Word Pollution: “Um…y’know…I kinda’…dunno…don’t you agree…do ya’ know what I mean?”

My ears get reamed every day and my brain screams when I hear some of these talk fillers from pedigreed people: “Um…y’know…um…I kinda’…like…don’t you think so…um…yeah…um…y’know…don’t you agree…ya’ know what I mean?!” Aarrh! Give my ears a break from all the word pollution and rigmarole!!

Getting down on tobacco smokers for second-hand smoke is all the rage…BUT what about people who accost your ears and senses with secondhand talk fillers, noise, static and all types of verbal pollution and gobbledy-gook? What about those noise-makers whose talk is about as calming as someone scraping their fingernails across a chalk board?

Do you think I want to be around your toxic clouds of pollution talk? Not on your talk couch, word whacker. Dr. Taibi Kahler, gifted thinker/writer/consultant for “Process Communication Management” put forth that there are five talkspeak “drivers,” or talk habits, that tell you how consciously and carefully a person is driving down the two-way communicator highway:

  1. Please Others (Me): Agreeing with people just to make them feel good, and getting others to agree with you to get them off your back, instead of giving differing opinions or negative feedback. Example: “Don’t you agree with me? Ya’ know what I mean?”
  2. Try Hard: Trying hard isn’t the same thing as doing what you say you want/will do. “I tried hard to…” is an excuse for laziness or inertia. This is the procrastinator’s gas-station hang out. Example: “Don’t be mad at me…I’m trying REALLY, really, really trying hard TO _____!”
  3. Hurry Up: Rushing around with your hair on fire but not being where you are NOW or getting where you need to GO. Example: “I’m running from pillar to post. I just DIDN’T have time! It’s not my fault…don’t feel despondent or dejected!”
  4. Be Strong: Stuffing feelings in the subconscious mind, thus permitting them to be covered up in the short term and come out sideways in negative behaviors over the long haul. Example: “I didn’t want to tell you what I was feeling because that would have upset you SO much so I just quietly went out and had an affair, instead of bothering you.” Hey, am I just joking here, dear reader?!
  5. Be Perfect: My personal favorite today gets you looking and sounding good but not getting much good done. Requires a speaker to say whatever you want to say JUST PURRfectly (perfectly)…or don’t bother saying anything useful at all. Example: “I’m not sure exactly…right this particular instantaneous instant second of time in the unfolding universe of time…IF this would be the right course of action for the right reason at the right time…SO I had better think about this more in-depth and study the issue more thoroughly and then get back to you because I don’t want to miss something really BIG and MAKE A BIG MISTAKE!”

Psychologist’s Life: Hey, I’m sick of people pokin’ a stick in my ear and calling it “good talk.” Give me some room to breathe, think and be of good cheer. Keep your talk pollution outside of my three ears…y’know what I mean?! And furthermore, my fondest talk polluter, do you even know that the word “rigmarole” that I used above actually means “confused, rambling, nonsensical, incoherent discourse?” HA…Gottcha’! Y’know what I mean?

So PLEASSSE…think about what you say before you light up some words that are going to make me choke. After all, IT’s up to you to protect the health of our talk planet and reduce “word pollution.” NOW don’t ya’ agree with me…I kinda’…um…like…y’know…y’know what I mean?!!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady offers Corporate Communications Coaching to Dayton-area privately-held entrepreneurial companies, and is the developer of a brand new communication theory showcased in “TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone” due for release in June, 2006.

Let’s Talk: Problem-Solving Made Simple

You Don’t Blame a Person, You Fix A Problem!
When people are made the problem, you will be distracted from doing what works to solve the problem. When you lose a problem-solving focus, you and those you deal with WILL lose OUT in equally big ways.

Solving problems by using effective communication tools MAY be the missing map in your life adventure that can guide you out of emotional swamps crowded with hungry alligators that you are now lost in. Have you noticed how blaming others is a slick diversion to solving tenacious problems?

Here’s the pattern of how you defeat yourself: Painful emotions…trying to control…missed communications…escalating problems…the blame cycle…hard feelings…lack of cooperation…painful emotions, and so on and so on scooby-dooby do.

For example, if your turn the statement “You make me frustrated!” inside out, it becomes: “What needs to happen differently here (change) so both you and I can have our needs satisfied?” Sure, I realize we don’t always get what we want, but we can have more of what we need by using a communication problem-solving process. Why end up being an anger communicator?

What works for effective problem solving is jointly coming up with new steps to try…then trying them out. Small steps that eventually lead to big changes are evaluated daily to measure actual RESULTS. Thus, you don’t blame a person, you fix a problem!

