Women Annoying Women

ANNOYING PEOPLE

Recently, Good Housekeeping writer Denise Foley interviewed me about how to talk back to annoying people in assertive ways. The tricky part: Talking back to an annoying person can cause conflict and can engender hard, stuffed-in feelings that result in cutting off the relationship. “I don’t have to take it, I want to give it back!” as a way of venting doesn’t work either. Getting the last laugh isn’t very funny, although that’s what all hurting people would like to do.

I’D LIKE TO GIVE HIM OR HER A PIECE OF MY MIND

Ah, how we all fantasize aggressively about “If I could have just given them a good piece of my mind, why I’d…!” Well, when your mind is fixated on fixing an annoying person, you’re draining your OWN energy? Trying harder to change someone than he or she is willing to change him- or herself, is akin to running over a bed of nails in your communicator car. As you tire loses air, your life energy goes out of you and your mood and dreams for peace of mind flatten like, well, flat tires.

WOMEN ANNOYING WOMEN

These examples are experienced by women talking to other women in “I win when you lose!” competitive ways. The O’Grady Change Maxims which follow are what I use as a psychologist to kindly remind myself to be response-able instead of over-reactive.

1. THE ONE-UPPER. If you got a $5,000 raise, she got a $10,000 raise. Her theme song is “Everything you can do, I can do better.”

Go Talk To Yourself: Trying to get even or be one-up, puts you behind.

2. THE BUBBLE-BURSTER. She’s always pointing out problems with any plan: “Really, you want to visit Paris? Do you have enough vacation days? How are you going to afford that?”

Go Talk To Yourself: No one can drive you up a wall without your consent.

3. THE SHRINK. You’ve barely met the woman and she’s already giving you personal advice based on what she learned in Psych 101 ten years ago.

Go Talk To Yourself: Psychocritiquing is practicing psychology without a license.

4. THE KNOW-IT-ALL. Whatever you say, she’ll correct you six times before you’re through, even on topics you know about and she doesn’t.

Go Talk To Yourself: A know-it-all knows next to little or nothing. I’m a know-it-little to keep open the lines of communication.

5. THE SNOB. With her, it’s a tone thing. For example, your rich friend says, “How nice you got such a deal at Costco. Personally, I can’t take the crowds, but that’s just me.”

Go Talk To Yourself: Anyone who hands you a manure sandwich and tells you it’s bologna, that person is full of baloney.

6. THE EEYORE. She’s always under a dark cloud and unless you steer clear, her rain will soak you, too. Negative attention is what she lives for.

Go Talk To Yourself: I don’t have to dance to the tune of anyone’s victim fiddle.

TALK GAMES ARE ANNOYING AND MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A GOAT ON A ROPE

You can keep your cool when the heat is on. Actually, what an annoying person thinks of you and your life choices are none of your business. A jerk just wants to jerk you around, sap your energy and make you frown. Basically, a jerk is into controlling your mind and emotions by handing you what they are too afraid to look at. My Change Maxims are pithy reminders that your energy is in your control, some of the time, like right now.

THE INNER JERK: KEEPING YOUR COOL WHEN THE HEAT IS ON

Who are you allowing to practice psychology on your mind without a license? Once I’m upset, I try to take a step back, and talk to myself in caring ways that give me some breathing room from my bad habit of “knee-jerk, me-jerk” reacting. Why feel furious and hurt over and over again? Why let yourself be led around like a goat on a rope by jerks? People talk like jerks. The “Inner Jerk” is a shame-and-blame twisted twit who breaks off good communication before it has a chance to get rolling. So get a good laugh or chuckle as you loosen the noose around your neck by poor communicators.

READ ALL ABOUT PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the father of three daughters, husband and communications psychologist who is licensed to practice psychology AND licensed to drive on the two-way communicator highway. If you would like driving instructions on how to keep your mood up around annoying and difficult people who want to feed off your energy like a vampire bat…then read “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Who annoys Dr. O’Grady the most of all people alive on the planet? Why Dennis annoys himself most of all, of course, and sometimes allows you to.

The Love Test

How compatible are you with your romantic partner? As a communications psychologist, I recommend being an honest, open, empathetic and genuine communicator. Case in point: Do you think of love differently than your partner? Answer these 12 questions with your Valentine’s Day sweetheart to discover what type of love each of you prefer. For each question, the correct answer is true or false.

IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS ROMANCE QUIZ

1. Intimacy means being appreciated as a separate person with unique interests.

2. The most successful couples set comprehensive yearly goals.

3. Dependency is unhealthy.

4. Accumulated resentment is the major threat to the survival of every loving relationship.

5. Passion results from building new changes and growth into tired relationships.

6. The best way to receive affection is to ask your partner to meet your needs.

7. Sexual intercourse is less important than talking and physical nurturing in strengthening bonds of love.

8. Most people are happy in their current relationships.

9. Anger can be a constructive emotion in love.

10. Pleasing your partner should be a priority.

11. Men think differently about communication and sexual issues than women do.

12. Power plays are a normal way to resolve differences.

ANSWERS & DISCUSSION

Make time to discuss these answers and talk about the additional questions and responses with your partner. Remember, love means being able to create a relationship through the vehicle of talking that is satisfying to you both.

1. True. Intimacy occurs when two strong identities interact cooperatively in one relationship. How do you encourage each other’s individuality?

2. True. The most common mistake couples make is to forget that relationships grow and change successfully when they’re aimed at a common goal. What goals would you like to accomplish this year as a couple? Goal-setting should occur in these areas: spiritual, financial, sexual, careers, and child rearing. You could set goals of obtaining a new home, improving your sex lives, starting an exercise program, or finding a church, for some examples.

3. False. There is such a thing as a healthy co-independency. It means trusting your partner to meet your needs and is one hallmark of confident relationships. Do you allow each other the freedom to make different choices to better meet interdependency needs?

4. True. Accumulated resentment is the emotion most responsible for destroying love and intimacy. Have you taken time this week to productively air gripes and let them go?

5. True. The most negative message for couples who want to foster a passionate relationship is, “Don’t talk about it.” Are any of your dissatisfactions or conflicts due to resisting positive changes?

6. False. Ironically, asking directly for needs to be met can come across to a partner as a coercive power play. A better way to get your needs met is to focus first on meeting the other partner’s needs. When both partners do this, there is cooperation, and each is satisfied. Do you know what your needs are, and are you able to have them satisfied without speeches, whining, or withdrawing?

7. True. Physical nurturing, plain talk, non-sexual touching and hugging or holding are some of the best avenues to express unconditional love. “Instead of take it out on your partner; talk about it!” is a good rule to live and love by.

8. False. Research indicates that more than half of us are dissatisfied about the quality of our current relationship and don’t know what to do about it. What can each of you do to make your relationship more satisfying?

9. True. Healthy anger can motivate needed changes. Unhealthy anger – characterized by such behavior as name-calling, stonewalling, and withdrawing – is unproductive and hurtful. When you tell your partner you are angry about a lack of time in your relationship and ask what can be done, you are engaging in healthy, focused anger aimed at solving a problem. Do you use anger constructively to promote changes?

10. True. Pleasing yourself and your partner about equally is an act of “healthy selfishness,” because he or she will want to please you back. Do you freely take as much as you give?

11. True. Men tend to think sex will solve problems, and women tend to think communication will. But there is a need for both in a healthy relationship, and each partner should be free to initiate both sex and communication. Men who initiate communication and women who initiate sex are more balanced in their roles. Do you talk concretely about ways to add individual pleasure to your relationship without laying on guilt trips?

12. False. Repetitive arguments that don’t result in concrete changes are bad habits that will break the back of your loving relationship. Are you free to do something different, when what you’re doing isn’t working?

LOVE TALK

How they say I love you in: France: Je t’aime. Germany: Ich liebe dich. Greece: Se agapo. Italy: Ti amo. Japan: Watshi wa anata gasuki desu. Spain: Yo te amo.

EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS

In short, by using my “Talk to Me” system you will learn that Empathizer communicators value talking about emotions to build bridges over chasms that separate lovers, while Instigator communicators value doing something to take their mind off from the painful reality that the relationship bridge has been blown to pieces. Not knowing who you are talking to by type is the cause of many avoidable talk collisions.

LOSING OUT ON LOVE DOESN’T MAKE YOU A LOSER

You deserve to be who you are – happy and respected as a partner. Don’t settle for less. Remember, both you and your partner are responsible for keeping romance, communication, and passion alive in your loving relationship, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP EXPERT, CORPORATE TRAINER AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Your number one customer is your talk partner, whether driving on the love or work communication highway. In fact, did you know that human resource surveys in successful companies list “better communication with managers and employees” as a key to teamwork? Well, you can go from a good to great communicator while driving on the two-way communication highway. Moreover, that’s why Dr. Dennis O’Grady became a communications psychologist, leadership communication keynote speaker and corporate trainer. Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s “Talk to Me” communication system provides the framework needed to help couples, families, managers and employees communicate more openly, effectively and productively. As a result, strategic decisions that result from “wisdom talking” are produced that benefit all members in the family or company. Just you try this new talk approach and see!

