Posts in category: TYPE TALK

How do you disarm loaded communication, that like a loaded gun in the hands of a novice, can unintentionally be triggered and go off and kill someone? So many communication mistakes that maim, are done unintentionally, but produce terrible consequences, nonetheless. But you knew that, I suppose. By knowing your talk type and the talk type of the receiver of your communications, you can effectively use your talk partner’s communication style to get the job done better and faster.

YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN IN TALK WORLD?

Should you complain about the President when you didn’t vote? Should you be allowed to complain when you have it so good? Can you relate to the “real life” situation below? Here’s what one Instigator manager told me recently:

As an I-type, I can put up a barrier and block out negatives. I find it easier to talk with somebody who isn’t constantly complaining. But my leading sales guy, Jack, is an emotionally driven E-type guy. He complains so much I stop listening. “Things are terrible…I’ve got all this work to do…Sales are down…There’s not a lot of work out there…The company needs to get it’s act together here….”

So I discarded the negativity with positive talking. I said, “Jack, how can business be so bad when you’re the #3 salesman in the company…you’re at 103% growth when 25% growth is considered great…AND your customers love you! Things can’t be all that bad when you’re doing so good in the company this year, Jack!” I didn’t inflate the facts, and Jack’s mood brightened as soon as he heard me state the facts.

I had a revelation of sorts…it just dawned on me. When you experience results like these after reading your book, a light bulb turns on. In the past, I would have said: “I can’t take it anymore, Jack, quit complaining. I’ve got to move on.” Coming back with positives instead of getting fed up with negatives worked far better for us both.

YOUR PERSONAL VIEW (E- VS. I-TYPE) OF HOW TO DELIVER QUALITY FEEDBACK?

How do you handle pessimistic complaining vs. delivering quality feedback? Walk away? Spend time you don’t have being sympathetic? Tell the person to quit complaining? Well, the answer depends on whether you’re an Empathizer or Instigator communicator. Here’s how to tell what your communicator type might be:

1. I stuff too much, but when I do complain, it’s because something which I feel unable to change needs to be corrected…by me. Yes or No?

If you said “Yes” this is the Empathizer-communicator view of being stuck in the middle of a bog of bad emotions.

2. I don’t complain much because who would listen, anyway? When I do complain, something needs to change in the situation or be corrected by the other person. Yes or No?

If you said “Yes” this is the Instigator-communicator view of disarming loaded communication.

So which type of communicator are you? And which type of communicator are you talking with?

WHY DO EMPATHIZERS COMPLAIN?

E-types can be their own worst critics and self-torturers. E-types who go to extremes are extremists who turn over every rock to look for slimy bugs, and walk into a deep pit and dig the hole even deeper. E-types have hearts and can get squirrelly when lost in the woods. What you need to know about E-types’ view of talking negatively (to self and to others), which forms the basis of their complaining style:

Why Empathizers complain–
E-types complain to…

Calm down

Lessen the pull of “future catastrophes” thinking

Feel grounded and better able to start solving problems

Find facts lost in the fog of their emotions

Air emotions in order to think clearly

Make excuses for why doing the new takes you out of your comfort zone

Seek comfort

Bump fear out of the driver’s seat

Avoid being seen as a ME-type

Stop feeling like the odd duck out when emotions are magnified and intensified

Demonstrate how they’re stewing and brooding and torturing themselves inside

The Talk News: E-types can put things under a microscope to study the problem in detail. And E-types have some of the great answers to fix things.

THE INSTIGATOR VIEW OF COMPLAINING

Why do Instigators complain? Well, from the I-types’ point of view, they don’t complain because they are bravely focused on passionately brainstorming current problems to solve so they can relegate them to the past. However, that’s not what sensitive E-types hear! But, hey, that’s why opposites attract and drive one another up a wall and back down again. “I’d give you a piece of my mind if I could afford to!” is the witty saying I use to bite my tongue when I need to. Better to say nothing, than to say something that will mess things up and be remembered for all eternity.

