Building Bridges Of Trust And Respect

A good relationship is based on good communication skills that build bridges of trust and respect. What does that mean, exactly? One corporate TALK2ME© training class didn’t parcel opinions: “What’s good communication? Treat others on the team how you would like to be treated. And treat your customers the same way.” So, do you treat others to your good attitude even when you’re having a bad day? Of course you do.

A BAD OUTLOOK ON COMMUNICATION

Empathizer (more sensitive) and Instigator (less sensitive) communicators are all about using good outlooks to create good moods and team unity to produce profitable results. However, an Empathizer leader may appear weak when…

•    Giving too much credit without comparable performance
•    Thinking only of the team instead of looking after #1
•    Being self-doubting instead of self-confident
•    Looking too much at emotional causes instead of active solutions to problems
•    Allowing personal opinions (beliefs) to interfere with logic
•    Allowing transient emotions to affect mood
•    Permitting subordinates to manipulate leader sensitivities
•    Projecting weakness by wearing emotions on his/her sleeve
•    Struggling to have a strong individual opinion outside of team atmosphere
•    Lacking self-motivation when stretched thin or stressed
•    Showing appreciation in spite of negative actions

In particular, Empathizers feel strained and drained by these self-restrictive outlooks on life that reduce their productivity by 40%.

DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY CAN DO UNTO YOU…

Cynical “win at all costs” competitors die by using the motto: “I do unto others before they have a chance to do unto me!” Now, you know well enough how to build bridges of paranoia and disgust. Just make our problem my fault.

Dennis O’Grady, PsyD, is a Dayton clinical psychologist and corporate trainer who teaches powerful new communication tools using the TALK2ME© system. Reach Dr. O’Grady at 937-428-0724 or at www.drogrady.com.

Resolving Workplace Relationship Issues

DO YOU HAVE A STRONG PERSONALITY?

If you have a very strong personality, then chances are you’re an Instigator-type communicator. That means you can open your mouth and insert your foot in the wink of an eye. In contrast, your sensitive Empathizer co-workers have elephant-sized memories for snubs and slights that seem to them as though you’ve tried to cut off their heads.

Self-professed case profile of an Instigator-at-work communicator who unintentionally caused Empathizer co-workers discomfort…

…I’VE ALWAYS HAD A VERY STRONG PERSONALITY
I have a very strong personality, and I’ve wrestled with that all my life. I don’t really like having such a super-strong personality. I typically don’t attack anyone personally or use words that would tear a person down. “It’s not what he says – it’s how he makes me feel.”

…“IT’S NOT WHAT HE SAYS – IT’S HOW HE MAKES OTHERS FEEL!”
I’ve gotten negative feedback in my reviews. It’s not my intention, but sometimes I make others feel bad. There’s a common feedback theme: “It’s not what he says, it’s how he makes me feel.”

…THERE’S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT I’M INTENDING – AND HOW I’M BEING PERCEIVED
I never attack anyone. I never verbally badger. I don’t go after anyone’s person. I never attempt to tear anyone down. But the perception is that I intimidate people and make them feel devalued.

…I CAN TAKE IT – WHY CAN’T YOU?
You can beat me to death and I can take it. The reality is, I do a pretty good job of getting past anything like that.

…THE END RESULTS JUSTIFY THE MEANS, BECAUSE THEY ARE WHAT MATTER MOST
I’m all about getting results quickly and not wasting time. The means don’t matter as much as the results that you’re paid for. Still, most people prefer an empowered atmosphere to a suppressive atmosphere.

…I FEEL UNCONQUERABLE
I try to show confidence at all times. Other times I feel totally worthless. I will survive and be O.K. If my job were to end, I would be a bum.

…I’VE ALWAYS FEARED BEING UNDER SOMEBODY ELSE’S CONTROL
I am a control freak and can get irritated and impatient easily. I’ve told my boss: “If I were you, I would have fired me long ago.”

…A MASKED CHILDHOOD THAT WASN’T VERY GOOD
The older I get, the more my past haunts me. How poorly my parents equipped me to be the person I would like to be.

…ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE PEOPLE UPSET AT ME
I guess I’m very intimidating. I don’t always know how I’m coming across. People describe me as intense, and I’m not afraid of conflict or telling you what you don’t want to hear.

…THERE’S A CLOUD OF PURE STRESS HANGING OVER ME
I’m so stressed out, I make others uncomfortable. “What mood’s he in? Is he going to bite your head off today?” Even my dogs can tell when I’m stressed.

…ORDER AND CONTROL COMFORT ME
To me, there’s a way things must be if I’m going to be in charge. I’m going to do it my way….

IS THE MESSAGE YOU’RE SENDING, THE MESSAGE YOU’RE INTENDING?

If you’re accustomed to getting what you want by acting mad and talking bad and blaming others for the whole mess, then your day of reckoning is coming, and you will be in a head-on communication wreck. Did it come out of the blue? Nah. You read it here first at drogrady.com! Why not learn to be a more sensitive communicator, instead?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship workplace communication expert and clinical psychologist from Dayton, Ohio. You can reach Dennis at 937-428-0724.

Life Doesn’t Come With A Manual

How can you bounce back from being hurt? Bouncing back from the stuff life throws at you is harder for Empathizer communicators, who wear their feelings on their sleeves. To beat off the blues, consider two self-talk options, adapted from thicker-skinned Instigator communicators…

I DON’T HURT ME, WHEN I FEEL HURT BY YOU…

Sensible Self-Talk: We all make mistakes. It’s so sad, but life goes on. You have to move on as well. Don’t dwell on the pain for too long, because you have other responsibilities and obligations to deal with. Don’t wallow and dwell and over-think and whatnot. Try to come to a solution. Don’t keep chasing this hurt around like a dog chasing his tail. Neither will end successfully!

