Posts in category: TYPE TALK

Can you walk in the talk shoes of an Empathizer (E-type) communicator? Now, if you are an Instigator communicator (I-type), chances are you’ve inadvertently run headlong into a talk collision — or three — with an Empathizer communicator at some point. It’s not your fault! As an Instigator, you probably have concluded that E-types are “high touch and terribly emotional.” But that’s not enough information to map out your next communication move on the congested and fast-moving two-way communicator highway. So, what are you supposed to do when you’re traveling with a sensitive communicator passenger or driver?

KEYS TO THE IGNITION OF GOOD COMMUNICATION, EMPATHIZER STYLE

Here then are a few key summary points about how Empathizer-type communicators (p. 95-98 Talk to Me) drive and operate quite differently on the two-way communicator highway…in the lanes of Emotions and Talks.

Empathizer-type communicators:

• Are intimidated by the I-types’ debating skills
• Desire approval and recognition
• By nature, are shy about speaking up or disagreeing
• Are too sensitive to hurting others
• Won’t push their points of view, nor will they push back effectively
• Enjoy more compliments
• Fear corrective criticisms
• Stew and brood when talks aren’t going well
• “It’s only business, it’s nothing personal!” rings untrue
• Are de-motivated by criticism over the long haul
• See sincere compliments as being motivational
• Are person vs. policy focused
• Are behind-the-scenes workhorses who may feel under-appreciated
• Are relationship-centered
• Worry that they aren’t achieving enough
• Find that, when their mood is down, performance goes down
• Are intimidated by booming voices or facial signs of disapproval
• Can’t hear logical arguments when emotions run high
• Find that public scolding leads to personal stewing
• When distressed, will act up and do something stupid
• Will yield when they should push back and stand their ground
• Are good listeners to a fault
• Can see the “elephant in the room”
• Have solutions to pesky problems, but may not be able to lead the charge toward change

UNDERSTANDING YOUR OPPOSITE COMMUNICATOR TYPE PAYS DIVIDENDS

Do you want to get along with your opposite communicator type, instead of causing massive problems, my dear Instigator friends? Of course you do. Why would you want poor communication to push out mega-opportunities? Do you want to force positive people or truckloads of money to go flying right out of your life? New communication moves that the Talk to Me system will teach you, are as simple to recognize as the nose on your face. You don’t see the obvious honker unless you’re coached by a trusted advisor to look in the mirror of good communication.

TODAY’S TALK TOOL

Begin noticing crucial distinctive differences and communicator dimensions that will pay dividends. Today’s Talk Tool: When talking with an Empathizer, soften your voice tone and give pause or space to listen.

ABOUT THE TALK TO ME EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

Dr. Dennis O’Grady wrote the book on good communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, available at drogrady.com or at Amazon. Dennis is a communications psychologist who leads Listen Up! workshops, which teach teams to listen better and become better communicators. Dr. O’Grady is the original developer of the powerful new person-driven, leadership communication system called Talk to Me© . Get your roadmap to communication success today by consulting with Dennis O’Grady.

BEING IGNORANT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE STUPID

Most misunderstandings and relationship conflicts are caused by ignorance of communicator styles. “I’m more swayed by others opinions,” is a prime example of Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators. “I’m comfortable disagreeing or debating an issue,” is more typical of the Instigator-type (I-type) communicator. When you flexibly adopt each type’s opposing set of communication rules or life viewpoints, you will discover, “People energize me instead of drain me.”

INTERPERSONAL INSENSITIVITY VS. SENSITIVITY TRAINING

People don’t ordinarily intend to be difficult or mean. They are simply acting in the dark or dim light of restricted thinking about “one size fits all” communication. That’s why men and women become lazy and complacent by blaming the opposite sex for their travel troubles on the two-way communication highway. Thus, E-types benefit from “insensitivity training” so that what annoying people say is taken less personally. I-types benefit from “sensitivity training” or taking relationship distress signals more personally.

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU OR YOUR WAY OF DOING THINGS?

