Touch Today

Normal folks know that touch isn’t supposed to hurt but help. There’s something comforting and validating about appropriate adult-to-adult touch of a genuine nature…it says more than words can say sometimes. It’s not a crime to touch people in caring and positive ways that are meant to foster relationship connection vs. disconnection…especially when we tire of the struggle of solving problems that come one after the other. Will you shy away from warm appropriate touch because of all the “hands off” messages most of us are receiving today?

DO EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATORS TOUCH MORE OFTEN THAN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS?

Do people touch differently based on their communicator type? Yes, they do, Frodo! Empathizers (E-types) use touch to display affection…while Instigators (I-types) use touch to restore order. E-types touch as a way of saying, “I care about you as a person.” I-types touch as way of saying, “I believe you can do it.” Either way, non-verbal touch sends a powerful and positive message when used effectively and comfortably to energize relationships vs. manipulate people.

THE POSITIVE TALK OF TOUCH

Here’s my list for you and yours to focus on the remarkable healing powers of “touch talk” that wise communicators DO so well without realizing it:

1. SHAKE HANDS WITH FEELING. Pay attention to the next hand you grab … feel the warmth of the soul that resides in that skin.

2. TENDER TOUCH. When you finish a business meeting with someone little or big… just lightly touch the persons’ forearm as you smile wide and say adieu.

3. DON’T ACT AGGRAVATED WHEN YOUR PARTNER HUGS YOU. Better yet…go over and hug your partner compassionately…your partner won’t end up in the emergency room from shock, will he/she?

4. DRAG A COMB ACROSS YOUR HEAD? Make this a “be kind to my face” day when you go about grooming…comb your hair with sincere appreciation for having any hair at all to comb and shave with a little long, lost empathy added in.

5. SLAP A BACK. Slap a back out of sheer joy for knowing someone you feel close enough to do just that…not as a power statement of rank you Instigator (I-type) communicators!

6. TOUCH-O-MATIC. Let me state the obvious now: Stop making touch(ing) or not touch(ing) an automatic reflex that is meaningless.

7. LONELINESS. Do you concur with me that the depth or lack of emotional appreciation in our interpersonal world is SO deep and profound that a little touching works wonders?

8. INTERACTIONAL PHYSIOEMOTIONAL INTIMACY. I just thought such a “brainy” sentence sounded really good (Hi, my dear I-types!) but the rule is that physical closeness begets emotional connection which forms a circle of growing emotional closeness…and so on. Scooby, dooby-do. Sexual intimacy is of a different ilk altogether.

9. THE EMOTIONAL RACK. Couples who don’t talk…couples who don’t touch…couples who don’t feel close…couples who don’t engage in sexual interplay…couples who are dulled by all work and no play…are stretched on an emotional rack and drying out and dying inside. Why should that include you?

10. USE VOICE TONE TOUCH. Leave voice mails that reach through the lines and “touch” the listener with a good feeling or a smile or a simple chuckle. You can do it!

PLANET TOUCH

We’re all pretty lonely, anxious and scared on Planet Touch. I know I am and I’ve got it all! Sometimes, a simple touch confirms what we all need to know, namely, that we aren’t ALL alone and lost in an overwhelming world of emotions that we want to run away from and use anything as an escape. But are you touched, or what? Make conscious touch a part of your life today.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the grate-full author of a proven new communication theory found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.

Spurring Yourself On To Change

A recent relationship communications client and new convert to the concept of embracing change initially had this to say about the miracle of change: “Change is a daunting task. I don’t stick through and finish things. Why can’t change be easier? I ignore problems and dig my own hole and then walk right into it. Once I’m in my hole it feels comfortable, like a foxhole in a war, so I don’t venture out of it out because I feel boxed in with fear!”

THE POWER TO CHANGE

Despite protestations to the contrary, most of the time we are our own worst enemies when it comes to change. How? We are too passive about what we have the power to change in ourselves OR we ignore the “elephant in the room” through denial (that is, until the elephant stampedes right through the garden of our status quo). Then we moan: “Oh, why does this always happen to me?”

NEW INSIGHTS POLL: HOW WELL DO YOU ACCEPT CHANGE?

