Monthly Archives: October 2006

Do you neglect your pleasure as a couple, in favor of raising healthy kids? Or do you pursue your pleasure as a couple, and neglect your responsibilities to raise healthy kids…or both/neither of the above? In “child-centered families,” the couple tends to neglect the couple unit to focus on the children. Everyone says NOT to forget about the lovers BUT…it’s just so easy to do.

THE LOVING COUPLE NEGLECT SYNDROME

The couple neglect syndrome develops when you put your needs for pleasure last on your “to-do list”…so far down that you rarely get to them at all. Here are the key factors that indicate, little-by-little, you’re becoming an un-couple:

1. The couple doesn’t communicate. You talk about tasks and “the to do’s” instead of the conversation that indicates your enjoyment of each other.

2. The couple lives like roommates. Small talk replaces deeper discussions.

3. Each partner does a lot of solo pleasuring. “He does his thing, and she does her thing!” is the norm.

4. Superficial conversations. Very little personal self-disclosure occurs, or minimal sharing of vulnerabilities during discussions.

5. Your partner doesn’t listen. Listening with the intent to “first understand before being understood” doesn’t often happen.

6. You feel second to the kids. You notice that your partner shows more excitement and enthusiasm being around the kids than being around you.

7. The couple doesn’t spend much relaxed private time together. A “we’ve got to hurry up and balance 12 plates in the air!” permeates the relationship.

8. You don’t go out socially as a couple much. You don’t go out together with positive friends or stay together to enjoy the social outing as a couple.

9. Excuses. You both make a bevy of excuses why you can’t be close now…but maybe later. For example, “If it weren’t for the kids or stress, we’d be able to…”

10. Senseless arguing. You snipe, snap or snip at one another for tiny annoyances.

11. Only one spouse sees the problem. There isn’t partner agreement on the pleasuring problems that need to be solved…and how serious the problems even are.

12. Moan-day…Moan-day. Griping about how change is tough, time is short, energy is sapped, pressures to be perfect are percolating and moaning about shortages of every shape and kind.

13. Flirting. Enjoying talking and playing word games with age-companions who aren’t your partner…when they act positive…like they like you and are glad to see you.

14. Perfection fakery. The pressure is on to “look good” publicly to the group (social or extended family), instead of privately “feeling good and happy and tight” as a couple.

15. In-tense. A gripping “tension” exists, making the couple feel as if they’re in a vise whenever they’re around each other for unstructured periods of time.

16. Extremism. All-or-none thinking or extremism prevails making the flow of love either totally turned on or absolutely turned off like water through a garden hose.

17. Too busy to be bothered. Lack of communication and not physically showing caring in hugs and other tender touches are never good things. Neither is being too too busy to make time to talk.

18. “And before we knew IT…” The couple bond grows weaker and weaker, and the fire of love burns low to the point of being snuffed out. There is a lack of respect and attention paid to a partner after the glow wears off.

19. Checked out. You stop checking in with your partner, and have checked out of the relationship, instead.

20. No P.D.A. There’s a “no public (or private) display of affection” policy, and the Department of Affection is closed for the day.

21. Guilt energy. “It’s always something…some crisis comes up!” and there’s not much funnin’ and foolin’ around since the work of raising kids is never completely done.

22. Worry wart. Everyone’s focused on loudly playing that good old…worry song.

23. Sex is work. Sexual play has become sexual work, and initiating sex is dreaded for fear of rejection.

24. Role modeling vs. talk muddling. One day will your kids grow up and want a marriage like the one they’ve seen role modeled by you and yours?

25. Feeling unimportant. Feelings of guilt and anger preside over the need for receiving simple signs of positive attention.

26. Clamming up. Whether you are introverted or extroverted, you clam up and don’t feel safe to speak your mind without fearing an angry uprising.

27. Senseless arguing. We make the same tired points and counterpoints that don’t get you anywhere productive or useful.

28. Having any fun, yet? You and your partner aren’t having much fun at all, not feeling at ease vs. dis-eased, hurrying too fast to get to nowhere land.

COUPLE PLEASURING VS. COUPLE POUTING

The opposite of couple pleasure is couple pouting. There’s no way you won’t get frustrated when your adult needs for closeness, companionship, growth and change are thwarted by the self-defeating actions of unintended neglect.

Why talk about a solution to couple suffering, or doing the “couple fix” just once such as a prescribed “date night,” and then stop finding ways to have fun together again. No doubt raising kids is hard…staying loving while raising healthy kids is even harder.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and author from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He is the author of Talk to Me, Taking the Fear Out of Changing, and No Hard Feelings. His mission is to help companies and couples develop positive and effective communication skills for work and home using the “Talk to Me” program.

