Posts in category: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

We all need to receive some positive attention now and then, in the workplace or home space, or we will act outrageously to receive negative attention by being a NegaTalker. After all, any attention is better than no attention at all! And like plants, we need to be watered on occasion in all of our relationships for maximum personal growth and confidence to occur. Moreover, Empathizer communicators like to give away attention while Instigator communicators like to earn attention.

DO YOU PLEDGE TO LET OTHERS KNOW IN LITTLE WAYS HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE TO YOU EACH DAY?

These are “pledges of attention” from which any relationship can benefit. Would you agree that making a partner or child feel worthy of your attention is important?

WILL YOU BE GOOD TO ME?

Will you let me know in little ways how important I am to you each day?

Will you see me through fresh new eyes each morning?

Will you hear me through non-judgmental ears?

Will you give me a hug when I feel overwhelmed without my asking?

Will you still like or love me when I disagree respectfully with you?

Will you still remember that I’m a good man or good woman when you’re mad at me?

Will you accept my disappointments without becoming defensive?

Will you accept my vulnerability and not attack or lambaste me?

Will you confront me when I shred your self-esteem?

Will you remind me how I’m good enough when I doubt myself?

Will you make regular deposits in our bank account of love?

Will you forgive me for being far less than I can be?

Will you be good to me?

And love me even when I don’t show up to love myself?

Will you pledge now to pay attention to everyone you come into contact with, not because you have to, but because you want to keep their day going in a good way?

“Will You Be Good To Me” is an excerpted poem by Dr. Dennis O’Grady that appears on pages 259-260 of Dennis’ new book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” When you read the book or attend a “TALK TO ME workshop,” you will know what you’re talking about when it comes to using the four communicator modes to talk positively and communicate more effectively with everyone…including the “difficult people” in your life.

The whole point of having a positive attitude at work is to support taking positive actions when you may not want to or much feel like it. A positive person works daily on exercising a positive emotional and mental mindset, because doing so helps to “put off procrastinating.” The hard-hitting truth: Your positive attitude IS directly linked and locked into customer and employee satisfaction and co-worker confidence in your ability to deliver RESULTS. The communication rule: Talk…talk…talk is cheap but problem-solving results are priceless.

A NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLL ON ATTITUDE

In a New Insights Communication poll on attitude, readers were asked a single, simple question that makes all the difference in the world of commerce and communication. The question was: “Overall, how would you rate your attitude as you go about your day?” Here’s how the results played out, and please realize that negative people will be the first ones to tell you that their attitude is outstanding when others find it bullish, narrow, boring, filled with “sweet rage” or just plain mean and obnoxious.

HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOUR ATTITUDE?

1. I HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE…..76.47%

2. I HAVE A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE….17.65%

3. I HAVE A NEUTRAL ATTITUDE……5.88%

BE FULL OF INTEGRITY…NOT FULL OF ‘IT’

So the results would suggest to the average Jack or Jill that 3 out of every 4 people that you and I run into in our daily work and family life are exhibiting a positive attitude replete with possibility thinking? I’m not betting my yacht on this fanciful thinking. In fact, my experience would suggest just the reverse (and I’m not blaming anyone): namely, that 3 out of 4 people I come into contact with daily act or feel pretty lowdown or neutral. It can’t be me making everyone feel bad, you cynically cautious skeptics!

SO ARE YOU A GOOD JUDGE OF YOUR OWN ATTITUDE, OR NOT?

So are you a good judge of your own attitude character? Perhaps not…due to insecurity you may think you are a legend in our own mind when subordinates can barely stomach you. You’ve no doubt guessed (I hope) that to truly get an “accurate reading or gauge” on a manager, leader’s or director’s attitude…the only reliable way to measure leader attitude…is to anonymously survey the people who work with the leader and ask the very same question. Thus, instead of getting the “see how good I am…see what I’m doing for everyone…see how secure I am…” you actually get the perceived truth instead of the manufactured “impression management.” Another example: Same goes for effectiveness as a parent—don’t ask the parent if he/she is good at parenting; ask the kids. Then combine the results to get a darn accurate portrait of effective vs. ineffective leadership.

