Posts in category: TYPE TALK

CALM DOWN?

What gives the green light to constructive feedback when talking to your Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator cohort? If you’re an E-type, you prefer your feedback in a calm, non-confrontational tone. Empathizers are your workhorses. Treat them right and loyalty will be yours. Mistreat them? Remember that E-types have an elephant memory for mouse-sized hurts.

GO: CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK, EMPATHIZER-STYLE

How to give the green light of good feedback to your sensitive people or Empathizer communicators:

1. BE NON-CONFRONTATIONAL. You can make a point without being sarcastic, or without looking away or down your nose.

2. FOCUS ON HOW TO DO A TASK CORRECTLY. If you demonstrate how to correct a problem that’s causing trouble now, you’ll find that the process will work far better than pointing a finger of blame for past mistakes.

3. DON’T USE AN ERASER THE SIZE OF A TRUCK TO NULLIFY ALL THE GOOD THAT’S BEEN DONE. Communicate an invigorating mixture of positives and negatives at the same time, creating an effective, beneficial feedback experience.

4. USE A CALM TONE. Using a calm voice tone sends the message that your first intention is to solve problems instead of causing them to escalate.

5. BE A MENTOR AND A TEACHER. Give gold advice. Suggest simple solutions to fix thorny problems. Be a role model – exemplify what you expect others to do.

6. USE THE I WORD MORE THAN THE YOU WORD. “You’re not doing this and you’re not doing that….” fixates on your anger instead of on the actions which would resolve the problems.

CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK: GO, STOP, OR YIELD?

Constructive Feedback. Do you send a message to go – stop – or yield, when you’re interacting with others? Feedback in a minute or less is my loud horn blast for positive and effective communication. Hard to do, I know, but well worth the effort.

ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal. Dennis can be reached at (937) 428-0724.

EMOTIONS AREN’T THE ENEMY

Emotions rule? Emotions rule. That is to say, the outcome of many communication events is determined by how unruly emotions are allowed to rule. Did you know? Emotions are multiplied by a factor of five with E-types or Empathizer-type communicators. Ever heard yourself say to a sensitive soul, “Why can’t you just get over it and get past the past?!” Sound familiar? It’s an emotional hurdle E-types have difficulty jumping over in the Talk World of the Empathizer-type communicator. That’s why I say, “E’s put the motion in emotion, which can cause all sorts of commotion.”

EMOTIONS ARE MULTIPLIED BY FIVE WITH E-TYPES

“No sweat or strain, just keep focused on the brass ring!” would describe how Instigator (I-type) communicators handle their emotions. I-types mistrust emotions, because feelings can overrule logic, resulting in chaos, or so the I-type thinks. Instigators habitually downsize emotions. What Instigators feel about Empathizers’ emotions at work:

Personally, I don’t look back much except to feel fortunate. It does no good whatsoever to dwell on the past because you have no control over it. But you can’t sell that to emotional types. When Empathizers don’t feel well, no one around them is going to feel well. Emotions are multiplied by 5. Sorrow and joy are multiplied by 5. Amplifying the emotions and emotional flare-ups seem to be every day occurrences with E-types. I control a lot of my emotions.

Positive Instigators use a rational approach to emotional problem-solving. Negative Instigators get all emotional, too. Gunk (grief) in your communicator car engine buggers up the works.
I-TYPES HAVE LONG FUSES BUT RARELY IGNITE THEM

True, Instigators take rightful pride in controlling their emotions. I-types stay pretty even-tempered and calm and are levelheaded and even-keeled, unless you light their fuses. I-types have long fuses but rarely ignite them.

WHEN E-TYPES’ EMOTIONS ARE MULTIPLIED BY FIVE, YOU CAN EXPECT CONSEQUENCES:

1. Empathizers struggle to let go of resentments. When trust is broken, E-types have an elephant memory for mouse-sized hurts.

2. When E-types are flooded by emotions, they can’t change the radio station or turn down the volume in their heads.

3. E-types view I-types as coldly logical, cool, supreme commanders of rationality, in charge and in control when all the people around them are losing their heads.

4. Positive Instigators perceive negative E-types as being emotionally volatile, like walking through a minefield, ready to fly off the handle at any second.

