Don’t Bother Me

PREJUDICE UNDERCUTS PROFITS

What prejudices do you hold about your opposite communicator type? What are “hot buttons” that can set off explosions between the two of you? Whether it’s a person at work or your partner at home…what makes it so hard for the two of you to “just talk?” Here’s what drives Empathizers up the wall about their Instigator pals, be they boys or girls. Please notice that using “They” or “They’re” widens the communicator spark gap or widens the distance between co-communicators that has difficulty being bridged. The Talk To Me© system opens up closed-off communication avenues through using miracle-making Communication Table tools. If you want to delete all those difficult people in your life, consider what a recent training group had to say about what bugs and bothers them about people who alternatively are too sensitive or too thick skinned.

WHY YOU BOTHER ME, BOY

Why Instigators (or I-Types) Bother Me, An Empathizer: (If you are unsure about your communicator type, you can take the test to find out, privately and for free, at www.drogrady.com.)

THEY’RE…

They’re always right.
They’re pushy.
They don’t listen.
They confuse opinion with fact.
They’re critical.
They’re insensitive.
They’re always on task.
They’re rash.
They’re quick to judge.
Their reality is the only reality.
They do not understand the impact of their words or actions.

WHY YOU BOTHER ME, GIRL

Why Empathizers (or E-Types) Bother Me, An Instigator: (If you are unsure about your communicator type, you can take the test to find out, privately and for free, at www.drogrady.com.)

THEY…

They are slow thinkers.
They worry too much.
They’re overly sensitive.
They want to please everyone.
They’re perfectionists.
They’re too emotional.
They’re too demanding.
They’re too passive.
They’re too indecisive.
They’re too literal.
They avoid conflict.
They’re too agreeable.
They repeat themselves too much.
They rehash history and bring up old news.
They’re illogical.

ARE YOU NICE OR DO YOU ICE PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE WITH YOU OR WHO ARE DIFFERENT?

Do these “They…” sayings, or negatalking, sound a little too familiar to you? Be a conscious communicator who has an open mind to getting along better with others. Don’t fall prey to prejudices about people who are ignorant. Why walk through a minefield of misunderstanding, uncertain where the next land mines are located, because you’re not using the Talk2Me© system? You know in your heart that you secretly admire your opposite communicator type. And I’m all ears ….

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the new Talk Doc in town, a corporate consultant, team trainer, and the insightful, original developer and researcher of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. T2Me has been successfully implemented in multi-generational family companies and couples communication training.

Will You Be Good To Me?

ARE YOU GOOD TO YOUR BELOVED?

Will You Be Good To Me is a poem I wrote to help couples improve the quality of their life together. The stanzas are written from the viewpoint of a sensitive Empathizer communicator who is feeling ignored and taken for granted by an indifferent Instigator partner.

WILL YOU BE GOOD TO ME?

Will you let me know in little ways how important I am to you each day?
Will you see me through fresh new eyes each morning?
Will you hear my words with non-judgmental ears?
Will you give me a hug when I feel overwhelmed without my asking?

Or will you be too busy to call me from work …
Look at me through cold, cynical eyes in the morning …
Judge me as too needy if I need to talk to you …
Scold me for wanting a hug when you’re rushed!

Will you still love me when I disagree respectfully with you?
Will you still remember that I’m a good man or a good woman when you’re mad at me?
Will you accept my disappointments without becoming defensive?
Will you accept my vulnerability and not attack or lambaste me?

Or will you put me down when I disagree with you …
Call me bad names when you’re mad at me …
Give me grief instead of hearing my grief …
Disappear when I’m distraught!

Will you confront me when I shred your self-esteem?
Will you remind me how I’m good enough when I doubt myself?
Will you make regular deposits in our bank account of love?
Will you forgive me for being far less than I can be?

Or will you ignore my complaints …
Lay a guilt trip on me that I’m being too selfish …
Treat the dog better than you treat me …
Blame me for not living up to your expectations!

Will you kiss me when you don’t have time to?
Will you be excited and happy to buy me presents?
Will you set limits with me when I talk stupidly?
Will you hold my hand in the grocery store?

Or will you love me when you’re not so busy …
Get more thrilled about the bills than me …
Stuff your anger and steam when I speak stupidly …
Walk in front of me when we’re out together!

Will you be good to me?
And love me even when I don’t show up to love myself?

ARE YOU LOVING AN EMPATHIZER-TYPE COMMUNICATOR?

If your loved one is sensitive, emotional, thin-skinned, dislikes arguing, is easy-going and compromises easily, then your co-communicator is likely an Empathizer communicator. Conversely, if your loved one is insensitive, doesn’t sit back, likes to be in control, is thick-skinned, enjoys debating points, and has a strong personality type, then your partner is likely the opposite talk type or an Instigator communicator.