Adjusting to problems isn’t the point here…adjusting your strategies to solve problems is the point.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a transactional analyst group and family psychotherapist who teaches how to use positive communication skills where everyone can win.

Change Management: Five Fears of Change

When people feel stuck and frustrated, it is often their fear of change that is causing the problem. When that fear is too strong-as it is in the workplace today-people are afraid to change. That is because they are under great stress and feel out of control.

There are five major fears of change. I rank these according to what corporate communication coaching clients and nationwide audiences have told me.

Usually PEOPLE WHO FEAR CHANGE experience at least one (or more) of the following normal change fears.

1. Fear of the Unknown. Why do men or women fear committing to learning new communication skills at work or in a romantic relationship? Why does taking a new job seem SO scary? We are most at ease when we are completely familiar with our surroundings and sure of what the future holds for us. As a result, fear of the unknown, and staying in our comfort zones or boxes, can paralyze us.

2. Fear of Failure. Typical questions you might ask yourself are, What IF after I try it, it doesn’t work out and I look foolish? Won’t I be a laughingstock? Will I be perceived to a big, fat loser? People expect to get everything right the first time, instead of taking their time to work things out and getting them right at some time.

The Change Game: How to Win in These Fast-Changing Times

Change has a bad reputation in our society. But it isn’t all bad-not by any means. In fact, change is necessary in life-to keep us moving…to keep us interested…to keep us growing.

Imagine life without change. It would be static…boring…and dull. When people feel stuck and frustrated, it is often their fear of change that is causing the problem.

When that fear is too strong-as it is in the workplace today-people are afraid to change. That is because they are under great stress and feel out of control.

(S)Mother’s Day: “Why Is A Bad Mom Such Bad News?”

There are many adult children of bad mothers. A bad mother can be defined as an emotional, blackmail, black-belt con artist…one who blame-fully poisons the well of the positive mind and is communicationally abusive.

On Mother’s Day, many good men and women feel guilt-tripped by all the Hallmark card mixed messages that try to define the perfect mother as, well..perfectly normal. BUT what if y/our mother is bad to the bone? What then? Do you act nice and dress up that ugly reality all pretty-like? No, of course you don’t. It’s not wise to ignore a painful reality.

Tell me…Why Is A Bad Mom Such Bad News?
So let’s be fair, here. Many of us look as if we hail from the perfect family when in reality we are living in a cauldron of family stew, where tense emotions…NOT talking…and disappointed expectations, are the norm. Here’s why a “bad mom” can be such bad news:

  1. Guilts: Gives you the “guilt look” and drops the “guilt bomb” on ya
  2. Gossips: Talks behind backs and plays kids/grandkids (siblings) off against each other manipulatively
  3. Fakes: Doesn’t respect personal boundaries, healthy discourse and truth-telling
  4. Blames: “It’s NOT my fault because I”m NEVER wrong!”
  5. Abuses: Emotionally (physically) abusive…controlling…fault-finding
  6. Psychodramatic: Melodramatically and breathlessly invites you to come into “The Blame and Shame Show,” which isn’t the greatest show on earth.
  7. Is a Taker: A people user…uses other people as objects…expects sympathy
  8. Shames: Makes you feel bad about the best parts of who you really are
  9. Puts Down: Undermines your healthy self-regard by saying: “You’re just being selfish!”
  10. Angers: Paints others red with her anger whenever anyone has the nerve to effectively disagree
  11. Abandons: Uses threats of abandonment and punishments such as social ostracism or exclusion, to get her way
  12. Blackmails: Is an emotional blackmail artist, own a black built in guilt but can cry like a baby, when it’s to her advantage

Don’t get me wrong. There are “bad” fathers, bosses, grandmothers/fathers, coworkers, etc., and the list of terrible traits above would fit them all, too. That’s the point!

Bad communicators use the same bad talk tools, and that’s why we call them “bad communicators” when what we actually mean to describe them as something more spiffy, such as as “ineffectual communicators who turn positive talk off cold.”

Focus today on the people who really “want you” and care for you as you are. Trying too hard to please others who are too hard to please will put your happiness in a coffin. (Read the timeless fable of “The Scorpion and The White Horse” on this site to find out why we are slow to learn who are true friends are.)

In the meantime, go on easy and let go of the guilt, especially if you know a “bad mother” (or bad boss, father, grandparent, brother/sister etc.) who uses the cloak of motherhood to do some pretty dark and dastardly deeds this Mother’s Day.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the father of three daughters, and enjoys a two-way communication street with his elder mother, Betty Merrill O’Grady. Dennis works with many cases of controlling parental emotional abuse…which he conjectures and believes to be one of the root causes of relationship fear, mistrust and distress.