Posts in category: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

ARE YOU GOOD TO YOUR BELOVED?

Will You Be Good To Me is a poem I wrote to help couples improve the quality of their life together. The stanzas are written from the viewpoint of a sensitive Empathizer communicator who is feeling ignored and taken for granted by an indifferent Instigator partner.

WILL YOU BE GOOD TO ME?

Will you let me know in little ways how important I am to you each day?
Will you see me through fresh new eyes each morning?
Will you hear my words with non-judgmental ears?
Will you give me a hug when I feel overwhelmed without my asking?

Or will you be too busy to call me from work …
Look at me through cold, cynical eyes in the morning …
Judge me as too needy if I need to talk to you …
Scold me for wanting a hug when you’re rushed!

Will you still love me when I disagree respectfully with you?
Will you still remember that I’m a good man or a good woman when you’re mad at me?
Will you accept my disappointments without becoming defensive?
Will you accept my vulnerability and not attack or lambaste me?

Or will you put me down when I disagree with you …
Call me bad names when you’re mad at me …
Give me grief instead of hearing my grief …
Disappear when I’m distraught!

Will you confront me when I shred your self-esteem?
Will you remind me how I’m good enough when I doubt myself?
Will you make regular deposits in our bank account of love?
Will you forgive me for being far less than I can be?

Or will you ignore my complaints …
Lay a guilt trip on me that I’m being too selfish …
Treat the dog better than you treat me …
Blame me for not living up to your expectations!

Will you kiss me when you don’t have time to?
Will you be excited and happy to buy me presents?
Will you set limits with me when I talk stupidly?
Will you hold my hand in the grocery store?

Or will you love me when you’re not so busy …
Get more thrilled about the bills than me …
Stuff your anger and steam when I speak stupidly …
Walk in front of me when we’re out together!

Will you be good to me?
And love me even when I don’t show up to love myself?

ARE YOU LOVING AN EMPATHIZER-TYPE COMMUNICATOR?

If your loved one is sensitive, emotional, thin-skinned, dislikes arguing, is easy-going and compromises easily, then your co-communicator is likely an Empathizer communicator. Conversely, if your loved one is insensitive, doesn’t sit back, likes to be in control, is thick-skinned, enjoys debating points, and has a strong personality type, then your partner is likely the opposite talk type or an Instigator communicator.

You can test your type and receive a free and private report of your communicator type at http://www.drogrady.com/type.php

RELATIONSHIP EFFECTIVENESS PROGRAM

My heart always leaps for joy when I work with a couple who wants to improve their communication skills, before they get married. Why? Research has shown that when a couple invests a few hours, before they get married, in communication training with a professional psychologist, it’s like they’re taking out an insurance policy to prevent divorce. Could exploring relationship talk patterns really be that important?

WHAT A COUPLE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT GOOD COMMUNICATION, BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED

Communication-wise, an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure or treatment. In just a few meetings, the couple and I take a good look at and talk deeply about potential pitfalls and walls which they would likely encounter as a newly married couple. Then we discuss and brainstorm ways to deal with those situations.

1. YOU CAN’T COMPARE APPLES AND ORANGES. Your communicator type counts for so much because you’re either an apple or orange in the communication orchard. Statistically, the typical pattern is for your partner to have the opposite of your communicator type. For example, the woman would be an Empathizer-type communicator, while the man is an Instigator-type communicator. Opposites do seem to attract, but will the bond last? If you don’t know about the two communicator types, you are driving with one-eye closed on a very busy, two-way communicator highway!

2. COMMUNICATOR KNOWLEDGE UNLEASHES THE POWER OF A POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDE. In a typical in-love couple, many misunderstandings will occur, causing hurt feelings and resentments to take hold and flourish. With knowledge of the key differences in attitude for Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators, you will avoid taking many unwanted wrong turns and detours on the Communicator Highway. Isn’t avoiding costly communication mistakes worth the price of a few hours spent with a relationship communications psychologist or the price of a book on good communication? Of course!

