New Insights Communication Poll: What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?

In popular psychology, high confidence levels or high self-esteem are linked to all sorts of desirable outcomes, such as: Ability to shrug off stress, willingness to take healthy risks in business, positive personal habits such as time management, an easy comfort in new social situations and the ability to be outgoing, good family communication, an optimistic vs. pessimistic mental attitude, great leadership communication, openness to change, student ability to learn tough new material, maturity to handle helpful negative feedback, sports performance when the squeeze is on, ability to close sales or make “cold calls” easily, effective parenting and problem-solving, relationship satisfaction, a habit of worshiping at the church of your choice, etc. Even the very pick of your romantic partner is determined in large part by your confidence level.

Zounds. Seems almost like everything you and I do is somehow linked to our levels of inner confidence. Confidence is one priceless feeling that you can’t buy, the pillar or foundation necessary for taking many new positive actions in spite of fear, isn’t it?

DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT OR SIMPLY LOOK CONFIDENT…OR DO YOU HAVE EXCESSIVE SELF-ESTEEM?

But how many among us are truly feeling confident…versus putting on a confident face and looking, acting and sounding confident, when in our inner private reality we may be feeling quite down and low or low in self-esteem and shying off from acting proactively on the stage of life? I thought to ask my readers at www.drogrady.com just that question in a weekly poll. Check out the results for yourself:

WHEN IT COMES TO FEELING CONFIDENT…I WOULD DESCRIBE MYSELF AS HAVING:

1. LOW SELF-ESTEEM (LSE): 53.85%

2. HIGH SELF-ESTEEM (HSE): 46.15%

3. EXCESSIVE SELF-ESTEEM (ESE): Zero…O%

COMMUNICATION PSYCHOLOGY DISCUSSION:

Well, if we have a pretty normal group of folks answering the poll (which I think we do)…then about every other person you come across isn’t feeling too terrible confident today, either. Your friend or colleague may look, sound and act confident, but inside in the private interior of everyone’s emotional worlds…would be feeling “less than” or “not good enough”…talking a little bit down on the self, doubtful, pessimistic, less than confident. Wonder what would happen if we all had to wear a badge that announced how we were feeling: Low, high or super-high in self-esteem? Would we act and talk differently toward that person and feel that communication or miscommunication was due to the confidence level instead of the business or personal matters at hand?

WHAT ARE SOME TIPS TO BOOST YOUR SELF-ESTEEM WHEN YOU FEEL BUSTED?

Your self-esteem can be massaged and managed and raised when it’s too low. Here are some mental factors to help you feel up when you feel down from “Managing High Self-Esteem” in my classic book “Taking the Fear out of Changing”:

  1. DON’T WAIT UNTIL YOU LOSE OUT BIG TO CHANGE.
  2. MAKE SURE YOU LISTEN TO AND USE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK TO GROW AND CHANGE.
  3. LEARN TO FACE AND EMBRACE YOUR OWN WEAKNESSES.
  4. STOP LIVING IN A BUBBLE.
  5. DON’T PUSH AWAY PEOPLE TO PROVE A POINT.
  6. FACE YOUR FEARS OF DISCONNECTING YOUR INTIMACY AND SUCCESS DRIVES.
  7. LET YOUR SENSITIVITY AND CARING SHOW THROUGH AND DON’T BE A SAP.
  8. FANTASIZE ABOUT WHAT YOU ‘WILL DO’ AND DO IT.
  9. JOIN A DISCUSSION GROUP OR GET A PERSONAL GROWTH COACH.
  10. ENJOY AN OPTIMISTIC MENTAL ATTITUDE.

DEAL WITH NEGATIVISM…PUT OFF PESSIMISM

You CAN alter negative beliefs that reinforce low self-esteem and keep you from taking healthy risks to improve your mood and willingness to take healthy risks.

EXCESSIVE SELF-ESTEEM IS TOO-HIGH SELF-ESTEEM (ESE)?

“The Never Wrong Personality”…is that high-flying person who is VERY certain he/she is right and you and all “lesser” people ought to do exactly as “they say,” and when they say you should do it. I’ll not soon forget one ESE communications client who said: “I feel like an eagle in a world of sparrows…I don’t suffer the stupidity of common people lightly.” Needless to say, he was having tremendous difficulties in his personal relationships, and as a business entrepreneur was only tolerated because he had some money to toss around.

On the good news front, almost half of the people you come across today are feeling pretty good about themselves…which will be linked to positive parenting, positive marital communications, and positive business habits that give a helping hand to making projects go forward instead of stall out.

A CLOSELY HELD SECRET ABOUT SELF-ESTEEM

Dr. Nathaniel Branden, a Los Angeles psychotherapist, is one of my all-time favorite popular psychology authors in the arena of self-esteem…how your levels of confidence can work for or against you…and what you can do to improve your confidence to achieve far better relationship and communication results. There are many others, and all you have to do, is bathe your brain in effective ways to talk some sense to yourself and approve of who you are and what you need to do to feel O.K.

A final secret of high (average) self-esteem is this one: Confidence is a key factor that keeps you moving ahead on a positive path when others around you are being discouraging or distracting you from the taking the “higher road” or “road less traveled” that you need to travel on today to make change happen fast and last.

True confidence is walking softly in this world but carrying a big stick of successful outcomes that are good for everyone.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady discovered two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. One example of a talk difference between the two is that Empathizer-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal emotional contact, while Instigator-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal intellectual respect.

Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.

A Beginner’s Guide To Good Couple Talk

I love that 1983 oldies song “When A Man Loves A Woman” because it exhorts us to keep our minds focused on passion-filled, rewarding couple talk. And why not? Couples of any type are wise to set good talk habits into motion in a new relationship. Asking open-ended questions, listening to the honest answers, and asking a further elaborating question are all good habits. So is talking any time the mood strikes or the couple mood is struck down.

