Posts in category: POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Depression is an inability to do anything. Depression is also an inability to say anything much positive to yourself when you’re down in the dumps. If you are an Empathizer (E-type) communicator, depression will dim your light and sap your energy. If you are an Instigator (I-type) communicator, depression will drain your physical battery and zap your motivation. Either way, when your head’s hanging down, depression is the vampire that bites your neck and sucks the creative life energy right out of you through a BIG straw.

THE BEST ANTI-DEPRESSANT: IMPROVING YOURSELF IN LITTLE WAYS EVERY DAY

Take the case of Peter, a sensitive male Empathizer-type communicator (E-type), and a client who came to see me for executive coaching. He went from a dim light to a bright light pretty darn fast in four meetings. Here’s what Peter told me about using my “positive and effective communication tools.”

“I have an inner sense of well-being now. I’m mellowing like an old bottle of red wine. I work on myself and improve on me every day…although it’s not all about me…not at all. I used to take a small flaw…magnify it…then analyze something to death. I feel a natural optimism now without self-defense mechanisms. My feelings aren’t so easily hurt as they used to be. What doesn’t work in my life–I let go of. I don’t drive things into the ground, and I don’t take anyone or anything for granted. Gaps in communication are closed for the better. I don’t take the negative and run with it and put undue stress on myself as I did before. I used to feel sort of a contempt to care for me…now I feel caring toward how I feel…where I’m going…that I’m not done but heading in the right direction. I feel good…there’s a calm well-being.”

CAN YOU CURE DEPRESSION?

Curing or lessening a depression (or feeling down and blue) depends on your communicator type. Do you know your communicator type? If you are an Empathizer communicator … you will want to “turn around” your negative beliefs into positive thoughts to talk sense to yourself when you feel bad. And if you’re an Instigator communicator … you will want to “turn into” your vulnerable feelings to make sure you don’t “run away” from signs on your road less traveled.

I. Empathizer Communicators: The cure for depression is to talk to your self in unconditionally loving ways. Feel the love of yourself coming right at your self NOW!

II. Instigator Communicators: The cure for depression is to treat yourself to unconditionally loving actions. Feel the love of others coming right at you NOW!

WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR YOU…WHAT CAN YOU SAY TO YOU…HOW TO HELP YOURSELF UP WHEN YOU FEEL DOWN

“I can take some little steps that will yield good results!” is the belief of a positive and effective inner-personal communicator. What you can do to feel better fast too:

1. GET YOUR HAPPY BACK. Feeling down and blue isn’t your fault, but you can improve your mood no matter how bad you’re feeling. Take positive “baby steps” to get your happy back, such as talking positively to yourself in kind and caring ways today. For example, “I won’t put undue stress on myself by adding to my already over-full plate!” will stop running down your mood with the worry of negative thinking.

2. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND. “I am worthless and I can’t do anything useful to feel better now!” is the core magnetic thought of the depressed person, and it’s a thought process that draws negative energy toward the self. If no one likes or approves of you, are you still the “best friend” you have in the world to lean on?

3. LIE IN THE BED YOU’VE MADE OR WALK ON? “I’ve made my bed so now I’ve got to lie down on the sharp nails and broken glass and suffer mightily!” reinforces a passive attitude that you can’t do anything right now. An forever more, it’s truly a pile of elephant crap.

4. CAN YOU BE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY AND BE HAPPY? “I’m not good enough for you or anyone!” is a self-shaming and de-energizing negative belief that will make you hate yourself. Why look a gift horse in the mouth, namely, how you treat yourself when no one is looking? Stop putting yourself down with “I’m not good enough!” circular thinking that will make you frown and feel like a circus clown.

5. HE OR SHE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST JOYS WINS. The double-whammy: Healthy people who feel depressed also feel bad and guilty for feeling bad. Thus, “I feel bad for feeling bad about my life because I have so much going for me and to be thankful for!” is akin to hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. The guilt trip “BUT I have it all and SHOULD feel thankful!” will take you down a dark road of depression with your car lights turned out.

6. JUST A LITTLE LUCK. A little luck goes a long ways. You make your own luck when you talk positively to yourself in the long face of depression. Also, when you do little “energy in” nice things for yourself, such as get a massage, you find this “declaration of emotional independence” will inexorably pick up your spirits because “lucky opportunities” are all-ways right in front of you like the nose on your face.

