Monthly Archives: January 2008

PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT TO CHANGE THE STATUS QUO

Have you been busy contemplating complaining? Me, too! Complaining, in Talk to Me© circles, is finding fault with others in order to cover your own backside, thereby avoiding the challenge of change. A negative talker’s complaining is also a shrewd way to threaten that, if you mess around with Ned the Negatalker, something bad’s going to happen.

Negative talking — complaining — is, in fact, the standard way Negatalkers beat a supervisor, parent, or other authority to the punch, to avoid the change required when corrective feedback is received. “The best defense is a good offense!” speaks to how distraction and deflection (the spinning top) keep problems from being solved while a ticking time bomb clicks off the minutes to detonation. To keep you off their trail, this strategy is successfully used by poor performers and people who don’t want to change the status quo.

CONTEMPLATING COMPLAINING BY COMMUNICATOR TYPE

“Smart as a fox!” is a good way to describe the expert Negatalking complainer. Why start a fire of conflict or add fuel to an unproductive dispute? Well, if you keep a bee hive stirred up, the beekeeper will be too busy to take a good look for whoever hit the hive with a long stick, before slithering off to hide in the shadows.

Who are the biggest complainers among us? Is it those sensitive Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) whose feelings are so easily hurt…or those “built tough to take it” Instigator-type communicators (I-types) who, like ducks, let the water roll off their backs? Well, that depends on your point of view, doesn’t it? Both talk types view, think of, and socially handle complaining quite differently.

EMPATHIZERS ARE THE GLUE THAT BINDS THE BOOK OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Here are a few pointers regarding E-types, to take into account before you elicit or give quality corrective feedback:

Empathizers’ Feedback Viewpoint…

E-types:

1. Have a long fuse and are too shy to complain impulsively or too loud.

2. Don’t quite believe their own complaints are legitimate.

3. Seek out group consensus to confirm their perceptions that something really is amiss.

4. Don’t like to order people around or tell them what they aren’t doing well.

5. Are too sensitive and caring about hurting people’s feelings, even with appropriate criticisms.

6. Will stuff their issues.

7. Intensely dislike stepping on toes…hurting people’s feelings…or seeing someone publicly embarrassed.

8. Have incredible intuitiveness, to sense what’s really going on behind the scenes.

9. Are glued to every critical word you utter.

10. Can hear just one criticism at a time.

11. Feel that criticisms penetrate their skin like porcupine quills.

12. Will deliberate about what they wish they’d said.

13. Won’t hastily counteract criticisms with their view of the truth.

14. Can quit or give up under the stress of intense or harsh criticizing.

15. Are slow to leave and slow to complain about legitimate issues that need to be addressed.

16. Are the glue that binds the book of effective communication.

INSTIGATORS ARE THE PAPER ON WHICH THE BOOK OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IS PRINTED

Here are a few pointers regarding I-types, to take into account before eliciting or giving quality corrective feedback:

Instigators’ Feedback Viewpoint…

I-types:

1. Have a short fuse and will boldly rush in where angels fear to tread.

2. Believe that the only purpose for complaining is to improve customer satisfaction.

3. Hate the feeling of helplessness which results when true negative feedback comes home to roost.

4. Complain to create change. It’s a waste of breath to complain about what you can’t control or change.

5. View constant complainers as whiners who drag their feet and refuse to take responsibility.

6. Think of E-types as “flip-flop” people who are constantly changing their minds, so how can you trust their complaints or feedback?

7. Have abundant confidence that they can make things better, if people will follow their instructions.

8. Don’t need group consensus to have faith in their opinions and solutions, preferring to go it alone when stress bombs are dropping all around.

9. Feel totally at ease debating the quality of feedback. Personal opinion is the gold standard.”I am the final judge and jury,” is their unquestionable feeling.

10. Because personal pride and living by principled standards or rules mean so much to them, they have difficulty listening to and hearing corrective feedback.

11. Will release their feelings and snarl when things aren’t going well.

12. Intensely dislike: being wrong; gripe sessions about decisions that have already been made; second-guessing leadership.

