Posts in category: TYPE TALK

I was recently told by a sincere Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, “Dennis, you’re an idiot! Have you lost your mind? That sensitive article you wrote called, “What To Do When Your Plate Is Too Full” was really funny…and yes, I’m being totally sarcastic! Just say “no” to your I-type boss? Oh yeah, fat chance…that’s a surefire way to get promoted fast. I’m a supervisor and do you realize how unrealistic that sounds? You’re making me laugh and I’m splitting a gut. You’re out of your skull.”

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Positive Instigator communicators love to win and hate to lose. One thing I love about Instigator communicators…you don’t have to guess where they stand or what they’re thinking because they WILL tell you! This strong-willed and “Talk to Me” trained Instigator communicator can and does anything to cooperate and succeed as a manager. I thought she ought to have a chance to share with all of us what I-types REALLY think about all this emotional talk stuff. So I interviewed “Sally” and recorded her uncensored thoughts and responses next.

WHAT I-TYPE (INSTIGATOR) BOSSES MIGHT HEAR AND SAY WHEN AN E-TYPE (EMPATHIZER) EMPLOYEE SAYS “NO CAN DO”

Below are the 7 assertive sentences I recommend that sensitive E-type communicators say to a tough-minded I-type boss when “no” is the right answer. Now for the twist: below is the “inner talk” of Sally, the hard-driving and honestly genuine I-type boss I interviewed to glean her “reactions” to these “assertive statements.”

1. I’LL HAVE TO PULL OFF OTHER PROJECTS TO GET THIS DONE.

What I-type boss hears: Um…here comes the whining again. Too bad for you! O.K. so we’re not all busy? Geez, wouldn’t I love to pull off some projects but I seem to be able to get them all done. We never run short of excuses, do we?

E-type Assertive Comeback: “I’ll have to pull off other projects to get this done.”

I-type boss says: Well, would you like me to help you prioritize?

2. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS IF OTHER THINGS FALL BEHIND?

What I-type boss hears: If I didn’t want you to do this, I wouldn’t have asked you. You are beginning to frustrate me. O.K. Look, I didn’t ask you to do very much…so what are you complaining about? I’m pretty hands-off and I divide jobs up fairly. Adults need to just do the job. Mature people get things done. Are you one of them?

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “Are you sure you want me to do this if other things fall behind?”

I-type boss says: Yes.

3. I THINK THAT’S TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ONE PERSON.

What I-type boss hears: You have a lack of dedication to your job. There’s a lack here of being a team player. Is this too much to ask you to do once in a while? Do we need to talk about this more? Aren’t you up to the job? No matter how much I have put on me, I get it all done. Sure, there’s some emotional cost to me but I get the job done.

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “I think that’s too much to ask of one person.”

I-type boss says: Well, we can certainly talk about that some more BUT we have a limited number of people and X amount of jobs to get done and we’re going to have to figure this out real soon.

4. I’M FEELING LIKE I’M OUT HERE ALONE.

What I-type boss hears: You probably are. If you can’t look around and see everyone else is doing as much or more than you are doing, then maybe you need to look at that. You always have to do more than you want to do due to limited manpower. What else is new?

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “I’m feeling like I’m out here alone.”

I-type boss says: Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. That’s not a huge problem. Let’s talk about that some more and see if there’s another way we can divide up the jobs.

5. O.K. BUT I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEED AND EXPECT FROM YOU IN RETURN TO GET THIS JOB DONE.

What I-type boss hears: O.K. so you’re going to waste my time with that feeling crap!

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “O.K. BUT I need to tell you what I need and expect from you in return to get this job done.”

I-type boss says: O.K., we’re going to have to talk about that, too. Well, what do you need from me? If I can do it, fine. If I can’t, tough luck cuz it won’t be possible. I’m always willing to listen to my people even though I don’t always agree with them. However, a decision needs to be made by me and we move forward. I don’t like re-visiting everything. It just wastes time and we already have limited time and staff. How many times are we going to have to discuss this very same exact thing?

6. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL.

What I-type boss hears: Nor should I but I do. If you want to go backwards and re-hash this thing again…it’s not a big deal!

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “I shouldn’t have to do it all.”

I-type boss says: Well, I wasn’t aware you were doing it all. If that’s a concern, we need to talk to everyone in the group and make some other arrangements.

7. THIS MAY BE ROUGH AND THERE WILL BE MISTAKES.

What I-type boss hears: WEAK. Weak argument…weak person…don’t tell me something you turn in will be “rough.” Make it look and be nice…it should be polished and professional.

