Posts in category: TYPE TALK

Can you take a little criticism without getting all ticked off? Do you mind if I give you a little criticism right now to help you out? If you don’t like some aspects of your communicator type, why not change? (No, I’m NOT saying change your personality, because you probably like being you.) But why not correct your weaknesses and promote your strengths? Too easy to be true, you say? A bold-faced sales lie? Don’t bet your life on it….

AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM FACT SHEET

Do you often wish you would have said something different when someone cornered you with a criticism? Then chances are, you are a “too sensitive” sort, or an Empathizer communicator. Here are a few things to know about how great thou art, Empathizer communicators:

1. Empathizer communicators, or E-types, often fantasize about or wish they hadn’t said or done something to shut down the irrational comments of an arrogant criticizer.

2. E-types are also prone to ruminating over pointed criticisms that don’t belong to them.

3. E-types are too sensitive to others’ growth needs and have a hard time saying “no” to reasonable, or unreasonable, requests or actions.

4. E-types can’t easily stop false criticisms from draining the energy gas tanks dry in their communicator cars.

5. An E-type has difficulty believing, “You are in the driver’s seat of your own life,” or “You are the leader of your own life!”

6. E-types are too sensitive to others’ needs as well as being too sensitive to what others think of them.

7. “Don’t get too big for your britches!” is a prohibition against selfishness that most E-types obey.

8. E-types are often too insensitive to their private self-needs.

9. Many of the most powerful positive thoughts of E-types remain locked away in the cave or silent zone of their own skulls, thus benefiting no one.

10. E-types dread and are constantly anxious about being criticized, shunned, disliked or disapproved of, abandoned, shamed, or blamed by a peer group…or just about anyone, for that matter.

11. Everyone likes to fit in, yet Empathizer-type communicators feel like they are often the odd-duck-out and turn pleasing others into an addiction of sorts.

12. E-types grind gears in their blue communicator cars, all going along to get along, even when doing so drives them crazy or drains their energy.

13. Emotional words are taken too seriously by E-types, who need to learn that people throw around words, like tennis players volley.

14. E-types need to accept that they alone can understand Viewpoint A plus comprehend Viewpoint B to come up with compromise Solution Viewpoint C.

It’s the era of the E-type leader who has adopted I-type strengths, so it’s time to come out and play for keeps, all you zany-brainy E’s.

STUCK ON THE SPEED BUMPS OF LIFE

You don’t have to stall out when you hit a few speed bumps, called criticisms or psycho-critiques. If you’re doing great things, criticisms just come with the turf. After all, it’s almost always nothing personal. Practice disallowing criticism from shutting you up OR shutting you down!

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST, CORPORATE TRAINER AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a Dayton region communications psychologist and author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone. Dennis is a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer who specializes in positive and effective leadership communication strategies. He is the original developer of the Talk to Me leadership communication system.

Do you mind if I give you a little constructive criticism? “Yes, but I’ve got the feeling that’s not going to stop you!” What, you say? Criticism makes the strongest person among us cringe. In fact, is there any such thing as “constructive criticism” that doesn’t point a finger of blame in the face of an innocent man or woman? Criticism, plainly put, can often make the receiver of the negative feedback stew, brood, and feel bad. This leads to hidden resentments, and resentments restrict performance and open communication. Worse yet, sensitive Empathizer communicators process criticisms, either helpful or unhelpful, differently than their less sensitive Instigator counterparts.

HEY, NOW, I’M ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU HERE

Do you know what communicator type you are and how you prefer to process feedback requesting personal change? Here’s why spousal or managerial criticisms can inadvertently be slow poison for couple or team communication:

Criticisms:

1. Create impressions in the mind that stick-and-stay, much like footprints in fresh cement or handprints in wet clay.

2. Are mulled over by the person who is criticized, especially if that person is an Empathizer-type communicator.

3. Can drive up personal anxiety, if you’re an Instigator-type communicator, which make you talk in defensively angry ways, especially when you’re in a grief or loss mode.

4. Are like poison blow darts that stick fast in your Empathizer skin, exuding poisonous thoughts that bring you down.

5. Are harpoons that stick in the underbelly of the soft flesh of your self-esteem, making you want to give up.

6. Sometimes sound like gospels or convincing sermons coming from on high, especially when thicker-skinned Instigators give the feedback. Empathizers then believe these words must be true, and they don’t push back assertively enough.

7. Shape the malleable clay of what you think is possible or impossible to talk about for both communicator types…and why those ideas are even important.

Feedback is needed for change, but if the feedback isn’t packaged to fit the preferred communicator type you’re speaking with, then chances are it will do more damage than good. Can we just talk for a change?

GO BEYOND YOUR BEST INSTEAD OF SUFFERING A COMMUNICATION SHUT DOWN

Instigators are pros at being who they are, in spite of all of the pressures to be smiling carbon copies of those who pretend to go along to get along. Moreover, Empathizers have some of the best ideas around today about what will work better in family and organizational life, but they are too shy to speak up forcefully, fearing criticism. Then communication shuts down and progress loses ground, and we keep going around and around in the same turnstile, getting dizzy.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HANDLE CRITICISM BETTER?

You’re a good communicator because you’re asking the right question here. Some quick tips:

1. Remember, “constructive criticism” equally scares thin- and thick-skinned folks who’re paying attention to what’s at stake.

2. Don’t criticize in others what you don’t do yourself.

3. Lead by example…everyone’s watching how you handle the stuff of stress.

4. Although Empathizers and Instigators are VERY different in their communication needs, neither is better or worse than the other.

5. In particular, Empathizers need to shrug off unfair criticisms, while Instigators need to stop thinking that all criticism schisms aren’t fair.

6. Use the Talk to Me system, which teaches you how to give and receive constructive criticism and shrug off unhelpful criticism.

7. Do a few “little things” using the TTM system, and find out for yourself the good results that accrue.

MAMA ALWAYS TOLD ME

My mom always told me, “There’s enough criticism going around. Why not try something different and point out the positive for a change of pace? Who knows, Denny, we all just might get used to it.” Respectfully, Mom, I don’t see things changing much if people don’t know who they’re talking with by type. For example, Instigator leaders feel that complimenting Empathizers is a weakness, when just the reverse is true. In the meantime, we will all cringe a little the very next time we have to do a 360 degree feedback round.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST, CORPORATE TRAINER AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a Dayton region communications psychologist and author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking. Dennis is a communications psychologist and corporate trainer who specializes in positive and effective leadership communication strategies. He is the developer of the Talk to Me leadership communication system. Although everyone likes to fit in, Empathizer-type communicators feel like they are often the odd duck out. Instigator communicators fear criticism too, but keep a stone face about it. Why should we grind gears in our communicator cars, bringing the energy of your team or family to a halt? The best thing you can be, in a world that’s so good at finding ways to make you go crazy, is yourself.

Do you work best or do you cave under pressure, particularly pressure that you put on yourself? Empathizer (E-type) communicators can trip up on little things which they allow to drain their energy. One procrastinating communications client of mine put it this way: “I’m exhausted. I have deadlines approaching. I can’t get all the work done at the office, and at home the grass is growing, and I don’t have time to mow it now. My partner tells me that I’m a big grouch, that I complain too much, and that I’m no fun to be around. The bills are piling up, and everyone at work and their cousins are expecting me to deliver NOW.” Ring any bells?

ENERGY-DRAINING COMMUNICATION PATTERNS

Have you used a global positioning device, or GPD, yet? Way too cool! You can choose either a female or male voice, which tells you to turn here or there, and how many miles you have to go until you reach your destination. Your communicator brain works the same way. You have a BPD, or belief positioning device, that puts you in a given frame of mind, for better and worse. For example, in the past you were taught negative beliefs that you tell yourself to drain (or fuel) your energy. It’s like having a hole in your energy gas tank (or a perpetual gas line running into the tank). You’ve heard others — or yourself — express beliefs like, “I can’t really do anything to change my situation,” or, “I’m not a very good time manager or a good communicator.”

DO YOU PERFORM BEST UNDER PRESSURE?

Personally, I don’t buy all the, “Look how hard I’ve been working,” psychodrama hype, that says we perform best when we are behaving like stressed out monkeys wired on Starbucks. Now, you tell me if these beliefs fire you up or put a wet blanket over your aspirations. This is how self-pressure sounds:

• When do I find the time?
• I can’t get it all done!
• I work best under pressure!
• I don’t have any time left over for me.
• It’s been tough. Total insanity. I should slow down.
• I am constantly drained.
• I can’t disconnect from work when I get home.
• How do you not take things personally?
• It feels like I’m running faster than a hamster in a wheel.
• I come last on the priority list.
• I’m not sure what the answer is.
• I can’t say “no” or I will let everyone down.
• How do you stop others from dumping their negative crap on you?
• Everybody brings their bag of problems to me to solve.
• I would like to take a little time to relax BUT…

Why wouldn’t you be thoroughly enjoying the trip of life with these types of thoughts tearing your peace of mind into pieces?

MEMOS TO YOUR MIND

Empathizer communicators, both men and women, use these types of internal commands, or “memos to my operating mind,” that are energy-draining instead of energy-producing. But you already knew that!

SO WHAT CAN I DO INSTEAD TO RELAX AND FEEL BETTER?

If I tell you what to do, my dear Empathizer communicators, will you do it? I understand that you have all the answers, and that you’re tired of being critiqued and criticized for being in a bad mood. So, you’ll take my advice with no strings attached and check it out?

For example, if I suggest that you take a few rest stops along the grueling work highway, will you be able to spare ten minutes of goof-off time for yourself? No, you won’t be able to do that because you don’t think of your energy as vitally important to your mood and confidence. Plus, you won’t think you’ll be able to get to your final destination fast enough to please everyone who’s depending on you. Look out for burnout ahead!

STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE, DR. O’GRADY

I think I’m being pretty realistic, neither too pessimistic nor too optimistic. You E-types work and work and work, and then promise yourself a little time to enjoy life, rather than enjoy the ride all along the two-way communicator highway. This can cause dramatic speed ups, then slow downs, on the Communicator Highway. Thus, “I’ve got to work hard, and I can’t help change my situation, because I’m feeling too exhausted to even try to do something new.”

WHY DON’T YOU STOP PLOPPING A STRESS BAG IN YOUR LAP

Stop plopping an over-filled stress bag in your lap and filling up your head with negative beliefs that siphon off the energy from your communicator car gas tank. Then again, if you’re happy with how you’re motivating yourself, then keep on keeping on. Just realize that Instigator communicators are going to look at you cross-eyed.

WHO IS DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of a powerful communication system — that isn’t gender-driven — which has been proven to increase positive communication, energy, mood, business performance, personal life circumstances, and to help those who use the system to enjoy the ride of their lives. Don’t believe it? That’s because you’re investing in energy-draining communication strategies that keep you stuck, spinning the tires of your communicator car until smoke is surrounding you. Would you like to take a little pressure off yourself today, improving your performance and your mood? Then learn the Talk to Me communication system that is results-driven and personally proven. Don’t know about your communicator type? Yikes…you are not licensed to drive on the talk highway! Empathizers are too sensitive to others and less sensitive to the inner self. Instigators are too insensitive to others and more sensitive to the inner self. Take the NICI (New Insights Communication Inventory) at www.drogrady.com to determine what strategies you need to invest in. Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, called: “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.

Would you like to own a million dollar solution to many of your relationship communication problems? Who wouldn’t. But if you don’t have that small key to put in your communicator car ignition switch, you aren’t going to get anywhere fast. In fact, chances are you’ll end up spinning your wheels in a communication rut and continue to feel more and more stuck.

THE TEMPTATION OF EMPATHETIC PEOPLE

If you are an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator, you defensively don’t ever want to hurt another person’s feelings. You know first-hand how easy it is to get your feelings hurt…so you don’t speak up forcefully, and when you do, you think you are being too intense or going to extremes. To get through to the thicker-skinned Instigator-type (I-type) communicators in your world, your temptation is to listen to others’ opinions before you state your own opinion or conclusion…which is ineffective at best, and very confusing to your Instigator co-communicator at worst.

IF THERE’S A DISCONNECT

Here’s how many of my interpersonally sensitive Empathizer communication clients put it:

I am perceived as being wishy-washy or needing direction so often it makes me frown. I-types perceive me as asking for help when I don’t need it. I have trouble saying, “This is what I need now!” or “This is what I need you to do for me.” There’s a disconnect. I’m not good at stating my opinion right up front, but if I were able, life would be a lot easier.

Can you relate? Who would ever think that being sensitive could irritate communication matters?

A MILLION DOLLAR COMMUNICATION SOLUTION

So, that’s why I say in Talk to Me that Empathizers ought to adopt the strengths of Instigators, and the reverse. Here are some black-and-white ways my newly assertive E-typers are more upfront about their outstanding opinions which will benefit everyone:

1. I’m not good at stating my opinion right up front, but what I feel strongly we should do is…

2. This is my decision.

3. This is the way it is.

4. This isn’t about you.

5. Don’t be confused. I’m not asking for your help.

6. I don’t need suggestions or solutions to the problem.

7. I’ve worked out the answers that will get us down the road on this one.

8. There’s not room for debate.

9. I don’t appreciate your raising your voice with me or talking over me. It shuts me down.

10. I’ll ask for your help if and when I need it.

11. What would it be worth to you if my way is the right way to go?

12. My Achilles heel is that I want to hear others’ opinions, and include everyone’s input, before I give my opinion.

13. This is what I need now. This is what I need to be done.

My favorite thought today is, “I don’t need suggestions, or solutions to this problem — I need you to do what I’m asking you to do. Are you going to do it in a timely way?” Do you hear what I’m saying? Do you know what I’m talking about? Do you catch my drift? Enough already of the humble-to-a-fault act.

I START BACKING DOWN…I START JUSTIFYING MY DECISIONS

Don’t start backing down or justifying your decision. Your decision is final and not open for negotiation. I-types will pounce on your apparent indecision every time. And they will make it about you, instead of the issue.

ARE YOU WRONG TO BE SO DIRECT?

