Duck Out Now And Then For Some Back Porch Prayers

Hey, Mom. How’s it been going in Heaven? You must have heard my back porch prayers this morning, while I was sitting on the back porch, staring into the deep back woods.

I just don’t know if I’m strong enough for all this grief stuff, Ma. I feel so sad and so full of sorrow, kind of like a sharp pebble is grinding away against the soft skin of my foot in a shoe that’s too tight when I’ve got to run fast.

I know that men who value emotional communication and close trusting relationships, feel this way. That’s just the way it is. But Mom, in the past I would’ve called you when I was missing you. Now, who do I call to hear your sweet voice?

KEEPING ALL YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW

I’m still using the Talk To Me© system of effective communication, Mom. I used it in the final two weeks of your life and loved how we all talked together so deeply and completely. You, of course, were an Instigator-type extrovert or “the Leader.” I was surrounded by Instigator communicators when I was growing up!

You were so brave. You were in the driver’s seat of your own death and dying process.

Mom, I am your number one fan. So I keep using all four gears in my communicator car, the four communicator modes, to talk to you. I’m using the Emotions mode now. Although it is the most challenging talk mode for me to talk through, I love the positive results.

Mom, I know you can hear me. Are you still helping me keep all my ducks in a row?

IT’S WATER OFF A DUCK’S BACK

In my sad back porch, early morning prayers, I was calling out, “Talk to me, Mom!” And you did.

You doubled up on the ducks this morning. Two colorful mallard ducks made me stop my car as both stepped non-chalantly across the street on my way to work. You’re driving me crazy with those stupid ducks, Ma!

Did you think I was that bad off that I needed two colorful messengers? Well, you were right! The water wasn’t easily flowing off my back. I’m trying to remember to “be like a duck and fly through all types of foul weather.”

DEEP PEACE TO YOU MY DEAR MOTHER

You took flight Mother Butterfly. At 86 years-young, you had to go, you needed to move on. And I needed to set you free.

Godspeed to you my beloved mother. You practiced what I heard preached in church without clucking about how you should get credit for being a good person. You were “Decent Betty”… a decent human being.

I’m passing the love on, Mom! I’m enjoying being the man you knew as a boy and grown son. Hey, please keep talking to me!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the proud second son of Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone is dedicated to his mother and to all the wild ducks of the world who remind all of us that we indeed are not alone. Lonely perhaps, recipient of sad, teary rainstorms for sure, but we’re not alone. Being lonely, and speaking about it, is courageous, not weak. Even the “Talk General” who is growing as a result of using the Talk To Me© system of effective communication, cries tears to a mountain of grief. You and your partner, close friends, and family members can learn to talk through grief and feel closeness and happiness growing, instead of shrinking. In short, you really can learn to talk to each other during emotionally stormy, difficult couple or family times. This “General of Talk” knows beyond any shadow of doubt, with the backing of the Talk To Me© system, you can really learn to talk better to anyone.

You Know You’re In Trouble When You Start Seeing Ducks

I was shrouded in sadness and loneliness, riding low on energizing fuel during a full, double blue, June moon early one Friday morning. I tried to talk to my wife about it. I told her how drained I was. How I was feeling sad and vulnerable, as if spikes of grief from Mom’s passing were sinking into the soft parts of my heart and taking up residence there. I was bleeding tears, and I knew it.

BE LIKE A DUCK AND FLY THROUGH FOUL WEATHER

In a previous inspirational article, I shared my personal story of good grief called, Be Like a Duck. The piece was about a stupid wooden mallard duck that Mom persisted I put on my home hearth after she passed on…that same blasted dumb wooden duck that I had under my arm when a silver-haired, sparkling-eyed Sarasota airport security guard said, “I haven’t seen many wooden ducks come through here, Mister.”

The guard understood the implied message that Mom was trying to send to me — “Be like a duck and fly through foul weather, Denny! I know this time isn’t going to be easy time for you or your brother. I know Kerry and the kids will have a go of it, too. Don’t lose hope, and don’t fear. I will always be near.” It was foul emotional weather right now, all right. I was crying and howling in a rainstorm of grief, and no one could hear me.

WHY DON’T YOU JUST TRY TO TALK ABOUT IT?

