Posts in category: TYPE TALK

PREJUDICE UNDERCUTS PROFITS

What prejudices do you hold about your opposite communicator type? What are “hot buttons” that can set off explosions between the two of you? Whether it’s a person at work or your partner at home…what makes it so hard for the two of you to “just talk?” Here’s what drives Empathizers up the wall about their Instigator pals, be they boys or girls. Please notice that using “They” or “They’re” widens the communicator spark gap or widens the distance between co-communicators that has difficulty being bridged. The Talk To Me© system opens up closed-off communication avenues through using miracle-making Communication Table tools. If you want to delete all those difficult people in your life, consider what a recent training group had to say about what bugs and bothers them about people who alternatively are too sensitive or too thick skinned.

WHY YOU BOTHER ME, BOY

Why Instigators (or I-Types) Bother Me, An Empathizer: (If you are unsure about your communicator type, you can take the test to find out, privately and for free, at www.drogrady.com.)

THEY’RE…

They’re always right.
They’re pushy.
They don’t listen.
They confuse opinion with fact.
They’re critical.
They’re insensitive.
They’re always on task.
They’re rash.
They’re quick to judge.
Their reality is the only reality.
They do not understand the impact of their words or actions.

WHY YOU BOTHER ME, GIRL

Why Empathizers (or E-Types) Bother Me, An Instigator: (If you are unsure about your communicator type, you can take the test to find out, privately and for free, at www.drogrady.com.)

THEY…

They are slow thinkers.
They worry too much.
They’re overly sensitive.
They want to please everyone.
They’re perfectionists.
They’re too emotional.
They’re too demanding.
They’re too passive.
They’re too indecisive.
They’re too literal.
They avoid conflict.
They’re too agreeable.
They repeat themselves too much.
They rehash history and bring up old news.
They’re illogical.

ARE YOU NICE OR DO YOU ICE PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE WITH YOU OR WHO ARE DIFFERENT?

Do these “They…” sayings, or negatalking, sound a little too familiar to you? Be a conscious communicator who has an open mind to getting along better with others. Don’t fall prey to prejudices about people who are ignorant. Why walk through a minefield of misunderstanding, uncertain where the next land mines are located, because you’re not using the Talk2Me© system? You know in your heart that you secretly admire your opposite communicator type. And I’m all ears ….

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the new Talk Doc in town, a corporate consultant, team trainer, and the insightful, original developer and researcher of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. T2Me has been successfully implemented in multi-generational family companies and couples communication training.

GOOD GRIEF: OUT OF THE ASHES OF GRIEF SPRINGS NEW GROWTH

Do you dwell on the past? Do you stew and brood and chew over things that took place decades ago? Emotional men and women, or Empathizer (E-type) communicators, beat and kill a dead horse 10 times over. In fact, E-types are criticized for being so anxious that they repeat their negative talking points. On the other hand, logical I-types become anxious standing around dead horses and want to avoid the whole scene altogether. Thus, I-types are criticized for not talking openly enough about their emotions.

YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM DRINK

Both stressed Empathizers and Instigators act like a stubborn horse that you can lead to water but you can’t make him drink. Put them together and what have you got? No or poor communication and widening communication gaps. Here’s how one Instigator husband spoke of his Empathizer wife:

My wife nags me about how little we’ve talked over the years. “We’ve got to talk about it….” makes my skin crawl. Why can’t she just get over it? Why can’t she let go and get past the past? I can’t do anything about the past. It’s over, and all we can do is learn from our mistakes. I believe the present is a present to unwrap. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything, which I know only makes the distance greater.

GRIEF WORK: DO YOU SHUT OUT PEOPLE OR BUILD BRIDGES OF TRUST?

Most communication breakdowns are due to a misunderstanding of communicator type. Time Zones and grief tones are handled oppositely by Empathizers vs. Instigators. Which one are you and how to tell? (After all, both E- and I-types often get into communication ruts and fail to live in the present.)

GOOD GRIEF CHARLIE BROWN…

If you live in the Empathizer Time Zone…

1. E-types live in a past COMFORT ZONE.

2. E-types can’t easily drop what they’re FEELING.

3. E-types see the PAST as a half empty glass.

4. E-types will back off from using the wisdom of their own GOOD IDEAS.

5. E-types resolve present-day PROBLEMS by analyzing the past.

6. E-types don’t easily ENJOY THE SELF in the here and now.

7. E-types FOCUS ON WHY BAD things happen to good people.

8. E-types FEAR THE FUTURE – “When is the other shoe going to drop?”

9. E-types stew and chew on things to AVOID GRIEF WORK.

And that’s why I-types experience E-types as obsessive about a past that cannot be changed and about their being too grief-embracing.

