Posts in category: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Most of us are afraid of heated arguments, conflicts and nose-to-nose arguing…but do you feel in-the-right when you argue…or are you just reacting out of fear with a knee-jerk or a “me-jerk” reaction? Do you fight SO hard to make a point because you are in the right or because you are afraid of being found in the wrong? Or are you just caught up in the emotional moment when you’ll say anything (or avoid talking) to save face?

DO TELL

I thought I would ask our learned readers at www.drogrady.com: “When you argue, how often you feel that you are in the right, probably wrong, both or neither?” Here are the poll results:

WHEN ARGUING I AM…

1. Always right….Zero…0%
2. Always wrong…3.57%
3. Right but taken wrong…10.71%
4. Sometimes right…Sometimes wrong…85.71%

COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGY DISCUSSION:

In my groundbreaking communications theory, Empathizer communicators are sensitive types who are “negotiators” and “compromisers” at heart. Oppositely, Instigator communicators are insensitive types who are “debaters” and “decision makers” at logic. Neither type is right or wrong, just different. For example, if you are an Empathizer-type (E-type) talker, have you ever found yourself backing off from making a good point because you feel intimidated? In reverse, if you are an Instigator-type (I-type) talker have you ever found yourself pushing on while making a bad point because you feel weak if you don’t?

Do you even know which type you are—Empathizer or Instigator communicator—and why it matters so much in the world of productive talking and effective problem-solving? As a communications psychologist, I’ve noticed many well-meaning and intelligent people like you and me can get stuck deep awfully quick in the muck and mud of unproductive arguing, where points are made while the game of productive problem-solving is lost.

NEXT TIME YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A HEATED DEBATE

Here’s a challenge for you the next time your frustration is building because you’re spinning your tires while arguing and finding that nobody is listening, everybody is cutting in and interrupting, and intelligent brainstorming has turned into a tornado that is threatening to level the building of your relationship.

• Ask this: “Do you think you’re in the right on this one?”
• Or, “You sound like you are really sure of yourself. Do you feel you are right or accurate in what you’re saying and suggesting…or do you have some doubts?”
• Or offer this: “I’m not sure if I’m in the right or wrong either. I just wondered if you could repeat what I just said. Do you mind?”

Have a little fun along the way when you are in a difference of opinion that isn’t yielding anything worthwhile and making a friend into a foe.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the new communication system found in his book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” which is available in the resource store at the Web site www.drogrady.com. Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast.

Hey guys, what grade are you getting on your relationship score card? Are you just passing with “C’s,” getting all “A’s” or flunking the communication grade? And if you don’t know how well you are or aren’t performing…then who does? You and I both are hip to the trip that your No. 1 customer is your talk partner…who just may be a GREAT deal more dissatisfied than you realize. More than half of the guys I know run on the “insensitive side” of the street. Do you know where you stand on the talk grading curve with your teacher-partner?

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

“BUT I didn’t know my partner was SO-O bothered!” is a main symptom of ignoring a partner’s feelings. We guys can’t help running on the “insensitive side” of the street without going to a “sensitivity training” seminar. Or can we?

I recommend you ask the following “BIG” question: “Overall, what grade what you give me in our relationship this quarter? I’m serious…don’t laugh. What grade would I get, and why?! Just be totally honest, and don’t worry about hurting my feelings!”

Are you passing with flying colors or are you falling behind without realizing it?

YOUR RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDES AND GRADES

O.K. you’re doing great by asking equally for negative and positive feedback. More questions, HURRAY! Take turns with your partner and honestly answer the following questions. The person who is “less sensitive” should go first, to find out NOW where both of you stand on THE TALK GRADING CURVE.

1. Overall, if you use a grade card for me…what grade would you give me in our relationship? An A, B, C, D, F…or an “I” for incomplete? Be honest!

2. Do I act like I enjoy you and enjoy being around you? Or do you feel like a fixture around here, like a lamp or a table?

3. Do you feel I critique you or make too many comments about your weight or other private and personal habits? Or do I make you feel about as unspecial as a Christmas tree ornament or hood ornament on a car?

4. Do I listen to you without interrupting? Or do I turn a deaf ear to your complaints, or put you down when you have a complaint about me?

