Posts in category: TYPE TALK

How do you motivate someone without demotivating them? Do you ever worry about that communication factor? Whether that person is a coworker, subordinate, teenager, or spouse? Is motivation an inside job of self-perspiration or something that is inspired from other preparation?

THE INSTIGATOR VS. EMPATHIZER OR CAT VS. DOG CLASH

Using the TALK2ME system, although there will be a natural tension that exists between opposites, you will have the agility and ability to avoid communication crashes on Talk Highway. How so?  By understanding how Empathizer and Instigator communicators are motivated and demotivated in different ways.  Did you know that Empathizers worry too much, for example, while Instigators worry too little? Of course you did!

Another common example: Instigator-type (I-type) communicators are hard driving, hard of hearing, hardheaded, hardly moved by criticism, and hard at work trying to catch the brass ring. Empathizer-type (E-type) co-communicators say, “I feel like a failure because I’m not doing what the I-type wants me to do,” or “I’m not doing enough to make him happy.”

This clash can lead to demotivation for E-types and frustration for I-types.

THE INSTIGATOR VIEW OF MOTIVATION

Try to focus on how Instigators think you ought to drive down Motivation Highway. I put the question to an accomplishment-focused, I-type male with 25 years of experience in the world of work…

To get on down the Motivation Highway, a person must…

1. Be goal oriented

2. Have the confidence to achieve those goals

3. Understand the importance and rewards of
Hard Work
Self-Discipline
Teamwork
Friendship

4. Not allow the fear of failure to overcome your desire to succeed

5. Keep you nose to the grindstone – don’t quit because it’s hard

6. Be accountable

HEAD MOTIVATION VS. HEART MOTIVATION

In short, Instigators are motivated from their heads while Empathizers are motivated from their hearts. To get the job done, I-types don’t mind stepping on toes. But the blue suede shoes of Empathizers can get so scuffed up and their toes so squashed that their motivation and output decline under the weight of a bad mood.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO OBTAIN BETTER RESULTS?

Use the motivational strategy of your opposite communicator type when you feel good results are stymied.

When you use TALK2ME©, you will spontaneously generate actions that put the rubber to the road on Talk Highway and leave no one standing on the curb, downcast.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, Psy.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Communication Expert and Developer of the TALK2ME Communication Roadmap. Dr. O’Grady provides individual and relationship coaching and counseling.  Talk with Dennis at 937-428-0724.

DR. PHIL – INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR?

An HR person, learning the TALK2ME leadership communication system, had this to say about Dr. Phil, whom I admire a great deal…

Dr. Phil is an Instigator. He is a terrible Empathizer. When he plays the Empathizer role, he appears very uncomfortable. If Dr. Phil knew he was an Instigator communicator, it would bother him greatly. He enjoys helping others by lashing into them with the cold hard truth…square between the eyes. He loves to debate with his words, not with his actions or ears. He is always right and seldom lets the person get away with negatalking. To him, this interaction is not a personality contest. In fact, he could care less if you walk away hating him, so long as he was able to convince you to change.

I wrote back to HR…

I had never thought about whether or not Dr. Phil is an Instigator. But your pithy analysis is right on. Why would it bother Dr. Phil if he knew he was a tough charging Instigator? Did you mean to say that it would not bother him?

Back came this reply…

Dr. O –

You had it correct the first time. If Dr. Phil learned that he was an Instigator, it would not serve him well. Let me explain.

In the business world, we all have a role to play, one in which we would like others to see us. That role then helps our careers.

For Dr. Phil, his fame and fortune depend on his ability to make others believe that he is relationship-focused, caring, nurturing, understanding, an expert listener, doesn’t rush to judgment, and considers all angles before telling someone what to do.

The characteristics I described above are not Dr. Phil. They are those traits of a positive Empathizer (E-type) communicator. Now, true, either type can come off positive or negative depending on the situation.

Think about it then tell me what would happen to Dr. Phil’s career if he or his program participants learned that the real Dr. Phil is all about fame and fortune. The reality is that he is a hard driver, about winning and losing, not how you play the game. He is insensitive to others’ feelings; he is inflexible and unrelentless; he will sell out a relationship if he believes that is what it takes to achieve the desired results; he thinks Empathizers are touchy-feely, soft babies…too sensitive, too emotional, too relationship-focused…who will follow others just for the sake of following.

