CommTool#4: “Change…the damn record!”

Do you ever play a scratchy “worry record” that drones on and on — one that drives you bonkers? Who doesn’t? Obsessive negative thoughts are like a batch of bloodthirsty horse flies that dive bomb at your head…they are pesky, pestering and do a good job of disrupting your peace of mind. Can’t you do something about mood-deadening songs of worry that go ’round and ’round in your head? Yes, you CAN.

Why Worry? Nothing Bad’s Going To Happen Anyway
Hope is here if you are an intelligent person who, once in a while, gets dumb thoughts or old negative songs stuck in your head, songs that are of no use to you. Relax…why worry…nothing bad’s going to happen anyway!

Let’s find out if you can stop putting your happiness in a looping vise. Let’s say your mind is having difficulty setting aside a negative thought. First, know that you can change the channel…change the record…change the subject of your inner thought-talk. In fact, this is a great time to use CommTool#4: “Change…the damn record!”

Here we go…you are curling up in a ball and withdrawing in to your head by saying:

This is dumb! I can’t get these worries out of my head. As soon as I deal with one worry…another one is born. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I find stuff to worry about. BUT WHAT IF I can’t handle what might happen tomorrow? What then? What will I do…what will happen? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do the right thing? Why do I always feel like I’m doing something wrong? I can’t let go of these worries. I can’t get to sleep, now. I’m spinning my wheels. I’ve hit a wall. I’m stuck right now. I know what I should do, but I can’t do it. I can’t get it out of my head and just relax. Is what I’m doing really working? IT just pops into my head because I’m the perfect worrier. This is SO dumb!

YOUR INNER-TALK COMEBACK: “Here I go again upsetting and worrying myself because I have such a BIG MIND…no sweat…I’ll just change the damn subject!”

Give Up Your Worries

In over 100 blog entries and 172,000 words…I’ve used the word “damn” only twice…and for good reason. You have to be forceful with your inner criticizing and the kind of worrying that snowballs and avalanches your mood.

Be forceful with yourself when your thinking puts you on the defensive and isn’t working, and when your thoughts work against you and your self-esteem! Don’t “worry yourself to death” and put your happiness in a coffin while worry music you hate is still playing.

Talk Back to Yourself

So be the “communication comeback kid” when your mind can’t get something stuck in IT out that is going ’round and ’round to a place called Nowhere. Try this talk tool one more time:

When YOU hear yourself thinking/saying: “I’ve got something here to REALLY worry about! WHAT IF…”

Talk back positively to yourself by responding: “Change…the damn record!”

Zounds, Zonkers! Feel the difference?!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing” and TALK TO ME at www.drogrady.com

Communicator Types: Instigators

Can’t talk? In my new book Talk to Me, I have uncovered two brand new communicator types. In fact, 60% of the people you work with and love are Instigator-type communicators. Neither style is better or worse.

Instigator-type communicators, or I-types for short, share many (and more) of these traits:

  1. Interpersonally  LESS SENSITIVE
  2. Huge strength of GENUINENESS
  3. Listen SELECTIVELY with a purpose in mind
  4. Achilles Heel: Can become lost in fog of irritation, impatience, anger
  5. Must overcome “It is my way or the highway!” talking style
  6. Relate to world through mind…deep thinkers
  7. Feelings don’t get easily hurt, too thick-skinned, take things too impersonally
  8. Prone to saying things they later regret
  9. In a power play, can mess with your head, great debaters
  10. Natural-born “problem fixers”…able to forget the past and move on

You can go from a good to a great communicator in no time at all. You can also find out your communicator type easily by “Taking the Test” on this site.

There are also two of the four communicator modes (Beliefs, Behaviors) that I-types prefer to drive in as they talk to people in their burnt orange cars on the two-way communicator highway. In training, Instigators benefit from adopting the strengths of their opposite communicator type called Empathizers.

Statistically, 60% of all people are Instigator communicators (I-types) while 40% of all people are Empathizer communicators (E-types).

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a licensed clinical psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone. He is a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology, and President of the corporate communications consulting firm New Insights Communication.

Communicator Types: Empathizers

Can’t talk? In my book Talk to Me, I have discovered two bold new communicator types. In fact, I’ve found that 40% of the people you work with and love are Empathizer-type communicators. Neither talk style is better or worse.

Empathizer-type communicators, or E-types for short, share many (and more) of these traits:

  1. Interpersonally SENSITIVE
  2. Huge strength of EMPATHY
  3. Listen inclusively
  4. Achilles Heel: Can become lost in fog of feeling down and blue
  5. Must overcome glass-is-half-empty negativism
  6. Relate to world through feelings…emotions as deep as the ocean
  7. Feelings get easily hurt, too thin-skinned, take things too personally
  8. Prone to pleasing too much
  9. In a power play, can mess with your emotions
  10. Natural-born relationship experts replete with people skills

You can find out your type easily by “Taking the Test” on this site. You can go from a good to great communicator in no time at all.

There are also two of the four communicator modes (Emotions, Talks) that E-types prefer to drive in as they talk to people in their blue cars on the two-way communicator highway. In training, Empathizers benefit from adopting the strengths of their opposite communicator type called Instigators.

Statistically, 40% of all people are Empathizer communators (E-types) while 60% of all people are Instigator communicators (I-types).

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a licensed clinical psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone. He is a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology, a professional relationship counselor and the founder of the Leadership Talks Program for entrepreneurial leadership development.

Insightful Comedian Ron White Says: “You Can’t Fix Stupid!”