5. Do I need friends or family to tell me how good I’ve got IT when it comes to being with you? Or do I guilt trip you for being “too sensitive” or “you’re always over-reacting” and making “mountains out of mole hills” or other personal criticisms?

6. Do I need to be hit by a solid 2×4 piece of wood between the eyes to wake up and smell the coffee and change? Or do I act dumb and fail to get the message that you’re trying to send to me?

7. Do I easily admit when I am acting stupidly or wrong and change my ways without acting like a whinybaby victim? Or do I make “poor me” excuses and blow smoke up your skirt (or down your shirt) to try and get you off my back?

8. Do I ignore your feelings and NOT validate your opinions and experiences? Or do I flip you off, by saying: “Hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

9. Do I look out the window or stare off when you’re talking seriously to me? Or do I act bored when you discuss something painful or stressful to you?

10. Do I do what works and stop doing what doesn’t work in our relationship to improve our communication and feel closer? Or do I act like I’m too stubborn and set in my ways to try something different and new?

11. Do I treat sex like an act instead of a caring interplay? Or do I rarely touch or hug you, smile at you, leave positive voice mails, send funny e-mails or cards to you?

12. Do I listen effectively to disagreements, and can people “get through” to me? Or am I distracted and look around the room in an agitated way when others try to talk to me?

13. Do I enjoy being with y/our kids, and do I equally enjoy talking to y/our kids? Or am I TOO busy to talk?

14. Do I/you act confident about change and change easily? Or am I cocky and believe that I don’t have to change anything because I’m always right and everyone else is always wrong?

15. Do I have faith in a higher power or God? Or am I depending only on myself to control what’s going on?

16. Do I walk all over you to get my way? Or do I get my way at our expense, make unilateral decisions, get away with something and fail to compromise much?

17. Do I always win the arguments or points of debate? Or are you afraid to be honest with me because I might punish or reject you?

18. Do I sound like you’re always picking on me and making my life miserable? Or do I act dense, and say: “I don’t know what you’re talking about because I didn’t know things were this bad!”

TALKING OPENLY AND HONESTLY

When you don’t talk to your partner openly and honestly, your partner will be G-O-N-E. Blunt questions can snap a partner to attention! Weren’t those some GREAT questions to ask your partner, and listen to his or her answers, to determine m/y/our performance? Now, if your partner is pretty shy or really “sensitive”…s/he may not be telling you forcefully enough how you are failing at the basic act of communication. Push on!

DO YOU WANT TO EXCEL OR JUST GET BY IN RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL?

SO what do you want? To do well in communicator school or just get by? Perhaps you can’t afford to fail any grade in communicator school! Just go ahead and ask your partner…who is a great teacher and fair grader to tell you how you’re doing at the subject of “TALK!”

What’s your communicator type? Are you a sensitive or an insensitive communicator…one who just so happens to be a male or a female?! So do you want to excel or just get by in relationship school?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady has researched two new communicator styles, the Empathizers vs. Instigators and written extensively about them in his recently released book called TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. Are men more insensitive due to their gender or social psychological training? In Dr. O’Grady’s communication studies, 37% of all communicators were “insensitive type males” in the sample population, while 18% of communicators are “sensitive type males.” On the other hand, 22% of all communicators were “insensitive type females,” while 23% of all communicators are “sensitive type females.” So much for the “guys tale” that men are the insensitive gender. (See page 130-131 in my book “Talk to Me” for complete results…and more!) By the way, the title of this article was inspired by a 60’s Four Seasons song called, “Walk Like A Man.”

I’ve heard it all…about how a family feud or couple fight was started by the other guy or gal. So why are you and yours even fussin’…fightin’…arguin’… yellin’…cryin’…stompin’…shoutin’? The most common excuse for this type of talk excess is: “BECAUSE THEY started IT…IT wasn’t my fault…BUT I’M NOT going to take it lying down, either!” What a bunch of crazymaking guilt trippin’ excuses to go off on someone nice like you.

PSYCHOBABBLING EXCUSES

There’s never a shortage of excuses for taking anger out in ways that make the speaker feel good and the listener feel like soiled newspaper. These are just a few of the nice-sounding reasons for getting down-and-nasty: “I’m gonna’ rip them a new one like they did me…It’s time to fight instead of roll over…It’s all about settling an old score…If I don’t stick up for myself, no one will…I’ve gotta’ tell them what’s REALLY been on my mind…Somebody’s got to stop lettin’ them get away with all their crap!”