“Why don’t you try to talk to your wife about this?” I coached myself. “Nah, the sun isn’t even up, and Kerry’s got a long list of things to do, and I would just be bothering her with these grief spikes that she can’t do anything about, anyway. What can she do about it? Bring Mom back? Kerry’s got her own problems. I’m not supposed to bother anyone with my messy grief emotions. C’mon sport. It’s a full moon…this too shall pass.” All of this internal conversation with myself was nothing more than a bunch of lazy communication spiraling downward in an emotional toilet.

VENTING: WHY TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS IS SO DICEY

Well, I tried to talk, and the talk pretty much went nowhere. I didn’t need cheering up. I didn’t need being told that Mom’s in a better place. I didn’t need to hear that there’s nothing to fear. I didn’t need to be talked over or interrupted. I guess I just needed to vent…. But talking about emotions is SO dicey, even between two lovers who long ago fell in love. Only the brave need go there. So I talked a little while, then gave up on the prospect with a curt, “This is why our communication gets cut off. You think you’ve got to do or say something profound. I just need to hear myself talk and see that you care and have compassion for my personal struggle.” Well, maybe it sounded a whole lot rougher than that….

SWEATING TEARS: DO POSITIVE THOUGHTS DRAIN OUT OF YOUR BRAIN?

So I drove off to work with a double blue, full moon hovering off my left shoulder in the daybreaking light. Frankly, I felt irritated, lonely, morose, flat out sad. “Grumpy” as one of my daughters likes to say. Now, truth be told, I had completely forgotten about the whole stupid duck thing as I was driving to my office sweating tears through this humid morning and hazy first day of June. Here I was frowning and feeling down and out, my energy spiraling down into a bottomless pit, and me, completely forgetting my mom’s earlier message.

Leave it to me….I reliably forget positive thoughts when I’m feeling negative — they drain out of my brain, through big holes of a mental sieve.

I could give a gigabyte about much of anything or anyone, because I was feeling SO sad and lonely, and boy, I wasn’t at the top of my game or even in sight of the self-esteem peak or the confidence mountain top. I had completely forgotten about that stupid duck metaphor, anyway. Thank you all the ducks in heaven!

SEND IN THE DUCKS

Up ahead, in front of me, as I was driving along and emotionally musing about my total morning misery, there were two colorful ducks, contemplating walking across the street in front of the Washington Township Post Office! Those flapping ducks! Two mallards this time were about to walk across this 45 mph speed zone that was known for automobiles that behaved like airplanes.

I slowed down, put on my emergency lights, and stopped. The oncoming car did the same. Two stupid ducks. One who had ventured out into the street first, the other waiting on the curb to see if any feathers would fly. When the first was halfway across the street, the second duck hopped down off the curb and calmly followed his buddy across the street. Stupid ducks. Whoa! What was that message Mom sends from above to all of us feeling down about feeling like a sitting duck?

BEEN FEELING LATELY LIKE A SITTING DUCK?

Oh yeah, “Be like a duck and fly through foul weather.” And, “Feel what you do, without flipping out, then let the intense emotions of grief roll off your back…water off a duck’s back!” In my mind I heard Mom saying, “Go easy on pressuring yourself, Denny. Be self-encouraging, instead. Don’t retreat, and don’t back down. Don’t just not show up for life. If you fail, fail because you tried, not because you failed to try at all.” Geez, Mom.

SHOW UP FOR LIFE

Talking about feelings of grief is easier said than done. At least this communications psychologist thinks so.

ABOUT DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer. He is the proud second son of Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady, and loving husband and father. Dennis is also the developer of the Talk to Me interpersonal communications training system, a systematic and solutions-driven approach to better communication.

Dying As You Live

Watching my mother gladly live the final weeks of her life made my face melt. “Denny, I’m really feeling peaceful and not in any pain at all.” Mom was not fitful, unhappy, scowling, or living her celebratory days as a member of the blame gang. As a psychologist, as I walk now in this world, I see hardened faces glazed over with non-emotion and apathy, or smiling with inauthentic certainty that life is just ducky. Are we half-lifer Zombies? People act as if they can cheat death by not being completely alive.

YOU LIVE AS YOU DIE

Everything’s never going to be right, but you can feel all right about living your life in ways that make you happy or glad to be alive. Signposts that you’ve lost your way:

  • You feel bitter and angry
  • If things aren’t perfect, you are emotional toast
  • Kids feel the weight of your guilt trips
  • Nothing’s ever good enough for you
  • Young children don’t make you laugh
  • You blame “time starvation” or being “too stressed out” for depriving others of your positive attention and respect.

