Posts in category: POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Didn’t sleep again last night? Do you wake up in the middle of the night? Do you have difficulty dragging yourself out from underneath the covers because you just finally got to sleep? Well, who hasn’t experienced insomnia! Hope is here: I just read a good book by Tammy Barlekamp called A Time to Sleep. What’s covered? 70 relaxing ways to get 40 winks without giving yourself 40 lashes for staying awake ALL night. Heck, yes, we’re all wise to “keep it simple” when it comes to our sleep habits.

SHAPING YOUR SLEEP ATTITUDE

“WHAT IF…” worrying directly pressures your mind to stay awake to stave off harm, and keep the other shoe from dropping. Inspirational soul-liners abound in A Time to Sleep. Freely use any of these healthy mental sleep sedatives—or new sleep attitudes—the next time you feel tortured by a lack of sleep:

• Sleeping well is a skill.
• We need peace to sleep.
• Treat your body with love and respect. Take it out for a walk once in awhile.
• The idea is to fill your mind so completely with peace that anxiety has no room to roost.
• Begin to focus immediately on your peaceful thoughts when you come into the room where you sleep.
• When you cannot sleep, it is an indication that worry is in control.
• Be sympathetic to yourself at this time. It will not help to try to force yourself to sleep.
• Do you find you like yourself when you sleep well and hate yourself when you sleep poorly?
• “I must stay alert so nothing bad happens!” and “Not sleeping is a sign of how much I care!” are sleep-deprivers.
• Losing too much sleep can make a person feel dead.
• Do you believe that if you just spend enough sleepless nights analyzing problems in your head, solutions will miraculously appear?
• You are improving your sleep attitude every night.
• Try substituting a devotion for a potion.
• Stop wishing it away (sleeplessness) for one night.
• Are you carrying an old attitude into a new environment?
• Some people feel guilty for taking a nap…I’m talking about maxi-shame for a mini-siesta.
• It’s not your fault you cannot sleep.
• Praise is tying the balloon after you blow it up. It completes the process. Otherwise your work can come undone.
• Also, ask yourself if you are starting to get caught up in the thought that the faster you go, the more you get done. This is not always true.
• A tough time is a time that is tough for you.
• You really can’t work any faster than one night at a time, so relax and enjoy this night at this time!

ONE NIGHT AT A TIME

What’s to feel good about when you’re spending another sleepless night watching the clock while tossing and turning and having racing thoughts? According to Barlekamp, “You may be surprised that your personal point of view is keeping you awake!” Then again, you may subconsciously understand that “I couldn’t get to sleep at all last night!” could be a bit of extreme thinking on your part, one that you can overcome with a positive sleep attitude that respects loving your life while boosting your mood, too.

Sweet dreams!”

ABOUT AUTHOR, NURSE AND INSOMNIA EXPERT TAMMY BARLEKAMP

Tammy Barlekamp lives with her husband and three children in northwest Ohio. She has a Bachelor of Science Degree in Nursing from the University of Toledo. Her interest in helping others with sleep evolved from an affiliation with The Midwest Center for Stress in Oak Harbor, Ohio, where she has been involved in coaching, phone support and correspondence for the past eight years. She enjoys running, writing, music, and her Cairn Terrier, Gracie. You can order Tammy Barlekamp’s new book “A Time to Sleep” now at Xlibris.com.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker and corporate trainer specializing in positive and effective communication and leadership skills. Dennis sleeps like a log most nights since he began using positive sleep attitudes. He is the wide-awake author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone,” and President-Elect of the Dayton Area Psychological Association.

IT’S NOT WHAT PEOPLE CALL YOU BUT WHAT YOU ANSWER TO

What to do with a bad boss who is an ogre? The American Heritage dictionary defines communication as: “To have an interchange, as of thoughts and ideas. The exchange of messages by speech, signals, or writing. A system or network of routes for sending and receiving messages, as by mail, telephone, or television.”

