Psychologist’s Life: Being A Change Agent

“Change happens” could be the mantra of Dennis O’Grady, a consulting communications psychologist in Dayton and author of the popular book Taking the Fear Out of Changing and Talk to Me: Communication moves to get along with anyone.

“What psychologists do well is help people cope with change,” O’Grady explained, “and encouraging people to stay up during discouraging times is what my business is all about. I help leaders, individuals, companies, families, couples and team members deal better with change.” (From “Analyze This” by Richard Doty in The Magazine of Wright State University, Fall 2004.)

Give Change a Chance

Members of my change management seminar audiences often ask how to know the difference between when you should change…and when you should continue doing things the way you’ve been doing them. One answer is to create a circle of advisers for yourself-people whom you trust and with whom you can double-check your thinking.

I am also a firm believer in brief communications coaching. You’re not crazy if you hire a neutral (outside your work/family) consulting “change agent(s)” to be part of your inner circle of advisers. In fact, you would be sane and smart. People need advice from experts in change and changing behavior.

Ask three people who aren’t afraid to give you blunt, accurate, timely feedback. Surround yourself by people who are interested in your changes, not in keeping things the way they’ve always been.

Another step you can take is to begin to value all of your relationships more. Friendship and romance are powerful ways to promote positive change. And lastly, you can take advantage of the self-help groups/web logs that are available for free on the internet.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach and consulting psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of Taking the Fear Out of Changing and the new and tested communication tools handbook TALK TO ME. Dennis is also the developer of the “Leadership Talks” corporate team communication training program.

Overcoming Shyness: Can You Make A Pig Talk?

One of my clients who has good communication skills, and an extroverted and highly charismatic personality, told me recently: “I even can make a pig talk!” I’ve seen this professional saleswoman in action, and make no mistake about it, she talks to animals and humans alike, and they all talk back super-enthusiastically to her. Talk about being APPROACH-ABLE. Whew-ee.

Do you let your charisma flow and your confidence show? You were born to win, too, but are you able to make people stop in their tracks and take notice of you? To be seen and heard, you must send the disarming message, “I’m approachable!” Put differently, send out the message you would like to receive from others, without any expectation of receiving anything back in return for the best fishing.

You were born to communicate, weren’t you? All you need is an approachable attitude, quiet confidence, good communication skills, a bit of organization and a dash of charisma. Now don’t tell me you play down your communication skills by self-labeling yourself as “shy?!” After all, “shy” people aren’t shy around people they like, trust and know to be honestly emotionally expressive. Anyway, here are effective ways to send the message to, “Talk to Me….Today:”

  • A BIG, open smile is a welcome mat to good talk
  • Sparkling eyes that dance and give energy away
  • A “giver” attitude, not a “taker” or “DOFORME” diatribe
  • Good eye contact…solid and serene
  • RELAX…breathe…we’re all scared out of our wits and pretending not to be
  • Don’t stare off into space, for crying out loud, by multi-tasking
  • Let your mind empty…do you know how to listen with “three ears”
  • Shake hands like you know no strangers…only people who are waiting to become your new friends
  • Ask good questions…LISTEN as if you are able to walk in their moccasins
  • Ask another good question to the answer you just received…be “multi-asking”
  • Make a warm-hearted joke or jest that pokes fun at yourself
  • Remember that good questions are more important than one-up, witty, repartee
  • If you are one-upping or debating…stop IT before you lose a new friend
  • Enjoy yourself…you’re not shy!

It’s not so hard to send out the positive vibes message that, “I like to talk to people…and that especially includes you. There’s no rush because I have all the time in the world to talk to you.” Let your charisma flow and your confidence show. Send the message to everyone you come into contact with that, “You’re very important to me. I will show you how important to me you are by listening intently and closely to you.”

There’s nothing to hide. You’re a winner. No one said you have to be perfect…just be the one-and-only “I’m good enough” you, that you were born to be. The world needs unique people who aren’t too afraid to be who they are. After all, you CAN seize the moment with the positive inner-skull talk, “I like who I am!”

One of my favorite books on overcoming shyness (Johnny Carson of The Tonight Show was ‘publicly shy’), is called “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. It is chocked full of good communication tips for teenagers and adults, alike. Why can’t you make a pig talk, too? Eddie Murphy could talk to all sorts of animals in the movie, “Dr. DooLittle.” You can talk to anyone, too, including people who are too shy for their own good.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady taught “Overcoming Shyness” (using Dr. Philip Zimbardo’s research and book) and “Career Education” classes at Miami University of Ohio, and “Assertiveness Training” (using Dr. Bob Alberti’s and Dr. Emmons book “Your Perfect Right“) at Muskegon Community College in Muskegon, Michigan. His new and tested interpersonal communication theory, distinguishes Empathizers and Instigators communicator types from extroverted and introverted personality types to make change happen faster. One benefit of his training is that you will be able to talk to anyone…including your pets at home.

Talkin’ IT Out: “It’s raining words!”

Talk can be cheap in the workplace, meaning it can be filled to the brim with lofty promises but running-on-empty when it comes to solving problems through positive actions. So this team player discusses the rhetorical talk…talk…talk…talk in the workplace that irritates her and threatens to “pop my happiness bubble.”

Dear Dennis,

I get so frustrated with all the talk, talk, talk, talk from people who really say nothing at all. Words have meaning! Words have life! Words mean something to me. It is so distasteful to me when people use words so carelessly. They talk about change, self-empowerment, self-improvement…yes, they use all the right words but their heart and behavior is in conflict with their talk, talk, talk.