3. BAD COMMUNICATION HABITS ARE EASY TO COME BY. Under stress, couples-in-trouble easily adopt bad communication habits that stick if they are not replaced with appropriate communication habits. Why? We haven’t been taught how to quickly and courteously quell someone who constantly interrupts, talks down to, or rebuffs. Bad communication habits, power plays, and silent standoffs are disrupted by using the Talk2Me© effective communication system.

4. THE ROAD MAP. Couples co-create their own marriage as co-communicators. Nothing happens by chance. What is the road map for your journey together through a long and loving life together? Where does this map come from? During one of our meetings, I have the couple list 12 positive relationship attitudes they each would like to see in their marriage. For example, “To talk openly about anything without blaming anyone.” “To enjoy healthy friendships with other couples.” “To encourage robust sexuality.” “To stick within our financial budget and enjoy our prosperity.”

5. BUMPS IN THE ROAD. Although occasional discord is quite common between the partners in a newly married couple, they often panic when things aren’t peachy. But the bumps in the road can make your communicator car feel as if it were hanging over a cliff, held in place by the thinnest of threads, ready to crash and burn below in a canyon of worry. To prepare for such times, we identity challenges the couple must face together, free of fear. For example, whether to loan money to a family member; how to deal with pesky in-laws who put the couple on the outs; loss of a beloved mother or father; relocation due to career advancement or change; rules to disrupt unfair fights and how to sincerely apologize; avocational and religious observations; when to have kids and how to parent; and how to address — and change — bad habits, such as alcohol abuse or excessive worrying.

6. AFFIXING BLAME FIXES NOTHING. Unproductive blame games are the bane of every loving couple. It’s SO-O easy to blame the person instead of the problem…and then a partner can feel guilty and withdraw, causing more hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and misinterpretations. The point isn’t to point a finger of blame, but rather to fix problems in little steps without hurrying, steadily improving the couples’ confidence that together they are good communicators during sunny and stormy times. Pre-marital counseling identifies dead-end talk alleys to avoid, while it provides the tools to use on a detour.

7. LOVE IS A TWO-SIDED COIN. Love will make you feel everything you are afraid of feeling, so that you are able to heal old wounds and get rid of all that guilt baggage you no longer need to carry. But partners can turn white from fear when good feelings turn into ugly dark feelings. Not to worry! Love will sometimes seem lost, or missing in communication action. But, in reality it is very strong behind-the-scenes. Unfortunately, only an experienced couple knows this to be true, while the inexperienced couple must accept this fact on faith.

8. REMOVING RESENTMENTS. Fights happen. Having the same stupid fight over and over again happens. Each individual has a set of implied talk rules to create fairness, equality, and respect. I believe that each partner is 50% co-responsible for making things right when the apple cart has been turned over. Otherwise, stupid turns on the Talk Highway will end in each partner’s being a back-seat driver, angering the partner who’s driving. Walls of resentment kill happiness, peace of mind, and fun sexuality.

9. WHO’S TO BLAME FOR THIS MESS? No one is to blame. That’s right, no one is to blame. However, there is a problem to fix, through an open-minded discussion of alternatives and utilization of new talk strategies. Hard fact: Each partner who blames the person of the other partner for problems instead of the communicator type of the other partner, is being self-defeating. Intimate knowledge of your communicator type and how to employ the characteristics and talk strategies of the opposite type, makes for smoother traveling on the two-way communicator highway.

YOU DON’T CARE…YOU’RE NOT LISTENING…YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND…WHY DON’T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME?

Debating doesn’t work to any great extent to advance good communication. Truly listening to divergent, rich, and different viewpoints does work. Talking negatively, such as, “You just don’t understand!” increases negative feelings. The last third of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, focuses on talking positively during emotional times. Why take the time and make the effort? Negative feelings increase the chance for negative actions to occur, causing your communicator car to crash far from home. You no longer have to walk alone when you use the new talk technology at your disposal in Talk to Me.

