Posts in category: TYPE TALK

You can either be responsive or be reactive when others you work or love feel mad. Empathizer communicators (E-types) are afraid of their own and others’ anger, while Instigator communicators (I-types) default to anger to avoid more vulnerable feelings. “I just don’t feel like talking about it!” is double-speak for “I don’t feel like getting into my emotions because I might get stuck there and stay down!”

PROMISING THE MOON BUT DELIVERING DIRT

It’s easy to open your mouth and speak like a jerk when you’re steamed. Just ask me. “When you sling mud, you lose ground!” means whenever you “go off” and speak the negative, you lose out! When you sling back mud or manure that has been thrown at you, who is responsible for making your hands dirty? Promises made, should be kept. Ask your partner or colleague if he or she is afraid to speak to you for fear of hurting you or making you mad. It’s the best excuse going nowadays to avoid growing as a positive person or couple through the avenue of painful emotions.

ME-JERK REACTIONS

Blaming-and-shaming a rider in your communication car shuts down good communication. Here’s some examples of talking like a jerk from ME-ville:

1. It’s not my fault.

2. It’s your problem not mine.

3. I don’t do it all the time.

4. Why can’t you get over it?

5. You’re a control freak!

6. I had to do it because it was the right thing to do!

7. Blood is thicker than water.

8. I’ve never said that I’m a saint.

You don’t need anyone to go to great lengths to make you happy, secure and confident. That’s your job.

ME-TALK TRANSACTIONS

You are response-able. Communication is 100% the issue. Here’s what the above transactions would sound like stated in a responsive vs. reactive way:

1. It’s not your fault because no one is at fault here!

2. Your problem is my problem, too. How can I be of help?

3. How can I change to make us both happier?

4. Talking through emotions is the best way to get over it!

5. I’m the leader of my own life which is my full-time job!

6. I can change my mind and do something that works better!

7. Blood may be thicker than water but it doesn’t taste as good!

8. You don’t have to be a perfect sinner, either!

Well, I was a little sarcastic on that last one, forgive me.

I DON’T WANT TO GIVE UP MY TRUE SELF TO BE LOVED BY YOU

You don’t think too much. You aren’t bossy. You know what you like and dislike. You don’t want to be who you are when it makes your partner mad. Are you feeling guilty for nothin’? If you worry that you make people angry by being you…then perhaps you are feeling angry for selling yourself short in a relationship that’s going nowhere. After all, you can’t make someone love you.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, MARRIAGE COUNSELOR AND RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is freely available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog.

If you’re going to pursue “positive and effective approaches to communication” by using my TALK2ME  system, you must first give positive feedback to yourself and those you enjoy. THEN proceed to give accurate negative feedback that turns up the flame of change. To do this: Begin listening to the “skull talk” or “inner talk” that you use toward yourself…what you think about yourself is REALLY your own business…and no one else’s. Often, you are “blind” to how others positively view you.

LET YOUR POSITIVE THOUGHTS FLOW

Here’s why you are wise to let your positive thoughts flow in your self-talk and significant other(s)’ talk:

• When you want to say something positive and make sure it won’t be taken wrong
• When you want to share an appreciation
• When you are telling the truth, not manipulating or “kissing up”
• When you want to safely share positive impressions
• When you are keeping your energy and spirits high by trying on positive talk tools for size
• When you don’t want to be taken wrong by the opposite gender
• When you want to “check out” the impact of your words or “test the waters”

IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY…YOU ARE A NUMBSKULL

“I’m not going to say anything that will stir up a hornet’s nest” … “I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, much less mad” … and “I hate conflict” are the reasons most often given for keeping positive thoughts to themselves. People are afraid to bring up a need, wish or desire that will benefit everyone. “If you don’t have anything nice to say…don’t say anything at all!” has gone WAY overboard. It’s simply not healthy to “stuff your positive feelings and keep them locked inside your heart.”

WHY SHOULD YOU GO EASY ON THE COMPLIMENTS?

When is it appropriate to give compliments that might put someone on the spot and under the spotlight? Remember, many times you aren’t giving a compliment, but sharing a good feeling both of you are experiencing. BIG difference. When someone arouses a good feeling in you…good for you both. How to better a bad mood? By allowing yourself to feel positive feelings that others inspire in you. Wanna’ beat the blues? Than beat your co-communicator to “singing the sunshine.” It sure beats singing the blues!

USING THE ‘TALK TO ME’ APPROACH TO CREATE FAST CHANGES THAT LAST…
LEARNING TO LOVE—LOVING TO BE A FAST LEARNER USING NEW TALK TOOLS

Let go. Let your love flow. Let what you like out. Let your kindnesses grace this unkind planet. Do kiss…but don’t kiss up. Say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean. Then you’ll be on the road to being one of the best communicators you know! And that’s what matters most, when the tires of your self-esteem are low or have been popped.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady likes to think of himself as the AAA tow-truck driver, the guy who arrives on the scene just in time to help everyone on the Communications Highway make the necessary repairs – sometimes small, sometimes huge – that get everyone going again. He’s author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.”