13. Have the maps to help us all get where we need and want to go.

14. Are more comfortable with conflict, confrontation, and “telling it like it is.”

15. May mistake helpful complaining for manipulative complaining.

16. Are the paper on which the book of effective communication is printed.

WE ALL FEAR THE STING OF CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK

You have to really rile up Empathizers for them to get their hackles up and bark like a disturbed dog. In contrast, Instigators snarl like a cat whose tail has just been stepped on, with little provocation. Neither type is comfortable with the explosive nature of giving or receiving either corrective or constructive feedback.

FEEDBACK SESSIONS SHOULDN’T LEAVE YOU FEELING GORGED OR STARVED

Elsewhere, I’ve described the explicit steps to take when you’re giving feedback to E- or I-type communicators. Because they are their own worst critics, Empathizers should give less weight to what people say. Because Instigators can be too hard-headed and because they tend to intimidate others, they should give more weight to what people say.

We all should give a little more attention to giving and receiving useful and helpful feedback.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association and developer of the TALK TO ME© positive and effective communication system. Why invest in a process that will improve your communication skills fast, in both personal and work relationships? Why waste time alienating people and prolonging the effort to reach a common goal, when you can use good communication strategies which pay extraordinary dividends. When you use the tools and strategies detailed in Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, you’ll find that it’s easy to keep your car in the center of Talk Highway, leaving the ditch to those communicators who play the lame Blame Game.

YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU’RE THROWN UNDER THE BUS, YOU WILL BOUNCE BACK

I have a little blue star that is positioned on my desk to remind me that there’s still light in a completely darkened room. Sensitive souls know that little gifts of friendship — disguised as blue stars — are a godsend, becoming bright shining flashlights during dark times. How do I know such things about blue stars? An independently-minded, professional Empathizer-type (E-type) female communications client of mine, recently gave me a star wrapped in blue foil. It was about the size of a 50 cent piece and contained some rich dark chocolate. Blue, in the Talk to Me© system, represents E-type communicators who are stars that light our way! I look at that little blue star often and am purely amazed. I wonder, how might this blue star help those who have been thrown under the bus, to bounce back to their normal state?

DON’T WORDS WORK WONDERS?

With the gift of the blue star from the Empathizer driver of the blue communicator car, came these sincere words delivered to my receptive ears:

“I appreciate all that you’ve done for me, Dennis. You’ve given me the gift of lighting my own way to get through the fog of a painfully difficult divorce that I didn’t want but had to get through. Not only is my self-esteem still intact, but my confidence has grown, as a result of better communication with myself and others. You know I was deeply worried about the effects of divorce on my children. I’m relieved to say the kids are doing very well, and I no longer feel drained when talking to my Instigator ex-husband, a Negatalker.”

Do you bounce when you feel someone you’ve trusted and loved has thrown you under the bus? Yes, the words you speak light the way for others, long after you’ve forgotten what you said, my beloved Empathizer communicators.

EMPATHIZERS: WHY YOU LIGHT THE WAY

I’ve bragged on you Instigator (I-type) natural-born leaders for being “on purpose” types for the longest while. Now, the shoe’s on the other foot for a change. If you’re an Empathizer, or E-type communicator, here’s why YOU soulfully appreciate giving and receiving positive messages, when mammoth changes have run you over like an elephant stampede, or you’ve been flattened after being thrown under the bus…and you need a little bit of pep in your step. Do you know who I’m talking to?

My sensitive E-type…

you know that when you’re thrown under the bus, you will bounce back!

with your emotional wisdom, you light the way ahead for all of us to more easily see our way.

you understand there is a time and a season to bend like a willow, and there is a time and a season to stand steadfast like the majestic oak.

you feel bad for people who suffer unnecessary, self-inflicted losses.

you won’t become a bitter or old dried up prune of a person, because you love people with all your heart.

you’re really grate-full, not grudge-full, and you are a natural rule-follower in relationships.

you don’t wish harm to a flea on your beloved pet, and you won’t allow change of tidal wave proportion to wash away your identity.