Well, you get the idea…do you know someone who ethically excuses verbal bashing you to make you feel bad with all sorts of “talk excuses?” Who doesn’t, pilgrim.

IT’S NOT MY FAULT…YOU MADE ME DO IT

SO what excuses are used by “the never-wrong personality” to go off on you…or rip into someone you love and care for? These excuses are all aligned with the kind of thinking that says, “I’ll fight with you instead of change my mind or admit I’m wrong!” As such, they’re stark distractions from effective communication and problem solving.

When you hear these PSYCHOBABBLEXCUSES…beware…a spleen is about to be vented all over your face!

1. How many times do I have to tell you? This transaction excuses yelling at kids or bullying employees loud and long for something little. Example: “How many times do I have to tell you to chew your food before you swallow it?!”

2. BUT I don’t do IT ALL the time! This excuse misuses probability theory to get you to back off from confronting an unreasonable behavior but of low-frequency occurrence. Example: “But I don’t have sex without using protection ALL the time?”

3. I did it BECAUSE____. The word “because” becomes the reason for the action, no matter how irrational that “caused” action happens to be. Example: “I don’t talk to you because you don’t talk to me.”

4. I’ve got to tell you how I REALLY feel. This transaction permits the punisher to give you 50 lashes with a twisted leather whip of anger to make you morally think right. Example: “I’ve got to tell you how disapointed I am in your actions, and to let you know what an idiot I think you are.”

5. I’m just TRYING to help you understand. The word “trying” permits anything to be said or done in the name of “trying hard to help you get it through your thick skull and see it my way!” Example: “I’m just trying to help you face up to the painful truth that nobody will ever care for you as much as I do.”

6. You have a hard time owning up to the FACT! This nutty excuse lays an immature guilt trip of blame on your head or shoulders, supposedly as a mature way to encourage you to act more maturely. Example: “You have a hard time owning up to the fact that you’re a bad communicator, don’t you?”

7. I usually don’t reply to such INSULTS, but you have IT coming! This excuse permits insulting the insulter, in the name of fair play, and exempts the customary rules of civility or decency. Thus, a truckload of resentment rocks is dumped on your doorstep to make you change your wicked ways. Example: “I usually don’t reply to such insults but you have IT coming…you’re as worthless as zits on a teen.”

8. Why I just COULDN’T take it anymore. The word “couldn’t” becomes the opening bell or excuse for an “anything goes” talk slug fest with the gloves off. Example: “Why I just couldn’t take you disrespecting me anymore, so I keyed your car, and put nails under your car tires.”

9. I DON’T want to say this BUT I don’t know any other way to put it. This excuse permits saying things that should remain “taboo” or left unsaid for all time. Example: “I don’t want to say this but I don’t know any other way to put it…you’re a fat slob.”

10. HONESTLY, I had NO WAY of knowing. Using the word “honestly” means the person dislikes being honest with you in general, and isn’t being honest with you now. Example: “Honestly, I had no way of knowing that they’ve been stabbing you in the back at work.”

11. Why IT ALL happened so FAST. This excuse implies that so much happened that the speaker couldn’t respond honestly, caringly or show you fair respect or consideration. Example: “Why it all happened so fast I just don’t know what got into me at the New Year’s party.”

12. I was in a STATE of SHOCK. This excuse implies that a negative behavior of another is a surprise, when in fact, the negative behavior is typical of the person. Example: “I was in a state of shock, I just couldn’t believe that Uncle Harry got drunk again at Thanksgiving.”

13. I just REALLY don’t know why THEY____. This excuse implies the speaker doesn’t have to get to the bottom of a problem that is bothering him/her, and others. Example: “I just really don’t know why they get so upset about my getting to work late.”

14. Now don’t you AGREE? This excuse implies that you must not only listen, but you must also agree with the viewpoint of the speaker. Example: “We can’t get anywhere IF you don’t listen to me. Now don’t you agree that I’m right and you’re wrong?!”

KILLING YOU WITH KINDNESS?

