How To Keep My Mouth Shut?

How to keep your mouth shut when talking to a conniving snit of an ill-tempered communicator? A business-savvy Instigator communicator client, who specializes in appetite management systems, asked, “I want to walk away from here with a list of key words to keep myself under control…to keep my mouth shut. If I keep my mouth shut, I will be O.K. There are going to be more stressful times ahead. How do I use your TALK2ME© communication approach to keep my mouth shut?”

ARE YOU AN AVERAGE OR AN ABOVE AVERAGE COMMUNICATOR?

Now, that’s a dandy question for all Instigators who have those “out of mouth” experiences, and then they regret words spoken. “Can’t I take my words back?” they wonder. Nope. If you ever wished you could take your words back, chances are, you are Instigator communicator, feeling only of average communication skills. You perceive your counterparts, Empathizers, as being superior communicators. How can you control your actions so you don’t open mouth and insert foot?

TO HAVE TOTAL CONTROL OF YOUR COMMUNICATION

When to be assertive and when to just listen? My Instigator colleague pointedly answered that Million Dollar Communication question. Key thoughts to keep your cool when temperatures rise…

  • Don’t be abrasive
  • No bitter sarcasm; be polite
  • No fuel to the fire of conflict
  • Be assertive, not aggressive
  • Keep control of yourself
  • Don’t do anything rash
  • If necessary, walk away when words fly

EASY SAYS IT: SENSIBLE THOUGHTS VS. PANICKED THINKING WHEN IN CONFLICT

The AA slogan, “Easy does it!” teaches not over-doing, while the T2M slogan, “Easy says it!” teaches not over-talking. Emotional fuel is added to the fire when you have a negative attitude. Emotions confuse facts. “I’m right…and let me tell you why!” arguments land you in a ditch. How do you NOT do something rash when someone is coming at you with opinions, not facts? Well…how? Walk the talk pointers listed above….

“Talk Doc” Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist, speaker, and seminar leader and developer of the TALK2ME© system.

Who’s In Charge Of Your Life?

Who’s in charge of YOUR life? In the car of your life…the burnt orange car if you’re an Instigator communicator and ocean blue if you’re an Empathizer communicator…are you sitting in the passenger seat, expecting the auto-pilot to drive your life where you want it to go? No way, Jose.

YOU ARE IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT OF YOUR LIFE

An Empathizer client coached to use TALK2ME© tools, said:

“I am in control of my mood. I didn’t have to change myself. I’m not dwelling on it. I’m not bragging about it. I view people differently now, and it makes me feel better.”

It’s a shame that you have probably spent more time in driver education classes than in communicator education school, even though you communicate far more than you drive. Well, there’s no time like the present to improve your communication skills.

A CHANGE OF SCENERY…I DIDN’T SEE IT THAT WAY BEFORE

Although there’s no need to change who you are, simply by using TALK2ME© tools you will create a change in your perspective, and you will come to realize that you…

…are in charge of your life for life

…are willing to give yourself chances for happiness

…won’t allow someone else to drive your life

…have a good outlook on life

…know how to boost your mood by thinking positively

…cannot sit in the passenger seat and expect the car of your life to take you where             you want to go, while you clench your teeth and push your feet through the floorboards

Have someone else drive your life? No, thanks! After all, the happy pills and anti-misery pills are something you don’t really need to take. You are in the driver’s seat of your life, putting decisions into gear and making your way toward your goals.

YOU’RE THE LUCKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD

You’re the luckiest person in the world. How lucky? So lucky that there’s no place you’d rather be than at work on your communication skills, because you know that arriving at your end destination depends on it.

Psychologist Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communication expert.  He can be reached at 937-428-0724.

Mood Babysitting

MOOD BABYSITTING

Frustrated Instigators don’t put a cork in the bottle, from the Empathizer viewpoint, and they keep spreading a bad mood all around like manure…and they aren’t even trying to get a garden to grow! What do sensitive people see in an adult who is red-faced and howling like a baby? Sniping. Angry mood. Intolerant. Riding others. Irritable. Demanding. Immature. Standing there smirking and acting like a Jerk or Jerkette, antagonizing others on purpose.

I TRY NOT TO BE HIS BABYSITTER BUT…

How Eve, who truly loves Adam, resents being a babysitter to his nit-picky moods…

It gets a little complicated. Adam takes good care of us, but he comes home from work in a bad mood. You never know what you’re going to get. He even gets into shouting matches with strangers at sporting events. I feel confused. I should be by his side, but his angry mood just escalates when I try to talk with him about it. I’d like to say sarcastically, ‘Is this the way you work on your mood? Nice job. Good work. You’re making progress!’ but that would really make things worse.”

Empathizers incorrectly feel they should be on board to support an Instigator husband/wife or supervisor/boss who has emotional meltdowns.

HOW A BAD MOOD IMPACTS AN EMPATHIZER PARTNER

Sensitive Empathizers fall for the phony anger routine hook, line, and sinking energy. E-types then catch the “mood flu” that has this sickening symptom pattern:

  • APATHETIC ATTITUDE: I don’t want to babysit your angry mood.
  • BACKING OFF: After asking what’s wrong and not getting an honest reply, I withdraw.
  • CONFUSED:  Why does my partner get so righteous about being right, that words come across as sniping and sarcastic?
  • PREOCCUPIED:  I feel worn out trying to monitor my partner’s bad mood, and I have difficulty not taking it personally, because I’m too sensitive.
  • DECREASED INTIMACY: I don’t want to be close with a snarky communicator who gripes and makes malicious, underhanded remarks.

WHAT TO DO DIFFERENTLY?

