Posts in category: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

The surest route to happiness is to grow and change! Easing stress is your job because you alone live full-time in your skin. Are you worth it? You know best. Moreover, one thing as certain as death and taxes is, “The Only Thing We Can Change Is Ourselves!”

Participants in my workshops keep a select journal of private points that can make a BIG difference in their life when USED. This is an example of a “gold nuggets and gold advice” idea sheet that helped one participant turn the tide on change.

“GOLD CHANGE ADVICE” PERSONAL QUOTE NOTES

1. “We can only change ourselves!”

2. “I can only change myself!”

3. “Complaining isn’t changing!”

4. “If I am too slow to change I will lose the change race!”

5. “Making “Yes BUT…” excuses is a lame blame game.

6. “I need to apply my ‘gold advice’ to my own life.

7. “If I think I’m not ever stressed or angry…than I’m not paying attention and feeling more zapped than I know.”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady offers CHANGE MANAGEMENT WORKSHOPS to governmental and privately-held entrepreneurial companies, and is the developer of a revolutionary new tested communication theory showcased in “TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone.” Dennis is also the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing” at www.drogrady.com

The insensitive communicator uses the art of guerilla attack talk tactics to slam your confidence and pass the buck of blame. An anger communicator, in fact, uses hypnotic mind-altering suggestions to make him/herself feel higher up and you lower down. Why would they act so mean? Well, it works.

What are some examples of these bad talk tactics…and better assertive replies? I will use a common “blaming attack” followed by an “assertive counter-response.”

1. Blame game: You always think you’re right.
2. Assertive response: I don’t “always” think I’m right…but many times I am right. What’s your point?

1. Blame game: You’re full of yourself.
2. Assertive response: Actually, my confidence could use some boosting now and then. Since I wish I always felt really confident and on top-of-the-world…what’s your point?

1. Blame game: You’re not committed.
2. Assertive response: You’re right. I’m not committed to unfair fights and bad talk habits. What’s your point?

1. Blame game: There you go again.
2. Assertive response: There I go again, what? What’s your point?

1. Blame game: You’re SO stubborn.
2. Assertive response: I do have a strong will. What’s your point?

1. Blame game: Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.
2. Assertive response: The point is whether or not what you do is good enough for you. What’s your point…what are you trying to get at here?

1. Blame game: You aren’t a very good communicator.
2. Assertive response: What’s your point? What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?

1. Blame game: You’re always so negative.
2. Assertive response: I agree that we need to speak/act more positively. What’s your point? Are you trying to tell me how you’re going to go about doing that?

Guerilla attack guilt trips, slams, shaming and blaming, arguing, power plays, one-upping, personality attacks, sounding confident…are all dismissively aggressive talk tactics that strive to zap your confidence and make you doubt your intuitions.

Effective talking isn’t about “right vs. wrong” BUT about “what works vs. what isn’t working.” Assertively say, “What’s your point?” Or, better yet, “What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?” for a change of pace in the tug-of-war called miscommunication.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady teaches how to effectively handle insensitive or anger communicators and guilt bombers who try to run your self-esteem down into the ground by using mind games in his book TALK TO ME.

At various times, I will post available community resources called “Talking Helps” that focus on improving positive and effective communication skills for men and women who walk-the-talk, found in, “Talk to Me: Communication moves to get along with anyone.”

The ManKind Project includes over 25,000 men world-wide who have learned and are continuing to practice skills of emotional literacy, integrity, accountability and honest, direct communication. Men who have experienced the conscious approach to mature masculine development through involvement in The Mankind Project describe:

Breaking through life-long barriers

Connecting to feelings

Journeying from head to heart

Giving up inappropriate dependencies

Discovering true male friendships

Enhancing relationships with women

Becoming better fathers

Learning to accept deep support from men

Looking forward to becoming an elder

Robert Moore, Jungian analyst and author of King, Warrior, Magician, Lover has described the ManKind Project’s work as the single most important opportunity for men who wish to reclaim their mature masculinity.

You can check out The ManKind Project internationally at www.mkp.org and in Ohio at www.ohio.mkp.org. In Metro Dayton you can contact Jerry Knapke at sjknapke@aol.com or 937-657-7588.

As a psychologist and communications consultant, I lead a very interesting life, and I get asked many curious questions like this one, “Dr. O’Grady, do you have mother issues?” Well, I’m glad to blithely agree that, of course I have “mother issues!” Whoever has a mother has mother issues, right?

