2009 – Page 8 – Dr. Dennis O'Grady | TALK2ME© Communication System

Ducks Galore

BAD MOODS DON’T HAVE TO SPELL DOOM FOR YOUR LIFE…

We had it all. It was a winter that just wouldn’t quit. Snow drifts and slick ice. Dark nights and darker days. And I couldn’t find within that kindly fire of Spirit to lift me up and warm my hands. Midwest Winter Blues? Feeling thrown out like an empty grocery bag, all alone and worthless, drifting along the highway of life while everyone speeds by. That was about it, for my communication trip. Zero. Mood not good.

Then came the ducks. Oh, those ducks that I so love. Mom, it was almost two years ago that together we filed your forwarding address to God. I didn’t want to, but I respected your wishes to go on and live again. And the Angels came.

Today I drove over to Jamestown, out into the country – God’s country. Blue skies streaked with white clouds painted by the great artist Himself….I felt at ease. Finally. Finally, I felt at ease. Finally, instead of waking up early in a cold sweat. Instead of feeling ill at ease and quivering inside my own skin, smiling while waiting for approval. Finally, hearing the sounds of silence as I thought of my college roommate, who had recently died. Finally understanding that I produce my own anxieties much of the time. Finally – I’ve stared the enemy down…and the enemy is ME.

I remember that night of your passing over, Mom. Never will I forget it. Strong, blustery winds. Kind people who wheeled you out of your earthly room on a steel cart. My taking time with you. Telling myself not to feel guilty for taking time with your earthly body that no longer held life of any kind. I stayed right there beside you. I worried that I stayed too long…but I stayed just long enough with you to love you just a little bit longer. God approved of us, we two.

Time went by. I cried my tears and let my heart flood. Then I called my brother to tell him that our time together was finally up. Al’s voice was so soothing to me. I knew he stood strong beside me. You always wanted us both to stay close, Mom, and so we shall. Al’s attitude, too, was to celebrate you. Dad was waiting for you, there in Heaven. Without him, none of this would have been possible. Dad and I sat like stones on ice-logged lakes, catching fish that you would cook up with pepper, and then you added French fries to make the family dinner taste so-o good.

My life has been a bit of a stress mess lately…THANKS to me. (I won’t pack my guilt bags, quite yet.) Heeding your coaching on your life-bed, I have chosen to take the road less traveled; a road that will bring healing, adventure, wealth, and health to anyone who ventures to go there. Today, too, was the first day of spring, 2009. I’m a little older now, a little more settled in my own skin, not needing the love and approval of others to make me strong.

Mom, sometimes I am brokenhearted and fractured into a million separate pieces. I was just ready to give up and stop daring to care, when you sent the duck brigade. You told me that fowl, such as ducks, just let the bad moods roll off their backs like damp and dreary, foul weather. You are a DECENT soul, Mom, who condemned no one, especially nice guys like me (good people) who sometimes feel bad, blue, burdened, beaten, or bewildered.

And so today, as a reminder, you sent me the duck brigade. Not just one pair of ducks, but two pair of – no, three – no, wait – four sets of ducks….All told, with all their quacking, 13 pair of ducks to let me know what I was to do. What a lucky number. Thirteen.

Wish I could be with you there right now, Mom. Who knows – just suppose I am on a long-distance phone call with you? I love you, Mom. Give my love to Dad, who protected us all with his life, all his life long…just like the lighthouses during stormy times, blazing their bright lights, guiding us all home.

Right now, I am hearing the calls of all those ducks, seeking to settle into the safe night. The killdeer, too, are talking to me about you and higher powers.

Ducks galore. Don’t worry! Blessings abound!

I will continue to Dare To Care. When life throws you hurts, continue to swerve, on the two-way communication highway.

ABOUT THE TALK2ME© SYSTEM

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a coaching and relationship counseling practice located in Dayton, Ohio. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of three works, the most recent being Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, which is a communication training book. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a corporate trainer, keynote speaker and motivational speaker. His executive coaching and business consulting programs are targeted at the areas of leadership development, communication, change management and conflict resolution.

I Hate My Job

I work with educators to improve classroom management and produce a positive climate for learning. Teaching is the toughest job on the planet. Have you ever tried to engage 30 youth of varying ages and ability levels to teach them the same content or skills at the same time? Following close behind teaching is coaching. Coaches must teach athletes to perform key skills smoothly under pressure. There are Empathizer (E-type) coaches and Instigator (I-type) teachers, and E-type teachers and I-type coaches, who use the different styles elaborated upon in the TALK2ME© positive and effective communication system to engage their students and get their content across…and they experience great success!