GRIEF IS THE GUNK IN THE GEARS OF YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR

I-types remember the past but won’t rehash it. If you live in the Instigator (I-type) Time Zone…

1. I-types’ COMFORT ZONE is to live in the future.

2. I-types can’t easily let go of what they’re BELIEVING.

3. I-types see the FUTURE as a half full glass.

4. I-types will back off using the wisdom of their own BAD FEELINGS.

5. I-types resolve present-day PROBLEMS by strategizing about the future.

6. I-types don’t easily ENJOY THE RELATIONSHIP in the here and now.

7. I-types FOCUS ON WHY GOOD things should happen to good people.

8. I-types FEAR THE PAST – “Why stay stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels?”

9. I-types stay busy and juggle multiple full plates to AVOID GRIEF WORK.

And that’s why E-types experience I-types as being pushy, always pushing hard to be right when feelings run on high.

TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS AND INTENTIONS IN THE TALK 2 ME SYSTEM

A frequent complaint of distressed couples is: “Why can’t you just let go of the past? Why can’t you get over it and move on?” Here’s what I recommend thinking or saying to break that dead end talking pattern…

I’M FEELING… BECAUSE MY INTENT IS….

Examples: I’m FEELING frustrated BECAUSE MY INTENT IS for us to feel close. Or, I’m FEELING worried BECAUSE MY INTENT is to have a secure job, and they’re talking cutbacks at work.”

Couples-in-trouble have too many conversations from the head instead of from the heart, so why not talk from the heart-mind….

OUT OF THE ASHES OF GRIEF SPRINGS NEW GROWTH …

Get past the past. Don’t get so wrapped up in the past that you can’t enjoy yourself today. Grief in relationships is the gunk in the gears that makes shifting difficult in your communicator car. Whatever your type, the past is gone and the future is not yet here. Arguing whether it is noble to live in the past (as E-types do), or quickly get on down the road to live in the future (as I-types do), keeps you away from mining the gold of grief in your present relationship day.

WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton communications psychologist and relationship communications coach. Dennis wears two hats, one of corporate trainer in leadership communication skills, and the other as a couple communications expert.  The Talk2Me system bridges communications gaps and helps resolve family conflicts.  Dr. O’Grady’s mission is to give you tools to use to improve the quality of your life. Dennis is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.

FIRST NAME FEEDBACK IN 10 SECONDS OR LESS

Some road conditions or talk barriers really turn off Instigator-type (I-type) communicators. If you want the I-type to talk with you instead of lecture you, steer clear of emotions, which are a big roadblock or barrier to good communication, in the I-type viewpoint. Unless you want your communicator car to slide off Talk Highway into a ditch, it’s best to drive around revved-up emotional roadblocks.

STOP: FEEBACK BARRIERS, INSTIGATOR-STYLE

Following are barriers to effective communication, often cited by real-life I-types in Talk2Me seminars I’ve conducted:

1. EMOTIONS. Sad emotions or tears really throw off I-types who feel uncomfortable watching anyone fall into an Abyss of Grief.

2. TALK TOO MUCH. Repeating a great point you’ve already made is like stuffing cotton into the ears of I-types. I-types want a discussion to be to-the-point, using as few words as possible. The more words they hear, the more anxious they become and the more they view their E-type talk partner as an airhead.

3. BEAT AROUND THE BUSH. E-types beat around the bush to give themselves time to radar-in on the good, bad, or ugly mood of I-type communicators, which makes I-types easily miffed and distractible…they want to get down to it!

4. ADD ONS. Adding on incidental issues, when involved in a specific problem-solving discussion, causes I-types to experience mental confusion and agitation.

5. FACTLESS. Feelings that talk louder than facts constitute irrationality in the I-type brain. Instigators prefer to logically dig down to strike gold and solve problems.

6. INACCURATE. I-types prefer black-and-white numbers and concise opinions. “Always” and “Never” are better than “Sometimes” and “Maybe.”

TALK ABOUT IT: AVOID…SARCASTIC REMARKS…ASSERTIVE

When you face a problem, created by running into a communication roadblock, and you need to yield, you have three choices from which to choose. First, you can AVOID talking about the challenge you now face. Second, you can react with off-the-cuff SARCASTIC REMARKS. Third, you can speak out in ASSERTIVE ways. The most effective response is one that solves problems and values people simultaneously.