Are you REALLY always right? If you want to slip out of taking responsibility for something important that came out of your mouth when you felt frustrated or mad, just say: “Hey, I was only joking! Don’t take it so seriously. I was just teasing ya’. It’s nothing personal!” Slippery speak is when a speaker passive-aggressively makes excuses for mean-spirited words or actions so they can’t get caught red-handed and held personally responsible.

I DON’T DO IT ALL THE TIME

Legalistic and psychological arguments abound in the world of talk today. “BUT I don’t do it ALL the time!” is slippery speak because frequency of occurrence is used as an argument. That’s like saying, “Hey, but I don’t lie ALL the time so why are you getting on my case?!” Or picking apart or quibbling with a good point, by saying: “That may be what you heard, I can’t argue with that, but that’s not what I said!”

MAKING SLICK EXCUSES TO EXCUSE REPEATED FAILURES

Making slick excuses to excuse repeated failures is one of the biggest communication flops being perpetuated today. People seem so keen at getting out of being the blame, that needed positive changes are cut off at the knees just when the whistle blows for the change race to begin. Are these some slick talking tricks you might hear at work, school or home today?

1. I didn’t mean it like it sounded!
2. I was just joking!
3. Can’t you take a joke…I was just ribbin’ ya’!
4. Give me some credit, why don’t ya?!
5. I am constantly trying to do the right things for our relationship!
6. There you go again picking on me.
7. C’mon…I’m not THAT bad!
8. I know that…you’re repeating yourself.
9. No, I don’t want your sympathy.
10. I think it could’ve been worse.
11. I couldn’t help it.
12. I thought it would be neat and make you happy.
13. I would have been better off, not saying anything.
14. You try to make me out to be a terrible person.
15. I don’t get that…maybe I’m dumb or not as smart as you!
16. I don’t get that everything revolves around you.
17. You’ve got to admit…
18. It’s not as bad as before.
19. BUT that’s a FACT!
20. I’m so busy solving everyone’s problems–I don’t have time to solve my own.
21. You’re making this sound SO really BAD and awful.
22. That’s not what I was saying!
23. You’re doing a good job of backing me into a corner.
24. You’re trying to make me pick sides which I won’t do!
25. You can’t compare the two…it’s like comparing apples to oranges.
26. I have to live with what you give.
27. What can I do about IT?
    
28. You’re never satisfied, so I can never do enough to ever please you.
29. It wasn’t ME!
30. IT wasn’t MY fault!
31. What did YOU do now?
32. Where are you coming from?
33. You don’t have to ACT so mad!
    
34. I didn’t do IT!
35. Where have you been?
36. But I don’t do it all the time!
    

HOW TO GET OUT OF BEING BLAMED FOR ANYTHING

You, too, can make fools of others by blowing the smoke of confusing rhetoric around the communicator table to confuse matters AND mess with minds. So Mr. or Ms. Rebel, do you now know how to talk your way out of any noose you find hung around your neck? Use these “bad communication rules” to get out of being blamed for anything:

• Don’t be honest.
• Don’t make a commitment that you plan to keep.
• Set a crisis fire or set off an explosion to distract attention away from changes you need to make.
• Holler loud and proud…disrespect others…throw your unhealthy anger around like a heavy-weight.
• And be sure to go for the emotional jugular!

GOING FOR THE EMOTIONAL JUGULAR

After all, they had it coming, didn’t they? Gosh knows it’s not your fault. You didn’t mean to…you didn’t intend to…but if you did intend to you didn’t mean to harm anyone even when they were hurt by your actions or inactions.

You deserve to delight in the power of positive communication to leave your resentments, rejections and unsolved problems behind in the rearview mirror of your life as you travel down the two-way communicator highway. Sure, you may get blamed by another driver every now and then BUT you won’t run out of gas or loving passion!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. Let’s take “playing by the rules” as a fun example. Empathizers or E-types expect others to make the rules, while Instigators or I-types expect others to play by the rules they make. Likewise, take “grudge matches or grudge keeping.” E-types daily wipe their slate clean which can create co-dependency, while I-types keep accounting records of rights vs. wrongs that can lead into a co-dependency. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace or family space by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace or relationships and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

How do you get men to talk openly to you in a marriage? How do you get any partner to warm up to hot talk?