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow And Let Your Arrow Go…

Are you being a cupid…or stupid? New couples in the sizzling romantic phase of love don’t have to put much work into their loving adventure. But long-term lovers can get lazy. They can forget the big AND little things that keep relationships hot, and they can let good communication habits fall by the wayside.

Are you passing love by, or are you making your love last a lifetime? Are you being a Cupid or Stupid (especially when love has to survive difficult times)?

CUPID, DRAW BACK YOUR BOW AND…WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?

When I was a teen, singer Sam Cooke crooned these favorite and unforgettable lines in Cupid…

“Cupid, draw back your bow-oh …

And let your arrow go-oh …

Straight to my lover’s heart, for-or ME-eee.”

But how are YOU supposed to get to your lover’s heart? How can you keep your love alive? What to do when your love hits the wall or skids sideways on black ice in the wintertime of your love? How can you drive sanely and serenely on the two-way communication highway when there are roadblocks to good communication, detours, and accidents just waiting to happen?

ARE YOU IN A CONTROLLING, FRIENDSHIP OR A LOVING RELATIONSHIP? HOW CAN YOU TELL?

Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Then chances are you are an E-typer or Empathizer communicator. Do you mind and get really testy when things get emotionally messy? Then you’re probably an I-typer or Instigator communicator? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Don’t know your communicator type, or the communicator type of your partner or kid? Then you aren’t licensed to drive on the two-way communication highway; and accidents do happen.

There are three types of relationships, married or otherwise. In ascending order of maturity, they are: Controlling, Friendship, and Loving.

People move forward and progress from a Controlling Relationship…to a Friendship Relationship…to a Loving Relationship. I like to think of it as a “Love Ladder.” Just because you think you’re in love, doesn’t mean you are really in true LOVE. It depends on the type of relationship you’re in.

And according to my clinical experience, you can’t take a partner at one level and grow with him or her to the next level. It’s just not possible. The three relationship types are like the steps of a ladder. Which type of relationship are you in now?

In all my years of communications psychology practice, I have not seen anything like today’s push for love and loving relationships. More people than ever before expect to live and feel loved in a mutually advantageous, loving relationship. And the fields of psychology and communication have the technology available to make the dream of love come true if we pick a partner wisely and use smart communication moves.

Pages 112-113 in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone”

WHY “TALK TO ME” MAKES A PRACTICAL GIFT FOR YOU, YOUR LIFE OF LOVE AND LOVER ON VALENTINE’S DAY

Love, like good communication, is a gift, and if you haven’t figured out what to give your Valentine this year, why not give the gift of communication? The love-based communication system that I am championing can be found in my newest book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Now, hold on to your heart-mind because I DO want to sell you something. I want to sell you on caring for yourself. I want you to have a loving relationship toward yourself. I want you to think about giving others what you both need to get along well in this world. I want you to think about doing what you can to help your loving partner, even when a lover might not feel like giving you the time of day. To love others, you must first love yourself when times are tense and fear is chasing after you like a werewolf smelling a warm and juicy meal.

COME TALK TO ME

The “Talk to Me” communication system works. So I would like you to come by New Insights Communication between 9 a.m.-3 p.m. Wednesday, February 14th, to purchase your own copy of my book. Then, I sincerely hope you’ll read it and learn the system to achieve the “light went on” effect that I’ve written about.

I’ll personalize your book, too. Plus, you’ve got nothing whatsoever to worry about or lose. If you aren’t entirely happy with the results of the “Talk to Me” communication system…I’ll return your investment in getting along better with yourself (and others)–smile on my face when I see you. At the very least, I’ll be happy that you tried my “keep the lines of communication open.”

What a recent communications client said: “I can’t believe in just a few visits to you our “COMMUNICATION” is WONDERFUL. All the tools you gave us to work with we are still using. I feel happier, and our 30-year marriage, feels like we’re IN-LOVE again.”

And I’m bettin’ you’re ready to roll on down the road to get your happy back, too. Four minutes a day practice is all it will take for you to produce results that will quiet any doubts you have of being able to go from a good to a GREAT communicator.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

A communications training client of mine recently said: “Life is way too fragile, and way too short, to not be with the person or the people you love.”

I say it this way: Love is all that lasts BUT you may find love only to lose it IF you don’t use good communication habits.

ARE YOU STUPID ABOUT CUPID?