Giving and receiving constructive feedback, based on Empathizer vs. Instigator communication styles, is as easy as remembering how each type accepts and receives discriminating judgments and evaluations.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the new Talk Doc in town, a corporate consultant, team trainer, and the insightful, original developer and researcher of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. T2Me has been successfully implemented in multi-generational family companies and couples communication training.

THERE ISN’T A ‘I’ IN TEAM, BUT THERE IS AN ‘I’ IN WIN

What gives the green light to constructive feedback when talking to your Instigator-type (I-type) co-communicators who can be thick-skinned, hardheaded, hard-handed and hard of hearing? If you prefer direct, no-nonsense feedback that drives the point home, then you’re likely an I-type as well. Do you flip on the cruise control when you order up your feedback – which is dictated by your talk type, by the way – like always ordering a steak rare vs. well done?

GO: CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK, INSTIGATOR-STYLE

How to give the green light of good feedback from the viewpoint of hard charging and hard core Instigator communicators:

1. BE DIRECT. Don’t beat around the bush but come right to the point and stick to it.

2. BE ACCURATE. “Show me the facts and be able to back them up with proof,” is the challenge of the I-type communicator.

3. BE TIMELY. As the project progresses, the I-type prefers to work out problems in a timely fashion and not compound troubles by avoiding a difficult discussion.

4. POLICY-DRIVEN. State the rules, premises, and precedents for why you did what you did. What can be done differently to achieve better results?

5. BE NON-EMOTIONAL. If you get overly emotional and show it, you lose. Put your trust in logic more than feelings. Getting mad and throwing a tantrum is costly and immature.

6. SLEEP ON IT. Take time to step away from an emotional decision. Nobody is perfect, and mistakes can be made without blowing up the glass bridge of trust.

Listening to hear is based on talk type, as well. For example, Empathizers like the volume country-soft, while Instigators like it rock-hard. Different strokes for different folks!

THE CHANGING WORLD OF COMMUNICATION

Half of everyone you work with and love in this changing world of ours are Instigator-type (I-types) communicators. I-types put facts over feelings; head in charge of heart; and they focus on benefits more than setbacks. I-types believe in reigning in the wild horses of irrational emotions. Emotions, in the I-type world, cause untold conflict, loss and suffering. Give feedback in the style your listener prefers, for a change!

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the new Talk Doc in town, a corporate consultant, team trainer, and the insightful, original developer and researcher of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. T2Me has been successfully implemented in multi-generational family companies and couples communication training.

DON’T ICE…BE NICE

What feedback barriers ice good communication? In the talk world of Empathizers, or E-types, what red lights turn off the delivery of useful feedback? Or, more specifically, what puts off or stops two-way communication lines from being open for these sensitive souls? What are the barriers or roadblocks that shut down the process of correcting a problem that can grow from a molehill into a mountain?

STOP: FEEDBACK BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION, EMPATHIZER-STYLE

Following are barriers to effective communication, often cited by real-life E-types in Talk2Me seminars I’ve conducted:

1. SHOW ME WHERE. If you say to an E-type, “Show me that what you’re saying is true,” then it is implied to an E-type that you think they are exaggerating or downright lying.

2. UNWILLING TO LISTEN. Staying with one viewpoint – no matter what – by being hardheaded and not listening to input, or by stonewalling and icing up, will definitely reinforce the wall between the I- and E-type communicators, slowing down or completely stalling talks.

3. SARCASM. Firing sarcastic comments, such as, “You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?”

4. ARGUES LOUDER. Talking louder…and arguing louder…and getting more confrontational…and raising the voice pitch…turns off Empathizers, pronto.

5. FINGER-POINTING. “Because the customer’s always right, that’s your problem!” points one finger at the E-type, while pointing four fingers back at you.

6. CHANGES THE FOCUS. It’s a turn-off to E-types when an I-type changes the subject focus of the conversation to something personal, deflecting reflective problem solving.

DO YOU RUN A YELLOW LIGHT?

Set your people up for success. Instead of rushing through a yellow or amber light, yield to your opposite communicator type for a change of scenery. I know…I know. Slowing down is hard to do when you feel time-compressed and goal-stressed. No matter, you can still tap on those brakes and take a deep breath, because you are a flexible and responsive communicator. You will get the best results if you talk in the language style of Empathizers when you are talking to E-types.

ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal. Dennis can be reached at (937) 428-0724.