Let Freedumb Ring

There is a freedom that comes from being a “know-it-little.” It is the freedom to make a mistake, fix a mistake, change what isn’t working and do more of what works wonders to become the valedictorian of your own life class. Are you at the head of the class of first-class communicators? The “freedom to learn” is the “big dream” of the person who was born to do big things. The “need to be right” is the “little delusion” of the little person with a little closed mind playing Mr. or Ms. Big Shot.

PEOPLE WHO KNOW-IT-ALL DON’T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL

People who know-it-all don’t know anything at all. Habit #3 of highly effective communicators is to “be a know-it-little” because it makes you “listen up” and be “open-minded” to learning new things. It helps you “receive creative solutions” to stale old problems that have flummoxed you for eons. Here’s my logic about why being consciously “ignorant” is freeing:

  • If you always have to be right, you can’t ever be wrong.
  • If you can’t be wrong, you can’t admit to making mistakes.
  • If you can’t be curious about the mistakes you make, you can’t change anything.
  • If you can’t change anything, your past mistakes are repeated and re-created in the present day.

Needing “to be right” instead of “get the results you’ve promised” gets you stuck in a going-nowhere life of worry, dread and dastardly deeds run amok.

COMMUNICATION FREEDOM OR COMMUNICATION DETOURS?

Producing results, whether negative or positive, is what traveling on the two-way communication highway is all about. “Communication freedom” comes from the freedom to admit when you’re lost, and stop to ask for directions. Here is why and how detours are mentally taken:

1. I’m not good at accepting responsibility for my mistakes.

2. My first reaction is that somebody else is to blame, not me.

3. Every time I do something wrong, it’s spun around into “I’m the victim here so it’s not my fault!”

4. The reality I never want to accept is that I made a bad decision and am stupid.

5. When I only look at the short term, I make poor decisions that produce frustrating results in the long term.

6. If there is a problem, it’s always your issue.

7. What YOU think is so, ain’t necessarily so.

8. Why penalize me? I’m not going to do it again.

9. Things always work out pretty good for me.

10. I get off on a tangent that’s not relevant.

11. I’m so busy I don’t have time for my relationships, because I need to decompress on the weekends.

12. I don’t allow others to make me feel bad for what I didn’t have any control over and couldn’t help.

13. I dread talking about it and getting down.

14. I don’t have to fix a problem that isn’t my fault.

15. If I dislike a person’s attitude, I don’t have to listen to him or her.

Now that’s a fine kettle of fish. With this type of “It’s not my fault” communication disorder, it’s a wonder that we ever talk at all about how to change what isn’t working. Well, perhaps we can now!

SO SAY IT LOUD AND PROUD … “I’M HAPPY TO BE A KNOW-IT-LITTLE!”

Be a know-it-little. Yup, you got that right. Feel free to be dumb, real dumb. No, don’t play dumb so you can’t be blamed for something that’s gone wrong. Freedom comes from knowing what you don’t know…and being willing to improve yourself a little each day to be a better you.

I COULDN’T HELP IT

“I couldn’t help it because…!” is an excuse. Life isn’t about right vs. wrong, it’s about producing results that are positive or negative for you and yours. When you know everything, you don’t have to be curious about the unknown, and find novel ways to fix problems.

SICK THINKING

Sick thinking: IF you tell me what I want to hear, I will reward me. IF you agree with me, I will like you. IF I act confident, I will be popular. IF you disagree with me, you should change my mind. IF I play it safe, I won’t get into trouble. IF I don’t have to ask for outside help, I don’t sound ignorant.

FREEDUMB: THE FREEDOM TO FEEL DUMB

The freedom to feel dumb without chastising yourself, or “freedumb” as I’ve humorously nicknamed it, is at the heart of the freedom to learn. The freedom to learn opens up positive possibilities of change. Do you feel free to be in the “learner’s role” in learning to drive your communicator car, or are you “the adult supervisor” who is a know-it-all?

