Posts in category: TYPE TALK

Excellence in motherhood has again hit the newsstands! Have you heard of “Alpha Moms,” the new breed of multitasking trendsetters who are kid-centric, and who feel most relaxed while juggling lots of balls? Did you know that leading companies, such as Procter and Gamble, and big marketers alike are wagging their tails and drooling over them? Stay down now! “Alpha Moms” is the newest moniker created by Constance Van Flandern.

ALPHA MOMS–INSTIGATORS OF CHANGE?

Alpha Moms are instigators of change. But did you know that most Alpha Moms are also Instigator-type (I-type) communicators? Consider these comparisons:

1. MULTITASKING EXPERTS. An Alpha Mom is happiest multitasking. Instigator communicators like to save precious time to accomplish more, like talking on the phone while working on the computer.

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types are less comfortable asking for help when they run into a problem that can’t easily be solved.

2. PROGRESS-CENTRIC. An Alpha Mom is kid-centric and hands-on, whether or not she works outside the home. Instigator communicators are progress-centered, love to solve problems, and embrace change as a way of life.

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types can become very impatient and frustrated, when their plans don’t materialize fast enough.

3. TECH-SAVVY HAPPY. An Alpha Mom enjoys finding out how new techno-gadgets work, because she is power-centered and loves to command the center of attention. Instigator communicators are perceived as strong personality types by family and associates.

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types don’t do well with boredom and can be neglectful of their romantic partners’ needs.

4. ENJOYS DEBATING AND WINNING. An Alpha Mom talks confidently and easily wins debates, taking pride in being the first to achieve a goal. Instigator communicators are world class debaters and exceptionally strong-willed souls. They live by the rule: “If you aren’t going to lead, then get out of my way!”

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types are criticized for being too stubborn and covering up their insecurities, and going after points at the expense of a relationship to prove their self-worth.

5. INFLUENCERS. An Alpha Mom is an initiator and creator of social opinion, of what’s popular or ditzy. Instigator communicators believe in making listeners quickly come around to their viewpoint.

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types are criticized for listening with only a half-ear, and not including the opinions of the “quiet, meek and shy” around the Communicator Table.

6. CONFIDENT DECIDERS. An Alpha Mom makes up her mind, and thrives on sharing her view of what way is the right way to go. Instigator communicators believe there is a right way and a wrong way to drive down the two-way communication highway.

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types can be negatively perceived as one-way communicators who are control freaks, too pushy, self-centered, intriguing, complex women who loudly talk over others.

DO YOU PREFER TO BE AN INSTIGATOR OF CHANGE?

Bruce Horovitz’s USA Today article “Alpha Moms leap to top of trendsetters: Multitasking, tech-savvy women are expected to be next to watch.” (03/27/07) provides a concise thumbnail sketch of Alpha Moms. A fun quote by “Alpha Mom” moniker creater Van Flandern: “I’m at my Alpha-Mommy-est when I have the most balls in the air: It’s multitasking to the nth degree. It’s like training for the Olympics. Most of all, it’s fun.”

Likewise, you can read my list of the top 40 top traits of the Instigator communicator on page 97 of my book “Talk to Me.”

ARE YOU AN I-TYPE COMMUNICATOR WHO IS POWER-CENTERED, LIKES TO INFLUENCE; PREFERS TO BE AN INSTIGATOR OF CHANGE?

How to know if you are an Alpha Mom Instigator-type communicator? Well, generally speaking, you boldly push forward a parenting agenda, without ever taking negative feedback too personally. Still not sure? You can test your communicator type, and receive a free confidential report with no marketing strings attached, by going to “What’s Your Type?” at www.drogrady.com.

CHANGE AGENTS ARE SOCIAL LEADERS WHO IGNITE MARKETS

My communication leadership research has determined that most natural born leaders of both genders are Instigator-type communicators who love to lead and dominate in their chosen fields. Last but not least: My communication studies also find that an Alpha Mom Instigator communicator is more likely to be married to a “Beta Dad” who is an Empathizer-type communicator. Opposites do seem to attract, for better and worse.

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER, RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. O’Grady’s leadership communication studies cited in his third book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” indicate that an “Alpha Mom” is more likely to be married to a “Beta Dad” who is an Empathizer-type communicator. E-types are more comfortable with being behind-the-scenes workhorses, and prefer to follow strong leaders who are ethical and have a strong sense of integrity irregardless of gender. Empathizers have a strong distaste for hypocrisy, and their energy is drained by NegaTalkers. O’Grady works with companies, organizations and families who wish to be better communicators using his cutting edge communication system that makes change happen fast and last.

Have you ever changed lanes while driving, only to discover from the honk of someone else’s horn that another car was in your “blind spot”? The Communication Highway can be like that, too. Everyone has an Achilles heel or three when it comes to impaired communication. In fact, the “blind spots” you have while driving down the Communicator Highway can cause accidents when you change lanes too quickly or don’t use your turn signal. Missed communication and mixed communication fall into this category. And you develop relationship “blind spots” when you don’t know where you’re talking from or what talk lanes you’re driving in.

FEELING AS LOW AS A GREASE SPOT ON THE GARAGE FLOOR?

What are some of the blind spots shared by the two groups of communicators, Empathizers (E-types) and Instigators (I-types)? And are their blind spots identical? A recent New Insights Communication poll gives us some starting and startling ideas about these Achilles’ heels:

SELF-CRITICISM … 43.31%

BEING AFRAID OF GETTING NEGATIVE FEEDBACK … 26.92%

PEOPLE NOT LIKING ME … 23.08%

CRITIQUING OTHERS TOO HARSHLY … 7.69%

In the survey, there was no way of telling if the respondents were E-typers or I-typers. Let me analyze the results based on your communicator type.

THE TWO TYPES OF DRIVER RESPONSES TO “BLIND SPOTS”

You can determine your communicator type by asking yourself a single question: “Do I lean toward being more “sensitive” or more “insensitive” in all my relationships? E-types are drivers who wear their feelings on their sleeves, while I-type drivers just want to get past the latest roadblock and do something about it. Neither is better or worse, just different.

1. E-types are prone to using self-criticism excessively. When E-types blame themselves for problems, they can slow down needed life changes or have difficulty thinking of new solutions to old problems.

2. I-types are prone to criticizing others excessively. When I-types blame others for problems, they too can slow down making needed life changes or have trouble sensing new solutions to old problems.

3. E-types are afraid of receiving negative feedback. To an E-type, this means they have failed in their relationship responsibilities. E-types are very concerned about “hurting someone” intentionally or unintentionally.

4. I-types are afraid of receiving no feedback whatsoever. To an I-type, this means they have failed somehow in making progress and change happen. I-types are concerned about “missing the point” on purpose or accidentally.

5. E-types want everyone to like them, and they feel nervous when people don’t like them.

6. I-types want everyone to respect them, and they feel nervous when people ignore them or discount their feedback.

7. E-types worry about being liked. When super-stressed, Empathizers switch talk lanes from feeling bad to unexpectedly acting like a dipstick that causes a relationship collision.

8. I-types worry about being respected. When super-stressed, Instigators switch talk lanes from thinking negatively to unexpectedly talking like a dipstick that causes a relationship collision.

9. Both types gain interpersonal power, flexibility and freedom when they understand and drive more mindfully of the blind spots that each communicator must courageously face alone.

No one wants to be a poor communicator any more than anyone wants to be a poor driver who makes the same driving errors over and over again (and you KNOW that leads to expensive repairs!).

SCAN THE ROAD AHEAD AND USE ALL YOUR MIRRORS TO AVOID TALK ACCIDENTS

Safe driving means you know the “blind spots.” When you know you’re in one, you can take care making turns, and you can make sure you flip on your turn signal to warn a driver behind you that you are changing lanes. Changing lanes abruptly while driving in a blind spot is the leading cause of relationship malfunction and relationship failure to thrive.

ABOUT MANAGEMENT WORKSHOP LEADER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

The author and developer of the “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” communication system and book, Dr. O’Grady teaches team members and family members how to productively use the TTM system to drive more safely and sanely on the two-way communicator highway. When communicators change lanes abruptly without signaling, and slide off the road or crash into another driver, talks heat up quickly and rational discussions halt as authorities and tow trucks are called. When you understand how your communicator type thinks and feels AND acts and talks you are in a far better position to drive positively and effectively on the two-way communicator highway. Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D. is from Dayton, Ohio, USA.

LINKS FOR PREVIOUS NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLLS

Anything Is Possible? People Who Don’t Get Along … What Makes A Person So Difficult To Get Along With … Personality Clashes or Communication Crashes? … What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With? … Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway? … The Elephant Stampede … What Makes A Good Leader Great? … Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader? … What’s Up With Your Confidence Level? … When You Argue, Are You Always Right? … Are You Shy or Stuck Up? … How Do You Handle Anger? … Are Men or Women Better Communicators? … How Easily Are You Frustrated?

You can talk to a non-talking partner by asking “directive questions” that cause something new to come out that benefit everyone. You won’t speak up though, if your confidence is riddled with “I’d better leave them alone.” How can you keep your cool when your temperature is rising, because you feel ignored and disrespected? By talking positively to yourself in accurate and encouraging ways that reliably talk you down from an anger-anxiety high.