Dr. Phil is all about whether he can “change them or not on national TV,” which, of course, will increase TV ratings.

The reality is that, as his primary goal, he is not in this business to help others. His primary goal is to win — helping others is secondary. If I knew that about him, I would question whether or not I could trust him.

You dig, Dennis?  Or am I way off base?

Now I was getting a little queasy with these hard-hitting observations from a fellow Instigator about his Instigator pal, Dr. Phil. Please don’t get the wrong idea. I admire Dr. Phil very much, and he is a fellow psychologist. He understands that 82% of all communication involves the silent conversations and instructions that we carry on with ourselves. And I can hardly imagine doing what he does while cameras are recording his every move! He truly makes “common sense psychology” and “positive relationship communication tools” come alive for us all.

My response…

Remarkably on point. That’s a view which shows you have a deep understanding of negative v. positive I-type motivations. And Dr. Phil has definitely adopted the positive E-type traits that will really connect with an audience…and the audiences are probably a majority of Empathizers. Enjoy your day….

The startling comeback…

Difference between Dr. Phil-Instigator positive and Dr. O’Grady-Empathizer positive:

Dr. Phil’s approach to helping others is making them feel uncomfortable about their actions in the hopes of driving change, at his pace.

Dr. O’Grady’s approach to helping others is accepting them as they are and making them feel comfortable about who they are, while helping them overcome their fears and issues at their pace.

Dr. P often uses negative reinforcement to point out one’s flaws

Dr. O often uses positive reinforcement so people are comfortable with their fears, giving them the ability to point out their own flaws, in time.

Dr. P (I+) is driven by results, success, being the center of attention, bragging and taking credit for his actions, winning, always being right, forcing people to change their ways in the hopes of driving change quickly. From this, he makes a bunch of money.

Dr. O (E+) is driven by helping others in need, behind the scenes, giving credit where credit is due, and serving his community to the best of his abilities. From this, he makes a reasonable amount of money.

LIKE TO KNOW YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE?

Takes just a minute to fill out the NICI and receive a free report of your communicator type… http://www.drogrady.com/type.php

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a family business communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio.

YOUR WORDS COUNT FOR MORE IN E-MAIL FORM…

Do you know why your “dead words” on a computer screen are still coming through bold and alive? Below is an example of giving clear positive feedback through email.  After 3 coaching sessions with me, Joseph had this to say…

I feel a lot more confident now that I’ve been using the TALK2ME system. In the past, I didn’t get the best results from my team’s projects. People used to perceive me as a tyrant, but now, I’m perceived as caring and open to solution ideas. I’m sending the message, “I’m truly concerned about how you are doing.”

My team used to feel threatened with the requirements of their jobs and how they thought I would dictate or react to the way they approached their assignments. I’m noticing a huge positive impact that’s come about by my understanding of how Empathizer and Instigator personality traits differ. As a work environment, it’s a whole lot more positive…and it hasn’t taken much time to get results.

Joseph—US Operations & Logistics

This is a good example of including everyone in the act of good communication.

About Dayton Clinical Psychologist Dennis O’Grady

Dennis E. O’Grady, PsyD, uses the TALK2ME system to better your communication results everywhere you go.  Call Dennis for training or relationship coaching at (937) 428-0724.

ARE YOU DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF INTOXICATING EMOTIONS? A BAD MOOD DOOMS…

Are you driving while under the influence of intoxicating emotions? Instigator-type (I-types) communicators’ #1 suggestion to improve communication with their more sensitive Empathizer (E-types) pals is, “Don’t take things so personally!” E-types rapidly respond, “But how am I supposed to do that when I am moody and my anxiety is raging like a storm because I can’t read your mind and don’t know where you’re coming from?” When relationship bridges are broken and misunderstanding occurs, how do you avoid acting out emotional delusions that disrupt good talk? By using the Talk2Me© relationship communication system.

STICK TO THE FACTS OF REALITY SO YOU DON’T TAKE THINGS SO PERSONALLY….

Do you drive under the influence of intoxicating emotions? Empathizers are prone to feeling rejected, slighted, not being appreciated, not feeling important, and feeling offended by Instigators who don’t take things personally enough. How can too sensitive E-types put their logic over feelings like too insensitive I-types do? By obeying these stop signs:

1. DON’T LET YOUR ANXIETY DEFINE REALITY. Acknowledge that emotions aren’t facts, and misinterpretations abound when people are anxious.