ETHICAL VS. EFFECTIVE LEADERS

A good boss is an ethical and effective communicator. A bad boss is an unethical and effective communicator. Catch the difference? A bad boss is very inclined to be communicative, to readily and forcefully deliver messages to your logic and heart-mind to convince you to do what he or she wants you to.

IS YOUR ENERGY BEING DRAINED BY A BAD BOSS?

So what can you tell yourself or do when your energy is being drained by a bad boss? That “bossy bad boss” can be an in-law, mother or father, teenager or child, ex-spouse, a supervisor at work or your own “inner jerk.” Repeating the inaccurate, fear-driven and negative statements going ’round and ’round in your own skull will defeat you. If your inner chatter agitates you, then say out loud: Change the subject!

TALK BACK NOW TO A BOSSY BULLY?

You may not have much control over stress events at work that nip at the heels of your self-esteem, but you CAN pump up an attitude that has been flattened by stress. You’ve got to talk some sense to yourself, because you may never have the chance to talk to the bad boss, for fear of losing your job. Here’s how to use a few punchy attitudes from the “Talk to Me” communication system:

• Being rigid about who’s right and who’s wrong IS wrong.
• I don’t let myself be led around like a goat on a rope.
• I don’t take whatever you say to me as gospel spoken from on high.
  
• I don’t throw bad talk back in someone’s lap.
• I treat myself to the kindnesses I expect others to treat me to.
• I am relationship-centered instead of control-centered.
• The blame and shame game is lame, so I steer clear.
• I don’t pick up negative emotions that don’t belong to me.
• I’ll “flip in,” not “flip out,” when I experience intense emotions.
• I keep it simple by using positive communication skills.
• I work on myself before trying to change others.
• I accept 50% co-responsibility for every problem facing me.
• I plug into a positive attitude to unplug from stress.
• If you don’t own a problem…you can’t solve a problem.
• Am I the leader of my own life here, or not?
• You can hang yourself but I don’t have to hang with you!
• I understand that producing results is the all of everything.
• I reserve the right to drive myself crazy, thanks very much.
  
• Getting even puts me behind.
  
• So, how’s that my problem?
• It’s not what people call you but what you answer to!
• I’ll change my “to-do” list to a DO(NE) one.
  
• Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can put into today!
  
• That’s a road I don’t want to go down with you!
• I won’t eat the manure sandwich you just handed me!
• I’m not a control freak but a peace freak.
• Middle-of-the-road always works better than going to extremes.
• I won’t suffer from my own knee-jerk, me-jerk reactions.
• I can say what I mean, and mean what I say, without being mean!
• The harder I try to control others, the behinder I get.
• If my word isn’t any good, I feel good for nothing.
• I tell the truth without casting stones of blame.
• Often, doing what feels good IS the problem, and choosing to do what makes us feel bad is the solution.
• Get your nit pickin’ hands off my psychic skin, you dag-blasted guilt tripper!
  
• Perhaps the best decision for me is to stay away from nutty people.

You don’t produce a bunch of whiny-baby excuses, now do you?!

BEING COMMUNICATIVE…A GREAT TRAIT OF THE BAD BOSS

As I mentioned earlier, a bad boss is very inclined to be communicative, to readily and forcefully deliver messages to your heart-mind to convince you to do what he or she wants you to. The bad boss feels he or she owns you, and you owe him or her your unwavering allegiance. By “staying on message,” the bad boss controls you by fueling fear, casting stones of blame, and side-stepping the results of their hyped-up programs and plans.

YOU CAN HANG YOURSELF…BUT I DON’T HAVE TO HANG WITH YOU

You may have a “lemon” for a boss, and with any luck, you won’t have one for too long. In any case, most of us have “difficult people” in our life who are teaching us tough life choices and touchy life lessons. Bottom line: You get to choose the road on which you drive your communicator car. Choose your road carefully because some communication trips are more enjoyable than others. So today, make your life your full-time job.