you trust others to see through the Negatalkers, who seek to stick a straw in your skull to suck your energy out.

you expect to help yourself and don’t expect much help from others, if you’re not first willing to do the legwork.

you are responsible and responsive, and you are accountable and reliable, all the while being a warm and loving human being.

you will do what’s right, even when it feels wrong for you.

even when you have every logical reason to do so, you won’t get even, because you know that getting even puts you behind.

you believe that things happen for a reason and work out for the best, and you can cope with uncertainty without becoming a control freak.

kids and grandkids, and all the other little people in the world, mean the world to you.

if anyone can make a relationship work it’s you; but a relationship shouldn’t be all work, now should it?

you know it’s only money, and you can’t take it with you, but you deserve to be paid buckets full for the talents you’ve honed.

you loathe loss and feel sad for those who blow up relationship bridges, putting unnecessary losses into their lives.

you know that any situation could be worse for people, and you try to look on the bright side, even though the dark clouds sometimes try to fool you into thinking that there is no blue sky above them.

you won’t put all your eggs in one basket when the other person keeps dropping the basket of eggs.

you’ve learned to speak up and stand strong, and say “NO”, when “No” is the right answer.

you have learned to do for you selflessly and without the guilt of labeling yourself “selfish.”

you let go of the need to always be the relationship rehabilitator.

YOUR LITTLE ACTIONS LIGHT THE WAY

You’re such a sensitive soul, my dear E-types, that you don’t understand why retaliation rules the lives of so many nincompoops. Ah, why bother. Who cares? You do! So, do little things for YOU when you feel bad. Pass out those shiny blue stars for which you are so well-known, being sure to keep a few for yourself. Know that during dark times, when all feels lost, flashlights of your positive deeds light the way ahead, for you and for others.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. Dennis is a relationship communications coach and corporate trainer, who is the current president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association. And the other day Dennis was in a dark mood, and he had a cold, and he was losing his voice, and he had two big speaking engagements coming up. Dennis was feeling strained and drained, and wishing that life wasn’t so tough and rough. But isn’t that how the cookie crumbles? So Dennis talked to himself as best he could: “Although you can definitely be your own worst critic, buddy, you are getting better. In fact, haven’t you noticed how you don’t fall on your own sharp sword as often? I knew you would come bouncing back after being thrown under the bus!”

GOOD COMMUNICATION ISN’T A FLUKE

Good communication isn’t a fluke. It involves a simple system of enlightened moves, which are all laid out in the Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone© textbook. Additionally, the Talk to Me© system’s tools can be accessed, at no cost to you, in the more than 200 articles at www.drogrady.com. The typecasting and other skills you will learn are all you need to start talking more positively and effectively today at work and at home. Why plug in to this system? The Talk to Me© system helps you better handle the fear of confrontation and conflict, while helping you avoid unnecessary miscommunications that could blow up in your face. The best news: Your business clients and family members will feel you truly can walk in their shoes, and, based on this trust, accomplish needed changes faster, making everyone smile.

EMPATHIZERS OUGHT TO SPEAK OUT AND PUSH BACK MORE OFTEN

Is the message you’re sending being received accurately and honestly, without prejudice or tilted spin? Perhaps not. What to do when two opposing talk types are trying to solve problems together, but from different viewpoints? CLARIFY. Both styles naturally prefer their own way of doing things and which happen to be the driving rules for complaining. But, without knowing it, these styles can inadvertently turn each other off. “Your Erroneous Zones,” a favorite bestseller by Dr. Wayne Dyer, gives several prime examples of this.

IS THE FOG OF NEGATIVE EMOTIONS BLANKETING THE TWO-WAY TALK HIGHWAY?

All of us erroneously assume that the main message we’ve sent is the same message which was received. Not so! The message and the messenger’s intent are often confused due to the fog of negative emotions on Talk Highway. Can you anticipate how your complaints and suggestions will be heard by your opposite communicator type? Is there a better, more effective way to deliver quality feedback (complain) which could calm us down and solve problems fast? You bet there is! Try walking a mile in the moccasins of your opposite communicator type!

