Monthly Archives: April 2008

WHY BURN YOUR BRIDGES?

You’re on a communication quest to get along better with your leader manager. Although things are strained between the two of you, you realize that whatever you seek, you can have. You are a visionary. You can envision where things need to be in the future, and you can conceptualize how to go about getting there. You do, however, need the help of others who are committed to you and your “big vision” of change. How do you conduct yourself as a follower and/or a leader of people? Do you manage people with hands-on involvement, just as you know people would like? Below is a three-step Talk To Me© leadership communication exercise that will make you and your people want to take action in spite of any silly fear of failure.

I. WHAT KIND OF COMMUNICATION QUEST ARE YOU ON WITH YOUR LEADER MANAGER?

What kind of relationship would you like to co-create with your boss or manager? What open doors of communication would you like between yourself and your manager, or between you and upper supervisory or upper management in general? One trainee told me, “I would like communication between my manager and myself such that we can truly work as a team instead of as two separate people. That way we both understand our places and know what’s going on.” O.K. then…let’s explore the specific footwork of the talk tool which will facilitate that objective.

II. WHAT DO I WANT TO GET OUT OF THE COMMUNICATION WITH MY MANAGER?

Make a list of what outcomes you would consider to be indicative of a positive relationship with your manager. Here is one of my real-world Instigator-type trainee’s “The type of positive relationship I’d like with my manager is….” list:

1. Open criticism. Ask why I completed a task a specific way, or give me feedback I can learn from. This goes further than telling a person they’re wrong to do it the way it was done.

2. A good leader gives direction. If you need for me to do something, tell me. Give me specific steps and instructions about how to do it. I want to do it the way you would like for me to do it.

3. Confront when something’s wrong. Ask open-ended questions and just talk about the project. Ask why we can’t do it a different way, if that process would work better.

4. Let me (and everyone) know about changes. Don’t make me find out in a meeting that there’s something I’ve done wrong. Tell me about changes so I’m not shocked by hearing it from a customer or agonized by what I don’t know.

5. Training. You have to teach and train someone to perform the desired behavior correctly. Don’t throw someone into a deep lake and tell them to swim. Keep lines of communication open, and don’t make me feel like a dumbbell.

6. Demonstrating how things are to be done. As an experienced leader or mentor, role model what you want to see in me.

7. Tell me what’s going on for the day. To start the day, give me a brief overview of what needs to be completed before the end of the day.

Be the powerful communicator you are today…without embarrassment.

III. HOW WOULD I HAVE DONE IT DIFFERENTLY?

Can you list examples of open-door or two-way communication that makes no one feel inferior, lazy, or stupid? Make a list of 7 or so items, just for kicks. Directive Questions are a big part of the Talk to Me© system, not telling people what to do. It’s listening and repeating before sounding off, so everyone stands a better chance of being on the same page. Asking directive questions doesn’t come across bossy….

1. What do you have going on?
2. Could you do this?
3. Why did you do it that way?
4. Do you think this will work?
5. What are your thoughts on this?
6. How would you do this?
7. Is there something that could have been done differently?

Don’t make anyone feel lower than you. Don’t give anyone the impression that, “Hey, get off my back, because it’s not my job to help fix or to fix that.” A closed mind creates a bad mood, which is like a tar baby — you can get more stuck in the tar, or bad mood, the harder you fight against it.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO A COMMUNICATION EXPERIMENT?

Answer these three questions to fulfill your communication quest to become a better communicator:

1. WHAT IS MY COMMUNICATION QUEST WITH MY MANAGER? Example: Give my manager/boss a daily task list to which I plan to commit and accomplish.

2. WHAT 7 THINGS DO I WANT OUT OF THE COMMUNICATION WITH MY MANAGER? Example: I’ll better my communication skills by talking openly about what has to be done, and what barriers may come up that I’ll need to address.

3. LIST 7 EXAMPLES OF OPEN DOOR COMMUNICATION? Example: I’ll ask my boss to prioritize my list of the day’s projects or activities, or I’ll ask specifically what I should do.