I WANT TO HAVE FUN DOING WHAT I DO

Teachers’ moods can plummet when district or building leadership is uncaring, bossy, or two-faced. This is particularly true of those tuned-in-to-sensitivity E-type teachers. Here’s an example from a 30-something professional educator who was feeling burned out in a negative climate….

I hate my job. Why did I even bother to get a Master’s degree? The kids are disrespectful. The administration doesn’t care about the teachers. Then they have the audacity to make this long list of huge expectations. Moreover, it’s not fun and I hate it. It’s not fun working for a supervisor who doesn’t appreciate you and who always takes the other side. My job used to be fun. I believe that’s why I’m so depressed and why I am so frustrated all the time.

I don’t feel that anyone cares about me. This is what I feel, and this is what I’ve inferred. The criticisms flow freely, but the caring is all blocked-up. I just want to do my job. I try not to take things personally, but I can pretty much see that you don’t care about me, or my peers. When you don’t care about your staff and teachers, the sick-call rate is high. Why would leaders do that? I just feel so uncared about. The same old bull crap keeps happening.

What if you had sure-fire methods to make sure your sensitive teachers stayed pumped up instead of pooped out, merely by keeping the lines of communication open….

DARING TO CARE

Empathizer-type educators from all walks of life function at their peak when they feel sincerely cared for. Conversely, E-type educators’ (males or females) gas tanks are siphoned by this supervisory attitude: “Look, getting the job done is more important than the person doing it….” Noteworthy differences….

•    E-types feel cared about when you take a couple of minutes to understand them.

•    E-types’ production increases by 40% when they feel cared about.

•    Likewise, E-types’ productivity goes down 40% when faced with an intellectually intimidating or adversarial boss.

•    E-types are more prone to feeling dispirited and depressed, while I-types are more prone to feeling impatient and frustrated.

•    When I-types take a few minutes of one-on-one time to listen and hear a few personal stories, the E-types’ mood brightens up…and they’re good to go.

•    When they feel uncared for, E-types experience low self-esteem and will clam up, holding on to their bright ideas.

•    E-types beat themselves up so much that a little criticism goes far.

•    Instigator-type communicators are hard drivers who don’t expect kudos, relying instead on encouraging self-talk.

•    I-type supervisors who expect E-type teachers to be like them – independent and gung-ho – are going to run into communication roadblocks.

•    I-types hate to beat around the bush, so they get right down to brass tacks and say whatever comes to mind…which can come across as uncaring to the E-type.

•    I-types don’t worry about hurting feelings to correct a situation. “If that’s what it takes to get the job done, then lesson learned.” However, that lesson may just cost the relationship.

•    I-types don’t take time to shoot the breeze, considering non-purposeful socializing to be a waste of time.

•    Depressed E-types feel numb about their work, which depresses them even more.

•    E-types need to work from a place of enjoying what they’re doing and feeling that their contributions matter.

•    When E-types aren’t having fun doing what they’re doing, they will feel that their communicator car wheels are spinning, stuck in a rut…then they will shy away and pull back from speaking out, taking healthy risks, going the extra mile and smiling, and feeling that they’re a worthy contributor to the team.

(N)ICENESS: YOU CATCH MORE EMPATHIZERS WITH HONEY

You catch more Empathizers with honey than vinegar. And just a little honey helps the E-type fly. Being civil and nice is a core life value of Empathizers. Being gruff, rough, and tough talking is a real turn off to the sensitive E-type.

In all fairness, Instigator leaders know they need to work on their communication skills. “I get frustrated and it comes out of my mouth frustrated. I could use a little bit more diplomacy…put a little bit more sugar on it…present ideas in a way that smoothes the way for their acceptance. I can be pretty gruff. I need to put a little sugar on it…put a little honey on it.”

PUT A LITTLE SUGAR ON IT…PUT A LITTLE HONEY ON IT

Discord is stressful for E-types. Empathizers particularly feel the effects of a brash personality who uses a loud or adversarial tone. When peace-loving E-types feel that progress-driven I-types have poked holes in their bucket of fresh energy, we all lose…especially our students.

Would you like to build up teacher confidence, and thus teacher performance? Then you need to know what makes Empathizer teachers tick…and ticked off. Know, also, that E-types don’t work for the money or glory. They enjoy the work of making a positive difference in people’s lives.