Instigator communicators respect others who take a stand and won’t back down. I-types do love to debate, and are expert debaters, so unnecessary debating with an I-typer will make your communication foggy. Foggy communication you don’t need! You need to be a clear and direct communicator who sends the implied message, “I mean business!” After all, if you can fix a problem why act like you aren’t sure of what you’re doing?

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM YOURSELF

With a little practice, you will come up with your own non-defensive communication strategies that send the message, “I know what I’m doing, it’s the era of the E-type leader, and you would be wise to follow me.”

WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is a corporate trainer and relationship communications coach who is the developer of the proven Talk to Me communication system. If you sincerely want to take charge of and solve many of your communication problems, you need look no further. You can learn to adopt the strengths of your opposing communicator type to get better results, using the positive and effective approaches in Talk to Me. For example, Empathizers need to be more direct and forceful, while Instigators need to be more sensitive and receptive. The difference in your communication results will take you from the horse and buggy era, to the automobile era, and beyond. But — you’ve got to invest in yourself to learn the skills to become a better million dollar communicator.

Introverts who are Empathizer communicators have a clear advantage. When talking to extroverted people, introverts intuit, see, hear, picture, and present solutions to prevent problems. My proof: I recently spoke on the topic of “Effective Leadership Communication” to 55 CPAs from across the state at the Ohio Accounting Show in the Dayton Convention Center. Forty of these corporate and public accountants were introverts who are Empathizer communicators. Why does it matter?

INTROVERTS’ TALK TIPS: HOW TO THINK AND ACT LIKE AN EXTROVERT USING THE TALK TO ME SYSTEM

Introverts are often misperceived as cold, shy, aloof, stuck up, distant, or too into themselves, when nothing could be further from the truth. The intuitive and inventive Empathizer introvert participants in my session, brainstormed to come up with suggestions to help others communicate more confidently, easily, and openly, by becoming more outgoing:

1. WANDER AROUND. You have to leave your cubicle or office and go out and talk to people all around you to become aware of what the mood of the office happens to be or what special projects are underway.

2. SMILE BIG. You should smile big when you’re talking with people, sending the message, “I’m genuinely glad we have a chance to talk.”

3. EXTEND YOURSELF TO NEWCOMERS. Make it a point to ask a stranger, or the person seated next to you, “How’s it going for you today?”

4. TALK CONFIDENTLY TO BE PERCEIVED COMPETENTLY. Practice so you can sound as confident as you are capable, in your abilities to speak openly and confidently about all kinds of fun and serious stuff, and your co-communicators will follow suit.

5. ASK DIRECTIVE QUESTIONS. Learn to ask directive questions like: “What brings you here?” “What do you like about your work?” “What interesting project are you working on?” “How did you get started in your line of work?” Such conversations can sometimes lead to unanticipated results!

6. MAKE A PHONE CALL INSTEAD OF WRITING AN E-MAIL. Make your communication efforts pay big dividends by contacting someone personally instead of shooting off an email. If no one is available to take your call, leave a voice mail…an upbeat message that boosts the mood of the person on the other end of the line!

7. REACH OUT AND WRITE A PERSONALIZED CARD. Take the time to scribble a brief note of thanks or of positive regards, the kind of note that makes your day less gray. Who knows — the recipient of the message just may reciprocate in some unexpected positive way!

8. BE A DUMMY. Never be a know-it-all. Keep your mind open to learning something new at every turn on the two-way communicator highway, just as T.V. icon Fred Sanford had a way of doing.

9. READ A LITTLE. Invest just four minutes daily in bettering your skill level and your mood by learning new communication tools at www.drogrady.com.

THE INTROVERT ADVANTAGE

If you are an introvert, you are at a distinct advantage. You know the answers to almost every problem riddle, business and personal…and if you don’t, you’re very likely to make the effort to find out! Whenever an Empathizer introvert (or extrovert) gives me advice, I typically implement the advice because I know my accounting ledger will post huge profits.

My workshop audiences are a fun place to be if you love to solve a problem puzzle and adopt the strengths of your opposing communicator type. Today’s CPA group had a blast, which certainly gave me a needed boost!

THE OHIO ACCOUNTING SHOW, EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP COMMUNICATION, DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D., NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION

Communication exchanges are the heart of all relationships, business and personal. How they are managed directly impacts an individual’s success as well as a company’s performance. O’Grady will help you assess your communication type–Empathizer or Instigator–as well as help you determine how to work with those of the same or opposite communication type.

From the Ohio Society of CPAs Program Guide for the May 23-24, 2007 Ohio Accounting Show. Special thanks to Jane Lee, Manager, Education & Training, The Ohio Society of CPAS at jlee@ohio-cpa.com or www.ohioscpa.com. CPAs…Making sense of a changing and complex world. Also special thanks to Dr. Hans Sprohge, CPA, Professor of Business, Wright State University.