E-type partners shut up and shut down when their I-type talk partners don’t appear to want to hear what they’re trying to say. Then an I-typer will lament, “I didn’t realize anything was wrong. It just came out of the blue at me.” The following relationship sentiments and rules are what E-types, whether a male or female, don’t know about I-types:

1. Why do I always have to play by your rules? I-types dislike being backed into a corner where logical arguments fail them.

2. But I didn’t intend to hurt you or be insensitive. I-types dislike being at fault for a communication breakdown or emotional meltdown.

3. That’s not exactly what I said. I-types are natural trial attorneys who can split hairs and convincingly argue a fine point of relationship law.

4. You’ve got to take responsibility for your own feelings. I-types assume that co-communicators oughtn’t wear their feelings openly on a shirt sleeve.

5. I like to take my time and make a careful decision. I-types work on their own time schedule and dislike being pushed or prodded to make a decision.

6. That I say I’ll consider it—doesn’t mean I’ll do it. I-types are the world’s best procrastinators and imply that they will take many actions which are ultimately left undone.

7. You’re not going to tell me what to think or do. I-types feel trapped and backed against a wall when they perceive that the contributions they are expected to make to a relationship are externally dictated.

8. I had no control over that. I-types resent and balk at being required to stick to specific behavioral agreements with designated performance time lines.

9. I think that’s an exaggeration. I-types quickly point out extremes in thinking as in “You never….” or “You always….”

10. I never said I would do it by then. I-types are “logicians” who use precise logical arguments to throw you off the central point of the discussion.

11. It’s easier to be a saint than to live with one. I-types will criticize their talk partners for being too perfect and unreasonably expecting “perfect” relationship actions.

To be better communicators, we must become more able to walk in the shoes of our opposite communicator type.

TUNE IN, TURN ON, DROP THE GUILT

You know how I-types tune in to self, while E-types tune in to others. A mix or combination communicator type tunes in to everything and everyone. Can you be both types now? No, not until you study and use the “Talk to Me” system which is designed to make you a more confident communicator who appreciates the communicator strengths and Achilles heel of everyone.

WOMEN TALK MORE THAN MEN?

Here is a comment from a recent trainee: “You dispelled the myth that because my wife is a woman, that she doesn’t get it because I’m a man. My wife can take the conversation in a totally different direction, and I thought it was because she is an emotionally-based woman. But now I know that I’m an Instigator and my wife is an Empathizer. If we learn your communicator trait system, I believe we can learn to communicate better, and we won’t miscommunicate as often. Also, I can apply this to my profession. If I can put myself in the customers shoes, and understand where their coming from, I can go further in business, too.”

WHO IS DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton region corporate trainer, relationship communications coach, and developer of the “Talk to Me” positive and effective communication system. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is Dennis’s third book, which is currently available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon.com.

WAS IT YOUR FAULT?

Who’s to blame? Wasn’t it your fault? And who’s the bad gal or guy here, screwing everything up? To talk or not to talk…that is the question. When misunderstandings and misfiring emotions run high between Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators, unhappiness abounds like fleas on a hound. These glaring differences can cause a communicator clash, eventual fender bender, or 20 car pileup talk crash.

DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

Due to ignorance, blaming another person for not being your communicator type is common. Here are how Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators look and sound very differently. Example: Each can view the same accident scene, yet have completely different and often opposing eyewitness stories. Here are a few classic opposite E- vs. I-type life views that cause communicator clashes:

CLASSIC EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR VIEWS

“You think that it’s all my fault!” (E-view of I-Types) … vs… “You know darn well that it’s all your fault!” (I-view of E-types)

“You give out blame.” (E-view)…vs…”You take on blame.” (I-view)

“It’s not my fault!” (I-view)…vs…”It’s probably all my fault!” (E-view)

“You (I-types) talk louder and faster when you’re annoyed.” (E-view)…vs…”You (E-types) get softer and quieter in speech when you’re annoyed.” (I-view)

“You (I-types) add unnecessary arguing and debating.” (E-view)…vs…”You (E-types) stop talking when you’re not validated.” (I-view)

“You (I-types) think I’m dumb.” (E-view)…vs…”I think I have all the right answers!” (I-view).

DO YOU GIVE BLAME OR TAKE BLAME?

When it comes to handing out blame, there are only FOUR communication choices.