2. DON’T LET GO OF FACTS. Stick to the focus on facts that pertain to the person with whom you are communicating.

3. DON’T LET GO OF REALITY. Your talk partner is probably overwhelmed with too much on his/her plate. In fact, I-types are grief avoiders while E-types are grief embracers.

4. DON’T FORGET WHAT YOU KNOW. You know Instigators don’t like to talk when they feel vulnerable or hit with grief. In contrast, E-types are grief experts.

5. DON’T PRESSURE. Pushing an Instigator to hear or agree with your viewpoint will make these genuine souls run away from you like a chicken from a fox.

6. DON’T ESCALATE. Being combative, going over the person’s head, pointing out unfinished grief business, or talking to a third party throws salt into an open wound. Talk triangles of any kind are not constructive.

7. DON’T DROP BUILT BOMBS. Empathizers need to learn to flush away their mental crap and be their own best friends by staying true to their strengths. E-types light the way, while I-types lead the way lighted.

8. DON’T BE OVERWHELMED. “It’s not my stuff.…” is the logical way to deal with confusing mixed messages.

9. DON’T PUSH AND PROD. I-types can be very frustrating to E-types, who are too prone to feeling hurt when miscommunication occurs.

10. DON’T FEEL UNIMPORTANT. E-types need to own how important their input, energy, solutions, and change-abilities are.

11. DON’T LET THE UNKNOWN THROW YOU. Anxiety is rarely useful since fear is so often false evidence appearing real. You have no-thing to fear.

E-types criticize I-types for not being able to talk productively about emotions, so avoidance and procrastination are in the driver’s seat of the relationship.

DON’T ALLOW YOUR FEELINGS TO RUN YOUR LIFE SHOW

My dear E-types — don’t allow your feelings to run your life show, and don’t take on the disowned emotions of those I-types you love and who are struggling with grief and other tough-to-deal-with emotions. Opposite communicators can find ways to meet in the middle. Why stay in a pit of despair by yourself? Know what bugs your opposite communicator type! If you’re an Instigator, you can benefit from sensitivity training. In reverse, Empathizers benefit from insensitivity training and learning how to put their logical thinking over intense feelings.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the pioneer of the Talk2Me© positive and effective communication system and a communication expert and coach.

Can you describe, in just one word, what makes you the powerful positive communicator you are? Hey, now, give it a shot…. What one word streaks across the blue and orange sky of your balanced communicator mind…?

BETTER COMMUNICATION LEADS TO PROVEN PROFITABILITY

I was energized and gratified to be with the Parts Express leadership team presenting Module 3 of the TALK2ME© Communication Roadmap series. I appreciate the president and head honcho, Jeff, very much, because he is open-minded and realizes that growing the success of his leadership team sets Parts Express up for continuing success! (Here’s a chance to review my CliffNotes of The Communication Orchard http://www.drogrady.com/?p=550)

In one interactively customized TALK2ME Exercise, the equal number of Empathizer and Instigator leader participants answered, in one word, what each believed makes a powerful positive communicator. This think tank’s top pick? The group resoundingly voted for the importance of LISTENING AND BEING APPROACH-ABLE.

ACTIVATING INNER STRENGTHS

Are you activating the inner strengths of the balanced communicator?  I know you are. Keep up the good work!

▪ INSTIGATORS — OR I-TYPES — SAY THAT WHAT MAKES A POWERFUL POSITIVE COMMUNICATOR IS…

1. LISTENING

2. HONESTY

3. COURAGE

4. APPROACHABLE

5. OPEN-MINDED

▪ EMPATHIZERS — OR E-TYPES — SAY THAT WHAT MAKES A POWERFUL POSITIVE COMMUNICATOR IS…

6. A SMILE

7. GIVE TIME

8. EMPATHY

9. CONTROL OF EMOTIONS

10. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND

What a great list of values to be in the driver’s seat of your communication life. (If you would like to uncover and discover your communicator type for free, visit http://www.drogrady.com/type.php

POWERFUL LISTENING

All the participants voted for “listening and being approach-able” as the calling cards of a positive communicator. Are you electing to be a positive communicator today, no matter what mood you find yourself in?

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, Psy.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communication expert and developer of the TALK2ME Communication Roadmap. You, too, can profit from better communication!  Talk with Dennis at 937-428-0724.