Intelligent people are voting at the New Insights poll because they know their voices and opinions will be heard, counted and valued. How well do you accept change if you were given the three choices below? Do you accept change at work or home in ways that flow or block your potentials and new opportunities? Do you handle change differently in different life spheres, such as partnering vs. parenting? Do you block, deny, distort or ignore signs of fear or frustration that “it’s time for a change?” Here are my readers’ group responses to my change poll:

Choice #1: I LIKE CHANGE……..59.38%

Choice #2: I HATE CHANGE……..31.25%

Choice #3: I LOVE CHANGE….…..9.38%

If you don’t want to make it hard on yourself, be a student and professor of change for a change. One thing is certain to occur in your life…like or loathe it…CHANGE HAPPENS!

DO YOU HAVE A LIKE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH CHANGE?

Apparently, we have a LIKE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH CHANGE. Few of us “love change,” which is no surprise. People tend to LIKE the changes they can control, but they HATE the changes that are forced on them or out of their control. There are five fears to face down (Fear of Unknown, Fear of Failure, Fear of Commitment, Fear of Disapproval, Fear of Success) and five stages to travel through before you reach the city of Joy (all of this is discussed in my handbook: Taking the Fear out of Changing).

WHAT DO CHANGE EXPERTS KNOW ABOUT CHANGE THAT WE DON’T?

People who respect and learn from change are what I call “change experts.” They pay attention to the dynamics of change. Here’s what they know:

1. PEOPLE DIG THEIR OWN HOLES. Who better to dig your own hole than you? Let’s not be melodramatic, though. You dug your own hole…you walked up to your own hole that you dug…you walked right into the hole that you dug…you feel trapped at the bottom of the hole you dug…you are going to whine or complain about being in the hole that you dug…you are going to get ‘comfortable’ being in your hole…you are going to pessimistically believe that getting out of your hole will just mean that you will dig another hole a few feet away from the original hole and jump into it so why bother leaving this perfectly good hole that you’re already in?

2. MAKE ME MAD. When people consistently make you mad, then you are spurred on to change to reduce negativity and frustration.

3. IT’S YOUR FAULT. Blaming someone else (or anyone, self included) or something else for the state of your life, robs you of your personal power to change.

4. BUT I NEVER SAW IT COMING. The major symptom of the human ostrich who buries her/his head in the sand is, “Youch…I never saw it coming!” Truthfully, now, warning whistles often sound and give you a clue that change is in the winds.

5. WHAT’S MY ATTITUDE GOT TO DO WITH IT? Your positive attitude adds the “magical dust” that sprinkles your dreams with the miracle of change.

6. YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE. Believing you HAVE TO change will actually cause a reverse-psychology resistant-to-change mindset…you will dig in your heels to the status quo and stubbornly refuse to move ahead, like an old mule. That’s why you often hear: “You can’t teach old mules new tricks” or “I’m too young to change.”

7. DROP OFF THE GUILT CARGO THAT CAUSES STUPOR. Feeling guilty about anything will cause you to carry old cargo that weighs down your best efforts and makes you feel like Samson…robbed of inner strength when your hair (self-esteem) is snipped, cut down or betrayed in loving relationships.

8. USE AN INNER CIRCLE OF ADVISORS. I don’t know where I would be without the “neutral input” of my inner circle of advisors who often surprise me with their advice. For example, my recent book began as a book to “bump up your mood” until one advisor suggested … “It’s not about mood…it’s about communication…and relationship communication affects mood in a major way.”

9. ARE YOU ON A DEAD RUN ALL THE TIME? If you wait UNTIL you get it all done…or you’re the perfect person…you will end up waiting until your funeral comes.

10. CALL TO CHANGE. Genuine efforts to change are made when you become “emotionally aware” that what you’re doing isn’t effective or rewarding for this stage in your life.

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD OF CHANGE

Although you will be O.K. going down any change road you elect to go down—some roads are harder and some roads are easier. Change experts don’t mind “working in advance of rewards.” They constantly monitor the negative sides of fear and frustration to determine their impact upon their change goals. After all, change is all-ways a very personal thing…it’s your life…it’s a change world, after all.

LOOKS AS IF CHANGE IS A GOOD THING

It’s time to stop waiting for others to change what they won’t. Time to trust in the process of change, instead of fearing that change will make you a world-class clown or laughingstock. Self-dignity is respecting your needs to make your life better in caring ways through using change tools, right? Do you love change? Nah…but you CAN deal with change as positively and productively as possible to prove unconditionally that you love yourself!

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, founder of New Communications Insights, urges his readers to think about how many times a day they actually engage in change: they change clothes, change their minds, change batteries in run-down appliances and gadgets, change positions while watching TV, change their order at the lunchtime restaurant, change shoes, count change at the cashier and change their speed in accordance with traffic lights. See? Change CAN be easy! He’s also the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.”