You are in the driver’s seat of your communication life, aren’t you? I know you can’t control everything, but you can control what comes out of your mouth. And, remember to keep using your “Multi-Million Dollar Talk Tools” every single day that you are brave enough to show up for the work of good communication!

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the new Talk Doc in town, a corporate consultant, team trainer, and the insightful, original developer and researcher of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. T2Me has been successfully implemented in a “top down” fashion in companies which know that communication is the best investment in the development of people skills, if you want to guarantee positive results. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association as well as a clinical professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. His “Talk Textbook” received The 2008 Axiom Business Book Award silver medal. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, is available at Amazon. Not much time to read? Quick reads on Dennis’s communication approach are available at no charge at www.drogrady.com.

MAKE A CORRECTION IN DIRECTION

How feedback is given can make you dance or make you depressed, can’t it? Delivering quality feedback is one key to good communication. So…would you like to know how to get more work completed by employees in the same amount of time? Would you register your supervisees for communications training if their work output were to increase by 50% as a result of better communication? And, what if everyone in the team canoe was having more fun to boot? Heaven’s to Betsy…of course you would drive in positive talk lanes that solve persistent problems. And how? Well, that’s just what happens when you intentionally use the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. Gone will be the days of hearing, “I feel like I’ve been thrown under the bus again!”

E-TYPE OUTPUT: I’M TRYING TO KEEP MY TIRES MOVING

Do you know the communication type of your talk partner? It’s the Golden Rule of Good Communication. Why? Production can fall off as much as 50% when Empathizers feel put down or are having a bad week. (Instigators lose their edge, too.) Here’s the sensitive viewpoint of a loyal-to-a-fault Empathizer (E-type) employee, who feels her Instigator (I-type) boss is simply too pushy.

I’m feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I’m juggling more than a few things right now. My Instigator boss hits me emotionally. She is pretty dominating, bold, opinionated, very public, won’t back down, and has insecurities and too much pride. Trouble spots? I’m trying to keep my tires moving, but I could start grinding down to a halt at any time. I feel the cogs cranking a little slower. I’m starting to feel weighed down, and I’m beginning to blame other people. I-types move so fast, and, as an E-type, I just can’t keep up with them. I-types don’t seem to feel much; they are like programmed robots, giving you results while setting aside emotional stuff. I need to be able to disconnect from my emotions, just like I-types do. The more things pile up, the more overwhelmed I feel. I need to form a plan and delegate tasks, like an Instigator does.

I-types are experts at setting aside “emotional stuff” to get results. The above example shows how E-types, be they male or female, can become emotionally flooded during stress-centered times. With Talk to Me© training, everything changes as everyone adopts a new point of view.

THE SILENT TALK TRAGEDY

Without ever realizing it, Instigator supervisors and managers behave like the proverbial Hare, running over (or past) their slower-moving Empathizer supervisees and employees. Here’s what ignorance of your communicator type, and the type of your co-communicator, costs you in missed opportunities that may not come knocking on your door again:

1. Unintended frustration mounts

2. Motivation declines

3. Complaining increases

4. Mistakes are repeated

5. Good results don’t stick

6. A dog vs. cat power clash

7. Empathizer employees will shut down, shut up, and duck behind walls

8. Instigator managers will listen less, shout more, and charge the walls

9. Results are lackluster

End motivational result: I-types then will have to go to the back of the E-type line. Why? The E-type will secretly feel “thrown under the bus” by the I-type! Instead of alienating your opposite talk type, wouldn’t you like to learn how to work cooperatively within that opposite viewpoint, to the benefit of all concerned?