Why Instigators Complain….
I-types complain to…

Get fired up to take action

Address “this-is-now” problems that are shouting to be solved

Put the steel of their minds over mushy emotions

Stop stomping through the knee high mud of emotions

Turn the mud of emotions into a hardened concrete driveway

Take off from Limbo Airport and move along

Throw ideas up against the wall and throw down negative thinking

Prohibit themselves from making excuses about why change is too scary

Make others uncomfortable enough to change

Take control and be in charge by hopping in the driver’s seat and telling everyone to relax

Emphasize that they put unquestionable trust in themselves: “I trust myself when the heat is on. If it’s to be, it’s up to ME!”

Be reassured that they are central to a solution, by riding in the front of the team canoe

Demonstrate that whining isn’t winning

The Talk News: The wet cement or mud of emotions interferes with effectively brainstorming which problem-solving options are “reality best.” Just ask any I-type you know. I-types aren’t emotional dunces who are cold. They’ll deal with any emotions after the crisis has passed! In fact, hot emotions will be avoided over cool headed thinking by I-types. Talks around the Communicator Table aren’t effective when I-types’ reasoning is minimizing what it takes to fix what is wrong in reality.

Both styles naturally prefer their own way of doing things and what the complaining driving rules are. But these styles can inadvertently turn each other off without knowing it. The wall or fence, which is erected between these two relationship-leadership types of talkers, benefits no one.

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.

PATIENCE CAN BE A VIRTUE OR A VULTURE

Do you stubbornly and painstakingly stick to your narrow viewpoint of what is right or wrong because, “It’s my way or NO way!” or can you accurately see yourself through Empathizer eyes, filled with emotion and insight? Two viewpoints openly and respectfully shared make for better communication. Moreover, if you’re a tough-charging Instigator communicator, how can you see yourself through tenderhearted Empathizer eyes? By using the typecasting function in the Talk to Me© system, you WILL have your eyes and your mind opened wide, so you can find new avenues to help you get along better with those you respect and love.

MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED

One letter I received, from a blunt speaking Instigator mother (I-type) who hadn’t gotten along very well with her adult Empathizer daughter (E-type) for several years, said it so clearly:

My eyes have been opened, Dennis. I feel so much love for my adult daughter now. It’s like ESP…I understand her for a change. We can even talk normally about church issues, money, and political matters, too. It happened slowly but steadily. My adult daughter doesn’t cave in to me any longer, either. I’ve never been happier in my life than I am now. Thanks for sharing your communication system with me…us!

IMPROVING COMMUNICATION

Do you know whether your mother or father, sister or brother, are E- or I-types? How to tell:

Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are more prone to being non-directive…not pushy…smoothing over conflicts…seeing the solutions to vexing problems but keeping quiet as a mouse…prone to bravely letting feelings be trampled on, taking on uncomfortable changes, be they large or small.

Conversely, Instigator-type (I-type) communicators are more prone to being directive…pushing too hard to make a point…feeling enlivened by conflicts…able to be like a duck and fly through foul weather…decisively implement solutions to tough problems…prone to allowing cold logic and reasoning to overcome uncomfortable new emotions….lead the way down new change avenues.

Neither communicator style is better or worse, just different. You can learn to use the strengths of both types to the benefit of everyone.

PATIENCE CAN BE A VIRTUE OR A VULTURE

What are key E- and I-type differences when approaching problem solving? E-types feel nagged by a problem and brew about it. In opposite fashion, I-types can push a problem away and not stew about it. To every season, though, there is a reason to adopt the strengths of your opposite communicator style. That’s why I say patience can be a virtue (I-types) or a vulture (E-types).

ARE YOU A SENSITIVE EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR…OR AN INSENSITIVE INSTIGATOR TALKER?