7. THE SENSELESS PURSUIT OF PERFECTION WILL DRIVE YOU NUTS IN NO TIME AT ALL? “Why can’t I get it right?” … “I need your approval!” … “I’m invisible and unimportant to you!” “Why would anyone in their right mind like me when I dislike myself so much?” … “I’m bringing this on myself and always turning my shiny dreams into rust!” … “There I go again running myself down with a Mac truck of worry and negativity!” “I’m a perfect martyr” thinking … shoots your self-esteem in the head and pushes away people closest to you as punishment for your sins.

8. “MY WAY IS NOT THE ONLY WAY.” Your way is NOT the only way, thank God. Are you open to new solutions to old perplexing problems? “It’s my way or the highway!” is a set-up to make others feel controlled by your mood … and your mood controlled by no one in particular.

9. WHY FEEL INVISIBLE OR LIKE A WHOPPING FAILURE? “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done!” is a harshly judgmental guilt trip that constantly drains your battery of creative ideas and causes your engine to grind frustratingly. Failing at life isn’t possible when you keep trying to do the new when the old system is no longer working for you.

10. TAKE SOME STRESS OFF FROM YOUR SHOULDERS. “I know what to do but I don’t have the energy to do it!” isn’t true. Depressive thinking makes you dig a hole and jump right into it, discarding anyone’s help to throw you a rope ladder so you can climb out of that hole. You DO have the energy to do a few little things that prove that you’re not playing the victim violin.

THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT A DOWNER MOOD?

E-types suffer from dysphoria, states of depression and anxious moods far more consciously than I-types do. I-types keep busy being busy to avoid their feelings and to focus on the positive. Don’t believe for a second that there’s nothing you can do about a down mood. It’s just not true! In fact, there’s nothing you can’t do! Don’t let depressive thinking “brainwash” your mind and “drain” your emotional declaration of independence called “I CAN TOO…!” Heck, even God’s moody…God love us!

WHO BETTER THAN YOU TO TREAT YOURSELF TO A LITTLE CARING WHEN YOU’RE CRYING INSIDE?

The tar baby of depression makes you feel stuck fast in the lie that you can’t do anything effective to feel a little better today in caring ways. Depression numbs your positive feelings…so remember although feeling bad is not your fault … you are still response-able to take little steps in the faith that feeling what you do has something loud to say about your courageous character. So go ahead and improve yourself a little every day. A little bit of goodness and caring treatment … by you and for you … can and will carry you forward when you feel stuck in a depression.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” a book whose simple purchase for yourself can be the first great thing you do for yourself on this journey out of depression and depressive thinking.

It’s truly amazing how reliably you and I can get ourselves all riled up with nowhere useful to go! With all the mental work we put into feeling rotten and feeling bad, you’d think a person could die of a positive attitude.

Fat chance. No one has ever died of a positive attitude that I know of. But I DO know that focusing on a rotten attitude can make a downhill slide even slippier, or a downward cycle even more dizzying.

WHEN AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, TRY, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Juicing up your attitude is possible IF you’d like to. All you need is four minutes a day to use this basic change rule: “When at first you don’t succeed, try, try something DIFFERENT!” Four minutes a day to keep your attitude UP. What have you got to lose? You make time for whatever is important to you.

Here are six simple ways to keep your attitude UP when you feel knocked down and facing dreadful odds:

1. Fear NOT!
Change Rules: Fear (or any negative emotion) is a state of mind that you can feed or starve. Feeling at ease in your skin develops from the confidence that comes when you starve your fear and focus on hope and positive emotions instead.
Example: Post a sign on your computer screen that says: “There is nothing to fear…including fear itself!” Or “I may NOT be flawless BUT I am fearless!”

2. Change experts don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and then pull its teeth.
Change Rules: Look for and listen to “gold” advice (no matter what its source) that you can mine to succeed, especially when you are feeling frustrated or hopeless.
Example: Accept pearls of wisdom by jotting them down in a “Bright Ideas” file. You’ll be surprised how quickly your deposits multiply in interest.

3. Go the extra (S)mile.
Change Rules: Go the extra mile and smile sincerely at everyone you come into contact with. Smiling sends the message to your inner mind (and outer world) that you’re open to change…you like people…you have confidence in life…and you strive to like yourself even when you feel cut down. By smiling, you live in a worry-free present moment in which “Change Happens!”
Example: When you feel control has been lost, simply act as if you’re a positive person. Don’t know how? Read a book or Internet site on change management, anger (stress) education or communication skills for four minutes TODAY.

4. Dare to CARE.
Change Rules: Dare to give a care. Dare to care about YOU. Dare to care about others who care about YOU. Dare to care about yourself when you can’t keep yourself from self-doubting, self-cutting, self-downing, self-frowning or self-fuming. Angering or badgering yourself isn’t useful.
Example: Practice doing what works. Title your e-mail messages to both emphasize the positive and delete the negative, such as: “Procrastinate NOW!” “Keep your nose to the grin(d)stone!” “When at first you don’t succeed…do something different!”

