Communicating Negative Feedback

DON’T POP MY SELF-ESTEEM BALLOON

While flying with my brother in his private plane in Florida, I noticed that, through his headset which was tuned to the airfield’s control tower, Al was receiving several kinds of corrective feedback and information about how to fly correctly into and around the area. Now, my brother is a very seasoned pilot, so I was interested to hear him calmly repeat the corrective instructions then follow them without a fuss. I inwardly mused, “Ah, how sweet my business life would be if those I worked with (and myself) could take corrective feedback as effortlessly. There were simply no ego wars or embarrassing hurt feelings to navigate through as we flew along the constantly adjusted flight path.

CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK ISN’T CRITICISM

If you jumped inside a bag of human skin, you would quickly realize we are all lean mean learning machines…if our egos don’t trip us up. Corrective feedback is a far cry from criticism. For example, if you’re in driver’s education, those tips on how to perform a skillful maneuver differently and better have nothing to do with you as a person. Impersonal corrections fall under the umbrella of constructive feedback, critical to task improvement but not critical of the person. This key difference is often confused in the complex world of communication.

SENSITIVE VS. INSENSITIVE TYPES OF COMMUNICATORS

You’re into advanced communication skills, aren’t you? The communicator type with whom you’re talking probably handles negative and positive feedback very differently. Two hugely important communicator distinctions:

Empathizer communicators take everything very personally, quite possibly because life is a very personal adventure for them. Due to E-types’ thin skin, they can feel slammed, after which they sulk or back off from the perceived offender.

Instigator communicators have a thick hide and more easily accept negative feedback without emotional interference. I-types, who let the negative feedback glide right off their skin, are like ducks, with water rolling off their backs.

There is no better or worse way of being, but I wish Empathizers would become a little more thick-skinned and Instigators would become a little more sensitive. The Talk to Me© system provides the map for doing just that.

PROVIDING NEGATIVE OR CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK IN A POSITIVE WAY

What are some talk tips that enable you to give corrective feedback in such a way that you don’t deflate the ego of the team player?

1. KNOW TO WHOM YOU’RE TALKING. You must get to know a little bit about your talk partner. Which talk type is your co-communicator? Is the listener prone to being too sensitive, which makes him an Empathizer or E-type communicator, or does he lean toward being insensitive, which would make him an Instigator or I-type communicator?

2. A TRUE CORRECTION TAKES PLACE IN A MINUTE OR LESS. Focus on one correction at a time — don’t go down a long laundry list. Make a single, directive correction of, “This is what will work out better for you next time.” You don’t stop play…you keep on moving. A true correction is completed in ONE MINUTE or less, and it can be followed by a reinforcing activity later.

3. NO TIME-WASTING. The principle of “when at work, you only work,” should be observed. True work is persistent, intense, determined, relentless…a team approach that is visible to all around you. Employees should not see the boss or anyone, for that matter, wasting time. Make time spent in practicing corrections feel normal and commonplace.

4. CORRECTIONS ARE FAR DIFFERENT FROM CRITICISMS. Respect for the self-esteem balloon of each team player trickles from top down. The top leader must demonstrate that pins of criticisms which shred self-esteem are not to be used. The talk principal: Your boss doesn’t prick your self-esteem, so you are not to deflate or pop the self-esteem of another team member.

5. NOW GET ON DOWN THE ROAD TO THE NEXT ITEM. You delivered the corrective feedback (negative feedback dealt with positively) in a business-like fashion, without fanfare, so now it’s on to the next agenda item of business. There is no need to repeat the criticism, use sarcasm, or laugh nervously. If mutual trust has been built, true corrections feel differently than criticisms.

6. WITH PRACTICE, CORRECTIONS ARE SEEN AS THE ROAD MORE TRAVELED TO SUCCESS. It does take a lot of practice to become accustomed to giving — and receiving — corrective feedback effectively. But it’s so productive once you do get the hang of it! You steadily improve every day in every way. Once the feedback receiver sees corrections as a means to meet heartfelt goals, she will accept corrections far more readily, and even welcome them.

YOUR SELF-ESTEEM BALLOON

The prototype for negative feedback was when your mom or dad yelled at you when you were a kid, making too much noise or horsing around in the back seat of the car. Whamo! Remember how deflated you felt? Negative feedback can be akin to taking a pin and popping the balloon of your co-communicator…and it doesn’t matter if hurt feelings weren’t intended. Damage is still done. Are you now able to provide corrective feedback about negative actions in a positive way, that should be heard without defensiveness?

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady wears three shirts of relationship communication coach, corporate trainer, and executive coach. Dennis has 30+ years of experience helping talk partners of differing levels and backgrounds hear the intended message their talk partners were trying to get across. He is the author of three books, a professional keynote speaker, and an organizational consultant who uses the Talk to Me© leadership communication system in forward-thinking companies, resulting in, “Now my manager is a better communicator.” His book of effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

When Is It A Good Time To Talk?