If you are a sensitive communication partner, or Empathizer talker, you will stuff your feelings and back away from conflicts with Instigator talkers. Thus, Empathizers will answer yes to most of these questions:

• My partner doesn’t try to understand my viewpoint, by looking at things through my eyes….
• I can easily be over-talked or out-argued by my partner….
• I feel anxious and depressed because of our relationship….
• My partner is a selective listener….
• I feel like I’m constantly doing things to pacify my partner….
• My partner will pout or shoot daggers at me when told “No”….
• I have to suck it up and stuff things under the rug….
• Unresolved conflicts with my partner drain my energy….
• My partner sees things in narrowly-focused ways and rarely changes his or her mind….

Typically, Instigator communicators feel more comfortable convincing you that their selective viewpoints are correct. Ergo the muse: “It’s my way or no way!” with unnecessary conflict, consternation, and disagreement going on between the two differing types. But must men be from Mars and women from Venus?

WHAT YOU DON’T SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

If you can’t see the viewpoint of your co-communicator, then you are missing out on half the story of, “The Gratifying Life of Good Communication.” Why do Empathizer communicators back off from Instigator communicators so often, leaving them uneducated? Empathizer communicators should pipe up, because they have a crystal ball when it comes to fixing vexing relationship problems! However, these same E-types sustain relationship solidarity by sacrificing their own individual communication rights and responsibilities. Thus, what you don’t see (and don’t hear) is what you get in the way of good, or bad, results. Do you know what your talk partner isn’t telling you? Let’s hope so.

THE EMPATHIZER EXPERIENCE OF FLYING WITH BLIND INSTIGATORS

During confrontational times, Empathizers experience their Instigator talk partners as having sharp tongues, coercive conversational styles, intimidating personalities, and prone to throwing emotional daggers. Welcome to the Communicator Club, y’all. E-types’ complaints or criticisms of themselves:

1. E-TYPES ARE CONSTANTLY DOING THINGS TO PACIFY I-TYPES

The E-type feels as though the I-type talk partner must be constantly pacified if a conflict is to be avoided. Attitude: “Life’s too short for pouting and complaining…it can’t be that important.”

2. E-TYPES BEND THEMSELVES INTO HUMAN PRETZELS TO AVOID HAVING A CONFLICT WITH I-TYPES

Instead of standing strong and tall like an oak tree, the E-type bends like a willow. Passive pleasing or justifying can last for just so long before the top blows off the boiling pan. Avoiding conflict actually perpetuates conflicts and keeps problems from being resolved.

3. E-TYPES FEEL DEPRESSED FROM BITING THEIR TONGUES, WHEN THEY’D RATHER TALK BACK ASSERTIVELY TO THEIR I-TYPE CO-COMMUNICATORS

E-types bite holes in their tongues too often and incorrectly believe, “I have to suck it up and not say anything, which makes me feel really depressed about the way things are going in the relationship.”

4. E-TYPES FEEL SAD AND I-TYPES FEEL MAD IN A DISTRESSED RELATIONSHIP

Anxiety and energy drain is caused by distressed relationships. The E-type is prone to blaming the Self for relationship problems, while the I-type is prone to blaming the situation for the difficulty. Slow down when you’re driving in foggy emotional conditions on Talk Highway, so you can fully and accurately assess where the fog is originating and use new talk lanes to avoid crashing into the communicator car ahead.

5. E-TYPES’ ENERGY DIMS DURING NEVER-ENDING CONFLICT WITH I-TYPES

“The conflict is never going to stop,” one E-type told me. “My energy is dimming, and my spark is going out. Stuff repeatedly keeps being brought up and brought back into our home. Nothing’s solved, nothing changes.” E-types thrive in harmony and die in never-ending disputes.

6. E-TYPES CAN DRIVE AHEAD OF THEIR HEADLIGHTS WHEN I-TYPES ARE CONFRONTATIVE

E-types have a tough time hearing negative feedback, and they take it personally. I-types take criticisms on the chin with a grin. Both E- and I-types consider delivering quality feedback essential to skill improvement and task achievement. Change is possible and desirable with both types using the 50% co-responsibility rule for positive and effective communication.