My dear Instigator communicator, do you REALLY want to get along better with your Empathizer husband, wife, or co-worker? O.K., then you have to put in some elbow grease to…

1. MANAGE YOUR MOOD. Have you even tried effective ways to manage your mood, or do you just give in to it and let it rip?

2. BRING A GOOD MOOD HOME. Have you ever depressurized before you come through the door at night?

3. VIEW LIFE THROUGH YOUR PARTNER’S EYES. Haven’t you noticed that your partner sees you as a bully?

4. KNOW YOU MAKE YOUR PARTNER HAPPY – OR SICK. Have you noticed you can depress your partner with your bad mood or make your partner happy with your good mood?

5. BE AT FAULT. Have you accepted that you create the sunny or stormy talk climate in your home? You’re not doing it on purpose? Then try being “on purpose” for a change.

6. DON’T LET YOURSELF DEFAULT TO FEELING FRUSTRATED. Are you aware that the strength of your anger covers up the strength of your sadness, happiness, or gratefulness?

7. OBTAIN A COACH TO GIVE YOU CRITICAL FEEDBACK. What would you lose if you found a coach to show you how to alter your mood in ways that make both you and your partner feel close and happy?

Instigators try to make up for their bad mood by being intimate. However, E-types turn off cold when feeling the heat of anger. Who wants to be close to a prickly porcupine?

SWITICHING MOODS: TIME TO TALK TURKEY

You can alter your mood if you want to. Do you want to manage your mood? Just admit it and get on with it! In order feel good about yourself and to accomplish a thing or two on your list, you could find satisfaction by exhibiting angry actions while knocking people out of your way. However, are you able to see the benefits in switching moods and being calmer? If it’s going to make your partner feel better and in the mood for closeness, is it worth to you? If not, then why are you wasting your partner’s time?

CAN’T TALK?

Can’t talk? Receive TALK2ME© solutions by developer Dr. Dennis O’Grady via relationship communication coaching by calling 937-428-0724.

It’s All About You And Your Communication Attitude

It’s all about you and your communication attitude. Ain’t that sweet? As a positive communicator, you pay close attention to what you say and how you say it and whether what you are saying is being accurately heard. (Repeat that quip fast five times!) You DO understand the core strengths and Achilles heels of Empathizer and Instigator communicators and how to avoid stepping on their respective toes. Be honest, now, isn’t that so, talk champion?

EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATION ATTITUDES

Relationship Communication Driver Education is really put to the test during tense times, when expectations are high and energy is low. The TALK2ME© system is devoted to bettering your communication attitude and mood during changing times of all kinds.

EMPATHIZERS: Lend a listening ear because E-types are…

  • Psychological
  • Open-minded
  • Encouragers
  • Workhorses
  • Cautious
  • Flexible
  • Loyal

…and they…

  • Love
  • Learn
  • Laugh
  • Listen
  • Dream
  • Compliment
  • Welcome peace

INSTIGATORS: Lend a helping hand because I-types are…

  • Logical
  • Genuine
  • Advisors
  • Tenacious
  • Risk takers
  • Challengers
  • Circus Ringmaster

.…and they…

  • Offer blunt feedback
  • Welcome conflict
  • Manage people
  • Direct progress
  • Problem solve
  • Take action
  • Produce

Which type of talker are you? Are you a true blue Empathizer or a blazing sun Instigator communicator?

WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

Effective communication is paying attention to what YOU are doing and saying and how YOU are affecting others by what YOU do and say. We all do a heck of a better job of communicating effectively when we understand and appreciate the STRENGTHS vs. WEAKNESSES of our own and our opposing communicator type.

I JUST NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY WE DIDN’T GET ALONG UNTIL…

Instigators benefit from sensitivity training in their personal relationships while Empathizers benefit from insensitivity training in their personal relationships. Let us heal hurt feelings by better understanding our unique communication preferences, attitudes, differences, languages, and expectations.

PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A CLUE ABOUT HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU?

Do you feel like people don’t have a clue how to communicate with you? You can receive TALK2ME© session solutions by developer Dr. Dennis O’Grady through coaching by calling 937-428-0724.

Building Communication Bridges

During the TALK2ME© University of Dayton training participants were asked: “What key do you put into the ignition knowing it will reliably turn over the engine of effective communication? That same key that keeps you in the driver’s seat of your blue Empathizer car or your burnt orange Instigator car driving safely down the two-way communicator highway?”

Each individual response reflects an honest, reflective key to personal success in communication.  Collectively, the responses are extremely effective tools for improving communication and strengthening interpersonal relationships.

  • Genuine desire to listen
  • Having communication – not avoiding
  • Empathy – understanding the feelings of others even if not your own
  • Listening to what others are actually saying
  • Listening to understand the content of the situation; Understanding the content of the strategic plan
  • Understanding the details and how the message is received – the tone
  • Understanding who you are communicating to and the content
  • Having perspective – not bringing in your own personal issues
  • How you interact with others and the ability to change
  • Positive attitude – being able to separate events
  • Truth – Honesty – No Manipulation.  Need to get to the point.
  • Attitude – can set up real barriers
  • Moving personal agendas aside to listen
  • Active listening – Stay engaged in the conversation – Eye contact with others

TALK CULTURE

What is the “best mood” or “climate” of the work culture in which you would prefer to work and are responsible for creating? These truths set you free…

–       TRUTH (genuine honesty, truth sets you free, face-to-face discussions of dissatisfactions to seek solutions)

–       EMPATHY (the PATH is listening with empathy)

–       ENGAGE (go to the person, pick up the phone, ask for clarifying feedback)

As effective and responsible communicators you acknowledged that you alone are accountable for doing your best to build bridges of communication trust with each and every one of your team leaders.

TALK2ME© system co-presenters Dr. Dennis O’Grady and Kathryn Johnson – www.drogrady.com