COURAGE: WHY YOU CAN’T SEE THE NOSE ON YOUR FACE UNLESS A COACH HOLDS UP A MIRROR FOR YOU?

One of the central reasons that I am hired as an executive coach, for leadership development training and family business consulting, is to hold up a “mirror” to the leader about how his/her attitude might be perceived by co-workers and other manager leaders. Often, ego makes us think more highly of ourselves, and over-rate our performances, than are unjustified in the face of facts. Sadly, this is the same as lying to yourself when you get up in the morning to counter-insecurity.

THE WAITER AND WAITRESS TEST OF A POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE ATTITUDE

Everybody may or may not love the attitude you demonstrate at work. Now, I realize nobody’s perfect, especially me and you, but you owe it to yourself to stop managing impressions and start managing accurate feedback about your attitude that may make you stop and think for a change. A quick attitude test: How you or someone you work with treats a waiter or waitress is a very good indication of their true attitude. If that person is demanding, rude or mean to a waiter or waitress—then I can pretty much guarantee you that that leader has a negative attitude but will tell you all day long how positive he/she is.

Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?”… “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.

Dennis runs workshops on Leadership Communication, Change Management, Effective Communication Strategies, and Anger and Conflict Management, and other workshops or keynotes on positive psychological topics designed for your company, team or organization.

Management consultants, executive coaches and human resource specialists are all hired to keep employee satisfaction high and poor communication low. One assumption in workplace psychology is that those of us who are in positive partnerships are better able to shrug off rejections and stressful assignments while keeping our attitudes positive, and all of that combines to improve overall work performance.

But is this line of reasoning true, and how many of us are coming to work with the “sunburn” of stressful family relationships? Well, I figured the first order of business was to find out how many of us are just passing or failing the relationship grade in our romantic relationships. In short, does the grade you give your romantic relationship spill over at work?

WHAT GRADE DO YOU ASSIGN YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP AT WORK?

The questions that this New Insights Communication poll asked was: “What grade do you assign your romantic relationship?” Implied was “How stress-free is your partnership?” and does it support or undermine your concentration and effectiveness at work? Here are the results that tell a story.

The grade I assign my romantic relationship is:

“A” Excellent…6.45%

“B” Good…32.26%

“C” Average…22.58%

“D” Poor…25.81%

“F” Failing…12.90%

GROUP TENSIONS AND THE CORPORATE COMMUNICATION CULTURE FLOW AT WORK AND AT HOME

Well, there is some tension in our home partnerships. Well over half of the “guaranteed confidentiality” responders report that things are only “average or poor to failing” on the home front. Which means that today, about every other person you sit down to do business with is experiencing pretty significant stress at home, stress that may de-motivate them or negatively impact their focus and energy at work. And only a teeny tiny few of us team members are feeling “excellent” about conditions in our romantic relationships!

BLAME YOUR PARTNER FOR LOW MOTIVATION AND WORK PERFORMANCE OR IMPAIRED PERSONAL INITIATIVE?

Psychologists have long found that personal and personality maturity directly effects job performance, while a negative attitude and bad mood can affect quality of performance, task accomplishment and accuracy and miscommunication about decisions and planned directions. Should we blame our partner, or a stressful partnership or marriage, on our limiting work performance or mistakes made? No, I don’t think so.

Mature communicators will let you know when the stress ovens are burning too hot at home, without being a “poor me crybaby” about it so a co-worker can adjust their expectations for short periods.

WHY NOT FOCUS YOUR MIND AT WORK WHEN THINGS AREN’T GOING SO HOT AT HOME?

Lastly, work stress can flow back home along a “pipeline of stress” and cause for some heated disagreements, making “waves,” withdrawing into quietness or going to the inner-personal “cave,” as Dr. John Gray has written about. In any case, I would recommend that you focus more on work to feel good about something when you aren’t feeling so good about what is (or isn’t) happening in your romantic relationship.