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “This may be rough and there will be mistakes.”

I-type boss says: Please try not to have it be rough. You know how concerned I am about how things look when they leave our office.

ARE YOU NUTS?

Now, am I nuts like Sally said? Yeah, I suppose, BUT I don’t mind losing my mind once in awhile. I know communication breakdowns are the norm nowadays. BUT to tell you the truth…open two-way talk with a beloved I-type communicator is all-ways mind-bending and heart-opening, if you ask me. Do you avoid saying what you really think for fear of conflict?

ARE YOU A CRAPPY COMMUNICATOR?

Each week I work with Instigator and Empathizer Communicator managers and supervisors who want to focus on getting their teams paddling in the same direction. Why bother? Being a “crappy communicator” undermines your problem-solving abilities and skills — and may alienate your more “sensitive workhorses” who need to feel backed, instead of backed up against a wall.

DO YOU WORRY ABOUT HURTING OTHERS’ FEELINGS?

E-types so worry about hurting others’ feelings that they will tell while lies to avoid appearing disagreeable, cold or unfriendly. I-types think that dwelling in bad feelings or frustrations isn’t ever helpful, when it can be. Thus, E-types who feel resentful when used or ignored shouldn’t over-indulge in negative feelings. The point is to get to know how your opposite communicator type REALLY thinks and feels behind the social masks. Understanding one another trims the stress down to size.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

Remember my dear I-types: E-types are workhorses when they feel heard. And remember my stressed out E-types: I-types will negotiate just about anything with you when you speak up to get a job done well.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady points out that there’s a BIG difference between saying “no” and being a negative person, because they’re two very different things. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re negative or uncooperative; it just means you’re honest to yourself about what you can – and cannot – handle and perform with confidence and competence. O’Grady’s a professional keynote speaker and psychologist who is the founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”

I know you try your very best to understand yourself and other people, especially when you experience a loss or breakdown of communication. Maybe it’s a couple communication breakdown, a family miscommunication or a crisis at work. Whatever the problem, it can act like a brush fire that burns out of control across the landscape of your mind, making your best-laid plans go up in flames.

A MISMATCHED COMMUNICATION STYLE CAUSES TALK CRASHES

Sometimes, your positive personality is all you’re left to hang on to. Truth be told, when insecurity and loss of control strikes, we all search mightily for the answer to the nagging question: “Why do bad things happen to good people like me?” Sometimes, the answers you come up with – rightly or wrongly – define the problem but can also defy the solution. Because in my experience, a mismatched communication style – not a personality issue – is often at the core of more communication problems.

WHAT CAUSES A PERSONALITY SPLINTERING?

A personality is a lot like a diamond. Although strong and beautiful, a diamond can “crack” under pressure into smaller diamonds. A personality is like a whole diamond: it communicates better when all parts are talking to one another. What kind of pressure might cause a whole-diamond personality to shatter?

EMOTIONAL HURRICANES

If you attribute the “cause” of a serious personal issue to biology, you will fix upon the solution of medication to fix the problem. Likewise, if you attribute the “cause” of a personality problem to “unresolved childhood trauma,” then you will opt for long-term psychotherapy or perhaps do nothing at all. What’s my point? The “guilty party” frame you put around a problem dictates what you will or won’t try to resolve it. That’s why I say take the guesswork out of personal or relationship problems by hiring a “neutral expert or coach” … one who won’t let his or her emotions get in the way while yours are blowing like a hurricane. And that’s always why I stay results-focused, namely: “If what you’re doing isn’t working, try doing something different for a change!”

NEW INSIGHTS POLL: WHAT IS THE CAUSE OF MOST PERSONALITY PROBLEMS?

Now the cause of your problems is not your mother, right?! I love the private polls at www.drogrady.com because they allow the voice of “normal people” like you and me to be heard. We aren’t trying to affect politics or policy or sharpen a knife to skewer others. We simply want to know what each other are “honestly” thinking and feeling. Here’s what my readers say are the “causes” of serious personality issues in rank order:

1. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA………45.16%

2. BAD PARENTING…………….25.81%

3. BIOLOGY……………………….22.58%

4. UNLUCKY……………………….03.23%

5. INTIMIDATORS………………03.23%

6. SPOILED………………………..00.00%

CAN A ZEBRA CHANGE ITS STRIPES?