5. Be a lighthouse beacon of positive energy.
Change Rules: Be a beacon of positive energy during foggy times so the ship of your dreams won’t crash against sharp rocks of resentment. Ineffectively shutting down talks, deflating a good mood, erecting a resentment wall to hide behind, or feeling chronically upset all of the time means you’re picking up and carrying anger baggage that doesn’t belong to you.
Example: Close off your energy to negative people who are suckling off your caring energy, by saying in-loud to yourself: “IT’S NOT MY STUFF!”

6. Avoid “IT made me do IT!” cynicism.
Change Rules: Do not absorb the negative energy of cynical contrarians. If you do, your chances to excel at the change race will be cut off at the knees.
Example: Use reverse psychology. Change your “IT MADE ME…” passive language into more assertive “I CHOOSE…” language. Ready or not, here comes change: Turn around “IT gets me down!” to “I get myself down!” Likewise, “IT’s just not fair!” becomes “I’m not fair!” Feel the empowering difference?

THE SHAME-AND-BLAME GAME IS LAME

Playing the shame-and-blame game is an inhibiting force because when you play, you adopt the negative opinions of someone else who’s dropping guilt bombs on you. Your feelings don’t have to have the final say about your day. Not without your consent.
Talk UP to yourself when you feel down…or at any time. It won’t kill you!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology and a communications keynote speaker and relationship coach from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.

A recent relationship communications client and new convert to the concept of embracing change initially had this to say about the miracle of change: “Change is a daunting task. I don’t stick through and finish things. Why can’t change be easier? I ignore problems and dig my own hole and then walk right into it. Once I’m in my hole it feels comfortable, like a foxhole in a war, so I don’t venture out of it out because I feel boxed in with fear!”

THE POWER TO CHANGE

Despite protestations to the contrary, most of the time we are our own worst enemies when it comes to change. How? We are too passive about what we have the power to change in ourselves OR we ignore the “elephant in the room” through denial (that is, until the elephant stampedes right through the garden of our status quo). Then we moan: “Oh, why does this always happen to me?”

NEW INSIGHTS POLL: HOW WELL DO YOU ACCEPT CHANGE?

Intelligent people are voting at the New Insights poll because they know their voices and opinions will be heard, counted and valued. How well do you accept change if you were given the three choices below? Do you accept change at work or home in ways that flow or block your potentials and new opportunities? Do you handle change differently in different life spheres, such as partnering vs. parenting? Do you block, deny, distort or ignore signs of fear or frustration that “it’s time for a change?” Here are my readers’ group responses to my change poll:

Choice #1: I LIKE CHANGE……..59.38%

Choice #2: I HATE CHANGE……..31.25%

Choice #3: I LOVE CHANGE….…..9.38%

If you don’t want to make it hard on yourself, be a student and professor of change for a change. One thing is certain to occur in your life…like or loathe it…CHANGE HAPPENS!

DO YOU HAVE A LIKE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH CHANGE?

Apparently, we have a LIKE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH CHANGE. Few of us “love change,” which is no surprise. People tend to LIKE the changes they can control, but they HATE the changes that are forced on them or out of their control. There are five fears to face down (Fear of Unknown, Fear of Failure, Fear of Commitment, Fear of Disapproval, Fear of Success) and five stages to travel through before you reach the city of Joy (all of this is discussed in my handbook: Taking the Fear out of Changing).

WHAT DO CHANGE EXPERTS KNOW ABOUT CHANGE THAT WE DON’T?

People who respect and learn from change are what I call “change experts.” They pay attention to the dynamics of change. Here’s what they know:

1. PEOPLE DIG THEIR OWN HOLES. Who better to dig your own hole than you? Let’s not be melodramatic, though. You dug your own hole…you walked up to your own hole that you dug…you walked right into the hole that you dug…you feel trapped at the bottom of the hole you dug…you are going to whine or complain about being in the hole that you dug…you are going to get ‘comfortable’ being in your hole…you are going to pessimistically believe that getting out of your hole will just mean that you will dig another hole a few feet away from the original hole and jump into it so why bother leaving this perfectly good hole that you’re already in?

2. MAKE ME MAD. When people consistently make you mad, then you are spurred on to change to reduce negativity and frustration.

3. IT’S YOUR FAULT. Blaming someone else (or anyone, self included) or something else for the state of your life, robs you of your personal power to change.

4. BUT I NEVER SAW IT COMING. The major symptom of the human ostrich who buries her/his head in the sand is, “Youch…I never saw it coming!” Truthfully, now, warning whistles often sound and give you a clue that change is in the winds.