5. When they are anxious, E-types repeat their basic message again and again, a bad habit which makes I-types duck out or stop talking altogether.

6. I-types don’t intentionally set E-types off, but it frequently happens. Then I-types think, “Do I have time to get into this right now? Not! I’m tired, and I have 12 other things on my mind, so it’s easier not to get into this now, because it’s a minefield of emotions….”

Are you talking and no one seems to be listening, my dear E-types? You don’t want to talk TO people — you want to talk WITH people. I recommend that emotional types adopt the good habits of their Instigator counterparts.

YOU DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE…YOU TALK WITH PEOPLE

You can work with your emotions instead of against them. Feelings are often unreal, and they depart as unexpectedly as they appeared. I-types trust and love logic. The Talk to Me© system holds the keys to ignite good communication and to remove the talk barriers of both E- and I-types.

How do I-types turn down the volume of their emotions?

I-types using PosiTalking tools…

…use a positive attitude: “I CAN control feelings and turn down the volume of runaway emotions.”

…believe: “Why dwell on the negative? It won’t do any good, so let’s move on!”

…don’t have time to ruminate about issues: “As far as I’m concerned, this is over.”

…set firm boundaries: “I’ve drawn the line, and you can’t cross it any more.”

…use deflection: “I’m not going to dwell on past memories or future worries which are not taking place right now.”

…string together rationality: “Is there anything you can do about this? Why worry about it, if you can’t control or change it? Forget about it because there’s nothing you can do about it.”

TO STAY WELL, DON’T DWELL

I respect rationality. The I-type comfort zone is in controlling emotions. To summarize, Instigators control their emotions to gain an edge, in order to accomplish more. “I stay well, because I don’t dwell!” is the I-type battle call. In contrast, emotional lows can restrict E-type output by as much as 50%.

DEFLATING FEELINGS HELPS YOU THINK MORE CLEARLY

Getting a handle on your feelings in advance, helps you to think more clearly, my esteemed E-types. “It helps you sleep at night,” said one of my I-type executives during a communications coaching session. Of course, on the flip side, I-types are often viewed as being cold, calculating, and aloof. Perhaps that’s the cost to E-types, of being so emotionally upset that you can’t be as effective and fact-driven as your counterpart….

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the Talk Doc in town, a corporate consultant, team trainer, and the insightful original developer and researcher of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. T2Me has been successfully implemented in a “top down” fashion in companies which know that communication is the best investment in the development of people skills, to guarantee positive results. Dennis is the president of the Dayton Psychological Association and is a clinical professor at the Wright State University of Professional Psychology. His “Talk Textbook” received The 2008 Axiom Business Book Award silver medal. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, is available at Amazon. Not much time to read? Quick reads on Dennis’s communication approach are available at no charge at www.drogrady.com.

WHY NOT TO TAKE THINGS SO PERSONALLY

Why must you take things so personally when there’s a communication glitch? Suppose there is no right or wrong solution, and you don’t have to sit back and say, “It’s all your fault!” or “It must be my fault.” Assigning fault affixes blame but ultimately fixes nothing. What works to solve tenacious problems at work or in your prized relationships, to help you understand both perspectives without fussing or fighting? Think about it: Two different angles eventually meet, if you don’t get into a ruckus and go careening off in different directions. Now whose fault is it?

THE 50% CO-RESPONSIBILITY RULE: SOLVING PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF CAUSING PROBLEMS

Digest the tenets of the Talk to Me© positive communication approach to solving problems when emotions are churning and mental wheels are spinning in a rut….

• It’s not a problem created by one person.
• It’s all about perspective.
• I need to help you understand my perspective.
• You need to help me understand your perspective.
• I need to comprehend the logic of your opinion.
• You need to appreciate my position on the situation.
• We look at things from different perspectives.
• Neither position is right or wrong.
• Empathizer and Instigator communicators look at things from opposite directions.
• Neither of us, as a person, is right or wrong…we simply are two people with a problem to correct.
• It’s not your problem or my problem.
• The blame game is lame and won’t give either of us a leg to stand on.
• Let’s remind each other that we’re both people with important opinions.
• We’re both stubborn.
• We’re going to disagree.
• It is what it is until it isn’t any longer.
• It doesn’t mean I respect or love you less.
• We come at it from two different angles which will eventually meet.
• Let’s each take half the fault and move on.
• We are each 50% co-responsible for the origin of the problem and for finding a solution.

