Posts in category: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

I’M ONLY TEASING

“I’ve got to check with THE WIFE!” communicates what to you? I often hear this statement from guys, and it knocks my psychotherapist hat off. Said sarcastically by a strong-willed decider, Instigator-type communicator, what does this spoken transaction imply when psychoanalyzed under the Talk to Me© microscope? And how might “the wife,” who is typically an Empathizer-type communicator, feel about being referred to in this humorous manner?

SARCASM OR ASSERTIVE TALKING?

What does “I’ve got to check with THE WIFE!” imply or shout out to you and yours?

1. IT SOUNDS INSENSITIVE implies that the partner has a sensitivity problem or is oppressive….Akin to “I’ve got to check with the boss!”

2. IT’S IMPERSONAL implies a lack of commitment to clear communication.

3. IT’S NITPICKING. “I need to check WITH my wife….” sounds warmer and more respectful.

4. SHOWS LACK OF OWNERSHIP, which makes the person more of an object and a focus of complaining.

5. WOMAN’S GOT THE POWER? This implies that a wife makes all the important relationship calls and has the power to wield the final vote on important decisions.

6. IT DEPERSONALIZES….Sounds like one’s wife isn’t a flesh-and-blood human being who needs TLC.

7. IT SOUNDS DEMEANING. Men aren’t wimpy boys who kick little puppy dogs, are they?

How about me? What do I do? I make all the communication mistakes I teach about. Check with THE wife? Nah. I’ve first got to check with myself, to determine if I want to invest in the buddy relationship, and then I might TALK WITH my wife.

ARE YOU AN INSENSITIVE BOOB?

Instigator communicators are great teasers and can wield the knife of sarcasm or frosty silence like a surgeon. Those I-types who are married to Empathizers, don’t understand how E-types dwell on these “little word games that don’t mean anything.” One client said, “Why do I have to be so careful with my chosen words? My wife sits and mulls things over and goes into a quiet depressive funk thinking about it and then blurts out blurbs of what has been bothering her for weeks! How am I supposed to deal with that?!” How? By using words that are truthful and accurate.

DID YOU MEAN WHAT YOU JUST SAID?

An assertive E-type comeback is, “Did you mean what you just said, or are you just kidding?!” That assertion cuts through confusing communication. “Why should I have to watch my words?!” you say? In fact, one I-type fires back to his wife: “Well, what did I actually say?!” Not funny….

ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association and is a clinical professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal.

BLACK ICE ON THE RELATIONSHIP HIGHWAY

When is it a good time to talk? We don’t mean to neglect our relationships at home or avoid communicating. But it takes time to prepare to communicate: you must warm up, make sure your mental toughness is on par, keep your thoughts on track, and a whole bunch of doing-the-new when your energy might be taxed and your nerves strained by a tough day at work. Each of us, at times, becomes overwhelmed by the demands of the day, and we seek refuge in our homes, where we can let down our hair and veg out to recharge our batteries. So when nerves are frayed, and emotions freeze up like black ice on two-way talk highway, how can we avoid skidding off into a ditch in our intimate relationships?

WHEN SHE’S AT HER BEST, I’M AT MY WORST, AND THAT’S WHEN WE GET INTO ARGUMENTS

Duh. Costly communication mistakes are easy to make, particularly at home, where everything feels more personal. Due to ignorance, you may not have realized that your partner may believe, feel, talk, and act differently than you do when tired or emotionally distressed. One Talk to Me© trainee put it quite bluntly:

I don’t want to deal with more issues when I come home. My partner, though, is passionate, assertive, and has high expectations. I work hard, and I work long hours in a responsible position. The energy burn at work is enormous. When I come home I’m tired and I want to spend just a little time relaxing. The last thing I want to do is come home to another set of problems. And that’s when we can get into an argument. The mistake I’ve made in the past is not to tell my partner why I’m just sitting there like a bump on a log. So, should we have to schedule a time to talk, or what?!

What do you have in common? Plenty! You have mutual interests, desires, and goals on which to build a relationship. It’s how you express and deal with those interests, desires, and goals that can get you into trouble. Don’t get too focused on the two different communication styles and deflect good talk.

TALK IN THE LANGUAGE YOUR PARTNER WALKS

Help is here! Chances are your life partner is your opposite communicator type. Here’s how that works:

I. Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are the non-demanding, silent types, who will stuff their emotions and smile through the pain. Complaining will come out in emotional bursts of: “I don’t appreciate not being appreciated.”