WHY EMPATHIZERS (E-TYPES) ARE WISE TO BECOME LESS SENSITIVE

Verbal expressions of anger or giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment “scare off” Empathizer (E-type) communicators, who feel they must have done something wrong. Also, E-types feel afraid that the anger can escalate, become an anger attack, and someone is going to get emotionally or physically hurt. So E-types can shut down or ramble on and on anxiously and incoherently. Naturally, I-types don’t respect emotional weak spots of any kind.

WHAT TO SAY TO YOURSELF TO KEEP YOUR COOL WHEN THE HEAT IS ON

E-types can be “less sensitive” to achieve better talk results. Skull talk: You first must talk positively to yourself to keep your cool when the silent treatment or heat is on like this:

• I am not the problem here…so listen up
  
• This isn’t my fault…so relax
• The point of talking is to explore issues…so ask open-ended questions
  
• I won’t sling mud back…so take it easy
• I won’t pick up any anger that isn’t mine…so smile
  
• I’m not a goat on a rope…so don’t interrupt
• I am in the driver’s seat here…so don’t talk over anyone
  
• Nothing bad’s going to happen here…so breathe deep
  
• I will stay calm and not be blown away by an anger hurricane…so enjoy
  

So first things first…calm yourself down and don’t take on anger that doesn’t belong to you because you’re not doing anything wrong.

MOODY PEOPLE AND ANGRY, ANGER-DEFAULTING DRIVERS

Instigators default almost always to the “safe” emotional set of irritation, frustration, aggravation and anger. Angry words, aggressive complaining or giving the cold shoulder don’t “intimidate” Instigator (I-type) communicators. Courage in the face of discouragement, is an I-type strength. Rambling anxious E-types who are unfocused or behaving in “willy-nilly” ways, really stuff wax in the ears of Instigators. Naturally, E-types resent those who are shaming or intolerant of feelings.

YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN ATTITUDE

Although you aren’t personally responsible for a partner’s, teen or a child’s refusal to talk to you of anger…you are response-able to say key transactions that I-types like to hear that can diffuse the fuse on the bomb of the irrational fear of “soft or tender” emotions, such as hurt, loneliness, boredom, insecurity, rejection, sexual need and jealousy.

NO ONE WANTS TO COME ACROSS LIKE AN IDIOT

No one wants to come across like an idiot when they’re hurting or when they’re fussy and steamed…as no one wants to be a doormat for the muddy anger of a grumpy person having a tantrum to feel better at the expense of the entire household of loving spirits. You, too, can stay calm and talk “smarter” when your feelings are smarting.

THIS IS HOW IT IS: ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, PSYCHOLOGIST, AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND BUSINESS TRAINER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. O’Grady teaches there are two communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators; who drive in the four talk lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. The reason there is so much miscommunication and frustration going on, isn’t because other people are so dad-blasted difficult who want to drive you insane, but because the two types of communicators haven’t been known until this point in our history and accounted for in our relationships. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog, while his entire advanced communication system is available only in his “Talk to Me” book and seminars. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is now available at Amazon. You can talk personally to Dr. O’Grady at his Web site, too.

Hey my dear Empathizers: Are you taking in the anger like sticking a pin into a pin cushion? Well, that won’t work. An Instigator partner, boss, boss’ wife or husband, or bossy customer isn’t always right, so YOU need to stay in your right emotional mind. Your job is to stay confident and refuse to follow an angry or sullen co-communicator who is being an ineffective talk leader, and listen up.

THE FIX WHEN THERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

The fix is to listen to your own internal voice that is screaming, “Something terrible is going to happen here so you’ve got to do anything to please and accommodate this person who is dropping guilt bombs on ya’. Staying in emotional neutral, without getting all emotionally riled up, is VERY possible when you understand and use the “Talk to Me” communication system. After all, “I just don’t feel like talking about it!” platitudes perpetuates problems and keep everyone stressed to the max.

ARE YOU USING PLATITUDES OR POSITIVE TALK ATTITUDES?

A platitude is a cliche like “You shouldn’t hurt a person’s feelings!” or “You should’ve thought it through better!” It’s true that Empathizers can get lost in “What IF…” thinking. For example, “What IF I did something wrong?” or “What IF I did something that caused the person to feel bad or upset?” Thus, sometimes Empathizers are too bright for their own good, and can suffer from “analysis paralysis.” Platitudes don’t give you latitude to talk!