The experience of boredom is more depressing than a black canvas of depression painted over with the blue colors of loneliness, loss, panic or longing for past pleasures. And more intensely, the experience of boredom gets wrapped tightly around your success axle and can gum up your progress toward where you want and need to go.

BORED STIFF

Being “bored and blue” is a very painful way NOT to “travel down the road less traveled,” as author M. Scott Peck goaded us on. Boredom makes the engine knock loudly, both in the blue cars that Empathizer-type communicators drive, and in the burnt orange talk cars that Instigator-type communicators drive.

DESTRUCTIVE BOREDOM

“Destructive boredom” is experienced differently by E-types and I-types in these two subtly different ways:

1. More sensitive Empathizers (E-types) are hurt more by EMOTIONAL BOREDOM…not feeling fully engaged in emotionally stimulating, interesting and satisfying life projects in work, personal growth and romantic relationships.

2. Less sensitive Instigators (I-types) are intimidated more by INTELLECTUAL BOREDOM… not feeling fully engaged in intellectually stimulating, interesting and satisfying life projects in love, personal growth and work.

BOREDOM DRAINS YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR BATTERY

In short, feeling “bored and blue” is emotionally fatiguing for E-types and intellectually fatiguing for I-types. So much depends on your communicator type; including what works as a cure.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE BORED AND BLUE?

Typical symptoms that form an anger-depression cycle when your heart and head are bored stiff are:

• You steadily feel down and blue…BUT justify “BUT IT’S NOT ALL THE TIME!”
• You feel like a trapped cat…pacing…jumpy…unsettled, agitated
  
• You feel irritated easily…have a short fuse…even strangers can get your goat
  
• You snap…feel like a madman/madwoman…grumpy…ill-at-ease
• You see R.E.D…you have Random Explosive Disorders where you pop off out of the blue
  
• You can’t get no satisfaction…and sing the sob song…”Is this all there is?”
• You feel anxious because of “I guess my life is over” negative thinking
• You are set off by any idiot for hours instead of just minutes
• You begin sounding like the criticizing dad/mom you vowed never to sound like
• You feel like “Dear Abby Normal”
• Ignored boredom drains your creative spirits and the physical health battery of your life.
  

BOREDOM AND YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE

Boredom is a form of depression that can deplete your spirits. Consider this metaphor: Six different plastic tubes are inserted into your torso. You see a blue or red color liquid draining out of you body and running down through the tubes…blue liquid if you’re an Empathizer and red liquid if you’re an Instigator communicator. You feel weaker and weaker as your “life energy” runs out of you. That’s boredom…it drains you a little at a time, vampire-style.

SOME TIPS TO DEAL PRODUCTIVELY WITH FEELING BORED AND BLUE

1. Be aware of feeling bored and blue. Example: Ask yourself, “Could I be feeling bored and blue and not in touch with this?”

2. Feel the drudgery of going through the “emotions of the motions.” Example: “I don’t respect myself for giving up at work instead of giving up on giving up!”

3. Play the WHAT IF game. Example: “WHAT IF I tried doing….how would that feel to me?”

4. Make a list of your negative thoughts and then turn them around. Example: “I have a short fuse” becomes “Wait a minute. I typically have a long fuse, so what’s bugging me so much?”

5. Be wary of distracting yourself with psychodrama. Example: Try to avoid moving away, spending money rashly, having an affair,  fighting with a sibling or co-worker, driving too fast, etc.

6. Hire a communications coach to vent. Example: Hire a change expert to talk to, someone who won’t think you’re nuts if you use your boredom to make new career plan…a new relationship plan…a new personal growth plan.

BORED AND BLUE

Sam Keen wrote about how feeling “bored and blue” is one of the trickiest emotions to handle intelligently and productively. And just when I thought I was getting a handle on feeling anxious and the anger-anxiety cycle!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady observed how boredom affected the incarcerated forensic patients he treated as an individual and group psychological psychotherapist on a locked forensic unit in the 80’s for the State of Ohio. Even with the aid of psychotropic medications, varied activity therapies, library privileges, group therapy, visitations, informal discussion groups, etc….the mostly male residents paced like lions in a cage until the pain of boredom was unleashed. O’Grady is a keynote speaker and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” which is available on his site and at Amazon.

Have you ever turned to someone (or has anyone ever turned toward you) and said, “We’ve GOT to talk!”

Those words can strike fear into the heart and mind of your communications partner by making him/her feel that the only reason to talk is to correct something he/she has done wrong.

That’s why it’s wise to first check the depth of the communications swimming hole before diving in, metaphorically speaking. You don’t want to jump in too deep to a shallow place because you could bend your mind or break your neck. And if you get in over your head, you could drown. Testing the waters first make sure that it’s OK to dive right in.