BLACK ICE ON THE RELATIONSHIP HIGHWAY

When is it a good time to talk? We don’t mean to neglect our relationships at home or avoid communicating. But it takes time to prepare to communicate: you must warm up, make sure your mental toughness is on par, keep your thoughts on track, and a whole bunch of doing-the-new when your energy might be taxed and your nerves strained by a tough day at work. Each of us, at times, becomes overwhelmed by the demands of the day, and we seek refuge in our homes, where we can let down our hair and veg out to recharge our batteries. So when nerves are frayed, and emotions freeze up like black ice on two-way talk highway, how can we avoid skidding off into a ditch in our intimate relationships?

WHEN SHE’S AT HER BEST, I’M AT MY WORST, AND THAT’S WHEN WE GET INTO ARGUMENTS

Duh. Costly communication mistakes are easy to make, particularly at home, where everything feels more personal. Due to ignorance, you may not have realized that your partner may believe, feel, talk, and act differently than you do when tired or emotionally distressed. One Talk to Me© trainee put it quite bluntly:

I don’t want to deal with more issues when I come home. My partner, though, is passionate, assertive, and has high expectations. I work hard, and I work long hours in a responsible position. The energy burn at work is enormous. When I come home I’m tired and I want to spend just a little time relaxing. The last thing I want to do is come home to another set of problems. And that’s when we can get into an argument. The mistake I’ve made in the past is not to tell my partner why I’m just sitting there like a bump on a log. So, should we have to schedule a time to talk, or what?!

What do you have in common? Plenty! You have mutual interests, desires, and goals on which to build a relationship. It’s how you express and deal with those interests, desires, and goals that can get you into trouble. Don’t get too focused on the two different communication styles and deflect good talk.

TALK IN THE LANGUAGE YOUR PARTNER WALKS

Help is here! Chances are your life partner is your opposite communicator type. Here’s how that works:

I. Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are the non-demanding, silent types, who will stuff their emotions and smile through the pain. Complaining will come out in emotional bursts of: “I don’t appreciate not being appreciated.”

II. Instigator-type (I-type) communicators are the thick-skinned, noisy types, who will boldly share their frustrations and grimace through the pain. Complaining will come out in logical demands of: “Then we need a logical plan of action here.”

Neither style is better or worse. The point is to talk the language your partner walks to obtain the best results. After all, good communication begins with you!

RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: IT’S ALWAYS PERSONAL, AND RARELY LOGICAL

“It’s nothing personal, it’s only business…” is a saying that is completely reversed at home in your closest relationships. In fact, we expect MORE from those we know and love. Thus, “It’s always personal, and rarely logical…” better describes partner and co-parent expectations. Here’s what you and your talk partner expect, and resent, when shortchanged:

  • Immediate and easy access to your talk partner
  • Drop everything to listen
  • Deal with conflicts constructively
  • Perform even when tired or fatigued
  • Go the extra mile and smile
  • Talk honestly
  • Make time for long and involved conversations
  • Speak of emotions adroitly
  • Immediately make time to talk when pressure mounts

Not too much to expect of a champion communicator, like yourself, right?

TODAY’S TALK TIP: MAKE SURE THE TALK INTENTIONS ARE CLEAR

Find the middle ground and avoid becoming polarized because of your talk types. Here’s how:

1. State your positive intention — that you will work hard and learn fast to communicate more effectively. Example: “I want to give you my full attention, but I’m exhausted right now.”

2. Talk in the language your talk partner prefers and has an easier time hearing. Use emotional language for E-types, and use logical language for I-types. Example: “I want you to know how much I appreciate (E-type) — or respect (I-type) — where you’re coming from.

3. Be open about what you’re feeling and experiencing. Example: “I just need a little time to unwind….” can be a small change that nets big dividends.

4. Don’t erect a wall. You must not throw up the wall or put on the armor and get defensive. Example: “It’s not your fault. I’m simply bushed. When’s a better time to talk?”

5. Avoid distracting arguments. You don’t want to avoid deflection, but you do want to encourage reflection. Example: “I don’t want to get into a fight with you and distract ourselves from the challenges of closeness.”

6. Change now. You can teach old dogs new tricks as you learn to drive down new talk avenues. Example: “The change I’m trying to make is to schedule a time to talk on a regular basis.”

7. Fail forward. You can make mistakes and learn from them. Example: “I just want to connect with you when you come home; maybe a quick hug will send the right message until you are able to unwind.”

REMOVE THE BARRIERS TO GOOD TALK

We all need to avoid setting up a partner to go off or to feel unduly frustrated. How? We can listen and talk in the language of our partner. But if the communication styles are so different, then how can we make time to talk? By focusing on the middle ground and not on the extremes, by accepting the other’s style and methods without fighting them.

DEEP CLOSENESS & EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION

Perfect love is when your heart leaps for joy when you see your beloved. But we are only human! Not talking in the preferred language style of your sweetheart is the stumbling block. Deep closeness is what couples strive for through their communication efforts. Emotional communication, a blunt discussion of what feelings belong where, is the skill required to get you from here to there. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have…focus on what you wish to create, that something which is good for all.

WHO IS RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D. values couples communication skills, executive coaching, and corporate training which solves pesky problems by producing positive results through better communication. Dennis is the original researcher and developer of the powerful Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. The Talk Doctor’s compete textbook of good talk is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, which is available by calling (937) 428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.