Talkin’ IT Out: “It’s raining words!”

by with No Comment TYPE TALK

Talk can be cheap in the workplace, meaning it can be filled to the brim with lofty promises but running-on-empty when it comes to solving problems through positive actions. So this team player discusses the rhetorical talk…talk…talk…talk in the workplace that irritates her and threatens to “pop my happiness bubble.”

Dear Dennis,

I get so frustrated with all the talk, talk, talk, talk from people who really say nothing at all. Words have meaning! Words have life! Words mean something to me. It is so distasteful to me when people use words so carelessly. They talk about change, self-empowerment, self-improvement…yes, they use all the right words but their heart and behavior is in conflict with their talk, talk, talk.

Now I understand how words are used to hide the fact many people do not know what they are talking about and it’s just a cover for their insecurities. (I feel like I’ve developed x-ray hearing because my ears hear the real truth behind the words. Make any sense?)

I am even less impressed when listening to speakers who talk about change or use elegant words to teach or explain worthy ways to do business, communicate with co-workers and they can’t even muster the true enthusiasm for the subject, which telegraphs with their body language they live what they believe. Simply said I’m not buying what they are selling.

To be honest, I get so tired living in this talk, talk, talk work environment everyday. The talk, talk, talk rains down on me and I feel like the talkers are trying to pop my happiness bubble. Where can I find an umbrella designed to keep myself dry in a down pour of “rain talk”??

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

Rain Woman

Hi Rain Woman: Being in charge of your own mind isn’t “venting.” “Venting is venting” and is a type of miscommunication that typically involves “mind control.” Also, you are describing Instigator communicators (I-types) who talk about “observations” (cherished ideas) that Empathizer communicators then “interpret” to mean real-world “actions.” Keep measuring what actually is done alongside what is promised, but isn’t done. Then put up your umbrella to stay dry and happy today!

“Talk IT Out” with Dr. Dennis O’Grady who is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of No Hard Feelings, Taking the Fear out of Changing and TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone.

Slamming Confidence: Guerilla Attack Talk Tactics

by with No Comment PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

The insensitive communicator uses the art of guerilla attack talk tactics to slam your confidence and pass the buck of blame. An anger communicator, in fact, uses hypnotic mind-altering suggestions to make him/herself feel higher up and you lower down. Why would they act so mean? Well, it works.

What are some examples of these bad talk tactics…and better assertive replies? I will use a common “blaming attack” followed by an “assertive counter-response.”

  1. Blame game: You always think you’re right.
  2. Assertive response: I don’t “always” think I’m right…but many times I am right. What’s your point?
  1. Blame game: You’re full of yourself.
  2. Assertive response: Actually, my confidence could use some boosting now and then. Since I wish I always felt really confident and on top-of-the-world…what’s your point?
  1. Blame game: You’re not committed.
  2. Assertive response: You’re right. I’m not committed to unfair fights and bad talk habits. What’s your point?
  1. Blame game: There you go again.
  2. Assertive response: There I go again, what? What’s your point?
  1. Blame game: You’re SO stubborn.
  2. Assertive response: I do have a strong will. What’s your point?
  1. Blame game: Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.
  2. Assertive response: The point is whether or not what you do is good enough for you. What’s your point…what are you trying to get at here?
  1. Blame game: You aren’t a very good communicator.
  2. Assertive response: What’s your point? What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?
  1. Blame game: You’re always so negative.
  2. Assertive response: I agree that we need to speak/act more positively. What’s your point? Are you trying to tell me how you’re going to go about doing that?

Guerilla attack guilt trips, slams, shaming and blaming, arguing, power plays, one-upping, personality attacks, sounding confident…are all dismissively aggressive talk tactics that strive to zap your confidence and make you doubt your intuitions.

Effective talking isn’t about “right vs. wrong” BUT about “what works vs. what isn’t working.” Assertively say, “What’s your point?” Or, better yet, “What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?” for a change of pace in the tug-of-war called miscommunication.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady teaches how to effectively handle insensitive or anger communicators and guilt bombers who try to run your self-esteem down into the ground by using mind games in his book TALK TO ME.

What (or Who) Is A Good Two-Way Communicator?

by with No Comment EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

As the developer of a new interpersonal communications theory, I am often asked “How can I be a good two-way communicator?” Actually, that very question is a miscommunication because “good vs. bad” communicators is a misnomer. Rather, you are either an “effective” or an “ineffective” communicator on the two-way communicator highway — one who does or doesn’t get “positive results” when you speak to yourself or to others.