Hi, MOM! Happy Mother’s Day, MA!! Mom…you inspire love and hope to take place when hate is in the starting gates at the beginning of the race. Your voice and wise words are ALL-ways music to my ears!

Dear MA:

Happy Mother’s Day to you today!

Just wanted to let you know that you are the best MOM in the whole wide world! I am SO glad that we have a “real” relationship that is we-centered instead of me-centered. You’ve taught me that life is best traveled on a two-way communicator highway.

You’ve also pulled my butt out of the fire more times than I can ever repay. I’ve learned what “unconditional love” is from you…to stand by those you truly love who’ve been knocked down by life and feel plain, plumb dumb. And you’ve walked beside me whenever I made some pretty dumb life decisions (and experienced the consequences) BUT learned, changed, matured and moved on. I sure have learned to appreciate communication tools and handling moods from you.

As you know, I’m against “perfect”…including “the perfect mother” or “the perfect son/daughter.” Trying to be perfect is “perfectly insane.” I’ve also learned from/with you that, “The harder I try to control…the behinder I get!” Or, “The more I let go the more life goes the way life wants me to travel.” Ironically, I make the mistake of trying to control what I can’t control…and fail to exert control over what I can control.

I DO appreciate that you didn’t give me a hard time about becoming a psychologist. I love being a “talk therapy” psychologist, although as you’ve correctly guessed, it can be pretty emotionally draining and grueling some days. Hearing painful life stories, and hanging in there while the ashes of grief settle and new growth occurs, is not for the weak-of-heart. I do find that providing “meaningful service” to others is what life’s all about for me.

Well, you’re probably enjoying your beautiful day sitting by Al and Ginny’s lanai and hearing the babbling sound of the whirlpool cascading into their pool. You told me Al is going to grill? Hey, everything my older bro’ ever needed to know about grilling…I taught him! Right bro’? So glad we are ALL connected for all time. Hi Ginny!! For I am your very lucky-second son who knows how to double-up on your love.

Have you told Al yet that I am your favorite Smothers’ brothers son? Sibling rivalry aside, thanks for being my mom, Mom. I know it’s been a LONG while since Dad passed away…and I, too, miss him more than anything. BUT I’m more thankful than ever that we still all have each other to talk and listen to.

Mom you have repeatedly given me hope when I’ve been surrounded by darkness and fear. You’ve taught me that “There’s nothing to fear, including fear itself.” You’ve encouraged me to be emotionally honest and relationally literate. You’ve boosted my spirits in countless ways in the 50-plus years we’ve been together. And when I’ve felt like a complete idiot and failure, you haven’t scolded me with a “I told you so, Denny!” And when I’ve done good being a loving husband and father…you’ve rejoiced.

You are the way of LOVE MOM.

Your loving son,

Denny

Reader P.S.: I’ve dedicated my upcoming book “Talk to Me: Communication moves to get along with anyone” to Mom. Me-mum and I have grown closer through the years…as I’ve learned more about her personal journey and struggles and Mom has been a part of my life “oops.” Frankly, when I’ve most needed my mom to be there for me, she arrives on the talk crash scene with a confident air and solutions in hand.

Do I have mother issues? I hope so, because I DO SO love my mom and know the “real” woman that makes up that whopping psychological “imago” of “the perfect image of the perfect mom.” I prefer the Real Merrill-O’Grady. LUV YOU, MOM!!!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the proud adult son of his beloved elder mother Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady, and a clinical psychologist who practices in Dayton, Ohio. His forthcoming book TALK TO ME is dedicated to his mother, Betty.

When people feel stuck and frustrated, it is often their fear of change that is causing the problem. When that fear is too strong-as it is in the workplace today-people are afraid to change. That is because they are under great stress and feel out of control.

There are five major fears of change. I rank these according to what corporate communication coaching clients and nationwide audiences have told me.

Usually PEOPLE WHO FEAR CHANGE experience at least one (or more) of the following normal change fears.

1. Fear of the Unknown. Why do men or women fear committing to learning new communication skills at work or in a romantic relationship? Why does taking a new job seem SO scary? We are most at ease when we are completely familiar with our surroundings and sure of what the future holds for us. As a result, fear of the unknown, and staying in our comfort zones or boxes, can paralyze us.

2. Fear of Failure. Typical questions you might ask yourself are, What IF after I try it, it doesn’t work out and I look foolish? Won’t I be a laughingstock? Will I be perceived to a big, fat loser? People expect to get everything right the first time, instead of taking their time to work things out and getting them right at some time.