Come to think of it, you deserve to be a giant success in all of your communication worlds that include work, family, extended family, friendships and romantic loving relationships. Why not score points at home…and at work?!  It can be a “delicious” cycle.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. One example of a talk difference between the two is that Empathizer-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal security, while Instigator-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal power. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?“… “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about the challenge of leadership, and other topics about executive coaching, business consulting, leadership training and communication skills here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.

I love that 1983 oldies song “When A Man Loves A Woman” because it exhorts us to keep our minds focused on passion-filled, rewarding couple talk. And why not? Couples of any type are wise to set good talk habits into motion in a new relationship. Asking open-ended questions, listening to the honest answers, and asking a further elaborating question are all good habits. So is talking any time the mood strikes or the couple mood is struck down.

40 QUESTIONS TO GUIDE GOOD COUPLE TALK

So what are good questions to ask when two people are in love…and want to remain that way? Here are fine examples of open-ended talk questions based on the talk system you will find in my book, TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. Consider this “A Beginner’s Guide To Good Couple Talk.”

1. Do you feel totally free to tell me what you think and feel? Why, or why not?

2. Why do you chose NOT to talk to me, sometimes. Are you afraid to say what you truly think and feel?

3. What ideas or opinions do you feel are inappropriate to share with me, in your mind.

4. Are you afraid of hurting my feelings? How do I react when you hurt my feelings? Do I act like I really don’t want to hear any negative feedback?

5. If telling me the truth leads to some negative consequences, are you still commited to telling me the truth? Would the truth honestly be worth sharing then?

6. What emotions are you most afraid to share with me? Are there any emotions that are off-limits to discussion?

7. What price are you willing to pay for us to get along? Must we always get along and “go along to get along?”

8. What’s the biggest “risk” to you of talking openly, honestly and transparently? What’s the downside? Do you purposefully measure out what to say so I won’t get upset?

9. Do you think I’m a good listener? Why, or why not? Is it best not to say anything, if you don’t have anything nice to say?

10. How do I subtly try to shut you down when you try to talk to me? What topics make me anxious and reactive? How could I respond more authentically to you?

11. Do I have a positive talk attitude, namely, does it seem like anytime is a good time to talk to me? Or do I put you off until later…and later never comes?

12. If I become upset easily when you talk to me, do you back off and stop talking? What topics are forbidden?

13. Do you feel free to speak in an uncensored fashion? To say embarrasing things or tell me thoughts or experiences that you feel ashamed of?

14. Am I too sarcastic? Do I say things like, “Whatever you say, dear!” Or, “Why am I always in the wrong and you’re always right?!” Are these confidence slams or guilt bombs that stop an open dialogue and turn it into a monologue?

15. Do I tell you how to feel? Do I tell you that your feelings are bad, wrong, not the right size? How do I blow you off instead of bringing us together?

16. What worries are you withholding from me now?

17. What one thing stands in our way of having good, open talks…discussions that are totally honest, emotionally genuine, where vulnerabilities are aired and shared…”making talk” and “psychologically naked talking?”

18. What would you say to me IF you could say anything without reprisal or cutting criticism?

19. How do you feel picked on by me…and for what? What meta-message does it send to you to do or not do certain things?

20. What are you hiding from me due to fear of my disapproval?

21. Do you ever feel attacked by me, and how?

22. What idea do you think I hold of you in my mind about how good or bad a communicator you are? Are you careful of what you say because I am unpredictable and you don’t know what I’ll do?

23. Can we talk for the sake of talking instead of shut down and shut up when hurt feelings are running strong? Can we keep on being nurturing toward one another when we have a misunderstanding?

24. Do you ever feel like my mood is a smoking cannon that is ready to blow at any time? Do I handle my anger assertively?

25. Do you ever try to please me at the expense of our relationship? Do you tell me what I might want to hear because you are afraid of conflict?