WHO IS TALK DOC DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., provides pre-marital counseling, marriage counseling, and relationship communication coaching in Dayton, Ohio. Dennis is the author of the powerful new communication system found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone.” Talk2Me© quickly helps you understand your and your talk partner’s communicator types. Also provided are talk tools and strategies which help you converse effectively when emotions are high and logic is low. The Talk2Me© system is used in corporate training, too, since good communication principles are similar at home and work. Dr. O’Grady is available by phone at (937) 428-0724 or at dennis@drogrady.com.

YOUR ROADMAP FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Do you have a “roadmap” for a successful relationship or marriage, framed and hanging on a wall in your home? Of course you do. You wouldn’t leave from home on a long trip without consulting a map or expert regarding your travel plans. As a marriage counselor, the first question I ask is: “What are you two planning to create together? What do you want your life to stand for?” I believe in using maps to get where you want to go on the two-way communicator highway. Without one, you might take a scenic ride that proves disappointing, regardless of the views.

OUR ROADMAP FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

What does a roadmap for a successful marriage look like in black and white, and could the roadmap be more interesting and easier to follow if some color were added? Today in a pre-marital counseling session using the Talk2Me system, I popped the question to a twenties-something couple motivated to achieve good communication. In fact, the woman was an Empathizer communicator (Intuiter) and the man was an Instigator (Inventor) communicator. Here are their “What we’ll create together…” answers:

1. Happiness—personal
2. Happiness—as a couple
3. Trust—goodwill
4. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
5. Honesty
6. Healthy body
7. Healthy mind
8. Healthy spirit
9. Fun—and spice
10. Stability—and security
11. Grow—together
12. Grow—from separate individual friendships
13. Communicate openly

WORDS, WITHOUT A PLENTITUDE OF POSITIVE ACTIONS, ARE CHEAP

Talk is cheap. The pillars of trust, honesty, respect, and happiness which form the framework for your union, must be backed up with daily positive actions of both talk partners. To act compassionately or lovingly when you are ill or you’ve had a bad day, is the epitome of good communication. And yes, each communicator type struggles with an Achilles’ heel, which the opposite type would do well to understand. Not complimenting enough, making unilateral financial decisions and discouraging independent friendships or activities are three bumps in the road that couples commonly encounter. A couple must grow apart, in new or continued friendships, if they are to grow together. Growth is crucial to keep a marriage viable and gratifying.

SHOULDN’T IT BE HARD WORK?

Well, where’s the map for your two-way communication highway journey of life spent together? On what wall in your home do you have your map proudly displayed? Is the map gradually taking on color? Without a map, how are you going to be able to steer around the detours, orange barrels, and bumps in the road without ending up in the ditch? Smart couples balance the big work of marriage with scenic side trips and excursions. The kid in every adult craves to get out every now and again, if just for a few hours. Taking for granted the person you’ve taken for your life-long mate, is akin to taking the same medications, day in and day out, without ever reassessing their effectiveness. Why take a chance on passing up something new that could provide real relief? Reassess your mate’s qualities on a daily basis, then let the compliments flow. You’ll find that such actions will function like a homing device in your car as you glide down the Communicator Highway, all the while adding brilliant splashes of color to the black and white map that grows old on the wall….

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, pre-marital counselor, marriage counselor, and relationship communication coach. He wrote the book on good communication called Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, which is available at drogrady.com or amazon. Dennis also provides keynote speeches and corporate training on the utilization of effective communication tools.

HAVE YOU LOST THAT L-O-V-I-N-G FEELING?

