Posts in category: TYPE TALK

Positive communicators are optimistic drivers on a two-way communication highway. Their way is only one among many to travel. In contrast, negative communicators are closed-minded drivers on a one-way communication highway. Their way is the ONLY way (and they’re happy to tell you so).

How would you rate your communication skills? When the heat is on, do you rate yourself as a “bad” communicator…a “good” communicator…or a “great” communicator? Positive communicators (whether Empathizer or Instigator communicators) realize that what they feel, think, do and say REALLY matters. Talk isn’t cheap. It’s a vital investment in solving pesky people problems to get where all in the talk car need to go.

NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLL

Self-opinions can be flattering or self-defeating. In fact, they can either be accurate or inaccurate. Often, how you think of yourself and whether that opinion is positive or negative may or may not be true or shared by others in the world of communication. Often in the real world of real results, how you’re experienced by your talk partners is VERY different than how you think you’re coming across. This is what a recent “keep it simple” Dr. O’Grady survey revealed about your talk skills attitude:

1. I AM A GOOD COMMUNICATOR……..65.52%

2. I AM A GREAT COMMUNICATOR……24.14%

3. I AM A BAD COMMUNICATOR……….10.34%

As a group of working and talking citizens, 90% of us believe that we are good-to-great communicators. But what might these numbers reveal? Does this mean we are honest…open…willing to tell the truth…able to handle the hot potato of conflicts without throwing bad talk in someone’s lap…accurate about the negatives and positives alike…people with high Emotional I.Q.’s or able to hear and use negative feedback to improve ourselves? That’s the hundred dollar question!

WHAT IS AN OPTIMISTIC DRIVER WHO IS A POSITIVE COMMUNICATOR?

A positive communicator chooses to deal with negative life events in positive ways that accentuate the positive and diminish the negative. They seek to add energy to relational communication vs. drain the life battery of others with nega-talking while traveling along on the communication highway. Here’s a quick list of what makes anyone an optimistic driver on the two-way communication highway in my opinion:

• You don’t “talk big” (or small) since you consider words to be living and breathing “statements of action”
• Your word is your bond…you don’t engage in power plays that are control-centered, not relationship-centered
• Since your word is your bond, you seek to be accurate in all of your conversations…including with the kids
• You do what you say you’re going to do in a timely way…you’re ready to go on a trip when you say you’ll be ready
• You don’t make promises you can’t keep to keep people off your back in the talk car
• You don’t make time-wasting stops along the journey
• You don’t “stuff” your likes and dislikes inside….to be socially viewed as a “goody go-along good guy or gal”
• You are daily working on a plan to become a better communicator…you are on a mission
• You practice new communication tools and driving skills…and get corrective feedback
• You seek to improve your communication skills even when you think of yourself as “great”
• You don’t blame others when you get lost or for any results you are getting
• You have an open attitude to mapping out new personal changes without defensiveness
• You accept the blame and shame game is lame and so you steer clear
• You use goals to establish a communication destination…and stick to them when times are tough and weather stormy

Inaccurate communication involves a one-way street of unhealthy anger or guilt trips that beget pessimistic communications, the kind that are closed-down, ineffective and extremely unhelpful. In short, obstacles are thrown up in front of your talk car that you can crash into…road blocks that can and do become dispiriting and that stall out your best goals and intentions.

EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS

Negative emotional states (feeling blue, anxious, angry, guilty) act like fog that makes traveling at normal speeds on the two-way communication highway impossible. The problem: To get rid of negative emotions, we often hand them off to another and “stick” them in the mind of a co-communicator. Empathizer-type communicators are prone to picking up negative or positive emotions from others that do not belong to them. Instigator-type communicators are prone to inciting (passing along) negative emotions in others that do belong to them and need to be worked through. Either way, your emotions affect your optimistic vs. pessimistic attitude and are acted out on the relationship stage for better or worse. The solution: to be responsible and “flip in” when you are experience emotions that make you feel vulnerable, insecure and inadequate.

WHAT GRADE WOULD YOUR TALK PARTNER(S) GIVE YOU IN THE COURSE ON COMMUNICATION?

In a previous article, I recommended that “good” communicators ask what grade they are getting from their talk partner, and why. I realize that most of you won’t follow this simple exercise because it can be uncomfortable. Thus, I think it’s safe and prudent to say that both Empathizer and Instigator communicators would receive a “C” in the Course on Communication, largely due to driving willy-nilly in whatever direction their communicator car points them. My solution is for you to study (and use) the communication system in “Talk to Me” so you can talk on purpose, accurately and positively, and deal with negative life events in productive ways that benefit everyone involved in your life.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady believes SO-o strongly in the cause and effect of communication that he simply can’t stop writing books about the topic. He’s the founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio, and author of the newly published “Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone” available only on this site.

Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides communication coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states.

There are two new types of communicators in town, and knowing your type and who you’re talking to by type, will speed your travels down the two-way communication highway. The first order of communication business then, is to know and appreciate your own “natural” communicator type. Thus, even when you take an unintended detour, you will be able to enjoy the scenery and not feel frustrated by putting your foot in your mouth. You and I are either an Empathizer communicator (E-type) or an Instigator communicator (I-type). Which one are you? And no, you can’t be both!

ARE YOU AN EMPATHIZER (E-TYPE) COMMUNICATOR OR AN INSTIGATOR (I-TYPE) COMMUNICATOR?

By downloading and skimming chapter 1 of my book TALK TO ME, you will know what your communicator type is, and why adopting the strengths of your opposing communicator type is SO crucial to effective communication, professional leadership development training and relationship stress management at work and in your personal relationships.

Skim the following “big picture” set of opposing communicator traits to get a quick “feel” or “mindset” for the two types of players on this talk planet named EMPATHIZERS AND INSTIGATORS:

1. Empathizer (E-type) communicators: E-types experience the self as interpersonally sensitive
Instigator (I-type) communicators: I-types experience the self as interpersonally insensitive

2. Empathizers: E-types drive from their strength of empathy
Instigators: I-types drive from their strength of genuineness

3. Empathizers: Failure and rejection stings E-types…
they have difficulty getting beyond the past
Instigators: Failure and rejection rolls off the back of I-types…
they forget the past and move on

4. Empathizers: When stressed, E-types feel negative and then unexpectedly “act out” in negative behaviors
Instigators: When stressed, I-types think negative and then unexpectedly “talk out” in negative words

5. Empathizers: E-types ding their opposite communicator type (I-types) for being too stubborn and hard-headed
Instigators: I-types ding their opposite communicator type (E-types) for being too soft and wishy-washy

6. Empathizers: E-types listen inclusively with “three” ears, including what’s said non-verbally between the lines of unspoken talk
Instigators: I-types listen selectively with “one” ear with a goal to catch only the top headlines in the Daily Talk news

7. Empathizers: E-types’ Achilles Heel: Can become lost in the fog of feeling down, sad and blue
Instigators: I-types’ Achilles Heel: Can become lost in the fog of impatience, irritation, and anger

8. Empathizers: E-types are relationship experts who are natural-born “people fixers”
Instigators: I-types are strategic experts who are natural-born “problem fixers”

9. Empathizers: E-types struggle with low self-esteem or the glass-is-half-empty negativism
Instigators: I-types suffer from excessive self-esteem or the glass-is-half-full thinking that optimizes the negative

10. Empathizers: E-types “feel deeply” about relationship impacts in order to make life changes
Instigators: I-types “think deeply” about career impacts in order to make life changes

11. Empathizers: E-types’ feelings get hurt too easily-too thin-skinned-take things too personally
Instigators: I-types’ feelings don’t get hurt easily enough-too thick-skinned-don’t take things personally enough

12. Empathizers: E-types regret thinking too much before speaking and biting holes in their tongues
Instigators: I-types regret speaking too much before thinking and not biting enough holes in their tongue

13. Empathizers: E-types are prone to pleasing too much or telling you what you want to hear, and then holding grudges
Instigators: I-types are prone to displeasing too much or telling you what you don’t want to hear, and then withholding compliments

14. Empathizers: E-types under severe relationship distress negatively believe: “It’s always your way or the highway!”
Instigators: I-types under severe relationship distress negatively feel: “You’re right. It IS my way or the highway!”

15. Empathizers: An E-types’ secret wish is to be more assertive and speak more bluntly without beating around the bush
Instigators: An I-types’ secret wish is to be less aggressive and speak more diplomatically without beating a dead horse

16. Empathizers: E-types are natural-born team players with strong intuitive skills to use in the game of life
Instigators: I-types are natural-born leaders with strong personality types to use in the game of life

ARE THE TALK TYPES EVENLY DISTRIBUTED?

How many of each talk type are there running around? Statistically, 40% of all people are Empathizer communicators (E-types) while 60% of all people are Instigator communicators (I-types).

ADOPTING THE STRENGTHS OF YOUR OPPOSING COMMUNICATOR TYPE WHILE AVOIDING YOUR OWN ACHILLES HEEL

Empathizers and Instigators alike become far more effective by focusing on their own communicator strengths while adopting the strengths of their corresponding communicator type and at the same time avoiding their own Achilles Heel. Example: E-types are more productive problem-solvers when they become “insensitive” and don’t worry so much about what other people will think or say. In contrast, I-types are more flexible when they use “sensitive” people skills and think more about others’ feelings.

Example of an Achilles Heels: When E-types fail to “surf the stress wave” they will mess with your emotions and make you feel kicked in the gut. When I-types fall off their surf board while riding large waves of stress, they will mess with your mind and make your head spin. Neither style of communicating is better or worse…just different.

ARE YOU DRIVING ON A TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY?

Don’t worry if all traits don’t fit you exactly, since one size shoe doesn’t fit all communicators. Just get a feel for the talk pattern for each type. Then identify who you are talking to by type to triple the power of your talk tools! In short, knowing your own communicator type makes two-way positive communication travel on the relationship highway more sane, predictable and enjoyable.

Sensitive kids or sensitive adults who are prone to feeling anxious, down and sometimes blue are Empathizer-type communicators, and I discuss E-types, for short, in my book “Talk to Me.”

Empathizer communicators’ feelings run as deep as the ocean. In fact, your lovable E-type child often feels like a fish out of water, floundering about, flopping about on a sandy beach and drying out in the sun. An Empathizer’s secret worry: “Is something weird or wrong with me because my feelings run SO deep?”

TURNING SMALL WEAKNESSES INTO MIGHTY ASSETS

Your empathetic understanding and caring words of guidance “light up” Empathizers whose lights are burning dim. How you can tell if your “anxious” or “shy” child is an Empathizer communicator who will benefit from learning new communciation tools that reliably turn small weaknesses into mighty assets? Here are some common traits:

1. ANXIOUS. The E-type kid secretly wonders, “What’s wrong with me?” Or, “Why am I able to “see” what people are really feeling and thinking but not saying out loud or talking honestly about?” E-types “tune in” to feelings that are denied or “brushed off” by insensitive others who strive to be tough.

2. OUTSIDER. The E-type kid can be quiet, hardly any trouble, able to entertain him/herself, follows the rules, likes to please others, is deathly afraid of conflict and angry power plays, is a brave-hearted includer instead of an excluder, is kind to discarded animals and unpopular people alike, etc…Empathizer kids can feel like they’re on the outside of their social group (or family nests) looking in. Their quietness doesn’t mean serenity.

3. SHY PEACEMAKER. The E-type kid doesn’t want to make anyone mad…even if the NegaTalker/person or relationship bully has it coming. Empathizers don’t want to make waves, impose their will on an event, will smile through the pain, fail to be pushy when a push is needed, and are prone to thinking magically that everyone can change or get along. E-types don’t want to hurt anyone and feel very anxious about making anyone upset…especially people they depend on to feel good.

4. TOO NICE. The E-type kid is too tolerant of interpersonal stupidity and others’ self-centeredness, and tolerating these type of negative behaviors raises their anxiety level more. In fact, because Empathizers don’t fuss much or raise a ruckus…they can send the wrong message that a heavy-handed behavior is approved of when the E-type child silently despises such behavior. Thus, E-types need to be thicker-skinned: “I don’t care if that big, fat liar, gets flipped off at me…I’m still going to give them a piece of my mind!”

5. JUST SAY YES. The E-type kid will say “yes” when they really mean “no.” Being a yes-sayer will confuse family members and friends, alike. Since Empathizers don’t want to hurt anyone, they fail to set limits and fear the wrath of telling someone…”NO! THAT’S ENOUGH!” E-types are also vulnerable to put downs, jabs, psychocritiques, guilt bombs, social pressures, carrying grudges, mindless stupid remarks, propaganda or gossip campaigns, relationship triangulation or backstabbing and gossiping, social exclusion and shaming, just to mention a few heavy hitters that are used in grade school, junior and senior high school.

6. ‘WHAT IF’ WORRIER. The E-type kid can be an obsessive worrier and play the “What IF” worry record too damn loud. Please get your sensitive kid to talk aloud about their worries instead of keeping them rolling around their skull like a hamster running in a treadmill! Typical worries that can drive you bonkers: “What IF I’m picked on?” “What IF the bully comes on strong?” “What IF my friends or teacher or the group disapproves?” “What IF I’m laughed at for the clothes I’m wearing?” “What IF no one talks to me?” “What IF no one likes me?” “What IF I/we don’t have enough money?” “What IF I can’t get to sleep tonight?” “What IF I can’t stop worrying myself?” Whew…

7. JUST WANT TO BLEND IN. The E-type kid just wants to blend in, fit in and not stand out like a sore thumb. Empathizers want to feel “normal” when their Emotional I.Q. is Gifted. Empathizers look upon their unique strengths as weaknesses; for example, their highly developed intuitive skills are labeled or perceived as “kinda’ odd or crazy.” Trying too hard to blend into a faceless crowd can make E-types turn away from actualizing the true self which is the root of all happiness.

8. LOVE TO HATE. Empathizers have a SUPER-hard time being hateful, hurtful, spiteful, mean, exclusionary or vindictive, which are common social tactics of the immature soul. In fact, healthy anger raises their anxiety level to new heights, because: “I’m not a good person and I will be punished for being so rude and uncaring!” I wish E-types would rant and rave and make a scene and make the self look bad and scream and shout their lungs out and rip insenstizers a new one because we’d ALL (and the world) be far better off being emotionally genuine.

9. INCLUDERS, NOT EXCLUDERS. The E-type kid doesn’t want anyone to be excluded or left out in the cold, particulary when the person might be “odd or different,” “hurting or shunned” or “diverse.” E-types don’t need to receive diversity training, because they FEEL mad that so many people are SO prejudiced about SO-O many things in the first place…including their parents! Religion, politics, gender bashing, racial and cultural extremism are just a few of the topics E-types shy away from due to the angry-shaming prejudices commonly shown.

10. DIM SELF-IMAGE. The E-type kid needs a self-esteem booster shot now and then. Empathizers can be loyal to a fault, be stepped on like a doormat, talk to people to whom they should give the cold shoulder, act nice when they ought to act mean, try to be good and act “nice” when being bad and acting “mean” might be a better solution. E-types are relationship-centered and “people fixers” by nature…so getting mixed up with the wrong family/crowd will put their inner light on a dimmer switch that is a downer.

11. PRIVATELY ENJOYS SELF. The E-type kid likes to laugh, loves to have fun, enjoys special time with pets, loves to go on “talk-and-walks” solo with dad or mom. Empathizers are SO prone to going on unearned guilt trips, and anxiously worry: “Am I a bad person who deserves to be punished because I’m not good or grown up enough?” E-types can even worry that God is critically watching and condemning them mercilessly.

12. SUPER SENSITIVE. Ah, the biggest strength of the E-type kid…super-sized on the sensitivity factor…is their biggest Achilles Heel. There’s nothing to worry about! Empathizers feel the “tribe/group feelings” that others fear feeling…feelings about war, the environment, divorce, family squabbles, poverty and the class system, religious scapegoating and religious fruitcakes…just to mention a few. Some day let’s be brave enough to ask: “What would Empathizers do?”

A LONG-TAILED CAT IN A ROOM FULL OF ROCKERS

God love our E-type kids. Born to be super-sensitive, prone to anxiety, on the shy side even when they are extroverts, active and anxious, driving too hard to be liked, fearing too much, skittish of acting mean or nasty, socially awkward like “a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs,” suffering from a guilt complex when “no” is the right answer to give, prone to acting or saying what others what to see or hear, shy to act proud of the self, living alone by the golden rule of love vs. the rusty rule of resentment, “seers and hearers” of how to make YOU and this world a far better place…our beloved E-types’ emotions are as deep as the deepest ocean.

My wish for every Empathizer, child and adult alike: You have EVERY reason to like yourself and feel proud of yourself because YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST AS YOU ARE!! All of us would do far better to adopt your sensitive nature and take after your emotional honesty.

In the meantime, people can either enjoy you as you are or stay out of your way, face and space. You don’t have to keep your mouth shut and act so reserved. Being caring also means not caring for bad treatment…and speaking up about it forcefully and in a “ME”AN tone of voice.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady writes about Empathizer communicators, kids and adults alike, in his book “TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In Dr. O’Grady’s studies, Dennis has found that about 40% of us are E-type communicators, whether we are introverts or extroverts, young or old, male or female, rich or poor. Knowing your communicator type as a parent, and understanding the communicator type of your child, will make all the difference in communicating effectively in ways that bring out the best in your child or teen. You can read about the opposite communicator type, the Instigator or I-type child by clicking on the underlined link. Also, you can view an adult comparison of the two types by reviewing the article “Are You A Sensitive or Insensitive Communicator?”

Do you feel that you manage anger in healthy, expert ways? Most clients with whom I work closely to improve their communication skills are afraid of conflict and the anger that accompanies strong disagreement. In fact, “nice” people tend to stuff anger inside,
while “strong” personalities get their anger out. Both types of anger handlers experience some pretty negative consequences to their self-esteem, physical energy and the quality of relationships. Too weird is a combination of both approaches: Many times, we first stuff or sit on our anger and THEN explode on a passerby and say some pretty mean things.

IMPLOSIVE ANGER VS. EXPLOSIVE ANGER

How many of us swallow anger in an implosive way, and how many of us
get anger off our chest and distribute anger in an explosive way?

This New Insights Communication reader poll discovered that normal, intelligent people like you and me SAY:

50% say “I am an ANGER IMPLODER.”

30.77% say “I am an ANGER EXPLODER.”

19.23 % say “I am an ANGER EXPERT.”

DISCUSSION: Well, looks like we can all learn how to manage our anger and frustration a little better, can’t we? Looks like there are lots of “anger imploders” out there! In theory, the positive purpose of anger is to make difficult changes happen faster, to state disagreement openly and passionately, to admit to problems instead of ignore the elephant in the room, to brainstorm options to travel in new directions when we have lost our way.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN EMPATHIZER AND INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS

In my interpersonal communication studies, Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) tend to be “anger imploders,” while Instigator-type communicators (I-types) tend to be “anger exploders.” One method for handling anger isn’t better than the other…just different. Empathizers and Instigators who use assertive talk strategies tend to deal with distress the best. Examples: “I feel very frustrated and disagree strongly with what you’re proposing!” Or, “Frankly, I know what you’re suggesting sounds good, but IT won’t work and will simply frustrate everyone!” Or, “I could act like I’m going along with the program here but I really don’t agree for one minute!”

Thanks for your vote…and vote on the next poll that addresses the issue and
impacts of social “shyness.”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist and communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, USA. His new communication theory of Empathizer (E-type) vs. Instigator (I-type) communicators is featured in his newly released book TALK TO ME. In Dr. O’Grady’s clinical studies, Empathizer communicators tend to struggle with stuffing anger, while Instigator communicators struggle with spreading anger around. You can participate in Dr. O’Grady’s practical weekly communication polls at www.drogrady.com.

The new Pixar movie “Cars” rocks and zooms to the all-night driving tune by Rascal Flatts called “Life Is a Highway.” This classic hero’s journey storyline, cut from the same light saber as Star Wars, sure made my brain light up all night long! You can set your tripometer to the fact that I got my communication kicks on Route 66, when my girls took me to the new Disney movie for my birthday. “Cars” will get you where you need and want to go. And, yeah, I turned double nickels, like the speed limit on many highways.

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN OR TWO-WAY TALK HIGHWAY?

Have you had a bad communication breakdown on your talk highway recently that pushed you to find yourself in spite of yourself, like the hero in the movie…Lightning McQueen?

My engine is roaring and my spirits are soaring because my newly released book TALK TO ME, aimed at better communication, also uses the car metaphor to get on the right talk track. In fact, I used driver’s education, driving blue and burnt orange cars, opposing lanes of communication, the two-way vs. one-way communication highway and all sorts of driving stuff to drive home good communication tools!

So, naturally, my hopes were desert-wide and sky-high that the movie would run true to the communications system that took me four years to make, too.