ABOUT DAYTON, OHIO, COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Empathizers are prone to being follower-types, while Instigators are prone to being leader-types. Both communicator types are needed in the same room to get creative solutions brought to life. Dr. Dennis O’Grady recommends that you choose your road traveled carefully because some communication trips are more enjoyable to go on than others. O’Grady shows you how the two types of communicators, Empathizers and Instigators, have completely different views of what makes the world go ’round or stop spinning altogether. As famous Gestalt psychotherapist Fritz Perls said in his 1969 book called “In and Out the Gargage Pail” that “topdog bossy people” use chickens*it or cliches, bulls*it or excuses, and elephants*it or pontificating to keep people spinning their wheels and stuck in a work rut. Dr. O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and seminar leader, and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and Amazon now.

Question from Tom B. for this doctor psychologist: “When I try to use a positive mental attitude and get a lack of results for my efforts, it leads to a negative mental attitude. For example, if you tell a skier to think positively and don’t fear falling, and the skier then breaks a leg in an accident on the mountain, what then? Do you really think the hurt person can keep using the power of a positive attitude? Or if you pray for a person, and then they die…how does the pray-er then view prayer itself? If results are not there, people will blame anyone outside of themselves to ease the pain. When negative words work, we will use them, because we’re only human. You have some of the best stuff on the net, I can tell you are a pro. So what do you think? I read tons of BS and really enjoy your articles!”

WHY USE A GOOD COMMUNICATION STYLE…AND TALK POSITIVELY IF IT DOESN’T WORK?

Why NOT use a positive communication style? Harder, yes; impossibly silly or ridiculous, NO. Tom B., who wrote the above challenging question, read your mind my dear reader, didn’t he? Sure, a positive attitude won’t kill ya’…but what good does it really ever do when the chips are down and your mood has been flipped around? Much less break a leg when you’re tryin’ to step out? Come on all you positive typesters: Isn’t it skill more than luck, thick skin better than sensitive feelings, who you know more than how you demonstrate who you are? What about results…results…results for gosh sakes!

SHOWING YOU CARE FOR YOURSELF EVEN WHEN YOU THINK IT’S STUPID TO USE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE IF YOU MIGHT BREAK A LEG

So why use a positive communication style with your inner self…much less anyone else?

1. PMA, or positive mental attitude, is a term I first came to know about through the writings and teachings of Napolean Hill, who is the author of, “Think and Grow Rich.”

2. PMA is a faith-filled attempt to exert some positive mental control over bad tidings and errant emotions that drag you down and keep you there.

3. The primary purpose of a positive attitude is to restore faith when all hope has been lost.

4. The ultimate test of a positive attitude is to act kindly, compassionately and hope-filled when there is no logical reason whatsoever to do so. You act on “what if things could get better” faith.

5. Bad things happen to good people whether or not a positive attitude is being used.

6. A positive attitude isn’t some kind of insurance policy that keeps painful life happenings from happening to you and yours.

7. When bad things happen, what good does it do to adopt a negative attitude in order to wall the self off from feeling hurt? You are already feeling hurt, the question is how you are going to be in your life with hurt.

8. In my experience, positive people are better able to be “response-able” and effectively handle emotions that are both shiny like gold and dreary like rust…and let go of trying to control others, including God.

9. Emotions are dualities or opposites. Thus, even happiness can be negative or sorrow can be positive…what a mind-bender and life-changer. Thinking realistically and accurately is the best thinking of all?

10. All emotions are a two-sided coin. We can’t just have the positive or “sunny” side of emotions without the “darker” or “flip side” of emotions. Positive people are courageous because they feel whatever they do without throwing their emotions around for others to work through.

11. True love and compassion comes from navigating tricky emotions without harm coming to anyone in a “we all win or none of us wins” fashion.

12. “Stuffing feelings” is a form of “inversion” that keeps your personal power stuck inside of you to rot away. You must not be intimidated to speak out expressing who you are!

13. Being friends with yourself means you behave in constructive ways when your feelings are encouraging you to fight unfairly or pursue some other self-defeating or destructive behavior.