Why dwell on what we’re doing — and which isn’t working — or how things used to be? A power struggle that rehashes the same old issues strains Empathizers and Instigators alike, making everyone feel hopeless and powerless.

THERE’S NO PRACTICAL VALUE IN ASSIGNING BLAME?

There’s no practical value in assigning blame. Nothing changes for the better; things stay the same or slowly get worse. (Think of the proverbial frog in the pot of water when the burner is turned on low.) Do you know what drives your opposite communicator type buggy?

I. Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are prone to assigning blame to the self for a relationship problem. E-types believe change begins with the self instead of residing in the relationship situation.

II. Instigator-type (I-type) communicators don’t characteristically assign blame or harbor grudges. I-types feel change begins with identifying a problem in the situation and finding the solution. I-types feel that focusing on relationship communication is a distraction.

As an E- or I-type communicator, are you taking 50% co-responsibility to help your opposite communicator understand your point of view? If not, why not?

LET ME HELP YOU UNDERSTAND MY PERSPECTIVE

Here’s how I back off to talk with myself during a dispute or confrontation:

O.K. Don’t push the panic button, Dennis. ‘Let me help you understand my perspective’ will be my responsibility. And give me a helping hand to understand your perspective. Problem solving occurs when you listen open-mindedly to the perspective of your fellow communicator. Recall the perspective of Riley, (my middle daughter) when many days’ travel later, she gazed upon the Grand Canyon. Perspective is everything. “Dad,” Riley said, “This would be great if the Grand Canyon were filled with water and we could go scuba diving together!” Whoa. What a different perspective that was! What part of the perspective is missing here?

LET’S STEP BACK WHEN IN A DISPUTE

A relationship communications client used this Million Dollar Talk Tool very successfully. As a business leader, he was crunched for time, but he made time to talk with his spouse. “Two different talk angles eventually meet!” he quipped.

We view things from different perspectives — her perspective and my perspective — and we need to understand the other’s perspective. There’s no right or wrong…it’s just different perspectives. Our conclusion was very good; we both walked away feeling great, and it’s been great ever since. Then you can work around it, a reminder while you’re in the middle of an argument — let’s step back; let me help you understand my perspective. Help me understand your perspective.

ARE YOU USED TO ACCEPTING THE BLAME FOR OTHERS’ PROBLEMS?

You’re a champion communicator! E-types are more emotional, and I-types are more logical. E-types like praise more than I-types do. Both Empathizers and Instigators want to solve problems, not cause problems. Two different views, discussed and understood, enrich us all.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS COACH DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the Talk Doc, providing leadership communication coaching and corporate training, using the results-driven Talk To Me© positive and effective communication system. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, recently won the Axiom Business Book Awards Silver medal. You can contact Dennis O’Grady at (937) 428-0724.

TALK IS CHEAP, BUT COMMUNICATION IS PRICELESS

Perfectionism kills. That’s why hearing tough feedback is hard on the ears! Do you drive yourself too hard to attain perfection? If a 10-foot pole vault jump would be superb, do you expect yourself to clear 12-feet and consider yourself a failure if you can only make it over the 11-foot mark? Pleasing super-perfectionistic people is akin to trying to walk up a slippery slope while wearing hard-soled dress shoes. Perfectionism is a disguise worn to camouflage strong emotions, so the perfect one can lead a double life. For example, if you believe you have to be perfect to feel in control, then you will resist hearing and utilizing tough feedback that could solve sticky problems, freeing you to act like there’s nothing wrong when there’s nothing going right. It’s a perfect set-up for suffering!

RUNNING INTO THE WALL OF PERFECTIONISM?