So here’s what makes a “good” or “effective” communicator in my book TALK TO ME:

  1. You know your communicator type. You are either an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator or an Instigator-type (I-type) communicator.
  2. You know a talk partner’s communicator type. Chances are your talk partner is your opposite communicator type.
  3. You are able to recite the four communicator modes in this order: Emotions mode, Beliefs mode, Behaviors mode, Talks mode. You are able to “hear” the modes talk to you and be “responsive” instead of “reactive.”
  4. You appreciate that E-types prefer to travel in the lanes of Emotions and Talks and respond appropriately.
  5. You appreciate the fact that I-types prefer to travel in the lanes of Beliefs and Behaviors and respond appropriately.
  6. If you are an E-type, you use the positive Beliefs mode more to change fast and try out new talk tools that last.
  7. If you are an I-type, you use the positive Emotions mode more to change fast and try out new talk tools that last.
  8. You don’t play the blame game by using gender, mood, ethnic/racial, emotional baggage, habit, personality, inability to change or other excuses to explain away lame talking tactics.
  9. You don’t ever claim that “venting a spleen” is really “talking.”
  10. You spend four minutes a day learning new talk tools and you keep an open mind about how to drive more sanely on the two-way communicator highway.

The two-way communicator highway is the way to go if you want to achieve lasting intimacy, teamwork, family problem-solving, entrepreneurial success and lasting good works. If you don’t know your “communicator type,” you can “take the test” at this site to find out.

Are you ready to go from a “good to great communicator?” I bet you are! Talk isn’t cheap…good talk is priceless.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the new communication technology featured in his new book TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone at www.drogrady.com

Using Effective Communication Tools Solves Problems

by with No Comment LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT

Problem Solving Made Simple by Using Effective Communication Skills

Do you flow with stress events or does your canoe get capsized, making you as mad as a wet hen and a drenched human? Do you feel as if you’re drowning in a pity party whose constant refrain is “Why does this always happen to me?!”

How you frame a problem IS often the solution. And here’s the point of change: Making people the problem is useless…but making the situation the problem is useful.

Blaming isn’t brainstorming. Pointing fingers of blame takes your eye off the prize. Ready now to canoe down a river of change with your life partners to make a difference today?

Let’s use a metaphor of paddling a canoe to highlight effective vs. ineffective problem solving and talking. (See my earlier entry “Why Teamwork isn’t Working”) Imagine you and your team are straining to paddle down a rain-filled river. Here’s what to do for a change:

  1. Paddle calmly in the right direction.
  2. Paddle any way you can that effectively works.
  3. Paddle together in a positive mood.
  4. Paddle easier when times are tough.
  5. Paddle while talking honestly and openly.
  6. Paddle while playing “the change game.”
  7. Paddle and give plenty of positive encouragers to everyone.
  8. Paddle and listen attentively to others.
  9. Paddle and focus on solving the problems of today.
  10. Paddle as a team instead of quibble and quarrel.

This same teamwork approach works very well in partnered couples, marriages and extended family situations where blame outruns common sense.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a human potential psychologist who is a stress reduction expert and interrelational communication expert.

Fruitful Ways of Problem-Solving

by with No Comment LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT

There are natural-born problem solvers and natural-born problem causers. Effective problem solvers first ask, “What is IT that’s the problem?” Once one set of problems are solved…you go on to the next set of problems to solve. Adjusting to problems isn’t the point here…adjusting your strategies to solve problems is the point.

Communicating Problem Solving

Essentially, “You make me frustrated!” turned inside out becomes: “What needs to happen differently here (change) so both you and I can feel satisfied?” Here’s how communicating problem solving sounds in practice:

  1. “What is the goal here…what are we trying to achieve?” Without a goal there’s no target to aim at. It’s necessary to put in black-and-white what needs to happen to make progress toward the end result.
  2. “What would work better now to make a win-win for all?” Focusing on what isn’t working won’t fix what isn’t working. What do you think would work better from here? Disallow yourself from shooting down ideas from the creative mind.
  3. “SO who’s going to do what by when?” Without a task list or “to do” list, you risk getting unfocused on easy steps that might result in huge successes. Get verbal agreement from all parties by summarizing the what/who task list…otherwise, you’ll have a listless talk list (no pun intended!)
  4. “How do we measure the results?” Accurate feedback, both negative and positive, is necessary to know exactly what is happening in reality versus what you wish would happen. This stage is frequently skipped, much to everyone’s chagrin.
  5. “How will we keep what is working and discard what isn’t working?” Trying different tools is what changing is all about. Don’t become attached to favorite tools. Be prepared to be surprised…for the serendipity of change. Keep what is working…discard what isn’t working…devise new tools to use and evaluate.

It’s NOT what hasn’t happened BUT what needs to happen that will make your day.

It’s far easier to solve problems using effective communication tools that you might think! All you have to do is keep your energy on what IS working instead of what ISN’T working.

Why not put into today what you might put off tomorrow?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship coach and interpersonal communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone