Posts in category: TYPE TALK

GIVE FEEDBACK EVEN WHEN HURTS A TALK PARTNER’S FEELINGS?

Are you willing to tell someone what they don’t want to hear? Do you know how to carry on a decent conversation with a teen? Do you fear the pitfalls of giving honest constructive feedback? Most of us would agree that it’s not good to tell someone what they don’t want to hear…because they won’t listen…and they’ll hate your guts, along with harboring a bad attitude toward you. When you do give constructive feedback, have you noticed that you sometimes unintentionally hurt your talk partner’s feelings…especially if the person is pre-wired to be a sensitive (Empathizer-type) communicator, vs. an insensitive (Instigator-type) communicator? I ran into this issue of corrective feedback with my new teenage driver recently. It’s a hard nut to crack!

TEACHING A TEEN TO DRIVE ON THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY

The Driving Problem: I felt stunned when I spotted my teenage daughter on the road with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand holding a cell phone up to her ear. That wasn’t the agreement! I was ready to let it rip to make my point.

Reactionary Knee-Jerk-Me-Jerk Feedback: I could have let loose and spewed from the Talk’s negative mode like this: “Hey, Erin, what were you thinking? That’s right! You weren’t thinking!! Did you think you could get away with this? Fat chance. Are you trying to get yourself killed? Young lady you’ve lost your driving privileges for a month.”

Whom Are You Talking To, By Type? Erin is a sensitive, Empathizer-type (E-type). If she were a thicker-skinned Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, I could have probably gotten away with dressing her down like that in private — but not in public. Why? Because I-types let the water of criticism run off their backs like the proverbial duck. However, Erin is an E-type communicator, and she might easily have written me off for a very long time…or for life! Why? E-types are very sensitive; like to be liked; fear disapproval or being harshly criticized; fear making mistakes or appearing foolish or stupid; tune in to the volume of the voice tone and amplify the negative words; take criticism to heart; replay criticisms in their mind so much they might have difficulty sleeping at night; criticize themselves for small mistakes; and, when, defensive, throw up a wall or emotionally shut down in depression. Erin is a sensitive E-type communicator…a little criticism goes a long way!

Who Are You To Talk? What if the speaker, Dad, or boss is an I-type? Well, if my style were to be a straight shooter…a problem-solver…a map maker and responsible change-agent…a tell-it-like-it-is type person when others are shying away from telling the truth — specifically, if I were an Instigator-type communicator, then I would be prone to switching talk lanes and saying something foolish that I would regret for a long time — such as, “You’re going to turn out to be a dizzy female driver who ends up in an expensive accident like so many women, if you keep this up young lady!” Not a good attitude for a young woman to adopt, I think. But wasn’t the deal no cell phones used while driving, due to safety issues?

TALKING TO ANYONE ABOUT ANYTHING

Why does all this matter in the Talk to Me© system? Knowing that Erin is a sensitive, Empathizer-type communicator, and that I was feeling like an insensitive, Instigator-type communicator, I chose to deliver my corrective feedback thusly:

(Standing in the garage) Erin, I am going to speak for one to two minutes and you are going to listen. This is about your driving. After I’m finished speaking, I will remain quiet while you talk to me for one to two minutes. There are to be no interruptions.

I know I must have been seeing things. I passed you driving on 48 and saw you with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand pressed up to your right ear. You were holding in your right hand what appeared to be your cell phone, and you appeared to be talking. It was about 3:30 P.M., and you would have been returning home from work. I know this couldn’t have actually taken place.

The intention of the rule of “no cell phone use” while driving is to make sure you concentrate on your driving. You are a new driver, and a very good driver. Statistics show that you have a good chance of getting into an accident when you’re not paying attention. Only having one hand on the steering wheel is not paying attention. I know you are a careful and responsible driver, and I know this must have been a mistake, one that you won’t repeat.

In terms of punishment, I am in my full rights as a parent to suspend your driving privileges for a week or longer. I am not going to do that. I figure you must have been excited to share your job news or whatever. But this won’t happen again, I just know it. I consider this conversation sufficient to get the result that we all want — that of you being a safe driver. Perhaps later I will allow cell phone use, but for now, pull over and park whenever you need to take or make a call.

In fact, I don’t care if the President…Pope…or your Papa calls, don’t answer it. Now I’ve used my time, and it’s time for you to talk.

TALKING…LISTENING…TALKING

Erin apologized for talking on her cell phone. She confirmed that she was talking on the phone to her mother who had called. Erin worried that perhaps it was an emergency. She didn’t feel dressed down by me, and I no longer felt upset and disappointed. My intention was to stress safety and clarify the rules one more time. The rest is up to her. I have great faith in my daughter. If I had suffered from a case of “mistaken identity,” — that Erin was a tough-minded Instigator communicator instead of the sensitive E-type — I would have talked real tough…perhaps even yelled at her…and I would have lost the battle, and perhaps the entire identity and psychological individuation war.

What can I say? Know who you’re talking to by type. Otherwise, you’re going to make people mad, who don’t need to be — and you’re going to fail to make people, who ought to be, uncomfortable.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a Dayton company specializing in innovative and effective communication skills. Dennis is a relationship communication coach, corporate trainer, and author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Dr. O’Grady’s keynote speeches include Just Talk, Giving Feedback, Listen Up! and Effective Leadership Communication. He is both the proud father of a new teenage driver and the proud father of a new communication approach to talking with anyone about anything.

I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU

Are you prejudiced for or against the Empathizer or Instigator communicator style? Of course you are. As I continue to utilize the Talk to Me© effective communication system in corporate training and relationship communication coaching programs, I repeatedly find that once clients or trainees know their types, they realize that they have a bone to pick with their opposite types. In fact, I’ve run directly into a wall of prejudices each type has of the other. It appears that if we don’t like how we’re being conversed with and treated, we pull a sophisticated blame move I affectionately call Psychoanalytical Critiquing. That’s practicing psychology without a license!

PSYCHOANALYTICAL CRITIQUES, EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR STYLE

Blame the other person for a miscommunication? Not on your watch, so you say. But here is a litany of criticisms, fair or unfair, fact or fancy, that need to be faced (not feared) by every positive communicator who intends to unblock backups caused by accidents on Talk Highway:

CRITIQUE OF E-TYPES BY I-TYPES — CRITIQUE OF I-TYPES BY E-TYPES

The I-type thinks — You are too sensitive.

The E-type assumes — You are too insensitive.

The I-type thinks — You are too generous.

The E-type assumes — You are too selfish.

The I-type thinks — You are too passive.

The E-type assumes — You are too aggressive.

The I-type thinks — You are too co-dependent.

The E-type assumes — You are too independent.

The I-type thinks — You are too conforming.

The E-type assumes — You are too rebellious.

The I-type thinks — You worry too much.

The E-type assumes — You don’t worry about anything.

The I-type thinks — You are too frigid.

The E-type assumes — You are too free with your sexuality.

The I-type thinks –You are too depressed.

The E-type assumes — You are too hyper-optimistic.

The I-type thinks — You don’t take very good care of yourself.

The E-type assumes — You only take care of yourself.

The I-type thinks — You talk too much.

The E-type assumes — You never put your ideas on the table.

The I-type thinks — You are too laid back.

The E-type assumes — You are too driven.

The I-type thinks — You are too easy-going.

The E-type assumes — You are too critical.

The I-type thinks — You are too prudent.

The E-type assumes — You are too impudent.

The I-type thinks — You are a perfectionist.

The E-type assumes — You are a workaholic.

The I-type thinks — You are too wishy-washy.

The E-type assumes — You are stubborn as a mule.

The I-type thinks — You are too emotionally needy.

The E-type assumes — You don’t need anybody.

The I-type thinks — You are too downheartened.

The E-type assumes — You don’t feel anything.

I-types think — You are too demanding.

E-types assume — You don’t care.

I-types think — You pout like a big baby.

E-types assume — You don’t get mad, you get even.

I-types think — You can’t stand going it alone.

E-types assume — You are a loner.

I-types think — You are as dumb as a rock.

E-types assume — You are too smart for your own good.

I-types think — You get along with everyone.

E-types assume — You can’t get along with anyone who disagrees with you.

I-types think — You don’t know what you want.

E-types assume — You only think about your own wants.

I-types think — You can’t ever be satisfied.

E-types assume — You ought to be satisfied with what you’ve got.

I-types think — You can’t let go of fear and relax.

E-types assume — You’re mad and grumpy too much of the time.

I-types think — You beat up on yourself.

E-types assume — You don’t listen to corrective feedback.

I-types think — You shut down when you’re hurt.

E-types assume — You can’t think straight and talk crooked when you’re mad.

I-types think — You’re too good for your own good.

E-types assume — You think I’m bad when you’re mad.

I types think — You’re drug down by guilt.

E-types assume — You don’t feel guilty enough.

I-types think — You don’t let anything go.

E-types assume — You want to get past the past or throw in the towel.

I-types think — You’re too patient.

E-types assume — You’re too impatient.

I-types think — You’re afraid of success.

E-types assume — You’re afraid of failure.

I-types think — You’re a martyr who suffers.

E-types assume — You’re a persecutor who makes others suffer.

I-types think — You’re afraid of conflict.

E-types assume — You love conflict.

I-types think — You think God is a killjoy.

E-types assume — You think joy is God.

I-types think — You can’t stand being happy.

E-types assume — You can’t buy happiness.

CONNECT THE DOTS BETWEEN YOUR HEAD AND YOUR HEART

Use this list (which can be found on pp.189-192, Talk to Me) before you decide to confront someone by launching a criticism or hurling an insult. You must prepare before you go to the Communicator Table. Remember, the traits above which are in normal type are criticisms often levied at Empathizers during a heated discussion. The traits in italicized type are frequent E-type criticisms of Instigators. Just because your talk partner makes these remarks doesn’t make them true. Only wear the shoe if it fits!

THE COMMUNICATOR TABLE:  PREPARE … CLARIFY … CONFIRM … LISTEN UP!

Why must you prepare in advance of an important conversation? Practicing new talk strategies in several scenarios that might come up during the conversation will make you more confident and able to dodge potholes in the Talk Highway. When you feel fearful or frustrated, there are increased chances that you will become a reactive and inaccurate communicator. And if you react too much, you are going to need psychoanalysis, because your talk partners will call 911 and tell the responders that you’re talking gibberish and incoherently. It’s hard to talk with others when your foot is in your mouth!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the founder of New Insights Communication, a relationship communications coaching and corporate training company located in Dayton, Ohio. Dennis holds a B.A. degree from Michigan State University, an M.A. degree in College Counseling from Michigan State University, and The Doctorate of Psychology degree from Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. Dr. O’Grady is the president-elect of the Dayton Psychological Association. His latest book is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, available at Amazon and drogrady.com. You can talk to Dr. O’Grady today by calling (937) 428-0724.

IF THE SHOE FITS

Can you walk in the talk shoes of an Instigator (I-type) communicator who is known to have thick skin? What if you’re a thin-skinned, Empathizer (E-type) communicator? How are you supposed to keep your feelings in check around The Logical One?

Now, if you are an E-type, chances are you’ve inadvertently run headlong into a talk collision — or three — with an Instigator communicator at some point. It’s not your fault! As an Empathizer, you probably have concluded that I-types are “high task (vs. touch) and coldly logical.” But that’s not enough information to map out your next communication move on the congested and fast-moving two-way communicator highway. So, what are you supposed to do when you’re traveling with an insensitive communicator passenger or driver?

CHANGING THE FLAT TIRE OF BAD COMMUNICATION, INSTIGATOR STYLE

Here then are a few key summary points about how Instigator-type communicators (p. 148-149, Talk to Me) drive and operate quite differently from E-types, on the two-way communicator highway…in the lanes of Beliefs and Behaviors.

Instigator-type communicators:

• Are intimidated by the E-types’ relationship skills
• Value protecting loved ones, country, company
• By nature, are big thinkers who don’t mind disagreeing
• Dislike hurting others but are too insensitive to the others’ feelings
• Will push their points of view, and push back effectively
• Enjoy talking confidently and persuasively
• Act like they don’t fear corrective criticisms
• Give themselves huge challenges on regular basis
• Have the attitude of, “It’s only business, it’s nothing personal!” to keep resentment in check
• Are fired up by unfair criticism as in, “Well, I’ll show you….”
• See compliments as unnecessary, perhaps insincere, and demotivational
• Drive the mood of the office or household, for better or worse
• Are comfortable being in the middle of the action but can feel weary
• Are progress- and change-centered, and they tend to be a smart workers
• Are achievement-centered throughout life
• Are impatient if results don’t come quickly enough for them
• Find that, when their energy is down, driving performance speeds up
• Are bored by soft voices, drooping postures or facial signs of disinterest
• Will stick to repeating logical points when emotions run high
• Prone to excessive self-esteem but can feel insecure
• When distressed, can’t bite their tongues and will say something stupid
• Will be stubborn like a mule when they should sit back and listen up
• Are doers to a fault and have trouble being in a relaxing pose
• Use a this-is-now approach: “Since I apologized for my mistake, let’s move on and get on down the road!”
• Can’t see how only talking about the “elephant in the room” helps clean up the piles of dung or mess left
• Are cool under pressure…putting out fires…but they may stir the pot
• Rely on the mind and intellectual powers as prime driving forces

A NATURAL BORN LEADER

If you are an I-type, then you are a natural-born leader, willing and able to take charge any time. You understand that your words say as much as your actions do.

JUST TALK: BUILDING TRUST THROUGH POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Are you able to walk in the shoes of your opposite communicator type? Please don’t tell me you can’t explain at least three of the crucial differences between Empathizer-type (E-type) and Instigator-type (I-type) communicators by NOW. The benefit to you of knowing these differences — or how opposite talk types attract and repel — is far greater communicator effectiveness and fewer misunderstandings. Just you check it out for yourself and see!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.

ARE YOU WIRED TO TAKE ON BLAME?

Who’s to blame for miscommunication patterns? Empathizer (E-type) communicators are interpersonally wired to take on blame and search for reasons why they have or haven’t done something to negatively impact a relationship. Ergo, the muse, “You are too sensitive for your own good!” Instigator (I-type) communicators are interpersonally wired to avoid blame or to blame the situation as the problem. Hence, the belief, “It’s not my fault and feeling bad won’t accomplish anything good!” Conflict results when energy is focused on affixing blame instead of fixing the problem of faulty communication.

EMPATHIZER AND INSTIGATOR TALKERS IN CONFLICT

Confusing communication causes conflict. Empathizers keep secret how Instigators aren’t being helpful for fear of hurting their talk partners’ feelings. Nonetheless, an E-type talker in conflict with an I-type talker perceives and views these stances as unhelpful:

1. Playing the role of the noble victim. E-types don’t respect anyone who feigns a one-down position to grab the upper hand of power.

Confusing I-Type Message: “I’ve done a lot to try to make this relationship work, and this situation is very hard on me, too.”

(Implication: If anyone’s to blame, it’s obviously not me! I deserve some sympathy.)

2. Putting me in a situation where I feel pressured to play the role of a quasi-authority figure. E-types don’t like being cornered to make suggestions that will be rebutted and not used.

Confusing I-Type Message: “Then you tell me what to do! Lay out a very clear course for us to follow. Give me a plan. What would you like for me to do for you?”

(Implication: If you make the plan, then I can’t be held responsible if it fails.)

3. Stirring the pot by bringing drama into the situation. E-types like peace and quiet and feel distressed when their relationships are stressed.

Confusing I-Type Message: “When I try to be helpful, you get resentful. You’re over-reacting and getting too emotional. I don’t want to upset the apple cart or stir the pot, but I’m not going to put a big smile on a pile of stinky crap, either.”

(Implication: Whenever I play the part of a good guy or gal, you can’t help but see things my way.)

4. Creating issues to face or fear. E-types intensely dislike issues, created out of thin air, which make them feel vulnerable or fearful.

Confusing I-Type Message: I’m not making up this issue. This is a legitimate issue, and it really is a big deal whether you agree with me or not.

(Implication: This relationship is in serious trouble! Somehow, we must not be right for each other.)

5. Spinning their ideas around in my mind. E-types feel many things are their fault and are ultimately theirs to change.

Confusing I-Type Message: “If only you had _______(fill in the blank), or if you hadn’t ________ (fill in the blank), then things would have gone so much better. We wouldn’t be having these problems.”

(Implication: These problems are really your fault, not mine — even if I didn’t ask you to do, or not do, these things, you should have known! Didn’t you pass Mind Reading 101 in school?)