“Fix the problem, not the person!” is a rule of mine to encourage worrying less, pumping up your mood, making change happen fast and last, enjoying your life as you travel down the two-way communicator highway instead of groaning: “But are we there yet?”

NO, you’re not there. You are here to experience “peace of mind” instead of “give someone a piece of your mind.” In exchange for a few dollars, you gain a caring attitude toward yourself when the chips are down, and some cool new communicator moves that have been known to work wonders.

Thanks for taking a ride with me on the two-way communicator highway.

ABOUT PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist, corporate trainer and relationship counselor from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He provides keynotes and corporate training programs on the topics of positive and effective communication. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is Dr. O’Grady’s third book on the subject of strategic decision-making, change management and leadership communication.

Troubled Parent-Teen Communications

Troubled parent-teen communications are like trying to drive your car when the kids are fighting in the backseat. As you attempt to keep your eyes on the road and your mind on the tense conversation, you lose your cool and feel like a fool who has lost control. Plus, you’re mad that people aren’t following the rules you live by, and someone needs to be set straight. So do you smack a fellow passenger, or pull over and give him or her a piece of your mind, or quietly seethe inside.

ROAD SIGNS THAT THERE ARE NOT OPEN LANES OR LINES OF COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR TEEN

Poor parent-teen communication has certain off-ramp signs on the fast-moving two-way adult-teen communications highway. Some of these signs are obvious: talking with your kids about cell phone use, peer pressure, dating, driving, drug or alcohol use or sexual issues (including requiring a cell phone with a GPD tracking device) may pose problems:

1. Family arguments. The co-parents have yelling matches when differences of opinion occur.

2. An “I avoid controversy and relationship stress by going with the flow!” attitude. There is an “elephant in the room” that increasingly stinks as differences and healthy confrontation are avoided.

3. Or there is a constant battle between the parent and teen. Debates escalate while problem-solving takes a hike.

4. Each communicator scolds the other one for being a control freak. Interrupting, talking over, talking louder, and sounding like a broken record occur as a result of delivering the same lecture for the 1,000th time.

5. Mistrust and resentment. Emotionally feeling frustrated, hopeless and helpless after attempting “We’ve got to talk about it!” sessions. Not picking your battles carefully enough.

6. Broken promises. Positive change is promised but the promised results are not delivered upon on a constant basis.

7. Questions are reacted to as criticism. Attempts to talk feel like attacks, and talkers get mean and hit below the belt.

8. Logician magicians. Legalistic arguments and hair-splitting replace easy honesty.

9. An “I can’t talk to you!” dark cloud hangs over the home. “Take-away” discipline is done as the teen digs in his or her heels.

If you have to try really, really hard to talk, then chances are you can’t talk to your teen about major things without a battle that brings everyone down.

TALK TO YOUR TEEN

There are plenty of ways to talk rationally with your teen to teach problem-solving and decision-making skills. After all, instead of lecturing constantly, wouldn’t you instead prefer a teen who can find facts and make good decisions under pressure? So where to begin: First you must know if your teen is an Empathizer-type communicator who is afraid to speak up for fear of conflict, or an Instigator-type communicator who isn’t afraid to debate until the cows come home. Which type of teen are you talking to?

YOUR TEEN ISN’T CLUELESS, ARE YOU?

“There’s nothing effective I can do about it!” is nonsense. The reason teen talks are so difficult is because they often trigger YOUR unresolved issues from adolescence. When those issues/memories are triggered, you will activate the same tired lecture you were given as a teen that didn’t work very well for you, either. Being independent while remaining response-able in a family group isn’t for chickens.

LET’S TALK

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, communications psychologist and professional keynote speaker whose latest book is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” His articles on positive and effective communication strategies are available for free at www.drogrady.com. He is the father of two teenage daughters, and one pre-teen, all of whom can make him careen on the communication highway as if driving on slippery ice in spite of his best efforts to keep his eyes on the road. In his personal experience, Dennis has learned that teens call upon all of us to improve our communication skills in spite of our feelings of frustration or helplessness, feelings that aren’t resolved by driving like a control-freak maniac.

Do You Have A Bad Boss?

A bad boss creates very negative outcomes in the world in which he or she lives and works. In my powerful new communication system, 75% of leaders are Instigator-type communicators, or I-types. A good leader is a good communicator who improves steadily and readily every day. Although only 16% of bosses are “bad drivers” on the “two-way communication highway”…a bad boss can wear you down and make you frown and sow dissension and fraction in the team car and drive away your best people.

BAD BOSS, BAD BOSS, WHAT YA’ GOIN’ TO DO?

