The Expert Listener

If you are an Intuiter leader, you have the solutions at hand to fix the vexing problems that are facing your work group or family clan. Way to go! You are the Empathizer-type communicator who is welcome at my Communicator Table any old time. In fact, if I ask you for a solution to a problem that I’m facing, and you know and care for me, I will automatically attempt to put your suggestion into action in my business or personal life. Why? Because your small suggestions net huge rewards when implemented! That’s why I speak so highly of your leadership subtype in the Talk to Me© communication system.

WHAT IS THE INTUITER LEADERSHIP SUBTYPE?

There are two communicator types (Empathizer vs. Instigator) and four leadership subtypes that can be identified during an interview or testing process, using the New Insights Communication Inventory–Leadership Scale or NICI-LS. If you are an INTUITER, you bring these strengths to the corporate or family communication table:

1. RADAR

You naturally pick up the mood of your team or family members, and you know when things are off kilter. You also are able to see the “elephant in the room” and have sound methods to get the elephant out of the house. And you listen with “three ears”…totally, completely, giving your full attention to your communication partner.

2. SOUL OF CHANGE

To disrupt unhappiness and lack of results, you are able to comprehend what needs to change immediately. You are the heart and soul of service, wishing and striving for the good of everyone. You firmly believe people from all walks of life can get along a whole lot better if they try. You care so much that your heart can hurt, causing your gas tank to run low in your blue communicator car.

3. EMOTIONAL EXPERT

Because you are an emotional expert, you can easily walk in the shoes of others. You can also be an emotional sponge, or you can allow others to soak up your positive energy. For you, empathetic listening is key, and you have compassion for those who dig holes to throw themselves in, head first. Unlike many, you actually live your life.

4. INTUITS SOLUTIONS

You have the wonderful ability to feel in your “gut” what actions a team can take to move achievement up a full level. You comprehend the competing viewpoints of A vs. B, but you are swiftly able to create solution C. Because you put a smile on your face when you’d rather frown, you are able to steer around potholes on heavily traveled Talk Road. You know when procrastination rules and when real solutions aren’t being used. Your light burns dim around dishonest people who prefer psychodrama to real progress.

5. INTEGRITY

You are always so nice that, as an ethical leader, you may not always be effective. You walk the talk that honesty is a virtue, and that telling white lies is a vice. Since you are an ethical leader whose halo sometimes gets in the way, you struggle to be like a bull in a china shop, pushing ahead hard for the delivery of effective results. Sometimes you’re so nice people think you walk on water, when you’re actually drowning in an emotional cesspool. You are tremendously trustworthy, and you can be loyal to a fault.

6. A HEALING HEART

Yes, you’ve had your heart broken now and then. That’s why you intensely dislike people hurting, being left behind, or left out. You realize that out of the ashes of grief comes new growth. True, you sometimes ride yourself too hard by using a whip of criticism, but you intuitively understand “Why it’s darkest just before the dawn.” And your biggest preference is to get along with others. In your humble opinion, repeating avoidable conflicts is a huge waste of time, talent and energy.

7. ENERGY PRODUCER

You are a very powerful person. You light up this dreary world with your bright energy. However, sometimes you forget that you’re in the driver’s seat of living your own life. Why do you feel downright glum? Energy vampire “negatalkers,” who blame others for their own faults, can too easily siphon off your energy. You can learn how to pull out the straw which is stuck in your skull, sucking out your last drop of energy. In general, you strive to serve by injecting energy and productivity into the world around you, instead of arrogantly messing up what has already been achieved.

8. ACT STUPID WHEN STRESSED

You aren’t a saint, although some people who know you think you are! You will switch talk lanes when stressed out, just like we all do. In fact, when the fog of negative emotions makes driving conditions difficult, you are prone to switching talk lanes from feeling bad to doing something stupidly self-defeating. The big picture: You are the backbone and spirit of the reality family and the dream team.

9. SKEPTICAL OF SELF-IMPORTANCE

It just takes one! You are the one…you are the power…the power is in you! You live the golden rule of talk, namely, “I’m trying to make things better for people, because I dislike watching people making the same mistakes over and over again.” You’re right on the communication dime. For example, if we’re not going to listen openly to what each other is saying, then why talk on and on? Additionally, you automatically “check in” to see how happy people are. You easily program in new communication habits by not taking things so personally. It doesn’t take two; it just takes one–you. Why won’t you believe it?