ALWAYS BEING RIGHT IS THE WRONG WAY TO DRIVE ON THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY…A LITTLE MORE ABOUT DAYTON, OHIO, PSYCHOLOGIST AND AUTHOR DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional psychologist and keynote speaker who is a change-me-first advocate. O’Grady contends that doing MORE of what doesn’t work is hard-headed and uneducated. Instead, his advice is to “dream big” about changing what doesn’t make you happy. Your head loses when you bang it against a hard wall, so does his, that’s why Dr. O’Grady wrote “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” He had the “freedumb” to inquire why everyone seemed depressed about not being able to get their real message heard. As a doctoral-level psychologist with 30-plus years of experience, O’Grady is beginning to learn a little more about what good communication is all about. Join him. Take up your “communication freedom” to be dumb without feeling shamed-faced about getting a little better at the art of communication every day. Doing more of what doesn’t work–simply doesn’t work any more. Don’t be part of that popular group of people who know-it-all…but don’t know anything at all. Refuse to hold tight unto an anchor while complaining about drowning. Start doing your thinking for a change. Stop allowing others to write their messages in your mind. Become the leader of your own life.

Believe YOU, it’s true!

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, BUSINESS CONSULTANT, RELATIONSHIP COACH, SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady knows you will love what happens when you use the habits of highly effective communicators to have highly positive and productive relationships. His research has involved the two communicator types that talk to you from four typical places. Know who you’re talking to by type, and with a little practice, you will be talking more effectively to everyone you come into contact with. O’Grady’s book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is available at his Web site and at Amazon. You no longer can afford being a poor communicator!

Why Do You Always Have To Be Right?

Imagine a conversation between a teen and a parent that goes as follows. Teen says: “Why do you always have to be right?” Parent responds: “I don’t always have to be right!” Teen: “Yes, you do…it has to be your way or the highway.” Parent: “No, I don’t…we can agree to disagree and not fight about it.” Teen: “But if I don’t tell you what you want to hear, you get all mad and stop talking to me.” Parent: “Shut up! That’s not true…let’s not talk about this anymore.” Teen: “So I should just shut up, eh?” Parent: “Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice.”

THE COMPASS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

If you can’t ever be wrong, you can’t ever learn anything new that would prove VERY useful to your troubled relationships. The ability to stand back and self-reflect is a core communication skill, one that serves as a “compass of good communication.” It isn’t about “right vs. wrong,” as many mind-suckers and spirit-warpers would have you believe. It’s about what does and doesn’t work to promote peace and goodwill toward all communicators in the family. Tragically, if you can’t get along with yourself, you will have fights that are always “the fault” of everyone else.

TURN THE TIDE OF YOUR NEXT FIGHT FIASCO

Here are core beliefs that tough-minded I-type communicators use to feel right about being right. I recommend that all E-type communicators adopt these during intense relationship disputes when the heat is turned up and you know your instincts are true as true North.

1. I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING

2. I’M NOT AFRAID OF CHANGE BECAUSE CHANGE IS MY MIDDLE NAME

3. PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS THINK THEY’RE IN THE RIGHT ARE WRONG

4. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME FEEL BAD UNLESS I THINK ABOUT IT

5. I DON’T HAVE TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT BEING IN THE WRONG

6. I DON’T NEED TO BE FORGIVING

7. I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT

8. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE?

9. I DON’T HAVE TO BE NICE WHEN I’M SHOVED AROUND

10. I DON’T HAVE TO THINK WHATEVER I’M TOLD TO

Shucks, you don’t have to know everything.

THINK YOUR OWN THOUGHTS FOR A CHANGE TODAY

Here are a few effective ways to think about being “right” or being “wrong”:

  • I don’t have to think what I’m told to
  • I don’t have to be right when it costs me peace in my relationships
  • If you can’t stand back and think about yourself–all you will end up thinking about is yourself
  • The push to be right surely causes most conflicts

Why do you all-ways have to be right? Well, you don’t. You don’t have to have the last word to feel in control. Getting the last laugh isn’t very funny! Do step back, and take a good, long look at yourself. You don’t have to twist yourself into a human pretzel any longer.