26. What do you fear most about our getting into a heated conflict? Do we use fair fight rules? Do you feel you fight fair?

27. What do I make you feel guilty for, or about? What words do I use that guilt you? Do you feel free to challenge these guilt trips?

28. When would you not feel free to tell me what you think and feel? Is there a certain topic that you avoid talking about? Work? Extended family? Money? Sex? Worship? The kids, etc.?

29. Which do you fear most, my rejection and disapproval or my retribution and removal or withdrawing from you?

30. What would need to happen for us to talk better?

31. Do I put you down, dismiss or discount you by saying, “Why on earth would you say something like that?! You don’t really mean that!” Are there other talk put offs that I frequently use with you?

32. How can I invite deeper conversations with you? By saying what? Such as, “Would you tell me more about why you say that?”

33. Do I act like you have to agree with me? Can we disagree in a mature manner without anyone going off in an angry huff?

34. How can I encourage vs. discourage keeping our lines of communication open? Do we have open lines of communication?

35. Do I blame you for things beyond your control?

36. Am I supportive of achieving your personal dreams? Of friendships? Of personal growth and change?

37. Do I act like there’s something flawed about what you feel or think? Do I sound like a critical parent who says, “You shouldn’t feel or think that way. That’s not being very nice, now is it?”

38. What one thing could I change that would improve our communication skills?

39. What one thing could you change to improve our communication strategies?

40. What do we stand for as a couple? What is m/y/our idea of what makes a relationship succeed…and what makes a relationship fail?

A GUIDE TO GOOD TALK

On The Big Chill movie soundtrack, you will hear “When a man loves a woman…can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else.” So, set good habits in motion early in a relationship. Use the above questions as a “guide to good talk.” Take your time, build trust and openness as you go. Be aware when you are holding back your truth or disagreement from your partner.

Sure, answering these type of “deep questions” strikes terror into the bravest of hearts. But is it scarier than going through an unwanted divorce or breakup?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady offers his “Guide to Good Talk” as a way of helping couples of every mindset to talk more openly and honestly. Talking openly is an insurance policy that every couple can’t afford to be without. Dr. O’Grady’s book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” will show you how to talk like a pro in minutes to your partner…who will want to talk right back with you…NOW. Dr. O’Grady leads “live workshops” and gives keynote talks on customized topics for your organization or group to improve managerial and leadership communication, too. Over 100 positive communications articles by Dr. O’Grady are available at www.drogrady.com.

Manipulative unfair fights are a form of bad communication that wrecks good relationships. They’re like a tug-of-war of unkind words that makes partners mad and stand-offish. Couples who fail find themselves unmindfully and repeatedly using what doesn’t work, and they simultaneously don’t fix the small actions that net large rewards of goodwill and trust.

WHY USE POSITIVE ANGER TALK TOOLS?

Effective communication strategies fix what is broken…thereby loving couples do what works to feel the love again. Unfair fights are patterns of stale power plays that manipulatively paint the opposing partner as the “BAD and WRONG ONE,” thereby assigning and granting him/her the exclusive power to fix/change the perceived problem. Anger is a choice. You can use the positive anger talk tools below to spur changes that pay huge dividends.

SIGNPOSTS ON THE STREET CALLED “UNFAIR FIGHTS”

Here are SIGNPOSTS that you are speeding down the STREET OF “UNFAIR FIGHTS” and going in the wrong direction (where everyone will lose out on love).

1. HIGH FEAR. When fear is high, your love will take a hike as you use increasingly controlling words and actions in an escalating manner to get a grip on fear. THE FIX: Don’t talk tough and act mad when you are feeling scared.

2. CHANGE PRESSURE. Unfair fights are akin to having a nail in your tire, causing your communication car to swerve unpredictably on the road. THE FIX: Change is possible together if and when you choose to use positive talk tools.