O.K. Nobody’s perfect. But have you ever run into a wall of defensive perfectionism, a wall that’s as hard as a concrete highway viaduct, when you’re trying to talk positively with your inner self or to talk turkey with others? Here’s how one of my esteemed Empathizer female trainees put it to me:

You’re right, Dr. O’Grady, that Empathizer communicators, sensitive types like me, can pile the pressure on our own shoulders by trying to be perfect…and then secretly resent it. It does take a psychic toll when I don’t hit the target on the first try! For example, I had been doing so well, and not feeling depressed at all. Then I caught a cold, and I began to feel down, thinking I have FAILED my mission to stay well. But the fact is (self-talking), I can take a day or so to heal and be right back at work very soon. I’ve stopped making sweeping statements like, “ALL my efforts are shot because I’m sick and have to slow down.” Slowing down doesn’t mean I have to come to a screeching halt…something I’ve learned while running marathons. I can keep moving forward!

Empathizers trained in the Talk to Me© system take setbacks, or self-described failures, far less personally than those who have not become familiar with the Talk to Me strategies and tools. Conversely, Instigators who are familiar with the system, listen more sensitively to feedback they might not want to hear, but when the feedback is implemented, it will work wonders for everyone involved.

HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF WHEN YOU MAKE MISTAKES?

Are you dying to be perfect? Your communicator type determines how you view your Self — when you make mistakes or cope with life setbacks, self-imposed or unintended — and what your Achilles Heel is:

I. Empathizer-type communicators. E-types may feel like failures when they hear realistic negative feedback. Negative thought: “I’m worthless.” E-types then blame themselves for failing, which makes incorporating helpful feedback difficult. Bottom line: Blaming Self for failing to be perfect can result in E-types’ becoming too risk-cautious.

II. Instigator-type communicators. I-types may feel like they’re not good enough when they hear accurate negative feedback. Negative feeling: “I’m inferior.” I-types then blame others (or the situation) for failing to succeed, which makes digesting helpful feedback dicey. Bottom line: Blaming others for failing to be perfect can result in I-types’ becoming too reckless.

Perfectionism is a killer, equally so in corporate or family life. Addressing the core issues of perfectionism help us all heal, learn, and grow. Extreme perfectionism is shared equally between E- and I-type communicators and is a leading cause of depression, lack of motivation, and anhedonia (not enjoying life).

DRIVING RULES FOR DELIVERING QUALITY FEEDBACK

So, what are some ground rules for talking sense to yourself when you feel like a big, fat failure (E-types) or like a lofty loser (I-type) who’s inferior and simply not good enough? Characteristics common to delivery of high quality feedback:

• Unbiased…no extremism…sweeping statements
• Direct approach…not shaming or blaming
• Corrective input…gushing, mushy positives not allowed
• Accurate…tells the truth…tough love
  
• Timely…sets a timeline to achieve different results
• Undefensive…superiority complex, hype and pontification, impression-making, grandstanding, tit-for-tat, and political power wars not allowed
• Reality-based…facts first; feelings last
• Change-driven…old dogs can learn new tricks when the master teaches

Perfectionism kills. It kills your chances for making positive changes that result in esprit de corp.

IT’S A GOOD DAY TO TALK…STUPID MISTAKES CAN MAKE US SMARTER

Are you willing to learn from your mistakes and move on while discovering what you need to know on the go? I bet you are!

“If he makes a mistake, he sees himself as a failure!” said a female I-type about her E-type partner. The E-type shot back, “It was a stupid mistake. I could have prevented it and saved myself and everyone else a whole lot of grief!”

Stupid mistakes can make us smarter, as long as we learn from them! If you cut across four lanes of talk traffic, you’re probably going to get into a wreck. And that’s exactly what happens when people get all emotionally riled up from chewing and stewing on constructive negative feedback.

CAN YOU GIVE UP THE EXHAUSTING TASK OF BEING PERFECT?

Is it possible to give up the exhausting and impossible task of being perfect? Yes, if you don’t try to accomplish the feat perfectly! For a change, try walking in the shoes of the communicator type that’s being critiqued. Here’s how Empathizers and Instigators alike may feel when coming to grips with shortfalls or mistakes. Can you relate?

1. RUNNING HEADLONG INTO A CONCRETE VIADUCT OF DEFENSIVENESS. A knee-jerk reaction for E-types is to become sad and quiet when mistakes are recognized. In contrast, I-types get mad and noisy when mistakes are discussed. For both E- and I-types it’s hard to just relax and reach out to talk. Thus, due to ignorance, E-type and I-type teams get steamed at their opposing team, shutting down problem-solving talks.