14. You can’t find happiness, much less “have” happiness on a daily basis, unless you are first fast, best friends with yourself.

15. Friendliness, self-caring, taking care of yourself, compassion in relationships means you must be on pretty-friendly terms with your emotions.

Well, Tom, I have more to say but I’ve got a client who just came in for an appointment.

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT AND PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the father of three daughters and husband, all of whom hail from Dayton, Ohio, USA. O’Grady is a keynote speaker, business consultant and the author of the new positive and effective communication system to put into today what you are going to put off tomorrow. Dr. O’Grady’s relationship and mood management approach is called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Dennis’ book is available at this site and at Amazon.

Serious about change? Give up your security blanket and reach those cherished New Year’s goals.

If you’re really ready to change, you’ll answer yes to the following questions. If you find yourself answering, “Yes, but…,” you’re still bucking, resisting and fearing change and probably at a standstill. Work toward changing your negative beliefs into positive action.

1. I deserve to have what I desire most in life right now.

2. I’ll put in any work necessary to make my dreams come true.

3. I’ll adopt good habits to promote my future happiness and present satisfaction.

4. I’ll let go of any relationship, no matter how comfortable it might be, if it isn’t good for me.

5. I’ll go into the unknown and acquire new skills, or seek out a different job, if it means I’ll feel less stressed and be more relaxed.

6. I’ll tackle my fears of being too selfish, too negative or too stuck in a communication rut to reach my heartfelt goals.

7. I’m willing to become more realistic about money, and to live within my financial means to achieve peace of mind.

8. As a sexual being, I’m eager to create an exciting sex life that is ultimately gratifying to my partner and me.

9. As a spiritual being, I’ll freely let go of bulky resentment baggage — against parents, lovers and friends — to experience relationship healing and grace.

10. I’m willing to build a closer relationship with God, one that makes me feel increasingly confident to love and be loved.

WATCH THOSE EXCUSES FALL TO THE WAYSIDE

My favorite change alibi is “BUT I’ve done IT for so long, I doubt I can do anything to change it now!” And true, I usually need the help of outside experts or coaches to encourage me to “keep on changing” when I impatiently get down on myself. We are all programmed to feel fear, skepticism and doubt when we try on new behaviors for size. So, what’s your point?

ABOUT DAYTON, OHIO, EXECUTIVE COACH, MARRIAGE PSYCHOLOGIST AND PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER ON EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS AND CHANGE MANAGEMENT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton-based professional speaker, business consultant and relationship coach. O’Grady is the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing” … “No Hard Feelings” … and “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” You can read his article on “Change Maxims for 2006” here. O’Grady’s New Year’s resolution: “Have a New Year instead of repeating the same old one!” Dr. O’Grady also believes that when you’re driving down the road less traveled and your wheels are knocked off your blue Empathizer or burnt orange Instigator communicator car — you can still get going again with a little help from your professional friends.

Sometimes, I think that I’m masochistic to write articles about good communication in the wee hours of the morning. In fact, the other night when the moon was full, after my three daughters went to bed howling like women who run with wolves, the plug was pulled on my desire to be in my own life. Anyone else had to be better than me! My battery was drained, and my physical energy was definitely in need of re-charging. So I slept soundly, and dreamed of warmer and brighter days of a better mood.

DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF?

Do you talk to yourself in caring and compassionate ways when you fall down or are drained energetically? You do talk to yourself, you know, for better and worse. Eight-three percent (83%) of the communication you engage in on a daily basis is with YOU. I assertively speak about the energy-boosting vs. the energy-busting importance of “talking openly and positively” to yourself in my third book, “Talk to Me.” Now, I write for pleasure. I also write for interaction with readers, which means, I love to hear your words of wisdom. Why talk out loud to myself in the middle of a dark night of the soul? Of course, I am not ashamed to admit I also write in order to sell books to support a family of five and this creative Web page.

BE IN YOUR OWN LIFE?!

