Posts in category: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

YOU CAN’T TALK EFFECTIVELY WITHOUT FIRST LISTENING EFFECTIVELY

In 1972, I took my first effective listening course, when I was a residence hall manager at Michigan State University, to improve my communication skills as a peer counselor. Not much has changed since then. Listening is considered to be the cure to what ails you, as well as your key relationships. For example, a movement has begun to encourage doctors to listen better to patients’ concerns and questions, and patients to better understand their illness and their treatment, according to a July 25, 2007, USA TODAY article. In fact, there is a new national satisfaction survey aimed at assessing just how well doctors communicate with patients and how hospitals are held accountable. Boston patient advocate Jonathan Fine says, “Patients will turn to someone like me and say, ‘What did the doctor just say?’ They’re afraid to ask questions, and if they do ask questions, they don’t understand the answers.”

LISTENING VS. HALF-LISTENING

Positive talk rules on the two-way communication highway. Talk Rule: You can’t talk effectively without first listening effectively. An open mind is necessary when listening, as you attend to asking good questions and hearing the answers that pour forth. This seemingly easy task is not so effortless when emotions are strong, such as after receiving bad news about issues that threaten your health or wealth!

Here’s something else you ought to know — but probably don’t — about the listening side of the talk street:

1. Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) listen empathetically, while Instigator communicators (I-types) listen strategically.

2. E-types seek first to listen in order to understand the speaker better, while I-types want to give advice quickly to solve a problem.

3. E-types listen inclusively (listen with three ears), while I-types listen selectively (listen with one ear while multi-tasking).

4. E-types shut down when they feel talked down, while I-types debate harder when they feel talked over.

5. E-types are negatively perceived by I-types as not getting to the point fast enough, while I-types are negatively perceived by E-types as tuning out what they don’t want to hear.

ARE YOU HIP TO TALKNOLOGY?

Why even listen? Why ask directive questions? Why offer solutions to problems if no one seems to care about what you have to say? Excellent questions! Poor communication equals lost opportunities…unnecessary customer and spousal dissatisfaction…less money and peace of mind…and MANY untold opportunities flying right out the door!

A RESULTS-DRIVEN COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

Fact is, you’ll get positive results in all these areas when you tune in, for a change! But first, you’ve got to have a goal on which to focus your restless mind. The new “Talknology” goal of the results-driven Talk to Me© effective communication system is:

To listen up…to better listen with an open mind to our patients, customers, spouses, children, and ourselves, so that we can continually increase our personal performance power and improve our interpersonal effectiveness. Communicating effectively during stressful, emotionally tense times is where the real action is!

But how can you practice listening better a little each day to improve your listening skills?

OPEN-MINDED LISTENING TIPS

I’ve been paid to listen as a communications psychologist for 30+ years, and I haven’t begun to scratch the surface of the science of effective listening. That being said, here are a few general strategies to help you listen with the combined strengths of E- and I-types:

1. CALM YOUR MIND DOWN. A busy mind running a mile a minute doesn’t have the capacity to really hear what’s on someone else’s mind.

Listening Tip: Think — “I’m going to turn my full attention to the speaker now and tune out everything else that’s begging for my consideration.”

2. FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION. You can’t do three things at once and do any of them well. Give your attention unsparingly to whom you are talking.

Listening Tip: Think — “I can do this listening-with-all-ears-open thing by tuning in only to the message of the speaker and by actively listening to what’s being said.”

3. DISRUPT DOUBTS. You can’t hear a diverging opinion if you are talking negatively to yourself about how the speaker is a misguided idiot.

Listening Tip: Think — “Here I go again, thinking that the speaker doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. Enough of the Doubting Thomas stuff. Focus in and listen up!”

4. GO EASY. You will find that steps 1-3 won’t work for long before your mind is screaming to shut down and focus on its own self-oriented concerns, because you are a terribly busy and important person who has bigger and more pressing matters which need attention.

Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Easy does it. Now is not the time to be the harried rabbit, running for all you’re worth to win the race. Slow is better…slow down you mind and listen up! You’re doing pretty darned good so far.”

5. TALK POSITIVELY TO YOURSELF. Even talk gurus need occasional encouragement to remember to use positive self-talk when the noise on the talk airwaves is blaring.

Listening Tip: Think — “My listening skills are improving a little every day in every way. Take a deep breath and relax! This might be a good time to summarize and repeat what I think I heard the speaker say. Ready?!”

6. CHECK IT OUT. When words pour out, it’s good to slow things down by summarizing the main point of what your communication partner has said so far. Example: “I hear you saying that you feel less than satisfied with how things have been going thus far, but you have a suggestion about how to make things better in upcoming days.”