40 QUESTIONS TO GUIDE GOOD COUPLE TALK

So what are good questions to ask when two people are in love…and want to remain that way? Here are fine examples of open-ended talk questions based on the talk system you will find in my book, TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. Consider this “A Beginner’s Guide To Good Couple Talk.”

1. Do you feel totally free to tell me what you think and feel? Why, or why not?

2. Why do you chose NOT to talk to me, sometimes. Are you afraid to say what you truly think and feel?

3. What ideas or opinions do you feel are inappropriate to share with me, in your mind.

4. Are you afraid of hurting my feelings? How do I react when you hurt my feelings? Do I act like I really don’t want to hear any negative feedback?

5. If telling me the truth leads to some negative consequences, are you still commited to telling me the truth? Would the truth honestly be worth sharing then?

6. What emotions are you most afraid to share with me? Are there any emotions that are off-limits to discussion?

7. What price are you willing to pay for us to get along? Must we always get along and “go along to get along?”

8. What’s the biggest “risk” to you of talking openly, honestly and transparently? What’s the downside? Do you purposefully measure out what to say so I won’t get upset?

9. Do you think I’m a good listener? Why, or why not? Is it best not to say anything, if you don’t have anything nice to say?

10. How do I subtly try to shut you down when you try to talk to me? What topics make me anxious and reactive? How could I respond more authentically to you?

11. Do I have a positive talk attitude, namely, does it seem like anytime is a good time to talk to me? Or do I put you off until later…and later never comes?

12. If I become upset easily when you talk to me, do you back off and stop talking? What topics are forbidden?

13. Do you feel free to speak in an uncensored fashion? To say embarrasing things or tell me thoughts or experiences that you feel ashamed of?

14. Am I too sarcastic? Do I say things like, “Whatever you say, dear!” Or, “Why am I always in the wrong and you’re always right?!” Are these confidence slams or guilt bombs that stop an open dialogue and turn it into a monologue?

15. Do I tell you how to feel? Do I tell you that your feelings are bad, wrong, not the right size? How do I blow you off instead of bringing us together?

16. What worries are you withholding from me now?

17. What one thing stands in our way of having good, open talks…discussions that are totally honest, emotionally genuine, where vulnerabilities are aired and shared…”making talk” and “psychologically naked talking?”

18. What would you say to me IF you could say anything without reprisal or cutting criticism?

19. How do you feel picked on by me…and for what? What meta-message does it send to you to do or not do certain things?

20. What are you hiding from me due to fear of my disapproval?

21. Do you ever feel attacked by me, and how?

22. What idea do you think I hold of you in my mind about how good or bad a communicator you are? Are you careful of what you say because I am unpredictable and you don’t know what I’ll do?

23. Can we talk for the sake of talking instead of shut down and shut up when hurt feelings are running strong? Can we keep on being nurturing toward one another when we have a misunderstanding?

24. Do you ever feel like my mood is a smoking cannon that is ready to blow at any time? Do I handle my anger assertively?

25. Do you ever try to please me at the expense of our relationship? Do you tell me what I might want to hear because you are afraid of conflict?

26. What do you fear most about our getting into a heated conflict? Do we use fair fight rules? Do you feel you fight fair?

27. What do I make you feel guilty for, or about? What words do I use that guilt you? Do you feel free to challenge these guilt trips?

28. When would you not feel free to tell me what you think and feel? Is there a certain topic that you avoid talking about? Work? Extended family? Money? Sex? Worship? The kids, etc.?

29. Which do you fear most, my rejection and disapproval or my retribution and removal or withdrawing from you?

30. What would need to happen for us to talk better?

31. Do I put you down, dismiss or discount you by saying, “Why on earth would you say something like that?! You don’t really mean that!” Are there other talk put offs that I frequently use with you?

32. How can I invite deeper conversations with you? By saying what? Such as, “Would you tell me more about why you say that?”

33. Do I act like you have to agree with me? Can we disagree in a mature manner without anyone going off in an angry huff?

34. How can I encourage vs. discourage keeping our lines of communication open? Do we have open lines of communication?

35. Do I blame you for things beyond your control?

36. Am I supportive of achieving your personal dreams? Of friendships? Of personal growth and change?

37. Do I act like there’s something flawed about what you feel or think? Do I sound like a critical parent who says, “You shouldn’t feel or think that way. That’s not being very nice, now is it?”

38. What one thing could I change that would improve our communication skills?

39. What one thing could you change to improve our communication strategies?

40. What do we stand for as a couple? What is m/y/our idea of what makes a relationship succeed…and what makes a relationship fail?

A GUIDE TO GOOD TALK

On The Big Chill movie soundtrack, you will hear “When a man loves a woman…can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else.” So, set good habits in motion early in a relationship. Use the above questions as a “guide to good talk.” Take your time, build trust and openness as you go. Be aware when you are holding back your truth or disagreement from your partner.

Sure, answering these type of “deep questions” strikes terror into the bravest of hearts. But is it scarier than going through an unwanted divorce or breakup?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady offers his “Guide to Good Talk” as a way of helping couples of every mindset to talk more openly and honestly. Talking openly is an insurance policy that every couple can’t afford to be without. Dr. O’Grady’s book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” will show you how to talk like a pro in minutes to your partner…who will want to talk right back with you…NOW. Dr. O’Grady leads “live workshops” and gives keynote talks on customized topics for your organization or group to improve managerial and leadership communication, too. Over 100 positive communications articles by Dr. O’Grady are available at www.drogrady.com.