7. E-TYPES ARE PREJUDICED THAT IT’S ALL ABOUT THE I-TYPE WORLD

“It’s all about her (or him)….” most Empathizers will tell you about Instigators during a talk crash. “Why can’t we just send them all to Empathizer island?” is an I-type sentiment during sensitive times. “It’s hard to keep in my head that it’s the problem or relationship strain that depresses me and makes me anxious,” savvy E- and I-types will tell you.

8. E-TYPES FEEL I-TYPES PROMISE THE MOON BUT DELIVER DIRT…WHILE I-TYPES BELIEVE E-TYPES DON’T DREAM BIG ENOUGH

Both E-types and I-types have a challenge when it comes to closeness. Trusting, liking a partner when angry, listening with an open mind, engaging in healthy conflict, are all communication essentials. Why not travel in awareness of your talk partners’ preferred driving style to help us all out?

MOST COMMUNICATION MISTAKES ARE DUE TO IGNORANCE

So many communication mistakes are made due to ignorance…ignorance of how to talk with your opposing talk type. Both E- and I-types in conflict can feel like they’re losing their minds, as in, “It makes me feel crazy….He — or she — makes no effort to change what’s broken….I’m just not understood.”

HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR EMPATHIZER TODAY? HAVE YOU BACKSLAPPED YOUR INSTIGATOR TODAY?

Have you hugged your Empathizer today? And have you backslapped your Instigator today? I-types, can you see yourself through the objective eyes of Empathizer communicators? E-types, can you see yourself through the subjective eyes of Instigator communicators?

YOU’RE IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION A LITTLE EVERY DAY

Sure, you are improving your communication a little every day. You aren’t interested in deflecting necessary conflict or using badgering communication to conversationally coerce a co-communicator from talking straight to you. Life’s not a little chess game with winners and losers, is it? Nah. You refuse to swim in an Olympic size pool of pity and ignorance.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATIONS COACH, CORPORATE TRAINER, AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the “Talk Doc” and president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association, as well as the developer of the TALK TO ME© positive and effective communication system. Why invest in a process that will improve your communication skills fast, in both personal and work relationships? Why waste time alienating people and prolonging the effort to reach a common goal, when you can use good communication strategies which pay extraordinary dividends! When you use the tools and strategies detailed in Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, you’ll find that it’s easy to keep your car in the center of Talk Highway, leaving the ditch to those communicators who play the lame Blame Game.

THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ALWAYS GETS THE GREASE?

Are you befuddled, traveling on a one-way talk avenue? Do you know when you’re in a relationship filled to the brim with confusing communication? Of course you do…you feel like you’re going nuts! And you probably have that gut-dropping feeling or head-spinning headache due to confusing talk…or maybe both at once? Whoa. Know this: Negatalkers, of any rank or color, set up orange barrels to direct you down dead-end talk avenues, just to rankle you. Energy impact: Empathizers will feel down and blue, while Instigators will feel impatient and frustrated. Let me be clear here: Most times no one’s to blame, since not understanding the talk preferences of your opposite communicator type is the origin of the miscommunication. Thus, mistakes are easy to make!

DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

“Different strokes for different folks” orients you to become a more effective communicator using the Talk to Me© system. Does one size shoe fit all? Of course not. That’s also true of our communication styles. Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators, and Instigator-type (I-type) communicators, walk in two very different styles and colors of shoes. When you don’t know communication preferences and communicator differences, you can slam into a brick wall, and you will see spinning stars circling all around your head. Each communicator style has its advantages and its disadvantages:

1. THE EMPATHIZER TALK STYLE: Results and comprehending empathy-filled solutions are strengths of Empathizers.

2. THE INSTIGATOR TALK STYLE: Energy and managing problem-solving steps are strengths of Instigators.

3. COMBINING E- AND I- STYLES: As a cooperative team, E-type and I-type drivers can move mountains to better locations while still improving the environment.