As “the communications guru” when it comes to good communication, I know some smooth moves to encourage men to talk and open up vs. shut down or shut up. Saying “We’ve got to talk!” shuts men down faster that a teen-age rabbit on Starbucks. Or even more rude and crude, “Dear, we’ve got to talk NOW!” (You tell me I’ve gotta do something, like talk to you at the snap of your fingers, and I will go off and do the opposite just to prove that I’m a free agent.)

A FOUR-LETTER WORD GUYS LOVE…TALK

Guys are great communicators, and we love to talk up a storm. (Stop snickering, sweetheart!) We know that our partners just love to listen to us open-mindedly, non-judgmentally and without picking at our flaws until we guys feel raw and bleed. Who’s responsible for “making men talk?” Well, both partners are 50% co-responsible for making good talks happen, aren’t we?!

After all, guys are quite fond of MANY four-letter words that end in “K”…like TALK. And we know that everyone enjoys good talking…all night long IF. IF guys are slowly put in the mood for emotional connection, contact and intimacy.

Ladies, here’s how to make a guy get psychologically naked with you NOW. ..and want to do it again and again and again. (Hey guys, listen up! I’m going to tell the ladies that they ought to get all naked so we can really talk. Let’s call this “doing the naked talk…talking openly about anything!”) After all, ladies, you know that your guy really, really wants to please YOU above anything else. You do know this, true?

SO LET’S GET PSYCHOLOGICALLY NAKED…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…AND TALK FOR A CHANGE

Wife says to lucky husband: “I realize that you WILL do anything for me, and that you believe that anywhere, anytime, is a good time to talk to me.”

Husband thinks fast: (Oh, shoot, she’s been hitting the sauce again or drinking too much java. No worries, though, because maybe I’ll get lucky tonight.)

Husband analyzes this some more and says: Well, yeah, sure sweetheart. I’d do about anything for you, you know that. BUT tell me exactly a little bit more what you’re specifically referring to when you say that I’d do anything for you. Exactly, what, did you have in mind…specifically?

Positive wife says to suspicious husband: Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it, really, I swear. Nope, nothing at all. I just think you’re a terrific communicator, that’s all. I hear all those horror stories about how terrible men are at the simple act of communication…how most guys are cold and frigid…and well, why I just thank my lucky stars for you. You care so much about me, and my happiness. Don’t you?

Husband thinks even faster now and smoke begins to come out of his ears: (Oh snap, she’s gone out and bought something that’s really, REALLY expensive without consulting me. How do I handle this one? How do I get her to take it back, whatever IT is that she’s gone out and bought on a whim or impulse, without getting into a big ruckus or noisy racket that will end up with me getting the cold shoulder in bed when I want to romp?)

Husband strategically says: Well honey, you’re a great communicator, too. Personally, I don’t know any guys who get complimented by their wife for being good in the talkroom and able to carry on a decent conversation around the communicator table, too. Also, I sure am glad I don’t always have to agree with you. You don’t make me do anything against my will or make me perform “guilt talk.” I’m glad we can disagree without hammering each other over the head with the blunt instrument of our viewpoint. You don’t badger me, or make unilateral decisions without consulting me. Right? Right on! Am I right, or what?

Confident wife responds instead of reacts: Of course you’re right…you’re always right. In fact, you’re absolutely right, almost always never wrong. You would never put me off by saying, “Why would you say something like that!” Or, “Why did you go and do such a stupid thing!” I know you don’t ever believe there’s something flawed about me…what I’m feeling…what I’ve independently decided to do. In fact, I don’t have to be perfect to be loved by you because you love me just the way I am. Am I telling IT like it is between us in our positive relationship, or what?

Increasingly bewildered husband scratches his head as if he lice-infested and self-talks VERY rapidly: (Well, this is even worse than I thought. She’s not tipsy or high on caffeine. She’s not overspent our budget…she’s gone out and had an affair! Geez!! There’s no way she would be THIS NICE to me unless she’s trying to hide something or get me to do something I don’t want to do…ya know, trying to control me. Who’s she playing around with? Fred or Frieda next door? This is ridiculous. The only other possible scenario is that she’s been reading that dumb book again by Dr. O’Grady called, oh what is that stupid title…”You’ve Got To Talk To Me or I’ll Make Your Life Absolutely Miserable Until You Beg Me For Mercy Which I Won’t Give.” Well, it’s something like that. Now I’ve got to go easy and act totally unphased now.)

Cautiously husband proceeds through the four-way stop sign: “Um, I don’t know what to say except, “Tell me more about why you say that!”