Listening Tip: Think — “It takes courage to verify what someone else is saying, especially when emotions are running high and the speaker isn’t happy. Way to go!”

7. BACK PAT. Your arm isn’t too short to give yourself a good pat on the back for trying to become a better listener.

Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Being a good listener automatically puts me in the spotlight, as I work hard to satisfy my customers and determine how I can progressively better serve them…important customers which include first, myself; secondly, with whomever I’m speaking; and thirdly, my spouse and children, who need to sound off sometimes. Keep up the good work of listening dude!”

SOUND OFF

Although Empathizer and Instigator communicators listen quite differently, the listening tips above work for both types of communicators. Since E-type speakers aren’t used to being heard–be prepared when you listen up! And since I-type speakers aren’t used to being in the passenger’s seat when communicating–be prepared to relax and take it easy once in a while. Relaxing, opening your mind, and going easy is what effective listening is all about.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region corporate trainer, event keynote speaker, and couples and family communication coach. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

Good listening shines a light in dark places, to help you find your way and move forward during difficult times. You get better at being an effective listener by trying to listen carefully to everyone you meet. How the effective communication principles in my book, Talk to Me, shine the light of listening on any subject:

1. LOOK DEEPLY INTO THE EYES OF YOUR TALK PARTNER. Focus your concentration on the eyes of the speaker, providing a hallway to the heart and a gateway to the soul.

2. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. Breathe…go on, now…easy…just relax…all you’ve got to do is listen. Notice how you aren’t hearing half of what’s being said, because your mind is too busy speeding along thinking?

3. CALM DOWN. Slow down your thoughts by emptying your mind of the ever urgent “I’ve got to do…” list.

4. LISTEN UP. Do your best to listen equally to the words — content — of what’s being said and to the feelings — process — of what it would be like, walking in the shoes of the speaker.

5. WRESTLE THE BIGGEST ALLIGATORS FIRST. Stop yourself from driving in the problem-solving lane of, “I’ve got to help them figure this out fast!” You will know what to do, if anything, after you’ve really heard what alligators your friend is wrestling.

6. HEAR WITH YOUR OWN EARS. Filter not! We all run what people say through multiple filters of what’s right or wrong, good or bad, normal or weird. Try to listen open-mindedly without filters for a whopping big change of talk scenery.

7. FIGURE OUT WHAT’S FACT OR FICTION. Fear can put a smoke screen over the road ahead by clouding the facts of a matter. Summarize what’s really true for you, given what you’ve heard with your own ears.

LISTENING IS A GIFT THAT LIGHTS THE WAY AHEAD OF YOU

As you encounter the authentic self and genuinely feel empowered to solve all kinds of complex life puzzles, truly listening is an unselfish gift you can give another person. Today, give freely of the gift of your full, undivided attention to those you respect or care about.

ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is an effective communication keynote speaker and workshop leader who delivers corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. You can experience the benefits of O’Grady’s communication system directly by interacting with the 2 communicator types (and switch within the 4 talk lanes when one is closed) in his book by the same title. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone is available by mail order at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

Deep peace to you my dear mother.

My mother, Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady, would be very happy to see your beautiful faces today in celebration of her life. Oh, how Mom valued celebrating life passages with respectful traditions shared with family and friends.

Some of you knew my mother as Betty…some of you knew my mom as Aunt Betty…or as Grandma O’Grady. I had the honor of knowing my mother as MY MOM for 55 years when the times were a-changing. You should know that my brother, and steadfast ally and friend, Al, of course has me beat in the “years knowing Mom” category. No, I’m not calling Al old, but whoever said sibling rivalry was dead was obviously an only child!

Expectantly, I here stand before you today…completely thankful…and feeling completely blessed for your friendship…and completely awe-filled at the genuine expressions of love and respect for my mother, Betty O’Grady. And so, I will not hide from your eyes or ears…the truth coming from my shattered heart. Although I may be the second born son of Betty Merrill O’Grady, I am my mother’s number one fan. You should know, of course, older brother Al feels the same way….

Now I do not hide from any of you this painful emotional truth. Since April 15th, 2007– when my mother changed neighborhoods — I’ve been absolutely broken-hearted…filled with grief…dreadful longing…bittersweet loneliness…BUT with absolute love unfailing for you, my dearest mother. For your life of loving, Mom, stood for so much that is purely and simply unforgettable to me. Like what being a decent human being means.

Simply put, there is a huge vacancy sign on the hotel of my heart….