Can people past 17 years of age really change their personalities? Can a zebra change its stripes or a leopard change its spots? Many people, including professionals, still mistakenly believe that “personality issues” are unchanging and thus untreatable. This line of thinking cedes so much power to the “personality” instead of “the person” in the person-ality, doesn’t it? (Personally, I was totally shocked, that no one in the survey chose “spoiling a child and sparing the rod” as a reason for personality problems, because my mind has been chronically media-sized about how badly spoiled kids and teens are nowadays. Another negative media madness myth bites the dust?)

THE BIG THREE: CHILDHOOD TRAUMA…BAD PARENTING…BIOLOGY IS 94% AT FAULT

Now, I want to be VERY careful here. In science, when we don’t readily have an answer to a problem, we often “blame the parents.” For example, most of us believe “childhood trauma” is somehow the parents’ fault, especially the mother’s. Watch out…because that means that 94% of personality problems are somehow parent-driven, driven by the parents’ genetic code or biology…driven by bad parenting practices or instilling low self-confidence…driven by childhood trauma that in the U.S.A. is typically caused by home factors vs. school factors. Also, if almost half of all personality problems are caused by trauma to our children, then what traumas are being caused and how could they be stopped, if at all?

YOUR PERSONALITY IS A DIAMOND

Any way you slice it, your personality is separate and distinct from your communicator type. Likewise, your gender does not run the communication show, although your gender style of talking does affect what and how you do and say. Mostly though, your communicator type is the lens through which you look at the world-at-large. It’s the magnifying glass that you use to “explain and correct” the relationship problems you are experiencing.

NICE TRY, BUT NO CIGAR

If you blame personality issues on the “wrong” cause, chances are you will affix upon a “nice try, but wrong” solution. So you will try to fix the problem…the problem won’t be fixed…and you will be increasingly frustrated. “Talk to Me” is a proven communication approach or system to take the guesswork out of relationship problems caused by personality issues. Once you become accustomed to using “the four modes of communication” …. you’ll spontaneously “see solutions” to communication issues and impasses you never before saw. Just you try it and see!

ABOUT THE “TALK TO ME” APPROACH TO POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Dr. Dennis O’Grady knows that some people very people have very definite ideas (on target or not) about the roots or personality clashes, while some have not a clue. But he also knows that Communicator Type – Empathizer or Instigator – is often equally important (or more so) at helping understand and resolve personality clashes, at home, at work, in families. He’s a keynote speaker, workshop leader and the author of the “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone” system and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.

PREVIOUS RESULTS OF NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLLS

Previous New Insights Communication polls have included “What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With?” … “Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?” … “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?”

You’ve already got a very long “to do” list at work but your boss (wife/husband) calls you with something new and pressing for you to do. You think about the Stephen Covey time management rule that says you should stick to doing what’s important…not run around like a chicken with your head cut off doing what’s urgent. But you want to please your boss, and you want to be viewed as a positive and effective communicator on the team…a positive person who doesn’t make waves and ably surfs huge waves of stress. So should you “Just Say No?” or should you respect that little voice hollering in your ear: “Oh, my God, I won’t ever be able to get this all done and remain even half-way sane, but I’ve got to try anyway to please the boss so I’ll say Yes!”

WHEN YOU SAY NO, DO YOU FEEL BAD, WORRIED, NERVOUS OR GUILTY?

You have the right to say “no, maybe, or yes” to any request. That’s your call. BUT I’d like to know if you’re being too good for own good, you sensitive and empathetic souls out there! How to know: Do you have trouble saying “no” when “no” might be the “right” answer to give? Or, do you apologize a lot when you “say no,” making you appear wishy-washy, confused or weak? Not good. Know this: In my “Talk to Me” program, Empathizer communicators (E-types) struggle with saying “no” without feeling guilty. In contrast, Instigator communicators think people who can’t say “no” are weak.

WHAT E-TYPES SAY TO I-TYPES WHEN “NO” IS THE RIGHT ANSWER

It’s time for you sensitive Empathizer-type communicators to stop going along to get along with Instigator-type communicators, because when you go along, you’re more likely to fail at delivering positive results. These “directive statements” may seem loud, brash or pushy, but they are simply authentic, effective and truthful. Some ways to “just say no” to “strong-willed I-types” without making an enemy and in ways I-types will understand:

1. I’LL HAVE TO PULL OFF OTHER PROJECTS TO GET THIS DONE. This is heard by I-types as a “reality check” and “taking the pulse” of what is wished for vs. what is feasible.

2. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS IF OTHER THINGS FALL BEHIND? This is heard by I-types as a challenge to re-check their thinking and priorities and to do a cost-benefit analysis.

3. I THINK THAT’S TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ONE PERSON. This is heard by I-types as a genuine statement of how much work is unfairly falling on the shoulders of one person. I-types know it’s not fair to assign all the work to a single workhorse in the organization.

4. I’M FEELING LIKE I’M OUT HERE ALONE. This is heard by I-types as a report that you are stretched to the limit and need to be emotionally honest without belly-aching.

5. I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEED/EXPECT FROM YOU IN RETURN. This is heard by I-types as a form of negotiation to iron out the details. It’s a form of record-keeping.

6. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALL. This is not heard as complaining by I-types but instead is perceived as a call for back-up.

7. THE RIGHT ANSWER IS NO, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN SAY THAT. I-types respect when you are right on the dot to take more self-responsibility for your own happiness.

8. DON’T MAKE THINGS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY HAVE TO BE. I-types hear this as a warning to keep the big picture in mind, not get cocky, and make small corrections in the flight course to arrive at the goal destination.

9. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. This is heard by I-types as a direct confrontation that they are not “up to speed” or do not have the necessary information to make the proper decision. They will want to understand what’s wrong and what’s not working right.

10. I NEED HELP TO DO THIS. This isn’t heard by I-types as a weakness but as a warning that special conditions exist and need to be addressed to make the desired results and outcomes happen on timeline.

11. THIS MAY BE ROUGH AND THERE WILL BE MISTAKES. I-types like to be in control of the process. They don’t mind mistakes as much as they dislike being “caught off guard” by “bad news that comes out of the blue.”

12. WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? This alerts I-types to expect trouble in this project, such as, unexpected delays or difficult financial choices or people.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

Remember my dear E-types: I-types will respect you when you “talk pointedly” and assertively. The transactions above are GENUINE and not “too pushy” or “too negative” or “too loud.” If results matter, then being an accurate reporter of what is or isn’t possible stacks the career deck and romantic show in your favor. Just you try it a few times and see!

HERE’S WHY ONE EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR COULDN’T SAY NO

E-types like to be liked and they hate disappointing others. They often go along to get along which often doesn’t result in good things happening. One of my male E-type clients had this to say about his fear of letting others down:

“I hate saying ‘no’ so I over-promise even when I have a million things on my plate. If I simply said ‘I can’t do it now’ I would be far better off. But I can’t say no because I don’t want to disappoint other people. I feel bad promising what I know I won’t be able to deliver on, and this results in my letting others down who get miffed with me. I should say ‘no’ but I don’t usually have the nerve to.

“I say ‘yes’ a lot in my relationship when I would rather say ‘no thanks…or no, not now.’ I take a backseat to the relationship, and my partner doesn’t respect me. What’s so perverse is that I create results that are the opposite of my intentions! By trying so VERY hard not disappoint anyone, I disappoint them all the more. After I’m ‘caught,’ I will justify and make excuses to cover my tracks…and even lie. And I’m not a liar!

“Bottom line: If I help people all the time, I think I will be liked. When I’m liked…I feel happy. So little-by-little, I keep giving people what they want. Then people at work and my relationship partner see me as ‘weak’ and ‘lacking responsibility and accountability’ because I don’t keep my word.”

Agreeing to avoid appearing disagreeable is a disaster waiting to happen.

IF YOU CAN’T SAY NO, CAN YOU REALLY MEAN YES?

If you can’t say “no” when you want to, can you really mean “yes” when you say so? Being a people pleaser displeases people a lot. And besides, what’s in it for you? Are you afraid of being seen as negative or losing the respect of someone if you don’t say ‘yes?’ The reverse psychology: In truth, Instigator communicators appreciate and respect you more when they can’t run over you.

AGREEING TO GO ALONG TO GET ALONG

Actually, this could be a pattern of nice people “agreeing to go along to get along” but not able to handle what already was on their plate. Sometimes, “no” is the best answer for all concerned. Understanding your communicator type, and your co-communicator’s type, can free you up to talk positively about negative things and set needed boundaries so you don’t go nuts from overwork and under-pleasuring yourself.

