Self-Esteem: “Stupid Is As Stupid Does”

As a parent of three daughters and a communication psychologist, early-on I outlawed the use of the word “stupid” in my home. I know it’s “stupid”…BUT I loathe the word “stupid” although I hear it daily in my office and at home! Yikes!

RUN FORREST, RUN

“What was I thinking?!” “That’s the point…I wasn’t thinking!” is a lament I hear daily in my psychotherapy practice. If I had ten bucks every time I’ve heard that “What-I-did-am-stupid-and-guilty” put down, why…WHY I would be as rich in my bank account as I am in my personality. Psychologically, repetitively speaking the word “stupid” encourages and reinforces “stupid” AKA UNCARING actions.

WHY FORREST GUMP WAS SUPER-SMART AND SUPER-CARING

Forrest Gump cut to the chase because he DARED TO CARE. I’m a 30-plus year veteran of the “stupid talk wars.” Here were some of the ways people express a lack of caring about caring framed in the word “stupid.”

  1. Idiot
  2. Dumbbell
  3. IT for brains
  4. Stupid people make me really angry
  5. Empty-headed
  6. Stupid systems are dumb
  7. Numbskull
  8. Do you use your head for more than a hat rack?
  9. Dim-witted
  10. Dumb as a rock
  11. Dumb nuts
  12. Dumb as dirt
  13. Dumb as a doorbell
  14. Plumb…dumb…stupid
  15. You can’t fix stupid
  16. Hey, fathead!

My, now aren’t we feeling fine after filling our minds with a bunch of garbage? My definition of dumb is “uncaring.” And yes, people are plenty uncaring…especially towards themselves because they lack high self-esteem (HSE). HSE is being able to show caring toward self and others when you are feeling tossed about, split apart, strained, pushed, stressed or hurting.

HIGH SELF-ESTEEM: CARING IS…AS CARING DOES

Forrest Gump was right that “Stupid is as stupid does!” I might add that “Caring is as caring does!” Forrest was VERY CARING…even risking his life and helping others’ dreams come true long after they left this world. In my couch talk, that means y/our Emotional I.Q., or what you do DO…matters as much, or more than, your intellectual I.Q. or what you are capable of doing.

We can be plenty brainy but still lack caring. In my communicator theory, Forrest Gump would be an ETE, or an Empathizer-type extrovert. Very rare type! I call ETE’s…SEERRS. Empathizer extroverts see and know what it would take to make the world a far better place IF you and I would only….

You aren’t stupid. You can think ahead to the consequences of what you are feeling like doing today. After all, “Caring is as caring does!” may not always be smart but it is brave!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is an executive coach, management consultant and professional relationship counselor who is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.

CommTool #3: “‘It’s NOT fair!’ is supremely fair”

You hear yourself moan: “IT’S not fair!”
You respond sensibly: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

Often, when you feel sorry for yourself, you shut down by using the negative thought: “BUT that’s not fair!” Or, “That’s not the way IT’s supposed to be/go!” Oh man, do we have the capacity to feel sorry for ourselves and slide down into a pit of despondency, or what?

Why Does “IT” Always Happen To Me?

Hope is here when you feel primed to feel sorry for yourself. You can talk caringly and realistically to yourself while recognizing…not running from…a disappointment.

Let’s say your energy is tapped and your mood zapped. You hear your inner voice grinding out, “Why does this always happen to me? Life’s NOT Fair!” This is a great time to use CommTool #3: “‘It’s NOT fair!'” is supremely fair!” Let’s see if you agree.

Here we go…you are downing yourself by saying:

My life’s not working. I feel bad, shut down, closed in. God, what’s happening to me? I’m moody but it’s just not fair. Not fair at all! Why should I try so hard to be positive when life and people keep on letting me down? Why even bother? Throughout life I’ve been a giver, and people take me as a sucker. Takers are happy…while givers are glum. Yeah, I know feelings aren’t necessarily facts or reality BUT I feel like such a loser…a big, fat, lame, zero. Why does this always have to happen to me? IT’s NOT fair!

YOUR INNER-TALK RESPONSE: “Life is supremely fair…the FAIR comes once a year!”

Do you feel as if you’re rolling the rock up the hill by your nose, only for the boulder-of-a-rock to come rolling and thundering right back over you squashing you flat as a pancake. Sometimes, people just feel like giving up. “Why should I even try?” is GIVEUPITIS of the worst kind.

Maybe something different will happen when you challenge your negative thinking while respecting your right to feel as bad as a good person does. After all, you are getting ready to “give up ‘giving up!’ ”

Self-talk NOW: One more time…“IT’s NOT fair! Says who?…Houdini or me? I think life is supremely fair. I know for a fact that the FAIR comes around to my county in the summer…every single year. I don’t think I’ll wait that long to put my life back on track. Part of life’s magic is to decide to be positive when I’m feeling completely negative!”

“Life’s NOT supposed to be fair…so you had better get used to it, son!” won’t work for you, me or those you love. That “suck it up” well-meaning response has the effect of adding misery to my already plentifully miserable life.

Talk Back to Yourself

So be the “comeback kid” when you life stinks to high heaven like garbage. SO…when you once more hear yourself talking illogically that “IT’S not fair!” try this:

When YOU hear yourself thinking/saying: “IT’S not fair!”

Talk back positively to yourself by responding: “You’re right (insert your name here)…It’s NOT fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

Whooooooa, Nelly! Feel the difference?!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing” and TALK TO ME at www.drogrady.com

Will You Win My Inspirational Coffee-Cup Communication Contest?