Choice 1: You’re to blame (not likely).

Choice 2: I’m to blame (even more unlikely).

Choice 3: Let’s debate who’s to blame and decide a winner and loser (more likely).

Choice 4: No one’s to blame (most likely) but some things have got to change.

When you treat your opposite communicator as if they’re stupid or resisting the proposed plan by being obstinate or resistive, blame games go off like fireworks on the Fourth of July.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DENNIS E O’GRADY, Psy.D.?

Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications specialist, the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me communication system. For 30+ years, Dennis has focused on the areas of effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His new, proven communication theory is easy to learn and implement, bringing astounding results in both business and personal relationships. Talk to Me can be previewed at www.drogrady.com, and is available both at that site and at Amazon.com.

BENEFITS OF KNOWING YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE?

“It’s all about you!” is a snappy cliché. But, of course it’s true. Empathizers fidget when I ask, “What’s in it for you?” Instigators don’t fight the fact that if “It’s not all about you!” then what’s it all about, anyway? Energy-wise, when you’re doing well the people around you do better. Your cohorts in communication will feel an energy upsurge just from being around you…the Talk to Me© system has taught you how to shift your emotional attitudes — to give you more talk latitude — which opens a new world of talk to you.

INVEST IN GOOD COMMUNICATION

Are you invested in good communication? Do you invest a little time and money daily to improve your communication skills? Why should YOU worry about how you talk to yourself or how you come across to others? Great questions….

DRIVING BLINDFOLDED ON THE COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY

Attempting to talk with someone without knowing the type of communicator you’re talking with is akin to driving a fast car down the highway blindfolded. Not recommended! For example, how do you handle feeling bad? Well, if you’re an Empathizer-type communicator (E-type) you strongly believe, “I’m supposed to first help others!” Oppositely, if you’re an Instigator-type communicator (I-type) you have no doubt that, “You’re supposed to help yourself!” Thus, how to feel better when you feel bad are viewed very differently by E- and I-types, which often causes confusion or conflict in relationships, both personal and work.

SHIFTING EMOTIONAL GEARS TO STEER CLEAR OF DEAD END TALK ALLEYS

How can you take charge of your mood, your change avenues, by steering around talk accidents just waiting to happen? Well, that’s what the Talk to Me© communication system is all about.

When you know and use your individual communicator style, you realize several advantages. For example, you…

1. Can maintain an upbeat mood during difficult times.

2. Will experience fewer distasteful, disagreeable and distracting verbal conflicts at work and home.

3. Will enjoy your life to a fuller extent.

4. Feel happier and more connected in all your relationships, including your private relationship with yourself.

5. Possess a feeling of unshakeable confidence.

6. Employ clear communication in each information transmittal.

7. Deliver more effective e-mails, speeches, family talks, memorable words.

8. Enjoy a leadership advantage.

9. Find yourself equipped to take charge of change.

10. Will be in the driver’s seat of your own life, when you use the unique advantages of your communication style.

11. Will find that resentment and anger have been removed from your life. You will travel light, no longer dragging unnecessary baggage around to bring down your mood or slow you down from getting where you need to go.

12. Find that contentment is at hand. Whether you’re an E- or I-type, you will feel far more at ease in your own skin — serene, relaxed, peaceful, unpressured. Your deep peace of mind leaves little room for unproductive worry.

Using the Talk to Me© communication system will simply work wonders in your life.

FIRST INVEST IN GOOD COMMUNICATION WITH YOURSELF

Emotions can steal your life show…particularly negative emotions.

You and I drive in four talk lanes. The Emotions lane is favored by E-types, but the Emotions mode of communication can keep the best among us tied up in knots of worry and frustration, whether you’re an Empathizer-type or an Instigator-type communicator.

Your communication is made more powerful and flexible when you learn how to drive down the four lanes of communication. When any of the driving lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors, or Talks are jammed up, you will know how to casually switch lanes to travel more smoothly and effectively down the two-way talk highway. You’ll say “goodbye” to unhelpful anxiety, worry, and anger.

EMOTIONS DRIVE YOU?