WE’VE GOT AN OPPORTUNITY TO TALK HERE

“We’ve got to talk!” implies that something BIG is wrong and it’s the fault of the receiver of this message. When you want to use effective talking to resolve issues and problem-solve, better messages to send are:

1. We don’t have to talk.

2. I respect your independence and appreciate your willingness to talk productively.

3. I choose to talk in constructive ways that lighten the stress load of my and your day.

4. We’ve got an opportunity to talk openly here that I don’t want to miss out on.

5. I will listen open-mindedly to you.

6. I won’t allow my emotions to make a great commotion!

7. I will disagree respectfully, but not hold back my true opinion from you due to intimidation.

8. If I am an Empathizer-type communicator, I won’t back down when the heat is on.

9. If I am an Instigator-type communicator, I will back off whenever being wrong is the right course of action to achieve a win-win solution.

10. I won’t hit you over the head with my duffel bag of resentments when you’re acting dense.

11. I won’t stand for you painting me red with your unhelpful anger.

12. I strive to be a rich communicator instead of a poor communicator.

13. I am response-able instead of blinded by revenge due to an “eye for an eye” old testament thinking.

14. I won’t blame my mood totally on YOU!

15. I will let go of what isn’t working and try new ways of talking that might work better.

CAN WE TALK? I KNOW YOU STRIVE TO BE A RICH COMMUNICATOR INSTEAD OF A POOR COMMUNICATOR

Your mood is too often dictated by poor communication in your relationship when you are starving for a little positive attention and enjoyment. Why keep your communicator car stuck in “park” gear, loudly revving your engine unproductively.

MOODY NEGATIVE THINKING VS. POSITIVE TALKING

Talking positively encourages a positive mood and opens up new avenues for change! I devote Chapter 5 in my third book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” to the importance of sending positive e-mails, leaving positive voice mails and sharing accolades and good feelings with ALL travelers on your talk road. I realize that talking positively is often perceived as a “weakness” or a “cover up” for an ulterior agenda, such as getting on your good side or selling you something that you don’t want.

TESTING THE TALK WATERS

Sharing feelings, positive or negative, isn’t worth it if it hurts a valuable relationship or a person you value. By using a single communication tool, you too can test the talk waters as to the appropriateness of the talk: “IF I told you (fill in the blank)…would you be mad?” For example, “IF I told you that your smile makes my day … would you be mad?” That question makes the point that you don’t want to violate boundaries, but you don’t want to be intimidated by speaking in upbeat ways, either.

ENJOYING PEOPLE

Now take this wrong: Truly enjoying another person as you go about your day isn’t unusual…BUT telling the person openly and honestly (without strings attached) what you DO enjoy about him or her is still pretty atypical and off-limits. That’s because it might be misperceived as a “come-on.” The reason most often cited for keeping someone at arm’s length or acting stand-offish: “What trick have you got up your sleeve in this human-eat-human world that you are trying to take from me?” In my communicator world, when anyone arouses a good (pleasant) feeling in you, bully for you both!

Is there something wrong with feeling good in relation to another person…or are we just supposed to be human robots who are unfeeling automatons?

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady likes to think of himself as the AAA tow-truck driver, the guy who arrives on the scene just in time to help everyone on the Communications Highway make the necessary repairs – sometimes small, sometimes huge – that get everyone going again. He’s author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” His company, New Insights Communication, is located in the cradle of inventiveness…Dayton, Ohio, USA.

Your communicator type determines your comfort level with positive or negative feedback and comments. How comfortable are you with giving and receiving positive or negative feedback? Do you like or loathe positive vs. negative feedback? You shouldn’t have to stuff your feelings inside for fear that you might offend the opposite sex, or anyone. But that’s exactly what many “warm and caring normal and nice people” do nowadays. They speak their positive thoughts about you and me privately to themselves.

YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE…AND GIVING VS. ACCEPTING COMPLIMENTS

There is a distinction between your communicator type and your comfort level giving and receiving compliments, too. Some fun core communicator differences:

Empathizer (E-types) communicators more often give positive compliments than their Instigator (I-types) communicator counterparts

I-types accept positive words spoken about them more easily and with less embarrassment

E-types more quickly forget positive words spoken to them

I-types speak positive sentiments quietly to themselves when/if they are feeling down

E-types are better self-criticizers

I-types are better ego-busters

E-types are better ego-boosters

E-types take negatives more personally than positives

I-types take negatives more impersonally than positives

Both E- and I-types don’t want to feel lonely and prefer feeling appreciated and loved

THE ART OF GIVING CONSTRUCTIVE POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE FEEDBACK

Overall (in my experience), Empathizer-type communicators are more comfortable giving positives (when positives are deserved), and Instigator-type communicators are more confident feeling they deserve positives from others. Both E-types and I-types struggle with the art of giving constructive negative feedback.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady likes to think of himself as the AAA tow-truck driver, the guy who arrives on the scene just in time to help everyone on the Communications Highway make the necessary repairs – sometimes small, sometimes huge – that get everyone going again. He’s author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” His company, New Insights Communication, is located in the cradle of inventiveness…Dayton, Ohio, USA. O’Grady’s book is now available at www.Amazon.com.