3. INEFFECTIVENESS. When you keep doing what doesn’t work, your mood will swirl like dirty water down a sink drain. THE FIX: Remind yourself that “Although IT takes two to tango…sometimes IT only takes one person to get the couple untangled.”

4. CONFIDENCE SLAMS. Unfair fights zap your confidence, and they make you doubt yourself and your floundering communication skills. THE FIX: Refuse to use “guerilla talk tactics” and revenge paybacks such as “the silent treatment.” Both approaches tatter the confidence you clothe yourself in.

5. STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE. Power plays are manipulative “jive talking” patterns, compulsive bad habits that grow like weeds in the garden of your love. THE FIX: Stand back and then stop whatever you’re doing and saying that doesn’t work. Cease the lazy rationalizing that you or your partner are old dogs TOO set in your ways to make change happen today.

6. MOOD ERUPTIONS. Unfair fights pop the proverbial lid off the pot on the stove. And you know what happens next: water boils over and makes a mess of massive proportions. THE FIX: Take a half-day holiday from the dispute, and work elbow-to-elbow on a task together that shows teamwork.

7. REPEATING PAST PAINFUL RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS. Unfair fights cause an energy drain that fosters a distressing, dry and depressing relationship. THE FIX: Ask yourself, “Why am I giving myself and my partner such a tough and rough way to go…is this masochistic, or what?”

8. SCREAMIN’, CUSSIN’ AND CARRYIN’ ON. A hallmark of unfair fights is “dirty fighting,” where guilt bombs and “the kitchen sink is thrown in,” namely mean and nasty accusations and psychoanalytical critiques are hurled at your partner to get even and hurt him/her. THE FIX: Know that fussin’ and fumin’ don’t fix anything. Instead, they actually make the problem bigger and less solvable because poor communication becomes the problem.

9. THREATS OF ABANDONMENT. Sometimes, you’ll have the feeling that you or your partner have “one foot out the door,” and sometimes you’ll face the actual threat that “I can’t take it anymore and we should end this.” THE FIX: Speak positively, “I think we’re in a communication rut and need help from a communications coach who will referee this fight and teach us better communication moves.”

10. WEDGES AND LEDGES. Bad talk habits predictably drive a wedge between you and your partner and are akin to standing on a high ledge when high winds are blowing…you might get swept off and die in the Ungrand Canyon below. THE FIX: Answer to yourself, “Why am I doing and saying what further drives us apart? Am I afraid of being happy?”

11. NEGATIVE…NEGATIVE…NEGATIVE. Poor communication relays the negative message, “You can’t do anything right, fish guts for brains, because you’re SO negative!” THE FIX: Do something unexpectedly and purposfully positive. Do what you would like done unto you, give the word or action gift that your partner would like, without any expectation of receiving a positive response back. Almost impossible, but useful, when you’ve got nothing left to lose.

12. FEAR OF CONFLICT. Ironically and paradoxically, the fear of conflict is the leading creator of unhealthy conflict. THE FIX: Be wary of ass/u/me(ing) that your partner wants to win a fight at all costs and pay the price of losing out on love for all time.

BLAME THE PATTERN, NOT THE PERSON

When you are fearing abandonment and feeling super-scared, you are prone to keep doing more and more and MORE of what doesn’t work…until you don’t work with your partner and feel the relationship isn’t working or is “too much work” to continue. My advice: You can fix unfair fight patterns by “blaming the pattern, not the person.” To paraphrase a political campaign: “It’s the emotional economy and the unfair fight pattern, stupid!”

Unfair fights can be broken up and reordered at any step. All good couples quickly fall into bad communication patterns. Smart couples “change the channel” of shrill apartness when what they’re seeing, doing and hearing isn’t working. Always remind yourself, “It’s the pattern, stupid!”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a workshop leader who has identified two types of communicator styles at work and home. Empathizer-type communicators tend to “stew” while Instigator communicators tend to “vent.” Both types need to use fair fight tools to navigate around talk accidents, and clean up their side of the two-way talk street to fix unfair fights…including stop giving one another “the silent treatment.”