How to know when a beast of a boss stresses you, besets your self-esteem and wears you down until the light of your soul is dimmed:

1. Boyish or girlish charm. The bad boss can grin from ear-to-ear, and appear sort of funny and non-threatening at first.

2. Speaks strongly. The bad boss sounds super-confident and all-knowing, including the bad things that will befall you if you don’t go along with the program and toe the party line.

3. Loved or hated. The bad boss causes frictions and fractions that divide fellow workers who either extremely love and worship…or hate and revile the bad boss.

4. Takes credit where credit isn’t due. The bad boss is the first to imply that it was something he or she did or said that brought about the positive outcome by working cooperatively with people from all walks of life.

5. Shifts blame. The bad boss will glibly say “I’m responsible for…” but will also imply in the same breath that “I couldn’t help it!”

6. Speaks in platitudes. The bad boss will have you salute what isn’t working by bringing up “what’s right and what’s wrong” and “what’s good for the company and what’s a threat to the company.” Platitudes don’t allow talk latitude.

7. Plays favorites. The bad boss dispenses rewards to those who salute the status quo, and permits blame to be shifted to others.

8. Messes up. The bad boss creates very extremely negative outcomes, such as bringing down the company, couple, family, business, church, organization or making them go ’round and ’round from one crisis to the next battle.

9. Doesn’t like change. The bad boss will change a little bit when the heat is on or feeling pressured, then change right back to the way things were.

10. A “do more!” of what isn’t working approach. The bad boss will do more (escalate) of what’s not working in the first place. If over-spending is the problem, he or she will spend more. If talking down to others is the problem, he or she will belittle and argue more when not spied upon.

TRAITS OF THE GOOD BOSS

I-type leaders often tell me: “I only wish I had known about this communication approach sooner to keep lines of communication open. I’ve used my powers to create situations without recognizing what was going on. Now, I’m mindful and aware that I will create results either negative or positive if I don’t stay aware of the talk lanes I’m driving in.”

A good boss is effective and ethical and doesn’t change the rules of the game as he or she goes along. A good boss is a good communicator of honesty, effective listening skills that show respect for all people and problem-solving skills that benefit everyone.

“IF I WERE YOU I’D….”

A bad boss is perfectly comfortable thinking that they know how to run your life. Who knows, perhaps they do. However, your frustration is caused by a bad boss who also likes to hear him- or herself talk, browbeats others, always thinks he or she is “right,” kisses up to superiors while talking down to subordinates. And you know you’re right, don’t you? Colleagues or kids will tell you a bad boss (mate, teacher, supervisor, etc.) has a “You’re bad and I’m better!” attitude, makes empty promises, makes you feel stupid, moves things forward into the next hole, are pot stirrers, negaholics, and debaters to a fault.

CORRALLING THE BAD BOSS

So what can you tell yourself or do when you’re energy is being drained by a bad boss with the help of a big straw stuck in your skull? Well, you can “talk back” in your head using the “Talk to Me” communication system by using these sort of punchy attitudes:

  • “Good results are the all of everything!”
  • “I dare to care but I won’t be taken advantage of!”
  • “You can hang yourself, but I don’t have to hang with you!”
  • “That’s a road I don’t want to go on with you!”
  • “I don’t have to eat the manure sandwich you hand me!”
  • “I’m not a control freak but a peace freak who contributes!”
  • “Middle-of-the-road works better than going to extremes!”
  • “I don’t suffer from my own knee jerk, me-jerk reactions!”
  • “Perhaps the best decision for me is to stay away from you!”

YOU CAN HANG YOURSELF…BUT I DON’T HAVE TO HANG WITH YOU

You may have a “lemon” for a boss, and with any luck, you won’t have one for too long. In any case, most of us have “difficult people” in our life who are teaching us tough life choices and touchy life lessons. Bottom line: You get to choose the road you wish to drive your communicator car down. Choose your road carefully because some communication trips are more enjoyable than others. So make your life your full-time job, today!

ABOUT DAYTON, OHIO, COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady recommends that you choose your road traveled carefully because some communication trips are more enjoyable to go on than others. O’Grady shows you how the two types of communicators, Empathizers and Instigators, have completely different views of what makes the world go ’round or stop spinning altogether. As a custom, Empathizers don’t take “the easy way” … because E-types are prone to making life too hard for themselves now and then. In contrast, the Instigators aren’t accustomed to taking “the hard way” because I-types are prone to making life too easy for themselves now and then. Either way, positive and effective communication supports you in making decisions that move you down the roads you will find most pleasing to you at any given time in your life. Dr. O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and seminar leader, and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and Amazon now.