Yes, emotions drive you. When you work closely with your emotions, new behaviors are created…and actions speak louder than shouted words coming out of the bullhorn of extreme emotions.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is a corporate trainer, relationship coach and keynote banquet speaker from Dayton, Ohio. Talk to Me© teaches everyone the incredible benefits of effective life management communication skills.

Are you too emotionally driven occasionally? Empathizers are run around the block by their emotions. Instigators run away from their emotions for fear of being dominated or controlled by them. Either way, you can learn to use your emotions to your advantage, building compassion and wisdom.

Men and women alike use a “feel good” or “bad feeling” gauge in their blue or burnt orange communicator cars. If I feel good, I don’t need to change. If I feel bad, I may need to change. Actually, you want to become an expert communicator to get off the roller coaster of extremely good or bad times.

You can change and learn to shift emotional gears when you need to, by using the Talk to Me© system. It’s all laid out in easy steps, much like learning driving tips from a textbook. Empathizers blame themselves when others don’t change, while Instigators blame others for a situation that doesn’t change. Can you name the four talk lanes you can drive in? What are your options when the lane or road you’re traveling in is closed? If you don’t know, you are not licensed to drive on the two-way communication highway…and you’re wasting your energy in blame games that lead to a town called Nowhere.

FEELING HURT FOR TOO LONG?

Closed-minded communication isn’t any fun. Being talked over, dismissively talked down to, or flat out ignored isn’t ever rewarding for anybody. In fact, your tension, lack of trust, inability to hear constructive feedback, defeatist attitudes, disruption in achieving important goals, low energy, and bad decisions ALL stem from poor communication habits. Simply put, poor communication makes you feel and act poorly.

ARE YOU A POOR OR RICH COMMUNICATOR?

I don’t believe that you can drive on the two-way communicator highway effectively if you haven’t been trained to know with whom you are talking, by communicator type. Yes, personality does play a role in communication, as does gender and family training. However, you can improve your communication markedly by knowing the 12 key differences (pages 206-211) of Empathizer-type (E-type) vs. Instigator-type (I-type) communicators. It’s simple, easy, and powerful to use. The Talk to Me system even works well during intense changing times of grief, too.

WHAT ARE THE DISADVANTAGES TO ME OF NOT KNOWING YOUR (AND MY) COMMUNICATOR TYPES?

Empathizer communicators feel and talk differently than their Instigator counterparts. “You can’t compare apples to oranges!” gets at the distinctions and preferences of each type. Disadvantages to you of not knowing if you’re an apple or an orange or working with your communicator style and improving as a communicator a little every day:

1. You will feel hurt for too long (E-type)…or hurt the feelings of others without intending to (I-type).

2. You will feel down and dismissed (E-type)…or make others feel dismissed and unimportant (I-type).

3. You will be angry at yourself (E-type) … or be resented and disliked by others (I-type).

4. You will shy away from being a strong leader (E-type) … or not garner creative teamwork (I-type).

5. You will react to problems instead of resolving problems (E- and I-type communicators).

6. You will make less money (E-type) … or feel more stressed by the money you do make (I-type).

7. You will feel stuck and blame yourself for feeling bad (E-type) … or feel stuck and blame others for your feeling mad (I-type).

Knowing your communicator type will help you pass the love of good communication on and on!

WHO IS DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist, relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. His areas of focus are change management, constructive team relationships, and effective communication. Dennis is the developer of the powerful new Talk to Me© effective listening and leadership communication training system. Copies of his book are available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by calling and personally consulting with Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.

12 KEY DIFFERENCES in Frame of Reference for Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) Communicators

1. Interpersonal sensitivity vs. interpersonal insensitivity

2. Listening vs. half-listening

3. Behind the scene vs. star of the show

4. Interpersonal cooperation vs. interpersonal competition

5. Talking about a problem vs. fixing a problem

6. Relationship locus of control vs. internal locus of control

7. Low self-esteem vs. high self-esteem

8. Change resistive vs. change promotive

9. Hopelessness vs. powerlessness

10. Achilles’ heel loneliness vs. Achilles’ heel of boredom

11. Past focus vs. future focus

12. The emotional brain vs. the logical brain

From Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, pages 206-211.