WHAT DO EMPATHIZERS (E-TYPES) NEGATIVELY THINK WHEN INSTIGATORS (I-TYPES) COMPLAIN?

Let’s be negative for a minute about what stuffs cotton in E-types’ ears:

Here we go again….
Why does everything always have to have such a positive spin?
There’s no honesty about emotions

I’ve got to shut up and deal with this stuff on my own
I don’t understand why you won’t listen to me!
Can everything really be this rosy?

I can take it a little longer!
I feel too stuck to move on
I’ll talk to you later.

At this point, the I-type might think that an E-type doesn’t care to solve an obvious problem.

WHAT DO INSTIGATORS (I-TYPES) NEGATIVELY FEEL WHEN EMPATHIZERS (E-TYPES) COMPLAIN?

Let’s be negative for just a second, about what stuffs cotton in I-types’ ears:

Here we go again …
Why does everything always have to have such a negative spin?
There’s no rationality or plan of action here

I’ve got to offer suggestions to solve the problem
I don’t understand why you get mad at my trying to help
Can everything really be this bad?

I can’t take it anymore!
I’ve got to move on
I’ll check with you later.

At this point, E-types might feel that I-types don’t care to understand their personal feelings and situational stressors.

WHY NEGATALKING TAKES A TOLL ON COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY

Everyone complains. I’m not against complaining, per se. However, I’m for limited, not unlimited, complaining. True, Empathizers ought to speak out and push back more often. But, my dear E-types, do you realize that complaining too much will make your Instigator talk companions’ skin crawl? Yeh, you know. That’s why you keep some of your best ideas to yourself.

And my dear I-types, do you understand that telling an E-type to switch driving lanes fast, without looking into their rear view mirror, is driver’s education coaching they can’t follow? You might as well be telling a chimpanzee to change into a gorilla, or a gorilla to change into a sloth. You’re going to have a talk accident if you don’t watch where you’re going! “BUT how do you say what’s wrong without coming across wrong?” one client asked.

INTENDED MESSAGE SENT … IS THE MESSAGE RECEIVED?

To make sure the message you’re trying to get across at the Communicator Table is the same one which is received, you’ll need to make sure that you’re sending the message in your talk partner’s preferred style…no pushing your point of view if you’re talking with an E-type, and no backing down from your ideas if you’re talking with an I-type. Secondly, clarify, CLARIFY, CLARIFY! You’ve all had communication courses which taught you to use “I” messages, so put your knowledge to use:

1. I want to make sure I have this right. Are you saying….

2. I intend to have a clear understanding of how to proceed. Are you suggesting….

3. I need to know who is taking the next step. My understanding of what we are going to do is….

4. I thought you had told me to do it this way. I want to be clear about what you want so I can give it to you….

5. I’ve got to speak my mind here. I don’t think this part of the plan is going to work because….

6. I want to clarify. It’s your belief that the next step I need to take is….

7. I need to confirm this outloud for my own benefit, to make sure I’m on the right track. I should have ___ to you by ___. Is that correct?

8. I want to think outloud here and throw some ideas up against the wall to see if any of them stick. I’m not set on any of these ideas, because I find brainstorming with you creates better ideas that have a greater chance of succeeding. Is that a fair use of our time?

9. I’m not sure I’m hearing you accurately. You’re saying….

10. I want to get this feedback correct. Instead of doing ___, you want me to start doing ___.

11. I think I may be coming across like I’m not fully on board with this project. Is that how I’m coming across to you?

12. I need to check out an alternative that I’ve been tossing around in my mind. Do you think that ___ might be a solution to this problem?

13. You’ve given me a lot of information to digest. I want to make sure that I’m correctly prioritizing what you see as the top three “to do” items. Are you saying that first…; second…; third….

14. So, what you’re really saying to me is ….

Use your own words and speech patterns. The objective is for you to develop the strategies which work for you, while following the examples above. You’re not a parrot, although I’ll bet you’ve felt like a pigeon now and then! These are just some ideas to put some pop into your communication punch lines, but which won’t knock anyone out.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST, DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.