Wife in a chipper mood continues: O.K., you respect me and love me deeply. I know when we don’t get along that that really bothers you…even makes you feel like a whopping failure the size of Arkansas. BUT you don’t fail me or disappoint me like that. Sure we miss the communication mark sometimes, but it’s not for lack of trying or caring. You are always optimistically trying to ENCOURAGE vs. DISCOURAGE good talking. When I tell you that I feel “awful” you remind me that I’m “awfully good” and even “awesome.” Because you are SO important to me, you have the power to bring my mood up or make my mood come crashing down to the ground. I know that doesn’t sound very independent, but emotionally I feel very closely tied to you, so I don’t mind being really open and vulnerable with you. Life’s sort of like a sack race, isn’t it? Each of us has one leg in the gunny sack as we race along and laugh across the course and collapse in a satisfied heap when we cross the finish line.

Husband anxiously chimes in: I’m not sure I get the sack cloth metaphor here…

Wife overtalks her husband: Moreover, I know that you will walk to the end of this planet (and back) to please me. And I know that you know that I can make your life completely miserable by what I say and do or don’t say and don’t do and oh, how you don’t ever forget that fact or try and take advantage of my good nature, right?

Husband is starting to get warmed up and getting in the mood to talk now: What are you saying, what do you mean? I suppose both of us are saying to “just give talk a chance”…and to gladly tell “the naked truth”…to self-disclose what we’re really feeling…to “scream for joy and let it all out!” Yeah, I’m happy that we can be open about what we really think or feel without sugar coating or putting each other down. Hey, now, no one said talk is all-ways easy…it takes some chutzpa…but we are good lovers of sizzling talk!

Wife purrfectly purrs: You’re the best, Tiger. I love it when you talk to me that way. Ya’ get me all worked up. Now where were we? Are you ready? I don’t want you to feel pressured. So, we don’t have to talk…and that’s NOT to say we can’t have a quick talk because “We’ve got to talk all night long!” BUT do you wanna do it for a little while right now while the kids are asleep?

Wife turns on the passion: Moreover, you know that I will hold you close after we talk and not just walk away, treating you like some talk object. You turn me on so when we talk! No, you can count on me to treat you respectfully! I want you to feel happy and satisfied and to fullfill all of your fantasies.

Husband impassioned: Yeah, I believe in the naked truth, too. Total emotional honesty. To self-disclose what we’re really feeling without blaming or shaming each other in ways that shut us up from telling a truth we don’t want to hear but need to hear and use.

Wife/Husband: I’M SO glad we can be open about what we really think or feel without playing mind games and blaming each other and frustrating each other and avoiding meeting needs. Let’s get busy! Hey, now, no one said talk is all-ways easy…it takes some chutzpa! I LOVE DOING IT (TALKING) WITH YOU!!

(Curtain closes)

GUYS ARE GOOD AT NAKED TALKING…WHICH MEANS?

SO the goal of the good couple talk or effective marital communication is to have a good, two-way talk romp that is satisfying to both talk partners. Talk that is open, honest, tell-all-hide-nothing truce, emotionally genuine, mature and non-blaming, vulnerabilities are safely aired, trust in the truth is high, put downs are rare, both parties learn something new about self and other and continue growing and changing…and everyone feels pretty good afterwards.

An effective couple knows “IF you don’t have anything nice to say…It’s best to say anything honest that move talks forward!” Good talking releases tensions in couples, and saves them a visit to the divorce courtroom time and time again.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist that believes a great deal of defensive non-talking is a lack of commitment to The Relationship Rules of Positive Talking that couples thrive on when used. These “talk rules of engagement” reduce the chances that you or your partner will be curt, defensive, avoiding, silent, disrespectful, blaming, blow you off splitting the two of you apart, withholding, lying and distorting, avoiding commiting to good talking, fearful, sullen, a poutercrat, counter-defensively angry, name calling, distracting, off putting, resentful, shut down, walled off, driven up a wall, up a creek without a paddle, retreat to a dank cave, walk on a tightrope with fire on one side and ice on the other, in a tizzy, whew!! and all that other relationship jazz that has as its core purpose the disguising of emotions instead of disclosing them openly to a trusted partner. Dennis’ book on useful communication strategies is called TALK TO ME. (The title isn’t YOU HAVE TO TALK TO ME…OR ELSE.) He believes that good talk is an act of social intercourse that works best when men are put in the mood to talk, and using “talk foreplay” to slowly build up to the main act that should be a satisfying interplay to both parties.