There’s a hilarious hard-working comedian named Ron White who does a laughable routine in perfect Texan drawl about why “You Can’t Fix Stupid!” All the while, Mr. Tater Salad, part of the popular Blue Collar Comedy tour, smokes a big ole stogie and sips on what appears to be straight Scotch on-the-rocks. He’s not afraid to say what many of us are thinking.

Tongue-in-cheek straight talkers like Ron White tell IT like IT is. How “good looks” aren’t as important as “smart brains.” Mr. Tater Salad hilariously explains how you and I can fix blabby stomachs, facial wrinkles and other prized body parts due to gravity BUT…”You can’t fix stupid!”

Another wise-acting southerner, Forrest Gump, was taught by his mama to reply to the taunting “Boy…are you crazy or just plain stupid!” with this similar pithy comeback. He would say, “My mama always said…STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES!” Psychologist Translation: “Some people who think they’re awfully smart sure act awfully dumb, sometimes.”

My personal definition of stupid: “To be caring…to speak honestly…to show caring…to communicate openly about personal matters…including sex and money.” After all, we all travel together on the two-way communicator highway. Thus, emotional intelligence, or having compassion when those around you are behaving in unfeeling ways…is true grit, an act of grace, of wit and sensibility and shows personal maturity.

Are you talking openly and honestly with your life partner about money, sex, politics, good grief, communication, etc. in order to show caring and feel cared for? You can fix “stupid” communication darned fast…IF and when you use new communication tools.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady believes “You Can Fix Stupid!” And if you want to, you CAN be a brilliant communicator by using his “Talk to Me” new theory of communication.

Psychologist’s Life: Happy Mother’s Day, Betty Merrill O’Grady

As a psychologist and communications consultant, I lead a very interesting life, and I get asked many curious questions like this one, “Dr. O’Grady, do you have mother issues?” Well, I’m glad to blithely agree that, of course I have “mother issues!” Whoever has a mother has mother issues, right?

Hi, MOM! Happy Mother’s Day, MA!! Mom…you inspire love and hope to take place when hate is in the starting gates at the beginning of the race. Your voice and wise words are ALL-ways music to my ears!

Dear MA:

Happy Mother’s Day to you today!

Just wanted to let you know that you are the best MOM in the whole wide world! I am SO glad that we have a “real” relationship that is we-centered instead of me-centered. You’ve taught me that life is best traveled on a two-way communicator highway.

You’ve also pulled my butt out of the fire more times than I can ever repay. I’ve learned what “unconditional love” is from you…to stand by those you truly love who’ve been knocked down by life and feel plain, plumb dumb. And you’ve walked beside me whenever I made some pretty dumb life decisions (and experienced the consequences) BUT learned, changed, matured and moved on. I sure have learned to appreciate communication tools and handling moods from you.

As you know, I’m against “perfect”…including “the perfect mother” or “the perfect son/daughter.” Trying to be perfect is “perfectly insane.” I’ve also learned from/with you that, “The harder I try to control…the behinder I get!” Or, “The more I let go the more life goes the way life wants me to travel.” Ironically, I make the mistake of trying to control what I can’t control…and fail to exert control over what I can control.

I DO appreciate that you didn’t give me a hard time about becoming a psychologist. I love being a “talk therapy” psychologist, although as you’ve correctly guessed, it can be pretty emotionally draining and grueling some days. Hearing painful life stories, and hanging in there while the ashes of grief settle and new growth occurs, is not for the weak-of-heart. I do find that providing “meaningful service” to others is what life’s all about for me.

Well, you’re probably enjoying your beautiful day sitting by Al and Ginny’s lanai and hearing the babbling sound of the whirlpool cascading into their pool. You told me Al is going to grill? Hey, everything my older bro’ ever needed to know about grilling…I taught him! Right bro’? So glad we are ALL connected for all time. Hi Ginny!! For I am your very lucky-second son who knows how to double-up on your love.

Have you told Al yet that I am your favorite Smothers’ brothers son? Sibling rivalry aside, thanks for being my mom, Mom. I know it’s been a LONG while since Dad passed away…and I, too, miss him more than anything. BUT I’m more thankful than ever that we still all have each other to talk and listen to.

Mom you have repeatedly given me hope when I’ve been surrounded by darkness and fear. You’ve taught me that “There’s nothing to fear, including fear itself.” You’ve encouraged me to be emotionally honest and relationally literate. You’ve boosted my spirits in countless ways in the 50-plus years we’ve been together. And when I’ve felt like a complete idiot and failure, you haven’t scolded me with a “I told you so, Denny!” And when I’ve done good being a loving husband and father…you’ve rejoiced.

You are the way of LOVE MOM.

Your loving son,

Denny

Reader P.S.: I’ve dedicated my upcoming book “Talk to Me: Communication moves to get along with anyone” to Mom. Me-mum and I have grown closer through the years…as I’ve learned more about her personal journey and struggles and Mom has been a part of my life “oops.” Frankly, when I’ve most needed my mom to be there for me, she arrives on the talk crash scene with a confident air and solutions in hand.

Do I have mother issues? I hope so, because I DO SO love my mom and know the “real” woman that makes up that whopping psychological “imago” of “the perfect image of the perfect mom.” I prefer the Real Merrill-O’Grady. LUV YOU, MOM!!!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the proud adult son of his beloved elder mother Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady, and a clinical psychologist who practices in Dayton, Ohio. His forthcoming book TALK TO ME is dedicated to his mother, Betty.