Being brave of heart means you have the courage to live in times of uncertainty, and you can live with a broken heart, though you would choose not to do so. Of course, if you never get really close to people, when they leave or die your life isn’t much changed.

YOU DIE AS YOU LIVE

What expert communicators who die in each second know about the joys of living alive:

1. You don’t look in the mirror and see yourself acting like your mother or father. Expert communicators don’t look down or up at their parents but eye-to-eye.

2. You don’t care much for control, because you know the bottom can drop out of your life at any second. Expert communicators seek first to control their moods and “out-of-mouth” experiences that put people off.

3. You laugh. Expert communicators laugh at fear in the face, fear that makes us suffer and die a thousand deaths before our time.

4. You cry. Expert communicators with a sharp pebble in their shoe, which will eventually hobble them, walk extra miles alongside another, providing comfort, support, and friendship.

5. You struggle. Expert communicators make many talk mistakes, and they take time to learn from their mistakes in order not to repeat them.

6. You don’t let your past baggage weigh your marriage or partnership down. Expert communicators realize that all three time zones of past regrets, present pitfalls, and future worries can control them if allowed.

7. You don’t suck the energy out of the people who care for and love you. Expert communicators give more than they take, while not allowing anyone to take unfair advantage of them.

8. You don’t chase people away when they get too close. Expert communicators like hugs, eyes that dance, a tender touch, a small gesture of kindness that implies, “I’m with you here and now.”

9. You don’t let fear make you fret that your “stuff” is going to get taken away. Expert communicators don’t find winning to be as important as weathering the emotional storms of life.

10. You don’t think of evolving, growing and changing as a killer. Expert communicators study how change technology is a force that can be used for advantage or disadvantage.

11. You don’t beat anyone up mentally, especially yourself. Expert communicators talk in quietly comforting ways to the inner self, especially when they are embarrassed, hurt, or mad.

12. You don’t treat anyone as an icon to obey. Expert communicators work with divine powers and look for the best in people, and they don’t shut down for long after finding the repugnant side of “half-lifer zombies.”

13. You don’t attack when you don’t get your way. Expert communicators want to make their way down the two-way communicator highway, not get their way at the expense of a close relationship.

ARE YOU A HALF-LIFER ZOMBIE, DRIVING ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL OF YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR?

Heck, of course you’re an expert communicator. You realize there’s only one way out of this life, and this life is what you make it. Are you alive today, living your life with an open heart and strong back that can shoulder the emotional realities of a changing environment? Mom looked at me in her final days and said, “I hope I’m showing you how to die well.” We all have a thing or three to learn from the dying, who showcase how to live a life as a loving communicator.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region psychologist who provides private therapy for couples and communications training for corporations. Dr. O’Grady’s pioneering interpersonal communications theory will help you get along with anyone, even the difficult or annoying people in your life, and make you a better communicator. His entire communication system is the focus of his third book called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

When’s The Other Shoe Going To Drop?

I hear it every day from clients I coach in communication skills… “I’m spooked because great things are happening so fast. I wasn’t struggling at all, and I was in a peaceful zone. When’s the other shoe going to drop?” The fear of success ending abruptly, or embarrassing failures lasting forever, haunt some of the best people I know. It doesn’t have to be that way.

MY MIND IS MORE FREE, CAREFREE AND FOCUSED USING THE TALK TO ME COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

There is also a terrible irony to the combustible mix of fear and success. You can be a big success and still screw up big time. For example, a respected and esteemed executive coaching client of mine — let’s call him Dick — recently asked me:

“Good things are happening. I now know what the dynamic is behind that…it’s my better understanding of my communicator leadership subtype. Now, Dennis, how can I better handle the success that’s unfolding? I’m watching the company blossom right before my very eyes. We’ll reach and FAR exceed targeted expectations. If I’m not careful, though, I’m going start panicking and shoot myself in the foot or trip others up with my lip.”

Your mind is a terrible thing to misplace. You don’t want to panic when times are great or when times are grim! And who says executive leaders with big egos and dreams can’t learn to become sensitive communicators?