Previous New Insights Communication polls have included “What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With?” … “Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?” … “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?”

I Can’t Relax Until I Get It All Done

Do you know people who are such driven perfectionists that they’ll say things like, “I’ve got too much to do to relax!” It’s a hallmark kind of comment, one that can drive perfectionists (and those around them) nuts. And although all work and no play can turn Jack and Jill into dull adults (or kids), that doesn’t make perfectionists elsewhere stop and smell the cut grass. So many times, perfectionists are prone to say: “After I get all my work done…and get all the project monkeys off my back…THEN I can relax and enjoy myself.” Sad part is…the time to relax never comes.

EMPATHIZING WITH PERFECTIONISM

The pressure to be perfect is primarily experienced as an “infernal internal pressure to get it all done perfectly in order to live in an ideal world.” Empathizer-type communicators, especially, are plagued with pressures to be perfect…the perfect child or teen, the perfect worker, the perfect spouse, the perfect friend, the perfect lover, the perfect shopper, the perfect eater. They’re driven to have the perfect body, be the perfect catch, be the perfect church family parishioner…ah puke. In contrast, Instigator-type communicators look for shortcuts and feel that “requirements” are simply “suggestions” rather than commands or commandments. Thus, I-types will get the job done the easiest way possible. In essence, they do less but enjoy life more.

PERFECTIONISM IS PERFECTLY INSANE

That’s why I sarcastically say: “Perfectionism is perfectly insane.” As a psychologist, I hurt every time I see a wonderful human being (child, teen, adult, elder) who is draining him- or herself with excessive demands to do everything right (now, if not yesterday).

In their minds, being perfect is a constant, negative talk pattern of displeasing the self. They must do everything faster better bigger. No mistakes. No exceptions. Don’t eat to much. Don’t swear. Don’t sweat the small stuff but none of it’s small stuff. Why aren’t I sleeping better at night? Why can’t I just let it go? What’s wrong with me? Is my depression coming back? Am I going to drive people away? Why do I have to do this when other people are working less? Why is everyone else goofing off more but enjoying life to the max!

THUS, PERFECT IS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH

Perfect is NEVER enough for a perfectionist. You can always strive to be better…you CAN always be better. Ironically, the harder you try to control the world through the vehicle of perfectionism and idealism…the behinder you will get in feeling good about your life. Perfectionism keeps your mind ever busy, always thinking in dead-end circles. Perfectionism makes it hard to relax as you become more dissatisfied in your personal life, your work life, your spiritual life. When you drive to the city of Perfectionism, you can only get closer but you never arrive in a place called Peace.

SYMPTOMS OF THE PRESSURE TO BE PERFECT

How do you know if you or someone you love is being driven nuts by the unrealistic need to create a perfect world? Symptoms of the “anxious drive to be perfect” are:

1. YOU SNAP EASILY. You find yourself getting angry about small things. Petty annoyances and irritations feel big as life, driven by: “I can’t enjoy myself until I get everything out of the way!”

2. FEELING DOWN. You feel blue, de-energized, listless, drained, helplessly hoping and feel cheated of enjoyment because: “I work like crazy to get it all done and then I feel pooped.”

3. “I’M A RELATIONSHIP DOWNER!” You believe that you are a weight around the ankles of your life partner, dragging him or her down just when he/she is just trying to enjoy life in the pool of pleasure.

4. “IT’S NOT FAIR!” WOES. You feel that others are working less and getting more out of their lives…and you’re right!

5. GRUMPY ATTITUDE. You get grumpy from cracking the whip over your back, and say: “It’s just not fair that I have to have all this piled on my shoulders. Why don’t other people I know worry about the big stuff or even the little stuff like I do? What am I doing wrong?”

6. INTERPERSONAL ISOLATION. You don’t interact socially as much as you used to. Work is valued above interpersonal relationships. For example, you don’t have “time to waste” by meeting with friends or talking with them on the phone because “I’ve gotta’ go now and get some things done because I’m running behind.”

7. “I TAKE THINGS TOO PERSONALLY.” You realize that you’re taking teasing comments TOO personally, and then feel bad about feeling bad and even feel angry because: “Why don’t you/they understand me…understand the ton of pressure that’s bending me under?”

8. ON-OFF MOOD. Your mood goes up and down like a roller coaster, and others don’t ask you to do things together as often for fear of hearing, “I’d like to, but I’m too busy to.”