So you’re not perfect; whatever. So your mood is blue when the skies are gray, whatever. So you shoot yourself in the foot now and then; whatever. Now this is the self-captivating and energy-catapulting choice you make every day in your inner skull talk:

• You can be in your own life.

• Your life can be owned by someone else who has taken over your inner life.

• You can be in someone else’s life–telling them what to do and be and say and feel and what to like and dislike and who to vote for and against.

• You can approve of or disapprove of your emotional experience, and worry yourself to death when you don’t feel centered-in-self (vs. self-centered) and confident (vs. insecure).

• You can be a control freak, because your emotions are running out of your control, and you’re not having much (if any) fun.

• You can strive to be liked for all the wrong reasons, and be a cardboard cutout of your true self and cutoff your true self and put your soul in a box.

• You can fear healthy disagreement, and hide under your bed covers.

WHAT DOES “BE IN YOUR OWN LIFE” MEAN?

What does “be in your own life” mean? It means you aren’t running ahead of yourself, or stuck in an emotional swamp behind yourself, or driving in a thick emotional fog with your headlamps turned off. You face your emotions with dignity…and permit your emotions to communicate with you.

FALLING OFF YOUR EMOTIONAL HORSE

When you use my new communication approach, you will experience yourself going from the horse and buggy era to the automotive world and beyond. What have you got to say about that? Sadly, like every sage or sadsack, I fall off my horse and go “splat!” some fogged-in-wintry-days due to a lack of being on friendly terms with myself. And honestly, I sort of long to hear cheery and accurate words of compassionate caring, even though as a relationship psychologist, I’m running from pillar to post carrying a rucksack of fear that sprouts doom-and-gloom thinking everywhere I turn.

DOES A DROP OF WATER MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

Do your words matter to anyone? When you speak, does anyone really hear you? Should you even bother sending a nice note to someone you don’t know very well? Here’s what a reader of www.drogrady.com recently wrote to me when my mood was as depressed as a flat tire with a screw sticking out of it:

What an honest, open and loving look into many, many people’s lives. I feel blessed that my sister loved me so much, she turned me on to this site. Thank you C., and thank you Dr. Dennis, for taking the time and the love to do this….for ALL of US. Muchas Gracias!

Well, needless to say my energy was boosted and my morale lifted to hear the cheer from afar. Mother Theresa was fond of saying your drop of water is what makes the ocean an ocean. The drop of water above whetted my soul and gave me hope that my words sent to Internet Heaven were being heard. Thank you, dear Reader with Radar!

NEGATIVE THINKING…FEAR OF FEELINGS

Fear of feelings causes many communication shut-downs. We are not such good friends with our emotional selves, sometimes. I’ve practiced for years…and I still am not on such good terms with my feelings. I feel EVERYTHING…so do you. I want to connect and lean into relationships, not fall out of an effective communication loop. Somehow, the Reader helped answer these negative musings:

1. Are people going to get the message, Dennis? YES.

2. Do people want to learn how to drive on the two-way communicator highway, Dennis? YES!

3. Do you want to speak up with the truth when the screeching sounds of poor communication accidents is defeaning, Dennis? YES!

4. Would you like to get your way every day in every way, Dennis? YES! (ouch!)

5. Are you IN your own life? Being caring and kind to yourself first? YES! (still a work in progress)

6. Are you thinking as positively as possible, Dennis? YES!

7. Are you fear-full or love-full, Dennis? YES! (ouch, twice!)

Well, I guess we emotional human beings need to learn how to let go of being in conflict with our inner emotional selves. The conflict you and I engage in outside of ourselves reflects the conflict you and I are having with our emotional “inner selves.”

COULD YOU SPARE A DROP OF CARING AND KINDNESS IN AN E-MAIL TODAY?

So, I beg you to send an “easy” positive e-mail today that recognizes how something someone said or did gave you hope when you were feeling completely hopeless. It worked for me, and I’m a clinical psychologist.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker, seminar communications skills teacher, professional psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and executive coach.