II. Instigator-type (I-type) communicators are the thick-skinned, noisy types, who will boldly share their frustrations and grimace through the pain. Complaining will come out in logical demands of: “Then we need a logical plan of action here.”

Neither style is better or worse. The point is to talk the language your partner walks to obtain the best results. After all, good communication begins with you!

RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: IT’S ALWAYS PERSONAL, AND RARELY LOGICAL

“It’s nothing personal, it’s only business…” is a saying that is completely reversed at home in your closest relationships. In fact, we expect MORE from those we know and love. Thus, “It’s always personal, and rarely logical…” better describes partner and co-parent expectations. Here’s what you and your talk partner expect, and resent, when shortchanged:

• Immediate and easy access to your talk partner
• Drop everything to listen
• Deal with conflicts constructively
• Perform even when tired or fatigued
• Go the extra mile and smile
• Talk honestly
• Make time for long and involved conversations
• Speak of emotions adroitly
• Immediately make time to talk when pressure mounts

Not too much to expect of a champion communicator, like yourself, right?

TODAY’S TALK TIP: MAKE SURE THE TALK INTENTIONS ARE CLEAR

Find the middle ground and avoid becoming polarized because of your talk types. Here’s how:

1. State your positive intention — that you will work hard and learn fast to communicate more effectively. Example: “I want to give you my full attention, but I’m exhausted right now.”

2. Talk in the language your talk partner prefers and has an easier time hearing. Use emotional language for E-types, and use logical language for I-types. Example: “I want you to know how much I appreciate (E-type) — or respect (I-type) — where you’re coming from.

3. Be open about what you’re feeling and experiencing. Example: “I just need a little time to unwind….” can be a small change that nets big dividends.

4. Don’t erect a wall. You must not throw up the wall or put on the armor and get defensive. Example: “It’s not your fault. I’m simply bushed. When’s a better time to talk?”

5. Avoid distracting arguments. You don’t want to avoid deflection, but you do want to encourage reflection. Example: “I don’t want to get into a fight with you and distract ourselves from the challenges of closeness.”

6. Change now. You can teach old dogs new tricks as you learn to drive down new talk avenues. Example: “The change I’m trying to make is to schedule a time to talk on a regular basis.”

7. Fail forward. You can make mistakes and learn from them. Example: “I just want to connect with you when you come home; maybe a quick hug will send the right message until you are able to unwind.”

REMOVE THE BARRIERS TO GOOD TALK

We all need to avoid setting up a partner to go off or to feel unduly frustrated. How? We can listen and talk in the language of our partner. But if the communication styles are so different, then how can we make time to talk? By focusing on the middle ground and not on the extremes, by accepting the other’s style and methods without fighting them.

DEEP CLOSENESS & EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION

Perfect love is when your heart leaps for joy when you see your beloved. But we are only human! Not talking in the preferred language style of your sweetheart is the stumbling block. Deep closeness is what couples strive for through their communication efforts. Emotional communication, a blunt discussion of what feelings belong where, is the skill required to get you from here to there. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have…focus on what you wish to create, that something which is good for all.

WHO IS RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D. values couples communication skills, executive coaching, and corporate training which solves pesky problems by producing positive results through better communication. Dennis is the original researcher and developer of the powerful Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. The Talk Doctor’s compete textbook of good talk is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, which is available by calling (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

STUCK IN A COMMUNICATION RUT WITH YOUR LIFE PARTNER?

Are you too scared to talk to someone? That’s not an uncommon characteristic of communication; namely, that we don’t say anything at all when we most need to. Not communicating is as common as, or more typical than, miscommunicating. You won’t change your communication patterns or ways? Way uncool! Why? Because you will be stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels and feeling worthless or inadequate. So, let’s come up with some solutions to life’s relationship riddles, instead of wearing the tread on your tires thin.

FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU…FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME

You don’t want to carry baggage, and you don’t want to misunderstand your talk or life partner, who is most likely your opposite communicator type. The following communication scenario is an Empathizer-Instigator couple. Really, Empathizers — or E-types — don’t speak up enough when they ought to, for fear of being rejected flat out. Here’s how one sensitive E-type communications client put it:

Why wasn’t I clued in? My stir-the-pot Instigator partner has one foot out the door. Our relationship has been going through a number of changes recently. We’re at a change crossroads of sorts, including retirement and grown kids who still need financial help. I’m a pack rat and my partner resents that. How can we relocate when I can’t even take the junk to the curb? I feel emotionally overwhelmed by it all…flooded with emotion that’s causing a great commotion!