6. Making accusations like “Why don’t you care?” E-types pride themselves on being caring and compassionate people. This tends to make the E-type feel pressured to do what was asked, even when uncomfortable doing it, to demonstrate devotion…despite that doing so is taxing physically, emotionally, or financially.

Confusing I-Type Message: “If you do not ___________, (fill in the blank — usually something very difficult to do), then you must not really care about me.” (Or you’re not right for me, or this relationship is doomed, etc.)

(Implication: If this relationship doesn’t end up working out, then it’s going to be your fault because you didn’t — or you did — ___________ (whatever was asked to be done.).

7. Running away from feelings. E-types view I-types as prone to running away from solving emotional problems.

Confusing I-Type Message: “You don’t understand. I’m not cold or heartless because I’m in this for the long haul and I don’t drop out of sight when the going gets tough.

(Implication: If the E-type is in this for the long haul, s/he’d better be ready to do a lot of compromising…and endurance training.)

8. Switching talk lanes abruptly. The E-type communicator can point out that the I-type is actually exhibiting one of the above patterns, and that it’s not a good way to communicate and resolve problems, only to have the I-type very subtly and quickly change topics to bring up another issue that is blamed on the E-type.

Confusing I-Type Message: “I’m not being defensive. I’m just being logical and factual. You’re just taking this out of context again.”

(Implication: It’s actually somehow the E-type’s fault if the I-type exhibits these patterns, again putting the E-type on the defensive.)

When you understand how you’re viewed by your opposite communicator type, you have a greater ability to communicate clearly in ways that bring about change and which don’t sow discord and conflict.

ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the innovative researcher and teacher of the Talk to Me© innovative communication system. You can obtain Dr. O’Grady’s self-empowering textbook of results-driven communication strategies, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, at drogrady.com or Amazon. Dennis provides relationship communication coaching, corporate training and event keynotes on effective relationship communication, using his powerful model of adopting the strengths of Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators.

DO YOU WEAR YOUR FEELINGS OPENLY ON A SHIRT SLEEVE?

Are you able to walk in the shoes of your opposite communicator type? Please don’t tell me you don’t know at least three of the crucial differences between Empathizer-type (E-type) and Instigator-type (I-type) communicators. The benefit to you of knowing these differences — or how opposite talk types attract and repel — is far greater communicator effectiveness and fewer misunderstandings. Just you check it out for yourself and see!

ARE YOU ABLE TO WALK IN THE SHOES OF AN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR AND KNOW WHAT MAKES THEM TICK OR TICKED OFF?

The old proverb says, “You can’t compare apples and oranges.” So what do E-types (Empathizer-type communicators) need to know about I-types (Instigator-type communicators)?

I-types:

1. Dislike being backed into a corner where logical arguments fail them.

2. Dislike being at fault for a communication breakdown or emotional meltdown.

3. Are natural trial attorneys who can split hairs and convincingly argue a fine point of relationship law.

4. Assume that co-communicators should not wear their feelings openly on a shirt sleeve.

5. Work on their own time schedule and dislike being pushed or prodded to make a decision.

6. Are the world’s best procrastinators and might imply that they will complete tasks which are ultimately left undone.

7. Feel trapped and backed against a wall when they perceive that the contributions they are expected to make to a relationship are externally dictated.

8. Resent and balk at being required to stick to specific behavioral agreements with designated performance time lines.

9. Quickly point out extremes in thinking, as in “You never….” or “You always….”

10. Are logicians who use precise, plausible arguments to throw you off the central point of the discussion.

11. Will criticize their talk partners for being too perfect and for unreasonably expecting perfect relationship interactions.

To be better communicators, we must become more able to walk in the shoes of our opposite communicator type.

TEST YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE TODAY

It couldn’t be easier to know your type and to whom you’re talking, by type, when you use talknology. Click here on What’s Your Type? and take less than a minute to answer the “yes” or “no” questions you find on the NICI (New Insights Communication Inventory). A free Communicator Style report will immediately be sent to your mailbox. You won’t ever receive any advertising or further marketing, as a result of finding out your communicator type.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region corporate trainer, keynote speaker, couples counselor, and relationship expert. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.