PULLING OUT ALL THE EMOTIONAL CARDS: EMPATHIZERS VS. THE INSTIGATORS

Now about your talk type: Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) go along to get along and doubt if they’re in the right. Instigator-type communicators (I-types) don’t go along to get along and rarely doubt if they’re in the wrong. An Achilles Heel of Empathizers is that they feel they must get along with everyone all the time, no matter how unreasonable everyone is being at the time. On the other hand, Instigators may not bend when doing so opens new doors and windows of change.

IF YOU HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING, YOU CAN’T LEARN ANYTHING

Check out my reasoning why you have every reason to relax and enjoy not needing to be a “know-it-all” and a “do-it-little”:

  • If you have to know everything, you can’t ever be wrong.
  • If you can’t ever be wrong, you can’t ever learn anything new.
  • If you can’t learn anything new, you can’t change.
  • If you can’t change, you can let go of what isn’t working, and grab hold of what works better.
  • If you can’t solve problems, then your problems keep repeating over and over again while you criticize yourself for not getting past the past.

This logic is killin’ me!

YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE ALL THE TIME

Being right or wrong isn’t what life is about. Life is about being able to take an honest look at yourself, improve your weaknesses, and hone your strengths as you come on home. DO admit to being wrong…it won’t kill you. In fact, it will show you have faith and confidence in the forces of life that keep us growing and changing in spite of all the odds against us.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND SPEAKER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and psychologist and author of three books, the latest which is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady believes that if you are an I-type, you can argue until you get your way which will waylay many of your most valuable relationships. In contrast, if you are an E-type, you may be so afraid of conflict that you don’t stick to a good point long enough to get your way. Believe what you want, but communicator differences DO make a whale of a difference in the way you live, learn and love. Do you know your type and what type of talk your type prefers? And why do we fear the unknown so much? Why do we all fear not knowing the answer…of not knowing what next will come to pass…of not knowing what next response will keep us in the seat of control? It’s just a human being thing!

Disturbed By Insecurity?

A number of recent news articles have zeroed in on insecurity among chief executive officers (CEOs), such as one titled, “Could insecurity be the secret to CEO’s success?” This USA Today Money section article by Del Jones ran with the subtitles: “Some execs say paranoia keeps them on their toes” and “Some CEOs say insecurity has made them work hard to prove themselves” (02/01/07 USA Today).

Excuse my cynicism. But does this help you feel better about CEOs who, on average, earn in one day what you earn in an entire year (or several)? Who ought to feel insecure here? Anyway, I think the article unintentionally missed the bus on several key points.

WHAT IS INSECURITY?

I know how insecurity works from the inside-out as a 30-year-plus communications psychologist and innovator of the “Talk to Me” strategic leadership communication and decision-making system. I’m also a CEO and family business coach. Ya’ wanna talk insecurity? Do take a minute with me to define first what insecurity is…a negative thought or feeling? Here you go, all of us who feel disturbed by insecurity.

1. The Werewolf Effect: The eerie feeling that you are being hunted down and chased by an out-of-your-control creature who is breathing down your neck.

2. Hyper-Dog: Always on the run with the big dogs, rushing and flitting from pillar to post to get things done perfectly but feeling like a Chihuahua.

3. Fear of Loss: “There’s never enough of (fill in the blank)” cooperation, time, money, talent, luck, understanding, common sense, good leaders, etc.

4. Shame-Faced: Just never feels comfortable in his or her own skin, or that all will be O.K. if he/she doesn’t huff and puff or blow down someone else’s house of self-esteem.

5. Always Nervous Inside: Smiling on the outside, while crying on the inside like a clown.

6. Only Half-Listens: Has trouble trusting, and listening to or benefiting from, negative feedback.

7. Good Soul: Although pained, perplexed and in agony like the rest of us mortals, is more like a childhood carcass whose guilt-laden past keeps the good soul inside from performing at peak levels.

8. Hoarding Mentality: Is likely to give more importance to things or tasks instead of people, and because of paranoia, will keep critical, problem-solving information to himself/herself.