You don’t want to stew, fret, worry, retaliate, avoid, attack, talk behind backs, whiny-baby complain, or resist re-creating your life by making needed changes…do you?

ARE YOU TOO SLOW TO CHANGE?

Here are common critiques of Empathizer or E-type communicators by Instigator or I-type communicators. Are these typical Achilles heels of the E-type communicators you know?

TOO slow to change
TOO cautious
TOO flooded by emotion
TOO humble and nice as apple pie
TOO accepting of lame excuses
TOO scared
TOO trusting of words as gospel
TOO conflict-avoidant
TOO afraid to “just talk”
TOO shaken to shake off hurt
TOO reeling from rejection
TOO personal at work
TOO business at love

PUT OFF PROCRASTINATING?

There are differences in procrastination habits between Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators. A Communication CliffsNotes version:

I. Empathizer communicators. E-types are too slow to change, are too cautious, and they procrastinate when feeling scared and depleted.

II. Instigator communicators. I-types are too quick to change, are too reckless, and they procrastinate when feeling bored and empty.

I’M ANGRY WITH MY ACTIONS AND MY LACK OF ACTIONS

Here’s the self-talk of another stalling-out Empathizer (E-type) communicator who’s feeling WAY too emotional to put off procrastinating and just move on:

Generally, my life is great. I’ve accomplished a lot. I know I am loved. I am in a good mood. I am reaching most of my goals. I’m improving my communication skills using the Talk to Me© system.

What are the cons then? As an E-type, I still let my emotions get in the way of so much in my life. I spend money foolishly based on my feelings. Emotions cause me to be late to work, and how I feel affects my productivity. If I get stressed out, I turn to drugs to escape, instead of other, more productive means.

Bottom line: I’m afraid to move on. I’m letting all this get to me. My emotions keep me from moving on…my feelings totally get in the way of my moving on. Lately, I’ve been letting things get out of hand with credit cards, too. With everything that’s going well for me, why do I continue to bring myself down? I am angry with my actions and my lack of actions.

ARE YOU TOO SLOW TO CHANGE?

Let’s face it. You have to find time to help yourself grow and change, to be good to you. Making needed personal changes to improve your communication skills will also positively impact your relationships. But a good relationship with yourself is a prerequisite to the Course on Good Communication.

WHO IS RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D. delivers couples communication skills, executive coaching, and corporate training which solves pesky problems by producing positive results. Dennis is the original researcher and developer of the powerful Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. The Talk Doctor’s compete textbook of good talk is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, which is available by calling (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

MEN EVER SENSITIVE AND WOMEN EVER LESS SENSITIVE?

Who doesn’t love Gray’s “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus?” Bam! Rightfully so, since in 1992, Dr. John Gray, an internationally recognized expert in the fields of communication and relationships, told us that men need to retreat to their caves now and then to get their bearish bearings. But in my book, traits associated with men (a thick skin) are traits of the Instigator-type communicator. Likewise, traits often associated with women (sensitivity) are traits of the Empathizer-type communicator. Thus, taking my research outcomes into consideration, about half of all men are sensitive Empathizer (E-types) communicators, and half of all women are less sensitive Instigator (I-types) communicators. As the planets of love spin, things continue to get more and more interesting!

DISTINGUISHING MALE AND FEMALE EMPATHIZERS from MALE AND FEMALE INSTIGATORS

In my book, I describe how differences are not as much a gender or personality thing as they are a communication-type thing. Who’s talking? A man or woman who is an Empathizer-type (E-type) or an Instigator-type (I-type) communicator? Well, either or both is the correct answer. Try these shoes on for size and fit to get the hang of the differences:

E-types (men and women) like compliments and verbal praise
I-types (men and women) think giving words of appreciation is corny

E-types (men and women) sting from corrective feedback
I-types (men and women) dispute corrective feedback

E-types (men and women) tend to feel guilty about being too sensitive and staying upset for too long
I-types (men and women) feel guilty for hurting people with their “out of mouth” experiences

E-types (men and women) complain to connect and to strengthen relationship bonds
I-types (men and women) get mad at complaints that waste time or don’t inspire action

E-types (men and women) feel bad for feeling bad
I-types (men and women) feel bad for talking mad

E-types (men and women) want to calm things down by backing away from conflict
I-types (men and women) wish to stir things up by moving forward with confrontation

E-types (men and women) look at why change is possible
I-types (men and women) look at why change is blocked

E-types (men and women) use “I feel….” talk language to get their bearings
I-types (men and women) use “I believe….” talk language to get their bearings

E-types (men and women) like and need more verbal praise than objective rewards
I-types (men and women) like and need more tangible (monetary) rewards than praise

E-types (men and women) think I-types are heartless
I-types (men and women) think E-types are clueless

E-types (men and women) prefer “What would you suggest we try to improve…?” brainstorming
I-types (men and women) prefer “Why isn’t what we’re doing working around here?” brainstorming

Both E- and I-types of either gender can go to extremes when stress is high and energy reserves are running on low.