10. EXPERT LISTENER

You don’t blow your own horn much. When you are discouraged, the light of your life energy dims like a string of bright lights on a festive Christmas tree when the plug is pulled. You are able to really “hear” what others are saying in their words, tones, or gestures. You are also able to “hear” what is implied or denied in a conversation. You do know where people are coming from. You listen intently as you give others the strength of a caring pair of ears, without expecting anything in return.

11. IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL, HARRY

In movies by the same name, Harry Potter is an Intuiter leader. Remember his intuitive leaps of faith, and how he knew, before anyone else, there were problems which had to be solved? And remember how his energy was drained by the dark forces of disbelief? Remember how, with a little help from his friends, he was able to make smart communication moves? As you travel along the two-way communication highway, magic will befall you, if only you stay focused on your goal map, which is there to guide you to your destination as well as to remind you why you are on this particular journey. Seemingly by magic, big results– results which will last — will emerge from the little steps you take as you travel along the two-way communication highway.

12. BY THE NUMBERS

To date, I’ve personally coached over 245 Intuiter leaders, of whom 32.6% are women and 19.6% are men. Overall, 52.1% of my sample of 470 subjects were Empathizer communicators, which means at least half of the people you shake hands with today are E-types! Whew. We’ve traveled a long way to get where we are today!

An Intuiter leader usually demonstrates interpersonal excellence by using negative emotions in positive ways, emphasizing and providing the energy to jump-start needed changes, changes that are in the best interests of all.

NEW VIEWPOINT “C”…DO YOU NEED A CHANGE TODAY?

Is a change needed in your team or family? Then consult the E-types sitting around your communicator table, because E-types get an “A” on the Change report card.

In fact, Intuiter leaders (Empathizer-type introverts or ETI’s) have the uncanny ability to understand viewpoint A…while being able to understand a polarizing or opposite viewpoint, B…while simultaneously “seeing the light of change,” correctly intuiting new viewpoint, C.

Teamed up with I-types who are comfortable leading the way, the full-steam-ahead team is unstoppable, when the advice of E-types is implemented.

INTUITERS TALKING

Of course, Intuiters have their breaking points, too. A 20-something Intuiter leader recently told me:

Why do people have earplugs in their ears? I’d like to say “You’re not listening to what’s coming out of my mouth! You just want to jump in with your ideas!” In the past, when someone would start talking, I would stop talking. Why ask me a question if you’re not interested in the answer? Now I make sure I assertively express my thoughts. I will talk over, interrupt, and redirect the flow of conversation, in a respectful manner, to get my point across. I guess that’s what you mean when you encourage us to adopt the strengths of your opposite communicator type!

Intuiters struggle with saying: “Listen to ME….Listen UP team!” But assertively pushing for positive change is a good thing. The results-driven Talk to Me© system heals the Achilles heel of insensitivity, of not listening. Unfairly critiquing one’s self drains the fuel tank and stalls him or her out.

WHY LIFE’S NOT ALWAYS GOOD FOR INTUITER LEADERS

“The Expert Listener” is a great description of all Intuiter leaders. However, a few downsides of being an Intuiter leader do exist. The Intuiter leader:

  • Experiences unfair self-critiques that drain the fuel tank
  • Stalls out from procrastination
  • Loses focus when upset
  • Is prone to “extremism” or over-reacting
  • Says “yes” when “no” is the right answer
  • Is shy and wonders how to talk to people
  • Pulls back when there’s a conflict
  • Is prone to feeling hurt from corrective feedback
  • Finds that his energy drains when he feels down
  • Discovers that it is hard to be like a duck and let water roll off her back
  • Has a high need for affection, affirmation, expressions of appreciation
  • Feels like the workhorse, or feels unequally yoked

THE EXPERT LISTENER

You, too, can actively listen to diverging viewpoints without getting trapped in either side of an unproductive debate or power play. You are able to correctly intuit and follow the “moderate” path which will prove to be the best solution for everyone involved. Take great heart in your talents, my dear Empathizer-type communicators! No matter what, keep speaking up, because you, your ideas, and your actions are what light up this world!

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system, which is also a marital and relationship enhancement approach. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on the areas of effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. Call today to consult with O’Grady, or preview a copy of TTM at www.drogrady.com or at Amazon.

The Cagey Communicator

SMART AS A FOX IN A CHICKEN COOP

A cagey communicator is a “smart as a fox” type you can’t really pin down, no matter how hard you try to. Cagey communicators steal the will of the people right from underneath their very own noses. They are able to convince you that what’s false is true, what’s up is down, and that the reason you frown is not their fault but is due to your own shameful unworthiness.