Your energy is boosted and your communication moves improve when you experience the benefits of both types’ strengths while avoiding their Achilles’ heels.

THE LIGHT BULB CAME ON!

The main benefit of the Talk To Me© system’s “light bulb came on” effect was recently touted by an I-type manager this way: “I can put up a barrier to block out negatives. I find it easier to talk to someone who isn’t constantly complaining. I had a revelation of sorts…it just dawned on me. After you implement the strategies in Talk To Me©…a light bulb comes on. In the past, I would have said: ‘I can’t take it anymore, just quit complaining. I’ve got to move on.’ Now I take time to listen and come back with positives. It works better for everyone.”

HOW E-TYPES FEEL AND HOW I-TYPES THINK ABOUT NOT LISTENING TO ONE ANOTHER

Empathizers prefer open, two-way talks which include everyone. Thus, E-types can be perceived as being wishy-washy. On the other hand, Instigators prefer narrow, one-way talks to get the job done. Thus, I-types can be perceived as being too pushy. Neither style is better or worse, although each style works better in certain situations. Each type can blame the personality of the difficult person when, in fact, the confusion at this four-way stop is due to communicator style.

THE SQUEAKY WHEEL GETS THE GREASE?

E-types complain that I-types don’t listen well. I-types complain that E-types don’t drive past their moods fast enough. Can you better understand the opposing view of your talk type? Of course you can…it’s a piece of cake. Contrived examples at home and work of confusing one-way talking that tick off Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators alike:

E-Type: You don’t listen to a word I say.
I-Type: I’m truly sorry for any pain I’ve caused you.

E-Type: You haven’t shown me any changes.
I-Type: Why isn’t this change thing a fifty-fifty deal?

E-Type: Since we can’t express opinions without it becoming an argument, I back off.
I-Type: I’m not arguing, but I am expressing what I believe in.

E-Type: You’re too worried about what others think.
I-Type: If you’re done complaining, tell me right now how to make things better. Are you done?

E-Type: Your actions speak louder than words.
I-Type: I don’t mean anything personal by what I said.

E-Type: You don’t help us out around here.
I-Type: It’s not that I’m too lazy to do what you want me to do, but why should I have to follow your rules?

E-Type: You’re hurtful.
I-Type: Sometimes, I do say things out of anger which I don’t mean.

E-Type: I take things very personally.
I-Type: We don’t accomplish anything by talking.

E-Type: You make me look like the bad guy and that it’s all my fault.
I-Type: We’re not accomplishing a damn thing here by being negative.

E-Type: Every time I speak up or confront you, all I get are a bunch of excuses.
I-Type: Sometimes you hurt the people closest to you. We can get past this.

E-Type: It’s all about you. You don’t care.
I-Type: You act like it’s all about me. But if I feel you’re not getting the job done, I’m going to tell you how I feel about it.

E-Type: If it’s not your way, it’s the highway!
I-Type: There you go again, driving your point home by going to extremes and exaggerating everything.

BEATING A DEAD HORSE

Do you sometimes feel like you’re beating a dead horse as you try to clear up confusing communications? That’s why Empathizers fall silent and stop giving you their best ideas! Do you realize that confusing communications stem from differing talk viewpoints…that don’t have to collide or crash and burn? Ironically, confusing communication makes you feel small, and makes the person you’re talking with seem big.

MAKING YOUR TALK PARTNER LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY OR GAL

“Who’s to blame for this failure to communicate?!” said a communications coaching client. For sure, miscommunication creates more talk torture and troubling times. Are you a confusing communicator? You are if you’ve heard yourself say, “I’m not trying to turn it back on you, or make you look like the bad guy. Not once have I said that I’m not at fault. You’re saying that I’m not listening to what you say, BUT I’m just not agreeing with you. I have my own opinions and my own views, and because it’s not the way you believe, you say that it should be, and that we’re beating a dead horse. There you go again, just being SO negative!” Finding fault doesn’t fix problems, but that rarely stops us from assigning it.

WHAT IF WHATEVER YOU SAY FALLS ON DEAF EARS?

Gobbledygook isn’t good communication, no matter what your talk type, my fellow talk travelers. When you feel like you’re beating a dead horse…perhaps you are!

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER, KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the “Talk Doc” and president of the Dayton Psychological Association, a relationship communications expert, corporate trainer, inspirational keynote speaker, and experienced couples and family counselor. For over 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and their families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book on positive and effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT TO CHANGE THE STATUS QUO

Have you been busy contemplating complaining? Me, too! Complaining, in Talk to Me© circles, is finding fault with others in order to cover your own backside, thereby avoiding the challenge of change. A negative talker’s complaining is also a shrewd way to threaten that, if you mess around with Ned the Negatalker, something bad’s going to happen.

Negative talking — complaining — is, in fact, the standard way Negatalkers beat a supervisor, parent, or other authority to the punch, to avoid the change required when corrective feedback is received. “The best defense is a good offense!” speaks to how distraction and deflection (the spinning top) keep problems from being solved while a ticking time bomb clicks off the minutes to detonation. To keep you off their trail, this strategy is successfully used by poor performers and people who don’t want to change the status quo.

CONTEMPLATING COMPLAINING BY COMMUNICATOR TYPE

“Smart as a fox!” is a good way to describe the expert Negatalking complainer. Why start a fire of conflict or add fuel to an unproductive dispute? Well, if you keep a bee hive stirred up, the beekeeper will be too busy to take a good look for whoever hit the hive with a long stick, before slithering off to hide in the shadows.

Who are the biggest complainers among us? Is it those sensitive Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) whose feelings are so easily hurt…or those “built tough to take it” Instigator-type communicators (I-types) who, like ducks, let the water roll off their backs? Well, that depends on your point of view, doesn’t it? Both talk types view, think of, and socially handle complaining quite differently.

EMPATHIZERS ARE THE GLUE THAT BINDS THE BOOK OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Here are a few pointers regarding E-types, to take into account before you elicit or give quality corrective feedback:

Empathizers’ Feedback Viewpoint…

E-types:

1. Have a long fuse and are too shy to complain impulsively or too loud.

2. Don’t quite believe their own complaints are legitimate.

3. Seek out group consensus to confirm their perceptions that something really is amiss.

4. Don’t like to order people around or tell them what they aren’t doing well.

5. Are too sensitive and caring about hurting people’s feelings, even with appropriate criticisms.

6. Will stuff their issues.

7. Intensely dislike stepping on toes…hurting people’s feelings…or seeing someone publicly embarrassed.

8. Have incredible intuitiveness, to sense what’s really going on behind the scenes.

9. Are glued to every critical word you utter.

10. Can hear just one criticism at a time.

11. Feel that criticisms penetrate their skin like porcupine quills.

12. Will deliberate about what they wish they’d said.

13. Won’t hastily counteract criticisms with their view of the truth.

14. Can quit or give up under the stress of intense or harsh criticizing.

15. Are slow to leave and slow to complain about legitimate issues that need to be addressed.

16. Are the glue that binds the book of effective communication.

INSTIGATORS ARE THE PAPER ON WHICH THE BOOK OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IS PRINTED

Here are a few pointers regarding I-types, to take into account before eliciting or giving quality corrective feedback:

Instigators’ Feedback Viewpoint…

I-types:

1. Have a short fuse and will boldly rush in where angels fear to tread.

2. Believe that the only purpose for complaining is to improve customer satisfaction.

3. Hate the feeling of helplessness which results when true negative feedback comes home to roost.

4. Complain to create change. It’s a waste of breath to complain about what you can’t control or change.

5. View constant complainers as whiners who drag their feet and refuse to take responsibility.

6. Think of E-types as “flip-flop” people who are constantly changing their minds, so how can you trust their complaints or feedback?