Have you lost that loving feeling? In my relationship communications coaching, I hear: “I love my partner but I’m not in love with him or her anymore.” Whoa, let’s slow down here. Love isn’t indestructible. It’s rather like a crystal vase, a beautiful, fragile vessel that shatters against the rough treatment of a hardened heart. But can you really fall out of love? Perhaps love is not enough, because one-third of couples report being “in love” vs. the other two-thirds who simply “like the security” of a partnership.

YOU’VE LOST THAT LOVING FEELING FOR YOUR LIFE PARTNER?

How to know if your partner has fallen out of love with you, and just isn’t into being with you….

LOVE IS LOST WHEN…

1. YOUR PARTNER TALKS DOWN TO YOU.

2. YOU FEEL DISRESPECTED. Your partner doesn’t keep you in the loop of what’s happening and why.

3. YOUR PARTNER HAS A COLD HEART, CLOSED MIND, WANDERING EYES…in short, more important time and energy commitments than you.

4. YOU TWO NO LONGER ‘CLICK’. Your partner practices values or voices ideas that no longer click with your sense of how you are and what you’re striving to become.

5. YOU DISLIKE EXTENDING YOURSELF. You no longer want to go out of your way for your partner, to extend yourself to a partner’s friends, family, work, or church associates.

6. CONVERSATIONS WHICH ARE TOO CONFRONTATIONAL. Arguments that go nowhere are the norm, and conversations easily become debative and neglectful of compromise.

7. CIVILITY IS SHATTERED. Simple agreements are broken, such as tasks which should be easily completed, but are not finished in a timely fashion.

8. THE RELATIONSHIP GLASS IS EMPTY, SAVE FOR THE PESSIMISM. Negativity: makes you dread coming home or having to talk with your partner; fills your home; and keeps draining your energy and love of life.

9. YOU AVOID PRIVATE TIME WITH YOUR PARTNER. Partners avoid sharing alone time together, instead focusing on hobbies, the kids, or work responsibilities.

10. A PARTNER REVERTS TO HIS OR HER OLD WAYS. A partner doesn’t want to feel forced to change. Some changes may be attempted at first, when trying to repair relationship problems is expected, but then the same old habitual patterns surface in a very short time.

11. HELPING IS HURTING. When one partner tries to help the other partner, but consistently feels hurt or feels like the loser during the interchange.

12. EACH PARTNER PUTS A MAGNIFYING GLASS ON PERCEIVED NEGATIVES, amplifying how bad things supposedly are, in areas such as personal flaws or relational weaknesses…and no one can seem to move out of that rut.

13. PARTNER DISTRUST AND DISGUST. This is a sure sign that resentment is squeezing out and replacing love.

14. FAMILY MEMBERS TAKE SIDES. Casting votes of disapproval about how right vs. wrong you are as a couple unit.

15. YOU EXPERIENCE DISAPPOINTING EXPECTATIONS. You’re wrapped around the axle of your partner, and you feel frustrated or fragmented by what your partner chooses to do, or not do.

ARE YOU SAILING ON A SHIP OF LOVE OR A SHIP OF FOOLS?

Miscommunication in particular, and communication issues in general, can quickly turn your Ship of Love into a Ship of Fools.

CAN’T SEEM TO MOVE ON PAST THE PAST?

Can’t seem to get past the past? Then give your relationship one last try by studying and using the Talk to Me© communication system. You’ve got nothing to lose but big bad feelings, which don’t deserve to make you feel small.

WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton region communications psychologist and relationship communications coach. Dennis wears two hats, one of corporate trainer in leadership communication skills, and the other as a couple communications expert. Dr. O’Grady’s clinical research proves that there is much you can do on your own to become a better communicator, to stop spinning your tires in a rut of dissatisfaction and frustration. Once you begin to understand the 12 dimensions of your communicator type, as an Empathizer or Instigator communicator, new doors and windows open to powerful new ways of communication, enabling you to drive more compassionately and effectively on the two-way communicator highway. Dennis’s third book is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, which is available at Amazon and www.drogrady.com.