JUST FIX IT

If you’re doing something ineffective in your communication, or getting mixed results, then you are free to do something different that may work out a whole lot better. Catch my drift? Here’s how Empathizers can “think and speak positively” when feeling lost and lonely:

• This is how I see it
• I light everyone up, not let everyone down
• I have answers that solve the riddle
• Our relationship contract is up for renewal
• Something has to change here
• The “same old, same old” is old news
• I need to trust my gut
• Where are you coming from with that?
• I must do something different than what I’ve always done
• I vow to learn something new about good communication every day
• There is a better chance to solve problems when we communicate
  
• Needing to always be right is wrong
• When no one else appreciates me…I still do
• I’m there for ME all the time
• I’m not the problem here
• It’s not my stuff
• I’m a fast learner
• Feeling bad doesn’t make me bad

You ARE in the driver’s seat of your own life! Who better to sit behind the steering column?

LETTING THE OLD GO WHILE DOING THE NEW

Positive thinking helps you drive to new places in your life that you would like to go. Positive energy is like gasoline for your communicator car, you need it to make smooth communication moves that make a difference in your life.

THIS IS HOW IT IS: ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, PSYCHOLOGIST, KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND BUSINESS CONSULTANT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. O’Grady teaches there are two communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators; who drive in the four talk lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. The reason there is so much miscommunication and frustration going on, isn’t because other people are so dad-blasted difficult who want to drive you insane, but because the two types of communicators haven’t been known until this point in our history and accounted for in our relationships. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog, while his entire advanced communication system is available only in his “Talk to Me” book and seminars. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is now available at Amazon. You can talk personally to Dr. O’Grady at his Web site, too.

Empathizer communicators or E-types are too calm for their own good…long, long fuses burn before they blow. Instigator communicators or I-types really try to stay calm and cool, but as a whole, they are an impatient group who expect most things to get done efficiently and effectively. E-types can feel down and blue for too long, while I-types can feel irritated and frustrated too often.

A BAD MOOD HAD BY ALL

This is how I see it: Your mood is the amount of gasoline you have in your communicator car. A bad mood makes you drive around town running on empty. “I stew about it!” is true of the Empathizer viewpoint while “I have a really short fuse!” is true of Instigators.

Thus, I-types are often frustrated by glitches beyond their control, as the vulture of impatience picks at their bones and serenity. “Are you mad at me?” is often a relationship check-in to find out “Did I do something that bothers you?” Both E- and I-types dislike stirring the relationship pot or messing with the status quo. “Change” is your middle name.

ARE YOU MAD LIKE ME…ARE ALL COMMUNICATORS CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH?

A new world opens up, as if you’re looking through a telescope (or microscope) for the first time when you learn what makes Empathizer communicators tick and makes Instigator communicators ticked off. No problem, Snoopy.

INSTIGATOR TALK
Know this about your tough-skinned Instigator co-communicator who doesn’t much feel like talking to you “too sensitive” E-types:

• I-types don’t talk to try and control their feelings
• I-types believe feelings spell trouble for good relationships
• I-types thus can come across as cold and unfeeling
• I-types talk negatively in bombastic in rigid ways when they feel afraid
  
• I-types pick at your good character or motives (speak inaccurately) when they feel insecure
• I-types Achilles Heel is feeling out of control of their emotions
  
• I-types energy is commanding and confident when they feel weak or small
  
• I-types blurt out private thoughts that they don’t mean for public consumption
  

EMPATHIZER TALK
Let’s be fair. Know this about your thin-skinned Empathizer co-communicator who always feels like talking to you “too insensitive” I-types:

• E-types prefer to talk about their feelings to control them
• E-types believe avoidance of feelings spell trouble for good relationships
• E-types thus can come across as hot and extra-feeling or “too moody”
  
• E-types criticize themselves in compulsive ways when they feel afraid
  
• E-types back off and don’t speak up (speak inaccurately) when they feel insecure
• E-types Achilles Heel is feeling out of control of their thinking
  
• E-types energy is dimmed and low self-esteem reigns when they feel weak or small
  
• E-types sit on private thoughts that are meant for public consumption

Both Empathizers and Instigators can have an “inferiority complex” about their communicator type. It’s going to get a whole bunch better when you adopt the strengths of your opposing communicator type, by understanding their viewpoint about which communication modes work best in their world of communication.

THIS IS HOW IT IS: A LITTLE BIT ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, COMMUNICATIONS WORKSHOP LEADER AND MARRIAGE COUNSELOR DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

The reason there is so much miscommunication and frustration going on, isn’t because other people are so ornery and dad-blasted difficult who want to drive you nuts, but because the two types of communicators haven’t been known until this point in our cultural history and accounted for in our relationships. Did you have a relationship communication class in high school, on par with the amount of time you spent in driver’s ed classes learning how to drive correctly? Of course not. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author and originator of the new communication system called “Talk To Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady teaches there are two communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators; who drive in the four talk lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. “Talk to Me” is available for purchase at this website and at Amazon.