When you don’t play to Empathizer strengths, you will unintentionally activate their weaknesses, and this is what you’ll get: “I need to feel confident to pass the muster. When I feel confident, my performance improves. It’s a struggle to get to work when I feel depressed and frustrated. I feel like I’m constantly pushing myself or slogging through concrete. I keep throwing punches but not landing any. It’s not fun working here anymore, and I hate my job.”

ABOUT THE TALK2ME© SYSTEM

The Acid Test Of Effective Communication

The overall goal of TALK2ME© communication training is to improve performance and profits by improving trustworthy communication.

BAD APPLES

Bad apples in the Communication Orchard plant seeds of discord, sap energy, and they don’t see the opportunity writing on the wall. Negative communicators at any organizational level show off…

1. Poor communication skills
2. Lack of initiative
3. Poor interpersonal skills
4. No sense of urgency
5. Lack of focus on target goals
6. No responsiveness to customer or employee needs
7. A lack of empathy…can’t put themselves in the shoes of others

Bad apples can spoil the whole bushel basket and negatively impact team mood and morale, problem solving, and they run your most talented people out of the Communication Orchard in no time flat.

TALK2ME© POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION TOOLS

Interactively taught in small groups, TALK2ME© tools aren’t difficult to learn, and they create these very predictable results in the individual, team, family, and organization…

1. Rich and responsive communication skills that build bridges of trust
2. Initiative is taken to map out a trip on the two-way communicator highway
3. Productivity increases by 40%, by tapping Emotional I.Q. and managing mood
4. Sense of urgency is created for accomplishing improvement and collaboration
5. Leaders walk the talk by staying focused on target goals
6. Responsive to customer or employee needs, resulting in positive feedback
7. Buckets full of empathy…willing and able to put themselves in the shoes of others

Balanced Instigator and Empathizer communicators work from the strength sets of both talk types, allowing the driver to maneuver around common but deadly communication accidents on Talk Highway. As one talented Human Resources leader told me, “Much of the TALK2ME© system is common sense but not commonly done. It’s enlightening and sells itself. When you use it, it simply works.”

GIMMICKS

Unfortunately, some communication training programs are presented in large group, lecture format, so the information may go into the head, but it doesn’t move into the heart and hands of the trainee to be successfully implemented everyday. That’s too bad, because such programs can be a waste of your time and money. In contrast, because training is in an interactive format, TALK2ME© tools stick with trainees, enabling them to spontaneously apply the tools in their personal relationships, with the same great results they experience in the workplace.

THE ACID TEST OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Here’s the acid test: What are key ways Empathizers and Instigators are opposites? You are in the driver’s seat of the TALK2ME© system if you can tell me a few tools to use.

For example, you know E-types thrive on compliments, while I-types don’t require kudos. And E-types have difficulty getting over a stupid comment, while I-types shrug off dumbbell comments like water rolls down a duck’s back. E-types’ motivation soars in a caring, relationship-focused approach, while I-types’ motivation sails in a goal-focused setting. Of course, how you like to receive your feedback – negative right now, or first give me the positives – are core differences of our talk types, too.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you’re not using the system. This is a great time to change all that by merging onto the two-way communicator highway. Check your communicator type and receive a free report at http://www.drogrady.com/type.php. Download and read in greater depth about the key differences between talk types at http://www.drogrady.com/ttm_optin.php. You’ll be amazed at how much easier it becomes to reach your travel destinations when you use the strategies and tools of the TALK2ME© positive and effective communication system.

ABOUT THE TALK2ME© SYSTEM

Primal Leadership

Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman’s 2002 book, gives a solid description of what will happen when you adopt Empathizer-type leadership talk tools that relate to emotional intelligence. In fact, Empathizer leaders will feel validated while Instigator leaders will feel liberated, and all of us will benefit by spreading a good mood infectiously around.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

Instigator-type communicators are frequently dinged on 360-feedback leadership surveys for being TOO….

•    Direct and driven, aggressive, and controlling
•    Dictatorial, intimidating, lacking a collaborative attitude
•    Insensitive to the needs of others
•    Too blasé about investing in relationship connections, not taking time to build bridges of rapport
•    Unaware of what causes team members to feel distressed or resistant
•    Much a strategic thinker, one without a heart and prone to over-leading
•    Forceful to make others perform, which can reduce cooperation and motivation
•    Impatient to listen to feedback that disagrees with your viewpoint
•    Deficient in empathy and willingness to show concern for people
•    Short and abrupt in e-mails or conversations

Many of these attributes don’t tend to bother thicker-skinned Instigators, but they turn off Empathizer-type communicators (50% of our population), like clicking off a light switch.