CAGEY COMMUNICATOR TRAITS THAT WILL ENSNARE YOU

There’s nothing “regular” about the “brainwashing” capacities of the cagey talker. Here are the leading traits of the cagey communicator that can make you feel like a caged animal who wants to run free:

1. DOESN’T LISTEN. Cagey communicators do not shut up and listen! They will go on and on and on, beating the same drab drum about what rules of right vs. wrong you and the group should fearfully follow.

2. IMAGE MAKER. Everything is smoke and mirrors in the sometimes Funhouse but most times Griefhouse of the cagey communicator. Impression management: You will be told and sold the approved social image that the cagey communicator wants you to believe.

3. INTRIGUE. You will be kept guessing as to the true identity of cagey communicators. However, they say a lot about the self all the time. That is, if you can believe that what they say they are, is what they say they are!

4. WILL BREAKER. You will feel coyly controlled, or that your freedom has been jailed, and you will feel forced to go along with their program — if you know what’s good for you.

5. COWARD. The cagey communicator escapes personal problems at all costs. Failures and conflicts are always about how what’s gone wrong is the fault of someone or something else, that is bad to the bone.

6. STIRS UP CONTROVERSY. Cagey communicators are dishonest about what they are truly feeling. Moreover, to take the heat of accountability off themselves, they will set fires in adjacent locations as talk distractions.

7. RELATIONSHIP DEFICIT DISORDER. There will be no “true” relationship or interpersonal closeness with people who matter most to a business or family. As soon as you get close, the cagey communicator pulls away.

8. HOOKS YA. Intermittent relationship reinforcement is used is used to keep you hooked and on the line. Thus, you will be the rat who is fed pellets by the cagey communicator, as long as you turn in the prescribed direction as instructed.

9. INSECURITY. Deep insecurity and old grief exist in the inner bowels of the cagey communicator, whose security is fortified by controlling others and by bending others’ will to their own purposes.

10. SMOKESCREEN. Claims to be fully committed, but isn’t. There are always two conflicting forces, such as two love partners or conflicting business alliances. What isn’t said but implied: “Although I’m always stuck in the middle doing the dirty work, at least I’m as needed as the tires on a car.”

11. UNCHANGING. Seldom does anything truly change inside the cagey communicator, but drama cycles around him or her constantly. Of course, you will be encouraged to dispense with some of your biggest talents, strengths, and assets, which will break your will and make you easier to control.

12. BLAMELESS. “It’s wasn’t my fault, because that’s not what I really meant!” is the escape clause that is often utilized by the cagey communicator. If you say something, doesn’t that mean that your word means something? Not to the cagey communicator, who manipulates a situation to get what he or she wants without the free consent of others.

13. HIT LIST. You will be widely rewarded, if you agree, or severely punished if you disagree or refuse to go along to get along with the unethically guided cagey communicator. Make no mistake about it…there are “hit lists” which are meticulously followed.

14. SUCK YOUR ENERGY DRY. The cagey communicator will put a long syringe into your skull, or a very long straw, and suck your last ounce of passionate energy dry. If you isolate or doubt yourself, you will dry up and blow away like dusty bones in the desert.

15. DON’T LEAVE ME! The cagey communicator will make you feel sorry for them, really, really sorry. It’s true! You will feel as if you’re stuck in a Tar Baby, and the harder you hit, the more stuck you will become. Don’t worry: There is always a next cast of players.

16. SHIFTING GRIEF. The ultimate dreaded inner issue that the cagey communicator refuses to turn around and look at is old grief baggage…very old. This unspoken grief is acted out or passed off to others in the form of guilt baggage.

The cagey communicator will not heal without ultimately dealing with intense grief issues.

TALK TO ME SYSTEM DATA

In my extensive studies using the Talk to Me system, I’ve found only 20% of communicators are cagey. That means 80% of us are straight shooters, who aren’t trying to get our way at the expense of others. Is there a difference among men and women? Gender speaking, 62% of manipulators are men and 38% of manipulators are women. But, oh my, how one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch, when allowed!

WHAT’S THIS GOT TO DO WITH HARRY POTTER?