You’re Born To Win

I am getting ready to run a coffee-cup motto contest that includes the best sayings you can muster about change mastery. Would you like to win a cash prize?

The wittiest quotable quotes will be emblazoned upon coffee mugs to pump up y/our mind(s) with daring ideas that will take flight on the wings of positive action…and a little caffeine. This way, you and I can “Have a New Day…Happy or Not!” every day of this challenging year of change that is ahead of us.

Here are a few pithy sayings about change to get your engine started and raring to go:

  1. Change…For a Change
  2. Change: Give IT a Chance
  3. The Only Person You Can Change Is Yourself
  4. The Grass Is Always Greener On The Side of the Fence You Take Care Of
  5. Change Happens!
  6. If Something Is Worth Doing, It’s Worth Doing Imperfectly
  7. Put OFF Procrastinating
  8. I Reserve the Right to Drive Myself Crazy
  9. Give Change a Chance
  10. Give Up ‘Giving Up’
  11. A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Misplace
  12. T.G.I.T.: Thank God It’s Today
  13. Go the Extra (S)mile
  14. Keep Your Nose to the Grinstone
  15. Why Can’t People Be More Like Dogs?
  16. Communication is Everything
  17. Change…the damn record
  18. CHANGE IT

Now it’s your turn. Come up with a pithy statement that opens the mind and heart of everyone to change.

And send me your ideas to change@drogrady.com. The contest is coming to a computer screen near you soon!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone at www.drogrady.com

If It Ain’t Workin’…Do Something Different

DO YOU GET GREAT RESULTS BY FOCUSING ON WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE INSTEAD OF WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE?

Many of my clients who need help with communications skills get great results by focusing on WHAT needs to change instead of WHO needs to change.

The old saw goes like this: “Don’t push against the river of change…flow with stress events.” Or, “If IT ain’t workin’…do something different!”

I use a CANOE metaphor to help you keep your mind(s) focused on ACTIONS and RESULTS instead of talk…making lame excuses…more talk…pointing a finger of blame…even more talk…getting all defensive…repeating talks…feeling critical or criticized …talk-talk…launching counter-attacks…talk-talk-talk…disrupting by interrupting…talk-talk-talk-talk…agreeing to something and then procrastinate perfectly…talk…talk…talk…I’m pooped!

There is no single way to paddle a canoe that works for everyone. The point is to paddle the canoe as a team…in the agreed upon direction…without running out of energy or killing one another to get to the destination where treasure awaits you.

Are you doing teamwork or mework? Read my blog on “New Insights About Teamwork” that teaches you my canoe metaphor to find out.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady studies leadership styles and teaches teamwork tools in his coaching and consulting practice that focuses on change management and communication skills.

To Sigmund Freud: Happy 150th Birthday

Everyone has a hero. One of mine is Sigmund Freud, who instigated illuminating changes during the dark times of the Nazi regime. Happy 150th Birthday, Sigmund. You’ve helped more people and cultures than you ever personally met. Man, you’ve got brains and guts!

OH, WHAT CHANGES FREUD INSTIGATED

Many concepts you and I take for granted and use every day were developed by Freud and his followers, such as:

1. Counseling and psychotherapy
2. The driving force of the “unconscious”
3. Interpreting your dreams when you get up in the morning
4. The idea that children have feelings and are important people, too
5. Multiple voices (id, ego, superego) are alive and well in your head
6. Defense mechanisms, such as, “I’m afraid of hurting your feelings!”
7. The mortido drive…or why we do such stupid things now and then

    Freud was a very gifted and prolific writer and thinker. Technologically akin to the development of airplane travel, Freud helped us all safely fly to unknown regions of the unconscious and subconscious inner minds.INVENTORS: GREAT COMMUNICATORS WHO INVENT NEW IDEAS TO HELP THE WORLD ACCOMPLISH GREAT FEATS OF CHANGE

    Was Freud and extrovert or an introvert? I’m sure…Freud was an Instigator-type communicator who was an introvert. In my communication system, both Freud and Jung were Instigator-type introverts or ITI’s. Nickname: INVENTORS. They are among good company. Bill Gates, Ben Franklin and The Wright Brother’s are just a few famous ITI’s.

    ARE YOU MORE-INGOING AND INTROVERTED…OR MORE-OUTGOING AND EXTROVERTED?

    Your communicator type is an Empathizer-type communicator or an Instigator-type communicator. Your personality type is either an introvert or extrovert…you know best. Did you know that Freud’s close ally and buddy Carl Jung developed the ideas of more-ingoing (introverted) or more-outgoing (extroverted) to try and better understand his “ambivalent” and very productive relationship with Freud? There was a huge clash of these genius titans and ultimately a very painful falling out. In fact, the Myers-Briggs personality testing movement, the most popular measurement of understanding your personality today, grew out of this undertaking.

    GREAT MEN AND WOMEN HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR AND CAN BE TEASED

    The basic writings of Sigmund Freud are a treasure-trove filling shelves upon shelves. I know many jokes are told about Sigmund Freud…just goes to show he’s still got us thinking and reeling after 150 years. I won’t soon forget the cartoon I saw that described “a Freudian slip” (slip of the tongue) with an image of my hero Sigmund Freud prancing around in a lady’s slip…

    BRAIN ENVY

    …Oh, my now. That’s SO hostile. Just goes to show some have “brain envy” of that remarkable Jewish man and scholar.

    Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker on positive and effective communication, Transactional Analyst and communications psychologist who is a mentee and admirer of the life-changing work of Sigmund Freud. O’Grady’s third book is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” He is a husband and father of three daughters, and resides in the hometown of flight, Dayton, Ohio.