5. WHAT’S MY ATTITUDE GOT TO DO WITH IT? Your positive attitude adds the “magical dust” that sprinkles your dreams with the miracle of change.

6. YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE. Believing you HAVE TO change will actually cause a reverse-psychology resistant-to-change mindset…you will dig in your heels to the status quo and stubbornly refuse to move ahead, like an old mule. That’s why you often hear: “You can’t teach old mules new tricks” or “I’m too young to change.”

7. DROP OFF THE GUILT CARGO THAT CAUSES STUPOR. Feeling guilty about anything will cause you to carry old cargo that weighs down your best efforts and makes you feel like Samson…robbed of inner strength when your hair (self-esteem) is snipped, cut down or betrayed in loving relationships.

8. USE AN INNER CIRCLE OF ADVISORS. I don’t know where I would be without the “neutral input” of my inner circle of advisors who often surprise me with their advice. For example, my recent book began as a book to “bump up your mood” until one advisor suggested … “It’s not about mood…it’s about communication…and relationship communication affects mood in a major way.”

9. ARE YOU ON A DEAD RUN ALL THE TIME? If you wait UNTIL you get it all done…or you’re the perfect person…you will end up waiting until your funeral comes.

10. CALL TO CHANGE. Genuine efforts to change are made when you become “emotionally aware” that what you’re doing isn’t effective or rewarding for this stage in your life.

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD OF CHANGE

Although you will be O.K. going down any change road you elect to go down—some roads are harder and some roads are easier. Change experts don’t mind “working in advance of rewards.” They constantly monitor the negative sides of fear and frustration to determine their impact upon their change goals. After all, change is all-ways a very personal thing…it’s your life…it’s a change world, after all.

LOOKS AS IF CHANGE IS A GOOD THING

It’s time to stop waiting for others to change what they won’t. Time to trust in the process of change, instead of fearing that change will make you a world-class clown or laughingstock. Self-dignity is respecting your needs to make your life better in caring ways through using change tools, right? Do you love change? Nah…but you CAN deal with change as positively and productively as possible to prove unconditionally that you love yourself!

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, founder of New Communications Insights, urges his readers to think about how many times a day they actually engage in change: they change clothes, change their minds, change batteries in run-down appliances and gadgets, change positions while watching TV, change their order at the lunchtime restaurant, change shoes, count change at the cashier and change their speed in accordance with traffic lights. See? Change CAN be easy! He’s also the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.”

Previous New Insights Communication polls have included “What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With?” … “Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?” … “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?”

How have you celebrated being alive today?

If God were to ask you: “How have you loved being alive today?” “Who have you touched with the grace of your smile?” “Are you grudge-full or grate-full?” “Have you seen me in our child’s beaming face?” “Do you work in the Church of Joy or the Church of Misery?” What would your honest answers be to these heart-hitting questions? Don’t allow yourself to be chained to a false prophet called negative thinking and negative talking. Start celebrating your life instead.

THERE’S NO BETTER TIME FOR JOY THAN TODAY

There’s no better time than today to tap into many, many, tiny moments of joy.

Celebrate the fact that you can’t change anyone but yourself.

Celebrate the awareness that you can make a new choice at any time.

Celebrate the reality that only you have the power to control your own mind.

Celebrate the wisdom of God, who keeps you safe and loves you unconditionally.

Celebrate the importance of having joy in this one life to live.

Celebrate the capacity to open your mind to new insights.

Celebrate finding ways to enjoy yourself despite failure.

Celebrate that you’re a fully feeling human being.

Celebrate being surprised.

Celebrate having faith.

Celebrate having friends.

Celebrate having another day to express who you are.

Celebrate bags of resentments dropping off like heavy rocks.

Celebrate revenge boomerangs being knocked away.

Celebrate accepting yourself after being rejected.

Celebrate the joys of partnering and parenting.

Celebrate starting, persevering, swerving, finishing.

Celebrate lives lost and lives bravely led.

Celebrate balancing a sour reality with your sweetest dreams.

Celebrate the healing power of a sincere apology.

Celebrate the mystery of creation.

Celebrate being forgiving in order to be forgiven.

Celebrate life by speaking words of caring when you don’t feel like it.

Celebrate any love you’ve ever been blessed to receive.

Celebrate a small child’s glorious intuitions.

Celebrate the wisdom of your elders.

Celebrate getting your anger out in healthy ways.

Celebrate life by trusting, risking and reaching out when there is no logical reason, whatsoever, to do so.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the grate-full author of a proven new communication theory found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.