I often hear “I don’t want to be associated with the cagey communicator any longer!” How do you break free of the cagey communicator? Well, you’ve got to leave, or fire them. That’s about the only two ways. You will work and try, and try harder, and work more and still nothing significant will change, at least for any extended period of time. Why is it so hard to leave them? Well, maybe they cause us to pull together as a group, activating our true inner powers for the good of all. That’s what happened to Harry Potter and friends when besieged by the cagey communicator called Prof. Umbridge.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship communications expert, inspirational keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and experienced couples counselor. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book of effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

7 Disadvantages Of Not Knowing Your Communicator Style

FEELING HURT FOR TOO LONG?

Closed-minded communication isn’t any fun. Being talked over, dismissively talked down to, or flat out ignored isn’t ever rewarding for anybody. In fact, your tension, lack of trust, inability to hear constructive feedback, defeatist attitudes, disruption in achieving important goals, low energy, and bad decisions ALL stem from poor communication habits. Simply put, poor communication makes you feel and act poorly.

ARE YOU A POOR OR RICH COMMUNICATOR?

I don’t believe that you can drive on the two-way communicator highway effectively if you haven’t been trained to know with whom you are talking, by communicator type. Yes, personality does play a role in communication, as does gender and family training. However, you can improve your communication markedly by knowing the 12 key differences (pages 206-211) of Empathizer-type (E-type) vs. Instigator-type (I-type) communicators. It’s simple, easy, and powerful to use. The Talk to Me system even works well during intense changing times of grief, too.

WHAT ARE THE DISADVANTAGES TO ME OF NOT KNOWING YOUR (AND MY) COMMUNICATOR TYPES?

Empathizer communicators feel and talk differently than their Instigator counterparts. “You can’t compare apples to oranges!” gets at the distinctions and preferences of each type. Disadvantages to you of not knowing if you’re an apple or an orange or working with your communicator style and improving as a communicator a little every day:

1. You will feel hurt for too long (E-type)…or hurt the feelings of others without intending to (I-type).

2. You will feel down and dismissed (E-type)…or make others feel dismissed and unimportant (I-type).

3. You will be angry at yourself (E-type) … or be resented and disliked by others (I-type).

4. You will shy away from being a strong leader (E-type) … or not garner creative teamwork (I-type).

5. You will react to problems instead of resolving problems (E- and I-type communicators).

6. You will make less money (E-type) … or feel more stressed by the money you do make (I-type).

7. You will feel stuck and blame yourself for feeling bad (E-type) … or feel stuck and blame others for your feeling mad (I-type).

Knowing your communicator type will help you pass the love of good communication on and on!

WHO IS DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist, relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. His areas of focus are change management, constructive team relationships, and effective communication. Dennis is the developer of the powerful new Talk to Me© effective listening and leadership communication training system. Copies of his book are available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by calling and personally consulting with Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.

12 KEY DIFFERENCES in Frame of Reference for Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) Communicators

1. Interpersonal sensitivity vs. interpersonal insensitivity

2. Listening vs. half-listening

3. Behind the scene vs. star of the show

4. Interpersonal cooperation vs. interpersonal competition

5. Talking about a problem vs. fixing a problem

6. Relationship locus of control vs. internal locus of control

7. Low self-esteem vs. high self-esteem

8. Change resistive vs. change promotive

9. Hopelessness vs. powerlessness

10. Achilles’ heel loneliness vs. Achilles’ heel of boredom

11. Past focus vs. future focus

12. The emotional brain vs. the logical brain

From Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, pages 206-211.

The Seer Leadership Subtype

THE COOL HEAD OF IMPASSIONED LEADERSHIP

A profit-driven company is a body that consists of a head (leaders), a heart (managers), and hands (rank-and-file employees). Some work can get done when one part isn’t operating well, but not for long. Without the cool head of impassioned leadership, for example, the heart still pumps hard and the hands are busy, but there is a great expense in the lack of coordination. The Talk to Me© system values each part equally and sets up a broadcasting system which enables the strengths of each player while disabling their weaknesses.

WHAT IS THE SEER LEADERSHIP SUBTYPE?

There are two communicator types (Empathizer vs. Instigator) and four leadership subtypes that can be identified during an interview or testing process, using the New Insights Communication Inventory–Leadership Scale or NICI-LS. If you are a SEER, you bring these strengths to the corporate or family communication table:

1. ABILITY TO “SEE” THE WRITING ON THE WALL. You are able to quickly see what new programs or directions will work for customers and which will automatically fail. You tell the truth and listen more than talk, to better know what’s really going on.