I DON’T HAVE A CONFLICT WITH YOU WHEN YOU’RE BEING CONFRONTATIONAL WITH ME …

Sensible Self-Talk: O.K. I feel sad when you act mad at me. I can’t find a solution to your having a bad day. BUT I won’t dwell on it…and I will move on. How’s it helping ME to keep on being frustrated by someone who’s choosing to be mad at me, just as leverage to get what they want? How’s it helping me to keep on being sad and spinning my tires? Is sitting around, crying, going to change the situation? This isn’t productive, nor is it helping me. I’ll put the cry behind me and move on; that’s my way of doing things.

I’LL PUT THE CRY BEHIND ME AND MOVE ON!

You’re not whining. You’re not complaining. You’re not selfish. You’re not throwing yourself a pity party. HOWEVER, putting logic over emotions will work out better for sensitive souls who can be easily intimidated, manipulated, and blackmailed emotionally by confrontational I-types, who are bulls in the china closet of life.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist and communication expert from Dayton, Ohio. You can reach him at 937-428-0724.

The Couple Commitments

Devoted couples put time and energy into practicing new driving skills on the two-way communication highway. Not speaking, or not speaking up, is simply not an option.

As a loving couple, do you live these effective communication commitments to keep anger low, and joy and contentment high?

1. DO NOT FEAR COMMUNICATING. Don’t talk into outer space, but look at your partner and speak in a calm tone of voice.

2. HEAR EACH OTHER OUT. Listen deeply and completely, and don’t interrupt or jump in to make a point.

3. DO NOT SNAP AT ONE ANOTHER, but walk in your partner’s shoes to seek to understand his/her viewpoint.

4. DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING SHARP-TONGUED. Don’t throw knives at each other when there is a disagreement.

5. DO NOT PENALIZE WHEN WE GET MAD. Don’t stop talking, talk down, give the cold shoulder, or talk to others about problems when stressed or angry.

6. DO NOT BLAME EACH OTHER FOR FEELING OUR FEELINGS. Accept that throwing sharp rocks of resentment leaves scars on each other’s faces and puts our marriage on the rocks.

7. FIND MIDDLE GROUND. There doesn’t have to be an argument when opinions do not match. Strive to find the middle ground which will benefit our relationship.

Are you a Toxic Talker or a Tender Talker?  Why spend half of your marriage angry or upset with each other, as a majority of married folks do?

TOGETHER, WE WILL STRIVE TO IMPROVE OUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

Is your heart connected to your head? The choice is yours to make. Don’t let communication errors generate anger, which will run your love into a ditch.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communication expert and TALK2ME© RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATION seminar leader. You can test your communicator type and receive a free report at www.drogrady.com

Excellence In Communication

Are you a precision communicator instead of a sloppy communicator? The downside of being a sloppy communicator: when others don’t communicate well, you can feel poorly, even depressed or frustrated…especially if you’re an Empathizer-type communicator. When you expect others to be cut out of the same Empathizer (or Instigator) communicator cloth as you are, you are prone to feeling depressed and upset, and then you blame the other person for failing to live up to your communication standards or expectations. Not effective! What to do about expecting others to be like you in the “one size shoe fits all” school of communication?

FRUSTRATION – THE ENERGY DRAINING CYCLE

When there is a failure to communicate, your energy is drained. You hold people to standards that you hold yourself to. When you say you will make a phone call, you will call. How Jake said it…

I believe people ought to have high standards of communication. I get super-frustrated when I can’t do anything about the situation. When I feel forced into a passive role, without having any control, I find myself in a frustrating process that brings down my mood.

So, do we have choices and options to counteract the negatives in life with positives?

EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS’ ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE

What are your communication principles? Instigators believe that words are just that – words and ideas – that may or may not materialize, depending on the situation. Empathizers believe the spoken word is gospel.

Are your E-view communication principles to…

•    Say what you mean

•    Mean what you say

•    Be truthful

•    Be timely in your communication

•    Avoid putting others on the defensive

•    Take turns listening and speaking, for two-sided talks

•    Ask open-ended questions without preconceived answers

•    Make the effort to start needed communication

•    Share the good works of good communication

You don’t want to feel “done unto,” and then done, my dear E-type communicators.

However, compare the I-view of streamlined communication:

•    State the bottom line

•    Be blunt, direct

•    Be persuasive

•    Be progress-centered, results-driven

•    Better ideas come from heated debates

•    Direct and control the conversation

•    Ask leading questions to arrive at the conclusion you feel will best work; make them think it’s their idea

•    Lead the communication – don’t follow it. Take action first, ask questions second.

•    Enjoy the good works of good communication.

DO YOU EXPECT GOOD COMMUNICATION TO COME EASY?

Mood is dictated by good relationship communication. Better communication…better mood. Do you own up to your strengths as an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator? Empathizers are our relationship experts. If you’re an E-type, YOU are at the top of the communication heap, because you follow these principles. But not everyone is like you are! Us average folk are sloppy communicators. If you are a precision communicator, own up to that fact so you won’t feel frustrated when average communicators let you down.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Dennis O’Grady delivers TALK2ME© effective communication workshops that provide a Communication Toolbox full of positive communication tools, to executive, managerial, and supervisory groups, to set people up for success. Dennis also provides private, relationship communication coaching. Your questions and inquiries are welcomed. New Insights: 937-428-0724.