SO WHEN YOUR PLATE IS FULL AND OVER-FLOWING

So don’t agree to do what isn’t humanly possible for you when you have a million things on your plate and your plate is full and over-flowing unto your communicator table. So simply “say yes to yourself,” and “say no when no is the right answer” to keep your light shining bright to the benefit of everyone.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady points out that there’s a BIG difference between saying “no” for the all the right reasons and being a negative person, and they’re two very different things. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re negative or uncooperative; it just means you’re honest to yourself about what you can – and cannot – handle and perform with confidence and competence. He’s a professional keynote speaker who is the founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”

Normal folks know that touch isn’t supposed to hurt but help. There’s something comforting and validating about appropriate adult-to-adult touch of a genuine nature…it says more than words can say sometimes. It’s not a crime to touch people in caring and positive ways that are meant to foster relationship connection vs. disconnection…especially when we tire of the struggle of solving problems that come one after the other. Will you shy away from warm appropriate touch because of all the “hands off” messages most of us are receiving today?

DO EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATORS TOUCH MORE OFTEN THAN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS?

Do people touch differently based on their communicator type? Yes, they do, Frodo! Empathizers (E-types) use touch to display affection…while Instigators (I-types) use touch to restore order. E-types touch as a way of saying, “I care about you as a person.” I-types touch as way of saying, “I believe you can do it.” Either way, non-verbal touch sends a powerful and positive message when used effectively and comfortably to energize relationships vs. manipulate people.

THE POSITIVE TALK OF TOUCH

Here’s my list for you and yours to focus on the remarkable healing powers of “touch talk” that wise communicators DO so well without realizing it:

1. SHAKE HANDS WITH FEELING. Pay attention to the next hand you grab … feel the warmth of the soul that resides in that skin.

2. TENDER TOUCH. When you finish a business meeting with someone little or big… just lightly touch the persons’ forearm as you smile wide and say adieu.

3. DON’T ACT AGGRAVATED WHEN YOUR PARTNER HUGS YOU. Better yet…go over and hug your partner compassionately…your partner won’t end up in the emergency room from shock, will he/she?

4. DRAG A COMB ACROSS YOUR HEAD? Make this a “be kind to my face” day when you go about grooming…comb your hair with sincere appreciation for having any hair at all to comb and shave with a little long, lost empathy added in.

5. SLAP A BACK. Slap a back out of sheer joy for knowing someone you feel close enough to do just that…not as a power statement of rank you Instigator (I-type) communicators!

6. TOUCH-O-MATIC. Let me state the obvious now: Stop making touch(ing) or not touch(ing) an automatic reflex that is meaningless.

7. LONELINESS. Do you concur with me that the depth or lack of emotional appreciation in our interpersonal world is SO deep and profound that a little touching works wonders?

8. INTERACTIONAL PHYSIOEMOTIONAL INTIMACY. I just thought such a “brainy” sentence sounded really good (Hi, my dear I-types!) but the rule is that physical closeness begets emotional connection which forms a circle of growing emotional closeness…and so on. Scooby, dooby-do. Sexual intimacy is of a different ilk altogether.

9. THE EMOTIONAL RACK. Couples who don’t talk…couples who don’t touch…couples who don’t feel close…couples who don’t engage in sexual interplay…couples who are dulled by all work and no play…are stretched on an emotional rack and drying out and dying inside. Why should that include you?

10. USE VOICE TONE TOUCH. Leave voice mails that reach through the lines and “touch” the listener with a good feeling or a smile or a simple chuckle. You can do it!

PLANET TOUCH

We’re all pretty lonely, anxious and scared on Planet Touch. I know I am and I’ve got it all! Sometimes, a simple touch confirms what we all need to know, namely, that we aren’t ALL alone and lost in an overwhelming world of emotions that we want to run away from and use anything as an escape. But are you touched, or what? Make conscious touch a part of your life today.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the grate-full author of a proven new communication theory found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.

Here’s a guilt trip guaranteed to work almost every time on an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator: “You don’t think of anybody but yourself!” Another one that pushes the guilt button is, “Why do you have to always be SO selfish?!” E-types actually feel bad when the good they’re doing for themselves isn’t approved of by a partner! Go figure! On the other side of the talk street, Instigator communicators don’t feel selfish about “taking care of yourself” when they do good things for ME-self. E-types, you’re being too sensitive.

DO YOU FEEL GUILTY WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF?

Empathizer-type communicators will try hard to please others, and try EVEN harder to make everyone happy. The result? The “nice E-type guy or gal” finishes last in happiness but first in pain and suffering. E-types don’t know when to quit while they’re behind, and will beat their talk heads against a rock wall of resentments. I-types won’t stand for it, and push to achieve their personal goals even when they get flak. Instigators developed the “flak jacket.”