9. “WHY AREN’T I HAPPY LIKE I USED TO BE?” Trying hard to be perfect automatically takes a toll on all those “tiny moments of joy that make up our lifetime.” We mishear a kids’ joke and parentally scold: “We’ve got to do BETTER around here and pick up our shoes for a change!” is the reaction…instead of a spontaneous laugh.

10. ‘WHAT IFFERS’ ARE WORRIED. You’re repeatedly hearing from a wide-range of caring friends and family members: “Is everything all right? What’s wrong? You seem so tense and uptight. You’ve got to take a chill pill. Is it something I said or did…because you seem so off your game, lately!”

11. CAN’T EVER RELAX. You can’t ever seem to relax. Even when you’re “supposed to feel relaxed,” you are making plans in your head and strategizing about what next group of tasks needs to be done by you.

12. FLAKE OUT. After a self-imposed, perfectionism-driven-maniac day in which you forget to breathe…your mind melts and you “flake out” by staring at the television, doing bills, overeating, falling asleep, or shamelessly scolding yourself for not getting more done in less time.

13. HAVE-TO-ISM. “I have to work like crazy to get it all done!” And, “I’m supposed to fulfill ALL of my obligations to the best of my abilities.” Or, “If I don’t do IT then IT won’t get done.” Or, “I can’t trust anybody to come through and do as good as job as I do!”

So do you work like crazy to get it all done? Then that’s how you’ll end up…crazy with self-induced tensions.

“WHEN IT ALL GETS DONE, THEN I’LL RELAX!”

Are you lying to yourself when you promise to relax once everything gets done? No, but that simple statement is a wrinkle-faced lie because it never all gets done…closer to done maybe, but done-done? No way, Jose. Whoosh…your life is gone then and you’re filled with post-mortem regrets.

WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL IT’S EASY TO RELAX

In your (perfect) mind, you are not over-working…you’re just working non-stop to get all the stuff done. BUT does this pressure to be perfect rob you and your relationship of enjoyment, pleasure and peace-filled existence or detract from your performance? Only if you allow your life to be driven to perfection. SO next time you say: “BUT I can’t afford to relax until I get it all done!?” remember this: You can’t afford NOT to!

DO LESS TO BE MORE

Just for today, put aside your “to do” list. Hey you, Empathizers, remember that it’s OK to “do less to be more.” And if you’re an Instigator communicator? Teach the E-types you love how not to take “assignments or requirements” as commandments that they must fulfill for fear of falling into the great abyss. Short story: Ask an E-type what you can do to help him/her out of stress and into relaxation today.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady thinks it’s perfectly OK to be self-critical enough to figure out if you are a perfectionist (and if so, chill out for a day, just to see what it’s like!). He’s the author of Talk to Me: Communications Moves to Get Along With Anyone and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.

Everybody’s Talkin’ At Me…I Don’t Hear A Word They’re Saying!

The Midnight Cowboy movie song lyrics, “Everybody’s talkin’ at me…I don’t hear a word they’re saying…!” doesn’t have to be your theme song as you stand alone at the end of the communicator dance. Most of us “shut up and shut down” or don’t express our inner selves because we believe that no one truly wants to hear what we think or feel anyway. That leaves us feeling disconnected, mad, hurt and disappointed, lonesome, alone, discouraged and filled to the gills with “Why even try!” negativism.

TALKING FACILITATES (NOT INHIBITS) UNDERSTANDING

Talking is supposed to facilitate, not inhibit, the open expression of your authentic inner self. You aren’t talked to but talked with. At the end of an effective, interactive talk, you’ve learned something new about yourself and your co-communicator, something that you can put to use to strengthen your relational bond. And you start feeling confident as you have a string of talk successes behind you.

HOW TO CREATE TALKS THAT WORK?

Here’s how to create talks that work and keep your head from spinning ‘round and ‘round:

1. Focus on one talk target. Talk Rule: Before you attempt to talk, tell yourself what the single goal is in order to keep the conversation simple and focused. Talk Time: “My goal is to talk about why I haven’t been talking much lately.”

2. Ask for talk time. Talk Rule: It’s not good manners to assume that someone is instantly available to talk to you. Talk Time: “Is this a bad (O.K.) time to talk?” If so, “When would be a better time for us to talk?”

3. Read the talk headline. Talk Rule: Calmly state the topic of talking in a “headliner” fashion that announces the big story. Talk Time: “I would like to talk to you about _____ (the kid’s grades). Would you be up for it?”

4. Take off change pressure. Talk Rule: Take the pressure off from you and your co-communicator to fix a problem prematurely. Talk Time: “This problem doesn’t need to be fixed right now.” Or, “I just want to brainstorm options to better understand what’s going on here.”