2. EARS STUFFED WITH COTTON. Half-listening not only won’t solve problems, but it also becomes a big problem itself. Why get so upset about “tough love” or “smart work” feedback which explains why your efforts aren’t working as well as you would like them to? Neither E-types or I-types need to stew in resentment or plan retaliation moves.

3. AVOIDING. An Empathizer who feels like a big, fat failure is likely to stop sharing ideas and sticking to him- or herself for any number of reasons: I’m feeling bad; I just want to isolate myself; I know I’m an odd duck, so let me alone; I’m feeling flat out of luck, so stay away before it rubs off on you. Net sum — Problem confrontation is avoided. An Instigator who feels like a zero loser is prone to shutting off two-way communication, striking out on new friendships because of feeling shame, pushing ideas down closed throats, or blowing up trusting bridges of communication. Net sum — Problem awareness is avoided. Either way, we all lose.

4. THE REAL COST OF THE UNREAL PERFECT PERSON IMAGE. Why push away honest feedback? By learning quickly from mistakes, you solve pesky problems before they can multiply. Perfectionistic E-types will stay down too long after a failure and become risk-adverse. Perfectionistic I-types won’t stay down long enough following a losing streak and become change-compulsive. Thus, both E- and I-types hide their weaknesses, slipping under the radar. And, since big problems aren’t their gig, self-prescribed failures come out of the blue to hunt them down and haunt their lives.

It’s easy to be driven to distraction by perfectionism! Understanding your communicator type will better help you come to grips with your own personal shortfalls as a communicator, so you can improve as a person a little bit every day.

TALK IS CHEAP, BUT COMMUNICATION IS PRICELESS

Talk is cheap but communication is priceless! Why does it matter how you handle your mistakes and shortcomings and the shortfalls of others? In every relationship, from the kitchen to the boardroom, all problem-solving change depends upon learning quickly from quality feedback that seeks to renew your life.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the researcher and developer of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. Dennis is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer, organizational keynote speaker, and the current president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association.

NOBODY’S PERFECT

I’m not perfect
Nobody’s perfect
I’m only human
You’re only human, too

I make mistakes
I admit to my mistakes
I learn from my mistakes
I’m not good at everything
But I am good at some things

There’s not a perfect person
There’s not a perfect family
There’s not a perfect job or school
There’s not a perfect anything…
But some things come close to being perfect

SO…I don’t pretend to be something I’m not
I am the solver of problems, not the causer of problems
I have the courage to change
I do something different when what I’m doing isn’t working
I am not afraid to fail because that’s how I learn new solutions

Life isn’t perfect…AND
I’m not perfect
You’re not perfect…
And that’s got to somehow be perfectly OK

©2008 Dennis E. O’Grady

THE TALKOLOGIST

What’s so dreadful about being ordinary? What is ordinary? Isn’t ordinary to one person, perfection to another, and yet a failure to someone else?

I wrote “Nobody’s Perfect” to encourage all of us be brave and have the courage to change, against all odds and barriers we encounter on our journey through life. Can we teach our teens, our fellow parents, and friends and associates to release ourselves from the prison of perfectionism? Of course, no one knows the answer to that question, unless new solutions to old problems are taken for a test spin. The Talk to Me© system will get you out of the box in which you’re stuck, that’s feeling like a coffin.

Empathizers (E-types) think they are failures when life isn’t working out perfectly for them, and their bowl of beautiful cherries turn out to be mostly pits that are chipping their teeth. In contrast, Instigators (I-types) feel inferior when lemons are being thrown at them, and making lemonade or opening up a lemonade stand seems unrealistic.

Whatever your communicator type, no longer should you think you have to be perfect in order to be liked or respected!

ABOUT LEADERSHIP COMMUNICATION TRAINING EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Get behind the wheel and take control of your communication and organizational skills with Dr. O’Grady’s executive coaching and professional training. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region psychologist who provides private therapy for couples and communications training for corporations. Dr. O’Grady’s forward-thinking, interpersonal communications system will help you get along with anyone, even the most difficult or annoying people in your life, to make you a better communicator. His communication system is the focus of his third book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, which is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.