GOOD TALK VIBRATIONS

Have you completed the Family Communication Challenge? It’s a great way to get good vibrations going in your family relationship system and in the couple unit. It’s a powerful communication tool and exercise that I frequently employ in positive and effective couple and family communications training, while using the Talk To Me© system. What is involved in this Challenge? Each person in the team canoe — for example the husband and wife, or kids and teens — separately makes a list of 10 positive talk trends that each would like to see incorporated into the family climate mix. Pure genius: This takes away the distracting focus of what’s not happening and places the spotlight on the target of what needs to happen for everyone to feel pretty good.

LET GO OF WHAT ISN’T WORKING AND TRY DOING WHAT WILL WORK BETTER

What 10 positives would you like to co-create and incorporate into your family relationships? Focusing on what isn’t working doesn’t address the positives that need to be added or how to correct the negatives. Allow a few minutes for each family member to create a list, then have all the lists brought to the Communicator Table for discussion. Once each other’s lists are shared, everyone will notice that many of the individual positives are repeated in other group members’ lists. All that’s left to do is to make a master list of these positive communication roadsigns to post on the refrigerator to light your way during dark times. In doing this, each family member is equally invested in making change happen fast and in working to see that the changes last.

ADD POSITIVES TO CORRECT THE NEGATIVES

One inventive Instigator father of high family character, who wanted to turn the rust of family conflict into golden opportunities for harmony, created this list of positives he hoped to see incorporated into family life:

1. BE NICE. Have open communication where it’s not my way or no way.

2. BE MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE. Encourage a more touchy-feely and huggy atmosphere every day.

3. BE RESPECTFUL. I want to see more demonstrations of positive mother-and-daughter communication.

4. BE CALM. Remove angry tones and voices when conversing.

5. BE JUST. Lay down the rules, then discuss with everyone how the rules will impact the talk climate in the home.

6. BE FAIR. Require each person to help with chores around the house and in the yard.

7. BE CONFIDENT. Encourage the development of each individual’s self-confidence, which will feed into positive peer and parent relationships.

8. BE INDEPENDENT. Do more for yourself than you expect others to do for you.

9. BE A CHANGE SEEKER. You’ve got to keep the change going until it’s embedded in your lifestyle, family, communication, relationships.

10. BE A LOVING COUPLE. Take time as a couple to be affectionate, away from the duties of parenting.

Will any of these positives be found in one or more of the lists your family members make?

TEEN COMMUNICATION: HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH A PARENT WHO IS STRONG-WILLED

Family communication conflicts that don’t resolve problems, mangle the mood of everyone in the house. Here’s how one communications client put it:

I feel like things in the family are so much better now. My wife, teenage daughter, and I were falling into a communication pit. There was always an escalating conflict situation that involved yelling. We were absolute toast, fried, pouring gasoline on the fire. I’d even wondered in the past if I should get out of the house. Now I’m relieved not to be rehashing arguments that solved nothing. With your help, we’re not repeating mistakes that made our family unit spiral downward. It’s weird how easy it is to keep talking about what isn’t working instead of spending energy on what would work better if everyone would just stop putting nails under each other’s communicator car tires.

NOTHING TO FEAR

There is no better person to be than yourself. Your fears tend to steer your communicator car into a ditch, but there is really nothing to fear. Do you speak with confidence? Do you stick to your positive focus when those around you have lost their heads, due to mood rushes and traffic jams caused by negative feelings? To change everything, keep mindful of what you’re about as a good communicator.

THE MIRACLE OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

When you demonstrate consistent, positive change in your communication style, which is experienced by others as your personality, your partner will miraculously change for the better, too. When you talk positively, this helps to co-create positive changes in your talk partner’s viewpoint, and it opens up new avenues and approaches to real life problem solving. That’s why I call using the Talk2Me approach the Miracle of Good Communication.

ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association and a corporate trainer and couples communications coach. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal.