Posts in category: TYPE TALK

As a parent of three daughters and a communication psychologist, early-on I outlawed the use of the word “stupid” in my home. I know it’s “stupid”…BUT I loathe the word “stupid” although I hear it daily in my office and at home! Yikes!

RUN FORREST, RUN

“What was I thinking?!” “That’s the point…I wasn’t thinking!” is a lament I hear daily in my psychotherapy practice. If I had ten bucks every time I’ve heard that “What-I-did-am-stupid-and-guilty” put down, why…WHY I would be as rich in my bank account as I am in my personality. Psychologically, repetitively speaking the word “stupid” encourages and reinforces “stupid” AKA UNCARING actions.

WHY FORREST GUMP WAS SUPER-SMART AND SUPER-CARING

Forrest Gump cut to the chase because he DARED TO CARE. I’m a 30-plus year veteran of the “stupid talk wars.” Here were some of the ways people express a lack of caring about caring framed in the word “stupid.”

1. Idiot
2. Dumbbell
3. IT for brains
4. Stupid people make me really angry
5. Empty-headed
6. Stupid systems are dumb
7. Numbskull
8. Do you use your head for more than a hat rack?
9. Dim-witted
10. Dumb as a rock
11. Dumb nuts
12. Dumb as dirt
13. Dumb as a doorbell
14. Plumb…dumb…stupid
15. You can’t fix stupid
16. Hey, fathead!
    

My, now aren’t we feeling fine after filling our minds with a bunch of garbage? My definition of dumb is “uncaring.” And yes, people are plenty uncaring…especially towards themselves because they lack high self-esteem (HSE). HSE is being able to show caring toward self and others when you are feeling tossed about, split apart, strained, pushed, stressed or hurting.

Forrest Gump was right that “Stupid is as stupid does!” I might add that “Caring is as caring does!” Forrest was VERY CARING…even risking his life and helping others’ dreams come true long after they left this world. In my couch talk, that means y/our Emotional I.Q., or what you do DO…matters as much, or more than, your intellectual I.Q. or what you are capable of doing.

We can be plenty brainy but still lack caring. In my communicator theory, Forrest Gump would be an ETE, or an Empathizer-type extrovert. Very rare type! I call ETE’s…SEERRS. Empathizer extroverts see and know what it would take to make the world a far better place IF you and I would only….

You aren’t stupid. You can think ahead to the consequences of what you are feeling like doing today. After all, “Caring is as caring does!” may not always be smart but it is brave!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is an executive coach, management consultant and professional relationship counselor who is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.

TALK TODAY: YOUR EMOTIONAL I.Q. IS THROUGH THE ROOF

There ARE effective ways to talk to an “insensitive partner” if you know the secrets of what makes your partner tick and what makes him/her walk away ticked off.

For example, I’ve talked to three concerned mothers this week, and they’re all searching for answers as to whether their respective children might be suffering from extreme mood swings known as Bipolar Mood Disorder. Although all of us ride on a mood roller coaster once in awhile, mood issues are especially dicey for “sensitive people,” also known as Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators.

So how to talk to an “insensitive partner” about emotional issues? And what do you do when YOU are the “sensitive” partner or Empathizer-type communicator…and you have to get through to the “insensitive” partner or Instigator-type communicator? Great question dear reader, and boy, how you make me think! (Actually you use the Beliefs mode of talk…more about that later.)

Here’s how an Empathizer-type mother can talk to an Instigator-type father about their “moody” child who is having “anger outbursts” at school and at home:

1. E-type says: Are you frightened by Johnny’s outbursts and behavior?
2. I-type responds: No, he’s just acting like a typical boy.

3. E-type says: It’s not helping our child if we deny that there’s a problem.
4. I-type responds: I’m not in denial about anything.

5. E-type says: I’ll spin my wheels if you’re not on board with me.
6. I-type responds: Why do you think I’m not on your side when I don’t see things like you do?

7. E-type says: You haven’t noticed the temper tantrums and anger outbursts?
8. I-type responds: Sure…I just think you’re making too big a deal out of this.

9. E-type says: Maybe I am taking this too personally. Who knows? Do you respect my judgment on parenting matters?
10. I-type responds: Absolutely. You’re a great mother whose head’s in the right place.

11. E-type says: I wish I could make this pain go away, too, for Johnny.
12. I-type responds: Yeah…I’d like to take the pain out of him and fix it like I do with stuff!

13. E-type says: I don’t want this to be a problem either.
14. I-type responds: I don’t want to be acting like I don’t care…because I do…and actually I’m a little worried.

15. E-type says: I don’t like this problem, but we have to find solutions.
16. I-type responds: I hate it… Johnny’s too young to be having such a big issue! He’s my boy!!

17. E-type says: We need to find and use helpful tools to address this together.
18. I-type responds: I don’t have time to be running all over town to doctors.

19. E-type says: Just because we don’t want this to be true…we shouldn’t convince ourselves that it isn’t true.
20. I-type responds: I know I can act like an ostrich sometimes and bury my head in the sand or become preoccupied with my work.

21. E-type says: The worst hurt I’ve ever felt is when Johnny is hurting.
22. I-type responds: Yeah, you might as well just chop off my head–but focusing on it doesn’t make anything any better!

23. E-type says: The chickens will come home to roost if we ignore this problem.
24. I-type responds: No doubt. We’ve got to try doing something different. What should we do first?

Tragically, when “old” talk tools are used, the couple as parents will end up fighting to a standoff…and nothing new would happen to help Johnny.