BENEFITS OF BETTER COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE OPPOSITE TALK TYPES OF INSTIGATORS AND EMPATHIZERS…or…HOW TO AVOID COLOSSAL COLLISIONS THAT STRIP DOWN MOTIVATION, ON TALK HIGHWAY

My dear I-types: Can you walk softly in the beautiful blue suede shoes of the sensitive E-type communicator and just carry a big talk stick? Or do you wear your favorite Army boots when you’re talk dancing with the “too sensitive” one? What positives you will accrue as an Instigator leader, when you flexibly adjust to the preferred talk style of your Empathizer employee:

1. You won’t tick off the very people who click off the items on your “to do” list

2. Grudges of which you are unaware will stop growing

3. The bridge of trust will be buttressed instead of blown up

4. There will be extra efforts behind the scenes to satisfy customers

5. There will not be the “spinning top” or unnecessary distractions of anxiety, anger, and energy drain

6. Good ideas and solutions will be placed on the Communicator Table into the light of change

7. You will keep your best people and lose your losers

8. Troubled talk waters will once again be calm and glassy

Bridge Over Troubled Water: Collisions on Talk Highway strip down motivation. Why let your employees suffer from lost aspiration to achieve goals? What could you do with 50% greater work output in the same time period, without strain or drain? How much would that be worth to you? Lots of money and even more peace of mind would be my guess. Let’s end our collective ignorance. Did you believe me when I said “…production can fall off as much as 50% when Empathizers feel put off their emotional game?!” Should you help your employees build and maintain a bridge over the rushing waters of miscommunication?

DO YOU FEEL AS THOUGH YOU’VE BEEN THROWN UNDER THE BUS?

Yeah, we’re only human, and it hurts when you or I get our toes stepped on. But, my dear I-Leader, why can’t you talk to me in the talk style that I prefer, so that I will go the extra mile and smile for you when the chips are down? Well, you CAN, when you’re no longer ignorant of the Empathizer vs. Instigator motivational preferences. Here’s how a positive Instigator can turn on the light of a positive Empathizer:

The Instigator communication leader should:

1. Take time to warm up the communicator car engine

2. Not speed off, screeching your tires, if you don’t instantly get your way

3. Groom the texture and tone of the conversation…everyone sits in the front seat

4. Not approach boldly and interrupt gruffly or callously in a demanding tone of voice…don’t give directions unless asked

5. Use “ask talk” instead of “tough talk” to get things done quicker…don’t be a backseat driver

6. Make it sound like hardly anything you touch is an “urgent emergency”…the journey is more important than the destination

7. Not be a dictator but engage in dialogue…enjoy talking as you ride…relax and enjoy the trip of a lifetime

8. “Just take a talk minute” and discover the personal life of the person…nourish connecting instead of disconnecting

9. Show generous vs. stingy signs of regular verbal appreciation…you don’t have to like the long drive to enjoy the ride

Why not take time to talk? I-types are performance-driven and are constantly judging the self against the list of goals and objectives accomplished in the least amount of time. Thus, to I-types at work it’s nothing personal…it’s only performance-driven. But, you already knew that!

DON’T YOU STEP ON MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES!

Elvis is still alive and well — a living legend in many minds. In my case, I’ve sung “Don’t You Step On My Blue Suede Shoes” to my three daughters as they were growing up, until each girl split a grin groaning! But be careful where you step. If you step, or worse, if you stomp on the blue suede shoes of an Empathizer communicator, you may make an enemy for life without fully realizing why. And that’s a cryin’ shame, because our beloved E-types are the workhorses who pull a wagon load along for our companies, organizations, and families.

The Rule of Motivation: What could you do or say when you accidentally step on the toes of your fellow Empathizer talk dancer and partner, knowing the mishap would predictably result in a 50% reduction of positive energy, productivity, or output?

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATIONS COACH, CORPORATE TRAINER, AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the “Talk Doc” and president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association, as well as the developer of the TALK TO ME© positive and effective communication system. Why invest in a process that will improve your communication skills fast, in both personal and work relationships? Why waste time alienating people and prolonging the effort to reach a common goal, when you can use good communication strategies which pay extraordinary dividends! When you use the tools and strategies detailed in Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, you’ll find that it’s easy to keep your car in the center of Talk Highway, leaving the ditch to those communicators who play the lame Blame Game.