I-types then feel helpless and ineffective as problem solvers, while E-types think they’re not worth much and not very good contributors to the cause…both of which perceptions are false.

DROWNING IN A SHALLOW POOL OF TALK

Bad communication makes you feel like you’re drowning. When you begin to feel like you’re drowning, and you use the new talk tools from the Talk to Me© system, you’ll be able to stand up and realize you are only in knee-high water. When you get past the fear and negativity, you will find that your opposite communication type is EASY to talk with. Instead of complaining or screaming at one another, or hiding away in a cave, just keep traveling down the two-way Talk Highway. You’ll find that the journey to meet your goal can be very rewarding and fun

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides relationship communications coaching and corporate training as the developer of the results-driven Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. Dr. O’Grady’s communication textbook, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, betters communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.

COMMUNICATION CHALLENGES IN A FAMILY BUSINESS

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” is the million dollar question when you’re borrowing benefits from the Talk to Me© communication system. In communication coaching meetings with me, I include: how to typecast — how to determine your and your talk partner’s communication types; the core talking points that make E- and I-types different to talk with; and how to enjoy talking with Instigator — or Empathizer — communicators. How do I communicate on the level of my talk partner (my opposite talk type)? It’s not so difficult to do!

HOW DO I BRING UP AN UNCOMFORTABLE TOPIC?

Today’s Million Dollar Talk Question:

My daughter works as my employee in the financial business. I am an Empathizer communicator, as is Eve. How do I get the conversation going? How do I talk with my daughter about her job performance and work preferences? Eve doesn’t say much to me about anything that’s bothering her, but both of us would agree that she doesn’t have enough to do. When I give her something to do, she’s O.K. with it, but there’s not enough to keep her busy. I have streamlined my business systems to hum along on their own. How do I talk to Eve about how or why things aren’t working out with her? How do you talk clearly and directly with an E-type when things aren’t going well?

DO YOU KEEP IN MIND WITH WHICH TYPE OF COMMUNICATOR YOU’RE DEALING?

Empathizer-type communicators, or E-types:

-like to be busy

-like structure, goals, and accomplishing important tasks

-like being contributors and workhorses

-energy dims like lights on a dimmer switch on a Christmas tree

-stuff their frustrations inside and don’t talk about them

-appreciate encouragement to talk about tough issues

-want to please others and get along with everyone

-avoid conflict at all costs

-are goal-driven and must work from a sense of passion

-don’t want to let a parent or boss down

-may lack confidence when looking for another job

-might not let go and move on when they fear peer, parental or societal disapproval

GIVING CLEAR AND DIRECT (CORRECTIVE) FEEDBACK

Dear Boss:

Given her talk type, the current job situation is not a good fit for her. Perhaps Eve has some good ideas for changing the situation if she doesn’t feel like you’re being let down. Realities of impending changes looming in the distance can hurt. Eve is going to feel terrible, because she doesn’t feel wanted, she’s letting Dad down, and it’s not a productive place for her to work. But working in an environment where passion and interest is lacking will depress E-types of any gender. In fact, the sensitizer may not show up for work or not put her whole heart into projects. She may fail to investigate her outside options.

It’s time to briefly talk with Eve. Do not come to any foregoing conclusions. Come to the communicator table and talk as two caring people who don’t want to hurt each other. Then talk about the tough issues in a compassionate way. Talk about options and clarify any confusion or conflicting ideas, if the level of unhappiness is as high as we think.

Let me know how things turn out.

Best….

SUMMARY OF FOCUS ON GIVING CLEAR AND DIRECT (CORRECTIVE) FEEDBACK SESSIONS

1. Practice typecasting.

2. Think through what you need to say.

3. Prepare your initial comments in a script.

4. First, put the purpose of the meeting on the communicator table.

5. Follow the FEEDBACK FUNCTION process.

6. Check after there’s been time to digest the meat of the meeting, to ensure there were no miscommunications.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a corporate trainer, relationship communications coach, and motivational keynote speaker. Dennis has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and their families for over 30 years. Dennis is the innovative pioneer of the results-driven Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. This textbook on positive communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at Amazon or at drogrady.com.