOVERS. Likes pets…a friendly attitude toward pets and “talking with” the family pet

14. ASSERTIVE. Leader…is a positive leader of own life

TRUE LOVE VS. LOVING WHAT SOMEONE CAN DO FOR YOU

Commitment talk and true commitment hinge on trustworthiness. For a change, consider matching with a communicator type exactly like your own. If you’re an Empathizer…date trustworthy like-minded Empathizer communicators. If you’re an Instigator…date trustworthy like-minded Instigator communicators.That’s not so hard, is it?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady has frequently been seen talking to his dog, Sierra, so he definitely fits some of the criteria needed for a positive relationship. He usually talks to the pooch positively, assertively and with true love, which covers at least four more qualities. He’s the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Alone With Anyone” and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, OH.

When I was in Madrid on my honeymoon some decades ago, my new bride and I had ringside seats as we viewed a “real” bullfight. The bulls came into the ring all pumped up and proud, strutting and stomping and looking strong and powerful…for a little while. Then their neck muscles were cut to weaken them, as the Matadors colorfully glided in, and the bloody “fight” would begin. Little by little as little cuts added up, the bull lost the energy to fight and the will to live. Today, it reminds me of how sensitive guys and gals sometimes feel like the “bull” and the “more insensitive” partner is the “Matador” who has the advantage.

THE LOVE FIESTA

So if you’re a sensitive guy, how are supposed to get your point across to the woman in your life without finding yourself in the middle of a an unfair fight? We all know that shutting up, shutting down, acting like a clown, feeling down but acting proud or allowing your partner to be the dark cloud that rains on your love fiesta is preposterous. BUT being the mighty bull in the small bullfight ring is not a very good or smart thing for your emotional and physical health, either.

BUT HOW DO I GET ACROSS TO HER…INSTEAD OF SLING BULL AROUND?

Most of the good guys I work with as a personal relationship communications coach really DO want to communicate effectively with their lovers and partners. The problem: We guys don’t see the logic in any talks that end up in a big brawl. We don’t like having our luggage packed, sitting out on the doorstep. We don’t like guilt trips, turned backs and frowns that make our skin crawl. No bull: If my talking hurts my partner so much, we’re not stupid and I get this message: “Don’t bother talking to your partner and telling him/her what you really think and feel, because you are going to become the bull against the bullfighter and you, guy, are bound to lose!”

TALK TO HER USING THE “TALK TO ME” COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

Good talk is a combination of faith and reason…emotions and logic…exploring and staying focused…communicating effectively and positively using my pretty-darn-easy-to-learn communication system in my book “Talk to Me.” Hey, gals…do you really want to hear what your guy thinks and feels? Oh, really? Then when you and your man use the TTM communication system, what is required of the TWO of you?

• Good talking requires you to have faith that your partner will listen
• Positive talking requires trust that your true words won’t be filtered or distorted by a moody partner
• Effective communication requires faith that the co-communicator will be changed by what s/he hears
• Open talks requires that a rational discussion can ensure without “anger attacks”
• Two-way talks require that getting MY point of view across is LESS important than understanding YOUR viewpoint
• Clear communication channels require that emotional bullying of a partner is not tolerated

So…do you have what it takes to have two-way talks? I bet you do. Having repeated emotional fights cuts love to the bone … since it drives you and your lover to a town called Alone Nowhere.

FOR GUYS ONLY: USING A POSITIVE TALK ATTITUDE IN THE BULLRING

Loads of guys are sensitive…too sensitive for their own good because they try too hard not to hurt anyone’s feelings! Hey, you Empathizer-type guys (and gals), here’s a quick list of how to talk positively with your partner who may be an Instigator-type communicator. You can turn off the negative talking that is SO rampant nowadays and complained about on all the “shout-talk shows”:

1. ‘FEAR NOT’ BEING DISAPPROVED OF. Stop being intimidated by your co-talker when s/he comes across strong emotionally to get his/her way at the expense of good communication.

2. MAKE YOURSELF TEARPROOF. Tears are just healing water. Don’t shut up when your partner cries because s/he is probably mostly mad at you, anyway.

3. FEELING PILED ON? Don’t “dumb down” and “act passive” like you don’t care (when you really do) simply to avoid discussing provocative ideas.

4. AVOIDING CONFLICT CAUSES CONFLICT. Yes, you’re mega-tough and don’t need much to get along if the costs are too high. I know you can go without, and often do. But “stuffing feelings” will make you a packhorse instead of a person.

5. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, WITHOUT BEING MEAN. Difficult to do I know, because your partner is awfully good at making you feel guilty, allegedly because you’re “talking down to me and being pretty mean.”

6. GROW DOWN. You and your partner are never “done” listening or so “grown up” that you can stop thinking and start lecturing.

7. BEING RIGHT IS WRONG. Being rigid about who’s right and who’s wrong (the blame game) is wrong for emotional closeness and lasting love and works that last a lifetime.

8. RECOGNIZE WHEN YOUR CLOSED-DOWN TALKING STYLE IS THE PROBLEM. “It’s not always about you…sweetheart!” You can’t solve problems or improve a situation when everyone gets a bad attitude from good talks.

9. STOP TRYING SO HARD TO CHANGE YOUR TALK COHORT. Let go of trying to make a co-communicator “see and hear” what you have to say. Instead, focus on changing (opening) your mind about what you’re willing to take in the relationship.

10. REDIRECT WHEN YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE OR INTERRUPT. Have one of your goals not to raise your voice or interrupt. Also when your partner gets loud, say: “I can listen better to what you’re saying if you don’t interrupt or talk too loud.”

Well, you may ask, “What’s the point of doing what works. It takes so much time and discipline and it’s hard for me to be so emotionally controlled?!” Well, it sure beats the alternative of relationship failure.

BULLS LOSE IN BULLFIGHTS

As I recall of that bloody night in Madrid, no bull left the ring alive. All were dragged out of the ring by a rope and a horse. Sure, I felt a little better about the ordeal when I learned that the meat is donated to hungry children, but I had to walk miles back to the hotel to “cool down” from that night when it rained blood. Tragically, unfair, bad-talk, bad-habit fights in your relationship are the same way, guys and gals. If you don’t use positive talk tools…you will not come out of the battle alive…no matter how strong and proud you are.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is definitely pleased that he specialized in communications psychology instead of bullfighting, because life has been much more pleasant because of his career choice three decades ago. He’s the founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton and author of “Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” Bravo!