You can test your type and receive a free and private report of your communicator type at http://www.drogrady.com/type.php

Pre-Marital Counseling

RELATIONSHIP EFFECTIVENESS PROGRAM

My heart always leaps for joy when I work with a couple who wants to improve their communication skills, before they get married. Why? Research has shown that when a couple invests a few hours, before they get married, in communication training with a professional psychologist, it’s like they’re taking out an insurance policy to prevent divorce. Could exploring relationship talk patterns really be that important?

WHAT A COUPLE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT GOOD COMMUNICATION, BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED

Communication-wise, an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure or treatment. In just a few meetings, the couple and I take a good look at and talk deeply about potential pitfalls and walls which they would likely encounter as a newly married couple. Then we discuss and brainstorm ways to deal with those situations.

1. YOU CAN’T COMPARE APPLES AND ORANGES. Your communicator type counts for so much because you’re either an apple or orange in the communication orchard. Statistically, the typical pattern is for your partner to have the opposite of your communicator type. For example, the woman would be an Empathizer-type communicator, while the man is an Instigator-type communicator. Opposites do seem to attract, but will the bond last? If you don’t know about the two communicator types, you are driving with one-eye closed on a very busy, two-way communicator highway!

2. COMMUNICATOR KNOWLEDGE UNLEASHES THE POWER OF A POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDE. In a typical in-love couple, many misunderstandings will occur, causing hurt feelings and resentments to take hold and flourish. With knowledge of the key differences in attitude for Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators, you will avoid taking many unwanted wrong turns and detours on the Communicator Highway. Isn’t avoiding costly communication mistakes worth the price of a few hours spent with a relationship communications psychologist or the price of a book on good communication? Of course!

3. BAD COMMUNICATION HABITS ARE EASY TO COME BY. Under stress, couples-in-trouble easily adopt bad communication habits that stick if they are not replaced with appropriate communication habits. Why? We haven’t been taught how to quickly and courteously quell someone who constantly interrupts, talks down to, or rebuffs. Bad communication habits, power plays, and silent standoffs are disrupted by using the Talk2Me© effective communication system.

4. THE ROAD MAP. Couples co-create their own marriage as co-communicators. Nothing happens by chance. What is the road map for your journey together through a long and loving life together? Where does this map come from? During one of our meetings, I have the couple list 12 positive relationship attitudes they each would like to see in their marriage. For example, “To talk openly about anything without blaming anyone.” “To enjoy healthy friendships with other couples.” “To encourage robust sexuality.” “To stick within our financial budget and enjoy our prosperity.”

5. BUMPS IN THE ROAD. Although occasional discord is quite common between the partners in a newly married couple, they often panic when things aren’t peachy. But the bumps in the road can make your communicator car feel as if it were hanging over a cliff, held in place by the thinnest of threads, ready to crash and burn below in a canyon of worry. To prepare for such times, we identity challenges the couple must face together, free of fear. For example, whether to loan money to a family member; how to deal with pesky in-laws who put the couple on the outs; loss of a beloved mother or father; relocation due to career advancement or change; rules to disrupt unfair fights and how to sincerely apologize; avocational and religious observations; when to have kids and how to parent; and how to address — and change — bad habits, such as alcohol abuse or excessive worrying.

6. AFFIXING BLAME FIXES NOTHING. Unproductive blame games are the bane of every loving couple. It’s SO-O easy to blame the person instead of the problem…and then a partner can feel guilty and withdraw, causing more hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and misinterpretations. The point isn’t to point a finger of blame, but rather to fix problems in little steps without hurrying, steadily improving the couples’ confidence that together they are good communicators during sunny and stormy times. Pre-marital counseling identifies dead-end talk alleys to avoid, while it provides the tools to use on a detour.

7. LOVE IS A TWO-SIDED COIN. Love will make you feel everything you are afraid of feeling, so that you are able to heal old wounds and get rid of all that guilt baggage you no longer need to carry. But partners can turn white from fear when good feelings turn into ugly dark feelings. Not to worry! Love will sometimes seem lost, or missing in communication action. But, in reality it is very strong behind-the-scenes. Unfortunately, only an experienced couple knows this to be true, while the inexperienced couple must accept this fact on faith.

8. REMOVING RESENTMENTS. Fights happen. Having the same stupid fight over and over again happens. Each individual has a set of implied talk rules to create fairness, equality, and respect. I believe that each partner is 50% co-responsible for making things right when the apple cart has been turned over. Otherwise, stupid turns on the Talk Highway will end in each partner’s being a back-seat driver, angering the partner who’s driving. Walls of resentment kill happiness, peace of mind, and fun sexuality.