2. FAIRNESS FOR ALL. You are able to comprehend the fairness and equity of new decisions, as well as their impact on relationships, thereby avoiding costly mistakes. You dislike “I know best” or “I’m right and you’re wrong” ineffective leadership extremism. You care about people, not just about their money, and thus you can sleep at night.

3. UNCOMMON COMMON SENSE. You are able to live where the rubber meets the road, and you don’t fall for looking through “rosy pink colored glasses.” You may not have “book smarts” but you do have “street smarts.” Unlike many, you learn from life.

4. PREDICTIVE GENIUS. You are able to predict which strategies will fly or fail, based on your uncanny ability to look into the “crystal ball” of the future. An Achilles Heel for you, however, is that you get your knuckles bloodied trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

5. BREED CUSTOMER LOYALTY. You are able to command great respect and loyalty, not only because you put your customers’ needs first, but you also genuinely care about their satisfaction and frustration, over the long haul on the two-way communication highway.

5. FOCUS ON MEASURABLE RESULTS. You are able to take the pulse of team health and accurately measure how well things are going in the field, by how your customers and co-workers initially react to new programs or marketing ideas. You will give your weighty opinions and insights when asked, but too often you aren’t prudently consulted.

6. AUTOMATIC TWO-WAY COMMUNICATION. By anticipating how critical feedback might embarrass team members or force a reduction in their confidence, you are able to steer around many talk accidents and communication mistakes waiting to happen. You have uncanny relationship savvy.

7. OPPOSED TO DOING MORE OF WHAT ISN’T WORKING. You are able to see the target goals map, and when what is proposed or attempted isn’t working, you are open to the change of doing something different. You are confused and concerned when leaders stay stuck in the rut of doing more of what doesn’t work, thereby wasting time and money and cutting down team morale.

8. WISDOM EARNED THROUGH PAINFUL EXPERIENCES. You know through real life experiences, what “real people” like you will like and dislike, what they will pay for or despise. Therefore, you are an incredibly trusted adviser, one whose opinion is sought by the “average guy or gal” to decide if a product is worth the time and investment. Although humble, you do know best.

9. ROLE MODEL HOW TO GET ALONG WITH ANYONE. You are able to work things out when there is a conflict, and you are able to bring hidden agendas to the surface so they can be addressed. You know that just crunching numbers doesn’t inform you how people are going to respond or react.

10. SMART IS…AS SMART DOES. Forrest Gump, in the movie by the same name, is a Seer leader. Remember his uncanny wisdom in the phrase, “Stupid is, as stupid does!” Seers get what smart ideas are stupid communication moves. On the Talk Highway, stupid driving that chops down morale…cuts off top quality customer service…puts off vibes that don’t retain good employees.

A SEER leader shows respect to all levels, from the employee performing menial tasks, to the larger-than-life CEO.

SEERS TALKING

Seers, of course, have their weaknesses too. One weakness: to stay loyal to people who aren’t being loyal. The results-driven Talk to Me© system heals this Achilles Heel. A Seer leader recently told me:

How am I supposed to get all excited about something that’s not going to last, or doesn’t make sense, or has no qualities of being a good program? How am I supposed to sell what I don’t believe in? I have street smarts, but executive decisions are made on book smarts. Sometimes I think our core leadership can be too smart for their own good!

You can’t chop off the hands or legs of your team members and expect them to compete effectively in the race, either!

YOUR COMMUNICATOR SEER STYLE BY THE NUMBERS

How unique are you? 24.3% of all communicators in relationship to you (or leaders you interact with at work) are Empathizer-type extroverts or ETE’s. 7.4% of Seers are male, and 16.8% of Seers are female. Thank your lucky stars, Seers! Overall, about half of all communicators are Empathizer communicators, and half of all communicators you meet on Talk Road are Instigator communicators.

Lastly, don’t you find it astonishing that E- and I-type communicators are evenly divided between the sexes?! This sheds a whole new light on the brave new world of effective communication, and you give us all hope that equally men and women can relate more productively and effectively using new talk tools.

WISDOM BORN OF EXPERIENCE

If you’re a Seer, you have wisdom born of experience. You have uncommon common sense, and you are able to sense what customers will be attracted to and will pay for. Yes, you will scratch your head in frustration at why other team members or life partners can’t seem to see the writing on the wall as clearly as you. But no matter what, you must keep speaking up!

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton Ohio relationship communication coach. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system, which is also a marital and relationship enhancement approach. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on the areas of effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. Dennis can be reached at 937-428-0724.