DRIVING HARD TO ACHIEVE DRIVES US ALL WHERE?

Insecurity, in short, wreaks havoc in our relationships with others and our own relationships with the inner child. It’s characterized by this inside-the-skull self-talk: “I’m not going to survive if I don’t push really hard to prove that I can do it in spite of all obstascles and odds!” Psychologically, good luck to us all who seek to right the wrongs of our collective boyhood or girlhood pasts through driving hard to achieve.

WHO ARE THE INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR LEADERS OR I-TYPE TALKERS AMONG US?

For people who are Instigator Communicators, the typical Achilles heel is this personal trait: “Is disturbed by insecurity.” A snapshot of an Instigator Communicator, which according to my Dayton 2005 Leadership Study (p. 132) includes 75% of our leaders today, is as follows:

  • Is disturbed by insecurity
  • Takes pride in pushing hard for own personal needs to be met
  • Has high self-esteem most times, but can feel unlovable
  • Lacks confidence in dealing with emotions and emotional losses
  • Keeps score and likes numbers: “I’m trying to make a point here!”
  • Possesses this self-concept: “No one knows the real me or how I truly feel.”
  • Accepts as truth this concept: “I’m not as good as I look like I am.”
  • Remains calm in a crisis
  • Works hard for company and global objectives
  • Is a big believer in: “There’s a right way and a wrong way to do this!”

The accompanying snapshot of an Empathizer Communicator or E-type is on pages 95-99 of my communication theory book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” (available at www.drogrady.com or at Amazon).

LOOK WHO’S TALKING: SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE

If you don’t know who you’re talking to by type, you are going to miss the boat and have missed and mixed communication, too. As a group, Instigator communicators feel deeply disturbed by emotions due to disturbing conditions in their childhoods. But let’s not romanticize the drive to succeed, first and foremost, the drive is to help heal a world stinging from the abuses of good leaders gone bad due to their intoxication from massive doses of insecurity.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D., LEADERSHIP COMMUNICATION TRAINER, RELATIONSHIP EXPERT AND STRATEGIC DECISION-MAKING CONSULTANT

Are CEOs afraid of their own shadow? Issues that cause worry for our leaders today according to Pricewaterhouse Coopers 10th Annual Global CEO Survey of 1,084 CEOs conducted in 50 countries from Sept. 14 to Dec. 12, 2006 by the PriceWaterhouseCoopers International Survey Unit are over-regulation (73%), availability of key skills (72%), low-cost competition (66%), energy prices (62%), commodity prices (58%), downturn in major economies (57%), energy security (54%), technological disruptions (53%), security of supply chain (52%) and intellectual property rights (49%). Of course, as a relationship enhancement psychologist, I know our I-typers (or Instigators) are worried too about their Empathizer communicator partners who can feel at a loss for words sometimes to quell rising tides of anxiety and deafening insecurity. This is why the wise CEO and company leader hires a personal communications coach to get “outside-of-the-boss-box” constructive feedback, both positive and negative and almost always useful, to quell the fears that make all of us feel as if a giant werewolf is chasing us down in a dark woods of the soul, where we feel defenseless, small and all alone. The solution to unmitigated fear? To turn around and face the childhood beast that is chasing us down, which will lead to even greater and more adept leadership skills when the sands of changing times are shifting underneath our feet in this ever-expanding heart-mind of a world. You can read the full text of Del Jones’ USA Today article at “Could insecurity be the secret to CEOs’ success?” here. In my opinion, I believe that “previously insecure Instigators or I-types who now feel secure in their own skins” not only don’t lose their edge; but make more effective and ethical leaders when the winds of change are strongly blowing. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk To Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon.

I Lost Myself In The Relationship

A hallmark of a co-dependency is “I lost myself in the relationship and I’m having trouble finding myself again!” In contrast, a hallmark of a co-independent relationship is “I find out more about who I am by communicating effectively in the relationship.” Moreover, out of the ashes of grief, springs new growth. That’s why some relationship break-ups or divorces are not only good for you (and the kids)…but really are great new adventures in being a “you” that has too long been suppressed or repressed.