9. WHO’S TO BLAME FOR THIS MESS? No one is to blame. That’s right, no one is to blame. However, there is a problem to fix, through an open-minded discussion of alternatives and utilization of new talk strategies. Hard fact: Each partner who blames the person of the other partner for problems instead of the communicator type of the other partner, is being self-defeating. Intimate knowledge of your communicator type and how to employ the characteristics and talk strategies of the opposite type, makes for smoother traveling on the two-way communicator highway.

YOU DON’T CARE…YOU’RE NOT LISTENING…YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND…WHY DON’T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME?

Debating doesn’t work to any great extent to advance good communication. Truly listening to divergent, rich, and different viewpoints does work. Talking negatively, such as, “You just don’t understand!” increases negative feelings. The last third of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, focuses on talking positively during emotional times. Why take the time and make the effort? Negative feelings increase the chance for negative actions to occur, causing your communicator car to crash far from home. You no longer have to walk alone when you use the new talk technology at your disposal in Talk to Me.

WHO IS TALK DOC DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., provides pre-marital counseling, marriage counseling, and relationship communication coaching in Dayton, Ohio. Dennis is the author of the powerful new communication system found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone.” Talk2Me© quickly helps you understand your and your talk partner’s communicator types. Also provided are talk tools and strategies which help you converse effectively when emotions are high and logic is low. The Talk2Me© system is used in corporate training, too, since good communication principles are similar at home and work. Dr. O’Grady is available by phone at (937) 428-0724 or at dennis@drogrady.com.

Do You Dwell On The Past?

GOOD GRIEF: OUT OF THE ASHES OF GRIEF SPRINGS NEW GROWTH

Do you dwell on the past? Do you stew and brood and chew over things that took place decades ago? Emotional men and women, or Empathizer (E-type) communicators, beat and kill a dead horse 10 times over. In fact, E-types are criticized for being so anxious that they repeat their negative talking points. On the other hand, logical I-types become anxious standing around dead horses and want to avoid the whole scene altogether. Thus, I-types are criticized for not talking openly enough about their emotions.

YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM DRINK

Both stressed Empathizers and Instigators act like a stubborn horse that you can lead to water but you can’t make him drink. Put them together and what have you got? No or poor communication and widening communication gaps. Here’s how one Instigator husband spoke of his Empathizer wife:

My wife nags me about how little we’ve talked over the years. “We’ve got to talk about it….” makes my skin crawl. Why can’t she just get over it? Why can’t she let go and get past the past? I can’t do anything about the past. It’s over, and all we can do is learn from our mistakes. I believe the present is a present to unwrap. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything, which I know only makes the distance greater.

GRIEF WORK: DO YOU SHUT OUT PEOPLE OR BUILD BRIDGES OF TRUST?

Most communication breakdowns are due to a misunderstanding of communicator type. Time Zones and grief tones are handled oppositely by Empathizers vs. Instigators. Which one are you and how to tell? (After all, both E- and I-types often get into communication ruts and fail to live in the present.)

GOOD GRIEF CHARLIE BROWN…

If you live in the Empathizer Time Zone…

1. E-types live in a past COMFORT ZONE.

2. E-types can’t easily drop what they’re FEELING.

3. E-types see the PAST as a half empty glass.

4. E-types will back off from using the wisdom of their own GOOD IDEAS.

5. E-types resolve present-day PROBLEMS by analyzing the past.

6. E-types don’t easily ENJOY THE SELF in the here and now.

7. E-types FOCUS ON WHY BAD things happen to good people.

8. E-types FEAR THE FUTURE – “When is the other shoe going to drop?”

9. E-types stew and chew on things to AVOID GRIEF WORK.

And that’s why I-types experience E-types as obsessive about a past that cannot be changed and about their being too grief-embracing.

GRIEF IS THE GUNK IN THE GEARS OF YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR

I-types remember the past but won’t rehash it. If you live in the Instigator (I-type) Time Zone…

1. I-types’ COMFORT ZONE is to live in the future.

2. I-types can’t easily let go of what they’re BELIEVING.

3. I-types see the FUTURE as a half full glass.

4. I-types will back off using the wisdom of their own BAD FEELINGS.

5. I-types resolve present-day PROBLEMS by strategizing about the future.

6. I-types don’t easily ENJOY THE RELATIONSHIP in the here and now.

7. I-types FOCUS ON WHY GOOD things should happen to good people.

8. I-types FEAR THE PAST – “Why stay stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels?”

9. I-types stay busy and juggle multiple full plates to AVOID GRIEF WORK.

And that’s why E-types experience I-types as being pushy, always pushing hard to be right when feelings run on high.

TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS AND INTENTIONS IN THE TALK 2 ME SYSTEM

A frequent complaint of distressed couples is: “Why can’t you just let go of the past? Why can’t you get over it and move on?” Here’s what I recommend thinking or saying to break that dead end talking pattern…

I’M FEELING… BECAUSE MY INTENT IS….

Examples: I’m FEELING frustrated BECAUSE MY INTENT IS for us to feel close. Or, I’m FEELING worried BECAUSE MY INTENT is to have a secure job, and they’re talking cutbacks at work.”

Couples-in-trouble have too many conversations from the head instead of from the heart, so why not talk from the heart-mind….

OUT OF THE ASHES OF GRIEF SPRINGS NEW GROWTH …

Get past the past. Don’t get so wrapped up in the past that you can’t enjoy yourself today. Grief in relationships is the gunk in the gears that makes shifting difficult in your communicator car. Whatever your type, the past is gone and the future is not yet here. Arguing whether it is noble to live in the past (as E-types do), or quickly get on down the road to live in the future (as I-types do), keeps you away from mining the gold of grief in your present relationship day.

WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton communications psychologist and relationship communications coach. Dennis wears two hats, one of corporate trainer in leadership communication skills, and the other as a couple communications expert.  The Talk2Me system bridges communications gaps and helps resolve family conflicts.  Dr. O’Grady’s mission is to give you tools to use to improve the quality of your life. Dennis is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.

Roadmap For A Successful Marriage

YOUR ROADMAP FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Do you have a “roadmap” for a successful relationship or marriage, framed and hanging on a wall in your home? Of course you do. You wouldn’t leave from home on a long trip without consulting a map or expert regarding your travel plans. As a marriage counselor, the first question I ask is: “What are you two planning to create together? What do you want your life to stand for?” I believe in using maps to get where you want to go on the two-way communicator highway. Without one, you might take a scenic ride that proves disappointing, regardless of the views.

OUR ROADMAP FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

What does a roadmap for a successful marriage look like in black and white, and could the roadmap be more interesting and easier to follow if some color were added? Today in a pre-marital counseling session using the Talk2Me system, I popped the question to a twenties-something couple motivated to achieve good communication. In fact, the woman was an Empathizer communicator (Intuiter) and the man was an Instigator (Inventor) communicator. Here are their “What we’ll create together…” answers:

1. Happiness—personal
2. Happiness—as a couple
3. Trust—goodwill
4. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
5. Honesty
6. Healthy body
7. Healthy mind
8. Healthy spirit
9. Fun—and spice
10. Stability—and security
11. Grow—together
12. Grow—from separate individual friendships
13. Communicate openly

WORDS, WITHOUT A PLENTITUDE OF POSITIVE ACTIONS, ARE CHEAP

Talk is cheap. The pillars of trust, honesty, respect, and happiness which form the framework for your union, must be backed up with daily positive actions of both talk partners. To act compassionately or lovingly when you are ill or you’ve had a bad day, is the epitome of good communication. And yes, each communicator type struggles with an Achilles’ heel, which the opposite type would do well to understand. Not complimenting enough, making unilateral financial decisions and discouraging independent friendships or activities are three bumps in the road that couples commonly encounter. A couple must grow apart, in new or continued friendships, if they are to grow together. Growth is crucial to keep a marriage viable and gratifying.

SHOULDN’T IT BE HARD WORK?

Well, where’s the map for your two-way communication highway journey of life spent together? On what wall in your home do you have your map proudly displayed? Is the map gradually taking on color? Without a map, how are you going to be able to steer around the detours, orange barrels, and bumps in the road without ending up in the ditch? Smart couples balance the big work of marriage with scenic side trips and excursions. The kid in every adult craves to get out every now and again, if just for a few hours. Taking for granted the person you’ve taken for your life-long mate, is akin to taking the same medications, day in and day out, without ever reassessing their effectiveness. Why take a chance on passing up something new that could provide real relief? Reassess your mate’s qualities on a daily basis, then let the compliments flow. You’ll find that such actions will function like a homing device in your car as you glide down the Communicator Highway, all the while adding brilliant splashes of color to the black and white map that grows old on the wall….

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, pre-marital counselor, marriage counselor, and relationship communication coach. He wrote the book on good communication called Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, which is available at drogrady.com or amazon. Dennis also provides keynote speeches and corporate training on the utilization of effective communication tools.