Now I understand how words are used to hide the fact many people do not know what they are talking about and it’s just a cover for their insecurities. (I feel like I’ve developed x-ray hearing because my ears hear the real truth behind the words. Make any sense?)

I am even less impressed when listening to speakers who talk about change or use elegant words to teach or explain worthy ways to do business, communicate with co-workers and they can’t even muster the true enthusiasm for the subject, which telegraphs with their body language they live what they believe. Simply said I’m not buying what they are selling.

To be honest, I get so tired living in this talk, talk, talk work environment everyday. The talk, talk, talk rains down on me and I feel like the talkers are trying to pop my happiness bubble. Where can I find an umbrella designed to keep myself dry in a down pour of “rain talk”??

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

Rain Woman

Hi Rain Woman: Being in charge of your own mind isn’t “venting.” “Venting is venting” and is a type of miscommunication that typically involves “mind control.” Also, you are describing Instigator communicators (I-types) who talk about “observations” (cherished ideas) that Empathizer communicators then “interpret” to mean real-world “actions.” Keep measuring what actually is done alongside what is promised, but isn’t done. Then put up your umbrella to stay dry and happy today!

“Talk IT Out” with Dr. Dennis O’Grady who is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of No Hard Feelings, Taking the Fear out of Changing and TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone.

Slamming Confidence: Guerilla Attack Talk Tactics

The insensitive communicator uses the art of guerilla attack talk tactics to slam your confidence and pass the buck of blame. An anger communicator, in fact, uses hypnotic mind-altering suggestions to make him/herself feel higher up and you lower down. Why would they act so mean? Well, it works.

What are some examples of these bad talk tactics…and better assertive replies? I will use a common “blaming attack” followed by an “assertive counter-response.”

  1. Blame game: You always think you’re right.
  2. Assertive response: I don’t “always” think I’m right…but many times I am right. What’s your point?
  1. Blame game: You’re full of yourself.
  2. Assertive response: Actually, my confidence could use some boosting now and then. Since I wish I always felt really confident and on top-of-the-world…what’s your point?
  1. Blame game: You’re not committed.
  2. Assertive response: You’re right. I’m not committed to unfair fights and bad talk habits. What’s your point?
  1. Blame game: There you go again.
  2. Assertive response: There I go again, what? What’s your point?
  1. Blame game: You’re SO stubborn.
  2. Assertive response: I do have a strong will. What’s your point?
  1. Blame game: Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.
  2. Assertive response: The point is whether or not what you do is good enough for you. What’s your point…what are you trying to get at here?
  1. Blame game: You aren’t a very good communicator.
  2. Assertive response: What’s your point? What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?
  1. Blame game: You’re always so negative.
  2. Assertive response: I agree that we need to speak/act more positively. What’s your point? Are you trying to tell me how you’re going to go about doing that?

Guerilla attack guilt trips, slams, shaming and blaming, arguing, power plays, one-upping, personality attacks, sounding confident…are all dismissively aggressive talk tactics that strive to zap your confidence and make you doubt your intuitions.

Effective talking isn’t about “right vs. wrong” BUT about “what works vs. what isn’t working.” Assertively say, “What’s your point?” Or, better yet, “What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?” for a change of pace in the tug-of-war called miscommunication.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady teaches how to effectively handle insensitive or anger communicators and guilt bombers who try to run your self-esteem down into the ground by using mind games in his book TALK TO ME.

What (or Who) Is A Good Two-Way Communicator?

As the developer of a new interpersonal communications theory, I am often asked “How can I be a good two-way communicator?” Actually, that very question is a miscommunication because “good vs. bad” communicators is a misnomer. Rather, you are either an “effective” or an “ineffective” communicator on the two-way communicator highway — one who does or doesn’t get “positive results” when you speak to yourself or to others.

So here’s what makes a “good” or “effective” communicator in my book TALK TO ME:

  1. You know your communicator type. You are either an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator or an Instigator-type (I-type) communicator.
  2. You know a talk partner’s communicator type. Chances are your talk partner is your opposite communicator type.
  3. You are able to recite the four communicator modes in this order: Emotions mode, Beliefs mode, Behaviors mode, Talks mode. You are able to “hear” the modes talk to you and be “responsive” instead of “reactive.”
  4. You appreciate that E-types prefer to travel in the lanes of Emotions and Talks and respond appropriately.
  5. You appreciate the fact that I-types prefer to travel in the lanes of Beliefs and Behaviors and respond appropriately.
  6. If you are an E-type, you use the positive Beliefs mode more to change fast and try out new talk tools that last.
  7. If you are an I-type, you use the positive Emotions mode more to change fast and try out new talk tools that last.
  8. You don’t play the blame game by using gender, mood, ethnic/racial, emotional baggage, habit, personality, inability to change or other excuses to explain away lame talking tactics.
  9. You don’t ever claim that “venting a spleen” is really “talking.”
  10. You spend four minutes a day learning new talk tools and you keep an open mind about how to drive more sanely on the two-way communicator highway.

The two-way communicator highway is the way to go if you want to achieve lasting intimacy, teamwork, family problem-solving, entrepreneurial success and lasting good works. If you don’t know your “communicator type,” you can “take the test” at this site to find out.

Are you ready to go from a “good to great communicator?” I bet you are! Talk isn’t cheap…good talk is priceless.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the new communication technology featured in his new book TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone at www.drogrady.com