How you win: As an Instigator, adopt more Empathizer characteristics and, like a computer chip was inserted into your brain, your emotional intelligence will be activated. You will experience the results first hand…and the positive outcomes will amaze you.

AN I-TYPE LEADER TALKING

The following is from an Instigator leader who came for TALK2ME© coaching after receiving shockingly low grades on his 360-evaluations…

Dr. O’Grady:

I successfully completed TALK2ME© communication training within the time frame of 8-10 sessions, which we’d we discussed prior to beginning.

I am happy to say I’ve successfully hit the goals and objectives of the best ways to communicate with my team. I now understand the key differences of Empathizer vs. Instigator communicators. Using the new E-type talk tools I learned from you, I am now able to inspire people to: achieve higher levels of motivation, taking a win-win team approach; listen effectively to positive and negative input, lifting company morale significantly; clarify and confirm communication, creating a two-way street of communication; get everybody on the bus to work together, getting tasks completed more quickly; communicate objectives weekly, and now each week there is a positive result, such as successfully moving a business! Thanks again for giving me new talk tools to use at work and at home.

Overall, good communication leads to proven profitability!

WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT EMOTIONAL IQ?

Instigator leaders trust logic over emotion. Empathizer leaders trust emotions, but not when they’re too intense. As both types seek to become balanced communicators, they need to blend Logical IQ and Emotional IQ to connect both sides of the brain.

Here are some points, well honed in Primal Leadership, that have to do with Managing Mood In The Workplace, a seminar in the communication series I co-lead…

➢ Great leadership works through the emotions.

➢ If leaders fail at driving emotions in the right direction, nothing they attempt to do will work as well as it could or should.

➢ Sensitive leaders who are tuned-in intentionally create optimism and unity.

➢ Less sensitive, tone-deaf leaders unintentionally create pessimism and division.

➢ A leader’s mood – and how she or he impacts the moods of others – plays a significant role in any organization or family.

➢ Understanding and managing emotions sets the best leaders apart from the rest. They net tangible results; retain talent; manage higher morale, motivation, and commitment; and they implement swift and sure actions that get results.

➢ The leader acts as the group’s emotional guide and broadcasting system.

➢ Clearing away the smog of toxic emotions from the company culture climate and building bridges of trust on the two-way communication highway are key to lasting success.

➢ The leader has amplified power to sway everyone’s emotions in a very positive or a very negative way.

➢ Anxiety and rancor throws a team off stride, while enthusiasm and caring set a team in full stride toward the goal.

➢ The often overlooked and underused Primal Dimension: Followers look to a leader for a supportive emotional connection – for empathy – like giving oxygen to an exhausted patient during difficult times.

➢ When emotions are driven positively, there is resonance, which makes people shine.

➢ When emotions are driven negatively, there is dissonance, which makes people depressed, markedly lowering output from individual workers.

➢ When a team experiences a leader as being out of touch, and individual members feel frustrated by riding their mood roller coaster, team output can be expected to be restricted by at least 40%.

➢ Recent studies of the brain reveal the neurological mechanisms of primal leadership.

➢ Due to the open-loop limbic system, emotions are spread and received through social interactions – you DO make people feel good or bad by what you say or do…and the reverse is true, too.

➢ The open loop of emotional contagion is so much a part of our daily lives, that we don’t even notice it, much like we tend to be unaware of the noses on our faces, unless we happen to look into mirror.

➢ Positive emotions open up communication channels and creative problem solving, while negative emotions close down communication avenues and creative problem solving.

➢ Positive emotions lead to good moods and better communication, while negative emotions lead to bad moods and poor communication.

➢ Powerful emotions are spread non-verbally to others and inwardly to oneself. That’s why everyone watches the boss.

➢ Thus, an Emotional Soup simmers in teams, with each player adding his own flavor, but it is the leader who adds the strongest seasoning.

➢ The Emotional Leader has the credibility, trust, and respect of followers, thereby setting the tone and tempo of the work symphony.

➢ How easily we catch hold of a leader’s emotional states and moods, good or bad, has to do with how expressively his face and voice conveys his feelings.

➢ The more open leaders are – how well they express their own enthusiasm, for example – the more readily others will feel the same contagious passion and compassion.