INVENTERS ARE GENIUSES AT INVENTING RESULTS

Why is this savvy business leader able to produce powerful results that appear almost magically? Well, here’s why: Dick’s leader subtype is called “Inventer.” Inventers make up about 20% of our population. They are enormously able to PRODUCE POWERFUL RESULTS, positive or negative, for good or ill. When focus is lost, Inventers can become destroyers.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE AN INVENTER LEADER? ARE YOU ABLE TO MAKE PEOPLE BLOSSOM OR WITHER AND SHRIVEL?

Are you able to make people blossom, or wither and shrivel? According to the Talk to Me effective leadership communication system, if you have this ability then chances are you’re an Inventer leader. So I told Dick, whom I admire and love,

You know you have a green thumb to make people and businesses blossom right before your very eyes. It’s astonishing, but you already knew that, Dick! You have that special knack, and personal power, to produce powerful positive results, as if by magic. Likewise, you can use that power to rip out the lungs and heart of those you talk to, whenever you panic and react by behaving or talking in self-defeating ways. It’s your choice. You are able to make projects, results and people around you blossom or wither and shrivel.

“My mind is more free,” is a result you will experience by using the Talk to Me system.

HERE’S HOW TO HANDLE THE SUCCESS THAT’S UNFOLDING

You, too, get to chose whether you use your communication powers in positive or negative ways. Here’s what I recommend for “inventive leaders” to handle the success that’s coming your way:

1. KNOW YOU HAVE A GREEN THUMB. Become aware that what you touch blossoms and what you ignore shrivels up or dies.

2. ENJOY THE RIDE. Don’t be a dry drunk on a temporary high of success, or don’t hang on too tightly to the steering wheel of your life, causing your knuckles to turn white.

3. FEEL THE LOVE. Experience how you are liked, loved and looked up to. Breathe! You’re going to win big, emotionally and financially.

4. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BRING YOUR FEARS TO LIFE. You must find ways — that don’t strip you of joy — to help you enjoy this trip in the present moment.

5. WHY PANIC NOW? Instead, enjoy the power to produce such HUGE results. Why panic about running into a disaster of a communication car wreck when you have master control of which way the vehicle goes?

6. NO, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SCREW THINGS UP AGAIN. Sure, you can really mess things up, but that doesn’t challenge you to feel the full joy of using your mind.

7. NO PAIN…MORE GAIN. You’ve got the power! You don’t have to struggle at all, because much of it is make-believe after all. Also, your sincere compliments are more precious than gold, and they aren’t a sign of weakness, either.

8. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO BE AWE-FILLED OR AWFUL. By using the Talk system, “funny little things” will come into your mind to say or do, and that will cause you to prosper. That’s “the light bulb went off” effect. You will feel your mind is more free, and you will experience freedom from relationship chains.

SMALL ACTIONS ALWAYS NET HUGE REWARDS

Whether a company, couple, or family unit, when you use the Talk to Me system, results happen fast and last, no matter how long a problem has been around. Meaning: small new actions seem to lead to large rewards. Client example: Focusing 10 minutes daily on a pet work project, instead of being ruled by urgent time emergencies.

WHEN IS THE OTHER BLESSING GOING TO DROP INTO YOUR LIFE?

By using the Talk system, “When is the other shoe going to drop?” is replaced by, “When is the other blessing going to drop into my life?” An example this morning was a communications client who received an unexpected raise.

EVERY CELL AWAKE AND TINGLING NOW?

When you embrace your success, you will feel that every cell in your body is awake, tingling and smiling with pride at the deep feelings of satisfaction that you’re experiencing. You will probably make mega-millions of dollars, one more time, but this time you are going to enjoy the ride. You will feel a profound sense of peace and gratitude; you will smile more; and the people you mentor will share in these good tidings, too. Just you try it and see for yourself!

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND RELATIONSHIP COACH DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

The Talk to Me system is designed to help you help yourself stop stewing…or screwing things up in your life. And you don’t need to stew any longer, or worry about what all bad dreadful gunk is going to happen to you when you’re not on guard. You now seek the middle road…instead of going to extremes. You now have nothing left to prove…instead you’ve got a whole bunch of life to enjoy. You now don’t try hard to be right, instead knowing that trying to be right turns out wrong most times. But you already knew that! Water your career and relationship life, and make them blossom, by experiencing your mental powers to create and nurture.

I know you want to use your communicator style in powerful and positive ways, because what you touch turns to gold, too. You can’t disagree. You can turn people on, and you can turn people off. It’s nothing to feel intimidated by! You get to create to your heart’s content.

Not messing up your success is a small new action that nets interpersonal dividends AND helps you to enjoy the ride along the way. In short, peace of mind deepens and anxiety lessens. As another client told me, “I’m now able to be in the zone, the peace zone!” So why not feel alive, every cell in your body smiling, as you stop getting in your own way.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the president and founder of New Insights Communication, and the father to a new communications approach that will open your mind to receiving new results that you’re going to love and enjoy. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone is now available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon.

Delete The Disturbing People In Your Life?

Have you ever secretly wished you could annihilate all the stupid people in the world? I have, so do tell me the truth. If you had a delete button to eliminate the disturbing people in your life, would you push it? If you could erase all the self esteem-shredding statements which people have said to you, would you? Or would you work with the disturbing emotions and leave alone the people who disturbed you?

WHY GO NUTS WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE CONTROL

Do you know anyone who lives by a “whiny manifesto?” Do you know a member of your work or family group who doesn’t think he or she has any problems or issues that need to be dealt with? Who doesn’t….

Disgruntlements that disturb us mightily, that you and I can change:

1. I CAN’T LET OTHERS BE MY WORRY. Why should I chronically let others upset and unsettle me with their poor choices?

2. I CAN’T ALWAYS FIX IT. Why do I have to fix what others unmindfully break?

3. I CAN’T MAKE YOU MOVE ON AND CHANGE. Why do I feel others won’t change what’s annoying me and blocking good communication?

4. I CAN’T AFFORD A LACK OF CONFIDENCE. Why do I allow myself to think others have power over me so they can tear down my self-confidence?

5. I CAN’T MAKE PEOPLE FEEL GOOD. Why is it that I think I have the power to make others feel good when they don’t try to help themselves?

6. I CAN’T FIX YOU. Why do you think I can fix your problems? Remember that saying, “Give a child a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a child to fish, and he’ll never go hungry?” I’ve done all I can do to help you — now it’s up to you to step up to the plate and take control over your life.

7. I CAN’T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. Why do I feel it is my obligation to make everyone happy, when they have control over their own feelings…I don’t?

8. I CAN’T MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR YOU. Why must I knock myself out, giving and doing for you when you won’t help yourself?

9. I CAN’T MAKE YOU TAKE GOOD ADVICE. Why should I bother to give you good advice when you ignore it or wait for me to do for you what needs to be done?

10. I CAN’T MAKE YOU ACT POSITIVELY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. Why can’t you make choices that positively impact our relationship without my pitching a hissy fit?

11. I CAN’T SPEED UP YOUR DECISIONS. Why must you take forever and a day to make decisions that aren’t life-threatening or life-changing? I realize that all options must be explored and the possible outcomes weighed, but…get real!

12. I CAN’T DENY KIDS ARE AMAZING PEOPLE. Why can’t you accept the fact that sometimes kids have more insight into a problem or have a solution to a problem, than even the most intelligent adult?

13. I CAN’T GET AFTER YOU LIKE A MOTHER. Why do you expect me to be your parent? You may have different perspectives on some issues, but you have the brainpower and resources to take care of yourself.

14. I CAN’T MAKE YOU BE A RESPONSIBLE, CARING, LOVING, GOOD MAN OR WOMAN. Why must anyone feel that s/he isn’t capable of being caring, loving, and good, on his or her own? Ever heard the command, “GROW UP!“? If you want others to be caring, loving, and a good partner for you, then you have to reciprocate…or even initiate…those same behaviors that you want and expect…and, hopefully, deserve.

Allow your emotions to set you free. After all, if you were to delete all the people in the world who bug you, there are billions more where they came from to do you the same service.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of a powerful communication system which has been proven to increase positive communication, energy, mood, business performance, personal life circumstances, and to help those who use the system to enjoy the ride of their lives. Don’t believe it? That’s because you’re investing in energy-draining communication strategies that keep you stuck, spinning the tires of your communicator car until smoke is surrounding you. Would you like to take a little pressure off yourself today, improving your performance and your mood? Then learn the Talk to Me communication system that is results-driven and personally proven. Don’t know about your communicator type? Yikes…you are not licensed to drive on the talk highway! Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.