5. Parrot back. Talk Rule: Agree that the core message has been accurately heard in spite of disagreement. Talk Time: “I am hearing you say _____. Is that correct?” Or, “What are you hearing me say?”

6. Plug in. Talk Rule: Live by, “Honesty is the best policy.” Talk Time: “I don’t think I’m being honest with you.” Or, “I believe if I honestly tell you how I think or feel, you will tell me to ‘Shut up!’”

7. A win for all. Talk Rule: Suspend or postpone your talks when they become competitive tug-of-wars or inhibiting debates. Talk Time: “Endless debating won’t help either one of us.” Or, “A tug-of-war isn’t what we need right now.” Better is, “Let’s stop talking for now but keep being nurturing one another until we figure this out.”

8. Don’t throw sticks or stones. Talk Rule: Being a communication bully gets you nowhere when you get things off your chest but hurt your listener. Talk Time: “I don’t think I can control my temper. I need to walk away and cool off. Is that O.K. with you?”

9. Keep your head on. Talk Rule: When your head starts spinning from the speed of back-and-forth talking, slow down the train and think about what you are thinking and feeling. Talk Time: “My mind is racing so I need to slow down and think for a minute.” Or, “I’m feeling like we’re getting off track.”

10. Say, “Erase that.” Talk Rule: When your anxieties run high during tense talks, and you say something stupid, you can take back what you just said by saying, “Erase that! I want to take back what I just said.” Talk Time: “Erase what I just said. I spoke out of line and I didn’t really mean it.”

11. Brainstorm. Talk Rule: Brainstorm new options or ways of looking at stressful situations or difficult emotions and discourage lazy talk habits. Talk Time: “If we couldn’t fail, what would we do differently about this problem?” Or, “Let’s not put down any new ideas about change and keep our minds open.”

12. Grow it forward. Talk Rule: The payoff of effective talking is personal growth that makes room in relationships for the fresh air and sunshine of new insights. Talk Time: “What have we learned here that we can put to good use in the future?” Or, “How have we succeeded in little ways to strengthen our bond?”

TALKING ISN’T DUMPING FEELINGS

Talking doesn’t mean placing blame, making excuses or running away and hiding. Constructive talking means walking in the moccasins of a partner for a few miles.
There’s got to be a better way to talk—and a better relationship day to enjoy. Talk to win understanding. Talk NOW.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker and an executive-relationship coach, and the developer of a proven new communication theory found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.

Celebrating Your Life Today

How have you celebrated being alive today?

If God were to ask you: “How have you loved being alive today?” “Who have you touched with the grace of your smile?” “Are you grudge-full or grate-full?” “Have you seen me in our child’s beaming face?” “Do you work in the Church of Joy or the Church of Misery?” What would your honest answers be to these heart-hitting questions? Don’t allow yourself to be chained to a false prophet called negative thinking and negative talking. Start celebrating your life instead.

THERE’S NO BETTER TIME FOR JOY THAN TODAY

There’s no better time than today to tap into many, many, tiny moments of joy.

Celebrate the fact that you can’t change anyone but yourself.

Celebrate the awareness that you can make a new choice at any time.

Celebrate the reality that only you have the power to control your own mind.

Celebrate the wisdom of God, who keeps you safe and loves you unconditionally.

Celebrate the importance of having joy in this one life to live.

Celebrate the capacity to open your mind to new insights.

Celebrate finding ways to enjoy yourself despite failure.

Celebrate that you’re a fully feeling human being.

Celebrate being surprised.

Celebrate having faith.

Celebrate having friends.

Celebrate having another day to express who you are.

Celebrate bags of resentments dropping off like heavy rocks.

Celebrate revenge boomerangs being knocked away.

Celebrate accepting yourself after being rejected.

Celebrate the joys of partnering and parenting.

Celebrate starting, persevering, swerving, finishing.

Celebrate lives lost and lives bravely led.

Celebrate balancing a sour reality with your sweetest dreams.

Celebrate the healing power of a sincere apology.

Celebrate the mystery of creation.

Celebrate being forgiving in order to be forgiven.

Celebrate life by speaking words of caring when you don’t feel like it.

Celebrate any love you’ve ever been blessed to receive.

Celebrate a small child’s glorious intuitions.

Celebrate the wisdom of your elders.

Celebrate getting your anger out in healthy ways.

Celebrate life by trusting, risking and reaching out when there is no logical reason, whatsoever, to do so.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the grate-full author of a proven new communication theory found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.