➢ Leaders for whom you want to work, and the kind of leader you strive to be, is one who exudes upbeat feelings and who makes others feel good by being around during tough times.

WHY DRIVE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF A BAD MOOD?

Now, you and I know that no one is always in a good mood…unless s/he happens to be the Perfect One. But the Expert Communicator leader manager has learned to manage his or her moods in the workplace and at home in ways that profit everyone.

Thus, driving under the influence of a bad mood, being irritable and flying off the handle, shooting from the hip, cynicism and sarcasm, gossiping and belittling, being dictatorial or domineering, or cold and MOODY – in short, chopping people off at the knees and expecting the team to swim across an Olympic-size pool of pity – simply won’t work.
Why make your best and brightest stars quit a moody boss and choose to leave town?

OK…TALK DOC…HOW DO I RAISE MY EMOTIONAL IQ?

1. Understand that Instigator-type (I-type) communicators as leaders are typically perceived through a sensitized emotional lens.

2. Understand that the main criticism of Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators is a wish for the I-type leader to “take time to talk,” “be more empathetic,” and “exhibit more receptivity to others’ needs, requirements, ideas, and timetables.”

3. Understand that I-type leaders, who adopt the strengths of E-type communicators, will build a two-way highway of top-flight communication.

4. Understand that when teams are trained in the TALK2ME© communication system, worker harmony and high output will be produced, vs. hard feelings between workers and lack of motivation. This requires E-type communicators to understand and adopt the I-type strength set, too.

5. When you understand what makes Empathizer communicators tick, or become anxious and ticked off, your leadership feedback scores will dramatically raise – as if by magic.

WHAT TO DO?

Most people would give their eye teeth to BE YOU! I know I would. I hope your arm isn’t too short to pat yourself on the back. Now that you know you don’t need to change, there’s a little tweaking from which you will benefit.

Know this: This knowledge has been the missing key to accelerate good communication driving skills which predictably leads to proven profitability in your life.

In summary, dear Reader, I respect your courage and willingness to learn and grow for the good of us all.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, PsyD

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Communication Expert and Developer of the TALK2ME Communication Roadmap. Dr. O’Grady provides individual and relationship coaching and counseling. Talk with Dennis at 937-428-0724.

The Worry Of Motivation

How do you motivate someone without demotivating them? Do you ever worry about that communication factor? Whether that person is a coworker, subordinate, teenager, or spouse? Is motivation an inside job of self-perspiration or something that is inspired from other preparation?

THE INSTIGATOR VS. EMPATHIZER OR CAT VS. DOG CLASH

Using the TALK2ME system, although there will be a natural tension that exists between opposites, you will have the agility and ability to avoid communication crashes on Talk Highway. How so? By understanding how Empathizer and Instigator communicators are motivated and demotivated in different ways. Did you know that Empathizers worry too much, for example, while Instigators worry too little? Of course you did!

Another common example: Instigator-type (I-type) communicators are hard driving, hard of hearing, hardheaded, hardly moved by criticism, and hard at work trying to catch the brass ring. Empathizer-type (E-type) co-communicators say, “I feel like a failure because I’m not doing what the I-type wants me to do,” or “I’m not doing enough to make him happy.”

This clash can lead to demotivation for E-types and frustration for I-types.

THE INSTIGATOR VIEW OF MOTIVATION

Try to focus on how Instigators think you ought to drive down Motivation Highway. I put the question to an accomplishment-focused, I-type male with 25 years of experience in the world of work…

To get on down the Motivation Highway, a person must…

1. Be goal oriented

2. Have the confidence to achieve those goals

3. Understand the importance and rewards of
Hard Work
Self-Discipline
Teamwork
Friendship

4. Not allow the fear of failure to overcome your desire to succeed

5. Keep you nose to the grindstone – don’t quit because it’s hard

6. Be accountable

HEAD MOTIVATION VS. HEART MOTIVATION

In short, Instigators are motivated from their heads while Empathizers are motivated from their hearts. To get the job done, I-types don’t mind stepping on toes. But the blue suede shoes of Empathizers can get so scuffed up and their toes so squashed that their motivation and output decline under the weight of a bad mood.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO OBTAIN BETTER RESULTS?

Use the motivational strategy of your opposite communicator type when you feel good results are stymied.

When you use TALK2ME©, you will spontaneously generate actions that put the rubber to the road on Talk Highway and leave no one standing on the curb, downcast.

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS O’GRADY, Psy.D.