But I am also VERY exhilarated today…glad not sad…expectant and faith-filled…celebratory and ready to ride across the waves of deep oceans filled with spectacular emotional mysteries. Today, we all get another chance to dance joyfully to the message of my mother’s life, and pass the love on….

The astonishing final two weeks of my mother’s life in Sarasota were inspiring and grace-filled. Together, Al and Ginny and I bravely kept talking to Mom as we watched her physically pull a disappearing act right before our very eyes…by growing slighter and weaker…between sunup and sundown…as the days slowly ticked by.

Mom was so brave. Just as she was the leader of her life, she was also in the driver’s seat of her own death and dying process. She comfortingly repeated to us: “I’m not in any pain. It’s all going to be all right. Death is gentle.” Mom talked as if she would live forever…and there was nothing whatsoever…for any of us…ever…ever again…to worry about.

Here are a few more of Mom’s words from her final days, whispered about the meaning of her life:

I can’t believe how lucky I am, and how lovely you are. I’m just so lucky. I was so lucky…lucky…lucky that God blessed me to have you in my life. I always tried to be good. I wanted to be kind and honest with people. I wanted to honor the people I met. I wanted to try to give the extra-loving measure. There’s enough criticism around…I just wanted to be kind and decent. I wanted to be honest and decent, not hateful and mean. I wanted to live a single purpose of love. I just wanted to be kind to everybody.

So hear me say again how proud and profoundly pleased I am to be authentically able to shout from the rafters: “My mother was a decent human being.”

Hey, Mom. How’s it been going in Heaven? You must have heard my back porch prayers this morning, while I was sitting on the back porch, staring into the deep back woods.

I just don’t know if I’m strong enough for all this grief stuff, Ma. I feel so sad and so full of sorrow, kind of like a sharp pebble is grinding away against the soft skin of my foot in a shoe that’s too tight when I’ve got to run fast.

I know that men who value emotional communication and close trusting relationships, feel this way. That’s just the way it is. But Mom, in the past I would’ve called you when I was missing you. Now, who do I call to hear your sweet voice?

KEEPING ALL YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW

I’m still using the Talk To Me© system of effective communication, Mom. I used it in the final two weeks of your life and loved how we all talked together so deeply and completely. You, of course, were an Instigator-type extrovert or “the Leader.” I was surrounded by Instigator communicators when I was growing up!

You were so brave. You were in the driver’s seat of your own death and dying process.

Mom, I am your number one fan. So I keep using all four gears in my communicator car, the four communicator modes, to talk to you. I’m using the Emotions mode now. Although it is the most challenging talk mode for me to talk through, I love the positive results.

Mom, I know you can hear me. Are you still helping me keep all my ducks in a row?

IT’S WATER OFF A DUCK’S BACK

In my sad back porch, early morning prayers, I was calling out, “Talk to me, Mom!” And you did.

You doubled up on the ducks this morning. Two colorful mallard ducks made me stop my car as both stepped non-chalantly across the street on my way to work. You’re driving me crazy with those stupid ducks, Ma!

Did you think I was that bad off that I needed two colorful messengers? Well, you were right! The water wasn’t easily flowing off my back. I’m trying to remember to “be like a duck and fly through all types of foul weather.”

DEEP PEACE TO YOU MY DEAR MOTHER

You took flight Mother Butterfly. At 86 years-young, you had to go, you needed to move on. And I needed to set you free.

Godspeed to you my beloved mother. You practiced what I heard preached in church without clucking about how you should get credit for being a good person. You were “Decent Betty”… a decent human being.

I’m passing the love on, Mom! I’m enjoying being the man you knew as a boy and grown son. Hey, please keep talking to me!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the proud second son of Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone is dedicated to his mother and to all the wild ducks of the world who remind all of us that we indeed are not alone. Lonely perhaps, recipient of sad, teary rainstorms for sure, but we’re not alone. Being lonely, and speaking about it, is courageous, not weak. Even the “Talk General” who is growing as a result of using the Talk To Me© system of effective communication, cries tears to a mountain of grief. You and your partner, close friends, and family members can learn to talk through grief and feel closeness and happiness growing, instead of shrinking. In short, you really can learn to talk to each other during emotionally stormy, difficult couple or family times. This “General of Talk” knows beyond any shadow of doubt, with the backing of the Talk To Me© system, you can really learn to talk better to anyone.

I was shrouded in sadness and loneliness, riding low on energizing fuel during a full, double blue, June moon early one Friday morning. I tried to talk to my wife about it. I told her how drained I was. How I was feeling sad and vulnerable, as if spikes of grief from Mom’s passing were sinking into the soft parts of my heart and taking up residence there. I was bleeding tears, and I knew it.