Do you know someone close to you who allows verbal bashing of you with these kinds of talk excuses — excuses that sound nice but come out mean and make you feel drained and defensive? Of course, you and I don’t feel good whenever we’re hit in the head with a verbal hammer!

After all, as the old proverb goes, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” I guess then that unfair couple fights really put us all in a pickle.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist and communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, USA. His new communication theory of Empathizer (E-type) vs. Instigator (I-type) communicators is featured in his newly released book TALK TO ME. In Dr. O’Grady’s clinical studies, Empathizer communicators tend to absorb the zings of NegaTalkers, while Instigator communicators tend to shrug off rejections more easily.

Bad communication, is well, bad news. When panicky statements are made by your partner, ignoring them fuels the negative talks to greater heights. Arguing with a partner’s negativity begets mindless counter-arguments. Striking them down causes silence or striking back. So what to you do when words are thrown around your home or workplace like trash, or worse, like a live hand grenade?

Simply put, you take the talk trash to the curb and toss it out. Instead of engaging in intellectual debates, you go for the emotions in the stressful situation. You honestly state your fear, worry, anxiety, helplessness, lack of trust and safety.

CALMING THE WATERS OF A RELATIONSHIP PANIC ATTACK

One talking openly transaction can calm down angry communication waters effectively. The CommTool or transaction to say calmly in the face of an anger-panic attack person is: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

Here’s how to use it (then listen for a new response to respond to) when a RELATIONSHIP PANIC ATTACK is building up force:

1. Angry/anxious partner says: “I’m sick of all this…I want a divorce.”

CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

2. Angry/anxious partner says: “All you do is criticize me…I can’t ever do anything right for you.”

CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

3. Angry/anxious partner says: “I’ve already told you nothing whatsoever is wrong…I wish you would get off my back!”

CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

4. Angry/anxious partner says: “I can’t trust you and I refuse to talk to someone who’s acting like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!”

CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

5. Angry/anxious partner says: “There you go again…always wanting things your way and I don’t have a say…why don’t you just go complain about me some more to your friends!”

CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

6. Angry/anxious partner says: “Why don’t you just admit it, nothing ever makes you happy. You just love to be dramatic and wallow in your own muck and slime!”

CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

7. Angry/anxious partner says: “I would fix this if I could but I can’t. All you want to do is fix or change me. I’m not some dog you dragged home or a fix-it project…leave me alone!”

CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

8. Angry/anxious partner says: “There’s no talking with you. I’ve told you that everything is FINE. Why can’t you just leave good enough alone!”

CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

9. Angry/anxious partner says: “It’s not my fault. I don’t have any complaints. You’re the one at fault here. You expect everything has to be perfect or you get a hair up your butt!”

CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

10. Angry/anxious partner says: “You’re a broken record. All you say is ‘We’ve GOT to talk…We’ve GOT TO TALK NOW.’ You’re just a broken record of complaints and whiny-baby bullcrap!”

CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”

This tool is used when your partner may stomp off, yell or scream, drive recklessly, harangue you on the phone, snub you in public by walking in front of you, or act and say that everything is “O.K.” when everything is “not O.K.” at all.

THERE YOU GO AGAIN

In a two-way relationship, talking during tense or conflictual times is an art form. Good communication is often the art of not making things worse, while you talk non-defensively about how the relationship bridge has been blown apart to smithereens.

When a relationship-centered panic attack threatens to spill over into your personal world and peace of mind, say calmly: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW!” This genuine and open transaction filled with caring and vulnerability, will invite your partner to calm down…think more clearly…and prime their mind for something new to happen on the relationship stage.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist who teaches trainees how to talk under fire, in ways that don’t pour gasoline on a burning resentment fire. His “directive questioning” and “assertive responding” approach that focuses on positive tools to eliminate negative arguing is highlighted in his new book TALK TO ME. Dennis is also a business consultant who runs “Leadership Talks” (and baloney walks!) and interpersonal communication programs.

“I’m married to the most difficult man in the world!” a communications client recently told me. “And when I try to talk to him, I end up shutting down and not saying anything…which isn’t doing any good for our marriage.” She then added ruefully, “He thinks I’m irrational and silly, and that there’s nothing wrong with us and that the only wrong is just me. Am I the one who’s at fault?!”