GAIN OF LIFE: AM I A BAD PERSON OR A CURIOUS PERSON GLAD TO BE ALIVE?

The shame-and-blame game religiously intones that for the life of you, you had better back down from being you and instead try to please others in order to keep what you’ve got. Threats of loss abound in co-dependencies. Are you a bad person? Well, no, because truly “bad” people don’t ask this question in the first place. Bad people act all nice, and then in a sick, twisted and evil way, help you right out of the person you need to be, changing you into a shivering and quivering morphed-out version of some fake robot who smiles on cue to please ’em while you’re dying inside.

TRYING ON DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR PERSONALITY FOR SIZE

These are steps in my “gain and growth” model of human change that focus on what you gain, instead of what you lose, as a result of embracing meaningful personal change.

THE GAIN OF LIFE MODEL OF HUMAN CHANGE

STEP 1: WAKING UP. You wake up to the fact that you are living a life that is a white lie, one that doesn’t express your true self or fit your higher calling.

STEP 2: THE LIGHT COMES ON. The light comes on in your personal world, and you wake up as if from a deep dream and look around at unfamiliar surroundings.

STEP 3: YOU EMBRACE THE UNKNOWN. When you grow, you let go of the comforting known or familiar, and eerily what you once thought solid and certain now seems fluid and uncertain.

STEP 4: YOU GAIN AN AWARENESS OF BEING A CONTROL FREAK. You acknowledge how much you’ve tried hard to control others and allowed others to control your view of yourself, your decisions, and what makes you a “good or bad” person. You learn the harder you try to control, the behinder and more resentful you get.

STEP 5: YOU UNDERSTAND THE ANXIETY-ANGER-ANXIETY CYCLE. There are intense emotions of anxiety, of fear and dread, of fear of loss of life or economic vitality or social standing. “But what will people think of me now?!” haunts your work and family habitats.

STEP 6: TAKING A HIKE ON NEW GROUND. You try on new behaviors for size and analyze the social feedback that is co-created. For example, a shy person becomes more assertive, outgoing and opinionated.

STEP 7: WONDER AND CURIOUSITY. Your viewpoint opens up to include the awareness that you are always producing results, for better or worse. Thus, change becomes a friend instead of a foe. Also, you are able to hold two differing viewpoints at the same time even when smoke pours out of your ears. You are curious about why you and others do and don’t do what we all do.

Using positive and effective communication skills makes deeply courageous personal changes happen fast and last for you and yours.

PUTTING AN END TO BEING CONTROLLED OR NEEDING TO BE IN CONTROL

Control of your mind (attitude) and emotions (feelings) is the name of the life game. When you feel self-doubt, you will permit controllers to control you. Without your consent to be controlled, controllers will descend into deeper reaches of their own emotions that would benefit them enormously. As you test new grounds, you will try on new behaviors, sometimes going a little too far so you then will decide which behaviors fit your temperament the best for the time of your life.

FINE-TUNEMENTS

Typical comments from my communications clients: “Although nothing’s perfect, I’m enjoying my life for a change right now! I used to be comfortable, but now I’m uncomfortably cheerful!” The “Talk to Me” communication system includes “the light bulb came on!” effect. My best description of this energetic force of change is the “gain of life” model above. You will “wake up” feeling “a revelation” and “light” to make your way by declaring your own decisions about your life. You will go a little too far now and then, but not too often. You will put an end to being manipulated and controlled by “annoying people” at work or insane family pressures to be perfect.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY WHO IS A KEYNOTE SPEAKER, AUTHOR OF THREE BOOKS, COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT AND PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST FROM DAYTON, OHIO, USA.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” which is a positive and effective communication system that will work wonders in your work and personal life. One of O’Grady’s favorite grief management speaking lines is: “Out of the ashes of grief springs new growth.” Dennis lives and works in Dayton, Ohio, with his wife and three daughters. He is President-Elect of the Dayton Psychological Association, and a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. O’Grady believes that individuation takes place in healthy relationships, when people are free to talk about their opinions and feelings without censor or shame.