I tell my youngest daughter Kasey (and myself) when she gets all funky and grumpy: “Change your attitude!” And when she goes off on an inappropriate conversational tangent, I say: “Change the subject!”

PUMP UP YOUR ENERGY

That kind of thinking is both helpful and a comic relief when my last nerve has been ripped from my brain and my immortal patience stripped from my soul. BUT how do you pump up your energy when your attitude has been flattened by stress or stressful people or relationships at home or work?

CHANGE THE SUBJECT

You TOO can be as happy as a clam at high tide when you apply positive communication tools and principles FOUR minutes each day. That’s right…four minutes, five times a week. Can you afford four minutes to improve your confidence? You can’t afford not to.

PUMPING UP YOUR ENERGY WHEN YOUR ATTITUDE HAS BEEN FLATTENED BY STRESS

BUT here’s the catch: You actually have to use and apply these change communication principles…so look at people and SMILE sincerely at them as you:

1. “It’s not what people call you BUT what you answer to!”
What’s the point? Talk to the mirror of your mind. Disallow anyone from making up your mind or otherwise doing your thinking for you. Talk about your true thoughts, instead of allowing others’ rhetorical bullying or ill-fitting opinions to unduly influence you.

2. Change your “to do” list to a DO(NE) one.
What’s the point? Perfectionist-focused procrastinators make a “to do list” that just statically sits around waiting to be done. Prime your mind by using a DO(NE) list that makes you accountable for what you have/haven’t done.

3. Give yourself a WOW.
What’s the point? Give yourself a bow and a WOW (Words of Wisdom) by actively using everyday, common sense words of wisdom to change your life as you go about co-creating your day. For example, “Nobody’s perfect.” “It’s not who’s at fault that fixes a problem but WHAT new thing we can do that works.” “I can’t afford to give you a piece of my mind.” Or, “IF you drive me up a wall I WILL find a way(s) to climb back down again!”

4. Get a grip on griping.
What’s the point? Get a grip on grousing and griping about why others drive you up a wall. Instead, send a point-by-point email to yourself that lays out what goals you would like to achieve and the timelines you have. Others’ procrastination can’t drive you up a wall unless you allow it to.

5. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can put into today.
What’s the point? Forget waiting…forget waiting for magic…forget waiting for miracles…forget waiting until your stars align just right. Wait no longer. DO something different today by being a student of effective communication. Imagine changing a little thing in your routine, such as parking in a new parking spot at work for a month without fail.

6. Free up time for a four-minute attitude adjustment.
What’s the point? “There’s nothing I can do about IT!” busts your attitude down to its bootstraps. By taking just four minutes a day to read something positive, you can pump up your mind with encouragers instead of feeling as flat as a pancake or as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockers.

7. Talk some sense to yourself.
What’s the point? The blame and shame game forces you to talk to yourself in limiting ways about who’s to blame for what and what you would REALLY like to say to an offender to even the score. By focusing on what you’re NOT getting and who’s to blame for it, you stay stuck in a rut spinning your tires getting nowhere fast by focusing your energy on loss.

8. Pop the BIG question.
What’s the point? Big isn’t better. In fact, all large accomplishments are made in a series of small steps taken in a timely manner. You want BIG? Pop the BIG question, and mull over in your mind: “What one small thing for a lifetime would I like to be known for?”

9. Go the extra (S)MILE.
What’s the point? Going the “extra mile” for a customer or lover endears you to others. Moreover, when you feel bad but go the extra (S)MILE you will uplift your mood to reach your goals.

10. Change the subject (focus) of your attitude to alter your mood.
What’s the point? If your inner chatter agitates you…then say out loud: Change the subject! Why focus on who’s to blame or what’s not working instead of WHAT will fix the problem? And why make things worse when your mood sucks pears by playing the greatest hits of anger or worry?

WHAT TO DO WHEN STRESS EVENTS NIP AT THE HEELS OF YOUR SELF-ESTEEM

You may not have much control over stress events that nip at the heels of your self-esteem, but you CAN pump up an attitude that has been flattened by stress, simply by using these simple and easy “talk sense to change yourself” strategies that are in the “Talk to Me” house. You have a lot more to say about your attitude during the day than does a passerby.

Here’s the catch point: Do you treat yourself to the kindnesses you expect others to treat you to? Well, why muck up your attitude and make things worse when your mood sucks pears?

Dennis O’Grady is founder of New Insights Communications and a professional psychologist who understands that the best kind of talking, counseling and therapy is the kind that establishes good communications skills and focuses on change….change for the better, change for the future, change that helps the world go forward instead of spinning and spinning in place.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training and positive relationship workbook.