BE LIKE A DUCK AND FLY THROUGH FOUL WEATHER

In a previous inspirational article, I shared my personal story of good grief called, Be Like a Duck. The piece was about a stupid wooden mallard duck that Mom persisted I put on my home hearth after she passed on…that same blasted dumb wooden duck that I had under my arm when a silver-haired, sparkling-eyed Sarasota airport security guard said, “I haven’t seen many wooden ducks come through here, Mister.”

The guard understood the implied message that Mom was trying to send to me — “Be like a duck and fly through foul weather, Denny! I know this time isn’t going to be easy time for you or your brother. I know Kerry and the kids will have a go of it, too. Don’t lose hope, and don’t fear. I will always be near.” It was foul emotional weather right now, all right. I was crying and howling in a rainstorm of grief, and no one could hear me.

WHY DON’T YOU JUST TRY TO TALK ABOUT IT?

“Why don’t you try to talk to your wife about this?” I coached myself. “Nah, the sun isn’t even up, and Kerry’s got a long list of things to do, and I would just be bothering her with these grief spikes that she can’t do anything about, anyway. What can she do about it? Bring Mom back? Kerry’s got her own problems. I’m not supposed to bother anyone with my messy grief emotions. C’mon sport. It’s a full moon…this too shall pass.” All of this internal conversation with myself was nothing more than a bunch of lazy communication spiraling downward in an emotional toilet.

VENTING: WHY TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS IS SO DICEY

Well, I tried to talk, and the talk pretty much went nowhere. I didn’t need cheering up. I didn’t need being told that Mom’s in a better place. I didn’t need to hear that there’s nothing to fear. I didn’t need to be talked over or interrupted. I guess I just needed to vent…. But talking about emotions is SO dicey, even between two lovers who long ago fell in love. Only the brave need go there. So I talked a little while, then gave up on the prospect with a curt, “This is why our communication gets cut off. You think you’ve got to do or say something profound. I just need to hear myself talk and see that you care and have compassion for my personal struggle.” Well, maybe it sounded a whole lot rougher than that….

SWEATING TEARS: DO POSITIVE THOUGHTS DRAIN OUT OF YOUR BRAIN?

So I drove off to work with a double blue, full moon hovering off my left shoulder in the daybreaking light. Frankly, I felt irritated, lonely, morose, flat out sad. “Grumpy” as one of my daughters likes to say. Now, truth be told, I had completely forgotten about the whole stupid duck thing as I was driving to my office sweating tears through this humid morning and hazy first day of June. Here I was frowning and feeling down and out, my energy spiraling down into a bottomless pit, and me, completely forgetting my mom’s earlier message.

Leave it to me….I reliably forget positive thoughts when I’m feeling negative — they drain out of my brain, through big holes of a mental sieve.

I could give a gigabyte about much of anything or anyone, because I was feeling SO sad and lonely, and boy, I wasn’t at the top of my game or even in sight of the self-esteem peak or the confidence mountain top. I had completely forgotten about that stupid duck metaphor, anyway. Thank you all the ducks in heaven!

SEND IN THE DUCKS

Up ahead, in front of me, as I was driving along and emotionally musing about my total morning misery, there were two colorful ducks, contemplating walking across the street in front of the Washington Township Post Office! Those flapping ducks! Two mallards this time were about to walk across this 45 mph speed zone that was known for automobiles that behaved like airplanes.

I slowed down, put on my emergency lights, and stopped. The oncoming car did the same. Two stupid ducks. One who had ventured out into the street first, the other waiting on the curb to see if any feathers would fly. When the first was halfway across the street, the second duck hopped down off the curb and calmly followed his buddy across the street. Stupid ducks. Whoa! What was that message Mom sends from above to all of us feeling down about feeling like a sitting duck?

BEEN FEELING LATELY LIKE A SITTING DUCK?

Oh yeah, “Be like a duck and fly through foul weather.” And, “Feel what you do, without flipping out, then let the intense emotions of grief roll off your back…water off a duck’s back!” In my mind I heard Mom saying, “Go easy on pressuring yourself, Denny. Be self-encouraging, instead. Don’t retreat, and don’t back down. Don’t just not show up for life. If you fail, fail because you tried, not because you failed to try at all.” Geez, Mom.

SHOW UP FOR LIFE

Talking about feelings of grief is easier said than done. At least this communications psychologist thinks so.

ABOUT DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer. He is the proud second son of Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady, and loving husband and father. Dennis is also the developer of the Talk to Me interpersonal communications training system, a systematic and solutions-driven approach to better communication.