7. Have abundant confidence that they can make things better, if people will follow their instructions.

8. Don’t need group consensus to have faith in their opinions and solutions, preferring to go it alone when stress bombs are dropping all around.

9. Feel totally at ease debating the quality of feedback. Personal opinion is the gold standard.”I am the final judge and jury,” is their unquestionable feeling.

10. Because personal pride and living by principled standards or rules mean so much to them, they have difficulty listening to and hearing corrective feedback.

11. Will release their feelings and snarl when things aren’t going well.

12. Intensely dislike: being wrong; gripe sessions about decisions that have already been made; second-guessing leadership.

13. Have the maps to help us all get where we need and want to go.

14. Are more comfortable with conflict, confrontation, and “telling it like it is.”

15. May mistake helpful complaining for manipulative complaining.

16. Are the paper on which the book of effective communication is printed.

WE ALL FEAR THE STING OF CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK

You have to really rile up Empathizers for them to get their hackles up and bark like a disturbed dog. In contrast, Instigators snarl like a cat whose tail has just been stepped on, with little provocation. Neither type is comfortable with the explosive nature of giving or receiving either corrective or constructive feedback.

FEEDBACK SESSIONS SHOULDN’T LEAVE YOU FEELING GORGED OR STARVED

Elsewhere, I’ve described the explicit steps to take when you’re giving feedback to E- or I-type communicators. Because they are their own worst critics, Empathizers should give less weight to what people say. Because Instigators can be too hard-headed and because they tend to intimidate others, they should give more weight to what people say.

We all should give a little more attention to giving and receiving useful and helpful feedback.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association and developer of the TALK TO ME© positive and effective communication system. Why invest in a process that will improve your communication skills fast, in both personal and work relationships? Why waste time alienating people and prolonging the effort to reach a common goal, when you can use good communication strategies which pay extraordinary dividends. When you use the tools and strategies detailed in Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, you’ll find that it’s easy to keep your car in the center of Talk Highway, leaving the ditch to those communicators who play the lame Blame Game.

YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU’RE THROWN UNDER THE BUS, YOU WILL BOUNCE BACK

I have a little blue star that is positioned on my desk to remind me that there’s still light in a completely darkened room. Sensitive souls know that little gifts of friendship — disguised as blue stars — are a godsend, becoming bright shining flashlights during dark times. How do I know such things about blue stars? An independently-minded, professional Empathizer-type (E-type) female communications client of mine, recently gave me a star wrapped in blue foil. It was about the size of a 50 cent piece and contained some rich dark chocolate. Blue, in the Talk to Me© system, represents E-type communicators who are stars that light our way! I look at that little blue star often and am purely amazed. I wonder, how might this blue star help those who have been thrown under the bus, to bounce back to their normal state?

DON’T WORDS WORK WONDERS?

With the gift of the blue star from the Empathizer driver of the blue communicator car, came these sincere words delivered to my receptive ears:

“I appreciate all that you’ve done for me, Dennis. You’ve given me the gift of lighting my own way to get through the fog of a painfully difficult divorce that I didn’t want but had to get through. Not only is my self-esteem still intact, but my confidence has grown, as a result of better communication with myself and others. You know I was deeply worried about the effects of divorce on my children. I’m relieved to say the kids are doing very well, and I no longer feel drained when talking to my Instigator ex-husband, a Negatalker.”

Do you bounce when you feel someone you’ve trusted and loved has thrown you under the bus? Yes, the words you speak light the way for others, long after you’ve forgotten what you said, my beloved Empathizer communicators.

EMPATHIZERS: WHY YOU LIGHT THE WAY

I’ve bragged on you Instigator (I-type) natural-born leaders for being “on purpose” types for the longest while. Now, the shoe’s on the other foot for a change. If you’re an Empathizer, or E-type communicator, here’s why YOU soulfully appreciate giving and receiving positive messages, when mammoth changes have run you over like an elephant stampede, or you’ve been flattened after being thrown under the bus…and you need a little bit of pep in your step. Do you know who I’m talking to?

My sensitive E-type…

you know that when you’re thrown under the bus, you will bounce back!

with your emotional wisdom, you light the way ahead for all of us to more easily see our way.

you understand there is a time and a season to bend like a willow, and there is a time and a season to stand steadfast like the majestic oak.

you feel bad for people who suffer unnecessary, self-inflicted losses.

you won’t become a bitter or old dried up prune of a person, because you love people with all your heart.

you’re really grate-full, not grudge-full, and you are a natural rule-follower in relationships.

you don’t wish harm to a flea on your beloved pet, and you won’t allow change of tidal wave proportion to wash away your identity.

you trust others to see through the Negatalkers, who seek to stick a straw in your skull to suck your energy out.

you expect to help yourself and don’t expect much help from others, if you’re not first willing to do the legwork.

you are responsible and responsive, and you are accountable and reliable, all the while being a warm and loving human being.

you will do what’s right, even when it feels wrong for you.

even when you have every logical reason to do so, you won’t get even, because you know that getting even puts you behind.

you believe that things happen for a reason and work out for the best, and you can cope with uncertainty without becoming a control freak.

kids and grandkids, and all the other little people in the world, mean the world to you.

if anyone can make a relationship work it’s you; but a relationship shouldn’t be all work, now should it?

you know it’s only money, and you can’t take it with you, but you deserve to be paid buckets full for the talents you’ve honed.

you loathe loss and feel sad for those who blow up relationship bridges, putting unnecessary losses into their lives.

you know that any situation could be worse for people, and you try to look on the bright side, even though the dark clouds sometimes try to fool you into thinking that there is no blue sky above them.

you won’t put all your eggs in one basket when the other person keeps dropping the basket of eggs.

you’ve learned to speak up and stand strong, and say “NO”, when “No” is the right answer.

you have learned to do for you selflessly and without the guilt of labeling yourself “selfish.”

you let go of the need to always be the relationship rehabilitator.

YOUR LITTLE ACTIONS LIGHT THE WAY

You’re such a sensitive soul, my dear E-types, that you don’t understand why retaliation rules the lives of so many nincompoops. Ah, why bother. Who cares? You do! So, do little things for YOU when you feel bad. Pass out those shiny blue stars for which you are so well-known, being sure to keep a few for yourself. Know that during dark times, when all feels lost, flashlights of your positive deeds light the way ahead, for you and for others.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. Dennis is a relationship communications coach and corporate trainer, who is the current president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association. And the other day Dennis was in a dark mood, and he had a cold, and he was losing his voice, and he had two big speaking engagements coming up. Dennis was feeling strained and drained, and wishing that life wasn’t so tough and rough. But isn’t that how the cookie crumbles? So Dennis talked to himself as best he could: “Although you can definitely be your own worst critic, buddy, you are getting better. In fact, haven’t you noticed how you don’t fall on your own sharp sword as often? I knew you would come bouncing back after being thrown under the bus!”

GOOD COMMUNICATION ISN’T A FLUKE

Good communication isn’t a fluke. It involves a simple system of enlightened moves, which are all laid out in the Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone© textbook. Additionally, the Talk to Me© system’s tools can be accessed, at no cost to you, in the more than 200 articles at www.drogrady.com. The typecasting and other skills you will learn are all you need to start talking more positively and effectively today at work and at home. Why plug in to this system? The Talk to Me© system helps you better handle the fear of confrontation and conflict, while helping you avoid unnecessary miscommunications that could blow up in your face. The best news: Your business clients and family members will feel you truly can walk in their shoes, and, based on this trust, accomplish needed changes faster, making everyone smile.