What did we just demonstrate together in the example above? You talk INtelligently IN the language or I-type lingo of ideas. You use the talk mode of Beliefs (B1) to discuss what you believe, facts and plans of action that the Instigator typically relies on to get great results. In short, you use your own strengths and those of your co-communicator to get a difficult job done right for a change.

So please hear this: You are not a pain in the neck, dear Empathizer reader, BUT a joy in the brain! Always remember that your Emotional I.Q. is through the roof and everyone respects it! Do you believe it and see IT?

Or are you too busy giving yourself a verbal spanking…or lashing yourself 1,000 times with a wet noodle? The choice is yours…and your mood depends upon what you choose to think about you NOW.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a firm specializing in interactive teaching of change management and communication skills tools. Dennis hails from Dayton, Ohio, and is the author of TALK TO ME

If You Judge a Person By What They Do…Will You Ever Really Get to Know Them?
What you SAY to yourself is more important at times than what you DO. Good communication tools include talking sense to yourself when your head spins around about what you should/shouldn’t do or when you feel knocked senseless by stress.

What’s UP: Today’s featured communication tool is used when YOU might be your own worst enemy by making a choice now that won’t play out well in your future.

Partying Talks

Imagine you are having a talk with yourself about whether or not you should do something that will “feel good” in the short term but cause you regrets in the longer haul. This includes misusing alcohol or drugs, sex, affairs, quitting a job, ending a relationship and so on.

You are worrying but also inclined to say “what the heck…I’ll just do it!” This may be a good time for CommTool #2: “Is this good for me?”

Here we go…you hear yourself or friends saying:

It’s going to be a good time. You don’t want to miss out. We work so hard and rarely get a time to really cut loose. You deserve a break now and then. We’re just chillin’….(drinking/smoking/sexing/etc.) doing it on a casual basis. You’re just using socially–you don’t have a problem with drugs or alcohol. Everyone is doing it. You can stop using at any time. Go ahead and do it just this once! We’ll have a good time!

YOUR INNER-TALK RESPONSE: “Is this good for me?!”

When you throw caution to the wind by saying “Ah, I’ll go ahead and do it…I don’t have to think SO much about it!” try saying: “Is this good for me? I can do anything I want to BUT is this good for me??!”

Maybe something different might happen…you will stop and think and make a more thoughtful decision. After all, the goal here is to make best use of your creative talents. Disallow anyone from wearing your down with their interrogative talk techniques meant to control you and y/our response.

One last time: “Is this good for me? Is this a good source of positive energy for me? IF I can do anything I want to is this good for me?!”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of TALK TO ME and New Insights Communication consulting psychologist.

In a landmark 2005 New Insights Communication study, I tested and interviewed 160 individuals from all walks of life to determine their communicator style. I found that 40% of all communicators are Empathizers (E-types), while 60% of all communicators are Instigators (I-types).

You can find out your communicator type easily by “Taking the Test” on this site. Understanding your communicator type makes effective communication simple, and miscommunication far more uncommon.

Furthermore, a provocative finding was that men and women are about equally divided or represented between the two groups. Thus, men are more sensitive as co-communicators about half of the time, while women are more insensitive as co-communicators half of the time. Talk about a talk turn-around on the two-way communication highway!

There is a good chance too that your partner or co-communicator at home or at work, might just be your opposite communicator type. No worries, mate. This doesn’t become a problem unless you don’t know who you’re talking to.

When you are experiencing an ongoing difficulty or conflict with a talk partner, there is a very good chance that the “difficult” person is your opposite communicator type. Now that you know your type, go back down the list of opposing traits in my article “Are You a Sensitive or Insensitive Communicator?” and guess what type of communicator your life partner happens to be.

For years, well-meaning relationship pundits have falsely proclaimed (there, I’ve said it!) that men and women are destined to be at odds forever because they use completely different (and semi-incomprehensible) talk languages with one another.

What a bunch of hooey…and I can prove it! Using gender as the reason for poor communication, in my opinion, is a mealy-mouthed excuse that pummels the planet of communication like a meteorite storm, sending all good men and women scurrying for shelter when instead they should be searching for better communication tools.

Tools, I can offer!

Two New Communicator Types: The Empathizers and Instigators

I have discovered two brand new communicator types. You are either an Empathizer communicator (E-type) or an Instigator communicator (I-type).

These communicator styles have nothing to do with your gender, background, age, race, stress coping style, introversion/extroversion personality and the like. The type of communicator you are makes a world of difference in the real world of positive vs. negative communication. You can avoid many divisions and collisions when you understand your talk type and your opposing communicator’s type.

So let’s talk! Are you ready to take a quick test to determine your heretofore hidden communicator type? In the future, would you skillfully like to steer around talk collisions, hard feelings, misunderstandings and relationship power plays between the sexes? Fine, just honestly answer this single simple question:

Are you more sensitive or insensitive? Yes, I tend to be…

If you answered, “Yes, I tend to be a sensitive communicator” to the question above, then chances are you are an Empathizer (E-type) communicator.

If you answered, “Yes, I tend to be more insensitive when it comes to communication,” then chances are you are an Instigator (I-type) communicator.

It matters not if you are a boy or a girl, rich or poor, young or elder. This isn’t some gimmick. I promise you that knowing the type of communicator you are will make a world of difference in helping you get along with anyone through effective communication. Make no mistake about it: You will avoid many feuds and fights when you use this easy-to-learn new theory.