ARE YOU TOO SENSITIVE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOUR LIFE CHOICES?

E-types are pleasers at heart. They shouldn’t try so hard to “be good enough” or be a perfect-pleasing pleaser in ALL their relationships. Empathizer communicators stand glum with their emotional backs in a corner and their minds numb, while Instigator communicators aren’t about to allow anyone to control their minds or make them feel bad for long.

HOW TO NOT FEEL BAD WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF

It’s up to you to be the leader of your own life. You aren’t in this world to make others happy…they’ve got to do that job all by their lonesome(s). Your job is to enjoy and experience the time you have on this spirit-spinning planet. How to do something good for yourself instead of feel bad:

1. THINK AGAIN. “You don’t think of anybody but yourself!” is a bold-faced lie. The reason an I-type guilt-trips you with this is because it works to shut you down and make you more controllable.

2. LAY DOWN LIES. Lies repeated become warped truths. If you’ve heard 100 times that you’re selfish, you will check into yourself to “see” if there’s any truth to it. Enough repetition makes you think the thought yourself—true or not.

3. GUILT RIPS OUT YOUR VOCAL CORDS. Guilt makes you feel action-arthritic. Guilt trips slow you down because guilt and shame make you ashamed to feel happy and self-satisfied.

4. BE A PROMOTER OF HEALTHY SELFISHNESS. Healthy selfishness is real. Honestly, every behavior ought to include a mixture of selflessness and selfishness…it should be good for you and me and almost everyone else, too.

5. THE SHAME AND BLAME GAME IS LAME. Kick the “shame on you” critical parent trap. When you felt vulnerable as a kid, shaming guilt trips always made you tow the line and be a smiley-child who couldn’t be true to the genuine self. It’s okay NOT to do that as an adult.

6. DON’T BE A BELIEVER. Why do you believe bold-faced lies? If you’re an Empathizer, the criticism aimed at you is often far truer of the person flinging the criticism. Ah, how insane the art of projecting our problems into someone else’s mind to solve.

7. USE HEALTHY ANGER. Controllers seek the power of controlling your time and life. Plenty of power-hungry people would love for you to be a carbon copy of them. How’s that for Excessive Self-Esteem!

8. LET ANGER ATTACKS FLY RIGHT BY YOU. Anger intimidation via “anger attacks” are the biggest reason you back off from taking care of yourself. If I can make your skin crawl by being rude, crude and lewd and I learn that’s the way to get my way…well, I’m going to let fly a razor-sharp “anger attack” boomerang. Angry disapproval is a passive-aggressive payback of the worst kind.

9. SHYING AWAY FROM CONFLICT. It’s easier to do or say nothin’ and stay stuck in your corner? Yeah, in the short term, until you get fed up with being sick and tired. Change requires using a new map of travel. Long-term, it’s a trip worth taking, but it those first few steps feel awful on your “communicating positively and effectively” journey. Don’t turn back.

10. PLACATE NO MORE. Empathizers (E-types) will please others and try to make them happy, until the “nice guy or gal” finishes last in happiness but first in pain. No one wins in that race.

GET OVER THE GUILT COMPLEX

Shoot, my dear E-types…you’ve been slammed all your life for being “too sensitive.” Yeah, it’s hard to make a decision that makes you feel happy if it makes your partner feel all grumpy, dumpy, give the evil eye and act all unhappy…like it’s your fault and shame on you for being so mean. DO the new, anyway! You know how to “mean what you say without being mean,” for gosh sakes. If you don’t protect your energy, literally, the life energy will be sucked right out of you and your positive change goals will be strangled to death!

IF YOU DON’T THINK OF ANYBODY ELSE…WHY NOT THINK OF YOURSELF?

If you’re going to be blamed and shamed for doing something good for yourself anyway, why not do something good for yourself, today? Enough already of chomping on the guilt-laden manure sandwich that you’ve been handed and told is a tasty bolgna sandwich. That’s pure baloney! Why allow your mind to be jammed-packed with guilt explosives of the “You just think about yourself” kind anymore. Can I hear a “Me-First” for a change of assertive talk scenery? You have nothing to feel guilty for…not even feeling guilty for not being able to stand up for yourself and take charge. If you don’t think of anybody else—think of yourself first.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone,” prefers Big Macs and Quarter Pounders with cheese, not manure sandwiches, at the communication table of life.